Do You Sound Patronizing?

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If someone expresses their discomfort with your best attempts at applying brand new communication skills, here are some things to try. Here I'm talking about using Nonviolent Communications (NVC), but you can apply this to any new personal growth strategies and communication tools that you're adopting.
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Dr. Yvette Erasmus is a psychologist, teacher, and consultant who specializes in transformative education for human healing and growth, helping people embrace differences while staying grounded in their fundamental unity. A sought-after relational-intelligence expert, Dr. Erasmus offers various programs for community learning as well as one-on-one consulting. Her approach synthesizes mind-body medicine, somatic experiencing, diversity and inclusiveness, nonviolent communication, and integral-relational-cultural psychology, bringing what has been divided and fragmented into wholeness and harmony. To learn more, visit yvetteerasmus.com.

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Опубликовано:

18 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 53

@ImmediateTherapySolutions 6 месяцев назад

You are so smart. "Do as you'd like as long as you aren't imposing it on others" is not only a great way of behaving but a way of speaking. It respects both your freedoms and others freedoms and if everyone implemented this way of thinking the world would be a beautiful place.

@shridhards1870 4 дня назад

So angelic you are in your presentation of the things . Great way to go. Hats off.

@duanefrench3500 Год назад

Thx, for making me conscious of this behavior. Growth is for a lifetime.

@tymcrae486 Год назад

Wow I absolutely love this . I felt the feeling but needed a clear definition to exactly what it sounds like.❤

@berenicer.ortega3691 Год назад

love the way you explain it

@rebeccaforsyth7870 7 месяцев назад

Damn. I definitely have been doing the self-improvement one. Thanks for helping me understand.

@crackpillow2130 Год назад

You know what, thanks. You're kind and helpful

@4ASHDesign 21 день назад

I've heard many people are put off by my profession saying Interior designers can come across patronizing, stuffy or rude. My painter politely told I can come across as a bit opinionated and condensing. I dont mean to be & don't want to be off putting and lose clients. Thank you for the insightful video !

@jovyflagg Год назад

Thank you for this! My husband and I always end up arguing and turn nothing into a big fight. He often says my smart mouth is the problem. I always think I am just trying to help out and I even have to change the way I speak so I don’t feel like I’m telling him what to do. So instead of saying, maybe you should do this or do that, i started trying to ask him if he had done step A or B or exhausted all the options to solve it. I got told that I am condescending evn though I was giving a feedback for the problem I was asked for. My husband asked me “why is it even a question and why would I have to ask if he did a, b, c, d. He takes so much pride in his work so when I told him it could be a simple mistake or human error, he flipped out when I asked him to check all possible aspects of what could go wrong. It didn’t end well. I didn’t think my solicited advice would gone wrong. And now I am googling how to fix my smart mouth. For reference, English is my second language and I am trying my best and feel like I walk on eggshell everyday not to say the wrong words.

@Blackzoro2023 9 месяцев назад

What you’re doing is called micromanaging or undermining him. Don’t give advice if it’s not asked. Don’t question someone’s work. It makes them feel like they’re incompetent or even a child

@user-sm1jp4en9u 3 месяца назад

@@Blackzoro2023 You are right and women do it all the time. It pisses me off seeing how only men are accused of being patronizing in a relationship but everyone ignores the other way round.

@olafweyer859 Месяц назад

@@user-sm1jp4en9u My sister is like this. God help me.

@megnelli 18 дней назад

Hubby’s behavior sounds immature imo with the limited context I have. Take with gain of salt. He could just be projecting his own insecurity. 1) his pride 2) he asked and then picks fights when you answer. Depending on the level this can escalate to abusive behavior and they can do it to try to harm your self worth/confidence because they feel like you’re smarter and are threatened by it.

