Caregiving for a narcissist 

The elderly narcissist: "God has allowed me to live another day, so I intend to make it everybody's problem"

From early childhood, I never knew anything but hatred and contempt from my mother, as well as slapping, beatings, and mental cruelty. I took care of her in her old age. Sometimes I hear people express pity for "the poor old people abandoned in nursing homes whose kids never come to see them." And I wonder how many of them are reaping what they've sown.

I am 62 and I was caregiving for my 79 year old narcissist mother for the past six years, until I had a heart attack this summer. She told me into the 3rd week (after I had just run to the grocery store for her and taken out her garbage), "I have decided to give you a full six weeks off from doing anything for me to fully recover from your heart attack". I was flabberghasted and then really angry. By the time that I got home, I decided that I would no longer care for her in order to care for myself and not have another heart attack. I told her in a text ,that for six years I have been her Uber, grocery delivery person, Post woman, Garbage woman, package returner, etc. and that she was going to have to make other arrangemnets because from now on I was going to take care of myself and my heart(in more ways than one). Her reply? "Have a nice life."...I replied back, "Thank you-I will". It has been emotionally difficult because I feel guilt and shame some days, and in a weird way, miss her sometimes, because she wasn't always bad(although that was probably just her manipulating me), but anyways, my life has been much more peaceful and I am working on healing physically as well as emotionally.

"I don't want to be a burden on my family." SAID NO NARC, EVER!

I firmly believe narcissists have children for this purpose

When my narcissistic father finally died, my mom and I could not have been more relieved and happy. Best thing he ever did for us.

The horrible truth is that they would NEVER care for you!

My mother is getting to this point and she is aggressively trying to move in with me. She is trying her best to avoid having to move in with my golden child sister, who is also a narcissist. Mother knows she will not be treated well there, nor will she be able to extract supply from my sister who is a narc on steroids!! She is mean, selfish and completely apathetic. I refuse to take on this responsibility even if it means I am cut out of the will. I would rather have, peace, health, and happiness over an inheritance that I may not get anyway!! Let the narcs take care of each other. I choose peace.

Just wanted to say that it was only when I became a caregiver - and was tearing my hair out with her behaviour - that I Googled "Habitual lying" and stumbled on the whole description of Narcissism. Literally, I cried with relief when I realised the problem wasn't my failure to cope with her....

A couple of months ago, I agreed to take care of an elderly woman whose daughter told me she had "mild" dementia. Well, the beech was a full-blown narcissist -- and after a week of her abuse, I told her daughter that I was leaving; but I agreed to take care of her dad for a week until a replacement could be found. So I was taking the narc's husband for a walk, grocery-shopping, to the gym, etc., and the beech was incensed! So what did she do? She told everyone in her family -- including the home-health nurse -- that I was having an affair with her 84-year-old husband in order to get me to quit before the week was over. They aim below the belt, guys -- NEVER underestimate them. 🥊

Cared for my narcissist husband for 3 years when he had cancer. He died. The feeling of relief was tremendous. This video describes it exactly.

Being a nurse in a new relationship with a narcissist is truly the biggest dilemma I have ever faced. Fighting that inner compassion was truly a struggle. The sooner you can stop playing that therapist/saviour role, the better. Sending resilience to anyone going through a similar situation 🤞

The Golden Child is a narcissists too. I moved 3000 miles away from these creeps and I'll stay there

Narcissism, dementia, hypchondriac + paranoia = very hard to deal with

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am 78 and I live a disability. Aside from the usual age-related infirmities, I suffered a viral infection in my brain 8 years ago. It has destroyed my balance and affected my speech a little. I fall frequently, broken arm, rotator cuff injury etc. My narcissistic 87 year old spouse has never acknowledged that this happened and has been just as demanding and critical as before. When I had excruciating pain after a knee replacement, he had no sympathy, told me, you wanted it, you live with it. I signed myself out of the hospital 18 hours after the surgery in order to look after everything at home. After 45 years of his angry outbursts, I was so conditioned to keep peace at any cost. He is now starting to show signs of dementia and I dread what lies ahead for me. I worked with ww2 veterans for 13 years, many of whom had dementia and I am no stranger to this disease. One of my guys was 89 and was the sweetest man ever, even apologizing when he couldn't remember things. The other man was 92 and the polar opposite, angry,demanding and ungrateful. I think I know which way my narc will be and I dread it. The silver lining to this is that I found your channel and the wonderful advice and information I get from you and your other readers. I no longer feel so alone, I know that there are many others out there, just like me. They know, they understand. No lengthy explanation required. No being looked at skeptically. I have been able retrieve something from deep down inside of me that I thought was gone forever. I have found a quiet resolve to take back some of what was taken away from me over the years. Nothing major has occurred but somehow I think he senses a shift, I am no longer cowed by his outbursts as before. I no longer scurry off to "fix" things. I still try to keep peace in the house and work around not setting him off, but my frenzy to please at all costs, has been replaced by quiet determination to be treated more fairly. The road ahead won't be easy but you have given me the strength to face it. I'm back, thanks in no small part, to you.

