Coming out of your closet | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder 

I used this video in order to break the ice with my dad about my bisexuality. He found out by accident, as did my religious family, and we had a huge blow up. He told me I was dishonouring and selfish for not thinking about how it makes my family feel, and how I don't know anything because I'm so young. I was hurt, I thought he had made so much progress and openly had such a different perspective about the world and about LGBT communities, especially considering how liberal my sisters and I are, and now I felt betrayed. I think sometimes it's typical that parents are "whatever" about it until they find out that one of their own kids is not heterosexual, or is transgender, and I was so upset that I was one of those kids with those parents. I was mad that I had gone years of being out and never facing bullying or exclusion from my peers, coworkers, siblings -- and now it was finally coming back to bite me. After some time, I went to him, dropped my laptop on his lap with this video and I said "don't talk to me until you've watched this". I had my hard conversation afterwards, and now he defends me against my extended family. I revisit this Ted Talk so often, it's my pick-me-up just when I need it.

Too much blood has flown from the wrists of people afraid to show who they really are. This is unacceptable.

Really love what she said around 8 minutes in, about how she could go back to her table and make fun of what those people were saying, but instead, she chose to appreciate the fact that they were trying to show support.

6:01 - 'when you keep the truth about yourself a secret, you're essentially holding a grenade.' This bit hit me

That story about the little girl was amazing. Sometimes kids can be the most clear-sighted of us.

You literally just saved my life. As a gay hiv+ male, I was ready to kill myself. After watching this, I'm getting help.

Well, this was a truly inspirational talk and applies to everyone regardless of their sexuality. Hard is not relative, Hard is Hard.

She's not angry. She's brilliant. This women helps me with just this video. Thank you, Ash!

This inspired me to come out of my closet, my closet which is depression, I've finally spoke out about it, I've finally decided to stop bottling it up, and the support I've received from everyone has been amazing.

A friend shared this link with me; so thrilled she did. Cried through most of it. I'll never know what it's like coming out as a lesbian, but I came out as an atheist to my devout Southern Baptist family. I lost some family for it...we all have our closets and as hard as they are to walk out of, we must.

Such a powerful speech... Ash just helped motivate me to stick my middle fingers up at haters and just live!

What people often forget, conveniently sometimes, is that the 'human condition' is universal. Everyone has something. Something that hurts, something that helps, something that raises up, something that beats down, and the deep abiding fear that there is something wrong with them that everyone will hate them for when it comes to light. We feel as if we are in a leaking boat, adrift in a vast sea, and no one is looking for us. When in fact we are all bobbing around in the water, within arms reach of each other, and no where near alone on a planet with 8 billion people on it. Thank you Ash for sharing your insights.

Something she said ...Kudos. "The only story that matters... is the one you want to write."

Here is what I get when I tell people that I'm gay (Been out of closet since I was 16): "I know a girl from church who is gay.. she is nice" "Ellen Degeneres is so cool" "You don't *look* gay" "You're too pretty to be gay " "Oh wow. I think I might be gay too, how do you know if you are?" lol Completely awkward sometimes and random responses. I know they feel obligated to say something and think they are trying to be nice, so I let it go. One day I feel as though it will be as normal as telling people you are Catholic or vegetarian. Coming soon to a mind-set near you!

The point about not bashing on those who are trying is really poignant. Far too often, activists bash allies or supporters or simply people who do not belong to a certain group for not knowing everything immediately.

I would always watch this video when I was feeling bad about my self . Or just didn't feel like I would ever feel comfortable coming out .. Coming out isn't easy . But it's worth it. And you will feel so much better after doing it.

I’m pretty sure this comment section is an lgbtq+ support site.

If you wanna be real with somebody, expect real back. And never apologize for who you are. Loved this talk, Ash is just amazing❤

There's one part about this video that I disagree with. She implies that coming out of the closet, and I mean the gay closet, needs to be done. No, it actually doesn't. Do straight people have to come out? No. Then why should gay people have to? Just because it's not the "norm"? If someone says to you, "why didn't you tell me you were gay?!" you should tell them, "why didn't you tell me you were straight?!" (assuming they are straight). If the people you love truly loved you back, they wouldn't need to question you as to why you never told them your sexuality. It shouldn't be something that you need to tell someone. Got a girlfriend? Cool. Got a boyfriend? Cool. End of story.

This should be thought at schols.. Like, world wide, in exact this way!