@miscellaneousSLUDGE Месяц назад

You're a hero , thank you Dr. ❤🙌🫶

@partlyblue 6 месяцев назад

Beautiful video. This video very much aligns with how I expect other people to be considerate of their tone. Unfortunately, for that reason I'm unsure if it's wise for me to show this to my girlfriend. I'm unsure if I'm falling victim to the confirmation bias believing this to be truth, perhaps I'm actually not taking enough accountability for how I react to harsh tones (to clarify: I feel deeply hurt and angry at both myself and the situation. It's not until this happens several times that I start talking back in the same tone). Dang, autism sucks

@OurDreamsInMotion 3 месяца назад

Coming from a situation similar to this myself. It turned sour because I shut down and didn’t voice how their tone made me feel and it caused resentment to form. I know it feels vulnerable and you fear their judgement but be transparent as quick as you can. My advice is to create a safe space to open up a discussion by telling her hey I have a suggestion that will improve us being able to better communicate from a loving space and I want you to know that I want us to work but when you address me in a condescending and critical tone it can chip away at my confidence and cause me to feel less connected. Offer an example of two ways something can be said so she can realize how different it sounds when you speak from your higher self versus the ego.

@Smudge324 4 месяца назад

Jesus, thank you so much for this. Really helps clear up how I’m coming across and why. Brilliant, thank you!

@typicalmama 5 месяцев назад

I've been accused of being condescending but I'm a manager and I'm trying to learn how to help without sounding like I'm better etc

@paulshinn805 Год назад

Very insightful for myself, gonna have to change…🎉

@bianca457 Год назад

You're great. Don't go anywhere fast.

@amyjbelanger Год назад

Would love to hear how to navigate this with business partners, when each partner has different areas of expertise, and there isn't time and space to bring both partners as fully up to speed as they'd like (because that would require serious, long term education).

@jessicamejia2010 11 месяцев назад

Very helpful! especially on social media, trying to be helpful because I empathize but they never asked for my advice. my goal now is if I can't offer a helpful comment for what they are looking for to move along. Venters are my big downfall- social media-wise, i hope.

@olafweyer859 Месяц назад

I am subject to this by my older sister, we are both in our 50s and the only luke warm positive emotion I can bring myself feeling for is.... indifference. And that already takes all my strength. Imagine what I would feel if i let all this patronizing get to me! Naturally, I felt it from time to time. I think she might be reason I've become more or less of a stoic..

@aninsidestory Год назад

Thank you for this!! ❤⭐️💜

@YvetteErasmusPsyD Год назад

You are so welcome

@magicmas Год назад

Very well said! Thank-you.

@brittatimmermans241 10 месяцев назад

How do I avoid being patronized when a job coach talks to me that way? other people adopt this because they think they have to talk to me like that. I find this very annoying because I don't feel seen or heard or taken seriously, and I don't feel connected to other people and that makes me depressed. I feel so small that I find it very difficult to say anything about it. I said something about it once, but she still does it and that makes new employers and colleagues think that they should treat me that way. It gives me a lot of frustration and I am also a quiet person, so people can easily think that they should treat me that way. especially if my coach continues to do that all the time.

@xstevenx8132 Месяц назад

Did you ever figure this one out?

@gmanko1x Год назад

your eyes are just beautiful! can't get away from them :)

@windermere2330 3 месяца назад

She has nice hair too!

@338holly Год назад

How do you do that when you are in the role of an expert? People come to you for the expertise, accuse you of this and still expect service. How can you "check yourself" without sounding stilted?

@damoodaiki 8 месяцев назад

woah. that's "butt-hurt" on a whole other level. they pay you to get butt-hurt and then complain about it😂🤣defensive much

@WallStreetWill86 Год назад

I don't know, I always felt the way a person reacts to what they are told says more about THEM than the person delivering the message. Unless, of course, they are being verbally abusive and cussing or belittling; The only thing that should matter is whether the person has a point and is making sense.

@olafweyer859 Месяц назад

You establish a hierachy between the one you talk to and yourself when you critizise or patronize. I won't accept your establishing that hierachy. I will already not take in what you have to say, I have to contest you on the hierachy. It's not your place. I won't be down and you won't be high up. I won't have that! It disgusts me. I myself meet everyone eye to eye. It's called respect. You are not above me. Nobody is.

@WallStreetWill86 Месяц назад

@@olafweyer859 it really doesn't matter if you consider it a hierarchy or condescending. The bottom line is in life there are consequences for the wrong decisions and failing to take good advice. How you see it is irrelevant. You will be left to deal with those consequences alone.

