Sounds like my sister. Trying anyway towards my parents. They've recently changed their will. She will still be treated fairly I imagine but she really is the most ungrateful person she's had so much help and forgets so quickly too. They prefer the company of my other sister who is a genuine nice person and doesn't use her children in emotional blackmail because of this apparently they are awful parents who deserve to be berated on Facebook. Sounds like a narc to me...
Same- I feel like I'm still trying to make sense of it all, when it doesnt even matter, as I went no contact a year ago..but why do I still try to make sense of something that doesnt make sense at all!?
The nitty gritty begins @ 7:00 min. in! Anyway, my first husband was a severe malignant Narcissist. At about 5-6 years in, I rebelled. He had given me an order to do something (I do not remember specifically what it was, but I DO remember the feeling of scorn, contempt, and disrespect that welled up inside.) Immediately, I decided I was not going to do it. Gals (and guys,) at this point, you need to get out FAST. I didn't, I stayed, and our marriage deteriorated. It deteriorated, and finally he snapped and made two attempts to strangle me! We had consulted with a priest, but at the end of the first hour, he told us that we had a situation that he was not equipped to handle, and referred us to a retired psychiatrist who still accepted clients who were referred to him by our church. He was my guiding light!! He stepped in and immediately helped me to let go. I had reached a sorry point where I actually WANTED to stay in the marriage just to give him some of his medicine back!! We fought bitterly every single day!! But after getting with the right counselor, I was able to let go and get out. You can get hooked on a life situation that's evil in every way!! The earlier (sooner) you get away from your narcissist, the happier and healthier you (and your children) will be!! Children must have a loving, PEACEFUL environment if they are to grow into stable adults!! That is more important than anything else - including your narcissist!!
I just finished watching the video and thought to myself i have well arrived to contempt phase. I used to love my husband of 14yrs, still married to him right now and battling std. I even purchased same medication im taking and went on a recovering journey together. Its been a year since i discovered his cheating and that hes a narc. He just phoned me and tell me a lie about a business trip detail. I know of the detail much earlier but he manipulated and lie to me when he deliver it across.
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's best to get closure from therapy, videos to help you understand what happened; being happy and moving on after re-setting your boundaries after inner child healing
Lots of counseling and workbooks has given me the tools to survive this. Creating rich, loving relationships outside my home is imperative. His mother lives with us too and she is just like him. They need no relationship with me, I just work for them.
If you sincerely let go of a narcissist, they often leave you alone. Better to be alone than in bad company, I always say. Once you cut off that contact, you can begin to heal and even have a small measure of compassion for how empty and unhappy they must be. Put all that energy you used to put into trying to appease them, trying to understand them and trying to deal with their destructive moods into yourself and your own life and healing. Once you put all the attention back onto yourself, you will begin to reap the rewards.
30 years ago I went through my first N relationship - I know that now! When we split I went home to my parents, reconnected with my old friends started playing sport again. An older friend approached me after a match one day and said “it’s taken a year, but it’s lovely to see the old Jaime back at last” It’s taking longer this time bc the most recent ex can’t leave me alone if she sees me, but she is renamed in my phone book as Eris (goddess of strife & discord) and muted everywhere, but I can’t bring myself to reject her completely bc I believe that her behaviour is learnt and masks an intrinsically good person.
