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Confessions of a Toxic Leader | Raj Subrameyer | TEDxManitouSprings 

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No one is born a toxic leader but anyone can easily become one. It’s time we take the shame off of the toxic traits we all have and become aware of the three primary symptoms that can lead us into toxic leadership, so we can address our own. When we do, we build stronger relationships, establish trust and transparency, and set the path for positive change in ourselves, our teams, and our work cultures. Raj Subrameyer is a tech career strategist focusing on how people can navigate their way through the digital space to have positive life and career transformations. He is passionate about helping professionals maximize their opportunities and discover their zone of genius. He uses his experience in the tech industry to research, speak and write about how we can embrace technology and become full-on digital citizens. He is a sought-after speaker at various conferences and has been featured in numerous podcasts and publications, including Entrepreneur, Authority Magazine, Career Addict, InfoQ, Thrive Global, Addicted2Success and The Good Men Project. He is also the author of the best-selling book “Skyrocket Your Career.” His areas of expertise include the human impact of technology, career advancement, leadership, productivity and entrepreneurship. In his spare time, he loves traveling and enjoying craft beer. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

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18 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 233   
@brunodstone
@brunodstone Год назад
Rough. But growth none the less! We gotta go through these points in life - we all have toxic traits - really face it, on our knees and learn from our mistakes and be humble!
@diywithderby6069
@diywithderby6069 Год назад
we honestly do all have toxic traits
@fortunaterbush8607
@fortunaterbush8607 Год назад
It is impossible to be without any toxic traits
@juliosester281
@juliosester281 Год назад
it is not easy not to be toxic dont you think...
@yaboimike940
@yaboimike940 Год назад
life shapes itself based on the things you say
@virgillopez5889
@virgillopez5889 Год назад
Leadership is hard. I know it.
@tinatuvalle
@tinatuvalle Год назад
I think toxicity only affects you if you let it. It's just as easy to maintain strong positive energy and not let an annoying boss (or toxic leader) wear you down.
@tuckerr2165
@tuckerr2165 Год назад
I completely understand where you're coming from, it's all about maintaining our own mental and emotional stability.
@fortunaterbush8607
@fortunaterbush8607 Год назад
His passion for helping professionals is inspiring.
@shayneb226
@shayneb226 Год назад
this focus on the human impact of technology is important.
@Benjamin-yh9mr
@Benjamin-yh9mr Год назад
I agree that we need to address our toxic traits.
@buddabuxby
@buddabuxby Год назад
Once we become aware of the stress we're living with it helps us to see how toxic we've become - and that it's possible to detoxify ❤❤
@joemurray1664
@joemurray1664 Год назад
Stress is the worst thing in my life...
@fortunaterbush8607
@fortunaterbush8607 Год назад
Have you ever met leaders who make their life mission is to make their people miserable?
@zelmacastricone1228
@zelmacastricone1228 Год назад
they also find it extremely difficult to trust team members. Because of this lack of confidence, tough problems are often ignored or swept under the carpet.
@DrishtiRaval17
@DrishtiRaval17 Год назад
Their sense of importance and usefulness only comes from criticizing others, and making them out to be less than they really are.
@valteradnan
@valteradnan Год назад
this is really beautiful
@rainithacker
@rainithacker 2 года назад
We all have toxic traits, the fact Raj was able to step outside of this and recognise - he's leading by a very good example
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Really appreciate the kind words Raini 🙏🏽
@kasperean
@kasperean 2 года назад
2:30 good work on his manager for picking this up and approaching him about this.
@suebakernottly
@suebakernottly 2 года назад
yes good point
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
@@suebakernottly I agree.
