Hey, your friendly neighborhood Birth Doula here. It is a safety issue for people in labor to have someone around who you do not trust. It can litteraly stall your labor which can lead you to the operating room.
@@cnh9673 Just gave birth a year ago. I had a real positieve environment and realy needed that to be alble to completely focus on nu task of giving birth. A distrection, like someone who would bring tention to the situation would have been realy difficult. But to include the dad you could let him wait in another room and have a birth photographer so he still kan deze his child being born. Not ideal, but maby a good compromise?
He is legally bound to that child, but he was ALSO LEGALLY BOUND TO HER!! I would also like to know if he was there for the birth of his OTHER CHILD?!?!
My thing too (I know I'm biased as one who chooses never to have kids) is the kid won't remember who's in the hospital or not lol. Sure, my parents did take photos from the hospital when I was born and it's great for memories. But if those memories are attached to a piece of shit guy who cheated and ruined that relationship, was it worth it just to "benefit the child?" idk about that
@@GarliccDread also, that kid is unlikely to be like "where are the hospital photos?". The kid might never even think of it and if even they do, they'll be aware their parents are split up. Just give her this day to be vulnerable away from the person who hurt her.
With the second story about infertility, what got me was that “Beth” never said she wasn’t happy for the other girl’s pregnancy. She did the best she could to NOT steal her thunder, i.e. turning the camera off and insisting that she was ok. O.P. got mad bc the attention momentarily taken from her and therefore acted in a very incompassionate way. If Beth had stated that O.P. should have kept it to herself (as was done with Sam) I could understand her frustration. What she needs to realize is that you can be happy for someone while also wishing that you could experience the same thing. She sounds like the type of friend that tells you to “just focus on being happy” when you’re depressed bc she’s never experienced it herself.
How blindsided would you feel after 11 years of infertility one of your best friends on a group zoom chat being like Surprise I expect you to be outwardly happy for me and ignore all of your own feelings right now. So overwhelming! A heads up to her would have been a better idea and then let her decide if she wants to zoom or not!
I completely agree, Beth did everything she could in a very hard situation, and tried to be a great and supportive friend (which I say she was). OP is just a drama queen amd attention seeker. I can totally see the "just be happy" in her... I am depressed and my mom tells me that all the time, so it really did remind me of her.
When Sam talked about people complaining about her announcing her pregnancy triggered me hard man. The thought of being like 'you can't announce or talk about your pregnancy because I'm having fertility issues' is WILD to me. Like how dare you forbid a person to speak about one of the probably happiest experiences of their life because of your own issues? That's so self centered and egoistic! 🙄
I just commented about this too, it's so gross. I struggle with fertility but would NEVER. I can imagine it may have been done in moments of real heartbreak but that's not okay.
My SIL is struggling with this and she posted on Fathers Day asking everyone to stop posting their Father’s Day posts because it’s not fair that she can’t make her husband a father. Like what??? I am truly heartbroken for them but how can you ask everyone to stop celebrating their fathers just because your husband isn’t one?
@@alexagarcia6394 oh dear.....my mum died a few years ago and I just avoid social media on mother's day. Again, I know stuff like that comes from a place of heartbreak but it's very very not okay to put that on others.
The 14 year old child situation is so difficult. At the end of the day, the kid deserves to be in a loving home where they are wanted and get the help they need. If the grandparent doesn't want to take them in, the kid is going to know that. I feel for that kid.
Agree, I feel it’s so sad when you have a teen going between two homes that neither want her. I don’t think it’s the grandparents responsibility to take her in because the kid will still feel not wanted and as the poster stated, they had already planned their retirement. The parents should be looking for a way to straight their act and be adults instead of finding ways to loose custody.