@@JamesThomas-zl9er Jaime, I appreciate the goodness of your heart. To want to see good in her, your ex narc. But the bottom line is, she's not good. If she is a narcissist, her only concern is herself and not you or anybody else. She doesn't care about you, bottom line. I think it's hard for us to accept these truths about people we care about who are narcissists. So I think what might be helpful is, even if in your heart you feel differently and you believe that she is good, in your head you must recognize that she is not. Just accept that your head and heart can agree to disagree. Just make sure to guard your heart by siding with your head every time where she is concerned. The best thing for you to become or to return back to who you are, is to get rid of the poison, get rid of the toxic individual. You don't have to have ill feelings toward her, but you do need to put your own emotional and mental welfare first. She is a poison to your central nervous system! This cannot be denied. Nor should it be tolerated.Truthfully, if she were good for you, if she were good to you, if she were honestly a good person, then you would be with her right now. But you made a choice based on logic and Truth - the choice based on what she did to you and how she manipulated you into feeling that you were less than you are. This is not what good people do. If she manipulated you, if she made you feel like you were less valuable, if she minimized her own culpability and pointed of the finger of blame to you instead of taking responsibility for her own bad behavior, these are all evil and malign things, manipulative things that narcissists do to the innocent, to those good people who are trying to help the narcissist. But the narcissist doesn't want your help. Honestly, there's only one person that can help the narcissist - and that is God Himself! It would take an absolute miracle that would involve complete and perfect healing at both the emotional and psychological levels. God bless your tender heart, Jaime..... But do the right thing, guard your heart and if you can, go completely no contact with her or any other narcissist. ♥️
My experience seems to indicate the contempt of the narc towards their victims is born of jealousy. The contempt victims of narc-abuse feel towards the narc is born of betrayal, the realization that the narc has no moral compass and thinks in a completely alien and evil way.
I feel that my parents were different to me in the way that reptiles are different to mammals, insects are different to birds and amphibians are different to fish!
just like any abuse victim, we want our pain to be acknowledged by our abuser. The problem is a narc will never do that. Thank you Dr, Les for doing it for us and for giving us the tools to help ourselves. I've seen a lot of u-tubes on narcissism but yours is the best.
Dr. C, Infinite gratitude towards all humanity. Primarily humbling for those who are of service offering assistance sharing when one is ready to accept it. Now go praise and/or thank your self in how or what ever way you feel it's needed! Scent with possibilities being endless~
"I release you. I don't expect anything from you. I don't think you can do anything that would make the situation better. This is the truth and I need to move beyond you" this is acceptance (not forgiveness). Love it. I accept it as it is. I'm ready to move on.
So true n on the point!! Very empowering indeed n the precise words used to communicate n convey the exact message to the narcissist n to ourself ... no running / beating around the bush!! Point blanck accurate!!
Remember your humanity like doc says! And it’s a left handed compliment of sorts “allowing” is I think 🤔 because we are polar opposite and can’t really fathom wtf is going on ...cause we naturally hood peeps :):) yep day it but We can’t allow too long than we are sick If we Know and allow 🧐
The narc was violent against me. I started having contempt for them, and realized I was turning violent toward them as a side effect. That's when I took the child with me and went away. I am much better self now.
And what is even worse is that such contempt becomes , in essence self-contempt. Feeling so stupid, so blind, so naïve, so weak not to stand your ground, to believe in yourself. Your self-betrayal. OK so how am I going to make sure I never let myself become so vulnerable again. One must learn to forgive oneself above all.
antidepressant11 I know I feel contempt for him but didn’t realize I feel contempt for myself. What an idiot I am for being so stupid to think I could live with him and just ignore his craziness?
@@pjpj3416 Yeah I feel a lot of contempt too. 10 years and a kid later, except my kid is the only upside to the entire thing, it also makes it impossible because I can't just abandon her. My ex-wife constantly gaslights our child, turning her against me. And she's only 3. So yeah, I'm with you. I despise her. I'm not just indifferent and a touch sad; I'm pissed off that this crap NEVER ends, and that she's willing to wrap our daughter up in it. We're separated and the abuse still never stops. I know I need to forgive and move on, but I'm legally blind and she is constantly leveraging it against me. Getting in my face and wont leave, constantly hoping beyond hope that I'll hit her. I wont, but she keeps trying. So I'm trying not to be eaten up inside by the poison I feel towards her. I'm having an incredibly difficult time with this.
Return to yourself. Parent and love yourself. Reset your location to your actual current location, and reality-check your life to make sure you are heading your OWN path. Remember, the narcs' intent is to persuade you that the world is the way they see it, that your nice view of it and of your own self is wrong. Understand this is a game for them - your view is incorrect and their view is correct, you should abandon your view and subscribe to their view - remind yourself that everything they do is to achieve this goal, and that from today - you AINT INTERESTED!! You DO KNOW what is right, you knew all along. Go back to that. Contempt plays into their game, and is an admission to and a subscription to the lie.
