Fearful Avoidant Ex: 7 Reasons The Avoidant Ex Comes Back 

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Mine did, and we’ve been happily married for six years. I was the one hesitant to get back together and did my share to botch our second chance.

Mine came back, things were great (she even said ‘the best they’ve ever been’) and then left again out of the blue!

To be honest they will never say the truth of coming back

I think I have fearful avoidant attachment and these thoughts have definitely motivated my actions, mostly subconsciously.

Been back and forth with her for 4 yrs. She has ran away 3 times. Last time we got back together we got married. Came home this week and her stuff was gone. We were stressed in business and money. The morning she left everything seemed great. 😢

You're always so well-informed and personable, Katya. Forever thanks x

The part about the mother also being a fearful avoidant is something that hits hard as, I visited some realtives in mexico last month that i have just met for the first time at 23 years old, they asked about life of course I brought up my ex as I met her during my studies in japan recently and when I showed a photo of her, my dads uncle he said that "this girl has a hard life due to the fault of her parents." Before this interaction all he knew was that I just told him i got back from japan couple months ago no one told him about me having a girlfriend so that just hit like damm... and with this video to its just, hard as she was the one that broke up with me a month into us being long distance and I took it terribly, and and wow just wow it was 4 months ago now the breakup but still would love to work things out with her one day ive told her that and the left the invitation on her table.

Everyone has a right to feel safe in a relationship, not just the avoidant who in general makes their partner feel anything but with the shit they pull🤷🏼‍♂️

It is rarely made clear that Fearful Avoidant and Disorganised are coterminous. This is helpful, interesting and, as always, lucid. Thank you.

Very good explanation, makes sense. I’m waiting to see if she reaches out during a no contact? Things were going good, and she pulled back abruptly.

Thankyou for that info. Every little bit helps.

my i believe FA came back almost a month ago after almost 2 years of no contact. I personally believe she has ulterior motives. I do not trust her because of how badly things ended. Whats crazy is when we broke up we tried being friends and it felt like she put more effort into friendship than being in a relationship. I think she messaged me because she maybe moving somewhere near by and is looking for a safety net and thinks because of our past I would be that net. I personally ignored the phone call and did not open the message so she did not see it was read.

Well this won't apply to me due to the fact I block her on everything. To be honest majority of them do not change. They really don't. You let them back and after while the same behaviors. Eyes forward and move forward. It sucks but you really fall in love with a potential of them. When they do come back it again is out of selfishness.

Great content!

This was so helpful. Thank you!

Thank you for this video...My FA hasn't reached out since 2 wks ago, but I feel she could fall into all of the reasons. but, primarily the feel safe, sense of regret. not sure about fear of being alone, however she is 57. We were 3 yr, 8 mos...I'm hoping she would come back for closure, because I could use that too. unexpected ending with no talk about working it out...this has been a challenging last 4 weeks....

Great video! 3:30. Perfect! My BPD ex should ne watching this!! 😅

Thank you Katya, this was clarifying and relieving. Because I ignored my FA ex's last reach out, after he had sporadically contacted me for 1.5 year after the break up, giving me false hope. I wanted to protect my heart. So this time I didn't reply to his messages and call, 3 months ago and since then I've doubted my decision. But this reminded me that was probably his anxiety and nostalgia in the moment, and he wasn't offering anything or saying he regretted his decision, just that he still carried the love I gave him despite he was not alway that nice. or it didn't work out and he was curious how I am doing. Some coaches say in that situation to let the ex (dumper) try again until he says something significant, to see how serious they are. Do you share that stance?

Resonates a lot. Ex came back multiple times in the first few years of the relationship. She has rebounded with someone else this time and it's been a few months, so no idea what to expect this time around

Most of the comments show that their partners are not only FA, but also people with mental disorders, just like my ex: PTSD and depression. I never had depression in my life until I met him 😢 I won’t take him back even if he comes crawling, my mental health is precious !!

I can relate as someone who lives in China and has epilepsy, and also doesn't speak the language. This created a on and off relationship due to safety for myself, yet was in a toxic relationship . Fear can be a bitch.

Blocker everywhere. Give yourself time and move on. The reality is they didn’t do the work and had issues in the first place, and people with the best of intentions cannot change in months. It usually takes years. Don’t fall for this trap, go no contact and move on

I was trying to work out exactly what attachment style my ex is. She has been hovering on my social media for 17 months since the break up. Reaching out as late as Christmas just gone. Some of these points may help explain what is going on.

