Doormat Covert Narcissist Turns Primary Psychopath 

Covert narcissists hardly ever emanate or deflect feelings associated with situations, experiences or events and if they do it’s very subtle. In other words you don’t feel like they are part of anything in your life , they are very disconnected emotionally and physically from everything. Anything you experience with a covert narcissist is like you are experiencing it on your own.

This describes my ex. If I went into detail, I'd be here for hours. When you mentioned that something is just not right and they are fake.. yes. That sums it up. He was just kinda empty but had this anger and resentment you could sense but was expressed in very 'covert' way. He put on a a woe-is-me, I've been so mistreated persona. I felt like he wanted me around to boost his ego and cook for him, never giving much back in return. Great video

As a covert narcissist who has been forced to learn some very harsh truths, I can confirm this man just explained my entire mindset in this 1 video. It was like listening to a biography watching this video.

Covert narcissist are void. Maybe that’s why he never would tell me how he felt inside because there was nothing there.

Exact words I used so many times... "There is something wrong but I can't put my finger on it" . There is no way to describe this feeling to anyone unless they have lived it and I hope you never have to.

When they want to take out revenge, everything covert about them is thrown out the window and they become monsters!

It shook me to my core when I realized my father was a grandiose narc and my mother was a covert narc...Very chaotic and confusing childhood and adolesence... it truly destroyed my self-image and self-worth and self-esteem..my mom turned me into a care giver for herself like I had no other reason for my existance but being at her service.. I hope one day I can recover..

The most dangerous person in the world , you could go years in a relationship and think this person is loyal

Sam, This is one of your best videos in my opinion. I am a covert narcissist and you have explained literally every exact detail of who I am and my experiences including the transference into a psychopath. Literally I am the “man” you are describing without ever meeting me with disturbing accuracy. I am in a phase of finally transitioning into a psychopath. The main reason why I know it’s coming is not just the plotting thoughts about taking from the world as you’ve said, which I am doing. It’s the void is growing bigger. I feel the emptiness inside myself becoming even more extreme than it was before. It feels unsettling. It’s like a hole in the ground that’s expanding and slowly swallowing me up. My absolute desirelessness peaked last month where I truly desired nothing. Not even my clothes to be washed. But it has slowly been being replaced with feelings of misanthropy. Disgust, repulsion and spite for society and humans in general. I see them all as users and liars and I want to take from them now. My only motivation to do anything now is to take, legally but pushing it, not because I actually give a shit about the thing I’m doing or the money or cars or success I may have. I just care because it takes from society and the scum in it. Because it might wound ex partners or ex business partners to see my success. That’s my only motivation. I used to be motivated by narcissistic supply. Primarily in the form of women. Now that supply has little to no effect on me at all. No supply really has any effect on me. Nothing fills the void anymore. These videos are therapeutic, I know I won’t change. Maybe I’ll become a psychopath, def getting there. But I’m not going to ever be normal or healthy. You can’t gain a self when you don’t got one. It’s like being being born without an arm and going to therapy so you can imagine your way to growing it back.

I got abused by an overt narcissist in another country, when I got home the covert narcissist gave me sympathy and said out loud even my thoughts on that matter....until the covert ghosted me and left me cold. It was the covert narcissist that hurt me the most. The overt is a bully and others know it too, hes out there but the covert....chilling.

“In the case of the Classic Narcissist you have a child. In the case of the Covert Narcissist you have an absence.” Thank you Sam. This brought me great breakthrough and understanding.

All of those "diagnosis" are "grown wounded children". It is so sad to see so many broken people suffering through the life, hurting each other.

The people pleasing of a covert narcissist is simply a manipulative game.

One of the most damaging personality types you will ever encounter. Recovery is proving to be a long process.

“Doormat covert narcissist” perfect description of my ex. He constantly put himself in situations to be “used” and when it would happen he wouldn’t interfere with someone taking advantage of him (like a property manager unfairly and unjustly tacking on extra charges etc). I was always so confused why he never spoke up for himself in those situations. I can’t watch this, I’m having ptsd return. I left too late and it cost me my health in a very serious way.

