Too bad coming out is not like that. You are constantly coming out over and over and over, and it is not as scary as the first time, but it is still awkward and uncomfortable and there is still the risk of rejection.
@@asmallbabby4205 - in the case of my brother, it's a little the reverse. He has medical conditions that have caused some cognitive damage, so believe it or not, he kind of forgets that I've known for almost 40 years. It's as if he involuntarily goes back in the closet out of genuinely forgetting he ever was out.
Matt. thank you for this channel. I watch and am subscribed because........ 1. Your videos are insightful and intelligent 2. You're handsome 3. You're funny 4. You're handsome. 5. You're videos are well made 6. You're handsome.
I find it so interesting that I have twice seen gun related advertising before your videos: one for bone piercing ammo, and one for a discreet urban conceal carry holster. Hmmmmm...
@COH - well, Adblock is a mixed bag for those who want to avoid ads but also know that is one of the source of funding for some of the content they love.
I was 10 when this episode aired. I've not seen it since, but for some reason her saying "I'm gay" into the mic has been burned into my memory for over 20 years.
God damn, this just shows how I hate what society has become. Why do people have to come out _at all_? Your sexuality is part of your nature, nobody including yourself, should be rejecting you over it.
so when i came out as bi to my step mom years ago she was very furious. In between her anger she had mentioned how she was disgusted at how Ellen had come out on her show. The show being on when I was a young child meant I had never seen it. So my mind had to assume something absolutely horrible happened in the show. But this was funny and adorable. Once again I struggle to understand who my step mother was as a human being.
Hi Matt. I remember when this show aired. It was very controversial - many people who had previously watched Ellen simply refused to watch her anymore. As successful as the episode was, it marked the beginning of the decline of Ellen's high ratings and eventually the cancellation. Some of my straight but supportive friends said she was pushing the envelope too quickly, to which I would reply that there was no such thing as "too quickly". Anyway, Ellen DeGeneres' career suffered for a long time due to her bravery and willingness to take a stand. I'm incredibly pleased that she has become one of the more popular, influential, and beloved, celebrities today.
Because of the negative reaction of Season 5 (when Ellen explored the lesbian community and attempted a longterm relationship), the following year, Will Truman on WILL & GRACE was made celibate. They used his being heartbroken over a failed (unseen, previous) relationship as an excuse for him not wanting to date just yet. They did that for like the first two seasons. When they finally had him dating again, it was all so chaste. Jack's situation, in particular, was odd. We were told constantly that he's a man-whore, but we rarely saw him out on "dates". They were usually referred to in passing or joke punchlines, whereas we were shown all the action that Grace and Karen got.
I was born at the start of 1998, and my mum had already decided on calling me Ellen after my great grandmother, but then Ellen came out as gay right as she fell pregnant and the world was shook she didn't know if calling me Ellen was such a good idea since so many people hated her and just gays in general. Eventually she settled on calling me Ellie which is pretty close but didn't run the risk of me being bullied at school for having a gay name, because she just didn't know if by 2003 when I start school the world will have warmed up to gay people and especially Ellen (they did). I'm glad she chose another name, because who would have known if I would have been teased regardless of the changing opinions kids are mean, but I'm also sad that she felt like a name would make me vulnerable to bullying. But I'm again glad that she explained why and actually told me, instead of just keeping it a secret.
I think part of the problem was that the last few episodes of Season 4 were solid and strong episodes... Season 5, on the other hand, I felt the show went downhill. The other regulars became more and more just background characters to make room for big name guest stars. ELLEN seemed to be the show everyone wanted to be on. And while some of those episodes were very good (there was a great one with Emma Thompson), most of them just seemed to fall flat.
