This is one of the most diverse and thought-provoking episodes we've ever recorded. If you like this type of episode could you do us a favour and hit the like button, it helps determine what type of conversations we have on this channel, thank you! 🙏
Omg man!!! Was just going to sleep!! NOW I MUST SATAY AWAKE AND WATCH!! Ok might as well use this time wisely … 300 sit-ups floor exercises and sauna ALL WHILE LEARNING!! Omg !! Your shows are sooooooo yummy!! Interestingly enough I don’t necessarily love every guest that you have on …BUT I love your interview questions! … ok .. LETS GO!!!!💪🏽❤️❤️❤️👍🏾
I do understand issues of maturity for boys, however, their social skills would then really suffer. Chris does state that girls are more able to have a social circle than boys but starting them a year later would be catastrophic to the very skills they need to forge ahead.
So if I made you feel alone then you can simply choose to ignore me or etc... But if you were locked away alone in a jail or stuck on island , that is probably way worse. To actually be alone.
“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.” - Jim Carrey
100% percent agree with it being addictive, peaceful and calming. And the people seeming more draining after a while of peace. But I just don't see it as dangerous.
In my 20’s I felt lonely but had quite a few friends around me. Now I’m 58 I enjoy solitude, have less friends and don’t feel lonely. I think loneliness is something you have to break through because as an eternal being in someways you are alway alone. Meditation helps. Other beings can bring different aspects of your personality out but no one can make you happy or bring you peace. It’s something you have to do yourself.
Yes, always look within,find what makes you happy,also see what others can do for you too, they can bring out new things that y'all both can enjoy, don't be unequally yoked,find someone with the same Christian values as you,just try don't have sex,see what there is out there you might be surprised,❤
You are right, that happiness is an inner state, an internal decision we can make, and that we need to be at ease and content with our relationship with self. Without being able to love ourselves, it's really hard to really love others. It's great that you're happy in your own company, however, deep down, humans naturally have an innate need to be part of a tribe, and to feel connected. It's also important for our health to interact socially. As a therapist, I'm just aware that most, not all people, who claim that they are perfectly happy being alone, aren't truly. It's a coping mechanism. By supressing their true wants/needs/desires, however, subconsciously, they've triggered all kinds of issues. I'm not saying that's you, just be mindful that you are completely honest with your thoughts and feelings.
I’m a 44 year old man. My last relationship was in 2018. I have never been surveyed about dating but I relate to what Chris says. My issue is a feeling of unworthiness and having nothing to offer. I don’t do drugs or drink, nor do I play video games. I don’t post this for pity or sympathy ( my current mental state is my responsibility) I post this because his statements ring true in my ear and he describes my mindset shockingly well
@Ben thacker, i feel ya Brother Maybe many feel this way. But the first thing is to stop comparing yourself to others, others are not as Allknowing or perfect either, nor are we. I think the more we realize everyone is flawed and have shortcomings, the sooner we drop the disapöointments even with ourselves or exoectations. In this day and age, i feel just surviving the work day or day is one of the greatest accomplishments lol Everyone's struggling and falling short due to this forced way of barely living, to have no ebergy left fir that which is the most important ; our family & loved ones. So be gentle compassionate, lobing and kind to yourself. I myself am on a self acceptance, self love and healing journey. Ive never been in a relationship, im closing my 40's soon. But no more shame or guilt for who i am. As long as one has got one's heart in the right place and a good head on the shoulders, thats enough. Everything else is a discovery journey, by ourselves or with others. Keep the faith, and keep working or focusing on building yourself up, accept the loneliness and becone your best friend & cheerleader ✊☯️ All the best to us all!!
I love your honesty, it's particularly helpful to read as it will resonate with many men AND women who find themselves in similar positions. What I would say is please consider seeing someone who you can talk this through. A therapist you connext with. Many times especially those who have self awareness turn that in on themselves, and can be really helpful to have a neutral person who cares about your welfare no one else's redirect you back to yourself. Just an idea...not everything has to done on your own.
I find that the concept of ‘choosing your regrets’ is absolutely spot on. The idea of being able of ‘having it all’ is just a fantasy. As a woman I have both, a friend that wonders how far she could have gotten professionally if she hadn’t had to slow down to take time to raise her children and another one that accepted a managing position and didn’t have enough time to be around her children. So at the end of the day, they both have regrets. You better choose well with which ones you can live with and feel happy about the positive of what you have accomplished instead of worrying about what it could have been, because regrets are inevitable. That’s life.
Not everything is a choice. You don't get to choose to feel sad when a loved one dies. You can choose to try and not feel sad but its not up to you. This concept that humans have meaningful agency is the biggest fantasy of our time. The advice should be "when you feel upset about your life choices understand the feeling is transient and life is unpredictable. You are doing your best."
I’ve been young and single, married with children, divorced and a single parent. And now 52 single, with adult kids and grandkids. Over the years I’ve both enjoyed and been fulfilled by each life phase, and I’ve also been discontented, unhappy, bored and lonely at points during each life phase. This is the nature of the human experience, joy, pain, loss, peace - all part of a life well lived I think. I don’t personally think it’s got much to do with our relationship status or whether or not we’ve had kids or not at any given time. My personal growth, personal happiness, contentment, confidence etc is and was always was MY responsibility , not someone else’s.
I’ve lived basically the same life now at 56 single with young adults. I’m embracing this chapter with open arms and trusting the process of simply living the best life I can as I’m living it because it could all change tomorrow
I was thinking the same thing. I’m 59 , I’ve been the exact same relationship statuses. I’m responsible for my own happiness. I so enjoy solitude currently as my list of responsibilities has decreased as well . My husband just recently passed away (unexpectedly) so I’m reinventing what my life will be going forward- and I’ve decided pursuing a relationship will not be my path. I’ve lived a full life in a marriage- and feel content with that being my experience.
The only thing I care about when dating men is their level of empathy and self awareness and I really struggle. I took myself off dating apps and try to connect via friends or group events and the struggle is still here. I could not care less about their education or job level. 😢
you want a traditional man. with sacred values. fun is abundant. Value, devotion, meaning, depth, reliable bonds are too much for people to abide by. have a cat lol & read or listen to podcasts &…exercise.