I feel like that poor kid is gonna fall through the cracks. She needs some love and a safe place to be. I hope she ends up with someone who loves and supports her :(
I agree. And there's also another thing to consider and that's the age of the grandparent. Taking care of a child is a difficult job as it is but being able to get that particular child the help that she needs and raising her must be even harder. So that's a situation that an older person who eventually might be the one needing help due to health issues or just the difficulties that come with old age, would be worried to take on because what would happen to the child if a couple years after living with her grandparent he/she fell sick and became dependant? It's a really hard issue and I really feel sad for that child because it doesn't look like it's gonna get any better for her :(
Listening to the one about Beth now and feeling SO many feelings - I am so sorry Sam that people have reached out to you and told you they're disappointed you chose to share your pregnancy news. People should not put that on you. I am one of those people who struggle with fertility due to endometriosis and PCOS. I'm 33, married since I was 26, and have in the past year seen 20+ good friends become mothers (no joke, seriously 20+). I've been so happy for each and every one of them, while also acknowledging to myself that my role in my friendship groups is changing (as it should when people have a family!) and that I'm feeling pretty alone in that I am one of very few people now without a child. My best friend was hesitant to tell me because she's such a sweetheart, but as I said to her, good news deserves to be shared, and I'm so happy for her. I have pulled away from social media a little due to the sheer volume of pregnancy/baby content in the people I follow, but I would never expect people - especially a woman given how much other sh** we have to deal with - to moderate their content based on my needs. Honestly because of it I've found some awesome streamers on twitch that I love and it's been really cool to expand my interests in that way! Sorry, such a long comment. But sending Sam and Alyssa love and thankyous for providing lovely content always xx
I just want to let you know that your comment warmed my heart and I wish you the best of luck with your future family however that comes about. Through the compassion you have shown to your friends, you seem like the perfect person to pursue parenthood and I whole heatedly wish that for you because for what I can see any child raised by you would be kind and compassionate.
people that comment on other women’s pregnancy posts/progress enrage me. I COMPLETELY empathize with infertility issues, but YOUR struggles DO NOT have the power to censor other people. As long as the poster isn’t being an A-hole & isn’t like “omg it was so easy no problems at all, blah, blah....” then they are completely in the right to share anything & everything they want. As someone that struggles with ED, depression, and self harm, i can totally understand what some people post can be triggering. But MY mental health, MY safety, MY peace of mind is MY responsibility. How dare someone shame another person for being excited over something just bc it’s triggering to them. YOU are in control of who YOU follow. if something is triggering, unfollow. seriously. it’s just social media. just unfollow. unsubscribe. stop watching. but YOUR triggers do NOT dictate what others share - again, i am not talking about posts that are blatantly disrespectful or rude about delicate topics.
I think the whole birth one is like the birth is about who SHE wants to support her during labor and delivery .. it's not like she's keeping him from the actual child
I agree with you guys on the Beth AITA post. I had a similar situation on my first pregnancy, I found out just as a coworker has to suffered a loss of pregnancy- I can’t remember if she had to have an abortition a still birth or a miscarriage. However within that same appointment she finds out she has cancer and has to get a hysterectomy and go through chemo. She took a week or two off and when she came back I couldn’t bare the thought of her finding out that I was pregnant by someone, unfortunately before I could have a moment to tell her in private she “confronts” me about it right as I’m getting out of the restroom and I’m just in shock, dumbfounded and a bit angry that someone would tell her before I could. I tried to apologize for not telling her and started crying because I felt so guilty that she found out the way she did. She of course was happy for me but I felt horrible, ashamed and guilty that I was pregnant at that moment and had felt happy just earlier before work. So the fact that the OP cannot feel some sympathy or empathy towards her friends feeling is terrible. She is definitely the asshole in the situation.
The parents of the 14 year old are the assholes. You don’t get to have a child, raise it in whatever way until they’re 14 and then decide that the child’s inappropriate behaviour is too much and they don’t want her anymore. It doesn’t work that way. How pathetic that you’d rather lose custody of your own child than try and help her😩 Coming from somebody who works with very troubled, at risk youth I can say that those behaviours are a cry for help and instead of anybody wanting to help they’re just trying to pass the buck. Somebody, it doesn’t matter who it is, needs to step up and acknowledge that she is most likely feeling unwanted by those who are supposed to love her
That girl needs to get far away from all those family members because they're all too selfish to see that she really needs somebody to not abandon her.