This describes my experience exactly! 40 years married to the covert when he went into his psychopath mode. I left five years ago at age 70. Fortunately, I had a kick-ass attorney who understood who we were up against and I prevailed!! As you indicated, I have been listening to many you tube therapists, who have helped me but not to the extent of your videos. Very clarifying- thank you!

You make it so hard to not feel bad for my abusive narcissist wife. I really don't want to leave her because I understand how broken she is, but at the same time I can't let her damage me any further. Such a conundrum.

My covert ex told me he did not want to be with me then sat on the floor and watched me sob on my bed. I asked him why was he still there just watching me blankly? And he just said he was just staying with me. Like an assurance to me. When I think back now, I think what a weirdo, and I feel a psychopathic man. A truly broken man damaged by his narcastic, bully father. Like father like son. It makes me feel sick to know I was living and married to this man for 16 years and had no idea who he was and how much hate and resentment and jelousy he had towards me. So glad I’m out of it and away from him

This video is terrifyingly accurate.....

I felt so stupid wasting 7 years of my precious life on “polishing the turd” that was the covert narcissist that I turned on myself and developed a serious autoimmune illness. I felt I couldn’t walk away from him because I didn’t want to admit to myself that my whole relationship was fake after putting so much of my effort into making it “work”.

This would help explain the complexity of the covert. At times appearing like A borderline but not quite fitting, desperate for whatever they're missing, appearing pitiful and sweet at times, acting as an altruistic/communal narcissist to a ridiculous degree, then acting like a sociopath to get what they want, doing whatever it takes to be seen as a victim, going where the money is and the supply, however they can get it, rage simmering underneath and sometimes letting the rage fly.

This was incredibly terrifying. I lived with a man for 5 years who was lovable, fun and bit eccentric or off. I was blind to the covert narcissism, he was always doing things for me and never fought me on any request, etc. When I finally broke up with him because of substance abuse issues I was literally blindsided by his anger and hostility. I felt he was psychopathic and this video has helped confirm my intuition and terror. It has explained what I didn't understand- how someone could go from the harmless doormat to an utter horror film (think the recent Joker movie) character. I never saw it coming. Thank you for taking the time to make this video and all your great work on youtube

So brilliantly explained! The covert narcissist I know wasn’t even good at deceiving...just a very bad con artist. Just a black hungry hole that can never be fed. No contact is the only way.

The best descpription of my ex, especially how he would provoke aggression/frustration and then afterwards you feel guilty for being angry at them. They have a way of making you feel sorry for them even when theyve been the biggest jerks. They can have toxic behaviour but because of their pity aura surrounding them you easily get blinded and distracted. These dynamics are hardly really understood out there even by professionals. You're always doing such a good job at exactly describing and understanding them. Thank you for your work, very much appreciated and I finally feel not alone and crazy!

1/2 of my life being played by a narcissist. I never left because I thought he would hurt himself and the kids would hate me. Finally asked him to leave, left, and committed suicide. I damaged myself and my kids for nothing. 1/2 of my life was a lie. And it makes me feel as if I had babies with a stranger. I’m forever grateful to Prof Sam for validating what I knew to be true.

So spot on. It took me years to figure out what was wrong with the man I’m married to. It’s this. I observed a switch. And I experienced the psychopath. And I experienced his mortification as his psychopath was forcing me to have sex with him. He said, “I’m not a rapist….”, and looked pathetic, but still continued. At the time I was extremely depressed and scared of him. He was acting really crazy. He’s back to doormat, but never again will I give him control over me or my emotions. I’m getting a divorce.

It's not a breakup or divorce, but an attempt at your complete and total destruction.

Thanks for explaining how covert narcissist "reframe the story" when they get burnt to try to show they were in control of the situation. That was the one aspect I have observed with these mousy, vulnerable narcissists and it confused me until you explained it. A relative has ghosted me literally after being thwarted and frustrated in attempts to find and maintain higher social status.

It's so true! He would always complain about being taken advantage of at work or by his family but when I would say do something about it, the switch would go on and I would experience the RAGE. Thank you Sam for sharing this incredibly insightful video!!!