Okay ladies, this HAS to be a huge wake-up call for us!! Men arent all creeps, most of them arent. Ever get a little too drunk at the bar? I have, unfortunately more than once, who came to "help me to their car?" A handsome outgoing man. Who came to my rescue? The little bit overweight shy man once and a very shy kind of awkward guy i now call my husband. I drank regularly at the same bar. Finally after coming to my rescue he approached me before I got too intoxicated and he asked me if I would consider not getting drunk that night and instead going out to eat. I declined, got hammered, he took my keys, and called me an uber. Next weekend he did the same. Approached me before I got too hammered and i declined. The 3rd night (about a month from the last invite) this happened he approached me and asked if I'd like to go to dinner. I don't know if it was his willingness to hear no and stay polite to me, or just the fact that he saw me get way too drunk and still wanted to talk to me LOL That night we went to dinner and he asked me point blank why i drink until I'm blind drunk. I wasn't really sure. Unhappiness i suppose. He told me that he would try his best to make me happy enough to not get drunk 3 nights a week. That was 10 years ago in july, im pretty dang happy! And 10 yrs sober HAHA Im happy with the bald kinda frumpy extremely intellectual and insanely driven man, and i find him more attractive the more time that passes. ♡
I just love this. He perused you to sobriety. What a kind and caring gentleman. May you be blessed and healthy and happy together. His blessings upon you.
I sent this to my step-son and my friends. This episode spoke to me on so many levels. I am a woman that never had a chance to have a child because I waited for the right mate. I found him and then he died. Fortunately I was gifted his children. My close girlfriends never married and have no children. And yes, they planned too, but time ran out of time. Thank You this conversation. Love your channel!😍
@@kristinrichmond8185 We absolutely had that conversation before marriage. He agreed then, but when we were married he never wanted to be ready. He didn't want to have to take care of our dog, much less a kid.
I took so much away from this. My mom passed away from cancer so she’s no longer with us, but something he said reminded me of one of the things she used to say to me 45 years ago, to do what you hate that needs to be done early in the day and then everything after that will be so blissful AND that you will remember those things better and with more joy if they aren’t tainted with what you still need to do. I’ve let that fall by the wayside and want to get back to that practice!! She would have loved this practical and yet insightfully meaningful conversion!
Up until September 9th ,2021, I can honestly say I was a slave to my insecurities and my selfish need to be insufficient in my own eyes. I was a daily user of alcohol. I was a promise breaker, to myself and to others. I carried with me a fear of success only slightly smaller than my fear of failure and I self medicated into a stupor 5/7 days. I am a father, and I tried my addict best to be as good as possible, but the fog of war I trudged in everyday kept any sense of peace or contentment I could have felt at bay. I lived in 24 hour cycles of pain and numbness, with euphoric drunkenness, escapism and despair, self induced and self propelled. I knew I was dying. If not physically, I was spiritually drowning. So one day came after a particularly horrendous family incident, the day I’d been hoping and dreading, preparing for yet never prepared for, the day I decided at last to take control of the only thing I’d never been in control of, and I stopped drinking. Cold turkey as they say. I am just like Chris. Few friends and always a sense of brokenness that hasn’t faded. And then my journey began, alone for the most part, gritting my teeth everyday and refusing to break this one promise I’d made to myself after decades of only self betrayal, and now I look back on the last 640 days and I weep inside, cuz I see 640 days of an unbroken promise. My boys can’t even remember the last time they saw their dad drink. My wife is learning to trust me again. And my mental and physical and spiritual health is as close to healthy as I can remember ever being. What makes me happy is being clear and focused, I enjoy not escaping into an altered reality, and much like Chris, my curiosity has led me to his channel and many others like this. And it’s ok it took me 41 years to get here. Im grateful to all the men and women like Chris who are helping others get their lives on track through the power of their own minds. We only need one friend to get us going, and sometimes that friend is just a friendly voice in our heads.
Listening to Chris is like listening to my emotional doppelgänger. His childhood experiences mirror my own. This was a conversation that has done me wonders. Love his powers of observation.
@@jakevendrotti1496 I don't think they were suggesting that it was magic so much as it is impressive when someone prepares for something and have a lot of accurate useful knowledge at the top of mind ready to go. Every now and then you will see an interview where the guest did not prepare and it's painfully obvious although not super common at least not in my experience. Christ did a great job with this.
@@patc2515 yeah because all Chris does are these podcasts, he uses the same stats over and over, whereas other guests mostly have full time positions on top of being interviewed. In a way though, this single male epidemic is good business ;)
Mate that fear of insufficiency and running away from becoming what you don’t want to be like the feeling of being worthless as a child, is exactly me ! I don’t chase my goals I run away from my demons. Running away from a monster is just stressful. Running towards your dreams makes you happy. Most profound piece of information I’ve ever heard on a podcast. Thank you so much for helping me realise this.❤
yes, turn around an chase your dreams. But it helps if you understand yourself and your past. When i read your post i thought of: "Massive Attack - Angel" - ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-hbe3CQamF8k.html
you need to a) come to a place where you are happy in solitude b) always compete ONLY with yourself. Are you better today than yesterday? Then today was a success. I know this seems over-simplistic. But small steady improvement makes a huge difference. And being ok with you alone is a great motivation to continue the change. *solitude not loneliness. Solitude means enjoying yourself and your time with you.
That point in the conversation brought me a different realization. Once I was through my extremely negative childhood/teens/ 20's nothing more fearful than that could bring me down. No cat will ever scare me. Knowing that I can get cheese whenever I want may keep me from really aggressively going after my desire to earn the whole dairy farm so I can produce all the cheese needed to feed the world. And pay for a jet. A jet would be nice.
Fascinating ! Chris, I definitely never had a natural maternal instinct to have children. I feared most being dependent on a controlling partner and just as you said "I ran straight into the arms of a cooperate industry" !! I Love other people's children and luckily for me most children trust and like me. But I don't feel sad because I really can't imagine how I could have been as independent as I am and having the privilege of being able to call out bad behaviour etc if I had not followed the income path that I followed. The concept of having to be dependent on a partner is frightening to me and always has been.
Lady, wrong, couples cooperate together and make their lives meaningful in their common achievements. When your services are no longer wanted, no one will need you.