Truth!

Can you make a video on FA cheaters/monkey branching - who never have shame, guilt or any of it? The FAs who literally have 2 secret lives/boyfriends.

This video is so good. Thanks so much Katya, for your good work and explanations! My Ex FA reached out to me (only indirectly) telling me he missed me. He reaches out to me since Dec 22 in this very indirect way every 3-4 weeks- only stalking me everywhere in the city and looking longingly and excusingly. We have now July 23. so that might be one of the reasons (miss so/loneliness) you explained.

My ex has left and come back over the past 20 years we married for 5 years he left and came back several times after the divorce Always with promises it wouldn’t happen again.

How long did it take you guys for them to come back??

My ex was anxious attachment during the relationship,but acted fearful avoidant after the breakup & yesterday said that they would like to remain friends. He keeps showing up where I’m at. I’m still blocked on social media & I think on his phone. He’s a cancer ♋️ btw. Fast forward a few days… I am no longer blocked & my ex is slowly coming back. I can’t go into details about their personal mental state but that also makes things a whole lot more complex. They’re very sensitive. Things are looking up though. It’s a push & pull but it’s better than what it was.

My ex prob is FA and he is acting like a totally different person i knew in the past 7 yrs. So cruel , mean, emotional… and idk what happened as he kept complaining how bad i was and lots of cases those are not true. He seems victimise himself too

I think it's the same reasons for anyone

I had an ex that tried to reach out to me for 4 years and ended up doing the same thing. She was always breadcrumbing me and somehow always kinda busy for no apparent reason; also lying a lot. It was very difficult because we started off as friend so it could be another reason that she comebacks. Although it really depends on the person because im also fearful avoidant and iam not that toxic

I am heartbroken 💔 i was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant for 2 months before he broke it off and says he is afraid of hurting me. He was also scared of my love because he says the love between us is asymmetrical. He also said I was intense because I asked too many questions about the relationship. How could I not? He would disappear for 2-3 days. I don’t know what he wants out of the relationship. And in the 2 months, we’ve only met 3 times in person. I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what’s really bothering him. It’s been 15 days since we last texted. I miss him. I hope he is doing okay. Will he ever come back..? He told me to forget about him and move on. 😢😢😢 my heart aches so much.

Well, my FA is never coming back then... because one of the main reasons be broke up with me is because I did ask a lot of him emotionally. After a lot of fights in our relationship over his inability to be empathetic, i became emotionally dependent on him when i saw him starting to try to support me. But it got to a point where it didnt matter what i did, everything i did was taken as a negative. He kept asking for more and more and more space, and he was disrespecting me and I was tired of always having to tiptoe around his anger. So the night he dumped me i stopped giving him space because i was fed up with him blaming his rage issues on me. I was done. So I dont think i made him feel safe anymore. And i did ask a lot from him emotionally. I dont think he'll ever come back. And im just trying to remind myself thag i deserve better and so this is a good thing, as much as i miss him now.

He broke up with me 4 times already. The last breakup was horrible as well, i was in a very needy place. , I have no more hope 😢

4 yes, 2 no, 1 maybe. Plus this is the 3rd time she's broken up with me and came back the previous times. I think there's good odds she comes back again. But damn, the all or nothing mentality is brutal

I met one of my exes when I was 21 and he was 29 and he broke up with me and yet he always comes back and I will never understand why he always comes back. I just turned 30yrs old and he just came back again🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🥴 it’s been like that since i met him and he’s the only ex of mine who does that. I have a lot of weird nightmares about him,so it freaks me out. I’m at the point in my life that I’m praying tomGod to please help my ex cuz I don’t understand why he’s always coming back.

I’m sorry but I think this is terrible, we are here protecting these avoidant people who are seriously mucked up in the head!!! What about the mental damage that these people do to us, we just seem to baby these people, they should be locked up, the damage and trauma my ex has caused me is unforgivable, he was monkey branching behind my back and I caught him cheating on me and walked away how can these people get away with this type of behaviour it’s disgusting borderline narcissistic their behaviours are, honestly I can’t believe some of these videos are so for the avoidant

Coming to 5 months, they have not come back.

