I feel that I don't deserve to get better and when I'm a long period of time without harming myself it kinda feels like "I'm doing better" and I don't want to do better, I don't know how to live other way if it's not that way. I don't know if that makes sense, but yeah.
It does make sense, up until I found boxing I felt the exact same way...honestly when I get sad now I go outside and I work out until I feel like I can't anymore then I push harder than I feel I'm able to and it makes me for the first time in years feel strong and alive. But I truly understand, perhaps you should look into a passion....I know I probably didn't help much but I hope you have a lovely day🖤
Absolutely makes sense. This is why I don’t use “recovery” as a way to measure the journey. The way I see it is if you’re having urges, temptations and thoughts (self-harm) then you’re still in a state of either feeling good or bad; not “recovered” or “doing well”. You are whatever you think you are at any given time☺️ It feels awkward when people go “you seem to be doing well”. Yeah I’m just masking it😅
I can definitely relate to this. In the early stages of recovery, I missed the sense of control it gave me and that I developed a routine around it. This was really difficult to deal with on top of strong urges. After being 6 months clean, I had somewhat of an identity crisis. I had based more of my identity around “being a self-harmer” than I initially realised. It did feel like losing a close friend. While the idea of not self-harming for a few days, weeks or months was fine for me, the idea of never ever self-harming again in my life terrified me. I didn’t anticipate this aspect of recovery and it was a really strange, isolating feeling. It took a while but I eventually found other things that make me happy and to form my sense of self around. (“Self-harmer” is a really shitty thing to self-identify as anyway.) Any feelings of missing self-harm I have currently are caused by wanting to be seen as valid by medical professionals. Past experiences of my mental health being dismissed by doctors have made me wary of professionals, even though I know I need treatment. Sometimes the thought creeps in that if I had fresh self-harm they would take me seriously. I feel guilty about these thoughts because I don’t want to be an attention-seeker and in some ways, it makes me doubt the validity of my past self-harm. (“Does this mean I was actually doing it for attention that whole time?!”) It also just makes me sad that I’ve been neglected by professionals so much that it makes me wish to go back to an old self-destructive habit.
I understand, I always feel like no one will take my mental health problems seriously unless I physically show pain and hurt as a result of my mental struggles. (self harming) It's like a cry for help, but at the same time, I feel like I need to hide it and I'm ashamed of it. It's really confusing.
I miss that feeling of self harming because I feel apathetic. Like I don’t self harm now because it would be bothersome, annoying to hide, etc. when I relapse I typically am also suicidal so it feels like it doesn’t matter if I self harm. Sometimes I miss seeing the scars and watching the healing process, but I’m currently dealing with a deeper cut that hasn’t faded and I have to hide it like all the time. Like I’m glad I’m not feeling bad enough to be self harming, but in a way those times feel easier than where I am right now.
I've been watching your channel since around 7th grade (and I'm going to be graduating from high school this year!!) and I really appreciate you're still making content :) I've tired to stop c--tting myself for years but I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the right thing. I haven't c--t myself in a while ( maybe 2 months ) but, instead of doing that, I just punch myself in the legs. I do it a lot and I always give myself a lot of bruises. I feel like each time it happens it's just getting worse. Everytime I'm upset at myself or angry, I have to do it. I thought this was a better alternative than c--tting myself because it wouldn't be permanent and maybe I would ease out of it, but I feel like I'm still hurting myself just as much as I was before. It doesn't give the same kind of "satisfaction" that I used to get from c--tting myself, but I also do feel a little less guilty because I know what I'm doing isnt permanent. I'm just kind of conflicted and was wondering if anyone had any advice or has gone through the same thing, or if what im doing is just a bad idea (the edit was fixing a few misspelled words)
only recently found the channel, thank you for all these videos, its helping. Hate summer too since im "forced" to use long sleeves so I look very out of place among people lol
Whenever i look at any blades, box cutters, knives, literally anything sharp i get the urge to self-harm. And i dont want the scars, but at the same time i miss them. I wish i. Could just sh without gaining scars but thats literally impossible.
Thanks for making videos. I started watching you tonight after I randomly got an intense urge to sh again after almost a year clean. Its so frustrating because Ive grown to really hate my scars when I used to not really care at all. So I was frankly kinda mad at myself for even indulging the thought. I dont really have anyone I can talk too abt it that wouldnt blow it out of proportion so I appreciate knowing this isnt weird or scary, its just something that happens sometimes. I know I and everyone else who happens to come across this video can get through whatever it is that brought us here.
(I'm italian, so sorry for any grammar error) I'm sober for like 3 months now and after so many tries to stop, this is the first time i really feel like i'm not gonna relapse and i really hope i'm not. Although i sometimes miss it, cause when i go in that dark place, when i start having bad thoughts and anxiety i think like: "what if self harm could help me?", "i should try, maybe it'll calm me down" and i really think about doing it. But i wanna remember you that thoughts are just thoughs and you can't control them, but you can control your actions and how you responde to those thoughts. I know it's hard sometimes cause it's like they are controlling you. I get it, i really do. Just remember that thoughts remain thoughts if you don't make them actions
Appreciate these videos mate love how honest and real (yet positive) you are you've helped me a lot over the years and I'm really thankful for your channel
I love your channel. It really helps me to feel less alone, and your videos have helped me through some hard times. Thank you for making these and being there for everyone out out there who feels alone!
Yes there are times that I do miss self harm I still have my old box cutter that I use to self harm on myself for years I don't know why I still have it
I’ve had a lot going on; bad and good; but now it’s mostly good. I have plans for returning to my channel; I’ve been focusing on writing my third book whilst working my regular job
