”People who develop the relationship adaptation style of codependency decide at a subconscious level that because no one is really concerned for their welfare, benefit and best interests, the best way to survive is to get their own needs met by sacrificing parts of themselves so as to conform to other people’s interests and creating an attuned emotional contract with them, whereby their own needs are manipulatively met in exchange for doing so”. Teal Swan. Thank you Teal 🌎
Same. I'm really trying to work on this and have noticed I'm becoming myself again, expressing my thoughts and ideas without worry if other people agree or not. I just want to re-remember what it is I like to do.
As I listened to this video, I realized that I no longer identify with any of these things as a former codependent. I just quit work at a toxic and codependent workplace and have set up boundaries with my enmeshed mother. I am proud of myself for realizing the truth and doing these things at 22 years old ❤
Just did the same with my mum at 28. The most freeing, liberating and healing work I have ever done. I was able to achieve so much even under the pressure and living in that past reality and now I'm just so excited to see what I can do without that noose around my neck. I feel like I could go at 100 miles an hour! ❤️ YOU CAN BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yeah totally, me too. 😂 This was an eye-opener… but I think with a slight adjustment this awareness of others emotional states can still be a gift. We just take step back, learn to be the mirror. The reflection happens on it’s own instead of me needing to take the shape of the match. We can hold space for their experience and there’s harmony there. Maybe? Anyway, I’m guessing there’s a hidden boon in this weakness. Gotta feel it out. 🙂
I also think there can be a positive side to this. I’m really good at establishing rapport with all different kinds of people and when I was teaching English to foreign students, that really helped me. But it’s not great in one on one relationships, that’s for sure. I can’t do intimacy.
@@karenlien1900 I feel this in myself as well :) we can and will transmute our neurosis into great gifts, otherwise, we wouldn't be watching videos like this one ;)
@@ProfessorGothic I don’t “tell people” that I can’t do intimacy because I didn’t even realize it until after I got married. Then I became physically ill and, in retrospect, I’m thinking that perhaps it was partly psychological and partly physical because I did have Epstein-Barr syndrome. If I was aware enough to tell someone that, I wouldn’t enter into a relationship knowing that because it wouldn’t be fair to the other person. You make me sound like not only a coward, but an asshole. I’m neither of those. I actually stepped up to the plate when my husband became ill with Lewy body dementia and Parkinson’s and I took care of him for four years and watched him starve to death in front of me when he could no longer swallow. I let him chase me around the house when he was psychotic and occasionally hit me because Lewy body is a combination of Alzheimer’s, paranoid schizophrenia and Parkinson’s. It broke my heart and I no longer care about life because he was the love of my life. I will carry the regret that our relationship wasn’t all it could be till the day I die, but it was also the best relationship that I’ve ever had and I was able to give him a lot that other people never did. we had something most people only dream about. And for you to call me a coward when you don’t even know me is just such ignorance and meanness that I don’t ever wanna hear from you again. You should not be posting on here. You’re judgemental and again, ignorant. You know nothing about the situation. That’s not what I said at all. Most of the things, in fact probably all of the things that Teal talks about that people do arethings they do unconsciously until they realize it. That’s what shadow work is. You might want to look it up. P. S. And usually when a person has problems with intimacy it’s because they were raised with no one they could trust, or were abused, or in my case, both. I’m a much stronger and braver person than you could even imagine.
If you mean needing to be confluent to survive, that was something violently forced more commonly before. Look up the black pedagogy. There was a phrase that is "the silent child is the best child" (peraphrased). If you think we live in more co-dependent times now, your world is probably upside down.
yes i feel danger when i point out something my family member did wrong to me that angered me. even when i say it in a nice and kind way i still feel this fear kicking in my system with a sense of guilt with it for pointing out something. maybe this is the cause. From now on my boundary is a priority even if it upset others
Teal Swan is so frustrated with us for being stupid. (Ignorant is a nicer concept 🙂) All this hits the nail on the head though. “Confluence regardless the cost” could’ve been my motto. So clear… That I’m reinforcing inauthenticity in others by harmonizing with it. I totally totally do that and I hereby aspire to stop! Great content that we can’t get elsewhere. Thank you!
