DoubleSpeak, How to Lie without Lying 

I didn't lose, I succeeded at accomplishing the opposite of the assumed conditions for success

I didn't lose, I just assumed you were playing a non zero sum game, where my "losing" would facilitate your "winning" to maximise the total of gains.

@@Ludifant I like this, but it breaks the point of double speak. Doublespeak doesn't involve lying, however your comment does. Still an amazing excuse though!

I didn't lose, I have just been highly motivated on having empathy on all competitors

Well this one doesn't work as well because you can draw in some games.

And I know someone who sells propane and propane accessories

I had a friend that said "i manage the transactions of a multibillion dollar company" aka a McDonalds cashier

@Rose :3 lol maybe they're friends?

I knew a guy (I'm brazilian and so is he) who moved to new york to work with coffee and oil, meaning that he served coffee at a Petrobras office

@@garretc2148 You literally stole that

oh i have a corner office, with most of the city being in my visibility. i drive a bus

I really laughed at this one.

That's a big cemetery

Employer: What did you used to do for a living? Me: I used to put people under the blade

lmao !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it all makes sense now

"so you're stealing my money" "no, we're the government"

Kristjan Čebulj a self employed* asset relocation specialist

Just the person I hoped to meet. I have, here in this holster, an Asset Relocation Specialist Reducer.

​@@krazylevin Yes but are you a Certified Asset Relocation Specialist Reducer Management Associate?

Could also be a tax collector.

This is brilliant

Absolutely brilliant!

Infinite Resistance*

"Why doesn't my voice come out of the speakers?" "High disparity air gap between frequencies and broadcast equipment"

Amazed how many people know basic electronics well enough... Or can say a low signal to noise ratio or a super high THD

Few million dollars vehicle could be a tank

underrated XD

😂😂

Pog

“Corner office” is fantastic

It's not a delusion if you can describe it as one. You're not paranoid if you can can call yourself so. There's a lot of wanna be mental patients around who would do well to learn these points, and sharpen their attempts at psychiatric ruses.

Tell a lie often enough it becomes truth.

Paradox If a liar says, "I’m a liar." Yet, he was telling the truth.

@@knowingwhatthebuttondoes3432 Ruse

It's still a lie no matter how many people believe it, truth is irrelevant to belief , what is true will always be true, no matter what people actually believe, tge whole world could believe gravity no longer existed, but the minute someone falls off a cliff theyre going down.

the incredibles!

Lieutenant Dan (forrest gump)

LMAO! can win for losing.

That's an entire mood right there

@@EdFuller "lieutenant Dan!! ice cream!!!"

Louise ••• for some reason I hate and love you lol

I was a self hired professional semi-permanent bed tester, that specialized in a niche type of bed.

watch out for all of us being in rich schools and jobs

@@Deady4u sleep man

That's quite the promotion what did I do to deserve this?

😭😭

@Okapi Lizard

@Okapi Lizard the joke has flown over your head

@Okapi Lizard r/whooosh

anyone knows the simpelest graphs need the relevant data right? I learned that in primary school. No data, they might as well show me a Van Gogh...beautiful colors and lines but not very usefull

@@hetedeleambacht6608 They can have accurate data, but presented in a misleading way. A republican ad had crime statistics on it which seemed to suggest a democrat drug policy had increased violent crime because the graphs was upside down, when in reality it had halved violent crime.

That lack of a click is exactly what doublespeak is designed to foster....

Ok question, why is data that proves bias hidden? For instance, FBI crime stats from table 23 show that 13% of the population is responsible for 50% of violent crime. Yet, quoting this metric is taboo. Seems like bias towards bias. Its the whole intolerance of tolerance is tolerance. It has now entered the realm of ideology and not information or data.

@@viktorkyllingstad4188Link?

No, he works for the Chinese Communist Party

"Nonconsensual organ arbitrage" is the job title that his salary gets taxed under

Non-public human organ arbitrage. I would say semi-concensual but that's too negatively received these days.

"Nonconsensual organ arbitrage" is this Sseth rimworld refrence?