Regarding the second one, with the infertile friend: my mom was pregnant with my little brother and her best friend was also pregnant. Her best friend had a miscarriage and was still completely supportive of my mom. In my mind that makes her super woman. My mom was incredibly grateful, but has admitted that she isn’t sure she would have been able to be so supportive if the roles had been reversed. I do think the friend in the story did the best she could. You can’t help how/when those emotions manifest. She turned her camera off, she was telling them she was fine, it was the rest of them who kept prying. I agree with Sam and Alyssa. The poster should have talked to that friend one on one.
Sam dropping straight FACTS about the douche being in the delivery room. AND he’s emotionally manipulating her by trying to make guilt trip her into letting him be there.
The fact that he's trying to emotionally manipulate her (and blame her for him cheating) shows that he's absolutely the a****** and doesn't take accountability for his own actions!!! He can get f*****.
Totally feel Alyssa with her feeling left behind/late. Two of my closest friends are married and one is already trying for a child, and here I am, in a relationship but not engaged or anything. I'm not jealous and am seriously happy for them but it makes me feel sad sometimes that they are already at that milestone and I'm not.
Same situation but my friends are all graduating college/getting engaged and it's a little stressful. I can't imagine how much more pressure people feel when their close friends start families when they are not quite there yet.
😂😂😂 I can totally see how that would throw you off if you’ve never heard of it. It’s actually called Dragon’s Den in multiple countries (their own locally produced show, it’s all the same concept). It’s been around for a lot longer than Shark Tank!
For the first situation - stress can actually delay labour & could possibly put the baby and mother in danger. A birthing Mom had the right to be stress free and not worried about assholes when she is giving birth. When the baby is born & the golden hour is over, then the asshole can join at the hospital to meet his daughter.
When it comes to the story about the grandparent that doesn’t want to take the granddaughter in... I do understand where they’re coming from but if I were in the granddaughter’s shoes... I don’t think I’d want anything to do with all three of them ever again. And they all need to be prepared for that.
Yeah these parents sound extremely shitty and if I were the grandchild I also wouldnt exactly forgive my grandparent for not taking me in if I am going through such horrible things as a teen Edit: to be clear I agree the kid is not the grandparent's responsibility but yeah don't expect to ever have a relationship with your grandkid
@@nanao22 exactly. I’m African American so I thought maybe it might be a culture thing too. In no universe would any member of my family let my son go to foster care for any reason. Even if he just lived in their home and someone else did the raising, he would never leave the family as long as there was a living family member.
@@nanao22 yeah I can’t help but wonder what became of her. Hopefully she’s in a better situation with people who are more invested in her well being. Maybe getting away from her family would be the best thing for her. But it’s still heartbreaking to hear so many people unapologetically saying they don’t want her.
That's pretty much the conclusion I came down to. She needs to get far away from those people, every last one of them. I just hope she can heal from all the abandonment.
I 100% agree that this child will most likely not want to be in her families life once she is able to make that decision, but at the same time I do not think it is the grandparents responsibility to take in that child. My own grandmother raised her 4 grandchildren because their mother couldn’t give less of a fuck, and it was a hypothetical question at some point of would we take in a child. We said no. My cousins are amazing and I love them and it is none of their faults and we will always be like siblings but it is not my parents responsibility to take care of a child they did not plan to have. My parents wanted 2 kids, they had them. Unfortunately it is up to the parents to be responsible and be the adults in this situation.
