Das Ranting: Mervin Reads! Twilight Illustrated Guide (Episode 3) 

You know... as a prospective biology major, I would actually love to go through all Meyer's stuff on vampire "biology" and explain EXACTLY why it didn't work. The cell membrane thing, for instance, is absolutely ridiculous. Cell membranes are a bi-layer of lipid molecules which hold together because of polarity. They CANNOT have a "crystalline" structure.

So, upon being born, Renesmee or what's her face was born with an adult mentality...yet she uses the rather childish term "my Jacob" and should understand what child grooming and pedophilia are, yet neither of those things concern her. Renesmee just got a whole lot creepier.

Aro wasn't just sitting around; he was tied to a ceiling with torches on him and spun around, being used by the ancient Romans as a form of rudimentary disco ball.

Here's something that has bothered me about the vampire franchise, not just Twilight. Well, it is about Twilight too cause they abuse the living shit out of it. Whats with the whole 'human' bashing in these vampires stories? What's with Vampires forgetting that they were once human? It seems any book that has a supernatural creature can't go without insulting humanity, claiming that they are more prettier, or more successful and alluring. While humans are pathetic, weak, and mud-eyed. (I have read Mervin's Sporking and I too was disgusted that Meyer would put this in her work). It's not just Meyer who does it. Why do authors forget that their readers are human? And for that matter, Vampires shouldn't bash at humans like they are the lower life form. True, in some stories they may have supreme strength, and powers, but think about it. Vampires need human blood to survive. And you need humans to create vampires, but what does a Vampire create? Pretty sculptures, paintings and material junk doesn't count. I'm speaking nature wise. I have seen a handful of stories where Vampires were fertile, but the majority of stories say Vampires cannot produce children, generally making them a genetic dead end. What would happen if the human population suddenly dropped? What's gonna happen to those godlike vampires who feed off the humans? At least werewolves still have their baby makers. Please someone, give me an answer!

This. The first time anywhere in which vampires were hurt by sunlight was the '20s film Nosferatu. Before they were just comatose during the day or otherwise didn't come out except at night, which is another characteristic SMeyer's Meyerpires don't have.

Agreed. There are times I wish I could go back to high school so I could redo things. My sympathy for her dries up, however, when I read about the things she wished happened to her. It's not so much "Man, I wish I could've done things different back then" as it is "I should've had all that! I deserve it!"

Even though I have the illustrated guide, I still love listening to your rants Merv. ;)

Ah, right, now I remember that. It's still freakin' creepy. And I just love how that guide points out that "only one mother is known to have survived producing a half-vampire baby" to drill in the point of how super spesul Bella is.

Not quite, Dracula did go out during the day, but he was weakened by the sunlight. But even then he was basically on the power level of a human I think.

Y'know, hearing 'bout how all of a vampire's fluids get replaced by venom makes me think that they're actually really vulnerable. Since their venom's flammable (and it is, going by the actual saga), it wouldn't take much to turn those bloodsucking disco-balls into glittery bonfires... Which renders SMeyer's statement of humans being unable to harm vampires null, considering humanity's excellence in killing with fire. So a good way for humans to kill 'em quick is to fly out of a vampire's jumping range and chuck firebombs at 'em... Holy shit, I need to make spitefic outta that.

Not related to the vampires, but more directed at the story in general: When your plot makes less sense than Yume Nikki, something is very, very wrong. Okay, maybe that can apply to these vampires, but still.

Well I was lucky then, because I never expected those books to be good. But the problem in my eyes with the background was that it never made sense. I mean why would those vampires hide? And no one ever managed to actually threaten the Volturi? I think we can agree that Meyer just did this stuff to make the main two look so special. Well I say: End then Buffy staked Edward ~End

I know she supposedly did that with Bella, but I think Bella is technically Stephenie Meyer. Also that sounds like lazy writing to me it's basically saying: you fill in the gaps and do the storytelling for me.

"The mentality of an adult by the time of her birth" - wait, does that mean Renesmee had an adult's mentality in the WOMB? Just when I thought the kid from hell couldn't get any creepier.

And hear i thought superheros protect people and do good things silly human me. ....TO THE BATCAVE ! We have a string murders to solve Robin.

Not really. Also alot of the stuff the Volturi supposedly spread, e.g. the fangs and the sunlight stuff, isn't folkloric, it's pure fiction, the sunlight specifically is from the movies. Not to mention that Meyers vampires have nearly nothing in common with the folkloric ones. Basically she just copied what she saw in movies.

The stuff with less broken bones didn't seem to work didn't it? Didn't she break Bella's spine?

I just wanted to cast my opinion of twilight fans from my point of view. I'm fourteen years old. Many of the fans (around my age) I see aren't avid readers. I think the only time I've seen them pick up a book was to read Twilight. It's sad. Just had to point that out. Also, did you know that Stephanie Meyer said that she gave the characters as little personality as possible so that the reader could insert xirself into the story. :I wat

I thought Underworld vampires all had those electric blue eyes?

