Hey everyone - sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything online. I always like to keep my videos positive but recently I haven't been in the right frame of mind to do that. This video alone took multiple attempts to film. The result ended up being a relatively positive video which makes it seem like things are looking up, but really I'm in a mess. I mentioned in the video that the reasons for this were "complicated" and that I'd explain them at a later date, but delaying that discussion doesn't feel right.
So here's some carefully chosen words to try and explain what's actually happened this term...
Last term, both RU-vid and the solar car project took up an enormous amount of my time. In an effort to try and increase the amount of time I had to work on my degree, I decided to take a break from social media and the solar car project, thinking that would give me more time to work on my final year dissertation and other coursework etc. However, all this did was remove the two things I had which were actually going well for me and that I actually enjoyed, which made me pretty depressed. I lost the motivation to go into uni every day because I don't find lectures useful and I didn't have the solar car build to look forward to.
So I stayed in my student house. I didn't talk to anyone apart from my housemates. Not my family, not friends, not even to people on the solar car team. I didn't even want to respond to messages because I had no idea how to explain myself. Meanwhile I wasn't making any progress on my final year and that just added to the anxiety. Call it what you like but it definitely felt like I was in some kind of coma where I wasn't able to focus on anything despite having so much extra time on my hands (I mentioned the focus thing in the video). I found it very hard to rest and sleep - often I wouldn't be able to fall asleep until 3am or later, which meant I'd wake up feeling terrible about myself at midday the next day. We've all had those days where we wake up late and waste the best part of the day but that was happening EVERY DAY, which was really unhealthy and this vicious circle kept on going.
At around a third of the way through the term, I actually spoke to someone from college to try and find a workable solution. This was definitely helpful. I then had a meeting with my project supervisor and Durham University counselling but I've not spoken to my supervisor more than a couple of times since then - I've just slipped back into the state I was in before.
In the video I mention "three weeks to save my degree" but I guess that really means "three weeks to save my final year project," which is realistically not going to be possible especially given how this term's been going so far. I need to submit a draft report by the end of term but I have nothing to report on as of right now. I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen to be honest.
Why did I make this video?
There's definitely a lot on my mind right now and I tend to worry a lot. One of those worries was how the heck I'm going to make a video about what I'm currently going through, so I guess I'm hoping this video will alleviate some of those worries (even if I did a bad job explaining it in the video).
Why am I saying all this?
I'm not sure about that either.
Even as I type I wonder if I might regret posting such personal thoughts publically, but all I know is, I felt a lot better after posting about failing my exams last year so I figured this might help somehow. And I know that by posting this now, in the future I can look back and remind myself about how much of a poor frame of mind I was in "back at uni" and use that as motivation to stay positive in whatever I end up doing. I really hope I can get into a more positive mindset after university.
Finally:
To my housemates - sorry if any of this has made you feel guilty in any way. It really isn't your fault that I haven't told you what's really on my mind. I guess I just wanted to not bring you down or cause worry. You've been my positive "escape" this term - people I can be around and forget my worries for that moment... The last thing I want is to avoid spending time with the only people I'm in touch with right now.
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#DurhamUniversity
20 авг 2024