I don't think Teal is "frustrated with us for being stupid." I would like to think she is not that judgemental and certainly doesn't see herself as superior to the human race. It is great to recognize the gifts that healers bring, but let's not put them on a pedestal above us. That is how cults are formed. When we see the other as seeing us as stupid, it is we who are judging ourselves.
I think a Teal Sean book about co-dependency is a damn good idea. I’d read the hell out of that. You’re pretty good with words. Thanks, Teal! Love and light. 💕
I think that its important to note that when describing the difference between how the two feel in your body. Codependents low sense of value in themselves causes us to not associate any type of goodness with our true selves hence the side that is True, (i.e. something about us we can't deny) often feels like nothingness.
Omggg 😲 that's true! I was practicing the exercise but the real truth didn't feel like anything. There was no sensation in my body. Thanks! That really helped
This is painful to listen to. This is what we did as children to survive. Now as adults we have to find people who are willing to look deeper to enter relationship with. To find a compatible person who is willing to explore this stuff has not been easy for me. When you are dating someone that you don't know and there is alot of attraction energy happening people can say and do alot of false stuff to present themselves in a way that makes it appear that they are compatible but then as time goes by you discover that the guy who swore he was so into camping and hiking really in truth loves to sit and watch tv and could care less about the hiking because he just said it and invested hundreds of $ in equipment because he was carried away by sexual chemistry/loneliness. Then there you are sitting in a tent with someone who doesn't have any interest in being there and you feel way more alone being with them than if you had just gone by yourself. I am really curious about the being truthful, not compromising your truth and being respectful of your partner's truth and finding a way to make it mutually fulfilling. Some people are worth the effort to be in relationship with. Some people aren't. Dang, there is so much to learn.
Im separated now from such a guy who did everything for me while I always felt lonely with his behavior wondering what was wrong with my feelings. Now I know more. Thx to Teal ❤
Well, now I finally know that my truth is that I'm a lazy, undisciplined individual, who wants to do nothing really. It feels right, and changing anything about my circumstances is too hard. When people tell me, that I'm meant for self-actualization, it feels like relief, but not solid.
Sounds like you are all stuck in infantile mode. Who knows why 🤷🏻♀️ But think how much more rewarding being an adult with free choice of actions is than being an infant and you will understand that something is wrong. You are living a half life out of fear. Maybe because of lack of true support in your growing and learning process.
I have spent my life trying so hard to not be Iulius, and trying to be "Yira", my ideal self, not realizing I was lying to myself about authenticity all along. Authenticity is discovered, not created. Creating identity and improvement toward an ideal self is the next step.
You present these information and ideas beautifully. Really clear and well organised. Your work will definitely make a difference and be beneficial to anybody listening.
I used to sacrifice my "bad" part of me to create harmony around, letting people doing and saying anything, even if those things are against my boundaries and my personal truth. I keep attracting passive aggressive persons and now i understand why: they sollecitate that part in me that I used to kill 'cause it wants to be alive. It's time to review my priorities and speak my disappointment, even if this creates fractures instead of playing dead and keeping a "good living" wich mantains confluence with others but is totally false. Thanks Teal.
I do this and I hate it. I just have nothing solid to start with or work from. I started suppressing myself a long time ago to get along and avoid the pain of being abandoned for being 'myself'. But when I think about who I am I don't know who I am and deep down further I know no one will like me or will want to be around me. I don't know how to get to the core truth about myself. It is so hard. So painful.
Gabor Mate’s new book talks about this too. Prioritizing attachment for authenticity. So important to remain true to ourselves so that we don’t lose ourselves in relationships and chose right.