@@lecoqsclock1002 Of course fellow merchant!

🤣

no im not stealing comments, im just spreading the quote

"no im not stealing comments, im just spreading the quote"

Im not reposting memes, im disseminating visual art and knowledge

No I'm not stealing comments, I'm just spreading the quote

No. Romantic and entanglement just makes it worse. What you want to say is: I found this girl suffering from a clinically adverse effect due to the saturated inflammation of epinephrine. She was in a mentally critical condition that required a regulated oxytocin intake lest her lifespan is intermittently chopped short for lack of treatment and administration of the chordae tendineae cords. She had previously suffered a apical ballooning syndrome and needed a pulmonary heart bypass placebo to re-coordinate and connect her testosterone levels with her endocrine system body functions. Honey, she had a 5.30% chance of dying, within the next year, it's lowered now to .07% chance. I have potentially saved a life, she was possibly suffering tremendously because of her condition. I had to help.

@@acevaver5425 Please translate to dummyspeak.

@@acevaver5425 r/woosh

@@acevaver5425 J. o. k. e

@@vixx3535 I don't think you are using that correctly

😂😂😂

im from the government and im here to help.....

@@dustinh1583 You were dropped on your head too many times.

zero times zero is still zero

@Kevin Tewey what?

It's not RNG, it's infinite replay value features

right on spot

It’s not FIFA 2018, it’s FIFA 2019

Damn! You read my thoughts!

Stewardess.

Hey, HEY! no. Recouping is a necessary activity.

Ah being lazy.... I understand now.

Exactly

mmm... digital media, more like; the modernization of the previously non-though way of receiving information.

this. i like this

In the military it is known as "Appropriation".

surprise communism

That's what they use to extort people and make everyone happy with that, because taxes are "used for the people". You know, it's not theft, because you're a "Taxpayer".

@@369mfkzt2 exactly, it's not theft, it's just the government forcefully removing your money and using it themselves

😂

Yeah I’d be about ready to give that surgeon a “misadventure” if that happened to someone I care about.

You seem tough.

It's not murder It's stopping human function

7.59-fm [Closed] that is stopping human function for a proceedingly inproportionate excusably content of time

@@1Lainer1 No one can read this nonsense sentence; try again.

Nice!

I was going to comment you should say financial transactions, but then I remembered the cashier also hands you your food, which is product. Anyways, great line, will definitely steal for future interviews.

lmaooooooo

just saying, not an original comment

This one lol

This is very relatable

every teacher ever

my Spanish teacher once asked me and my friend to wait outside and she never came to speak to us just made us stand outside the classroom for 45-50 minutes until the bell rung

@@MyPussyBleeding-rn1mw big brain moment

@@MyPussyBleeding-rn1mw F I N E S S E D

We came to the conclusion that having foreknowledge of certain assigned facts would present us the better outcome.

Just get to the point of and we can't get to the solution. Double speak is a powerful and lead's to Miss leading The And can't get fixed

Mere wasn’t needed

@@HermeticallyHermeticThricGreat I was just thinking abt Schrodinger's cat and then saw your username

we are engaged in a mutual exchange of neural patterns for the mere and mutually beneficial purpose of enhancing the quality grade of our paper.

It reduces it by 36% percent, from 3 in 100 to 1.9 in 100. Look at the graph again. The statistic is not misleading, the graph is.

​@EvanG529 this this this. The 36% is a much better way to interpret that data than the 1%

@xperiment-rp7di thats simply not true

@@EvanG529 nah it doesnt how does it

nah, more like: I play a crucial part in one the most equitable industries present in today’s economy.

@@tommytimmy8441 👏

Lmbo

Im a dancer = Im a stripper

@@tommytimmy8441 Or I played a crucial role in the marketing of cinema to the public through the increase of current and future sales figures.

I feel attacked

Isn't that a quarter of what you learn in school school?

Extra-circular research *

689 lieks nice

@@smokingghost9781 u mean google

Advanced interrogation techniques

@@nihalu.7886 I don’t use Advanced I nterrogation Techniques I use Alternative words

I prefer to call it intensive questioning.