When I first met my girlfriend, I felt as if I had loved her but at the same time, I couldn't feel anything. It was a horrible dilemma. It lasted several months and I didn't say much to people as I know they'd respond stating that "she isn't the one" if that feeling of doubt was there, but something deep inside me knew it was more than that. And so, I stuck with that feeling. When that strong feeling of love for her was there, it was strong I could have cried and when I looked at her and imagined that I ever doubted her, I could have cried too. The love she gave me I realised was too overwhelming, my psyche wasn't used to it for in the past, that love was invisible from everyone else. It is the danger of getting used to the feeling of rejection and isolation. Even though you yourself know both of those are negative feelings, your psyche gets used to it, gets comfortable with it. If you go too far entertaining those feelings like I did, love feels alien, unusual. It feels like nothing even though you know it's there, deep inside of you, only for some reason you can't get it out. It's at that moment you have to remind yourself that those feelings of estrangement in love - that's your body in shock of something it thought it would never get.
i get every word of what you say. i loved someone the same way she loves you (if she did then, there's a huge chance she still does, coz that kind of love isn't what goes away). and it felt so alien to her, so the possibility of having it brought up first the possibility of being accustomed to it, only to have it taken away again and that hurt wud be more than she cud recover from. so she kept herself walled. and everytime we met, something in me got her heart responding, becoming warm, and it scared her so much. it's not her failing, and it wasn't your failing either. it was where she was then, and it was where you were then in life. can't fault you for it. just that love like that doesnt go away. there's no BECAUSE, no REASON why i love her, so i can now stop. it just is. like the sun is.
it may be a danger getting used to isolation, idk if getting used to rejection is a bad thing. as mentioned in this video, 84%women want to be approached. accepting rejection with preserverance is better than being motionless. that's s kind-of a of internal isolation. Don't be afraid to fail. Be afraid of being comfortable. there is no growth in comfort
Thanks for sharing and really well put. The reaction could be considered a subconcious learnt coping mechanism of shutting down to protect oneself where you previously needed and sought connection but was unseen/unheard/rejected. Wishing you continued success.
That's close to how I would feel I would be loved by a gf. That's one of the thousand reasons why I don't date anymore. Even if I would stuble across the right one just by pure chance, I wouldn't be able to appreciate her at all. I would be skeptical and doubtful of her to the point that I would lash out at her and call her crazy for loving such a narcissistic asshole like me. I even fear love, because it was one sided in the past and it destroyed me, so I forsake it altogether. But in the back of my mind I know I want someone to love me for who I am. It's a paradoxical mindset where you deep down want love, but would condemn anyone who does so. Considering this, I'm better off alone so I don't hurt someone who just tried to love me....
Anyone that works out KNOWS that what he said is SO TRUE. I make myself work out on days that I truly would rather just sit and watch RU-vid., but I make myself do it even though I don't want to, and for one; I feel better after and 2; it IS building a pattern of behavior that eventually became disciplined.
I really believe the major human crisis is just this plain and simple feeling that many people don’t feel loved. They also don’t know where to find it. That experience of knowing love literally cures all ailments.
I have looked for a definition of love, as I don't know what it means. It seems "love" effects the same areas of the brain that addictive drugs do. Addictive drugs are easier to find...
It’s learning how to love others first because true love is unconditional. Once you understand this people will love you back and then it’s learning how to receive it. How is it people don’t know this fundamental part of being human? Maybe it’s because we’ve lost our sense of community where people would automatically look out for one another without any expectations. Generations before understood that love can be experienced in many different forms not just romantic love so there was less expectations on a potential partner. That’s where we’re going wrong, everyone expects their partner to be their world and it’s just too much pressure. It’s not about being perfect. It’s just about showing up for each other in the best way we can
This episode opened my eyes on why I feel like an imposter, even when I'm successful. I have been constantly breaking promises to myself and that's why I never trusted myself or my abilities. Thank you so much.
I think this was indeed very insightful, but for you to carefully consider what was said and recognize that within yourself, that too shows a willingness to learn, admit you had areas to work on, and be open to change! Keep on growing! 😊🙏 And may we all learn to trust in Jesus more than we trust in ourselves! He said if we put our trust in him, he will grant us riches unknown!
I'm 38 and I've never been in a relationship with a man that wasn't abusive. I don't mind that I haven't dated or had sex in years. I feel happier single, childless and chronically alone than I have ever felt while dating a man.
44 and same. Only abusive partners. Sometimes I feel very alone but I have lots of children in my life through friends, and my nieces and nephews of course. I feel like I am better off alone most of the time.
@@shafaatoo9328 yeh, I think we need to let women be comfortable to express that stuff. Imagine expressing that publicly, when at times it might have been a crippling pain in their life.
I’m single because the men I have dated did not treat me well. I became very sick mentally and physically. I’m extremely fit and healthy now, and I attribute it to being single and focusing on my well being. Guys like you are not walking around everywhere. Men need to start learning from other men how to think about other people and not just their immediate needs that they use people to get. Thanks
Woahhhh blown away completely with Dating Apps chapter! Being a girl at 28 who dedicated all my years till now to education and career i couldn't relate more and I never realized how much massive scale that problem was. Chris literally changed my perspective of looking at things!
Don't be afraid to talk to your friends and collogues about finding a partner. Let them know what you are looking for. Network. You'd be surprised how many people will help. Don't be discouraged.
Chris is one of my favourite people...As a childless not by choice woman working with Childless not by choice women....he's one of the few with a big platform to really speak out for us.
Im a 30 year old guy doing my masters. Chris changed the way I see my fellow single female students in the same age range. I stress about finding the right person, butI cant imagine the stress of finding the right person with the added pressure of getting too old to get children. I really feel for you
You have to stop entering relationships as a comsumer and treating relationships as transactions. A lot of people confuse love with "I need my needs met". Real love is interested in meeting others needs, because it loves the other regardless.
You haven't been in a relationship with a self-centered, self-absorbed and manipulative person. These kinds of people exist and will drain every life force in their partner. They give very little and take a whole lot. They typically attract sensitive people with weak boundaries who they can easily overpower too. I pray it never happens to you. Please, don't be too quick to judge other people's experiences.