This is the most eye-opening video (and painful in a lot of ways become of that) on codependency I have seen so far. I am getting closer and closer to unraveling this in my life. What you described about confluence vs an internal truth (and how to discern it), clicked a few more puzzle pieces into place. Very fittingly, I am watching it after just having arrived with my family for Xmas. 😁 Thank you Teal and universe - perfect timing for a very helpful deepening of self-awareness! And happy Xmas to you and everyone here! ❤
and this is why scapegoats get into this rut of isolation and exile. we were NOT ABLE under any circumstances to create confluence. the only way to 'belong' was to BE WHAT DIDNT BELONG. kept like a zoo animal in an enclosure
Everything in this video is true true true. "Codependence" is painful and sneaky and sometimes even conceals itself as being an "Empath" and probably lots of other things. Worth every effort to escape this horrible way of living.
*@TEAL SWAN I AM A DAY ONE SUBSCRIBER & I'VE GROWN IN SPIRIT WITH THESE VIDEOS, U ELIMINATE & EXPLAIN IT FOR ALL AGES TO OVERSTAND, THANKS FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENLIGHTMENT PLUS WISDOM, KEEP UP THE DIVINE WORK 😇*
Great video! I think it can be pretty fun to discover our own personal truths in all the small ways they show up. It's like everyday we can get a clearer and clearer picture of who we really are.
One thing...if you've never had therapy 😞...hearing this lifestyle is heart wrenching! Because this is Me-- learning and hearing this hurts like hell! Work on me -- Holy Spirit.. thank you for this video 😭😞😢🙏
@@wendyyang4717, take heart. You are not alone. The guilt and shame will only worsen things. I've been having codependency induced panic attacks and depression for weeks now. I know how it is.
And this happens not just in relationships but in every aspect of life. I try to explain it but I fail, everytime I see someone mindlessly following societal rules/programming and they say they do it because they want to and because it feels right. You know it's not from an authentic place, but they do it anyways. Of course it feels right! It doesn't make resistance with the sh*it you have in your mind and with what society and other people told you to believe! And I experience this too because I think it's a human thing (when someone validates something that feeds my ego and my vanity, for example), but I work on reprogramming myself even if the validation and the external reaffirmation feels good. I'm aware of my shadow and my ego and I don't follow what feels right. I only follow internal wisdom. I love your content ❤
Treating with suspicion something that brings you confluence is one of the hardest thing to do when you’re in it Your inner personal truth has to scream it’s pain out in order for you to finally hear it despite that strong need for confluence
I have been doing some angelic work in order to see myself. I feel like it is no accident that I am seeing more of your videos. This video was like a mirror. I'm seeing myself like I never have before Thank you, Teal Swan
Last few sentences hit the house hard. Thanks to Teal I’m getting more and more aware of my behavior and thinking and feeling patterns. Now I started wondering maybe even not being able to fight to end an already ended relationship is also related to this confluence addiction.
I can totally relate to this. I hate liars but I remember when my ex used to lie I used to convince myself it is truth because I couldn't live with the fact that I would have to leave him because I hate liars.
I feel like I’m reverse guilty of this. Like I tell myself I don’t care how others feel because I was true to myself and they can go suck it! Even though I DO care and am hurt but completely unwilling to abandon myself to satisfy someone else. So, I just take the loss and become defensive. Sometimes I’m not sure how it is better, but I wouldn’t change it anyway 🤪
I would never stay in a relationship long term without the desire of a partner to at least try to better understand confluence. It isn't as agency directed as some might assume. But someday it will be easier for most people to find direction and connection
This was very well put together 😊 i always needed harmony between myself and others even if i had to place myself second. But now i live abroad and i am feeling what i want and need instead of listening to others. I just had my first tattoo to celebrate self expression and that i am gonna be friends with myself again 😊
just today i noticed that you talk about psychology rather then spirituality. took me years to realize. no idea what to think about that at the moment XD thank you though : )
Waw ! I'm so mindblown...It's so exactly that. I work a lot on this problem of mine and just integrated one part of that just before you published this video. And your exercise, I needed it so much in my tool box. Thank you thank you thank you !
that's real good cover-up here. Still, relationships and constantly evolving with them is your best bet and might be what makes you able to save yourself. Because when you grew up in an environment that caused you to be on the codependent spectrum, than a lot of other traits will most likely come with that, like the inability to really take care of yourself, to really be happy just beeing calm and save, or even developing other goals then confluence. So if conflunce is what you are seeking most, then it is important to develop the skills that make it possible for you to stay in conflict for a moment of time and still feel yourself. Because only if you are save enough and if you can get enough confluence, then you will be able to develop further and find other highest priority goals, worth striving for and develop real sense of selfworth.