@asikahoinka
@asikahoinka Год назад
the part where he talks about not overworking yourself is so true
@ryandetorie
@ryandetorie 2 года назад
I think it takes a lot of courage to stand up in front of a group of people and talk about your faults, kudos to this dude.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thank you so much Ryan 🙏🏽
@mangocantu5382
@mangocantu5382 Год назад
What a shift for Raj! What a humbling and valuable experience to have gone through. Very grateful that he has shared it with us!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks 🙏🏽
@suehawke
@suehawke Год назад
Absolutely, not an easy thing to admit about yourself
@thomas-meyer
@thomas-meyer Год назад
thanks for the send
@chasesevern7224
@chasesevern7224 2 года назад
I have definitely struggled at times to keep myself in check and my biggest help is recognising that I am not better or worse than anyone else and I need to be willing to listen.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Great point Chase 👉🏾
@ma-T-oxic
@ma-T-oxic 2 года назад
Raj, I love your talks. 2nd one I've seen and I have to say, you're self awareness and willingness to face what confronts you and make changes is really admirable. Keep doing what you're doing!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Really appreciate all your support 🙏🏽
@thisistheperfectstate
@thisistheperfectstate 2 года назад
true man really true
@jasptasankert
@jasptasankert 2 года назад
cool send, thanks MaT
@sonthibutsalee
@sonthibutsalee 2 года назад
Seems to me that Raj came face to face with humility, and accepted it with open arms. That's a lot more than most could say. Staying humble allows ourselves and those around us to thrive.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thank you Sonthi 🙏🏽
@shoelessjoe911
@shoelessjoe911 2 года назад
good on him for this amount of self awareness
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Really appreciate the feedback 🙏🏽
@paulacharlesstanley
@paulacharlesstanley Год назад
Raj really had to surrender to his confronting feelings... What a journey that is! Fantastic talk!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks so much for your kind words 🙏🏽
@hasnain-jeelani
@hasnain-jeelani 2 года назад
"The very instant you interact with people, you will affect them." I think this is a problem in itself. I agree for sure just giving someone the wrong look or tone could be enough to ruin their day but shouldn't it also be on the other person to be a bit more fortified? To not be so easily affected?
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Great point. "Affect" is a subjective word here. I used it in a neutral connotation. The affect can be positive or negative. Maybe it could be replaced by the word "effect" 😀
@gadlubac
@gadlubac 2 года назад
I fully agree with the part he says around the 7 minute mark. When you repeat any kind of behaviour regularly you become desensitized to it... that's why it's so important to be present and pay attention to all those little things you do that can become a pattern.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks for the feedback Gad 🙌🏾
@I-Am-june-day
@I-Am-june-day 2 года назад
Raj really knows how to tell a story in a gripping way. Had me hooked early!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks so much June. Your words means a lot to me 🙏🏽
@blaircailean
@blaircailean 2 года назад
I feel like this guy has come a long way and learnt a lot about himself in the process, well done to him.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Blair 🙏🏽
@phillipnorris3rd
@phillipnorris3rd 2 года назад
agree
@deanrupe
@deanrupe 2 года назад
Props to this guy for wanting to learn about himself and fix those toxic traits.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Dean!
@jasminelovell
@jasminelovell 2 года назад
'life shapes itself based on the things you say yes to and the things you say no to' - very well said!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
ThankYou 🙏🏽
@tonirduran
@tonirduran 2 года назад
I agree totally that being under stress will affect your leadership skills.
@tiphaineauguet
@tiphaineauguet 2 года назад
'made a vow to always make people respect me.' I really hope he understands a bit more about respect.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Great point. Yor are right that it took me time to know how respect should be really earned instead of forcing it.
@vajragem
@vajragem Год назад
Nice to see Raj taking his experience and turning it into a valuable talk like this
@rahataleem6544
@rahataleem6544 2 года назад
Modern work environments can be so toxic, often due to their leaders, I'm glad to see Raj is standing up for workers after having contributed to that!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Rahat 🙏🏽
@moanaoloha
@moanaoloha 2 года назад
Not many bad leaders would take this kind of turn around and be honest about it. Paving the way good man!
@jim-chew
@jim-chew 2 года назад
I am in awe of Raj. I have not witnessed many people who are so toxic that they have this ability to change their ways. Amazing.
@kathy-ward
@kathy-ward 2 года назад
Yes, a huge part of toxicity is refusing to acknowledge it
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
I appreciate the feedback Jim 🙏🏽
@fantastic.shoppingaddict
@fantastic.shoppingaddict 2 года назад
What he says about how you start to affect people the second you interact with them is so true! I wish more people understood this, and kept their shhh vibes to themselves.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks for supporting my ideas 🙏🏽
@emmittgriswald
@emmittgriswald Год назад
Raj is absolutely right about the relationship between covid and stress
@billiejeanbrasier
@billiejeanbrasier Год назад
ain't nothing toxic about self-awareness - we are all human and we make mistakes but owning those mistakes and talking about them takes real strength.
@harryduganesq
@harryduganesq 2 года назад
I imagine he's getting more respect now that he understands the proper ways to earn it.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
It was a slow process to earn back people's trust but now people see my vulnerability and appreciate the effort I put in to make a transformation.