To sum it all up, if you own something, you are not obligated to share it with anyone and do not owe anyone anything. If something is not your responsibility, you are not obligated to make it your responsibility. It doesn't make you an asshole, it makes you an adult. If you have a giving heart, great, but if not then that doesn't make you a bad person. It's important to have boundaries and be able to say no. Period. Lol
In regards to the first story, it’s AMAZING to me how far parents can go to justify their children’s actions. I found out in May that my husband was having an affair with my “best friend” of 30+ years. I was devastated. He’s turned emotionally, financially, and even physically abusive in the months since. He’s been told many times by the mediator that he’s emotionally abusing our children by taking bad about me to them. His parents have stood completely behind him and now somehow have turned me into the bad guy. I have no idea how. It’s mind boggling. They are out to destroy me and keep calling the police on me for nonsense reasons like not letting them remove property when I have legal exclusive possession of the house and contents right now. If you ask my in-laws, I’m the asshole in this case even though he’s the d-bag.
There is this weird thing where if you work & don't live with your parents people assume you are doing "well off" and have an excess of money they can ask for... like no, that means I have a lot of bills to pay lol
I appreciated this podcast episode a lot. The second scenario speaks volumes to myself, my husband and I have been struggling to get pregnant for the past 4 years. I have had numerous friends within the last few months get pregnant, and I wholeheartedly appreciated both of your inputs in regards to this type of situation. Both of my friends that had gotten pregnant conveyed that to me in a respectful manner. It's all about how it's presented. I respect both you ladies SO much, and appreciate you bringing these type of topics to the table. Just like with pregnancy, infertility can feel isolating so the topic being discussed made me feel heard. Love you ladies!
100% he forfeited his rights to that family. If you wanted to be there for the birth of your child you probably shouldn’t have been having an affair with another woman while your wife was pregnant.
With the last one...also, it’s the expectation of his friend that bothers me. He is not owed living at his friend’s home. He declined the offer years ago and doesn’t have the right to expect for his friend to give him the spare room. I love to give, but it bothers me when my generosity is expected or felt owed to others. That’s not giving, that’s taking...in my opinion.
Okaayy, the grandparent is older in age and I respect her for saying that she does not have the capacity to raise their grandchild. The grandchild deserves a caregiver that can meet her needs. I 100 percent feel that the grandparent is not at all the *sshole. Oh man this thread is infuriating.
I had a miscarriage 13 weeks along. Then lost both my ovaries. This all before I was 21. All I have ever deeply wanted to be is a mother. It felt like my soul was cracked in half when all of this happened. But all of that pain and emotional anguish never made me wish other women would stop announcing their pregnancies or being happy about them. On the other hand, all of my female friends have been so incredibly kind and sensitive towards me when they became pregnant, without me having to say i needed that. They were understanding when i could not emotionally bare attending baby showers (though i was always excited to get them something from their registries). If that second woman had been my friend and spoken to me that way, I would not ever speak to her again. It is so disrespectful in a friendship to expect your friends to put aside or push down their emotions for your life. Friendship is a give and take, it is love and trust. That woman was absolutely the ass hole.
Weirdly I was the in the exact situation of the last post. I am 27 and I live in Seattle with my boyfriend. Thanks to Papa Bezos rent prices here are OUTRAGEOUS. It’s not uncommon to need $3,000-$4,000 to put down for a studio apartment. Obviously this can be difficult if not impossible if you are moving from a smaller town, where $7.25 is the minimum wage, or are just out of college. For my boyfriend's childhood friend (Pebble) he had both hurdles. My boyfriend is from an incredibly small town where most people work as loggers or run small farms. It's a miracle either of them got out with all their fingers and without drug habits. Pebble took a few extra years to finish college where he got a degree in creative writing. As you can imagine there isn't a huge need for that in a logging town so Pebble worked at a grocery store during and after college. My boyfriend and Pebble used to always talk about moving in together so they could conquer the city together and eventually he asked if he could move in with him (and subsequently me). I agreed to let Pebble move in with us temporarily and not pay rent so he could get a foothold here. I am a huge softy for friendships and honestly a bit of a people pleaser. In all honesty it was really difficult and emotionally draining for me since he ended up living with us for 6 months and I didn't really know him before. However; in that time Pebble was able to get a new job that paid better, pay off his medical debts; buy a car (pretty essential for having a job here) and find new roommates with affordable rent. I don’t think I would EVER do something like that again but I don’t regret it at all. My boyfriend was able to help out a childhood friend in a really meaningful way and Pebble is still doing great! Obviously this isn’t always the case but if the friend is really willing to put in the work to make things better (even just a little bit!) I think it’s more than worth it to help them get a head start somewhere with more opportunity. I don't think 6 months of free/discount rent is needed but even a month to get themselves oriented in a new place and emotional support can make a world of difference. (side note: just got my smoke reflect and I have never felt so glamorous in lockdown)
That's great that you had that situation work so well for you! In contrast, my parents have taken in so many of my family members. I've had somebody living in the guest room the entire time we've lived in this house. They end up staying for years, not saving any money, not becoming more responsible, and in the end not being any better off. In fact, some of them resent being kicked out after long overstaying their welcome, breaking rules, not paying rent, and not doing anything to better their life. It's been absolutely frustrating to see and I now don't believe in taking in anybody.