I was also the scapegoat who had to take care of my ill mother. I was only 14 when it started. She felt completely entitled to my help, even though I started failing at school, had no friends, was completely isolated from everybody. When I told her I couldn't do this anymore because it was killing me she told me to suck it up and stop complaining. "It's not like you have anything to do anyway, you're just sitting at home all day and failing at school. Make yourself useful." She died when I was in my early twenties. It was a second chance at life. Edit: Btw I also didn't get the deathbed apology/gratitude I was hoping for. Insted she told me on her last day of life that she was disappointed in the person that I had become and that I did nothing but hurt her all her life. NOT what I was hoping for. But it's what I got.

Caregiving for a narcissist can be very difficult. It can feel as though you are working against them, rather than working with them. Narcissists are paranoid and untrustworthy. They always feel like you are out to get them.

Because of COVID and my 90 year old mom's misery, I sprung her from the nursing home to live with me. It's been two months and I'm over-drinking, gaining weight and ignoring my friends. My 5 siblings says they are WAY too busy to help out. I finally made an appointment with a therapist. My mom isn't the WORST narcissist, but she aint no walk-in-the-park and she sure seems to like to push all my buttons. I love her. I HAVE to figure this out.

I'm a caregiver to a narcissistic parent and you just described my exact situation

I took care of my narc mom for 5 years. She died 6 months ago however I am still recuperating from the madness. It is like the toxin is slowly draining out of my poor body. It’s going to take awhile to get back to me again

I wrote off my mother from my life after confronting her about the abuse and neglect she inflected me during my childhood. She denied, minimized, and finally blamed me. I told her I wouldn't take care of her as she grew older because she didn't change and I owe myself peace. There's no way that I'm going back to her hell or anyone else's. I know what kind of people I want close in my life, no matter what. This is my right to choose that and any person who criticizes this can take care of her. I feel sorry for her to be as she is and her life is not my fault. Edit: thank you very much to all, for sharing your amazing stories of resilience and courage! I'm sending you all the positive vibes you need to continue to move on.

Absolutely right the golden child is nowhere to be seen when the going gets tough 👏🏻👏🏻

I have been no contact with my narc mother since 2013. She lives in a retirement home / assisted living place. They can take care of her. I will not.

You really nailed it. The isolation of caregiving for a narc with dementia is enough to make you constantly question reality, especially since they can still pull it together for outsiders in the early stages. Would love so much more on this topic just for comfort sake...these videos are my touchstones for keeping sane. 💜

Parents get old, and there is a passing of the npd torch to the next generation of toxic family members. Leave the circus before you become the trained elephant who forgets his own strength. When you get out, the aftermath will feel as heavy as an elephant. And, much like an elephant, you'll most likely never forget. Remember you are seemingly in a dark tunnel, you must keep going, never give up, even when it's hard, try everything you possibly can with determination, because you will see light and you will feel light again. Restoration is possible. A quote: Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".

OMG you got that spot on. I cared for my narcissistic mother for 11 years with no break because she wouldn't 'allow' it. I lived in with her - big mistake. Yes dementia was there in the end, my health has suffered considerably and continues to, yes siblings got equal share of her house after she passed this year. No one helped me out but are more than happy to take their share of her estate. Within the first 6 months I knew I should've walked away but couldn't bring myself to abandon her. I was ill in front of her very eyes but she didn't acknowledge it. I didn't understand it was narcissistic behaviour till the final year. I wish I researched it earlier on. My advice is don't do it !

My narcissistic mother refused to acknowledge her mortality at the end of life. Yes, she got worse with time. The less control, the more vicious. It was very sad to witness her decline.

“They often do live a lot longer than the rest of us.” That made me laugh as I just said that about my parents….. Thank you so much for this video. Wow! I don’t feel as alone after watching it! I truly was laughing out loud (as in “oh! Yes!) because of the relief!

Between the ages of 5-11 years old, I was the caregiver for my grandmother after school every day. My parents both worked and I was an only kid. My grandmother was unable to walk, not so good as swallowing, needed lots of pain and anxiety meds (RA), never left the house and sucked the joy of life out of me. Never said thank you, none of the family members ever did. As an adult, when people talk about the challenges of caregiving, I still have to leave the room.

I have never felt so validated and seen for what I go through

My father told me I had no choice but to take care of him when he got sick. I am the golden child, the scapegoat and the fixer. I will never do it again.

This was me a few years ago, i looked at care giving as precious time with my mother, but i put my foot down when it came to cleaning the house as there was another adult in the house as well, after my mother past away i was getting my hair done the hairdresser started taking about my mother and the mental child she had "thats me the mental one "that wouldn't clean her house, my mother had everyone convinced i was mentally unwell, one week before my mother died i told her when she goes so do i ,i left 4 brother's behind ,on the day she died the adult in the house while my mother was lying dead the adult snatched her purse, I'll take that he said , so disrespectful i was disgusted, i kept too my word i left the house when my mother left with the undertakers, thriving now better off without all the madness, in a new life full of happiness, joy loving me for the first time in my life, i understand myself more ...