I constantly tune in to your podcasts, as well as Crhis', and Alex too. Whenever you feature each other as guests in one way or another, it always feels like some tv series crossover haha. Gotta love it. Great work, nice topics. Love the way you keep the flow of discussion back and forth. Cheers
It would be great to talk about the ghosting issue with online dating. No one wants to be vulnerable with each other anymore so it feels like everything exists on a shallow level.
Hit the nail there. Not been there, but at you are out there and people are aware of that. They used to call it standing up. Back the day. Best wishes.
People with a life (real life outside, not internet) read a text and dont care anymore. People living a life online... consider those text messages very important. I learn it not long ago
People ghost you if you have misrepresented yourself, that simple.. I do it when we finally meet and they are 20kg heavier than the photos they have sent before the date
Thank you for this episode. I love how nuanced it is while still pointing out what's going wrong in our society. Sometimes is feels like this nuance is gone, simply because the loudest voices are those who don't intent on being part of the solution, but only care about dividing us more.
Thank you for this episode. This was one of the best discussions I've seen on any podcast. The pace, the topics, the depth and variety. All brilliant and logical. Thanks again
I think it's really true what he said to have more sympathy.. I'm 34 female, kind of a high achiever, run my own business, got degrees and stuff, yet I deal with such loneliness because when I'm online dating, I judge guys on the most objective things.. whereas if i met them in person, I actually don't care if they're earn less if they've got some very attractive traits (i.e. patience, kindness, humour - all these important and super attractive virtues).. and also if they embrace that I'm a bit ambitious, but that's only one side of me - I'm also incredibly sensitive and nurturing, and that's hard to know from online. The problem with in person dating is, sometimes you join a community and it takes a lot of time to sort out whether someone is single or taken, and even if they're single, you need to sort out their intentions. Tbh i have no solutions, but from what i got from this episode is, women should also be more sympathetic to guys, so next time i think i will just smile and say hi and not wait for them to make the first move, and i will be friendly even to guys who dont seem attractive because there could be hidden gems in people. bring back offline dating !!
The first man that talks about women, motherhood and the challenges of the modern women, without bashing and blaming them! SO SO HAPPY to have come across this! Not all men are pigs ladies!
@@GR-zh4ol those two things are not mutually exclusive. He does have a good role model, Dr Peterson with whom he has a close personal relationship with. I’ve never seen he talking about his father, although I know he has one and was raised by him and his parents are married. I think his main role model is Peterson as it is to many people
There's no way to sex up motherhood. People are avoiding it because they've seen the struggle of their own mothers, whether single or married and don't want it. Generally, there is a recognition of good and bad parenting and people are being encouraged to not be bad parents which means some people recognise that they shouldn't be parents. What's wrong with that? Also, you cannot ignore wage stagnation, economic decline, general social pessimism even on people's ability to form families.
it seems like a perfect storm of conditions that impede 'traditional' family building: lower purchasing power, change in gender equality, advent of social media, decline of communities (religious and others). I think we could be part of a 'lost' generation living during a period of transition, as we are in uncharted territory. The socio-economic indicators are not looking good hence the pessimism
Very astute point. Aside from socio economic issues, until marriage and children's rearing labour is ruthlessly enforced as equally shared (not merely parental leave options but agreed prior to marriage in contractand breach carries consequences (& socialisation of genders doesn't impede healthy emotional commitment due to a realisation of having to "step up" eg Scandinavian marriage lag), its is simply educated logic to be concerned about rearing children in a hostile world. Yes the world has always been hostile but we are now all acutely aware of how we all contribute to the hostility and how maladaptive personalities are so widespread that attempting to partner with another person to form a nuclear family seems a death wish...
Quite. The evidence shows that if women (anywhere in the world) have control of their bodies and contraception, the birth rate plummets. Apart from the fact the world can’t cope with our imploding population, this is a good thing. Centuries of patriarchy is very very slowly being dismantled. Women and children benefit from smaller families and the assumption that all women should want children is a myth. They don’t. Also, It’s sad but men do have to understand their position of privilege and that complaining about ‘injustice’ towards them sounds ignorant to women who live their lives dealing with it every day.
I'm 43, single mother. Recently tried online dating. Talked with several men in my cohort. They all at some point mentioned that it has been over a year since they were intimate with a woman. I assumed they were just saying that to make me feel like that's not what they were about....listening to this, I'm thinking at least the majority were actually telling the truth😮
Your 43, and a single mum. Your on paper a liability. You expect a man to come along and take on a role of a husband and step father, and assist and bear responsibility for your child , yet he had no actual say in the decisions that matter, and at any moment you could leave him and he would never see the kid again. Your also 43 , and men want easy sex. Holy or not. Intangibles like Personality and character doesn’t mean as much as your lead to believe.
@@SSD92_x Yes, single men and women with children are less desirable but they often can still find somebody. Dont be so negative. Your comment has nothing to do with what she said. Dont dump your "problems" on other people.
I'm almost 40, and I haven't had sex for about 6 years now. I kinda wanna say how "you women are all pathetic cause you have no idea whats it like to go through life with no sex". But on the other hand some fem-ist will read my comment and say "See? Told ya! They all are angry mysogynists out there!". I'm just gonna pretend like I didn't write any of this. p.s. Even when I had sex - it was "paid" by me. p.s.2 How does anyone expect women to understand relationship problems when they can't even do the simple math on sex? 10% of top men(alpha and players) sleep with 90% of women - thats the reality. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GRASP?
"SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF" . . . . I stumbled upon a video by @Heidi Priebe back in late November. She offered "make your bed every day for a month" as an option that's not so very time/energy consuming, but pays dividends, so it's an ideal way to start slow & easy on a new journey toward showing up for/loving your damn SELF in the ways that others never could, and toward (re)building trust with yourself. I thought to mySELF "SELF, that sounds like a good place to start, but why not take it a step further & add "brush your teeth" to the mix!?" And SELF thought that sounded pretty good. I made tick marks on the wall, and when I hit Day 30, I kept going. My Today Self is so proud and grateful for my Yesterday Self waking up, making her bed, then brushing her teeth. 🕉 Thank you Heidi! Thank you Steven! Thank you Chris! Thank you SELF!