As someone who is almost 60 the notion that yours or anyone's older parent should EVER be asked to take your kids short of a parental death is BS. WE have already done this, and MOST important Physically, mentally and emotionally we are at a VERY different place! My mom and myself had to deal w/raising one of my siblings kids and it is exhausting and the irresponsible parent will always show back up after taking advantage and then you are dealing w/that drama! My husbands parents also stuck their nose in one of his siblings life and took that grandchild, what a mess that became!
The one with the friend and the spare room , here’s the thing, in the states anyway, you are setting yourself up to get f’d over. If that person stays in your room for more than 30 days rent free without a lease. They have a right to reside there “ squatters rights” it will take you months maybe a year to legally evict/eject them if they decide they don’t want to leave. I see this all the time in my work. Don’t let people move in without a signed lease and rent payments, not family not friends , I see this everyday. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I totally disagree about the grandparent situation. The child is a child, even at 14. They deserve a safe space and a caring guardian. It’s only 4 years until they’re off to college or working. As a grandparent you can’t spend a few years giving them a safe space to call home? Sure, it’s not their fault the kid’s parents suck (though, maybe? They did raise the mother...) but they’re in a situation where both parents are threatening to get themselves thrown in jail to avoid custody. That poor child has to know how unwanted they are. That kind of situation f*cks you up. I couldn’t imagine wanting that child to be put in foster care so you can live your life without care the way you’d planned. Where’s the empathy for the innocent child? I feel like if the kid was 10 or younger most people would have a different perspective, but 14 is still super young.
While I get what you are saying do you truly understand the undertaking it will be for this grandparent? It’s extremely heartbreaking that this child has endured so much abuse and neglect at the hands of her parents but four years living with a grandparent isn’t going instantly make her a happy well adjusted person. I hope someone can take her in and get her the therapy she needs. But I have a sibling who works as a state prosecutor, they did juvenile court for 5 years before moving to adult division. That young girl is headed down a dark path regardless of her grandparent taking her in. It’s really sad .
Beth has a TERRIBLE friend, so insensitive!!! Beth is allowed to cry and have friends ask if she is alright, especially dealing with infertility issues. 😩😩😩 Woman's thunder was Not stolen, because she herself is still pregnant no matter how poor Beth feels!! 💔
I had a really good friend that was 14 when he overheard everybody having this exact conversation about him. He'd never been a burden to anybody though. That being stated he blew his head off with a shotgun that night. He was 14 years old and he did so because NOBODY wanted him and he overheard them all arguing about how they did not want him. Everybody think long and hard before you have children because the repercussions can be lifetimes. Every child is everybody's responsibility. When the world figures THAT out we might just evolve
I relate to Beth/Alyssa in that situation more than I realized. Thank you for validating my feelings towards a similar situation I experienced. Appreciate you both xx
For the first post: As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I agree with Sam. I'm not sure I would want that person to be in the picture at all after that, because my ex was partially so traumatized from an abusive parent that stayed in the picture, and was likely mirroring that parent's behavior. I wouldn't want the same thing to happen to my child. I would want to end the cycle of abuse then and there.