I watched this episode with my mom a few weeks after it first aired, and my mom pointed out something else that was great about this episode. It addressed so many of the pernicious stereotypes in our society about gay people--e.g. that gay people don't form long-term relationships (hence Susan is portrayed as being in an 8-year relationship), that gay people "recruit" others to the "lifestyle" (hence the toaster-oven jokes). For me, it also beautifully presented the array of reactions one can expect when coming out to friends. If I recall correctly, when her group of friends finally learns she's gay, one friend's a bit uncertain as to whether that news deserves support, but another jumps up from the couch, hugs Ellen, and tells her, "Well, I think that's super!" That's such a realistic reflection of life. Some people will be prejudiced; some will love you no matter what; some people won't really care and will treat you with the same respect they would have otherwise; and some people in your life will also be gay! Ellen is a terrific actress and a great comedian, but despite the silly sit-com format, she really managed to realistically portray gay people and the social world around them in this episode.
+Ore Carmi Yeah it's quite striking how her friends react. Paige is quite glum, sitting on the couch unhappily. Audrey is delighted. Joe is cynical. And Spence, for some reason, gets sexual and gross and it is incredibly off-putting. All totally realistic responses!
I remember how emotional I was when this first aired. I at that point never thought we gay people would be allowed to come out on TV. It was ok if the actor was straight and said they where gay in a role for TV or a movie, but a real gay person playing a real gay person? No way!! SO this was great and started so much change for gay people. We have come a long way. At 52 I still get emotional when I see a gay TV ad or show on TV. I just never thought we would be able to do that and would always be in the closet. SO happy for the change! Yes, we have a ways to go but thank god we have come this far and thank Ellen and Will & Grace for helping people see that we are OK people and not to be feared. OH and before anyone trolls me, I know that no one was openly gay in the case of Will & Grace (at the time) but the show helped us.
Yes, I hear you. Was happy as can be when Barry Manilow finally came out because I genuinely felt bad for him at the thought that after all these years, after all his fame, he still might die having never been able to be himself with his fans and would have to be one of those folks like Sally Ride who was never out until it was too late for anyone to show acceptance.
Hey, where's my toaster oven!? Oh wait, I'm not completely out yet and it seems I've been cheating; I missed some steps. Can I at least get some toast?
I LOVED Ellen as a little girl. It was my first introduction to homosexuality (I'm autistic and oblivious so took me longer than most kids in the 90s). It was strange finding her coming out completely no big deal, then having people freak out while also feeling there was something so deeply meaningful about her coming out. The freak out taught me to keep quiet about my feelings, but her coming out taught me that it was alright. Still adore Ellen :)
I always felt that being bi, I've cheated coming out. Well, unless I find a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm not going to tell my parents. Idk, I've always felt like it's cheating that I can stay in the closet with whomever I just don't want to tell. : /
Such an important episode that opened the door for more coming out stories. But I was waiting for you to talk about the fallout of this episode for Ellen and other actors - like Laura Dern.
The breakneck pace feels familiar. I've never been one much for hiding my true self. So I was fully out to everyone i knew within like 2 weeks of that moment of self discovery. Might as well have thrown a party lol
Yeah the show definitely straightwashed her for the first few seasons, and it's so strange watching it now. You can really see TV transforming over the course of the series.
I fondly remember watching this episode when it first aired. I was a hall director at a small liberal college. A student and I screamed with delight. 🥰
I thought my son was gay. Others in my family thought he had a “secret life”. He just came out as Muslim and married a Muslim girl, which shows how wrong you can be.
Still trying to tell my Christian parents I'm an athiest. I'm not gay but I don't think my parents would care that much if I was. Well my mum might but not my Dad. My siblings and most friends know I'm an athiest but not my parents.
Thanks for sharing this. Ellen holds a special place in my heart. I was deep in the dark depression of figuring out who I was. Having terrible thoughts and thinking that I would never be loved when I watched this entire story unfold. It forever changed my life. I will always love her and what she did for me by sharing this story. I immediately found a therapist and the first thing I told him was, "I'm gay and I want to talk about that!" He said OK, and I started my coming out journey. (also - I love that Ellen's mom is one of the people in line when she outs herself over the microphone. She has always stood right by her side.)