Yeah, well, no contact is the healthy solution. No matter how difficult it is to achieve. No one has the right to abuse others and the abuse leaves effects on us that sabotage our success in life, no matter how much we become aware of the process. Go no contact. Leave them to social services

My mother 85yo is so demanding and angry and never satisfied ! I am the scapegoat and God I want to run away!

I am a caregiver by profession. I give clients up that get abusive with me when I can not manage to be detached any more and they don't respect my boundaries. I don't get paid enough for that.

Take heed of the warning Dr. Ramani has given. It happened to me. My health and finances were destroyed. The time away from work to take 24/7 care of my parent resulted in my social security retirement benefits being half of what I had anticipated. The government uses your last 10 years of earnings to calculate your benefit. So it's not just the fact that you weren't earning anything for years, it's that the 40 years you paid into the system gets erased.

Had to leave 9 years ago. It became a horribly toxic situation. Had to run.

Wow this is me taking care of my narcissistic, selfish mother. She doesn't know I'm moving out next year I have been quietly getting my life together. Thank You For This Video Doc. My Mother is mentally and emotionally in a wheelchair, been there her whole life.

I watch this to remind myself growing up as a scapegoated and parentified caregiver, why i should never break NC with my mother. Thank you a lot. How relieving❤

They also sabotage their children in the warped hope they'll never leave and be forced to caregive. Example, going to a job interview covered in "accidentally" spilled ice cream courtesy of the narcissist.

Actually, I took care of them for me. I was able to task my heart and head into believing my parent was now my patient and treat them as such. I expected nothing in return. When they passed I could look back with no regrets that I didn't do what my best. A visiting nurse was getting ready to take some blood, she stretched the rubbed thing they put around the arm and said in a whisper, "may we should put this around is neck". We both had a good chuckle. I suddenly realized that "it wasn't me", others could feel it too. I have been a elderly in-home health worker for most of my working life. After the chuckle with the nurse I decided to apply the care giver/ patient relationship to my parent relationship. It didn't take long before I was felling so much better. My advice to anyone going through a care giving relationship is to treat it like a nurse would and just nod and smile, then continue about your tasks.

This situation came up with my narcissist mother. My narcissistic sister has lived with or across from my mom and dad for 50 years but when my dad died and mom started smashing her windows out with her hammer (dementia & NPD), she demanded that I sell my house and move in with mom to take care of mom and my sister?! I live TWO STATES AWAY, she lives across the street. She tried to shame me, guilt me, gaslight me, then tried the silent treatment. I said "NO". During my dad's funeral, I had suggested putting Mom in Elder care. My sister said no and went into a narcissistic rage. When she became sick, she signed paperwork to have Mom put an elder care and became angry with me when I was asking questions about the facility. I asked her, "What did you think would happen when one of our parents died? You lived with them till you were 38 years old and then across the street from them. Who did you think was going to take care of them?". She literally told me that she thought "Mom would die first and her and dad would live happily ever after". My dad was a very kind, codependent man who was being physically abused by my mom and taking advantage of by my sister. I didn't even find out that until after he had passed away. Thankfully I made it away from that narcissistic trap. I was the scapegoat growing up but no more. The pure insanity that goes on in the mind of a narcissist. They can turn anything around on you. And there's no seeing logic.

I am a registered nurse who has worked in a nursing home. While the majority of patients were sweet and kind, there were a fair number who displayed manipulative, narcissistic behavior. Unfortunately, us nursing staff often found ourselves going above and beyond for these individuals just to keep the relationship with the patient and/or family as peaceful as possible.

Doing this WRECKED ME. After 56 years with multiple years of "time outs", caring for my mother, who I loved so much, at the last 3 years of her life, completely derailed me. I didn't want her to be alone and my 3 older brothers hadn't spoken to her in roughly 20 years...don't do it unless you are either super strong, have a death wish, or a GREAT therapist. I became su-cidal all over again in the two years since she died and I had to clean out her home...I am still not "over" it. RIP, Mom, because you sure as hell didn't have peace here on Earth...Im glad I did it, but I am NOT out of the woods yet. I am probably the "fixer" and as a nurse, I couldn't imagine her being anymore alone than she already was. At 84, she had become so...just so bad.

Currently caring for my ill narcissistic husband and it’s an absolute nightmare. The entitlement, the drama, the manipulation and lack of empathy towards me is infuriating! I have saved this video and I watch it at least twice per week so I don’t lose my mind.

In short, I want to say it again ' Old age is not a shield' and ' Blood relation can mean nothing when it comes to narcs' Please leave the narcs asap when you can, don't feel guilty!

With narc parents who have of fake health issues - beware of faking the severity (as was mentioned very delicately with "you don't know if it's narcissism or dementia"), legal issues (lying about how you treat them) and financially (they'll spend money and say you stole it). Also endangerment of others (e.g. reckless driving). When they're "elderly" they demand all the rights and blame you. E.g. they scream elder abuse to drive and cry I'm old when they get caught - and society blames you! If a teen without a driver's license would try to take the car, society would support you in telling them NO! When it's an elderly parent, you are evil, disrespect and ingratitude incarnated. And thank you Dr.R for bringing up this awful, soul-destroying topic. P.s. also physical violence and serious threats - no one cares when an old lady is physically violent, and it's a real concern that while "pretending" to have a fit (like throwing lit matches because "you have to do as they say") they actually do cause serious damage (since they're even more obnoxious and less agile). And the lit-match throwing is not made up.