On the pregnancy announcement one, I definitely think the poster was the asshole. I understand wanting to be the center of attention, but not allowing her to have feelings is bullshit. I had a similar experience with my first child and announcing it to my sister. I knew she struggled and felt awkward telling her, but obviously I needed to eventually. She immediately cried and left the room - which absolutely hurt my feelings. But, I was adult enough to allow her to have her feelings and she did feel badly and apologize about it. But again, I also didn't lash out at her about it. Next time I plan to announce it by sending a gift about being an aunt again to her house. She'll get the message, and be allowed to have her own feelings in private before she calls me to discuss it. Also, I'm wearing Ego and Morganite today and feel stunning, so thank you ❤
I don’t understand how it would hurt your feelings, shes not upset because you’re having a child but because its a reminder she cant. Her pain had nothing to do with her. Its like expecting someone to be happy you climbed a mountain when their leg was sliced in half
Lmao me watching this as I sit on the couch looking to my left at my 4 huskies who got 100% on their wellness checks like...”are you guys okay??”🥺 “Do you like me... am I doing okay?😭”
*Nobody* has ”the right” to be in the delivery room except for the person giving birth, and that person has all the right to decide who they want there to support them. The cheating husband in this scenario has *no rights* in the birthing process, none what so ever. He doesn’t have the right to watch his child being pushed out of his wife’s vagina, nor to cut the umbilical cord or have that first precious newly born baby skin to skin contact. He blew that chance when he cheated on her. Visitation rights, custody arrangements and financial responsibilities are legal concerns that happens afterwards, and there is where he can begin to claim his rights as a father. But not during the process where *her body* is doing all the hard work. He doesn’t own her or the right to be physically close to her, especially not when she is at her most vulnerable.
The third story’s problem can be summed up like a TikTok: ”Tell me you live in the United States of America, without telling me you live in the United States of America”: A leading first world country with no comprehensive sexual education or affordable birth control, combined with wide spread narrow minded purtitan christian ideology, particularly concerning termination of pregnancies, which leads to immature teenage parents who are socially encouraged/enforced into marriage, and who, because of lacking maturity and financial conditions, eventually will destroy both their own lives and the lives of the children they are incapable of taking care of.
Giving someone a free opportunity to get out of their parents house when they haven’t taken the initiative themselves, in my experience, will just encourage them to give even less effort. Because now they’re able to be “out on their own” with no additional effort.
as a woman this made me so mad. my finace was in a shitty relationship with a woman who was toxic ASF. they had a daughter together. he begged her to stop 🛑 doing toxic things and she refused, so he left. he left her the house, car, money, etc. but she wouldn't let him take their child and then put a false restraining order against him so he legally couldn't take her, after that she then forced him into signing a agreement for 50/50 custody and 20% visitation. 2 years later here we are taking her ass to court (literally tomorrow morning) because she doesn't allow him to have a say in anything about their child, never tells him when child is sick, etc. he DID NOT GIVE UP THE RIGHT TO BE A FATHER for leaving her !!! that is sooo messed up!!! men can still be a father AND be in child's life more than just on the weekend!!! GTFO
Love AITA podcasts 😍 it was really interesting to hear your views, would love it if you did another in the future! Also hard agree the grandparent isn’t the asshole, that being said the ketchup one was very controversial lol how dare his friends not provide a full out performance in a random restaurant
3) Neither parent wants this kid? No wonder the kid is acting out. For years, not being wanted be the two people who are supposed to want you. They're actively trying to get rid of her. Those "parents" are super effed up.
However, the way the grandparent wrote the situation also sounds like they don't want to be stuck with a teenage nusiance either. It's valid they can't or don't want to take care of a teen in this part of their life, especially when it's not their responsibility. But it's extremely effed that not one of her blood family WANTS her. She should get far away from all of them. Yes, the grandparents are an asshole. The kid never asked for any of this!