I'm very queer and out to all my friends and often my coworkers but none of my family. I recently finally got a therapist and was going to take my time checking if it was safe(how ya do) and just found it tumbling out on our 2nd session. Still freaks me out. Proud of you for saying it straight (ha) on.
SlimeQueenSupreme oh my god that was what I told my parents when I was a kid before I even knew I was gay. I told my parents I didn't want to get married because I don't want to deal with men 😂
I was 6 at the time this episode aired, so the historical context is a bit lost on me. The audience seems to get the jokes about her singing "I feel pretty" and her friends yelling at her to come out. Was it public knowledge at the time that Ellen DeGeneres was gay?
That was the point Dangles was making, the joke was that she stops before saying the word gay which is funny because she's gay and she's so closeted she can't even say the word. So for people to laugh at that joke means they probably knew that the character was gay. I suppose big fans of the show that attended the recording would have figured it out before the reveal (at least that the character was gay, maybe not Ellen)
There had started to be a few rumors the season before, as I recall, and then once they had decided they were eventually going to do the puppy episode, they decided to start dropping little hints. It also helps that most people older than you grew up with the awkwardness of lyrics from the period back when "gay" meant something else, so whenever they heard these lyrics, they knew the word "gay" was coming, so there had to be a joke it was building to. Some people will not have laughed because they got the hint, but rather from the funny juxtaposition of someone suddenly saying the rhyming word "hey" instead of the actual lyric, "gay."
FWIW, my all-time favorite "love song"--if I can call it that!--is "Nowhere To Go" from Melissa Etheridge's album, "Little Secrets"....everything about it spoke to being hidden back in the 90s. I got the album for Christmas one year, and I still carry it with me, because of that song. Maybe I'll get the chance to dance to it with someone.....I'm nearly 40 and have never been in a relationship, though not for a lack of trying. Anyhoo....."Little Secrets" is one of my FAVORITE albums of all time, right next to Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Come On, Come On"! Gods, I *really* miss the 90s!
My coming out process was stalled for years due to my also falling within the asexual spectrum, so those coming out steps happened out of order and I had to repeat a few and skip others. In high school (and the first two and a half years of college) I just assumed that i was either too busy with sports and school to be interested in boys, and when my HS volleyball coach insinuated, I was adamantly "not gay". I even let my friends pressure me into getting a boyfriend because he was my best friend and I thought that's what high school girls are supposed to do. It took obsessing over Kate McKinnon my Jr year of college for me to come out as Bi to a few friends, realizing that liking someone in a platonic way is different from liking someone romantically (for me those used to get confused sometimes) to come out as gay to my family, and realizing that I don't want people touching me sexually and also never being sexually aroused because of a person, to come out as asexual (but homoromantic) to the world.
I think you are very intelligent and clear sighted. Unfortunately you live in a society that thinks everything should have a label, and if there's no label, it doesn't exist. Once you know you don't belong in a certain box, there are millions of different colors and hues . Don't try to adapt to the boxes. "Know thyself" and create a box and a label for yourself.
Awww, Matt, you had a great episode from beginning to end here, but you out and out had me crying at 06:18. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 May every part of that beautiful statement be more and more true every year. So proud to be part of your Patreon.
This happened when I was a kid. I never liked Ellen before she came out. Not that I didnt think she was funny or anything but even as a kid I could tell when someone was not being honest. Once she came out I was like OOoohhhh. I get it! I grew up surrounded by gays. I had an uncle on my dads side, two uncles on my moms side, and a handful of cousins. So I knew the gambit of gay so to speak. I guess I picked up on the truth and did not like she was hiding.
I remember watching this when I was kid and seeing the parental advisory warning on either this or another episode where Ellen was about to sleepover at her girlfriend's house.
Ugh, that parental warning -- so offensive. I remember Ellen talking about how she didn't know it was going to happen until it aired, and she was furious.