@addisonpassini
@addisonpassini 2 года назад
I'm a little confused about what he made his employee do? But I'm happy for him that it became a catalyst for change, sounds like he needed it.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
I made my employees do things that were beneficial for me and also wantedly gave a bad feedback to an employee as I was highly insecure.
@carljanicek
@carljanicek 2 года назад
Struck something within me watching Raj speak of his journey. Thank you for this open speech.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Carl 🙏🏽
@13MYSTIX13
@13MYSTIX13 Год назад
Well done for seeking the lesson within this, learning and growing is something we should all strive to do and never stop doing
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks 🙏🏽
@jhonusalazar
@jhonusalazar 2 года назад
I catch myself hiding things from my management and my team, not necessarily because I have done something wrong, but because if I did it wrong and didn’t realize, I would be caught off guard if I have to defend myself. I have started trying to own everything that I do at work and be transparent- old habits die hard though.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
First of all, kudos to being brave and accepting the issue. That is a big first step. Secondly, start with small changes over a period of time and giver yourself some grace 😬
@lilyschmyer
@lilyschmyer 2 года назад
From Toxic to Wholesome
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Lily. I appreciate your support 🙏🏽
@tedbuden
@tedbuden Год назад
this is when we really step into our power
@earlbannicek5766
@earlbannicek5766 Год назад
I really admire Raj for getting up in front of a room full of people and admitting this about himself, and then putting it on youtube!!! Well done Raj.
@julianm8639
@julianm8639 Год назад
because of the character traits we have put worth to for a very long time, for a long time, really awful leadership styles were idolized, but now that we know better, we all get to do better!
@simonoshlor
@simonoshlor Год назад
I think we should always focus on how we are rather than who we are... it's so easy to get caught up in your perception of yourself to the point where maintaining it comes at the cost of your mental health without even noticing
@thejanicej
@thejanicej 2 года назад
Only 2 minutes in and he has said so many essential things for life. Wow.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks so much Janice for all your support and feedback 🙏🏽
@claire-mortimer
@claire-mortimer Год назад
This is why it's so important for workplaces to be open and encourage a 'speak up' policy. I guarantee you all the members of staff working with Raj knew he was toxic long before his superior did
@mikehweaver
@mikehweaver 2 года назад
we all have characteristics that are considered to be detrimental to a thriving life, really takes an intelligent person to be aware of this.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Intelligent person or someone who is willing to make a change and is broad minded! Thanks for the feedback.
@mikehweaver
@mikehweaver 2 года назад
@@raj.subrameyer Thanks for the reply! I think intelligence and open-mindedness go hand in hand...
@Rant-Diva
@Rant-Diva Год назад
Mon Dieu, what a revelation! This man has finally come to understand the depths of his own toxicity as a leader. It is a pity that it took him so long to realize that his behavior was unacceptable.
@jujurocker
@jujurocker Год назад
Definitely agree Raj, once you're actions turn into a behaviour it's very difficult to see just how dangerous they are
@vesper4463
@vesper4463 Год назад
Well I agree with the part about how interacting with people affects them...
@lazerkittythetrue
@lazerkittythetrue 2 года назад
Oh yes- following the rules because you need approval can cause a lot of damage when you have control over others. I have been there, as ashamed as I am to admit it.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
I believe most of us go through the similar experiences as you and I did. The key is to acknowledge and learn from it and then take actions towards positive change.
@mariannemortimer7724
@mariannemortimer7724 2 года назад
I can imagine his team would have been beyond grateful for this realisation.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
They were Marianne 👍🏽
@mariannemortimer7724
@mariannemortimer7724 2 года назад
@@raj.subrameyer 👍
@thrasherjoe
@thrasherjoe 2 года назад
Thank you Raj. Not many could do this.
@hichemkahela
@hichemkahela 2 года назад
YES! I say yes all the time, and I burn out and can’t do things well enough, so I feel like a failure. Then I transfer that sense of guilt onto others and blame them for me not being able to achieve. I need to learn to say no.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Dont worry. You are not alone. I feel you. Give yourself some grace and take small steps towards big changes.