I was amused! :D

Even though I do fear for your sanity I still love the sound of you "maniacal" laughter (I hope you know I don't mean that in any way insulting) and the snarky sound of your voice. The "white=beautiful" thing really bugs me. I mean, I am very pale, a natural blonde and I like it because it suits me. But that doesn't mean it would suit everyone else. Maybe it's because I'm German and had to live with the whole German = Nazi accusations my whole life that this whole thing bothers me so much.

Someone's a troper.

This is so...what? Where is the LOGIC?

I'm not going to argue where and when the legends came from in the real world. I think what I was trying to say was the way it sounds all incorrect info about vampires came from the Volturi deliberately, and none of it was invented by a storyteller with no inkling vampires were real who was just trying to create a more interesting narrative. That makes her world seem oddly lifeless and small. Not really surprised since it's just there to glorify Bella and Eddie anyway. Just disappointed.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I agree with that. Clearly, SMeyer is living out things she wished had happened to her in high school. Not that I don't sympathize with her though. Everyone wished they could've had the time of their life in high school, instead of it being a living Hell.

Bella is definitely SMeyer, but at the same time I can kind of agree with her about Bella being an audience insert. Bella has a personality (and it's not a good one), but she's written in such a way that it's easy to place oneself in her shoes.

You know Meyer why other vampires are pale? Because they are DEAD. Not because they are "oh so byeotifuuuuuuul!"

Actually Merv, by Meyer's logic, since the vampires only select humans that they think will be pretty enough for the change, TECHNICALLY that means Edward didnt "pick" Bella to become a vampire. He flat out said he wanted to eat her, not change her. Not to defend Meyer, or her books, but either Bella wasnt pretty enough to be worthy of a change, but smelled good enough to be worthy of being someone's dinner, OR Meyer has a twisted sense of "selection."

I like the thing about the misinformation the Volturi spread about vampires too. No tales of supernatural beings are made up or changed for the sake of a better story in these books. All legends are true, and any that aren't true are part of a misinformation campaign the Volturi spread. But then, the author has no idea of changing things for the sake of a better story either, does she?

the older versions of it.. people are being bit.. special.. and find the mixture of disease and necrophilia bit .. erotic... vampires were those that had sensitivity to light and anemia.. those with syphilis tend to have those so yeah.. is a mixture of death and depravations since STD's were at lerge at that time.. the sexual component was always strong.. sex being seen as the one that brings death and dissease if outside marriage or as you like it instead as you are told..

So...if someone were African American and they got turned would their skin lose it's original skin color ?

I still have sympathy for her despite this? Who doesn't wish they could have been rich, popular and Beautiful in hell school? What SMeyer fails on though is that she acts more like she wanted to be one of the Mean Girls instead of merely showing them.

Tattoos disappear? I mean, I can see why that might happen (same deal as the scars)... but. Man. A tattoo can be a big representation of who you are. And you get turned, and it's just GONE. And you can never get a tattoo (or, presumably, a piercing) again.

Her “vampires”are just sparkling rocks for supernatural creatures! It’s soo stupid XD!

The worst part is that even Catholcism's pick for "age of reason" is one year older than what Meyer put for Nessie.

And like I said, I think that is lazy. And not only Meyer does that, respectively often readers tend to ignore the physical and character traits they don't like, or they downplay them. It is scary believe me when they refer to shooting needles at your friends as simply messing around. Often I think they don't like the characters in the books but rather what they make up about them in their heads.

Well they probably didn't think in that direction but their color symbolism is in line with that and so they probably didn't do it consciously. And I don't think that you can apply zoology here since no bat has blue eyes and based on what the film shows I guess its safe to say that the makers only know the better known canids wolf/dog, jackal, coyote and red fox and arctic fox. And among them the most common color is yellow, only among dogs is it brown and even then not black like the lycans.

Actually, she went on record saying for her college was more fun (she aslo giggled about dating three guys at once). I think it's more because she felt things should've been great in high school. If you read Mervin's Breaking Dawn recap, there are a lot of instances where it feels like Meyer is pouting because none of this happened to her.

And I totally agree about the eyes. Yes, there are differences between human blood and other animal blood. But I doubt it would be enough to cause such drastic differences in eye color. It makes more sense if EVERY animal caused different colored eyes, then. Bear =/= Deer D:< But having a color other than red doesn't make much sense. You can give fantasy/supernatural authors decent leeway with Artistic Biology, and mix science in to an extent, but this... I'm enjoying the rant, though.

Theoretically, I could see why (more traditional) vampires would be pale, or become pale. Dark skin is designed to handle more sun. Vampires, by lore, are not supposed to be in the sun, or they burn. I see it like a disease involving UV sensitivity, most usually causing people to be pale (though usually they're born like that). I can still imagine dark vampires though. But Meyer's vampires don't burn in sunlight; they're supposed to be God damned PERFECT. They don't have an excuse like that. >:/

That would fit so many of these "bestellers," they are popular even if it jumps into your face how bad they are.

Yeah, I heard that. She just flat out admitted that Bella has no real personality. She's like one of those "Your face here" picture things.

I believe there's a saying for what Meyer's trying to do; if you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit.