We should all take care of our family members, but not narcissists. The movie Joker is the best example. (Spoiler below) Arthur spends all his life to give care for his mother, but finds out she has a narcissistic personality disorder, abused Arthur, severely damaged his brain and gave a serious disability for his entire life. So Arthur decides to kill her. (To be precise, his mother didn’t stop the abuse from his boyfriend, but it’s the same.) We shouldn’t be Arthur. We should go no contact ASAP and never see them. They never appreciate your care, take it for granted, and demand more and more. You take care of narcissistic parents, ruin your life and you die early. In my country, you go to jail if you are exhausted, can’t take care of your parents anymore, let them die. So some people go no contact before they need care to avoid jail terms. Do not care about narcissistic parents. Go no contact. They take your care for granted, they never appreciate your care. They live long, you die early.

Wow! What can i say...Dr Ramani you've described exactly what i went through while trying to take care of my ailing grandmother who had been neglected by all her children.I brought her to my house and guess what...i became her emotional punching bag,her rage towards me was on another level..i couldn't take it anymore and i returned her to her home and she died few weeks later.This video has given me peace bcoz I've been feeling like I did the wrong thing. Thankyou Dr Ramani.

I became the caregiver to my 86 year old "life partner" of 15 years when he got lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. He was very cranky, took out his frustrations on me, so I told the Hospice Nurse about it, and she gave me some Cymbalta, an SRI antidepressant, to give to him. This made all the difference. I made sure to get him to take one every day, I told him it was for pain, and things got a lot better. He slept better, and stopped yelling and baiting everyone. It saved my sanity.

Totally true. Wish I had known this before I gave myself over and was totally devalued and not paid for a year and a half of full-time work when I put my life on hold and failed to start a business. My narcissist said I was stealing from them when I asked for a meager wage for only a fraction of the work I did. Instead, they would call me names and say horrible things about me, devalue me, call me worthless, say I was stupid, and cuss me out for two hours while in the same breath would asked me to send gift money to our other family members when those family members had not even visited, let alone done any work. Totally, totally thankless and life-sucking job. I wish I had never done it.

I pushed myself so hard for my ex husband to the point I got Fibromyalgia. I was never allowed to get myself needed health care. I was always in charge of the care of the kids, home, pets, laundry, groceries, etc. I did everything and gave my whole body and soul to be treated like crap and betrayed and told all my energy was for nothing. . . . . .

My jaw almost dropped when you said that it’s the scapegoat who the family looks to to take care of the narcissistic parents. It happened to me. The way it worked out though was that my whole narcissistic family had made me so sick all my life (plus physical assault and other people’s abuse) that I was in a wheelchair and had so many mental and physical health problems I had to say no even though the empath in me still wanted to say yes. I had lived with broken ribs from constantly falling, constant vomiting, constant blackouts, and trips to hospitals of various kinds that I just had to tell them I couldn’t do it and I got the big narcissistic discard from all of them. They knew that I had gone through a lifetime of illnesses but being narcissistic none of that ever seemed to occur to them. As such I got out of nursing my horrible mother. I am convinced that had I taken on the job for my parents I would have died for sure and not a one of them would have cared or put two and two together. Just an early grave for me, the scapegoat...so what. Is it because the scapegoat is considered to be worthless so that’s one way they feel they can put her or him to use? Is it a continuation of their rage towards that person? It’s shocking how non-existent their empathy is.

My parents never planned for their future. It resulted in my demise (picking up the pieces which is a huge understatement). I'm still recovering 7 yrs later from a total physical and mental breakdown from the chaos. Long story.... wouldn't wish it on anyone. My mother is a grandiose Narc.

The narc in my life told me recently that she only had me to take care of her in her old age (I’ll be 70 next year) and expects me to leave my disabled partner, whom I’ve been married to for 30 years, and move back across country to take care of her. I could no longer take the long distance abuse and have gone no contact, after the physical abuse, neglect and lack of empathy she has doled out since I was a child. I am currently working with a therapisr who helped me realize that there is nothing “wrong” with me and that my missing sense of self came from being her idea of who I should be….the extension of her. She damaged me long ago and now, at this stage of my life, it’s time to work on me.

My narc parents actually were grateful for my caregiving, but they expected too much. They thought my caregiving had to go one forever. They never considered how my caregiving negatively affected my mental and physical health. It took up so much of my personal time and energy that I barely had a personal life. Being with my narc parents also constantly exposed me to their gaslighting and controlling manipulations which they would always deny doing.

My brother who was a narcissist and lived next door to my mother who also was a narcissist ( he was the golden child) wanted me to come back from the other end of the world to take care of her,I refused and told him it was his duty as he was living next door to her and what about our sister who lived in Paris but did not have a dime to her name,she was not asked to take care of our mother. I was the scapegoat in that "family" since I was a little girl,and left as soon as I could and was not going to come back to be exploited and abused.

