Coming Out as a Gay Dad - Raising Kids as an LGBTQ+ Parent! | S2 E10 

I love how Joel says he's not a step-parent (not legally, ok, fair enough) or a "parental figure", but then lists all the things he does and the role he plays in their lives, including listening to and looking after them. All those things put you firmly in the category of a parent, step-parent, or parental figure :)

I am 63, married a my highschool sweetheart when we were both 18. We had 3 kids by the time we were 24. All the time knowing I was gay but believing I could and would be "cured". I stayed in the closet until 5 yrs ago. Coming out to my wife and kids was the hardest thing I have ever done. But to my surprise and relief they all were very supportive and accepting. And although my ex wife and I are no longer together we are still very close and get together with our kids and grandchildren for all the holidays and special occasions. I don't regret my life, but had circumstances been different back in the 70's, I would have much preferred to have been able to live my true self as an openly gay man.

As a dad who recently came out as gay, I loved this episode. Going through divorce/separation is difficult, but hearing from gay dads who experienced it and made it out better than before gives me hope. Thank you for that!

I’m a straight 40 year old woman with a 3 year old. Anyone with any type of sexual preference can take away great parenting views and advise from this if we want to raise well rounded decent humans. Thank you, I love you guys! Keep doing what you are doing.

I'm not a gay dad yet, but if I get to be I would be the happiest person on earth. Its important to note that I am proud of both Keegan and Joel for keeping the kids happy and joyful in their relationship with them.

It was really, really nice of Keagan to have the bravery to talk about his personal experience with a situation that is still considered rather taboo even within the gay community. Huge respect for being a voice for the many men who have been, or still are navigating the same difficult path as you.

Great episode. I am the proud father of 13 year old twins. I came out 2 years ago, and live with my amazing partner. Keegan was so right when he said the kids want you to live your best life, and they are resilient. Rough coupe years with the ex, whom I was with for 20 years, but we are coming out on the other end now and realize the kids are what is most important. My partner is great with both of them, and I'm looking forward to years to come. :)

I loved this episode because I think it was really relatable to so many people. Keegan, I loved hearing more about your journey and specifically about how your relationship with the kids changed and is so much better now than it was. It made me tear up hearing you talk about how proud and supportive they both are of you, but specifically the story about your daughter at her school and saying how proud she is of you. Great episode guys!!! 💖👏🙌🌈❤️

Joel, you are fortunate to have been ingrained into Keegan's family. I have known that the new guy in the family has been plotted against by the kids., It is tough to be hated when starting a new relationship.

This was a very thoughtful, serious discussion. Thanks, guys.

I’ve been watching you guys on your other channel just recently. I randomly ran across one of your videos and began watching here and there. This was the first video and first time finding this channel and I have to say the subject struck close to home. I read some of the comments, some of which questioned how Keegan could be gay but have been intimate for so long with a woman. Everyone’s story is different but I seem commonalities here and there. I myself married at 19. I was raised in an ultra conservative home and although I had hints at a young age I thought I may be different, I didn’t think I had a choice because I knew the expectations were to follow the traditional path of marriage, kids, and the house with the white picket fence. My marriage was a struggle from the beginning. Almost divorced a few years in but we worked through things I think mostly out of fear of going our own ways. It would have been the right thing to do in hindsight. A few more years and the thought was having a child will change things. It didn’t. At this point commitments from a family business was all that was keeping us together. More as business partners sleeping in different rooms the last five years of marriage until I finally could not go on living being miserable. We separated, and had a nasty divorce when I was 34. I stayed close to my son until my ex-wife wanted to move near her family a few hours away. I didn’t dispute that move because part of me felt guilt for derailing life as we knew it. The move brought separation from my son and soon I was a Christmas and birthday dad. I made a point all that time to never speak I’ll of his mother but unfortunately she took the low road. We grew apart. Months became years and today we do not even communicate. I went on with my life learning gay life’s lessons the hard way, and finally settled down after a few years into a long term relationship. Being who I truly was cost me family relationships all around mostly because of my family’s religious beliefs. I dated younger which was looked on poorly as well. I worked through coming out at work during a time and a profession that didn’t accept it. I moved away to begin a new life with my (at the time) new someone but found myself right back in the closet with the exception of a few friends. So at the end of the day I still don’t have it figured out as far as being the life I expected. I don’t need to be out and fly a. Rainbow flag, but at the same time I don’t think life should be back in the closet. Saying it’s complicated is quite the understatement.

