Down by the payload, look! It's a spy! A sentry? It's fat scout! Fatter than a speeding bullet, A face like a locomotive, Able to look at tall buildings from the ground! This amazing man from the icy Russia! Fat scout, the only son of his mother, taking on the impossible challenge to care for her and his sisters, fat scout moves the payload and shoots a shotgun with his fellow mercs, and works with the team in his secret identity, Heavy Weapons Guy
Running too fast to aim properly? Wack. Insulting the venerable science of physics by jumping on midair? Wack. Corporate chemical juice a.k.a. soda? Wack. Scrawny beta-cringe physique? Wack. Reduced damage per melee hit? Wack. Me? I'm fat as F O K.