@ursulayildrim
@ursulayildrim 2 года назад
Ray thank you being vulnerable and sharing your story.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks Urusla 🙏🏽
@thisismindfulness
@thisismindfulness 2 года назад
Wow... some serious confessions here. Way to hold yourself accountable though pal!! Good work!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Appreciate the support 🙏🏽
@franklinpgarner
@franklinpgarner 2 года назад
I'm really glad my workplace has extensive management training specifically for this kind of thing. No one should just stumble down a path into a leadership role.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
I am so grateful for your company to have management trainings to reduce occurrence of Toxic Leadership before they even occur
@themarybasse
@themarybasse 2 года назад
That would have been such a harrowing realisation, but clearly came back better and stronger for it!
@yafaxestre
@yafaxestre Год назад
There are so many forms of toxicity nowadays it's hard to keep up with them all!
@pennyhooker
@pennyhooker 2 года назад
The drive for success can be dangerous... it was interesting to hear from someone who's dealt with this firsthand!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Appreciate it 🙏🏽
@austinjay9486
@austinjay9486 2 года назад
wow. this has me thinking about a lot. thank you for the transparency Raj, it's going to help a lot of us.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks so much, Austin for all your support and kind words. It was a very vulnerable moment for me but I feel the world needed to hear it to help other people.
@therealmyyt
@therealmyyt 2 года назад
There's a name for those 'good kids' who always followed the rules.
@rachealbrasner4237
@rachealbrasner4237 Год назад
Well done Raj, this kind of self-reflection takes a lot of courage, and often when people are forced to look at themselves after they've hit that breaking point they choose to double down on their toxicity because correcting it is too difficult.
@gastonedupriese
@gastonedupriese Год назад
The only thing that makes a leader truly toxic is the inability to own their short comings instead of pawning it off on others.
@dimamoharev
@dimamoharev Год назад
Thank you Raj, work place respect and morale is more important than ever these days.
@gabor-kantor
@gabor-kantor 2 года назад
I guess most of us have encountered toxic leaders at some point. thanks for the honest talk, Raj!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks Gabor 🙏🏽
@honeyissweetforme
@honeyissweetforme Год назад
Wow it feels almost cosmic for me to have found this talk. My workplace is in the middle of a huge HR inquiry and obviously it has caused a lot of people to start talking more openly with one another about their experiences with our management and just... wow. It is amazing these people make it in to leadership roles in the first place.
@norapharper
@norapharper 2 года назад
Impressed with this talk. It's important for us to reflect on our own behavior honestly.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks Nora 🙏🏽
@booba00garde91
@booba00garde91 Год назад
I think people like that lack something fundamental within their own happiness - like if you're confident and happy with yourself to the point where you've stopped looking for faults within yourself, that spreads over into not looking for faults in other people as well.
@cruznow
@cruznow 2 года назад
There's nothing toxic about self awareness!!!!
@janegeegeehogge
@janegeegeehogge Год назад
Okay but mad props for realising this and working towards fixing it! That is way more than a lot of people can say
@jasptasankert
@jasptasankert 2 года назад
Mmmmm there's a lot of really interesting points here.
@basilfaulty7643
@basilfaulty7643 2 года назад
I think "toxic" anything is very much subjective. Especially in this day and age when people have such differing levels of sensitivity. Behavior that may seem toxic to one person can easily be interpreted differently by another. This is why emotional intelligence and maturity are required to make that assessment on a person to person basis.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Great point 👍🏽
@suebakernottly
@suebakernottly 2 года назад
Love this talk!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks so much for taking the time to watch it Sue 🙏🏽
@Sarahnotthesong
@Sarahnotthesong 2 года назад
The relationships he has to keep him leveled are so important and beautiful.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Sarah
@thetoddfrank
@thetoddfrank 2 года назад
glad this showed up on my home page today, this is a really interesting talk. It must have been hard for him to open up about his toxic traits like this, appreciate your cando, Raj.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks 🙏🏽
@nicopetey
@nicopetey Год назад
It's not just anxiety and stress that can lead to toxicity Raj, though I agree those things can too! This is why it is so important to seek therapy. No need to wait until breaking point, get ahead of those unhealthy tactics to ensure a better outcome for all!
@northcosca
@northcosca 2 года назад
Honest!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thank you 🙏🏽
@lachiepturner
@lachiepturner 2 года назад
wow...
@mattgruic
@mattgruic Год назад
Brilliant talk...
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer Год назад
Thanks Matt 🙏🏽
@carollcole
@carollcole Год назад
Credit to those who have the self-awareness to do better!
@haikes
@haikes Год назад
Wow... I can't believe that's what it took for him to realize he was toxic. It makes me question my own behavior, like if I was toxic would I even know?