I was with a guy and we had an argument and i went to bed and when I woke up and came downstairs he was sitting in the same spot like he hadn't moved the whole night. Just sitting there wide awake like he had been plotting my murder. It was creepy as fuck.

I watched a covert narcissist morph into a primary psychopath after separation in our relationship for a year. This was the most terrifying experience of my life. I described it as an outer shell dominating the partner I had known for 20 years. The doormat woke up and reinvented themself as a sadistic dominatrix... fulfilling their need for control and sudo control. This occurred after re establishing a relationship with their sadistic narcasstic mother. You explained this phenomenon perfectly in my experience.

I dated someone like this. She appeared sweet, and caring at the beginning, but the whoa is me business soon became the norm. I thought I was just being supportive and patient. Then, she began disassociating occasionally she would become psychopathic after a few drinks or an normal inconvenience. I walked away from her and dating for a while to find myself again. It took years.

The first understandable explanation of a covert narcissist and why they are confusing and exhausting. must be very exhausting to live as one.

This covert narcissist, I know cannot get over a homeless person that he met on the street rejected him and told him to go away and never talk to him again. He kept referring to how hurt he is about how he was treated by the homeless person months later. I tried to explain the homeless person obviously has his own problems, possibly some mental issues and not take it so hard that the homeless person spoke like that to him. He looked at me with astonished eyes as if what I was saying was so out of his way of thinking. Now I realise that this was because he is totally unable toT put himself in others shoes, lacking empathy for others .

“Lack of core”… such a critical concept to understand. It takes a long time to really recognize this is the reason something feels OFF, even through the incredible love-bombing, where he invests all of his adoration on the victim as though she were a goddess.

Love your videos Sam, so incredibly true, but I loved my covert for 30 years in spite of his anger outbursts, complete neglect of all family relationships, secretiveness ect because I knew of his childhood trauma and I knew nothing about narcissism . I left when I realised he has betrayed our marriage and refused to take responsibility . My children and I were “dying” inside and because he did not want to seek support and lacked complete awareness of his impact on all of us, but he was so loved, he just pushed us all away .

All I can say is that something doesn’t seem authentic or genuine! So I can’t go back!

My mother had definite covert narc traits; always people pleasing but in a way that then gave her more reason to disdain and trash talk them behind their backs. As stated here she was engineering the people pleasing; for herself in order to nurse grievances and feel victimised. Towards the end of her life she may even have approached psychopathy when she began frequently exploiting a little known loophole in state consumer law to get refunds on purchases without returning the goods. In her dotage in her nursing home, she would consistently get the other residents's names wrong, and even this seemed like a smug form of superiority. It was very damaging and confusing to be raised by her and the "ambient abuse" took its toll. It was like escaping from sticky spider web to gain insight and understanding. Thank goodness for RU-vidrs like Prof. Vaknin.

Totally true, especially the part when u feel really guilty when reacting in an aggressive way to all the passive aggression and negativity coming from the narcissistic partner. One feels that the other person has some serious trouble inside, but u can’t give it a name: depression, anxiety, paranoia, trauma? But compassion doesn’t help, no healthy form of support helps. And when u put boundaries and take away the attention and intents to change the negative mindset: you get the full load of ignoring, sabotaging and projecting… A very painful realization that u can never “resolve” the problem.

My god! This describes my ex to a T. I'm shocked at how accurate it is and also want to cry. As Dr. Sam just said, go no contact as soon as you feel something is off. I've wasted ten years with my ex and with it I lost my sanity, my integrity, and my will to live. He will cling to you so go no contact and don't listen to his pleads. If you do so, you might never get out of his terrifying labyrinth of hatred, envy, and passive-aggressive behavior. I wish I had any awareness of how a person could be that dangerous.

Thank you for explaining this to the world. I interacted with a covert. I realized he was very dangerous, I saw evil on him. His face was distorted. He was very malice in the relationship. Gaslighting, cheating, evil tactics, mind games, etc. it was crazy how he acted very immature at 50 years old. It felt like he was a robot and he never took accountability for his actions and always blamed me. Total psychopath! I saw the transition right before my eyes. We work together and he stalks me at work. Sends his friends to say things to me but I don’t give any response....I just act like he doesn’t exist. No contact at all

WOW! You have just explained this in a way no other has even come close. This is the more informative than anything I've ever read, heard or watched in the whole 9 years of research on covert narcissism. You have opened my eyes! Thank you so much!

