Hello all❤I’ve been out of the country and on vacation and will be home soon- but I wanted to say thank you so much for being here. I’ve tried not to work but have read so many of your thoughtful and kind comments this past week. Sending love❤❤❤❤
Foggy intentions is so spot on. People can’t always be perfect with their texting and emotional expression, but the real issue is taking your time for granted, not really valuing you, and making it very confusing. So relatable about the low-key irritation as well. I love how astutely you point these things out. I just experienced this with someone I stopped dating.
Being inconsistent in the way I show up - "fickle" - in relationships seems to mirror the inconsistent parenting style I received. I'm confused, others confused.
It’s funny, I’m finding out that even friendships, especially the passive, aggressive people, devaluing, things you are now seeing, in hindsight that were so toxic! Wish I had known what was going on!
How important communication is ? My guy just never talks … never raises any questions or concerns.. just never talks .. and hardly ever makes eye contact .. or checks in ? And yet he gets really moody when I feel uncomfortable with intimacy.. I just can’t relax to allow myself to be comfortable…it’s the nil communication is stifling and makes me feel very uneasy … 🥴
My relationship is confusing cause he has 4kids. He makes effort to see me when he can. I am struggling to know what I can do and where it goes and we have known each other 5yrs. Last year became a couple. He tells me All the time i deserve better and he can't be what I want. I know I want him. I have put this relationship in his ball park
I realised some years ago that I had a problem with intimacy. Then, a breakdown forced me to confront: drug and alcoholism, physical and sexual abuse, failed relationships, estrangement, anxiety. Tentatively, I started a relationship under unusual circumstances. Perhaps not trusting my gut that I was ready, I joined an amazing woman and her 2 kids. We lasted 3 years before my avoidance got the better of us. Listening to this advice, I realise what an inconsistent partner I was. Someone who could only offer love guardedly. Despite knowing of my issues, I sank into a depression and shut her out. I want to thank Dr Kim for these conversations, which help immensely. Instead of my focusing on the guilt and shame, there is real compassion, understanding, and improvement available. I am so fortunate to glimpse reality, and to share these insight from a modest and very generous healer. Thank you.
I'm sorry. All of my best friends are autistic. I've learned to just communicate with them in a very specific way. And sometimes their behavior isn't the problem. It's my expectations. So I adjust it accordingly.
Please explain more about 'appearing arrogant' as an autistic person - so interesting and yet I'm not quite sure what that looks like or means from your experience. Is it masking that just comes across as arrogant or false, or something else?
My former fiancé was OBSESSED with her ex. At first she would say it was about physical safety or he was trying to sabotage her life. After years together, getting engaged, buying a house (security system, big dog, guns, motion sensors, extra locks) she would still go into extreme flights of panic about this guy. In reality he was a corny loser who lived 100 miles away, but there was nothing I could reasonably say or do to calm her down after years together. I look back now and see that it was just a canard, a dodge to manipulate and distract away from her other very questionable behaviors. It was all performative to keep me on my back foot, rather than a problem to be solved. I mention all this because I’ve had to look deeply into how I love, (protect/provide/partnership) going above and beyond to prove my worth. That made me vulnerable to exploitation and the lack of empathy there from the beginning. As much as I now accept I was hoodwinked and deceived, I’ve also had to take responsibility for my own part. Never again.
Yeah taking responsibility for our part is important and can be something we overlook because of how bad these people can be. I had a pretty bad habit of couching my emotions when I thought my npd partner and friend had things worse. I'd not bring up my issues so I could focus on them and support them in their time of need. But I realize now, healthy and good people don't want to constantly be a burden to others, they want the issues solved so that they do not have to be a drain on people. So they gain new skills or ways of coping, in essence they learn, NPD don't ever seem to learn from their mistakes. Now I am also to the point where if someone is not improving in a particular area for example like your ex feeling in danger because of her ex, then its clearly an issue for professionals or manipulation. And after about a year of the same issue I will stop offering advice or help because clearly I'm not helping and that is a lesson I needed to learn. If they are not getting better in a years time, the problem is so severe that I shouldn't be helping and they need a professional or its one big con. I'm Sure their are gray areas like actually having a stalker, that shit is terrifying. TLDR: I have to stop trying to rescue people.