My ex girlfriend would breakup and get back together with me 22 times. It was exhausting

I recently got dumped by my FA ex-girlfriend because I lied to her. We broke up and I went NC with her for roughly 14days. She suddenly unfollowed me on IG after posting a story about sports. She told me several days later when she called that she did this because of something very very VERY minor (seasoning ingredients). So I'm currently "unfollowed" but not blocked. What should I think about this matter?

Am on a no contact since April 4 th 2022,

My fearful avoiding called me and told me I was the best lover she ever had and we planned a meet up she snuck in an I love you at the end of the call(I said it back) then she canceled the date and we have only texted a bit since… why would she deactivate when she’s the one who came on strong? Some context: she has been seeing a rebound but I’m not sure if they’re official.

I am 71 year old male and I am just now finding out that I might be a fearful avoidant or also called relationship cycle. I was with a woman for two years often on. I left her many times because I didn’t like some of the things That she said to me or how I was treated. I don’t know if that’s considered a fearful avoidant by leaving because you didn’t like being treated certain way and I wanted to get back this last time but she says that I have walked out too many times now, and we’re not getting back together. I will miss her. I just wish things would’ve been different that we could’ve talked things over.

Mine broke up with me. I kept reaching out and finally she started texting a bit. I told her I missed her and all I got was AWW. I asked her if she thought we could get back together. Her response was no several times. She then said she could be friends. Yet she never reaches out. I believe she is just being nice. I tried to call her on the phone and she said she is not ready to talk. Anyone have any thoughts on this? She never would really talk about why our relationship ended. I should just move on but I’m hanging onto hope.

Im a FA and i didnt identify with non of the reasons you mentioned. First of all, as a FA since i get to the conclusion im not safe in romantic relationship no matter if it because of being rejected or rejecting myself, there is no way to get back, its too scary and unsafe, to get back to trust and safety is extremely difficult to me. The reason i strive to get back into friendship is because i genuinely care and love this person, and not because he provided my romantic needs, but just because of who he is and the chemistry between us, the fact it didnt work too well in romantic relationship doesnt mean that i dont love him, it just means it didnt fit well enough. It seems quite strange to me to turn from full intimacy to be completely strangers, it doesnt feel right or healthy, and it brings the idea that feelings between people isnt a real thing but just a matter of needs being met. Second, im trying to stay in relationship with my ex's because i strive for positive and healthy perception on relationships in general. As a person who doesnt feel constant need for romantic relationships, i wouldnt like to believe that it all about needs and interests, i desire to think of it as a genuine connection between people that exist and can be maintained outside of the romantic context, otherwise the whole idea of creating the bond will feel out of point, selfish, and total waste of emotional energy, it will make me see relationships as a bad deal all together.

Would we book with you if we're not sure the ex is a fearful avoidant?

She broke up with me 4 months ago she said i took her for granted she was right because of a past relationship i should of see this before so i did work on myself was easy fix i knew what to change..i didnt beg i only sent 2 text in those 4 months to say hi but she was angry didnt wanna talk so last week i sent a accountability letter hopefully ill hear from her but if i dont in weeks from now should i send a text to fallow up the letter or just ask her to go for a coffee maybe or do nothing...thank you 😊

My ex came back asked me how I was doing and talked about how her depression was practically gone. Then she ghosted me ?

13:17

Wasted 5years of my life becuz of him lol bye felicia , no mas 😉

You make us seem so awful. I just learned i am a FA and i understand now what my issues have been. I dont think most of us even know why we act the way we do. I can sense the underlining contempt for fearful avoidants.😢

I'm a little worried. My FA ex broke up with me and suggested we'd break contact for a while. I respected it. However, soon thereafter she started contacting me again. It started with sharing a negative experience she had, but after that she sent me lots of pictures, told me she missed me and wanted to call. When we called, she said she only contacted me for emotional support. She doubted whether that was ok. I told her I'd think about it. The next day I wrote her a way too long email. The gist of it was that as long as we're broken up, I'd prefer if she wouldn't contact me just for emotional support. However now I'm questioning if that was the right decision. I wanted to protect myself, but now I'm worried I pushed her away further. I'm thinking that if she really just texted me for emotional support, she wouldn't have said she missed me etc. So probably she just said that to avoid raising expectations. Amy ideas? Should I tell her it's ok to contact me for emotional support?

This just shows FAs in such a bad light.