Let me know what, if anything, resonated with you from this- are you an over-giver? Where do you feel resentful? Is there something small you could let go? To explore this more, download the guide for questions like this to uncover your high-functioning codependency blueprint: www.terricole.com/burnt-out-givers-helpers-healers-guide
I agree, over functioning only allows half of us to be present. We miss so much , trying to balance everything and everyone outside of us. While on the inside we are selling our own souls for others and leaving us last. The hard part is learning and then trying to stop and others feeling it and expressing they feel ignored 😂🤦🏾♀️ so I’m relearning and training others that I’m not ignoring but instead putting my needs 1st because I’ll break apart if I keep putting everyone and everything else before me. And then they will loose me for good 😔
Terri this is right on time! I have adaptations related to high functioning that are linked to my own hyper-independence. I had severe burnout when I was a caregiver during COVID. That is when I was starting to practice putting myself first but the industry that surrounded me and the people I took care of shamed me for it constantly. I lost my job due to realizing I was in the middle of a breakdown and the industry bosses did not allow me to go home even though I understood my brain 🧠 was in meltdown and I had to stand up for myself. I was finally willing to sacrifice a job to go and take care of myself. Hopefully, this does not need to happen to me again, but it is up to the individual to put oneself 1st. Full stop. It takes courage and radical self respect. I still try to do it all, but only on my terms! 😉It was so exhausting but it was a brilliant lesson that I took with me! I’ve gotten so much better at boundaries as I know how to set them right at the start and catch myself when agreeing to stuff I know will make me contentious down the line. Your Boundary Boss book no doubt has literally saved lives. Boundaries are absolutely essential for mental health in healthcare settings. 💜 ♥️ ♥️
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, Charlotte ❤️ I'm so sorry you had to sacrifice your job to take care of yourself. I wish workplaces were more understanding. Way to go on setting boundaries early and often!! 🙌🙌
Oh Terri, you goddess, this video hit me hard. Thank you, I really felt your care for every viewer listening. As I mentioned here before, my mother is in the last stages of cancer. She has no partner, no car and only me and her best friend. It's been so challenging to find balance between my caregiving and my own self-care. Terri, you talked about burning out. But often, we hurt ourselves when we are overgiving. I hurt my foot ten days ago while she was at the hospital. I got a call from her while she had her oncologist visit -it's an arrangement we have. But she called as I was leaving for the restaurant and instead of putting myself first, I took the call anyway. Following day, I wake up exhausted and hurt my foot while doing exercises. To me, this is the universe forcing me to slow down and I've put up my feet since, literally. I want to get to a point where I don't need to hurt myself to be able to prioritise myself. I'm getting there but having a terminally ill mother -who is rubbish at taking care of herself just as she was with my sister and I- is the ultimate challenge. Now I'm giving myself the challenge to listen to this video each morning for a month and I cannot wait for your new book to come out!
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love and strength (and healing for your foot) ❤️ Thank you for sharing that with us- you're so right that exhaustion can lead to other health problems, in so many different ways. It's crucial that we put ourselves first and fill our own cups before we help others. I hear a lot of self-love and awareness coming through in your comment, and I hope this video can bring you what you need during this difficult time with your mother ❤️
I am on the autism spectrum. I don't say yes because I put other people's needs over my own. I say yes because when presented with a problem I can't function until it's solved. Unfortunately some people are aware of this and exploit it so I have to limit my interactions with them.
thanks for the summary of all the things you touch on for so many videos Terri. From my own perspective, I see this as the most basic/ground-zero self care issue to tackle. I can also sense this in so many people that I know and respect. An epidemic. I have improved in many aspects however it is truly an ongoing process, involving backsliding and finding new ways to exhibit codependency, even though I have slayed some of the dragons. it’s almost like an addiction for me. I can picture you thinking that I need to get to the root of the problem.
You feeling like it's an addiction is real and true, and is the case for many of us. I think we are almost always in recovery from codependency in some way. It is not easy, but it's a worthwhile journey, for the exact reasons you mentioned. 💕 Try downloading the guide and doing the exercise within to see if it helps shed light on the original injury!
Often burn out makes you sick. Literally. I have so many clients who are caregivers who are very sick physically and mentally themselves. As a self described codependent, I work hard to open up and be vulnerable when relating to my loved ones so I can reveal my limits and struggles to myself and to others.
I care for my elderly mom who's health is poor. Between arranging every appointment, hearing aids, cattaract surgery, a cancer surgery which took 11 appointments, six weeks in hospital, driving to visit daily for 42 days, after care which seems to have a new requirement daily. I feel like I'm barely hanging on. She cannot afford to pay for long term care. There is no one else that can help. Every word you said here is true.
I love this content! I only wish I’d had it some years ago. Still, it’s spot on. It was so surprising to me the blowback and almost like victim blaming for getting burned out. A few people didn’t believe me and thought I was just being weak, lazy or making it up. The somatic therapists and EMDR I was referred to at the time were all booked up or not taking new clients. I did find validation and caring support at my local acupuncture college because they understood it from that perspective. I got several treatments and basically quit doing what I had been doing. However, I’ve never really figured out my new job and was then expected to help take care of elderly family members who had Alzheimer’s and Dementia’s. I’m either going to retire early or go back to school. Thank you so much, TC for all your teachings! 👏
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us again, and for shining a light on how we're often not allowed to be weak. It's so exhausting and invalidating to experience that ❤️
Hi Terri! Thanks for your message! Douglas (my son) was visiting today and we had quiet a long chat. I sent him home early because he worked till 1 AM. He was tired! So it was so good to see him. Such a sweet, lovely young man. So proud!
9:00, the part you talk about us checking on others & having the vast knowledge of their lives but it not working both ways hit me. I used to have this vast knowledge and still check on people, but due to my brain going to mush (figuratively) during the last year of realizing I am highly codependent in ways it’s like that knowledge is mostly gone now. I have found that during times I’m able to prioritize myself, some of it comes back…which seems to lead me to falling back into the same patterns😢. I’m working on it though, thank you for this info & your videos
I'm a recovering co-dependent practicing how to focus on myself every single day. 2 questions that help me with this are: What do I want? How do I feel? And I say them out loud all the time!
@@terri_cole we should fill our own cup first. That's not what I meant. Because the reality is people have to be 'selfish ' and take care of ourselves first!
Hi Terri! Another grreat episode! I relate to the anticipatory planner- - I overspent, over planned, overdid for my Mom's visit last month. I thought I was showing my love for her?? Was I doing it to get her approval? to get my approval of myself? Praising myself for a successful visit? I was exhausted after they left and saw how much time and effort and planning I did to make SURE everything went well. I am sure I am a HFC!! I will try therapy again to look into some of these issues. Thanks again for all you do to help!
Is it possible to say more about still giving but at times, having enough of it? Is it possible to let some things go, or set boundaries with some folks in your life? I ask because I'm all about empowering ourselves to have choices in these situations when it's possible. 💕
An interesting talk Terri! I can relate. As a caregiver for my stroke survivor husband, I found myself starting to resent my lot in life, but that’s some major mother and father wounding I’m starting to work on. Since my “friends “ have faded away, I decided to make a new friend of a fellow caregiver. Her hubby has MS so we lighten our load by using each other as an excuse to get together for coffee and a good chat/vent session. I’ve shared your videos with her too! Regarding the burden of your client’s stories, my daughter learned a neat trick from her life coach after she’s massaged a client. When washing her hands in between appointments, she’ll mentally wash their stories down the drain saying she releases the burden. She then sanitizes the room and sages the space to “clear the negative energy” . Works for her.
Thank you so much for sharing that practice with us- what a great idea! 💕 And I'm so glad to hear you found a caregiver buddy to talk to. It can make a world of difference to feel less alone in that capacity.
Terri, please comment on only adult child of 90 year old parents. Mother has demonstrated narcissistic behavior since my childhood. Enmeshed issues largely managed by me living 1000 miles away for the past 25 years. Father had major medical crisis 2 years ago. I came to help. Now my 94 year old father is on hospice. He was her enabler but the more nurturing parent for me. I’m 60. Ive given up my life for him/them the past 2 years. I’m using their money to pay for 24 hour care for him and she gets supervision. But I’m stuck. Living 5 minutes away, working full time but not living the life I want. Just in waiting, for him to die. My life is on hold. How do you cope with this?
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love and strength ❤️ That's such a difficult situation and I want to acknowledge that. I think it's great that you took the step to use their funds for 24 hour care and supervision. I hear you saying your life is on hold and that you are stuck. In what small but meaningful ways might you be able to tend to yourself right now, and give yourself a small bit of what you need? You might have a vastly different idea of what your future holds, but what is one way you can bring an element of that future into your present? How can YOU feel cared for and supported? Give yourself that however you can. Is therapy affordable/accessible to you? I might encourage you to take an hour out of your week for yourself to tend to this with a professional. If taking time away brings up feelings of guilt, know that taking care of yourself helps fill your cup in order to take care of your father. Journal about what you're experiencing to honor and acknowledge your truth. If it helps, you might tell yourself this is just temporary. I also might suggest setting boundaries- if your mother is getting to be too much and is draining you, tell her you will leave the house for a bit if she says something upsetting. Tell her what she is saying or how she is treating you is not okay, and that you will not tolerate it. Hold yourself in high-esteem. I hope some of that is helpful ❤️
Thank you for your understanding and support Terri. It means a lot. I will put into practice the things you suggested. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me.
I understand- I think that's why it's important for us to become discerning and set boundaries with others (although it can feel really uncomfortable at first!) ❤️
I have noticed that when I put boundaries ppl just disappear! And I got alone, that is the reason why I don't put strong boundaries. Psi say we don't need ppl but I'm very sure it is not like that...
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 I usually say that if setting a boundary blows up a relationship, that relationship was built on our self-abandonment, which isn't okay, either. I like to think that when the folks who cannot accept that we're changing and evolving leave, it makes room in our lives for people who WILL. But it is a painful process.
Everyone, Novelist Joyce Maynard, famous for being seduced as a college student by author J.D. Salinger, and later almost being destroyed by him, has a novel on this topic coming out June 25, 2024.
Would you give advice to someone if you know for a fact it'll help them? For example - my friend has a drinking problem. He is always injured due to falls. What should I do? I don't want anything horrible to happen to him.
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 I have a video about what to do with friends with an addiction problem here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-y4sypquzQnk.html
Thank you SO MUCH, Terri, for this video topic and ALL you do! I've said it before, but, I'll say it again, you've changed my life. Thank you! God Bless You & your Family- 🙋♀️👍🙌😊🫶💞🙏 P.S. My Boundary Setting is getting better (albeit, at times a little 'messy', but, definitely better!). And, I know it will keep on improving. Thank you!!!
Boundary is tough. My mom is my trigger point and just keep pushing me to the corner. I said no, she ignored me. And I had to scream and yelled to get what I want.