I cared for my elderly grandmother for 26yrs, she passed 10yrs ago. Since I was 19. I was unable to work or have relationships. Now my mother is elderly with cancer. She treats me worse than granny. I am in therapy and these videos help me get thru. I was the scapegoat for 54 years.My uncle was the golden child. There is no money and with no work history I dont know what to do. I have been in this house since I was 6mos old. I dont know anything else. Thank you Dr Ramani.

I was the scapegoat, turned caregiver. I had to give up my own destiny for a person who really never had concerns about my own best interests, in regards to how I wanted to live my life. I've always like a prisoner and a indentured servant for my family.

They are in a community for 55+. The lawns and driveways (and snow) are done by the community. When they need it, there are nurses and/or caregivers who can care for them there.

She died in my arms unexpectedly last summer. It was a long hard road. I dont ever want to be stuck as a caregiver for anyone ever again. I'm still exhausted. Its been almost a year. I am still drained depressed and exhausted. I never had kids cause i I didn't want to be a caregiver. Oh and then me having to pay out of MY savings to bury her. That really pissed me off. She refused to preplan and many times told me that if she died just dont pay them. I laughed in disgust and said it doesn't work that way, they have to be paid! Ill bet theres a lot of narcissists that dont have preplanning in place. They shite on everyone in life and after they pass away and also make them clean up their homes, DEEP CLEAN THEIR HOUSE...her bathroom took me 4 days to fix and clean...donate their belongings to thrift shops, get rid of ALL their broken furniture that they never saw anything wrong with it...finances and funeral expenses when they pass away. They make you clean up after them in life and in death. It never ends.

It was BRUTAL. I left and went no contact after 5 months and told him to figure it out. He has the resources. I don’t care if I get nothing in the will now (he has always used money as a weapon) and my GC brother living across the land gets whatever mess of his millions is left over. My soul cannot be bought. Goodbye 👋. Also - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. It painted this experience out beautifully.

For me (and everyone else in my family), it’s my narcissistic adult twin sibling. We’re pushing 40, and for all these years, she refuses to learn how to drive, refuses to get a job, refuses to pitch in on any expenses, and scapegoats all of us into taking care of her. I recently had to walk away from my whole family system because my family is enabling her and I’m tired of being gaslighted into enabling her myself. She needs to pull her own weight.

I’ve been supporting my Father for nine months now. When the situation first presented itself I thought the support was only going to be financially. I adjusted my life and sacrificed my cherished autonomy to take him in because I thought, “yeah, this is a great opportunity for my dad to retire and take care of himself!” That was not the case. His behavior extends to flat out disrespect of the way I choose to keep my house and everyday is a battle for the living space I work hard to pay for. I feel like a child once again. Unable to defend myself against my father’s entitlement to do what he wants, whenever he wants. I find myself being torn between hoping there is still a chance to salvage our relationship and radically accepting that my father has NEVER been capable of caring for himself and hoping the end comes swiftly and mercifully. Best wishes to all those who find themselves in this battle. Stay strong, stay patient and stay kind. Thank you Dr. Ramani for producing this content! It is a light in the dark abyss I walk into every day.

Wowww, my jaw is just on the floor realizing you’re talking about something that looks a lot like my situation and family. I felt like NO ONE understands what I am going though and doing here. But you described it all perfectly and so I must not be the only one. And even just knowing that makes me sad, but also feel less like I’m some abscess in the world living this existence alone. Thank you for all your education and bringing awareness. I feel so validated, informed and empowered. 🙏🕊✨

Thank you for this. I’m a caretaker for my abusively manipulative grandfather and he refuses to pay me what I’m owed (1/10 of usual pay) after 2 full years of work and neglecting myself. I felt bad because my angel of a grandmother died (I was also her hospice caretaker) and didn’t want him to be lonely. My own codependency issues. But he has crushed my soul. No matter what I do. I was raised by a traumatized and narcissistic mother. The only daughter of my grandfather. Only the two of us will ever help him, but she is the only one who gets praise. Ironic, isn’t it. I live with him and have done everything, including his spouse’s hospice care. Hoping one day it will be enough. I’ve never wished for anyone to die, but that thought is there. Now that I’m taking time to myself to plot my next steps (after wasting 2 years of my prime and snowballing my health), he’s angry for not getting attention. Thank you for validating my feelings. My own therapist couldn’t do that. Your videos are so helpful. Bless you.

What about the children that never left home? i think that a narcissistic mother is capable of grooming the child from a very young age to be there throughout their lives.As the child grows older only to be emotionally numb to thier own wants and fully engaged with the attention seeking narcissist ,it feels perversely natural that putting yourself to the side and trying to prop up the wants and needs of this parent who is and has always has been incapable of loving you.

Dealing with Narcissists. Where is it written that you have to sacrifice yourself to the narcissist! We are all given a limited amount of time in this lifetime. I have sacrificed to many holidays and celebrations, to the needs and wants to narcissistic family. No Contact and low contact, has saved me! Take back your life! There is no reward for suffering, or abuse from a narcissist! Run Run 🏃‍♀️ and don’t look back!