Actually hell is a place where your soul will go if you’re not in Jesus Christ when you die…repent and believe in the Gospel of Christ. He died for you so that you may be saved if you choose Him. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
"You are delusional about your competence" - Wow... that really rung true with me. Definitely need to expand on that more in my next counselling session. Personal development... understanding yourself more... it really is a hard mountain to climb; learning which route you took, sometimes going back a few steps, finding the route you should be on, and figuring out how to get there 🤯
What an amazing podcast! This arrived to me in a moment when I am trying to build a routine of strong and healthy habits to try to drive my life rather than just be driven through it. Thank you very much for the valuable insights!
Loneliness is a sadness a mourning, an internal crying of feeling unloved. But that loneliness is usually around judgement of self & failing the expectations. It's about dwelling in who we think we should be instead of who we really are in joy & empathy & kindness towards who we are becoming but more us than we are today.
Learning to be alone has been very helpful because it was difficult. It allowed me to find the dark places as well as how to overcome. I like the quote from Tony Robbins “find your flavor of suffering” and accept it
Not anything I'm not accustomed to since a kid as to being very introverted and not a people person, more like an animal person. People are too complex, unpredictable, dangerous and then some. I love the statistics where people who are animal lovers and have them live longer vs. those who are not. Connection between two entirely beings is spiritual just as much as it can be with our own-which seems soooo rare sadly. I believe in spiritual connection-pagan perspective. My love is universal rather than concrete.
22 minutes in & i am hooked! This video so far has made me feel like I’m not alone! I’ve had some similar struggles & it’s all making more sense now. This video is the confirmation i needed to hear for someone else other than myself. Thank you! Long time subscriber to your channel! 🙏
Can we all agree that the presence of online dating, social media have made dating a bit harder. With more things going online and people stock at home and working from home have made things a little bit hard. I know one thing for sure that it's not going to be hard for me meeting the right partner meant for me.
I'm a 5'8" female and I literally couldn't care less about how tall or short someone is. They just need to have great hygiene and be kind to me AND animals. Intellectual curiosity is good too.
I really enjoyed this edition of this podcast. I have thought very highly of Chris Williamson since discovering him three years ago. He asks excellent questions, is always curious to learn and this comes across in his podcast Modern Wisdom. His approach is always calm, he allows his guests time and space to answer questions, and it is really fantastic to see how far life has taken him in three years. All the hard work and personal sacrifices that he has made have served him well
I'm a widow and I have never felt so alone in my life. But I manage to stay busy everyday and I'm not dependent on anyone else for my happiness. Of course I'd love having a partner in life, but not a toxic bully or a narcissistic man. I'd rather be alone than put up with a toxic man.
Instead of simply tackling childlessness with the social pedestalization of motherhood which addresses none of the concerns that led many to not have children in the first place, how about talking to women about those concerns and actually addressing them. Safety, healthcare, income loss, childcare, the unequal burdens of house and children placed on one parent, the toll on her body and her relationship, etc. Make motherhood safer and incentivized rather than simply rely on social conditioning which will ultimately lead us back to the same place we began. Realize that there are legitimate reasons why women fear having kids.
This. It's not as if men didn't glorify motherhood before, handing out awards for women with multiple children, writing literature praising mothers, making movies in which childless women are evil etc. It's action that's needed, not more storytelling.
"Women fear having kids"... That just sounds crazy to hear when it's a natural thing for them. "Safety, healthcare, income loss, childcare, the unequal burdens of house and children placed on one parent, the toll on her body and her relationship, etc." 1. Safety's already been done. Japan is one of the safest countries and look at their birth rate 2. Healthcare already achieved as men have developed advanced medicines, tools, surgery knowledge, and more. 3. Income loss. Men should not have invented currency. It was a mistake. It gives the illusion of men and women being equal when they are not. Without currency, women can become pregnant and not lose income 4. Childcare as women, they have the natural means to provide for the child by giving them food and warmth. It also strengthens the child's immune system. 5. The toll on her body. Again, it's natural. That's why in exchange, men give up their bodies and have a toll on theirs to work while she is nursing 6. Toll on her relationship. I have no idea what this means. If they are bad people, the toll on their relationship is their own doing. Not the child's. 7. Unequal burden of house. It depends on the type of outside work the parents do. Manual workers and high risk of death workers do not do the same work as an office worker. Men are more as a percentage in the former while women do the latter more. If she can't do some manual labor at all and expects the man to do 50/50 in the house, that's making the man do even more work compared to her. I don't consider office jobs as real work. It's just talking and sitting on one's ass in an airconditioned / heated environment.
A super interesting conversation and one that definitely needs to be had more often! Although I do feel that one element was missed; For women that want to have children, a lot of us have no choice but to seek a man who would be able to provide for the family, when she inevitably has to take time off/give up work to have and take care of the child. The cost of child care is so high and the physical needs of a newborn mean that it’s not financially or physically viable for many women to simply continue working full time.
Thats a good point. The reduction in wages and increases in cost of living means the amount of families that can have only one source of income has decreased massively. 30 years ago an average man with an average job could support his family financially.
Dudes do not care about nor think about that, at all. They want us to wreck our bodies and health bringing forth and caring for their children AND bring a full time paycheck, even if we have to have our children raised by paid caregivers to do so. There are some exceptions, thank God, but most really don't care about their children like mothers do. It was a one time sex shot. They can leave them, and/or you on a dime, and that's if they don't decide to ditch you to die and take your child so they don't have pesky child support payments. Their bodies aren't torn or damaged or life endangered for almost a year just to birth the child, nor are they responsible after for the feeding and full time care of another human for months or years on end, in damaged, often sleep deprived, shape. They just don't get it, nor do most even care to have any compassion upon the mothers of their children regarding these things. It's just not what they do. They care about sex and money. That's it. It's good to be prepared. Don't be naive about common male attitudes regarding these things. It IS YOUR job to make sure you are healthy, get rest, and have the support system you'll need---and that is if you managed to pick a good one who won't be beating you, verbally abusing you, isolating you, imprisoning you, or fucking your friends or some other ho while you're destroying your body and all hopes of any future mate by having his baby. You will absolutely be second hand trash to other men once you have a man's baby. So pick well. And get an associates or some degree or skill that will pay for yourself and your children should the union dissolve like fading fun....