@olafweyer859 Месяц назад

@@WallStreetWill86It doesn't matter as it pertains to the matter at hand, but it matters in regards to the relationship we have. And as for "you will be left to deal with those consequences alone"? Unironically wonderful, that"s how I prefer it, it's called agency and being able carry ones own burdens. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I learn from that, not from you, you aren"t really needed for this.

@WallStreetWill86 Месяц назад

@@olafweyer859 I hear what you are saying but that don't change the fact that you sound more like a spoiled teenager than a rational adult. Your whole point seems to be about just doing what you want to do. That is for kids, not grown-ups. I may not be needed however i am still here. You will just have to deal with it.

@olafweyer859 Месяц назад

@@WallStreetWill86 Never was spoiled, never got anything handed to me and I'm in my 50s, thanks, lol. I'm an INFP (Myers Briggs,Carl Jung personality theory), I have my own brutal inner critic and don't need other people on top. If I don't ask for your advise or help you're just being patronizing and pretentious. And I won't have that. Well, perhaps. There is a German expression Der Ton macht die Musik (it's the way you're playing the notes, that makes the music), meaning, if your help is paired as condescension you get the boot. You are right, you're still here, in the commennt section. In real life you might just be out of my life already. Because I said so. Depends.

@338holly Год назад

I've been accused of this since I was 3 years old. And it sounds like there is no way out.

@AliciaMarkoe Год назад

thank you 🦋

@YvetteErasmusPsyD Год назад

You’re welcome 😊

@johnrainsman6650 13 дней назад

*@Yvette Erasmus, PsyD* Question for you

@reypolice5231 8 месяцев назад

Wow, I grew up with: your work Sucks, or that's good work. I didn't get upset about it. If my work sucked, I tried to do it better. If I couldn't do better I got fired and went someplace else to work. To my great surprise, every place I quit, said you are welcome to come back. I didn't because I quit because of low pay. Almost Every place, I got fired from called me to come back after they fired me. I told them I have a job for more pay or just no thank you.

@waveexistence3512 9 месяцев назад

Could calling someone boss be a way to patronize them? I get called boss a lot by people I don’t know almost every day. I’m a pretty muscular guy and I think that’s probably why but I get the feeling a lot of these people are trying to subtly assert dominance because of that. Am I crazy? 😅

@Kram668 Год назад

Wow right on the money 💰

@Timefairyjina Год назад

Tell the truth

@prakashs8150 7 месяцев назад

You are so beautiful

@lyallfairburn1275 Год назад

I did not find this helpful. I found this to be blaming the person that is being accused of being patronizing the one at fault. Instead of making the person that is feeling this way be in charge of their owen feelings. making the first person need to change how they are and how they talk to another adult because they don't feel the need to take it for what it is rather they are trying to turn it into a personal attack because they have some kind of trauma in there owen life. So rather then be aware of that they are trying to change other people rather than correct the trauma in them selves.

@evaamour Год назад

Hello love, just an fyi one of the first things she said was to check if it’s true or not, so if you did check and found that in your case it’s not true as in that you are indeed NOT being patronising, than you probs don’t have to worry about the other things she said after that, this whole vid is basically just giving insight for a person who is indeed being patronizing and how they can perhaps go about that🤍 Just for reference that Time stamp is: 1:00 Aka if you’re accused of being patronizing, even though your not being patronizing, you ain’t got nothing to worry about your good haha🌞🤍 She was also just mentioning maybe why sometimes people do that (misjudge/accuse) , which as you said has nothing to do with the misjudged/ accused but it’s in good character to have an understanding on it

@zyeborm 10 месяцев назад

It also matters if you care about the other persons feelings. Like if its your partner saying they feel this. They do feel it, it's up to you if you want to change so they don't feel it or if you want them to change.

@Gebruikersnaam35 7 месяцев назад

I loved her video. Always check : maybe you are condescending. Not impossible.Take some responsibility. To accuse the other party of trauma just because they do not accept your words as you think they should, does sound rather patronising.

@lovesharose2960 7 месяцев назад

Trauma or not, being patronizing is not cool and shouldn't be done to other people. Sure someone should take accountability for their own feelings, but at what time do patronizing people take accountability for being shitty people?!!!!! 🤔🧐🙄

@lyallfairburn1275 Год назад

People are week no a days.