I was a teenager when this episode aired, and I remember watching it the first time around. It was one of my first exposures to gay anything, as I lived a pretty sheltered Catholic lifestyle growing up (to the point that I used to think that the love-interest being referred to as "she" in the lyrics of a song by an activist folk singer I loved was a typo). I didn't know it at the time, but it helped me know exactly the right (and supportive) way to react when one of my own friends in uni finally came out to me as gay.
That was before Christians got me to hate myself. Part of me like those times. The 90's was when I was a kid. I now comfortable with this decade however. Hoping to be with my boyfriend.
What a great episode!!! Thank you for posting about things like this that help gay guys like me to get more educated :). Do you think I should watch this show? I didn't live in the states during the time it was aired so I missed all its fabulous episodes.
There is no linear progression, some people might skip steps or steps may take years to achieve. For some steps happen out of order. I do think this a nice general outline.
Jerry here, Yes, 42,000,000 people watched this episode except sadly for those in my hometown of Birmingham, Alabama, the only city in the country to ban the episode that night. I hate this town.
Omg I think the guy who Ellen was making out with is the same actor who played Tina's boyfriend Henry on The L Word before she and Bette got back together.
Perfumaphilia OMG dude...that's totally him!!! Great eye, I wonder if they gave him the part based on his appearance on this super big milestone or if it's just a weird coincidence. (BTW I can't believe he clipped his toenails in front of Tina, how dare he).
OMG, this was so well done! I was never a big Ellen D. fan, but now I must watch those episodes just for fun. Your "List of Coming Out Steps" is so accurate!
i knew i was gay for years but my busting out was about this fast. after coming out to friends across the atlantic i came out to everyone else within two weeks then had my heart broken by the boy i had a crush on and the reason i came out lol. it was better than most people experience except with a couple people but that’s life
I've only seen the first season and most of the second season of this show, but watching it knowing Ellen is gay is SO FUNNY. I guess at the time it probably just came off as a mixture of her being quirky and unlucky in relationships, but in hindsight it's like "ooohhhhhhhh". On a bizarrely related note, the end of season 9 of Roseanne reveals that Jackie was a lesbian "in real life", so rewatching especially the early seasons with the knowledge that Jackie is a lesbian is also hilarious (she's like "who needs men??" or something at one point). And then season 10 just made it all confusing but sshh.
I remember as a teenaged in the 90s hearing churches in an uproar over Ellen. While I had been attention a church at the time, I was like, "So what?" and "Why is that so bad?" I still don't get it.
I recall one of subsequent episodes where Ellen balks at friends trying to get her to do stuff they believe a "proper" lesbian should be doing. "Let me be who I am on my own."
I had to set the timer on my VHS to record the episode of Ellen coming out as I had to work during the broadcast. I couldn't wait to rush home and watch it! I was in tears, just absolute tears! I'll never forget it.
Jerry here, Yeah, not in my town. I live in Birmingham Alabama and due to protest the episode was pre-empted by a silly magazine show. I had to get a recording of the episode from a friend in Atlanta.
This kinda reminds me of a character called Becky from one of my favorite webcomics. She realized she was gay when she was at a Christian university and started a relationship with her roommate. She got kicked out and went to find her best friend/crush at a state university, then kisses her effectively coming out. The next day she proceeded to tell everyone she met (producing my favorite quote "HEY EVERYBODY IM A LESBIAN") and got a haircut so gay it almost killed her very Christian best friend from shock
I love you’re videos!! It’s really good especially for the younger generation to see what it was like in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s. We have come so far. But we can’t forget how far we have came. And the younger generations in the generation after them need to know what it was like.!!
I'm watching The Larry Sanders Show episode with Ellen that predates her coming out. I haven't finished it, but I think it really could use a look-see.
Matt Baume seriously, I'm watching all your videos, well as much as I can, I have found very usefull points of view to fight back many clichés I hear and read here.. Hugs from Chile, South America.. Yes you are adorable..
That was a lot of fun! Thank you, Matt, for sharing this delightful video. A funny take on a serious subject. What a witty, affirming, and positive message. Very encouraging! It certainly brings back memories of that exciting Ellen moment. www.queercafe.net