I disagree. I only took of 6 weeks when I had our daughter. And I was paid short term disability when I was out for those 6 weeks. My husband and I both had sale jobs at that time, and we rotated child care responsibilities with my mother-in-law. No day care needed. Not everyone has family to help out, but you could hire someone to watch your child for two days a week instead of paying a family member. A lot cheaper than paying full time daycare, which is At least $1300 a month for an infant.
@@Luckoftheirish1 What are they supposed to do for the remaining 3 days.. take time off? Still seems like that would be unaffordable for many young families and that’s not even taking into account a scenario where your partner doesn’t make as much as you 😬
Phenomenal podcast / interview. I've never heard anybody speak the way that Chris does it's as if he has a window into my own mind. That's freaking awesome when you hear another person speak the voice you hear inside your head.
I absolutely loved every second of this! Thank you both for bringing so much into the world. I’m inspired for the year ahead and going to work both smarter and harder on myself. Also I’ve changed my mind about dating, dating apps and kind of gained some hope regarding romantic relationships. Chris you’re so humble and beautifully inspiring. Grateful to you both 🫶🏻
This felt like I'm listening to the whole series of humanity from a book. Wonderfully written and discussed. I was curious to some truth and it lead me here. Very cerebral, My mind dive deep into thoughts, processing and introspection while folding /decluttering old clothes. Got some answers as to why life has to happen this and that way. I love that part where "regret is not a bug but a feature." That took off the weight of being human and accepting the fact that it is a feature of being alive. This helped me disassociate loneliness and regret to failure. It is just there. It exist to some episodes in our lives. "You can have anything but not everything" is a great mantra to live by when we aspire for more and yet, we can't seem to have it or get things done in our timeline. And that last part, I told my younger self this week the same. " I'm sorry that the people you love, made you feel unloved. They just don't know how and they too, were only trying to survive." and it healed that broken part in me. This episode is just superb! Excited for Part 2.
Excellent interview. When making a difficult decision, considering how much you would regret not making each choice is a surprisingly powerful technique. The occasion it reveals "the answer" to a tricky decision will be a game changer: you have made decision and "know" you won't regret it!
I think as someone who just reached my 30s, i recently got out of my relationship due to my own personal demons and we decided to take our way apart. I think the way to increase the pool of male into that financial viability status is to expose or create awareness to how beneficial can be to pursue that journey. Also there has to be an increase of teaching kids how to communicate or increase their interpersonal communication skills and expose to the kids that predatory behavior should NEVER be an answer. And I truly think a lot of it can be solved with therapy and make men have higher levels of empathy and less entitlement. This way I believe there will be less woman fearful of men in general and the men who still pursue predatory behavior will be quickly held accountable and I think the idea of what is flirting to predatory behaviour will eventually be better discerned in the future.
When I hear someone say they had loneliness or were bullied it saddens me. Kids get one childhood, seems many don’t get to have it after all. Chris has really moved past it all and kudos to him for not being a victim but a survivor and helper
My big take away on finding a new guy, is no smoking, compatible lifestyle, and likes some of same stuff I like. He doesn't have to be rich, he does have to be self sufficient, and has time for me, and kind to me. I've been in mourning for awhile. I'm increasing my friends and friendships with good boundaries.
I didn't intend to actually watch this it just came on but wow this was genuinely so good and interesting. The loneliness thing hit hard because while I am not a man, I was married, someone I was with from age 22-32, and he died . Our son was only 3 when it happened, I wanted a family and more kids and now I have just found myself in this fucking weird world where the last time I dated anyone , I did not have a child , I lived with my parents, and the world was a very different place. Now I am 35, feeling that burn for the family that never really materialized for me, and in totally uncharted territory, and not to mention I have to bear the dreaded title of 'single mom' . I'm starting to slowly accept the fact that my family is never gonna be what I thought it would be. I guess i at least got to have 1 child so it could be worse but .... Life as a single mom is so hard in so many ways, and my child constantly asks for a sibling. Online dating is awful, no one wants a single mom, and it's not like I have time to date anyway. Just working to barely survive , juggling childcare/school, and doing all the housework with no break or help takes all of my time and energy anyway.
I’m sorry you lost your husband and your son lost his dad. This is a reminder: You are not a single mom- most associate that with divorce-ie, baggage. You are a widowed mom- that doesn’t trigger the same thought thread- it happened TO you not BECAUSE of you. Good luck out there. You picked a good one before- you can do it again.
Find a support group asap! Female friends that understand your life experience that you can depend on are priceless. You may also stumble onto a man who understands the trauma you went through. Either way healthy, again HEALTHY support groups have been life changing for me and m family. 12 step groups saved my marriage, my husbands life, and my sanity. It unstuck the grief and fear that I have been just living with all my life. I tried the therapist religion self help books and ALL the woo woo stuff, these groups actually moved the needle. I didn’t want to go, I still don’t but it’s like the gym, I go because I always feel better after, it’s not magic it’s PRACTICE but also it’s neurologically changing our parasympathetic nervous system around our trauma while others hold space without advice (if they give advice during meeting or those who give more than their experience run those are the untreated codependents lol) I always feel more connected to something bigger than just the blah world I used to dwell in. Bonus, when I do my trauma work, my kids don’t have to carry the burden I failed to heal. And make no mistake, they do when parents just “power through” without taking that time to really root out the abandonment traumas we all experience to some extent. I’m so sorry that you had to go through something so hard. But there are others like you waiting for you to be brave enough to find your tribe but more importantly to recover yourself, your silliness, your freedom. ACA (adult children of alcoholic or dysfunctional families) is a great 12 step group for internal family system work. If you were a child once, you qualify. Good luck.
I am so sorry for your loss and the hardship you're facing now. It really isn't fair and there is no easy solution. I don't have one either. I just wanted to send a hug from a friendly Internet stranger girl. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you'll find a great love again.
I really like the idea of celebrating mothers more. Parenthood is a huge job and so is giving birth, nurturing and taking care of the home. I fear motherhood because I fear having to do it alone, I fear being stipped of my sexuality and being trapped as an in house servant for everyone else, not allowed to have my my own life.