To each their own among a collective of the self versus "the other". We are energetic beings that want unity naturally. "To come back home to itself". However, there WILL be a shift or a paradigm in which oneself or the other will resist In such happening. The occurrence in which oneself "attachment styles" is to relate to the other. While confluence just like a river or stream will have codependency within itself between calm and chaos. The symbiotic state of truth. The state of being between where the water meets land. This rolling affect when vibrations bounce off of the surface of the other.
I am so grateful that I came across your channel Teal! Your messages are really helping me with my past traumas and hang ups that I still have. So thankful for you and what you do for others!!!
Welcome to Teal's community!♥️ Personally I listen to her lessons for about 5 years, yet still feel like an ant listening to Einstein...she is a Goddess from another planet🙏
So amazing to recognize finally what I was suffering of in every relationship till now: confluence addicted and not knowing more about my adjustment patterns. Wow 🤩 thank you so much for your emotional intelligence. It’s really powerful ❤
I had a near death experience in 2013. I had no idea about " spirituality " before hand . I found your channel in that time after my NDE and thought I was going crazy. You made ,e not feel crazy, not feel alone. I think you had 5k subs then. Proud to see how you have grown🙏
I really don’t know when I am doing it till it’s too late! Then I am paralyzed by fear of abandonment or punishment when I am confronted with their dismissal or denial of me and my warns
Saved this video yup! Lmao. Painful sort of laugh. Kind of foxholish. Couldn't help but audibly laugh at 18:50. Definitely playing this in the morning while I do my wall pilates--- if I do them. Ungrounded me so much after watching this that I plugged my passcode into the microwave timer trying to warm up coffee. Lol. Thank you
22:39 Helped me click into place some of what I've learned about Authenticity. ~ People like you more when they trust & respect you, so being truthful about who you are (i.e., risking people disliking you, by not desperately seeking confluence) builds better, safer-feeling relationships. Giving the world what you think you should recieve creates a feedback loop; projecting loving kindness & compassion with those you interact with can encourage others to bring that to their relationships. By witnessing you being authentic without fear, they may find less resistance (i.e., lose excuses to deny) to accepting parts of their identity, further manifesting a world of people who are existing more in alignment. ~ Bit of an essay, but I'm ever so grateful to Teal & the community, and am wishing you all well 💚
I get panic when I sence I'm going to loose sombody. I carry this from I was a baby and mammy had to go many times to hospital, and when she came home I didn't even recognize her ❤..it will feel good...until they leave..or die. I love risks, I ride horses, walk in the forests alone ( coz nobody wants to como along with me😂😂😂) I love diving in the Sea ❤.. but I'm damn scared of losing ANYBODY in my Familly, and my wonderful, New girlfriends, it has gone almost 3 years, since my man died of cáncer, I had a catarsis so deep, it destroyed me totally so NOW I try to build up a new network, a new Sissel, and seek inside myself, practizing that Resilence stuff which really is difficult, I rather jump up, instead of calming and being resilent.... There are so much to learn!!! Thanks, Teal Swan ❤ I'm scared, Teal Swan!! I'm scared of men, now. And also scared of all this lonelyness!!! I know a guy, he's just HORRIBLE TOTALLY PLANE. So I don't go to his farm Coz he treats me as if I don't even exist. Its so patronizing, but I have no other place to go!!! So I go there, I reject him, but he always tries to get me layed, and each time I tell him that I have no libido, and I don't have sex with anyone if me, myself, I, don't want it!! But he always tries. So its getting worse every time. He's not a good man for me, my body is allergic to him. It's just so hard to be alone so very very much, Teal Swan, but I think my Life is changing to the better, coz I've got 2 new girlfriends, which is making Life worth while!!!.