@@nihalu.7886 "but techno that's just tor-" "ENHANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES"

AND WE MAKE PEOPLE OUR SLAVS

nice

Lol I thought that what he meant

LilEric Inna'cut most gambling involves games, child.

@@mrfaade304 Okay, Boomer.

Just dont play rockstar or ea games. There is very little gambling if you avoid them 2 company's

Dispatching and actuation of personal liquidation.

from life

Is this a Blade Runner crossover?

from life

painting houses.

The blood do outside body

@@thedooktroops5608 00 ___

😂😂

That is not how verb number works.

He was unable to continue doing what he loved in this world.

Yeah, in spanish we call those "error 300: entre la pantalla y el asiento"

Government: That's what we do.

Robin hood

Communism be like

@@CrazyGuyVideos2005 that isn't Communism lol.

@@midnighthobbyt5161 lol dude, literally that is communism.

"From MY point of view the JEDI are evil!" --Some guy with opinions on sand

From my point of view the droids are evil

Nice

Kenobi was full of lies. Telling Luke that he'd never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than Mos Eisley. Or was it a lie? Because Luke never did make it to Gotham City, so I suppose Kenobi could claim his statement was true.

Exactly. For example: "Only the Sith deal in absolutes" So why did Yoda say: "Do or do not, there is no try?"

Well, we italians, you know...,

lmao i thought he meant "plumber"

Pretty sure he did, in the show his mob family is in the garbage business. I think that's what he meant, though you could I guess secondarily interpret it as an euphemism - maybe that's what the writers intended.

one more word, and it all makes sense - "human waste management consultant"

@@visdarfrankas human waste means poop though XD

😂😂😂

We even have armed security personnel

@@luciuskapahs5547 most prison guards aren't armed actually. Well they have pepper spray which is effective... sometimes.

sometimes you even get a room with TV, bed, toilet and shower all to yourself!

Don't we all 😉

*ruining a small village

-multi village diplomatic relation

-Inter-species Military Recruiter

-Village-clan-association experience

lmfao

How did that go?

I can't believe you're that guy

Yup I learned to write like this the hard way

I found my professor/TA gave me higher grades if I reflected their words used during the lecture. This also works in job applications when I describe duties I performed at previous positions and using the job announcement to shape my response using thier vocabulary. People are more receptive to what they are familiar with.

It's the only way to meet those length requirements!

I actually laughed out loud... congrats xD

Sounds like Jeffrey Epstein

also serving embryo fetus aborted cell food .

Sounds like Dan peña lol

Erika I knew a guy who would use that line almost exactly to pick up women, and yes he worked at McDonald’s.

Exactly.

@@bustergundo516 i find 3p the sweet spot, 2p too much extra folding and chews thruu the roll quicker, gottta undo and replace too often editA - actually might consider 4p if cheaper per ply but still to hell with 2 editB - this is my go-to

@@stevethea5250 I was talking about essays....

@@stevethea5250 what??

@@stevethea5250 hmmmmmm you never edited ur comment

@Traveling Burrito Salesman protomen baby!!

Haha that one "scientist" from Fallout New Vegas

@@futureshock382 fantiastic, that was his name iirc

@@futureshock382 damn you beat me to it.

A New Vegas reference caught in the wild!? I’m so proud

No the lawyer stated this: *"...It's not gambling, we call them surprise mechanics...it makes the players happy..."*

@@kingaragornii9940 tell me lies , tell me sweet little lies

@@kingaragornii9940 defintely doesnt make us happy ahaha

@@TheUltrasora Lol

Ea it’s in the game

@Auto Zam there os very little difference

@@sosig6445 Mobsters have to at least be vaguely competent to keep their "job".

except trump. he just striaght up lies. and i dont know whther to praise him for it?

Let me guess someone made a trump comment

@@hafe6659 stop i actually did-

the engineer

This guy, this guy, I’m going to use this.