That’s what a wife and mother is…stripped of identity to serve everyone around them. Dare a mother take time to invest in one of her own interests she is labeled selfish. 🤨
@@bluetickbeagles116 I honestly think we need to celebrate father's day more, without googling it I don't even know what day it is. Now that I'm an adult, I look back at my own dad. He had 7 kids with the same one, worked one job, and my mom was a stay at home mom. So on a single income he was providing for 9 people. My mom said he wasn't doing enough and they separated and she got custody of all the kids, then complained he wasn't paying enough for child support and she wouldn't even let him see us. Imagine working full time to support 9 people and all you get in return is divorce papers and your partner band you from seeing your own kids. Then women get mad and say men won't care for their family. 😢
@@AshU-ug2fy I'm sorry you went through that, and completely agree. Fathers who are there for their children need to be recognised, but also the court system needs to be fairer to dads.
@@AshU-ug2fy watch the generalisations in life, don’t let them trick you into believing they are always true, not everyone is the same. Dare to go for what the things you want despite the evidence to the contrary otherwise you will prove your fears right.
Good discussion! I'm female and asked a guy out when I was approx 17 and got rejected. I made the first move at 20 to ask if my husband was interested in me (because he kept spending lots of time around me and he said yes. We lived in the same dorm house at uni so nothing creepy.) I would be interested to see more stats and research on women making the first move. I always tried to be nice to guys who ask me out. Even if, to let them down gently.
Seems to be more typical of women to give some kind of sign, or choosing signals when they see a guy who they find attractive but they might not know them. In those situations, if a guy is oblivious, whether because he's not used to female attention or he doesn't find her attractive, he won't pick up on the signal. So kudos to you for taking the initiative.
Amazing to hear this conversation, the kind of convrsation i love to have and so many people dont have the abilty to be this radically open and authentic. id love to be a dinner party with you two!!!!! this is my level of depth. MORE PLEASE xxxx lol
I think we’re finally realizing that in order to build a healthy relationship with another person we need to build one with ourselves first. And that before bringing a new life into the world we need to be emotionally mature (not only physically). That’s one reason why things are changing, and why many women and men prefer to take the time to know themselves deeply first, before they share their life with someone else or create a family. Women’s financial independence is another reason why finding a partner and building a family isn’t a priority for many women and men anymore. My grandmother married my grandfather and raised 3 kids because that was her only chance to live independently and have financial security. The women who chose other paths in life were harshly criticized and rejected by their community. I’ve never heard any of my female friends or clients with children complain about being bullied for wanting to be mums, or for choosing motherhood over a career, for example.
I am only one generation away from the Catholic Church that would not ‘allow’ my grandmother to use birth control after 8 children. She consequently had 5 more. This affected my mothers outlook, and thus my own. We all have many facets of history, cultural and otherwise that have brought us full circle back to this point/this discussion- and hopefully the wiser. No finger pointing. Btw, I am tall so don’t like the analogy 😕meh
I'm childfree but married to an in my opinion beautiful guy with a lot of common sense. I can't count how many times I've been asked about having children but only a few times what my passions are. It's fascinating how norms shapes us.
@@charisma-hornum-fries Because you are looking at in terms of your life alone. It is in our nature to encourage people to have children because it means a new generation, more people, legacy. Your passions are important to you and will most likely mainly benefit you.
@@thrilla72and who does legacy benefit? It’s a completely egotistical concept. “I want to be remembered. I want my family name to live on”, when in reality, no one is going to remember you in 3 or 4 generations anyway. You can live life for yourself and still be a good parent, or live life for yourself and not have kids. Really isn’t going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things. There’s enough of us fking up the planet as is it lol
words...... i dont have a massive vocabularly..... but am very good at touching the exact FREQUENCY of the word!! CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION.....is life changing!!!!
I think that the loneliness epidemic is really a longing for ourselves Yes we are definitely disconnected from others but the inability to be quiet with oneself is really what leads to this feeling of disconnection
Thanks, Steven, Chris & team. I have been enjoying and learning from these episodes lately. I hope we can improve our social connectedness and fulfillment in our new ultra “connected” era
Really interesting, thought provoking, brave conversation about dating. I have 2 young adults who this could apply to. I have worked in a very sociable arena and grew up in a community which did a lot of sociable activities, and this is what is missing from the current world, we need to mix more and be more forgiving and open and curious, never be afraid of looking foolish, don't take life too seriously and learn to laugh at yourself, go for things, the more you try the more you get better.
Believe it or not I’m always getting attention or asked out “ in person” from much younger guys 15-20 yrs. I think they kno my generation 80s women can communicate & want guys to be funny, charming & can banter back ❤
younger women want this as well we are just less likely to tolerate a man touching us without consent unlike in your generation men got away with horrible things.
i love wahat he said about learning about something isnt the same as doing it. you have to do something and do it consistently. that keeping promises is so real! ive seen it in myself but in others too that we dont keep promises to ourselves. but then ive shifted cause ive started doing the thing that ive been afraid of but also things that bring me forward and not just the things that are easy to be seen and that feel good.
Brilliant. A couple of things I think the conversation missed that is key: - the decline of trade jobs and the acceptance of mild bullying on those jobs. As someone who had a trade and then went to uni and is now a professional, I know how much working in as a tradesman and getting a traditional friendly bullying helped me interact with people and especially women. - Chris touched on church but not anywhere near enough. - sports teams, the decline of the sports team has not helped men with interactions and friendship.
Your first point about trade jobs and the acceptance of mild bullying is also something Jordan Petersen has also mentioned, referencing his own experience. I think you're right to broaden the perspective. There's been a decline in many communal activities. Men made friendships in these types of sporting environments. I think I missed when Chris mentioned Church, but that often has a stabilising effect in men. However in the West at least, men are outnumbered in Church.
@@toomuchinformation he just mentioned a study about community activities where people feel the best. The top was church. He did not go into any more detail.
Thank you Steven and Chris for sharing this Great Interview and Converstaion with us! It has been revealing, illuninating and educating and so enriching!! I totally enjoyed this episode, as I have done, equally, All Contributions of The DIARY!!! THANK YOU BOTH, ONCE AGAIN!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
Is there any value in trying to live at a moderate level rather than constantly at the apex? I was struck by the idea of having to give up something to maximise your goals. What if my goals aren't particularly lofty? For example, I am a teacher, I play the cello and like learning Mandarin. I also like playing video games. I have no desire to be the best teacher in the world, nor the best cellist or linguist. I'd like to be improving in those things (which I am), but reaching the top of the pile doesn't feel motivating. Am I misaligned?