I haven't listened to your videos in a while because I found you speak too fast for me to absorb what you are saying. I very much appreciated the pace in this video and watch the whole thing fully understanding. Thank you.
I've suffered from multiple traumas and no longer know how to communicate with people so I've decided to solely focus on me. I've given up on wanting to be with anyone while I'm healing. I don't really know if this is healthy but I can't keep friends and have no support system whatsoever. Been in and out of therapy and mental hospitals to the point of being somewhat numb to it all. I don't want to be here. It's too painful and I don't possess the energy to keep fighting. I've tried to end my life a few times and was told I had to live by two spirits I don't even know. I'm sick of this work and it's human inhabitants. I wake up because I have no choice. None of us do. I don't know how helpful this is so I'll watch it again. I'm a sub on your channel because you deliver different perspectives, things I've never heard before. Nothing I've done so far has worked and I feel helpless. Yet I'm still here. Highly figured and hella annoyed. Life is beautiful and disgusting all at the same time. Can't wait to be done with it. Hopeful my next journey won't be so unpleasant.
@AfricanOneNess Same girl, been struggling with my mental health for years. But I just got done reading the book, “The World is a Mirror” by Nada Amari and it’s changed my life. Sending you Love and Light 🙏🏻✨💕
Also, remember that suffering gives rise to wisdom and intuition. Some of the greatest people who ever lived went through so much pain and suffering to become healers, leaders etc. Never give up hope. Hold on to your light. ✨
Yep. People didn't care about your needs as a kid so you end up sacrificing parts and losing parts of yourself to get at least some of your needs met. I totally am codependent.
Thank you Swan Teal. I pray you don't inspire any breakup fights that could end with submission, divorce settlement, beatings etc. which the weakest among us can not endure
Wow you just exposed me to such a strong pattern in me, and I thought I was pretty aware😆 How much our brain can fool ourselves! Thanks, this was really enlightening
I have listened to several of your videos throughout the years. The one thing that I can’t figure out, is How can Teal have accumulated so much knowledge on so many different topic in her short amount of time. She looks quite young to have this Vast amount of knowledge. Do you have a team of writers of different professions to help with the content?….just wondering. I’m just overwhelmingly impressed with your insight
For one she's very, very smart. She has an academic background regarding her family, which implicates that she knows how to draw conclusions, find links as well as being articulate. She knows how to use people (which isn't meant in a negative way, just so you know). I can only assume, but she has assistents and lives in a shared living situation, she has very strict boundaries who can live with her, so she probably has only people around her that have talents and characteristics that help her.
💯 % hit 🎯 on this one!! So much packed in this video! Thank you Teal for the examples. One you gave just cracked me up!! 😂 The universe has a great sense of humor... when you said Tom and Sandy, I was like WTF Universe, 🤣 The names of two of my Ex's, but not from Texas! 🤪😂
It’s kind of obvious. It’s about settling for what’s comfortable not about attracting a certain type. 100% sure you have met healthy people but you and they would realize very quickly that you were not going to fit into your unhealthy pattern/beliefs/system.
Thank you so much for this video ❤ i thought i had learned all i could and wouldn't need to see this I was wrong 😂😸 Wow... You laid it out amazingly.. I'm blown away.. Especially the ending Yep! Saw and resonated with every point I think then, what you want to achieve is going about it counter intuitively, yes? Instead of approaching the relationship from that self deprecating place, be authentic FIRST, and then reach confluence or actual harmony from there And not the other way around At least, that's a thought that came up for me. I wonder what your thoughts are! Off to binge your other videos now! All the best to you! ❤❤❤ I love your delivery and little laughs in between 😄
Both codependency and narcissism are extremely sad ways to develop as a child. Unfortunately this is a lot of how our culture is. We need more education because it's a foundation that needs to be shared!