Steve Wright I so appreciate this wonderful explanation on concentration on one's on reality! You have helped heal me on this journey and I thank you Sir. I will look you up on facebook and RU-vid. Galelyn CarterSullivan
Steve wright...Excellent advice...one antidote to narc abuse is, "remember who you are." I never really understood that until i woke up to the decades of narc abuse in my life from my malignant covert narc mother. She fervently wrestled me over the years, to impose, utilizing that IRON NARC WILL of hers, HER worldview *on* me and *of* me; and HER notions of who i am, and who i must be, in order to please her.... in order for her to even think to deign to approve of me..... But, i absolutely refused, and still refuse, to allow any of that in my life. That sick dynamic led to ENDLESS strife between us. Now, finally, im no contact. And at peace! And back to ME. No contact! Its truly a lifesaver.
Thats interesting because, not to be condescending, it's one of the ways I imagine an unsound mind thinks. I would think narcissists are always looking to confirm their nice view of the world and desperately need other people to uphold it. They probably see you as you see them. They know they're right, they've known all along and it's others who want them to subscribe to a flawed sense of reality. So OP and readers, which are you?
@@cyndimoring9389 I became a person I did not like. He won for awhile. I am still engaging with him because I was questioning whether I was the narcissist? He is good at what he does.
Melissa Grace the same thing happened to me! I didn't like who I had become: yelling back, mistrusting, blaming & shaming. When I took a good look at myself I knew it was time to go. And then when I learned what narcissism is, I wondereded if I was one. Just like you...this is the fallout from loving these people and expecting to be loved in return. They have spent their lives mastering this manipulation, since they don't believe love is real and they have to work it out of people.
If forgiveness means simply releasing someone to God, and not expecting anything from the person at all.....its a doable. But if forgiveness means allowing them back in the vicinity for more damage, .....no way. No can do. Fortunately, when I looked it up in a concordance, it means to turn and walk away, to release, to go the other way, release from obligation, ask not again, pardon, etc. All doable by grace alone. But no access to the inner circle of trust ever, ever, ever again.
daniel6 victory, ty! I went through a time of feeling very down when I thought forgiveness meant forgetting and "reconciliation" I just couldn't go there again. If you don't mind, or you wish to share about this, I'd so welcome it. But what are your thoughts or, do you find in scripture about the Ns OSAS, like if they remain as cruel and never change, are they still going to heaven do you think? Or, will they be kinder in Heaven, like no longer spinning lies and nightmares around their targets because God won't allow them to do that to everyone anymore? It use to frighten me to think of them in heaven, to the point that I was afraid to turn to God even.
@@coffeebarista1771 thanks for yr reply. will check scripture that can help and post them here. - -FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN TRUST. to live w/out toxic narcs in the inner circle is our right and duty and also necessary to stay alive. blessings 😎
@@coffeebarista1771 Don't really know that I believe in a Heaven. But if there is one, do you really think that any Narc would EVER be allowed in??Hmmm? Narcs are by nature Un-repentant creatures who have NO Conscious!!!
They believe that they are justified in the way they treat others. They lie, don't respect boundaries, and they hate anyone that questions their behavior and superiority. What you are saying is true. I said terrible things to my ex when we split. I wanted him to know the gravity of what he did and how many people he hurt and I wanted him to FEEL it. But logic took over once I got control of my anger and I truly was sorry and sincerely apologized for the things I said. I saw him as an empty vessel, who would never be able to communicate past 2D and I forgave him in my heart and directed my thoughts to the fact that I never lied to him or cheated on him all the things he did are things I could never do so I did realize that I still had my soul, something he probably would never have without stealing it from a real human. And as I thought about it I actually wished for a healing, not just for myself and other victims, but also for him, that somehow some way he would be able to feel true emotions and heal from his childhood trauma in the future and far away from me. That was the only closure I would ever get and I apologized to myself for believing that I was less than deserving to be treated with love and respect.
Most people here are talking about a spouse or close family member who is their favorite Narc. But I actually have a friend who I have finally figured out is a sneaky-snake Narc! She's smart as a frigging Whip, Very Sarcastic, Witty and sometimes Funny as Hell, BUT also extremely Conniving and Manipulative. Aggressive, intimidating, bullying and a world-class gas-lighter! You are So right about One thing; NO, they DON'T Respect Boundaries!!!!