I was there once, and I know exactly what she means, and it was a sad and dark place, but when I finally got my life, by that I mean I left my parents house, I just didn't care anymore, and then I was really happy, and to all the haters, I don't really care about them, because what they think or say makes 0 difference in my life, especially when they say "You are not gay, you don't "look" like one, god will save you. that's the hint that they know nothing and yet plays as they hold all the answers,before being gay/straight/white/black we are all people and people are different, and it's incredible like everyone seems know how to live your life, instead of living theirs, but as they say,it's always easy to judge when you are standing on the sidelines...

"Stupid Hypothalamus" ... 9:13 ... Hilarious! The entire talk was fantastic - thank you!

I am so terrified to come out of this dark place I'm in, all I can do is watch my life flash by through this tiny key hole and it's not even funny at all. But I tell you what, that day will come, I'll let the light in to see the colors on my walls, they probably look outstandingly beautiful...God strengthen me.

Sure I'll give you 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but heres the thing: hard is not relative, hard is hard. Who can tell me that explaining to someone you just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five year old you're getting a divorce? There is no harder there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commisserate on the fact that we all have hard.

This for me is not about homophobia. My closet was that I was mentally unwell. Depression, anxiety and OCD were my picks from the catalogue. Imagine my dismay to be blamed when someone very close to me fobbed off my "coming out" moment with a throw away line of "You'll get over it." I have never been able to get over that comment. I wish I could but it burns every time I see that person or just think about them. Ever since that time I have been passionate about sharing my story with the hope that it helps others come out of their closet.

I'm not gay, but I'm going for breakfast with a gay friend tomorrow. He is one of the kindest & caring people I know. Someday all the homophobes in our society will be ostracized for something. Karma is a bitch, isn't it?

same reasons i don't hide my cancer! never hide!

Thanks Ash! This is one of the best videos I have listened to. Eloquent, simple and understandable, but so deep, so thanks. Thanks.

Damn! Straight or gay, doesn't matter. This. Was. Amazing.

Great message!

I loved this speech. I'm a pretty boring straight middle aged midwestern mom but I think she had an awesome point, a well delivered and moving speech.

#1 Be Authentic, you want someone to be real with you, you got to be real with them too. We all bleed. #2 Be Direct, You are who you are, say it. Don't give half answers that give people false hope. #3 Be Unapologetic: Apologize for mistakes you make, but NEVER apologize for who you are. ~Ash Beckham. Love it, thank you Ash.

I am serious i only realise that the speaker is a girl after three minutes~~~ Cool lady!!

Fucking hell, where's the love button??!!

This message, I felt, is more than a discussion on homophobia. She even said it herself. It's about being afraid and scared to tell someone anything of a major importance to you, whether be that you're gay, that you have cancer, even that you're pregnant. This is an AWESOME message for everyone.

Ash Beckham, you might have just changed/saved my life, so thanks.

Brilliant! We can all say yeah well duh but putting this methodology into practice is much harder than it sounds. We must have those hard conversations and move on to truly life our lives.

great talk , I notice in the comments , empathy is a quality a lot of people still don't have a grasp of .

This is a video all should see.

If you can't say something nice, say something nasty. That way I'll know to avoid you.

This Ted talk inspired me to take a picture: www.flickr.com/photos/helenaelizondo/11154942056/

Apologize for what you've done but never apologize for who you are.

The talk is not about homophobia at all. She says clearly at the beginning.

There's another lessons here other then importance of coming out. The story regarding the little girl shows how ones perception of predicted behavior of others is warped when under stress. Luckily she had the presence of mind to not verbally assault a kid with an inquiry. If Ash did berate her she may had confirmed bigoted ideals the little girl may or may not be being bombarded with. This would have likely contributed to a prejudicial view of lesbians due to one little incident. Ash being polite and informative to the girl adds one data point refuting the notion that gay people are evil. Plus you also don't want to punish a kids genuine curiosity regardless of the topic. Kids need data to crunch to understand the world to do that they need to ask question that might be deemed inappropriate.

I'm 17 and I'm am fully out as a lesbian at school. At home and to other family members I'm not. It's hard to come out when you know they won't react well to it. But it's who I am. Thank you so much for this :) you make it seem a little less scary.

This is fantastic. I'm a bit unhappy with how often people see their own struggles as more relevant than others. Hard conversations need to be had. Between people and in culture as a whole. Empathy is possibly one of the most valuable parts of communication and it's amazing how little of it is used day to day.

THIS is truly awesome. What Ash talks about is universal- difficult conversations and being real. (It's not actually about homophobia, as the description notes (which is a limitation and a shame).) What she has to say is worth the 11 minutes.

Amazing. Truly the best TED Talk I have ever heard. Powerful in its simplicity. My only criticism would be to the uploader and the misleading description of the video. This is not a discussion on homophobia at all. I would urge you to correct this and as a result, allow more people to enjoy the universal truths of what Ms Beckham has to share.