For the first one I think that the cheating husband should NOT be in the delivery room or even the hospital WHILE she is giving birth and everything but I still think he has the right to see THEIR child in the hospital. If that was me I would personally let the father in after I have been settled into the hospital room, not the delivery room.
As someone with fertility issues, its always hard and that doesnt change, HOWEVER think about how shitty it would be if your close friend didnt include you in their great news because you couldnt be happy for them.
Grandparent story- This child was getting drunk at 11 and has a parent who has admitted to drinking in driving with them in the car hopping to get into an accident. This kid has been through some serious trauma. And grandparent, the kid is 14. They will be 18 in 4 years. In the you, most people don’t even retire until 65 (meaning grandparent will be 64). 60 is not old. Not like they’re raising a new born. This kid needed serious help and it’s disgusting the grandparent didn’t stick up for them. And yes, we all have a moral obligation to protect children from harm. We might not have the means to take a kid in, but calling CPS is free. I know foster care can be bad, but at least they’re probably not putting the child’s life at risk, unlike the home they are in
I LOVED this episode, it was just so entertaining and easy to watch. I never felt bored or uninterested. It would be really nice to do more like this every so often for sure!
As a child that was passed around because family. Don’t do that. I was abandoned as soon as it was convenient, I was made to pay my way as a child, it was not a priority to get me to school but my fault I was failing. I wished for a long time I had been placed in foster care and the biggest reason is because as a new adult I was homeless. Had I been a foster kid housing programs would have been available for me. As well as so many other things. I know foster care is not a glamorous life but neither is life with drug addicts
I am 28 years old and watching this made me realize I’ve never seen a photo of my real dad holding me. No surprise really since he’s not in my life (still) but he is on my birth certificate.
I loved this. So freaking funny! My brother had two ducks when he was single.. but he kept them in his fenced in yard with their own pool. Not a tiny apartment 🤣
To persuade you on the last one-- I think the point the commenter was trying to make was that the OP wasn't an asshole, but he also wasn't necessarily being a good friend. The OP had known his friend ever since they were kids, and they were really close. The OP later posted an update, saying that he did take that comment to heart and rethought the situation. This is a snippet of the update post: "I really appreciated all the responses to my post, but they did initially make me righteously angry, if that makes sense? Through my N-T-A validation, I was kind of getting annoyed at Bill, thinking ‘what right did he have to my home, and how dare he be mad about an offer I made 4 years ago’. And then I read the above comment and suddenly thought, yeah, he’s got no right to be mad at me but if he really is one of my best friends, then surely I should help him if I can? And the fact is, I totally can." I don't think the friend is trying to take advantage of OP or is a lazy douchebag, I think he was just down on his luck and was looking to OP to help him up. The whole mindset of "you don't owe them anything!!" in the AITA sub is kind of problematic, because while yeah, often you don't owe people anything. But that would be a pretty sad world to live in, if people only helped when they had to. Espcially since OP and his friend were lifelong best friends. Just because you're not an asshole doesn't mean you're a good person.
I was on sam and alyssa’s side on this, but now that I think of it, I’m not so sure. Like if i have stayed best friends with someone for this long, I would do what I can to help them. He should know more than anything if he’s the type that’s lazy or unreliable. But it doesn’t sound like the OP mentioned anything of the sort. Also, just because you’re 30 and living with your parents and are unhappy with your life doesn’t make you a terrible and lazy POS. It’s hard to know everything in that situation. I don’t necessarily think the OP was being a bad person, I think he was just thinking about himself...which I know sounds bad but it sounds like he has his ish together and feels uncomfortable disrupting that. But the discomfort around that would only be temporary, but could absolutely help his best friend in the long run.