I never expected it to be good either, I was just pointing out another way it failed. But yeah, for such a big world it sure isn't. Then again Meyer seems to think just having superpowers is cooler than having the characters do anything cool with them.

How can Vampires move if their cells are crystal? How do their muscles contract just like a human?

If not an adult, definitely with the ability think and reason, considering Edward can read her thoughts in utero and tells Bella and the fetus is thinking that she is apologetic for causing Bella so much trauma and will work on trying to keep still to avoid more broken bones. No, I'm not joking. End of chapter sixteen, Breaking Dawn.

I wish you would make more hate videos of Twilight :) They are soo funny and smart.

@tehsupervampy Well, I am in written form over on LJ. I'm currently recapping Eclipse; Twilight and New Moon are complete, as well as Midnight Sun (done by my partner Mrs. Hyde). The link to the community is on my channel homepage, if you are interested. :)

Not to mention that other vampire stories where the vampires turn all white (at least, all the ones I've seen) didn't have the audacity to say "These guys are universally beautiful for it".

look mature? It doesnt! Making her mother forget to pay her bills on time and doesnt make you immature hell i forget the day of the week sometimes and have to ask what day is it. or whats todays date, its the third CRAP i was supposed to have my rent the first let me go pay it real quick. no seriously! how many people has that happened to? it doesnt make you immature it just makes you forgetful sometimes.

Oh god! someone please gag me with a spoon. Renestard growing up at the age of seven. man my seven year old niece are more grown up than she is hell they are more grown up than bella and edward for that matter. at least they know that if your man leaves you, you dont turn go into a vegetable state ever. and seven even if she is a vampire, doesnt make you grown. experience is what makes you mature and grown never age. and tell me something smeyer how does making bella parent immature make her

With SMeyer it isn't just the question if she EVER thinks about what she's writing, I really doubt that she ever thinks in general... One thing about your ranting bothered me, though. You're pronouncing her name wrong. ("Stephenie" like "Stephen" as in Mr. King and an "e" added at the end) I think the name sounds ridiculous, still I think everyone has a right to have his name pronounced the way it was intended. Other than that excellent work - just as everything else I heard and read by you.

Oh, okay, I see now. Though to be fair to the Underworld people, I don't think they were thinking of any racist implications. Irl, canids (wolves, dogs, etc.) often have dark eyes, so that's probably what they were thinking of. As for the dark eyes in Twilight, well, it's already racist, soooo...

I was falling asleep and hit the 👎with my twitchy thumb and, er... Sorry 'bout that. If I were to express a like or dislike on your videos, it would be 👍 for sure,, but as it is I try to merely lurk. Sorry for bringing up notifications on 11-plus-year-old videos 😅 So... uh, in case you're still seeing this, I'll add: very impressive series of analyses.

Speaking of shifters being a defense against werewolves, what actually WOULD be the most optimal animal for them to change into? I feel like they could have done much better. Cougars (and big cats in general) and bears are much stronger than wolves. Elephants are much bigger and stronger than most predators, and have a trunk that can be used as a substitute hand, potentially allowing for the use of weapons. Eagles and other flying creatures can lift vampires high into the air and let them fall to their deaths and could also carry archers on their backs, turning them into low-tech fighter jets of a sort. Bombardier beetles can fly and shoot a kind of fiery acid from their abdomens, and Meyerpires are weak to fire. Why not mix it up and have a variety of animals so that you can cover all the bases? Does anyone else have suggestions?

Was anyone else reminded of the borg when Meyer said that you lose your moles, freckles and birth marks during transformation?

I think it may be because she's on of the those people who feel like her life was OVER once she got away from high school.

Oh but you see they're LUBRICATED by a "venom"! Don't you know that if you put lotion on a rock it gets more flexible?

Wasn't the folkloric vampire more tied to death and disease than sex?

Hehe... Did anyone notice Meyer never got to the limitations?

Thumbs up if you knew who most of those vampires were.

Each man is a god, each man is free.

What is the golden calf comment?

PU-MA MAN, HE FLIES LIKE A MORON!

Belief me its not just her. She paved the way for alot of other wannabes and they are flooding the market.

(charlie2cute:) Well, the "psychically gifted" comment depends on weather or not you believe in psychic humans. Personally, I do. Now, obviously, I don't think there are people, who can "read minds" (or as I prefer to say: hear thoughts) like Eddykins, here or see the future - at least not the way Malice (thank you, NC) does - it maybe like a vague dream or vision or whatever, that you need to interpret -, or anything like the psychics or witches on Supernatural, but personally, I do think there are humans out there, who are more in touch with the energy around them.

I remember Crazy Steve from ASBAR! And, on the Vampire myths, I have a couple more, crossing running water and untying knots? I have lurked on LJ, and read all of your Twilight series sporkings, I haven't commented, but I want to say that I appreciate what you do, and I'm glad you do it. I hope you don't go insane after you finish going over every mind-numbing detail, and if you do, I'll donate money for your medical bills. P.S. Eddie Izzard makes everything better

Honestly. I would love you to do this for the canon books.

Thanks again for our darling Eddie Izzard and the MST3K!