interesting timing. i have finally kicked my ex from 12 years ago to the curb… he kept reaching out and i had zero interested being his gf again. yikes! gotta dodge the bullets 😂
I stayed for my children till it almost cost me my life. I know not all toxic relationships will go this far. To be honest I have no larynx now because my ex-husband strangled me three times after I confronted him with cheating on me. Our daughter heard him next door having sex and she told me. So to stay or not to stay can be a very deadly question. To keep your child safe would be to move as far away as possible. Physical safety and mental safety are two different things and are a must for a healthy children. I broke free but it cost me and my children because I waited too long believing my husband would change. He always made me out to be the crazy one. "Oh poor me I have a wife with mental issues and I care for my two beautiful daughters." I know I wasn't perfect either and was constantly working on my issues. I hope this helps someone realize how dangerous it can be. My own father left me in foster care. He blamed me for being a child who wouldn't listen and it was the reason he beat me with a belt. Hit me in the head with a steel belt buckle of which I still have seizures from. It's a repetitive cycle that can kill and destroy. I'm blessed I'm still alive. 💜💕🙏🔥👑🔥🙏💕💜
On one hand, I wish I had understood these signs when younger. On the other hand, I have an amazing kid and think they're emotionally healthier than anyone in the family. I wouldnt trade my kid for anything, so no regrets. Onward!
Do you mean that you stayed in a relationship with red flags, for the sake of your child? And it was worth it? (me currently wondering if it will be worth it).
Your child will do best when mom is happy. If you're happy in the relationship, stay. If you're miserable, the child will feel it and wonder if it's their fault. Be happy first and things will fall in place. 😊
@@sethtenrec You are right. I am going to stay in the relationship. We have our 'stuff' much like everyone else. I bring plenty of my own BS to the table. I saw something the other day which resonated - along the lines of; it is irresponsible not to work on yourself - allowing the pain to seep into those I love. But more so, its important I don't just work on the easy bits! Sometimes I think if I could only watch how I interact with people from afar - I would realise how high my expectations are of others, and how quick I am to complain, but put no actual effort in myself. Hope that makes sense.
This was refreshing for me to listen to. I have felt a quite a bit of these things that were listed, in my past relationships. But this relationship I've been in for 5 years, has none of these in it. I love her family, she loves mine. And just overall healthier communication in this relationship. I now understand why i felt the way i did in my marriage of 6+ years.
Oprah always said "your life is always speaking to you." We have to listen to our body and our behaviours- like "why do I always get a headache when I speak to this person?" or "why am I always so low?".
I had a relapse of codependency and wound up on a couple dates with a likely BPD sufferer and saw all these things within the first 2 dates. Luckily never made it to a 3rd. I almost overlooked them until they got drunk and told me they were bad for me and to leave while I can. I almost saw these signs but ignored them at first. I felt them in my gut and intuition but wanted to pursue the exciting relationship in front of me, red flags be darned. Luckily I woke up when they revealed themselves and cut contact immediately. 12 days from first date to no-contact. Don't ignore your gut! Keep those boundaries up and strong!
Good for you for making the tough decision to end it before it got worse. People with BPD can be really enchanting and interesting (and should not be dehumanized or demonized for having their issues), and the charm can make it easy to try and keep going even though it can get so toxic. I also had a similar experience with someone who did not necessarily have BPD, but had a lot of emotional issues… they admitted that they worried they didn’t know if they could be a good partner to me… I took that for what it was and ultimately ended the relationship. It was something I didn’t want to wait around and learn about. I had no obligation to wait for someone to see if they could show up for me. It was a recreation of childhood trauma in the making.
I felt that coming down the pike if we continued for sure. No hard feelings, I know that person lived a hard life (which they told me ALL about in a very short time-trauma dumping) and I was VERY enchanted by the lovebombing and rushed intimacy, but ultimately I know as the son of a BPD/NPD mother the relationship would have been a rehash of my childhood trauma and would have emotionally devastated me after years working on myself and healing. So I got out and remembered it's not my job to fix people, and that some people are just not good for me to be around.