This is one of your best videos Sam.

i would like to write some things that i have been through so you guys can see if something of those happened to you when you met this person,it seemed like they have been wronged by everyone they met before,they have been used,lied to,and they have been manipulated and exploited,the covert seems to be a talented person,a helper a hero,a person who would give everything to keep those she loves safe and well,after some time you begin to notice the false modesty,they seem like a maintenance-less person at the beggining,but little by little you begin noticing the passive agressiveness come out when you act in some way that,they had not predicted,the next thing you will notice is how this person seems to always avoid,deflect,find some excuse for not being a good companionship,they dont want to help you when you need something,even if its minimal,it looks to them like a chore,the more time goes one the more intrigged you get,you need to gather information about this person to properly acess his or her intentions,so you begin asking questions,but as their false persona is only one inch deep,you begin to realize that the answers are fake,unreasonable,pure creation of their mind or they do not reveal information,what is on itself a way of lying,if you keep pushing for the true self(that does not exist ) the psichopath will come out,to protect the false persona,i disagree with doctor sam that the psicopath hates the humble fake person,on my view they both work together to keep the illusion,they refuse to take responsabilty for their own neediness and anger,they will try in all possible ways acuse you of doing this to them,the more time ou spend with this person the less intimacy you will have,since you can see through the fake personas and there is no core,there is no good inside this person,despite them looking broken and suffering from the outside,you have no power to reach whatever creature is sad and crying and suffering,you will never have acess to this,even they dont seem to have control over this,despite your attempts to help this person get better,they will refuse to come close,they will attack you,they will push you away in the most cold way ever,they have no empathy,what makes me wonder why they would complain from suffering,and sadness,when they seem to not be able to use their own body and mind to stop it or to put themselves in a better position,they are literraly like watching their own lives from outside,from a distance,after some time you learn all about the fake person,it will look like a cartoon character,also something else i noticed,their false persona seems to be many times incompatible with their own age,many older men/women have a fake persona who is many years younger then they actually are(probably because of the failing reality test,they cant upgrade it ) they look like automated machines just acting with no knowledge of the reason why,that is quite scary,they many times dont seem to possess memories of anything,even if they studied in a field for 20 years,or worked at some nice job for 10 15 years,it seems they have never talked about that in the 4 years you have been togeether with this person,many of them also are unable to have dreams,or if they have they dont remember(this is from my experience only ,nothing scientific) they seem to have body dismorphia,they dont acept either aging or changes in looks,as if they are lamenting the loss of their younger self,the same way you would lament the loss of a cellphone or a piece of clothing,it looks almost as if they dont identify as their own body,as if they were outside,and their body was a gadget,what is also frightening to watch,they also have time lapses in my view,they may go 3 or 4 years without talking to you and when you see them again they will talk about the most random thing they know about you,as if it was yesterday,many times even you wont remember what is that they are talking about,they never process information about you or the situations or anything,its just like a person who owns a library but never reads a book or learns anything,they just pick up a random book and read it,for what i have seen they dont even seem to have a inner voice,or an ego who reflects,learn and so on,they will make the same mistakes 20 times and still seem surprised every single time

The intelligent covert becomes the best analysis machine ever to exist.

This resonates with me so much after being married to a covert for almost 18 years. I've never heard the doormat term, but it really describes him well. This sheds so much light for me. The song that always reminds me of my experience with him beginning to end is Self-Esteem by The Offspring. These are emotionally empty, lonely, non reciprocal and damaging relationships. The relationship is transactional at best. It's quite sad. It felt like a business arrangement.

DAMN THIS IS ON POINT🎯 GOOD GRIEF💯 MY LORD. Utterly Shocked! My heart was racing listening to the accuracy of this....They make the woman fall in love with a totally mirage...when it starts in honest, she realizes he conned her to fall in love with a fake ....OMG!!!!!!! DECEIVED AND LIED TO.. SHE Then is ANGRY, hurt, in pain, AND UPSET BECAUSE She Realizes how gullible she was, how fooled she was!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG I saw all of these signs, KNEW something wasn't right, I was even able to pinpoint some of the traits, but didn't discover, it had a name, until after it was over. Wow.

Yes. The alert was on! I always knew that he was disconnected. That's the best way I could describe it. Even in pictures he looked so disconnected.

Omg when you describe the feeling of realising that there are other processes going on in his brain and the hrs spent trying to prize one of those doors open to no avail. This subject is more complex than l ever could have imagined. Thank you for describing so eloquently what l went through and how it has changed my life completely in terms of how l see personality disorders in general. It seems most teenagers l see these days are all displaying these characteristics and all on meds 😢 So sad ... All we can do is educate ourselves and heal one generation at a time

Thank you! I have walked away. Dealing with this trauma is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life.

I survived 18 years with one and when the mask came completely off I was devastated, there were many red flags throughout the entire illusion we call a relationship that I brushed off. she convinced another man to marry her and I hate the fact that he too will have to experience such a relationship

This is BRILLIANT. The most insightful account of covert narcissism I have ever come across and has described my partner of nearly two decades to a tee, it also describes why I am scared to leave him. He is the SWEETEST man that you will ever meet in a way that seems lovely but really he is absent and he doesn't seem to get pleasure out of life unless it somehow involves me. He will also do ANYTHING for me until he switches and then the other person comes out.....

My sister is a sociopathic narcissist and a heartless cruel monster..

This is a perfect description.. I have never heard, read or watched a better video on this topic.

“Weariness pity revulsion and contempt” is exactly how I feel for my covert narc EX, strangely though, all of his “people” think that of me it seems and like I’m the bad one. I am a codependent borderline woman with a mother who is a histrionic yet covert narcissist, I think your videos have helped me to gain the insight I needed to have the “efficacious” control that is so lacking typically. I still struggle but your videos have helped me when I have wanted to act out. So true we (borderlines) do ALWAYS act out, even if not toward others it will be onto oneself.

I really like your research based knowledge, its calming to listen to you. It made me aware of the limited and the emotionally fueled misinformation I was consuming of some of these self proclaimed experts. Hope you keep posting.

I literally stood up and clapped for you when the vid got over, Vaknin. What a talk!

The deeply insightful way, you’ve described and explained, doormat covert narcissist, truly deserves an award of the highest level! Sam thank you for your tireless and abundance of amazing work! You are a blessing. 🙏🏼💙💚💜💗

My ex to a Tee . Made me very poorly and my nervous system went crazy . 5 years of crazy . Now no contact forever

These videos have helped me so very much. I has a borderline mother, which I only found about from my therapist in my late 40’s. I am now healing with a 88 year old uncle from the same side of the family and he is almost driving me crazy. Even though I have had so many years of therapy…I am not able to disconnect from the relationship, as he is in charge of a lot of family money and I am the only family member left and am charge of taking care of him at this stage of his life. I am at my limit of coping with this distinction. These videos have been very helpful. I am hoping to keep it together until the end….So very triggering and almost impossible for a 59 year old woman whom is balanced from extreme dysfunctional family dynamic from years ago having to be confronted all over again is almost torture. A human can lonely take so much dysfunctional torture, however, I have not much choice given protecting family financial legacy- it’s almost not worth it…

It’s extra scary when the covert then seems to study ( after being accused of covert narcissism… ) and memorize behaviors or words to try and gaslight you further that it is all you.. and then … he still shows up. He can not hide who he is, but they can get smarter. The jacked up state they have imposed on you/you allowed your self to be in makes this harder to escape once you realize, it draws out the exit much longer than is healthy for any of you.

Dr Vakin, i just spent 3 months in isolation because i cannot trust myself round others. Everything you said about the passive narcissist is true. What i have decided to do is focus on the positive aspects of myself and avoid toxic people. If someone is being toxic i just stay calm or walk away, because i know about the psychopath side that gets triggered. At work i believe that someone knows what i am are are deliberately placing me in stress both inside of work and outside of it. Another words someone like yourself is trying to trigger my MPD, the protection, the hard shell, the reaction. Now i know myself i can start enjoying life again. Great channel, thankyou so much, like a weight off my shoulders. Off to play golf and relax and have fun. I have been self medicating with alcohol for 3 years. Drinking less, have a plan for the future finally.

My ex was a mix of covert and cerebral narcissist...after 5 years I managed to finally get away after many attempts of trying to leave and being hoovered back...I alwsys thought he was bipolar until one dsy I sae a video on RU-vid on narcissism....Its been 18 months now and I am beginning to become myself again...Its a long road to recovery..When I left I was an empty shell, no confidence, no self esteem, absolutely broken..thankfully my family gave me so much support..

I’m married to one. Only this one week now do I realize this. For 26 years of confusion, lies and coldness trying to find a way to fix this. Not wanting to go out on my own. Yet thinking that this is so bad that we should not be together. He has managed to convince me that I can’t make it on my own. I’m fearful that he is correct and bow down to do his wishes. Keeping the peace so that we can live together in misery for me, but for him it appears a smug contentment Not showing any emotions. And so it goes around and around. Lonely, heartbroken, trapped, angry and sad. My attempts to approach him for discussion about these things is met with severe “punishment”. Like if you thought this life stinks-try this! Now that my eyes are open I am thinking there is very little chance of any thing getting fixed. Asking for us to go to a counselor also has proven to be a big mistake. To learn about narcissistic behavior is very difficult. I’m feeling physically sick and know that I need to take action. See a counselor on my own, pray a lot and get real smart.

I'm not dating anymore there's too many psychosis out there. Every guy I meet seems to crazy...I'm out 😅

Question for Sam Vaknin on the point of the narcissist having a cloud, rather than a core. Most non-cluster B people seem to have a sort of reservoir of positive feelings. By this I mean if they experience good luck, good fortune, or some other form of serendipity, the sensation of pleasure seems to linger beyond the moment of acquisition. For example, if a boss who is normally stingy with compliments tells a non-cluster B that they did a good job on the recent project, the non-cluster B has a positive feeling for the rest of the day, and beyond. And this holds true even if there is a bit of bad luck later in the day, like a flat tire or mustard stain on a favorite shirt. The narcissist, on the other hand, seems to lack this reservoir. They certainly would appreciate the compliment, perhaps more than the non-cluster B, because it represents both validation for a job well done AND narcissistic supply. But the slightest bit of adversity, even five minutes later, sends the narcissist into a tizzy, or even rage. Is this related to the difference between a cloud and a core?

My God this is mind-blowing. It is like you were in my relation with us. After 4 years, a while a go i spoke to him and i told him that he painted me a person at the begining, but at the end i discovered he is like snake. Just to lie, cheat, flirt, hide.... And he never said the truth. About anything. Even if i was asking me if he is raining outside, he was telling me that is raining, just to get rid of me and to not ask him anything. I was warching your otherd videos and he somehow didnt fit, but now when you talk about the covert, it is him!!! Always calling and asking:do this, bring that, do for my sister, bring my brother.... All his relarives he put them on my back. And if i dared to not do it, inediatly he was geting agressive and start to fight and was telling me: remember this, because ill not forget it and you will see it later! Once i told him that even the wall understands more than him. And if i wanted to discuss anything about us, he was telling me: oh come one, it is not important, let it go. He has a hair dresser, and he flirt with all women there, and he told me that he likes to make them run after him and when they like him, he ignores them. This makes him feel important.

Almost everything you said matches what I've observed with my covert narc sibling. He is manipulative, but it's all "trial and error". He refuses to be in new social situations where he can't manipulate people or conceal who he is. I wholeheartedly agree with merging all Cluster B personality disorders into one category. It just makes sense that way, particularly with severe cases. I've seen my covert narc's illness morph and worsen over time.

Thank you very much, Sam. This video-article is really interesting and thought-provoking. As always, amazed by your intellect and ultimate precision!

Thank you Sam...this provides me some insight into some puzzling recent experiences with a covert narcissist who was my best friend for 3 years and then suddenly attacked and discarded me. It isn't a good feeling to know I was fooled all that time...because I gave her time, skills, and work in the illusion I was being a friend.

Wow- You did an awesome job explaining this! Wow!

This is one of your best videos. ⭐⭐⭐ You are a Genius! You have just confirmed my ex of 7 years. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong but from the very beginning I knew there was something off. And it felt malevolent but his actions showed the exact opposite. My intuition was right all along 😔. I got my closure because of your precious information, Sam. Thank you for your work & wisdom. 🙏🌻 Bless you 🦋

FINALLY someone that makes me understand the mechanisms behind it! you're right about a lot of the info out there. You really know what you're talking about, else you wouldn't finally make any sense in the jungle of click-baits :D

Another truly amazing listen. Thank you Dr. Sam Valkin 😊

Professor, I was able to detect what you have stated! and as awful as they create themselves to be, whatever they endured prior, must have been even worse., but at the end, it becomes unbearable to live with a person, which even at an advanced age you can't detect a possible change. Thank for the clarity of your expertise!

This is actually incredibly sad

"...if they made it happen, then they *made* it happen. They started it; they controlled it." I've noticed how so many narcissistic traits fall into what a cult (with which I'm very familiar) promotes and implants into members. This cult forces narcissistic thoughts and behaviors on members and gets them to believe that they, as individuals, cause every little thing that happens to them. It is the hive mind at its finest. When I left the cult, a breakthrough was realizing that some things that happened to me were not caused by me. Accepting that truthfully I could be the Effect (sometimes even a victim) rather than always the high and mighty Cause of everything.

Everything that has been talked about here is my next door neighbour's profile. In fact he has ruined my life, & I have had to involve the police against this psychopath stalker. If I had more money, I would have moved a long time ago. Now he is going through some negative karma, after what he has done to me, but in his mind he can't see where he went wrong and keeps blaming me for his actions.. Well done! Thank you. 👍

Rings true for me. My significant other was a physician until he destroyed that. He was very much as described, I can pick food and shows and what we did for nights out etc. It was like he didn't have an opinion, or didn't care one way or another. Being a physician however he had females always coming on to him so he had access and opportunities typical shy covert narcs would not. He had substance abuse issues that came to light. He literally did everything wrong to lose it all, each decision made was clearly the wrong one. Somewhere along the line I saw a change in how he treated me. Passive aggressive is the exact correct term for him, never confronted but always undermined. It's like loving a shadow, they're there with you but missing some particular feature that makes it feel like a comfortable relationship. I had wonderful years with him but wonder how much were calculated by him and if the whole time he was in there unhappy and acquiesced to things and became resentful. What a confusing relationship.He also played the victim always, it was never him in any negative interaction with anyone. No self awareness.

"Doormat covert narcissist turns primary psychopath." Great title, I believe that this was portrayed in Breaking Bad. Walter White was a covert narcissist who became a dark triad.

You are absolutely amazing I’m so glad you go so in-depth. I knew something was wrong with me but you’re the first person to explain it to me. I am a covert narcissist I didn’t know or maybe I didn’t look hard enough but I’ve been searching and stumbled upon this and it’s like a light switch came on.

Professor Sam, I just want to let you know that I have been educating myself about this since I am currently and I have just discovered that my boyfriend is a covert narc, and after all the information I went through and videos,; your channel and this video has summed it all up with a deep explanation and illustration of what is going on with these narcissists. I want to thank you for being generous to educate the public about this and your time and input invested in these videos. Thank you and all the respect to your knowledge and your thought process. Thank you!

I'm not a narcissist, but having a personality that seems to crave some adoration I can't help but to see some part of me in these descriptions. It absolutely isn't me to the degree that these behaviours are in a pathological narcissist, and it isn't something I'm not able to let go off, so shining a light on it feels healing. It's something to reflect upon. To some degree, I think non-narcs can gain these features in their personality when living in a narcissists world, like an imprint of their bleak world view. I find it especially important to remember to live fully and to feel fully, to embrace the negative emotions and especially grief relating to people. Trying, or pretending to be untouchable is not a mature behaviour. Human beings can not never fail. If you're never failing it's very probable that you are not trying.

I endured years of him breaking me down and alienating me from our children by being the “nice” parent - he refused to be a responsible parent, and he was their bestie doing their chores, and comforting them because mom was mean, and angry, and punishing. When I finally asked for a divorce, he said, “If you think I’m passive-aggressive now, wait until you try to divorce me.” He delivered by alienating my youngest child from me. Parental Alienation is spousal abuse and child abuse. ANY fight against shared parenting time in a divorce is the red flag one parent is a narc bent on destroying the other parent and using the child as a weapon.

The details in your explanation simply magnificent 😍❤️🌹 brilliant as usual Mr. Sam

The moment I knew I had to sever all ties was the moment I heard her say my name and felt it was covered in ice. Very much I appreciate these lectures Professor Vaknin. I remain teachable, great full to be in the audience of intelligent discourse.

I can appreciate how he brings these personality disorders to life with all these different scenarios and examples.

Brilliant man. Have you made a video that explains that due to the "Black and White" thinking, the Coverts hates you if you did the discarding? And always comes back in his cycles only to destroy you?

I remember that after I went to visit my ex after him begging me to come to his country he proceeded to treat me terribly. I played back a video of him begging me to return to him and it really looked like his brain snapped... he demanded that I close the video immediately. I wonder if this could be an example of the two of these personalities meeting.

It explains why growth and evolution never last. His "bad habits" would improve somewhat over time, then some bad news would come to him, then he'd snap back to black - he was never showing/living through his core. Whereas non narcs learn from their mistakes, or see the silver lining, and things get better somehow because the non narc can not afford to hurt their one and only core. Dr. Vaknin you are the only one who has been able to answer all the why questions which have kept me stuck for years. Thank you endlessly. I am waking up from a sick dream - as you also said, it's hard to accept that you have lived as a fool. It's been 16 days since he vanished and I am moving on with your help. I hope it does not take a long time to separate and individuate, and wake up into the world again and be present and adventurous like I was before. I barely know where to start, but I am trying. I look forward to your lessons.

Jekyll (doormat) and Hyde (psychopath).

Why do I watch these and get worried that its me with these issues? But any other day when I’m going through the situations with the narc I am convinced he definitely is a covert and I have been manipulated and highly abused for a long time 🤷🏻‍♀️ I feel like he changed me into someone I don’t like (and in this marriage I have reacted in horrible ways) but Then I feel like I’m just “blaming” every thing I do on someone else and that’s not right ...it’s so confusing the whole thing...

Every word about a covert narcissist is absolutely perfect. I have voiced every word to my Ex. Without really knowing that I was with one. I have shown him a mirror all my life, without realizing his mental state. But I got very Sick and have still not recovered physically. What can I do to recover physically from this imbalance. My intuition told me something was wrong but I did not listen to my instinct. I also had no place to go as he distanced me from my family and I was not financially independent.

And finally, I CAN understand what happened to my husband....

Amazing video! I’ve learned so much, healing from these experiences. You are spot on Professor!

thank you sam. I really appreciate your videos. I dont listen to anyone else on RU-vid regarding the subject of cluster b, I dont consider there content credible. I would put my life on it that I suffer from borderline personality disorder, I completely identify with your description of her. your videos are helping me to become self aware, respond rather than react and manage me personal relationships better. my mum was an an alcoholic and I suffered terrible pain in loneliness and abandonment as a child. I havent saw my paternal father since i was 4. I recently started to read the adult children of alcoholics red book. I am hoping this may be able to offer some kind of recovery or healing as I dont want to live in this world of pain anymore. your videos help me massively and I am so grateful for the service to others that you provide💛

So accurate he stole from his own grandma..They think their life is some kind of movie

"There is a limit to what any human being can tolerate, including narcissists. Many of them are human beings." Didn't expect to have a good old belly laugh when I started watching

They need to get rid of the covert narcissist label it needs its own catagory

Amazing Wow. Thankyou. This explains so much as to what has gone on over the last 10yrs. As well as what just occurred. Wow