This is an excellent video for the scapegoat who gets sucked into or guilt-tripped into caring for a narc parent. Make no mistake-there will be no appreciation or apology from the narc. They will expect you to to do this and then they will criticize your efforts. The caregiving will suck you dry emotionally and financially. And the enabling siblings (if there are any) will make themselves scarce until it is time for the estate to be disbursed. And finally, the scapegoat can count on being excluded from the estate- to add insult to injury. Seen this too many times.

13:50 most thankless job on earth 💯 God is watching though.

Omg! TU for this topic. I have been my mother's caregiver all my life! My dad was abusive and I tried to support her as young as 5! Then diagnosed with cancer when I was 20. I am 50 now and spent the last year and a half calling ambulance monthly. And yes, I have become ill (already dealing with CPTSD, depression? anxiety). Now having investigations done the last 3 months (inflammation? autoimmune?). She even called me to pick her up from hospital when I was getting ultrasound myself, despite me telling her she needed to call someone else. Denied that I told her I was having tests. Called me a liar basically. Went no contact then (2 months ago). So grateful to have all this explained and validated! Bless you Dr. R. I feel so much less "crazy" .... its NOT my fault. Xo

OMG, my husband of 32 years came back to me, for what turned out to be the last 4 months of his life (pancreatic cancer). I dropped everything to take care of him , he was the only person I’ve loved for my entire adult life and we have grown children. I’m glad I did it and although he’s gone almost a year, I’m still hurt by his last admissions about his secret life…it’s heartbreaking to watch someone die, even him

Interesting topic but as someone who is disabled and have had Narcissistic caregivers I am curious about hearing that as well.

It's not possible to give care to an elderly narc. I know - I'm going through it right now. The only escape is either leave or wait till he's dead. It's a one way system with any narc - theirs only. I now tell people to run and don't look back.

Been there. At long last, I finally refused. I refused to destroy my own life and lift the burden for siblings who had been dumping the responsibility for years. Amazingly, they were finally put in the position to have to step up for a change. It was one hell of a fight. And they are royally ticked off. TOUGH !

My role as a caregiver is truthfully to avoid guilt, shame, and criticism. In early March I PLEADED with my narc mom to prepare, stock up and sign up for meal delivery service as the pandemic was creeping in. "I don't eat frozen food", "I'll be fine" (invincible!). Weeks later she called panicked (w/only 2 days worth of food left living in a super hotspot). It's probably the first time she's called me in about 10 years (I call monthly). I live 4 hours away and spent DAYS trying to find a short term solution so she wouldn't go hungry until the meals arrived (I paid for the service for 3 months) and set up family zoom calls. I gave her advance notice the service was about to come to a close as it was safe for her to food shop in early June. I received a one line email thank you with future faking "I will make it up to you somehow". I haven't heard from her since. It is never reciprocal, the gratitude is very minimal, sometimes absent and it is always, always draining. For many years I have been bailing my mom out of situations where she made foolish choices. In every single case, her magical thinking and lack of consideration created danger, confusion, urgency with the sole focus on her. I'm trying to be compassionate yet cling to the philosophy "Poor planning on your part doesn't necessitate an emergency on mine". It is very difficult tightrope to walk on and I'm worried what's coming my way this winter.

I cannot even imagine, this video showed up on my RU-vid stream on such a right time!

This video is right on the mark! My 88 year old narcissist mother with dementia is a constant stressor for me as it's me taking her to appointments, grocery shopping, banking because I am the only sibling. I feel numb when I am with her and try not to let her guilt trips of not doing anything for her make me feel guilty. In the meantime, I have gardened for her, washed her outside windows, vacuumed the house etc. The dementia makes it worse as she constantly phones me and says she can't find anything, whether its a pair of scissors or a bunch of plastic bags, she will blame my husband for taking them. I realize when the time comes and she is gone that I will not receive any deathbed apology but I would like to think that I can let her know how I felt all through my life....

This video right here just made up my mind for me about all the anguish, confusion, pain, anxiety, and fear about putting our narcissistic parent into a nursing home. I am not going to kill myself for this person. Better yet, she is not going to kill me, or my siblings, if I can help it. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. Once again, I thought I was going crazy trying to sort out dementia and narcissism. Turns out gaslighting is alive and well in our demented narcissitic parent.

I helped my narcissist husband during pancreatic cancer and stroke. He did get more angry towards me, which was painful. But I did what I needed to do. And the stroke affected his speech center, so he couldn't punish me with words. I made sure that friends and family were there every day. I let him hold court, and by not being able to speak, he finally fit in, and people were comfortable around him. He prepared me for his loss, staying away from home except to sleep.

No one is making you do anything, you have a CHOICE!!! Choose WISELY, choose Yourself!!!🙋🏾

I was the goldenchild and fixer, and now I'm going to be the scapegoat when I move away. My brother is a narcissist too

My Mother (now dead) and my (soon to be ex-) husband. It’s starting to become a huge relief that my narcissistic husband has now plugged into a new relationship, though he has targeted someone who (I thought was) a friend for many years. To no longer feel any responsibility for his welfare, or to justify myself to him/gain his approval is making me feel lighter day by day.