You are not misaligned at all. And I assume the podcasts to some level offer general advice. In your case, you sound quite accomplished and satisfied with your life, so it sounds like a win to me.
I’ve listened to all of the episodes and I saved this one and already listened to it three times! The best interview! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! ❤
At 70 the only reason I am alive is my wife of 45 years. Married while we both were in post college graduate training, first kid came along 5 years later. You have to 100 percent have each others back, share responsibility and chores.
I asked a man why online dating doesn’t work for monogamy and he said it makes men feel fomo having access to so many women. Basically when they’re talking to one woman they feel fomo for what else “might” be out there. Sad.
@@arthurvp1682 Women are opting out though. The statistics show that 70-80% of Tinder users are men. Men complain about an app that women don't want to use.
@@cantbendknee There are lots of elements together that drive a wedge between men and women. There also seems to be more same sex relationships than ever before too, i don't think its a coincidence
@@arthurvp1682 There are more same sex relationships than ever before because of acceptance and visibility people aren't ashamed anymore and there are more places where same sex couples can meet and form relationships.
All these years after the sexual revolution there's still so little knowledge about human sexuality. I mean there's a lot of exploitation of human sexuality for business, there's a lot of selling going on, but not genuine research and understanding. There are people who preach masturbation, and people who condemn it. And how about the middle way - where you use masturbation as a simple and convenient tool to relieve tension, but you don't go into porn or kinks or anything like that. You can masturbate so you don't go around horny and desperate all the time, so when you meet another human being you can treat them like a person rather than a tool to fulfill your sexual needs. Then your sexual activities together can be about being together and not using each other. Ditch porn, have real hobbies, that help you grow as a person, masturbate when you feel you need to, but don't make it the main focus of your life, pursue other things, seek deep relationships with people.
The talk about regret somewhat breaks down in the limits of vocabulary. "I went to the gym instead of the theme park" can obviously lead to satisfaction that the right choice was made. But, on that reflection, "regret" is a poor word to describe the choice to say no to the park. That would better be described as lament. "I lament that I couldn't have experienced theme park fun because I was doing the right thing for my health and happiness." That's not regret; that is acknowledging the cost of the choice one does not regret making.
You can run but you cannot hide from anxiety. It is an emotion that everyone has to learn to live with and cope with. Setting regular routines are lists of to do things. Ticking things off of it first thing so it does bother you all day is a good suggestion because when you initiate an action it gets you out of your head. The analysis paralysis can cause the anxiety to be enabled and stay longer than it needs to.
Steven, your ability to keep asking the questions and redirecting Chris to present a full story representing both sides is to be commended. Regarding dating, women are concerned with going on a date and being murdered. Men are concerned with who's going to pay the check. Until this underlying issue is addressed the points made by Chris are mute IMHO.
Agreed. I used to have mostly male friends. One night, I went out with them to some bar or club. They were talking about the women there, how they're paying for drinks and not getting numbers, meanwhile I'd been followed and physically harassed by some big dude and had to have security guards intervene. That night is when I registered the difference between us. When I seen men whining about who pays, my sympathy goes out the door.
Never forget, mens weakness is the facade of their strength. Just because a bunch of men pretend like "who pays" is the biggest problem they're facing, doesn't mean that's all there is. Might be hard to have empathy for grown boys acting strong, but this is where the paradox starts. Sorry you feel unsafe sometimes. I truly am.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ I absolutely agree with what he said about never being okay with the knowledge that I have. I also love learning and want to know so much more and I have an incredible drive for learning that keeps me going and motivated in life. The problem is that we are never paid to learn. We have to make money to pay school tuition , rent, car loans etc and then 10 years pass and we’re stuck children spouse bills bills bills and never get good at one thing because of having so many things of interest
I’d love you to interview Clementine Ford. This was a tough listen, I can see where he’s coming from with some stuff he said but a lot of it was so wide of the mark and I’d love to see you interview some one that is saying a lot of the same thing but from a women’s point of view.
I relate so much to Chris. I don't have his success, but 100% relate to what he went through growing up and how he thought about things, difficulties getting friends and just trying to work everything out and how best to be accepted by people. I also have massive curiosity about so many things and love to learn about them. Thankfully Chris covers alot of them on his channel so I watch most if not all of his podcasts. I have some really good close friends now as an adult at 38 and are all genuinely good people. Sometimes it just takes a longer time to find them. I would 100% love to have Chris as a friend. Really great guy 👍
You're missing something very very important. In fact, something that affects us on a much bigger scale. As a society, we've shifted away from the tradition of marrying young, a decision that has profound implications on personal and collective levels. My own experience, marrying at 21 and enjoying 21 years of happiness with my wife, underscores the benefits of starting our life journey together early. Marrying young offers couples the unique opportunity to shape their futures collaboratively, something that becomes significantly more challenging as individuals establish their lives independently. The allure of career success has often been portrayed as a path to fulfillment, leading many to postpone marriage. However, this focus on career advancement is not just a personal choice but also a reflection of capitalist priorities, which favor individual work contributions over the building of family units. This dynamic encourages longer work hours and prioritizes professional over personal growth, complicating the integration of lives and values for couples who marry later, making it difficult for them to build their lives together with the same ease and unity.
I'm only 19 minutes in but I think Chris is eloquently describing destabilizing his narcissism (building a façade on top of insecurity) and working to build honest self-worth based on authenticity and vulnerability and competence. I wish more people would be this insightful and hardworking. Beautiful.
It just stuck me that you can know someone for decades, and yet never really know them. If you gave it some real thought you could probably do without them. A dark thought.
My 27 year old son says he has no hope of a family, no interest in a relationship...has never had a girlfriend. I am a single 52 year old woman, homeowner, two MA degrees, and yeah, everything you say is true. I don't know how we fix it though.
same 27 and will never marry. I just have nothing in common with women and will no longer involve myself with "dating" which is just a modern form of prostitution.