Read this somewhere else before

@@philbytan284 where would anyone possibly write that anywhere else? lol

@@danielxmiller It's called the *original*

Trash man

He’s a trash man. It’s double speak because he’s trying to sound more professional than he actually is

No no, he's not dead, his primary metabolic processes have just stalled for an indefinite period.

Natural selection made him extinct... Nature taking course

No comment

The application of accelerated heavy metals objects into the persons body created a pressure imbalance that resulted in several essential bodily processes being impeded through cavitation and fluid leakage to the extent that the normal biological activity was severely hindered and eventually ceased. He will be missed.

He attack me with a chainsaw i got of right to defend myself

U copied this from another comment

I didn't but I'm not surprised that there are hundred of comments like this one way before made this comment.

Lol

@@anonymus3219 He did not "copy another person's comment," he merely rebuttaled the originality of a fellow entertainment enjoyer's statement.

Bank accountant People five me hundreds of bills from different currencies every day

Wouldn't: 'Where your gun was pointing' not be more accurate? 🤗😇 He was aiming for something else I can imagine ;)

with archery hitting where you were aiming can be at time tricky.

@@punchinatior560 You always hit where you aim, it's knowing where you are aiming that is the hard part :)

@@catalyst3027 Assuming an accurate weapon, you always hit where the weapon is aimed. However, the weapon is not always aimed where the shooter is aiming. If you throw a ball at a target and it misses, did you really hit what you were aiming for?

@@Roxfox no

You'd be surprised how fantastically effective it is, though. You can say the exact same thing, the thing with the exact same actual meaning, with two sets of words and flip someone from being curious and interested right over to vehemently spitting in your face with anger. Just saying the same thing from a different perspective can make people think you're saying two completely different things. For example, you can find in many places articles about "the health benefits of more sex". You will not, however, find articles about "the health dangers of abstinence." They're the same thing. The only difference is that in the first case, you are making the assumption that the audience is mostly abstinent, and that this is what they see as normal. In the second case, you're assuming the audience is having a higher amount of sex, and would lose the benefits of sexual activity by abstaining. But it's the same situation. They would cite the same studies. For instance, in one of the biggest studies of its kind in history, they found that those having, on average, fewer than 2 orgasms a week were twice as likely to die (from any cause) during the course of the study (which ran for years). Now, if you're having fewer than 2 orgasms a week, you could have more sex and move into the 'half as likely to die' group... but if you're already having 2+ orgasms a week, and you were to instead begin a life of celibacy, you would join the group which was twice as likely to die. This information is, in fact, reporting health benefits of more sex (for people having little), and health dangers of abstinence (for people having average or more amount). But, people will read a study about the benefits of more sex with a smile on their face, while they will get absolutely angry if you suggest that abstinence is a dangerous practice.

Increasingly verbose meme in a nutshell

Are you saying this from your full size aortic pump

You don't get it Dwigt.

Here abide the comparable of employing a reference book to each individual vocable

hello Zyphon again ^-^

I didn't see this first. I discovered this within the first couple minutes of this being sent into the the internet

Hi Zyphon :D

Hallo zyphon.

Overly simplified

I’ll use that one day

@@wouldyoulikesomewiessedtea8757 one day

ould you like some wiessed tea?

Would you like some wiessed tea? I, too, hope to manage carts one day

Haha you’re so clever!

So it blew up in the air 😂

Oh, it's okay to do that on a résumé...right?,right??

Rocketship explodes soon after launch: "We have had an anomaly".

Yeah I’m often referred to as a bullshiter but I prefer the term linguistically gifted

it’s ironic because whoever invented the word doublespeak just didn’t wanna be called a bullshitter

@@hiinsanity lmao

Flirting is a form of doublespeak too.

@@hiinsanity It's not ironic, it's just effective.

Literally

Usually white people are the ones that use double speaking.

Wisdom Seeker lol maybe because usually white people are the ones to have jobs in the first place... like what are you gonna do some corporate double speak in the hood? Or fruit markets? Or serving up some French fries at McDonalds???? LOL

@@christophersurnname9967 ouch, bitter punch of truth

Christopher Surnname wtf you talking about?

life pro tip

omg i use this a lot but as "i went to our fav place bc i was nostalgic "

@@gid5213 if you actually mean that it's nice tho

Brilliant!