Since my empath father died and my narc mom realised i am the only possible caregiver, I am the golden child now. Just to be sure.... i finally get the love i always craved for. It's one big mindf***

forgive, but do not excuse their behavior. Hopefully you have a positive support system around you to detox.

so true - Golden children are never saddled w this.

This is amazing! I have never heard a more straightforward and comprehensive veiw on the subject of caring for a narcissist parent. Roots are deep and I now realize what was going on from childhood. You are so on point. I believe my mental health is compromised and WAS when I was brought up. Looking after my 85 year old Mom has been devastating to my mental and physical being and there is absolutely no reason for it. I want the best for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be independent as long as possible. I am making sure that is happening but it's the same old belittling, triangulation with siblings who are now out of the picture now that Dad is gone, and she has unrealistic goals based on my support. Being 60 with a wife she hates. No fun. No one else is helping. You know the story well as I can tell.

Thank you! Adult child here with a narcissistic 80 year old father with dx early onset alzheimer's. What you said re not knowing if its narcissism or the dementia, is spot on! Hes definately got worse. The guilt and confusion as to why someone who was my everything as a young child, would speak to me, insult me and anything that makes me happy. From falling pregnant, to getting engaged and then married. He tried everything to make our lives difficult and all about him. Id already cared for himfor 15 years when i met my husband, and clearly it came from a place of fear of losing his control over me. He tried to convince me what a bad decision i made, that no doubt he will be a phycho and ruin my life. He litrelly was only nice to me when he saw us having troubles. The man didnt even walk me down the isle or even attend my wedding. Why? Because my mum and his ex wife would be there and my hubbys family and that he wouldnt feel comfortable. Ive bent over backwards, put my life on hold and jumped and said how high. But he says i have done nothing for him and tries to gaslight me. For a long time i believed him when he said i was fat and ugly, a bad mum, a c**t, b**ch, stupid, pure evil and the list goes on. I remember my daughter ( now 17)was about 6/7 and he'd accused me of being a terrible parent. After i got off the phone, i was on my knees, crying in front of my daughter, saying "im so sorry im such a bad mother, please forgive me". Can you imagine? My daughter just said "i love u mummy. You are the best mum ever!" That was the point i knew i had to listen to the people that actually love and care about me. But its not that easy right? Its took me 10 more years to finally go no contact. Best thing ive ever done. My daughter and him have a nice relationship and bless her, shes been helping him a bit. She doesnt suffer fools gladly and he knows if he lost her too, that would be it. So he minds what he says, making it even more hurtful that he wont give me the same respect. In fact it was my daughter that suggested no contact. I had no contact the first time for 4 months ( sept last year). I was bombared with abusive messages most of that time. I begged him to stop. Then he massaged me to lets put it behind us because guess what? He needed my help. I agreed. That lasted a month and he verbally abused me for the last time 1 month ago. The only thing that has come out of all this, is that i broke the cycle of manipulated parenting. My daughter is confident, super intelligent, makes her own decisions and is allowed imput on things that effect us. Shes beautiful and kind and im super proud. We dont fight at all and her teen years have been really easy for us, even though she also is dx adhd. At the end of the day it is really sad, i wish it were different, but i will never ever be his verbal punching bag again. I allowed it because i was told it was my duty but mainly because i was just trying to make the man proud of me, validate my feelings. I allowed it because i thought i deserved it because i felt i was damaged goods. Like i had to justify my existance. That i was to blame for his life. I realised that the way he speaks to me is how he speaks to himself. But i am not an extention of him. He doesnt see that at all. Its hard because hes housebound with agoraphobia ( self dx obviously lol ) and has no friends. But i am no longer sacrificing my life and boundries. I know the patterns clearly and it took no contact to be free. Today i am still a bit confused, but at least i know it isnt a character flaw in me. I have adhd ( dx & medicated for 2 years now) and no doubt a unhealthy dose of RSD, and im sure that hasnt helped and why i questioned my behaviour even if i knew i wasnt to blame. Today i am responsible for me. No one chooses my identity except me. I feel happy and peaceful and the negative self talk is waning because i dont have him reaffirming all my shortfalls every bloody day. For that i am grateful. Your videoes have been a great source of help with many different topics on mental health and for that i thank you. ❤

With mums alzheimers she blatantly emotionally guilted me “thank you SO much for coming, I love you so much…!” Where you feel no love from them, just sucking need and playing the victim, Then as you leave it will be “oh I’m so sad, you are so goo, please come back I need you!” Knowing that caring for them was making me sick. The abuse was… everything in between. There was no one else. Just me. I ended up chronically ill. Pushing myself to nearly having a very serious car accident. Once she got into a home and settled down when I wasn’t around, and I knew she was cared for. I was done. But Christmas… it’s so hard, this is the second Christmas I won’t have seen them, I’m grieving the parent I lost, and my “neglect”… and guilt… I’m so exhausted just thinking about it. I just… exhausted all the time I think of this…. I wish I’d seen this video when it was all happening. Which would be around when it was happening. Mum would use money as a lure to keep me around. Yup I’ve gotten the complicated grief… I’m just lucky I held onto my job, so I can actually live .