I disagree. Having them move in would probably destroy the friendship. I’ve lived with people who crashed on my couch and it’s so easy to get resentful. It’s easy to see the little things they do and get mad when they don’t “do more” to be self sufficient when you wouldn’t care if they weren’t living with you. Having the person live with you doesn’t give you the right to control their choices, but it’s so easy to get resentful. Also, for some people space is sacred. I need my alone time and space.
@@reverly2302 I completely agree. Moving someone into your home, especially when you’re starting a new chapter in a new house with a partner will literally affect everything. Your comfort, your relationship, you peace of mind and more than likely that friendship. You can 100% help someone without moving them into your home. And let us not forget that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves, and there is no guarantee that letting him move in would result in anything positive. Not to mention that this friend doesn’t necessarily sound like that great of a friend if he doesn’t respect the OPs boundaries. I would give or lend someone money, help them find a new job, help them find access to therapy, have them over more often to get them out of the house. We lived with friends for almost 5 years on mutual ground and although we loved most of it, we were all insanely happy to get our own space back.
Most places (in the US at least) only allow a delivering mom to have one person with her (EDIT: right now, due to covid). No way she should have to suffer only having that douche and not an actual supportive, caring person with her. Delivery is stressful enough in the first place, I can't imagine what I would have done without someone I loved and trusted with me to help me.
First: he should have thought about his child before betraying the child's mother and putting her through all this stress during pregnancy, pregnancy is not a disease but it is a very delicate state for a woman's health in which stress can cause many irreversible physical and psychological damage. He is not insisting on being there for loving the child, he is insisting on being there to punish the child's mother for not accepting him back.
One of the best episodes yet - my favourite podcasters and my favourite subreddit rolled into one. Would love to see you do this again but with r/relationships!!
Loved this episode. Sam I am fully with you on the first one. I also think there is a huge difference between having him there for the birth vs getting to meet the baby very soon after. Getting to be there for the birth is a privilege, and if he’s going to make the situation any harder for her, she fully has the right to say he can’t be there.
Telling people they have a responsibility to take care of a whole human that isn’t theirs doesn’t mean that they have that responsibility. My neighbor found 13 stray kittens and said I have to take them in because I love animals and now they are my problem…. No they aren’t, they are yours. My friend has a kid, do I have the responsibility to now take care of that child any time I am desired as if I’m a parent? No I do not, the kid didn’t come out of me and we aren’t together. Just because someone chooses a path doesn’t mean you need to walk down the same path!
Oooh please do a podcast about finances in relationships/friendships etc, like what you were saying about lending money! My boyfriend often has to lend me money, and is fully like you don’t have to pay me back but I do/will.... we earn pretty much the same but I have more outgoings than he does, it makes me feel so low and awful that he can afford pretty much whatever he wants, and I have to budget for everything and yet I still love to ‘treat myself’ especially in these trying times, what else is there to do other than buy shit online!! But he can literally buy super expensive shoes and jackets etc and I tend to buy things (cause I clearly have underlying issues) and then return it all. Just wondered what your thoughts are on these sorts of things xxxxx
I can't believe there are people telling Sam she shouldn't have shared! Is it that hard to not say something if you don't agree with someone else's happiness?? Sam's having a baby has nothing to do with your personal life, but everything to do with her own personal life!
OMG I had two ducks and they are the messiest creatures ever, soooo much poop! And we had them in a large pen OUTSIDE and they were still a major hassle! I cannot imagine an APARTMENT with 5!
"If I'm willing to do something for somebody, it's because I'm expecting absolutely nothing in return and that's the bottom line." What a clever way to say this, I'm hanging that on my wall!
I 1,000 percent don’t think the grandparent is the asshole. Grandparents are not obligated to raise grandkids and often they are so old and tired that they lot a lot of things slide and the children continue to get into trouble. I think it’s admirable for the grandparent to acknowledge her feelings and be able to admit that she isn’t willing to be a parent all over again. I feel like if she went against her gut and ended up taking the grandchild, she would probably end up with resentment and kids can feel that!