Gee, God, thanks. This was said perfectly and poignantly. So many people waste their entire lives afraid to be themselves. So many. I welded my closet shut by force of will. I am a coward. I blame my parents but not so much as I blame myself. This speech is the speech we all need to be able to make but which all of us tragically are not actually able to make. For fear, for shame, for dread of the spectre of despair. You are brave and right - we are cowards and wrong and that's all there is about it.

The story about the little girl was the cutest ^^ If only it were that easy with everyone

I was in Boulder during this TEDX, my question is why the fuck I didn't go :(

Okay, quick thing that being unapologetic when admitting to your spouse that you've cheated on them will probably not go over particularly well but other than that, all golden!

Can't believe I met her at the NJ GSA Forum yesterday! :D She was so cool!

Thank you, amazing , insightful and courageous !

"In the dark, you can't tell what colour the walls are. You just know what it feels like, to live in a closet." Sadly so relatable.

✨8:00-8:20 was the most powerful part of her speech.✨ It was about love and acceptance.💕I'm super girly and people judge me for that, but it's just who I am💁🎀👑.

wow! and here I am willing to give my life for my wife! repenting for who I am! working to be the provider of a family so they can be raised in the Word! but who am i in face of such unapologetic evil selfish lust?

Hardest convo I have ever had was with my daughter when I found out she is bi. I was at that "table of politically correct old people trying to find the appropriate thing to say" I have never been so grateful for her understanding.

This is the most touching and inspiring video I have ever seen and it has helped me explain to my children the same questions that they ask my gay and lesbian friends. Thank you so much for this post.

This is a beautiful and powerful message. For me my closet is the broomcloset and it's hard to deal with it when all the people you love and your entire family is Christian. Whatever YOU are going through and whatever YOUR closet is, just remember that people fear what they don't know or what they don't understand. But know that you are still a beautiful, strong and worthy individual because of your uniqueness, because your scars and imperfections gives you depth and character. And those things equates a life lived fully and fearlessly. I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes by Anthony Hopkins "My philosophy is: It's none of my business what other people say of me or think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything."

I like how the message was "Women's Studies makes you a vicious, spiteful feminist rage machine and unable to have a conversation with another human being."

What an amazing woman. That was so inspiring. :)

Im coming out of the closet right here. Im straight !!! Stop thinking i am gay, because i wear purple pants. :)

you my lady are an inspiration and you speak the truth !!!

At first I was a little bored and thought this would be as in her own words a "militant lesbian" or femminist & sexist rant, but her comments we shouldn't look for harder or ranking situations people just have hard things to do sometimes and have different closets like admiting things they're unemployed/just lost a job, gone broke, divorced, split up whatever something you want to hide about youreself or your situation from friends and family, because of shame but really does you no favours in the long run. This was quite insightful and more inspiring way of thinking.

I just got brave and posted this to my Facebook.. I will be ok 💜

Why is there a pic of Mr. Rogers?He wasn't gay. And why would you photo shop a finger on him? He was a christian minister. That is so disrespectful.

This was one of the most touching videos I've watched this year. Ash speaks some very confronting home truth's, yet we've all been there at least once and it's nice to know that at the end of the day, we're all human. Thanks for sharing Ash!

I love Ted Talks. Why? Because at each it's blowing my mind.

In which world is she living in? "If you're gay, just say it"! How ignorant.

At a young Age Children are actually blurred between the line of gender, often children can't tell the difference between gender unless it's painfully obvious. So part of it is a developmental issue, and part of it is because she looks like a man

Also, her fight or flight idea is poorly thought out. The level of risk has changed, certainly, but the level of what risk is dangerous to our lives has changed too. A woolly mammoth goring me is no longer a threat, a close friend abandoning me still is, because our lives now are not measured on survival, they are measured on thriving.

The main reason there are closets is that too many people believe on faith in arbitrary rules which make no sense and in gods which are nothing more than imaginary monsters enforcing those rules with threats of torture during this life and the imagined afterlife. The more closets of the type described here are emptied, the closer we get to having rules which make sense in terms of enhancing the ability of all humans and ultimately all life to thrive for the few hundred million years during which we can with some confidence expect this tiny spec of dust (Earth) in the vast universe to remain amenable to the existence of life.

Still love this. Helps me remember that sometimes the "pancake girl" in front of me is just asking a very simple questions, not challenging me to a duel at daybreak :)

Well said!

This is one of the best videos ever. 😪

This speech was so Beautiful, I'm so happy I watched it;.;

i LOVE this. he demeanor while speaking irradiates such a peace and clarity amidst a crisis.. its just inspiring. Also.. i cant picture her in pony tail and heels hehe.