This is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you so much 🙏 I had my borderline narcissistic mother in my care for a few weeks and I became so sick … I literally returned her to condemned home and told the social worker I want nothing more to do with her - her delusional demise is her own to suffer.

Wow, it’s so sad my reality. He’s never going to die, I was joking around w/someone who gets it and that was the punch (in the gut)line. Being a empath, and knowing why I am today is priceless. I’m not a victim anymore and, yup here are the tears of joy, thanks doctor R, I see why people fall in love with their therapist. I’ve been looking for answers to this stuff all my life, and doing it solo is been a great/terrifying experience. Vent ! And peace ☮️ to anyone else dealing with this difficult situation.

My narc mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2016. I had a husband and 3 kids who also needed me. I took her to her appointments, took notes, explained to her the doc talk. I wanted to be there because I loved her. When she had radiation she preferred my narc father, who she would complain about daily and who was an asshole to her. I couldn’t understand why. She would praise over and over how sweet her sister (who would bring her food and grocer) was. And her niece who was just the sweetest and always so helpful. I did get a thank you, although it didn’t feel as good as I thought it should. The same month my mom was diagnosed, my husband began his affair with his current wife. 2016 was a difficult year, but it put my recovery in higher gear. In 2019, I began to pull further away from my mom when I started to realize more how she really was the selfish one in our relationship. I stared a full time job and she helped with my kids. It stressed me out and it stressed my kids out. When I took her with me to a counseling appointment, she spent the whole hour talking about herself and how she’s been the victim of her husband’s narcissism. When I asked her about the appointment, she was indignant and in a public place, told me how my abusive father wasn’t that bad. “I think about what you always say, ‘it could always be worse’ (a phrase I used to help me look at the bright side) It could have been worse”, she told me. I cried, she was indifferent. She’s in denial. It was worse than she’d like to admit. She refused to go to the next counseling appt. I started to see her clearly and have kept putting more distance. Months later she asked if I’d like to go to counseling with her to “work on our relationship”. I told her I didn’t have time. Her cancer was my blessing. I am now divorced, minimal contact with my mother and less with my father. It has healed my soul in ways I never knew needed healing. I hope that as time passes I have less contact with then. Just have another string to cut next.

For 13 years I was in a relationship with a narcissist who was/is disabled and in a wheelchair. I can’t believe it took me so long to see the truth, It’s so difficult when you are an empath taking care of someone in need who just never appreciates you but instead feels entitled to it. I am still trying to recover mentally and emotionally from the last 13 years of my life gone and now 60:years old and will probably not have that loving, honest, respectful intimate relationship I thought we had. He was in a wheelchair when we met but was such a nice guy and totally love bombed me I thought this is it , I met the one I was meant to be with, that ended quickly. The problem was I didn’t have the heart to be that person that left a man in a wheelchair, I felt guilty and so I stayed, just to abused mentally, verbally and emotionally over and over . One week before Covid 19 hit we went no contact because he refused to call me , after all , I owed him a call as usual. It has been over 5 months now and nothing, after giving and caring for him for 13 years , during a pandemic I don’t even deserve a call or a text to see if I’m ok! Lesson learned a little too late, don’t make the same mistake I did, when you see those red flags, end it immediately!

It is soooo exhausting!! EXHAUSTING!!!!

This is exactly what I am facing today!!! My spouse of 36 years is about to be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which causes all sorts of impairments. I told him in January of this year I want a divorce...then covid-19 hit and I held off and now this!!!! I feel awful. Trapped and depressed. I see our adult son caretaking him and I want to scream. Thank you for this video. Once again, so timely! Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. 💕

Thanks Dr. R. for providing the empaths out there with our daily dose of "How the World Really Works"

I moved 700 miles from her at 21, I am the scapegoat, she hurt me my whole life and I have been in counceling my whole life

SUCH an important video! Thank you. I'd be interested in HOW an adult child can justify not taking care of an ailing parent - to a world (including golden child sibling - and partner!) that doesn't see the narc in that ailing parent - and more importantly, to their empathic self. I see the situation coming my way, and even now, the guilt of the idea of not caring for them, is HUGE.

The worst caregiving situation I've ever experienced is dealing with my narcissistic husband with stage 4 cancer. I dealt with his rage, threats, ploys for sympathy , insecurities, triangulation, and entitlement. At this point, I'm trying to carve out a life for myself that infuriates him. Now he attempts to be nice and loving yet will become angry when I don't reciprocate. He's well aware that the marriage is a sham and that my goal is to be cordial and to assist him.

Wow. You have nailed this! My elderly Dad is a narcissist and you have described my situation very accurately. I am the scapegoat and the burden of caring for my elderly Dad and my enabling Mom falls on me. All my siblings live far away and hardly ever visit, or provide financial support. My older brother, the golden child, is not involved whatsoever in my parents' care. My business and my personal health is suffering. My Dad told me a couple of days ago that unless I spend my money to pay his bills, he owes me nothing. He could care less about all the time I spend on him and Mom. Entitlement, I guess. So I really appreciate the wisdom you shared in this video. It came at just the right time. Many, many thanks!