I am writing this one down.

This is actully really useful for jobs

Or, in double-speak, "a lesson in the advantageous and continuous existence maintained by accomplishing viable economic stability by which is obtained through an open-communications towards the objective assessment of qualities and characteristics that are deemed highly preferable and desired from persons looking towards pledging assistance to a most required labour resourcing division."

For real haha.

@bobby ruest exactly.." What Is My time Worth to you" It Work's

Lol

I prioritized leisure time.

No I'm just waiting

ae86

That's actually what I say to my boss.

No absolutely not. I engaged in reasearch aimed at improving my performance at a later date.

*misadventure

A population modification initiative.

@@Isaiah-ft5nx 👍

An unmotivated vital energy misplacement resulting in unforeseen exponential negative growth in population of a select group.

a brief ethical realignment

Is it an MLM? No, it's a referral-based commission structure.

@Homelander Neil Postman Amusing ourselves to death

@@HarmonicWave its a structure that allows for people with income deficiencies start their own small businesses and help supplement their families' income while also being able to motivate people to start a business of their own.

Underrated!

No, it's a network marketing company. XD I heard this one today about Isagenix.

Lol no, I temporarily increased methane levels.

I facilitated a chemical transference process to increase the impact of pollutant detection in the local environment

K. LOUK the fungus and bacteria’s in my intestinal tract have just produced M2 and the muscles in my body have retracted as to reallocate the elements from my organism, into the atmosphere as a way to camouflage with mammals, more specifically the Mephitis (skunk).

An excess of pressure caused by vital and naturally occurring bacteria was recently resolved by my decision to expel said non-toxic excess into the atmosphere.

i enacted a gas pressure equilibrium status

Nope, you’re just self sufficient entrepreneurial botanist who uses there knowledge to create pharmaceutical products designed to make the patient get better on there own. Using your mobile situation your able to give away your products for the exchange of a piece of paper.

Or you're the one who knocks!

@@aero8893 Very few street pharmacists are self sufficient botanists, they usually have their wares delivered to them by the financially flexible familial conglomerates.

you're*

@@ijemand5672 thanks bro

@The Devil LMAOOO, I always knew there gotta be term for what i do in my essays all the time. It just really fills out the word count, yknow?

@The Devil HAHAA EXAAACTLYY

@@zacharydeleon6912 Bruh that idea really came into your head from Devil's comment and not from the entire video?

That's probably both factually and technically correct. There's a ton of businesses that just remarket other company's products.

@@SmallSpoonBrigade but not necessarily by definition.

>Fallout 76 disliked

N'wah

It Just Works!

underrated comment

@@dolemomo3417 true

Lol and look how they're saying surprise mechanics are nothing like gambling... when it's worse. Gambling that's a slim chance you can win. Loot boxes are 100% a loss. You never truely win aszz anything. They own whatever you think your getting in game. Just a matter of time of them shutting down servers or sequels getting released rendering all in game purchases worthless.

Ea games: Write that down Write that down

People can still see the comment you copied this off of

@@joshmaddie4665 they didn't copy they said in there own voice

@@xzcpv yes they forgot the ea: part. Blatantly stolen.

sounds like something the Joker said

@@ethansandberg5546 those are quotation marks

@@ribthiefz8283 when did quotation marks signify specific usage of a phrase by the Joker?

@@alexgulino335 lol

@@ribthiefz8283 also, i think here, the commentor is using quotation marks because this is supposed to be dialougue, not a quote that someone said.

Classic Seinfeld.

That is not correct

@@yanielacevedo654 Possibly Double's peak?