I truly believe that staying together for the sake of the kids is the worst thing that you can do. The coldness, stress, and often, acrimony, color every moment of their lives.

Yeah, you guys just make me smile ….. and sometimes bust out in laughter, sometimes shed a tear even, because you’re both so authentic … and I love that . ❤

Older children would not only be angry that you didn't live your true self but the fact that they feel you lied to them and their other parent all their lives....

This is my 3rd or 4th time watching them and the best episode, so far. Brother Neil thinks this is a subject that needs more conversation as we emerge from the homophobic closet daze. Hopefully the need to conform with social norms won't create such mistaken relationships, anymore. Of course, if that happens, then visibility will again be low and progress might get forgotten. "And the wheel goes 'round."

Love this podcast! Especially as a dad who came out at 32 with a 4 and 2 year old. You mentioned merch at one point. Where can I find that?

I stayed in a loveless marriage for many years cause i thought it was best for my kids. Then i found out 3 years ago my husband had been unfaithful thruout that marriage ... and my kids (now adults) question me why i did it. I should have walked away a long long time ago.

Great topic, always more to discuss on each one. Hopefully folks will comment thoughts and all the threads you covered. The divorce question is always such a mixed bag since every situation is so different. I can imagine scenarios where folks stay at least a bit longer, for reasons that are truly better for the kids (financial, cultural, safety, etc) or I've even seen, it's just easier to wait a couple years til they are 18, and then split. But I totally get what you guys said. I've heard so so many times, that the kids were frustrated and even struggling for decades with the guilt inflicted on them cuz their parents were sacrificing their own happiness AND being a terrible model of healthy adult and healthy relationship all because "I stayed for your sake". Don't do that. But do put your life first in how to go about the split and how you parent and how to co parent with your ex. Please!?! As a child of a terrible divorce and remarriage, please do your best to prioritize the impact on your kids when you're making all your decisions.

I guess I'm a gay step dad 🤷‍♂️ but I am also in an age gap relationship so his oldest kid is closer to my age... Thankfully still younger... But by 4 years. The youngest is 11 and while we are also not married he is the only one I sort of "parent" like you guys mentioned. Like Joel said, I like how responsible my man is and he cares so much for these kids that I can't help but do the same. I enjoy making them happy but also it makes him happy.

Brill episode really so pleased you could talk openly.

The thumbnails on this channel are so cute

Great episode! Gay or straight, you have to be your authentic self for both the marriage/partnership and for your kids. Otherwise, you are living a lie and it will show in how you interact with your partner and your kids. Another thought, kids don't come with an instruction manual. Parents do their best. They make mistakes. It took me a long time to realize this and to accept how my father interacted with me.

I will never stop mentioning how Joel reminds me of Julia Roberts in ‘Stepmom’.

Excellent episode

Thanks guys, great video!

A family friend of mine, who I grew up with and was like a big brother to me, committed suicide when he was in college and his family found things that pointed to him being gay/bi. We all suspect he was gay and was too fearful to come out to his very Christian family (2 of his dad's brothers were pastors). We also live in a country that is very unaccepting of LGBTQ+ people (India).

A great episode lads

I send all my love and support to all the LGBT people of the world ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 You all are important and very valuable even though we live in a world that makes you all believe otherwise. Remember always be proud of who you are 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 You all make from this world a better place ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 LGBT people are a rainbow of love in a world full of hate, but with difference of our straight partners, we all are united over a same flag 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 The flag of LGBT love ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 And we all must be united against hate, violence, discrimination and intolerance ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 We all are like a great family and we must fight to destroy hate ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 Remember, LGBT people is love and love always wins ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 I don't care about your race, nationality, biological gender, health condition, religion or any other condition ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 If you are an LGBT person you have all my love and my support ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 You guys are not alone in this fight and all the LGBT people of all over the world needs to understand this messagge, cause just united we will win against hate and we don't have to allow that nothing divide us. Never feel bad of who you are and never allow that this cruel world change who you really are or turn off your light and your shine ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 You all born that way and remember LGBT people of all the world, at the end, love always wins ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

We did what society expected. We married and had children. Then, we found ourselves living a lie that was killing us emotionally.

I know a friend of mine is gay, or at least BI who has a child. Do I say I know, or do I just leave it? I want to help him and do what’s best, I want him to know I don’t care and that I’ll always be there for him, but I don’t want to freak him out. Any advice I’d really appreciate from anyone who may have some experience in this situation. I don’t want to get it wrong or ruin our friendship. For perspective we are both in our 30s. Thanks.

This is quite interesting.

Interesting topic ...couldn't imagine Keegan being married to a woman. Nice that you're still friends with your ex.

You have not met them (the kids)?

Few! I was so afraid to listen to this. I’m a straight female . I have these sexual fantasies & I think I’m crazy for having them. I’ve kept them in the closet for . . . 36 years now.

Unsubscribed from your channel I’m afraid, not that I don’t like your videos, I’m just getting tired of my feed being choked up with snippets of the video I’ve already watched, no other channels I’m subscribed to do this !?.

I think Keegan should have brought up and explained how he was able to be intimate with his wife for so many years.... and why after that experience he still identifies himself as gay, not bisexual. P.S. And no, I don't buy a "societal pressure" as a good enough reason!

Great episode guys!! This episode was very relatable for me, because I am a gay dad, who was in a "heterosexual marriage " for 44 years, until I was outed as gay by a niece on my wife's side of the family, who saw me coming out of the gay bar. I stayed in the marriage all those years because I was raised in a conservative Christian family, so I attempted to do what was expected of me, get married and raise a family. I did think about coming out quite a few times, but thought I couldn't do that to my kids. Never seemed to be a right time to come out. Now that everyone knows, my 2 adult sons don't accept me, and don't want to associate with me, as well as most family members on my side and my wife's side. My wife passed away almost 2 years ago. Needless to say, she was very hurt by it all, which is was a huge headache for me. Currently I'm trying to find a new life on my own basically. I am involved in an open and affirming church, with a gay pastor, so that is where I get my emotional support, which I am thankful for. The church has literally become my family. My one brother-in- law, the husband of my wife's sister, still stays in touch with me, which means alot to me because, he is very conservative Christian ( Reformed Presbyterian) ,and does not endorse homosexuality.I appreciate that he has been able to be preachy with me, but more of a friendly support. With my situation, Keegan, when you said how Taylor had your back at school with support, it moved me to tears, I only wish I had that experience with my sons!!

Love this i am from new zealand 38 years old and gay. Have really enjoyed all your social media. Have been on a major weight loss journey this year and have lost 47kg. Your videos have really helped me keep focused. Thank you ❤

Such a wonderful honest show Kegan it’s fantastic ! I had a almost identical journey married father of two by 24 cane out . I had joint custody & was lucky enough to co parent . My daughters are now grown up & i have four wonderful grandkids and an amazing relationship with my ex 🙌🏻🩷 There is something very unique about about being a biological father & gay ❤

I'm Gay and I would love to have Gay parents ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Joel was brilliant too as the partner of someone who has children it’s a challenge but worthwhile beyond measure ❤

Excellent podcast and I commend both of you on how well you handled this topic. 👏👏 I only wish I could have showed my first "love/boyfriend" this video who was a dad as well at the time. Then maybe things might have been different. I had to laugh about the comment on Keegan's therapists. If you ever watched the movie, "Mambo Italiano", you'll know what I mean. (A funny gay comedy/drama) Thank you guys!

I can't thank you enough for this wonderful video. I was married to my grade school sweetheart for 13 years and fathered three wonderful children. They are the joys of my life as well as the five grandchildren that are now the wonders of my being. I truly struggle with what my life was because there's a part of me that truly regrets my own lost youth, but then there's a part of me, the REAL part of me that realizes if I had been honest with myself in my youth, I'd probably be dead as I would have come out in the 70's, and thus, probably failed to manuever the AIDS pandemic. In other words, I'd probably be dead. So, the greatest catastrophe to face the gay community in the 20th Century, probably saved my life. I'm in turmoil, and probably will be for the rest of my days, but I will NEVER regret being a father, and NEVER, NEVER regret being a grandfather.

Brave podcast, well done.

Very interesting conversation

I waited until I was 57 to come out and divorce my wife. Pressure got me into marriage and the pressure of dying without living my true self got me out of the marriage. I am so glad I did. My ex and I are good friends. My daughter and I are great. She said 'FIrst and foremost you are my dad'. My son, unfortunately. did not take it so well. We are estranged, now 17 years. I do not know his 3 daughters. They know I exist but that is it. But, in my mind, that is his cross to bear, not mine. If you find yourself married to an opposite sex partner, you have the strength to move on with or without your partner. It is (in my humble opinion) your decision, but you owe it to your partner to let them know. You owe it to yourself also. It was the most positive thing I did for my mental health. Know that you are not alone. You are not the only one and there is life (wonderful life) on the other side.

I'm 44 now living fully out to those who need to know. I'm not running around with my gay flag like a cape. I am a happily masculine man who is very private person. I also am a Fulltime single parent of now a 21 year old young man. I came out to him when he was age appropriated when he was ready. I felt it important for me and how I work as a person to place my full focus on being a father to him and less of a man looking for a mate. well till he turned 18 then I told him, he is now in charge of making decision in his own life with me over looking not directing him. I started to learn how to adult as I only spent the last 18 years being a parent. lets be honest no early 20s is a adult really. I and the last time I date was a woman so I was a little overwhelm showing up to prides and gay bars but I would find familiar faces from my past that was more then welcoming to the community. I'm still never dated a man really and hope I will be more open to it in the near future but still a little over whelmed. My son turned out to be a super good young man who makes me proud ...well most days. this path was important to me because I had a violent, horrible up bringing filled with advertises caused by the hands of a man not deserving of children. I wanted to make sure my son would never fear me as I feared my father. And intern I learn what a good father was and enjoyed all the milestone with him i did not share with my father.

Keegan is not a Zaddy, he’s a Gaddy.

Thanks Keegan and Joel such a powerful episode that really chimes with me! Love how supportive and invested Joel is as a partner. It’s difficult enough being a step parent in any relationship but in these circumstances provide additional challenges. When I came out many gay men ran once they knew I had kids. Luckily I have a partner who is invested with my kids and grandkids. Keep going boys your work is so important! X

What a fantastic topic. I personally would never have entered into a serious hetero relationship/marriage before coming out at 35. I certainly understand it and I don’t judge but I do think those of us who have misled women should sincerely apologise to them for leading them on and then destroying their worlds.

I thought that was an interesting topic. Thanks for sharing.

Love this one. There is no roadmap and we all do the best we can as parents & step parents.

Such an insightful and authentic episode!

love this❤❤

Great subject 👍

Love you both!

Thank you so much, I hope you know how much you advice helps people. Such beautiful people

☺

Enjoyed the discussion. Seems to me staying in a dysfunctional relationship "for the kids" is not doing anyone a favor. Being your genuine self is a better example and opens up a parent/child relationship to honest communication. It's good to see you both being a good example to the kids and for others in the community to appreciate and learn from.

I feel sorry for those children, having Joel for a stepmother!