@ThereAreBetterWays
@ThereAreBetterWays 2 года назад
Considering stress. sadly there are many work places that put unreasonable stress on people. I imagine that would exacerbate these tendencies in people.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Well said 💪🏾
@alexingram3781
@alexingram3781 7 месяцев назад
love this Raj
@gwendolyncarnell
@gwendolyncarnell Год назад
Leadership means taking care of your people, plain and simple. Them bosses need to figure that out before they run their company into the ground.
@MrStaybrown
@MrStaybrown Год назад
I worked a day overtime with another crew once, and they had a meeting before shift. Their shift foreman said at the end, "If you're told to do a job that you think is unsafe, just do it, then come find me, and we'll talk about it !! Now get out there and get to work !! While he had both fists clenched and gritting his teeth, eyeballing everyone. The company eventually found him to be a liability and fired him.
@butterflyaffect
@butterflyaffect Год назад
Thank you for sharing your experiences Raj, it's genuinely renewed a sense of compassion towards some of the people I work with.
@gaiasardoni
@gaiasardoni Год назад
It's the capacity for manipulation that really puts me on high alert. Someone in a leadership role should be trusted to guide the team in a caring and supportive way. If you
@poojadelinaer
@poojadelinaer 2 года назад
This guy is so humble and self-aware (well, he is now at least). I saw another one of his talks and he really owns his past and his mistakes. That vulnerability is even more impressive after listening to this talk and hearing about how desperate he was to succeed and achieve.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
I am very humbled Pooja by your feedback. I am hoping when I accept my mistakes and share my stories of failure it would inspire other people to make a positive change.
@wzhen9391
@wzhen9391 Год назад
There are so many different ways a person can be toxic or act out that toxicity and the last place you need that kind of thing is at your job
@lefthandcharlie
@lefthandcharlie Год назад
This has given me a lot to think about! I've seen the kind of toxic leader behavior Raj is talking about but in people who I thought were just smug and up themselves... Maybe I've got it all wrong though and they're masking the anxiety and depression Raj mentioned.
@ermacohen
@ermacohen 2 года назад
This was a really good talk for me to see today.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Appreciate it Emma 🙏🏽
@iamarchiestewart
@iamarchiestewart Год назад
This was genuinely insightful, thank you Raj.
@oliverreserd
@oliverreserd 2 года назад
Ahhh wow haha I'm glad he's changed now because he sounds exactly like the kind of manager that people talk behind their backs about.
@suehawke
@suehawke Год назад
"People become emotionally numb to protect themselves from further suffering" 🥺😭
@mylittlesoulishappy
@mylittlesoulishappy Год назад
This is such an eye-opener Raj thank you. Going to reflect on some of my character traits...
@jessaabraham
@jessaabraham 2 года назад
A person can be toxic. A person can be a leader. A person cannot be both. A person in a certain position can be toxic but a toxic person is never a leader. Leader is a quality not a position.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Great point Jessa.
@therealfocusguru
@therealfocusguru 2 года назад
Man thats honest!
@phillipnorris3rd
@phillipnorris3rd 2 года назад
Good talk man...
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Thanks Philip 😀
@jaykishoreduvvuri7598
@jaykishoreduvvuri7598 Год назад
You are simply Awesome :)!
@iamtherealyesman
@iamtherealyesman 2 года назад
That is a break I hope I don't have to get to the point of but I can see it would be very life changing.
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
It was indeed 🧐
@ErinKalshaw
@ErinKalshaw 2 года назад
I know many men that should watch this
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
I totally agree 🙏🏽
@kalestanslink
@kalestanslink 2 года назад
There's a difference between being toxic, and being self absorbed.
@elaineclouston
@elaineclouston 2 года назад
Greed makes toxic!
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
Agreed. That is what I was struggling with Elaine
@iamaspacefreak
@iamaspacefreak Год назад
This is why HR is so important in EVERY business. We all have characteristics that need work - and if in the professional environment, having trained professionals putting you forward for courses or training that helps you tackle your shortcomings.... That's how we thrive!
@mayaquinton
@mayaquinton 2 года назад
I have had this boss.... sad times
@raj.subrameyer
@raj.subrameyer 2 года назад
You got the power to change the situation or take action that makes your life better. You got this 💪🏾
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Speak like a leader | Simon Lancaster | TEDxVerona
18:48