Whoa, knew the video was going to be great on the 10 first seconds

I can fully identify with what this woman is saying because I've been there and done that and I'm lucky I don't have any scars because of it. She is right we all have our own closets. A good friend one time asked me whats the difference between being in a rut, in a closet and in a grave? I didn't have an answer for him. His answer floored me "Nothing, they are all the same the only things that changes is the size." It took me a while to grasp what he had said... now it's your turn. Blessings all, be well and be safe

TEDx, mission: Convince everyone they are gay.

i cant come out of the closet. im pansexual, but my family will explode if they found out. my dad is really religious and will freak out that i like women and trans people in addition to men. my stepdad will brush it off with a "its just a phase. youll get over it." he doesnt think i know anything because im "just a teenager 'experimenting''" my mom will likely side with my stepdad. im not safe. i cant come out.

I'm so glad I watched this. I saw it when it was first uploaded and I knew I had a closet to come out of but didn't know what it was. Finally found out I have asperger's and I've been able to bust down the door to my closet. It really is no place to live for anyone.

In response to those who have opposed this video: we all too quickly forget the social sciences and humanities. This is a brilliant lesson, just as important as any relating to any other discipline. We need to pay attention; advances in science cannot function without advances in humanism. The metaphor speaks to the way in which we all relate-- as human beings who struggle to be authentic. There is a growing interest in the science of emotions and empathy. Social relationships and the individual experiences of internalized stigmas ARE scientific matters that are being studied across various academic disciplines. There is no intellectual thought without what we call "emotion;" to suggest that there is indicates a gross misunderstanding of psycho-physiology. Let's have some of the "hard scientists" get on board and work with humanists and social scientists, like Ash Beckham, to further educate the public about the relationship between neuroscience and society. Collaborative, interdisciplinary TED, please! And BRAVO, AB, for breaking this down in a way that many people will be able to understand. Good, honest, work.

Thanks so much for this :)

I don't get it. Why is a question "are you a boy or a girl?" hard to answer? A kid asks you that question, you look down your pants (just to be sure) and answer, that's it. I don't think the kid implied "who are you sleeping with?" when she asked the question. It's just a phase every 2-4 years old child goes through. They have just realized that there actually are genders and they are fascinated by spotting the difference between the two. When they can't tell the gender, they ask (if they are not too shy).

You don't have to be a lesbian to get that question. Trust me.

Her mentioning cancer really resonated with me as I lost friends when I had cancer. This is so common as to be expected, according to the blogosphere! I started to be a bit more careful of talking about it, my personality means that I was never in the closet about it, but I can see that some people would be.

This speech was one of the most insightful and unexpected things I've ever heard. It was so full of wisdom. It really hit home with what I have been going through over my religious beliefs and I never thought of it as "a closet" but it certainly is. After "dying" in a car wreck and having an experience that went against what I was taught to believe, I kept my new beliefs inside so I could be accepted by people. It was like living in my own personal hell, and I'm sure that is what is felt by anyone living in their own closet. After many years and just a few months ago, I finally decided to face the music and started talking more openly around those I love but that I knew would probably never accept me. And I'm learning to be ok with that. Ash Beckham really helped me see things from a new perspective. Hard isn't relative. Hard is just hard. We all have more in common than we probably think as we work to have more happiness and peace of mind in our lives. I have great respect and appreciation for Ash, her wisdom and insight that helped her keep the clip on the grenade and deflate those situations that could have gone very differently!

What a great video. I hope that more people can open their heart and hear your message. Peace.

I thought she was well versed in her ideas and presented them well.

I honestly love this video so much, and I really think that the issues covered in it are so eloquently covered. It has inspired me to create a speech for English on a similar topic, so thank you for this

Fantastic speech here and so very true. Hard is not relative. Hard is hard.

Rainbows are amazing! Thank you for making this. This can really help people who are struggling with themselves!

So uh... good point.

I liked her talk and message, about how there are many types of closets to come out of. ...but I wonder, why did she compare "pink dress" (little girl was wearing) with "comfortable pajamas"? I don't see how pink dress and comfortable pajamas are interchangeable.

We should be taking this approach with all societal disparative issues

I have been asked the same question many times over the years and i always answered Yes and left it at that.

powerful

I have lived in the dark for 45 years. I am so worn out and feel like my body is breaking down. Now married with two kids and a beautiful life, but no sex. Thankfully I talk to a few of my friends about this and share my hardships with my therapist. I feel trapped. I can't expose my kids to divorce. It would tear me apart. Some days I wish I was dead..... It would be so much easier. My closet is the darkest place on earth. I hate it. My advice: Don't wait. Just go for it. Don't be afraid.