So I kept ignoring my gut for sure. He was so vague about any 'emotional' issue he was having, never gave me detail but promised he would. I had this weird sense that he was hiding something from me. After dealing with him for over a year and his emotional issues just not getting any better and in some areas seeming to get worse I pulled out of the relationship. I told him that I couldn't be his coping mechanism anymore. That he needed professional help. I did plan on staying around to help him process therapy if he needed someone to talk things out with, but before he moved half way across the country that he needed to do a lot of therapy work. But then he flipped the script and started trying to gaslight me into thinking that his clearly visible problems where all made up in my head and I was the one that needed therapy. Well I cut him out completely after that. And what did I learn? I was the other woman. So while he was professing his love to me the 'abusive' girlfriend he left 1.5yr before me he was actually still with. He had a drug problem he hid. He goes mute in public. His mother cleans his apartment not him. He wasn't eating healthy like he claimed instead spends 80$ daily in food delivery and most of that is desserts. He did not work out like he claimed. The 'abusive' ex actually got abused by him. Relationships he claimed to be in where lies. And his issue with me dumping him? It was all sudden and without good reason. Well my gut had been telling me something was wrong and I ignored it for over a year because I didn't want to think badly of him. But my gut was right, it was telling me to run and abandon him, and I wish I listened. I was fortunate that this most recent interaction with him was all online. But we did date briefly in our early 20s. I do feel pretty confident that if we where seeing each other in person that I would have picked up on more of this and left sooner. Since I'm sure he would have missed multiple attempts to meet up and after too many of those I'd be like: lol I need someone who is reliable and wont waste my time.
Thank you for this, I'm in an unfulfilling dynamic and being taken for granted. I have a soft spot for this person, but i need to dispose of the situation, asap
My response listening to this, especially the ignoring your gut, “God fucking damnit!” I still do not want to face it. I am heartbroken just at the thought of leaving.
I have this weird thing where I just cannot go back with people that I have earlier separated from even if they except responsibility for mistreating me and they are in therapy. I just have this urge to kick them out. Because I already know that this person is dangerous. So I start to test their limits, actually. Hoping that they will do something bad again and then we can separate forever. I think it is partly desire to test whether or not the person really has changed and partly a reaction to difficult people that has developed during childhood due to being surrounded by difficult people (I always wanted to just leave them). So my advice is - do not accept people back. We need stable relationships.
When they want to come back, say "I'm so glad you've gotten clarity and I wish you well. I have also been to therapy and need to move on." You don't owe them reasons, however this one is pretty safe and doesn't feel dismissive of them.
@@jo1681 the thing is it's not a manipulation. It's entirely fear based. It happens because you don't feel safe. Testing is kind of like "I don't trust you so you should prove yourself first". But it's only a part of the problem.
I love this video. I am married for 8yrs when you first get married it feels great, but I know that its challenges are difficult for me. I don't know how I feel 😕 about myself sometimes I just want to move on. 😢
I’ve been feeling off about a developing friendship. We live an hour away and she works a lot, but it’s always me making the plans and waiting for her response. My circle of friends is very small/nonexistent these days and I knew I couldn’t just drop this one without at least trying, but I feel like a burden for reaching out.
I have a few amazing friends who most of the time reach out to me not vice versa, and are ok with that. I'm very warm and loving person, but a bit socially awkward and depressed. It's not always a burden, it's just some people are not always active socially.
This is spot on but he claimed he got along great with his exes. Beware that’s a sign of friends with benefits behavior (not on its own of course), but there was slight under the rug comparison going on
on music: once I started really paying attention to what songs my boyfriend (now ex) was playing on repeat it really helped me gain insight into his psyche and intentions (despite his beautiful & loving words). The last song was Creep by Radiohead 🙄.
Wow. I came into this video wondering if I was one displaying these signs but...nope, very much the other way around. Especially later on and caring about the intimacy, or being intimate when they wanted. Felt very weird compared to before.
The foggy intentions and low key annoyed are on target. 🎯 If you are confused, they don't like you. I ended a friendship like this. Red flags everywhere but, me and my people pleasing self, kept making excuses for them. Thankfully, I cut it off before I got too involved.
Hi Kim, love your content. Could you talk about how autistic/HSPs can deal with blackmailing keeping them stuck in toxic relationships? Thanks in advance ❤
2 years was the longest my relationship ever lasted before it will last 6 months but for it to last 2 years that wasn't right in my mind its not meant to last that long but it did and it was the discard that I realised he was a covert narcissist and went no contact
Spot on every word. .... The relationship might get better as time goes on : Pfft no it won't runaway while you have the chance. My last partner had mental health issues and a drug getting high issue and the up's & downer's + everything Dr Kim said where enough to make me nearly go crackers.
I got recently diagnosed as autistic and I'm still struggling with "being myself" because I've masked for too long. I'm also at the beginning stages of my first queer relationship, so it's a double combo of not knowing how to act and not knowing how much of myself to show. I feel like with the autism thing in particular, I feel saddened that I've lost a lot of who I am and it's hard to tell which parts of what I say or do is really me, and which parts are just me masking and repeating the social cues I've learned to "appear normal". It's especially tough with dating, because I want to show authentic parts of myself as a way of respect to the other person and also so I know myself if this is a person who can accept those parts. But yeah it's hard to tell which is which anymore.