@@yanielacevedo654 its technically, but not factually correct. If you believe it, its the same as repeating false information that someone told you. Like, that Jeffrey Epstein did kill himself.

r/technicallythetruth

Nice one

🤣

Ah yes The ceramic sanitization specialist

I used to say I was a hydrothermal ceramisist wherein I ran ceramic dishes through a hot water tank aka dishwasher

A culinary implement decontaminator

I bet I can touch that untouchable location ;)

@@MyPussyBleeding-rn1mw vore fetishist confirmed

*_who said its an untouchable location? by the time im done, it will be very touchable_*

@@bottlebeard No its called cutting their stomach open.

the "no" part is a lie. think of doublespeak as "lies of omission". :)

I was a social scientist till I met my girlfriend... What is my maximum capacity on dating females same time still has not reached it's physical limit...

I distribute for Coca Cola - > I sell coke...

i know it's a joke but for me it's a huge shame do take coke tell me you don't take that ?

I call myself a wine & spirit enthusiast

@@dubstepphone Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it.

"I swear officer, he ran his face right into my fist! Repeatedly!"

"He ran into my knife, he ran into my knife ten times"

Tango down I murdered an human being.

@@KingR321 HE HAD IT COMIN'

@@KingR321 Jokes aside, this line actually worked in Russia. See case with Григорий Кочнев (Grigory Kochnev). Officially, he has committed a suicide by 4 stabs into heart during a conflict. I don't know if it can be googled in English, but, you have google translate if you really want details.

what

I need to know what this is

"Tails I win...Heads you lose"

bruh he says he wins if it's tails and you lose if it's heads meaning he wins anyway

Timothius Zamora thats cheating edit: maybe i should have put more sarcasm into my comment

Tolles wisdom is so simple yet most profound there can be found

How does he know there is much more to grasp then

@@arete7884 Do you think he could find an example to the contrary?

@@Lazerecho what do you mean?

that's deep

Lmao true

Only true if you define what people are by how they earn money

Same in NYC. Haha

I'm in public relations.

Cameron MacLean well yeah you live in California

That's a very cromulent point! It embiggens me to read more of what you write.

Or lawyer Or non profit

Politician, prosecutor, lawyer, agent, officer, pastor, priest damn near all public forums 🤦‍♂️😭

Or network newsliar.

@@krambone youtuber, youtube commenter. Although the last one wouldn't get you money, only virtual likes.

Doublespeak is only one skill, to be an attorney or politician you also need greed and guile, too! 👍

Imagine them having some rap battle.

Every single time

Keenan Jordan people who tell the truth are a lot more scary.

Homosapiens that specialize in this trade of language are the most frightening kind of homosapiens

Just improve your language skills by listening and reading more then practice speaking and writing

The narcissism language

Thank you And semantics are important

In germany we've got multiple words for Janitor. It goes in order from least ambiguous to most: "Hausmeister, Reiniger, Hygiene-Manager, Gebäudedienstleister, Gebäudedienstleistungsmanagement". So basically "janitor, cleaner, hygiene-manager, facility service manager and facility service management" and all describe the exact same, so obviously you'll use the more ambiguous ones for your CV

GRATITUDE 🤗

@@benanjerris6744 On the internet you call them moderators

thanks, gonna steal this.

yeah thanks, i might need this

I'm so glad I thought of this second first

"specific actions of preference" aka jacking off

I specialize in preserving the entropy of the universe, keeping the heat death of the universe from happening one 15 hour nap at a time.

Jeffrey Epstein

You are free to go sir, Godspeed.

😂😂

Assisted suicide

Involuntary assisted suicide is my new bandname

I know another one "It's not murder, it's involuntary life subscription cancellation of another entity".

Im adopted and I have always wondered if i was actually kidnapped

Human relocation program

lmaoooo bruh........ i like you man.... thats freaking hilarious!!!!1

😭🤣

Sorry, but I couldn't stop laughing

Most countries with oil have never been accused of having weapons of mass destruction.

Paddy Kornflayx neither they have wmd

@@buy_large_mansions oil could cause pollusion which in other words could rise the global temprature which could lead to extinction, and that is mass destruction😏

bravo

"I helped him rolling around"

🤣🤣🤣🤣lmao

I read this in Tony sopranos’ voice.

Tony Soprano be like: