4s who have been through hell but become healthy become great counselors, therapists, social workers, life coaches, etc because they have the empathy needed.
Envy for normal is huge!😜 I’m an artist and came in sensitive and shamed for being “ too sensitive “ - utilizing this super power as a gift and not identifying with the kaleidoscopic emotions whirling through have been great tools ! Thankyou
_Deep within the lair of my mind_ "Master! Master!" _lifting my head up with a slight grimace_ Yes, Wing 4. What is it today? "I found a feeling I was missing, master. Here, I think you should have it." _hands over a wet tennis ball_ Thanks. I- You do know this is just a tennis ball, right? "Yes, master." And it's wet because...? "I cried on it because I remembered playing tennis, master." That's... That's great. I'll... I'll just put that here. _drops into a pile of other memories_ Good stuff as always. Had to face that last night as a matter of fact. Surprise hotel visit, anxiety about money, overthinking about my past. Had to get myself to focus and concentrate on getting through it while still feeling what I could.
LOL! You always make me laugh 😅 Wow. Way to identity your feelings and thoughts while getting through it. When we have to walk though stuff like this it's much easier to withdraw and not walk through it. Thank you for sharing such a real moment.
what helps me more is trying to see ordinary things in life as extraordinary, I am not just washing the dishes, I am taking care of water temperature, pressure, I see how it flows, I see how the dishes are transforming, I hear the sound of the water, and so on. Like doing it for the first time and appreciating all details of it.
SAME ❤ I became a healthy 4 when I became a professional appreciator of the "little things" as the most beautiful things. Finding joy in the ordinary, which is actually very unique in our world.
Thank you so much for dealing with us compassionately and encouragingly! I don't think that I or most Fours are great with tough love because we already believe that we are misunderstood or unlovable, possibly irredeemable. Anyway, I did have to find out a lot of what you said purely through life experience, but I appreciate you reiterating it and validating our value in the world as a type. That's pretty rare. You're awesome!
I love the “use your experience to help others”. I’m a 4 and and feel super called to help people with their emotional traumas. Surprise surprise 😆 I’ve found a passion for herbal medicine and acupuncture and am currently studying that. Just so satisfying for my 4 heart
Hi Hillary, I'm a 4. I think your 2nd tip needs a bit of minor editing. Instead of thinking of helping others like a 2, it helped me to think of my values, beliefs and principles and how I can practically stick to these in real life, like a 1. Things like empathy and compassion can be values to stick to and lead to helping others. But when 4s first think of helping others, they run the risk of starting to be people-pleasing and losing themselves even more, like unhealthy 2s. Values, beliefs and principles are great for 4s because they tend not to change as much as emotions, giving us a steadier sense of self to live with. So that's the 2nd, and I think your 1st and 3rd tips were great!
Yes! I totally agree and was thinking the same :) As a college student majoring in social work, I started worrying that 4s becoming average/unhealthy 2s under stress would mean that SW, a very helping profession, would be a bad fit for me. But the way you put it really resonates with me; instead of becoming helpers, we fundamentally need to live out our core values, beliefs, and principles. For myself, using my pain to help others aligns with my Christian faith, and my our best, I don't derive feelings of worth from being needed but from an unshakable foundation in my Higher power. Thanks again for clarifying!!
Oh I am a 4. Just realised something deep down that I had repressed tbh. Thought I was a 9 but when I’m totally honest with myself the core 4 comes out
My secret sense of fulfillment is when I create a logo or graphic for someone (client or friend) that makes them look really good and they recognize that. While I'm happy it reflects positively on my work, their sense of satisfaction is even more fulfilling to me.
Hillary McCaskey your words about type 4 is so positive and it gives hope. Usually speakers laughing about how much dramatic this type. I am so happy that I found your video.
This is so interesting. I feel like I have spent so much of my time as type 1 b/c in childhood I felt like I needed to be perfect but I didn't have my creative side nurtured.
What I've observed, for me in the 4w3 I know, she trusts but keeps people at arm's length. let's them close, but not super close to protect her vulnerability, afraid to trust...conversely she doesn't let people get too far away even if they are unhealthy...it's like a fear of rejection, unhealthy validation seeking. It's like she collects relationships..caring but the deepest of connection is missing due to self sabotage. Everything that makes her stand out, also imprisons her.
When we can be honest and share our flaws with friends, it allows us to relate and not feel we’re the only ones with room to grow. I struggle with keeping my emotions in check, especially during this pandemic and political crisis. To much for this ole girl to handle graciously. Good thing I did not express myself with tongue or pen. Eek!
So ironic isn’t it that type 4’s want to be TOTALLY unique but then compare ourselves to others 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. We can’t ever be unique AND try to be like others. 🤪🤪👀👀👀. I love being a type 4 but it can feel so hard sometimes🫠🫠🤪🤪🤪. Good to remember that it’s all part of being a human. This is also something that I think type 4s brings as a gift to the world: reminding people that being a human being can be messy, but it’s OK. 💕💕💕
I gave a violent thumbs up to each tip! You're so right about each of these and every now and then I need these reminders to bring me back from a Deep Moodiness. I'm a 4w3 and my deepest passion, when I feel most alive, is when I am actively helping somebody who needs ME and MY skills and talents. The best job I've ever had was as a personal assistant. I think the 4 in me needs to know my Uniqueness is needed and the 3 in me needs to have jobs to carry out so I know (or feel sure that) I matter.
Hi Hillary, I really hope this is another series. I love this video... If not, please make a video for #7 Growth. 🙏... Thank you for all you do on this channel.
Hello Hillary, I love and appreciate the 3 practical steps for growth that you've shared. I found your words to be incredibly encouraging and insightful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you Hillary! I really appreciate all the new subtype and growth path content! I had two thoughts while watching. 1) HOW does a 4 go about reducing their comparison-making? It honestly feels like an addiction sometimes. I’m not primarily comparing myself to specific others anymore, but any misstep or messiness that doesn’t fit my idealized self is so painful. I’m finding that a lot of RU-vid coaches encourage making your vision chart, having your personal mission statement all defined, but that can be a little bit of a pitfall for me - further strengthening my ideal and making it harder to feel like I’ll ever reach those results. My husband and his 1 and 8 friends have advised me to keep a gratitude journal, connect to my senses with nature or crafting, and generally pay myself the same admiration I would someone else who’s achieving similar to what I am. And to really reward myself for the tiniest progress toward self-discipline and groundedness. Any other ideas? 2) Have you ever heard the Loughriges on their Enneagram Christianity podcast? Clare’s first question when interviewing one of their type 4 guests was if he was silently correcting her grammar or spelling😂 (she’s a 9, I believe!). He was so loath to admit it, but 40 seconds into your video, I had to admit to myself that type 4’s probably just can’t help it. IDK how a “self-effacing” 9 typically feels about getting called out on the finer points of English, but if you need a good editor for your title cards or anything, I would give all the dedication a 4 can muster! 💜
As a Christian, I came to believe because "I'm not good enough", God abandoned me. i.e. The enneagram 4 belief "something is missing" - perfection lacking and God missing. False! Paul in the Bible says NOTHING can separate a believer from the love of God due to His perfect work on the cross.
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Thank you Hillary! As T4 I had a female friend who is unhealthy T1. (Almost) Always enjoyed wanted her more but I know now why we couldn't fit together. If the T4's one of the main character is always missing something there is lacking in me... etc. why do we have to change this? Be present is superb. And yes there is envy and comparison. Why don't I have a Ford Mustang, better bigger house... Money body etc.? 😔😇 😉😍🙏 Love your videos!
Oh yes. 🙈 Ahahaha like I’ve done that before. Wonder why it’s so much easier for others to be accepted and loved or manage their feelings etc. But I know better now.
I do know that in the held space of a caring mature partner, I'm likely to turn a whole shipload of deep helpfulness right into whatever channels are present to do so. And I barely dare think about it, since it's stigmatised with "co-dependent" when it's actually "interdependent" in my case. Since I am indeed fine to land on my feet if completely abandoned with nothing on me in the middle of nowhere. I'm not scared to walk into a void and walk away from relationships that stop functioning, including choosing no income and no job over job that doesn't give me space. Not, that it's easy. But I can say that I'm sure I can and I did, once I made my choice. So I'm safe when I choose to cooperate and depend. And the other side is: my internal processes and actually watching out for myself and watching out that I don't get eaten alive the moment I dare to imply what I'm capable of, takes so much effort, that needing a safe space to function beyond myself is key. (Hello long German sentence XD). Short: No safe space = me has nothing to share safely. Not safe sharing = very depleting, will put me in a dangerous place very quickly. E.g. my body will inform me fast and in a way I won't be able to ignore. Not fun! So I noticed, that I'd take a partner (even in the widest sense) like a caring 9 to hold space. I already share myself. But with a lot of it held back for emergency case. It's stupid, but building up a partner to assure they're in a place they CAN hold safe space only takes me a fraction of the energy it takes to do so myself. 🤯 It's a mad paradox. I perceive the world by running it through myself and that makes it really hard to see my own needs as I do so. I feel like you, as a 9, can probably relate to that a lot. It's like I don't need people much, but the one I want, I want and require deeply. 🤣
Now imagine me headdesking over feeling concerned about speaking out I'd like to please have one deep good quality social contact. Goddammit, woman, it's a normal human need! 🤦♀️ Move on, people , there's nothing to see here. The 4w5 has just caught herself after awkwardly stumbling over the misfit trap 🤣 Every time I think I'm OK with myself, I find that I've again applied way too strict standards to myself nevertheless 😝 And you know what, imma go and just embrace that side of me and "we'll" have a good laugh and a cup of tea over it 🍵
That’s a great question. What makes your heart sing. Do you have a dream that’s hidden in your heart but you’ve pushed it down because maybe you think people would judge you…dig deep and ask yourself what you’re really passionate about. ❤️
people keep saying fours are so emotionally deep and so on. I know I'm a four instead of five, because it's more of a torn in the butt to admit the core weakness and fear of this one. But... a lot of the time I feel very empty, like shut down. Like I'm not a very caring person. And other times I can't do anything else but be angry, grumpy and displeased. Does this just mean that I have a very long way to go before I become a healthy 4 and actually be happy for other people than myself? I do relate to becomeing a 1 when I'm healthy because it means that I'm productive and makes stuff happen. But I mainly want to be more altruistic.
Maybe. You have great points…the paths and wings play big parts. I do offer coaching that helps to uncover this. But it’s sounds like you are pretty self aware which is a great place to start.
Hey, is this a new series? Can't wait to see the advices for the other types! Also, I've got a quick question: can a sx 7 relate to/act a bit like a 4 sometimes?
ive a general enneagram question: if someone's highest ennegaram type is....say....7 on some test, but they have no points whatsoever in 6 and 8....are they a 7w6 a 7w8...or can they even be just standalone 7s without a wing? 🤔
Usually wings don’t need to show up on a test. Because they are testing based on the core values of the types. When you use your wings you don’t necessarily use the cores of the types. I’d watch my wings videos and see if you relate to them. Hope this helps!
I’m hoping you can explain this to me. I have taken several enneagram tests, and I’m showing as a nine. Every. Time. I can relate to nines, but every time I read about the fives, it resounds soooo much. Is it possible to be a five, but test as a nine?