Forgiveness and my goodness means I’m always a target. I open my heart and I get hurt. I don’t want to be bitter, but I know how people respond to me and my goodness. I’d prefer to be alone. There really is no place for me. As long as I keep that, I’ll be safe.
Living with a Covert Narc, it's been very difficult. I go from his love bombing stage, to discard every two days or more. He argues till I can't take it. Thank you so much for helping me understand.
Paula SCOTT ..I can relate to your story and when it comes to discarding me , my opinions, my very existence in the house, I go nuts...It hurts sooooooo much when the person I agreed to love til death do us part is nothing more than a fraud, I just want to do something, anything to get rid of the pain...I don’t understand because it hurts and he doesn’t even care one iota..not even a little bit...He is a full on classic covert narcissist and nobody else knows it but me and possibly his former wife...
Thanks, Dr. Carter. Forgiveness is a lot harder than people realize. Most people think that forgiving my estranged emotionally and financially abusive narc husband and the men who raped me was letting them all off the hook for their actions. That it was the weak choice. It's not. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but the weight lifted from my soul was worth it. My physical health has improved, too.
Carla the Destructor That is something I need to try to do, forgive. Right now, I have so much contempt for my husband, I can feel that it is weighing me down.
Forgiving is very hard - i tend to think that forgiving involves allowing them in your life again and i know that is NOT true but for me when i try and forgive it still seems to mean the same thing - like allowing them in. I have homework to do i know. Great to hear you are improving and getting grasp of your mental health. Stay strong !
I have good and bad days, I wonder why I never knew this person existed. but then to try to come back after lies, cheating etc. but the solution of no contact and time to heal has led me to the journey of letting go
Thank you for this video! It occurred to me while I was hanging onto contempt and anger towards someone who had hurt me terribly, it was like me drinking poison every day-and expecting the other person to die! Ultimately, the best revenge is a life well lived!👍🙏
Recovered from narc father. Now, at 62 years old, realizing that my sister is a narc, too. I know enough to realize that she was damaged more than me. I have extreme empathy for her. But I have cut her from my life. I own my own codependence. Now attempting to become myself. Not an easy road. Forgiving my sister while protecting myself is key. Thank you for your videos, Dr. C.
I completely relate neptunesdrems. I'm 64 and still don't know who I am. I have spent my entire existence being who ever everyone needs me to be. I know I'm not happy but truth be told I really don't know what happy is suppose to look like for me.
For me, happiness is somewhere in the vicinity of being able to cherish and validate myself, without needing those things from others. It is about finding and cherishing my inner child.
You described my situation. I loved her in spite of her hatred of me. I need to forgive her. I thought I had. Not yet. Maybe I just need to heal from our divorce. Blessings.
@Be REAL I found that I needed to honor my righteous anger at my sister before I could forgive her. We must fully feel our anger because our anger is what makes our inner child feel protected. Find your inner mother tiger. You will bounce between fierce anger and love for a while. Then, once your inner child feels protected and strong, you will be able to forgive and heal.
@@neptunesdreams I definitely let my anger control me for a while. I moved away from the house she gave me because I knew the npdad contaminated her with his hatred of me. 5 years trying to see if it was true and it caused me to run into the arms of the devil himself when I knew it was true. I was terrified for a while then again for another few years knowing he had possibly planned my ruin after he was gone. I felt betrayed and angry and still do off and on. I ended up losing everything but at least got my mind back...sometimes. 🌈☁️🏃♀️
It took me forever to learn this. I was so confused for years. When I finally understood what she had done and was still doing, I became so angry and tried to fight back. Looking back, I now realize that my hurt, anger and bitterness just made her flourish. I’m happy to say I’m a survivor. She’s still at it, but I’m not her main target at this time.
I try so hard to not have “BAR” Bitterness Anger Resentment I tell myself NO BAR!!!! When I feel those negative feelings coming up! It helps me sooooo much 💜
It is a slow process, no doubt because you have good reasons to feel that way. Try to get a good focus on the other qualities that can define you. You're not being asked to deny your BAR, but to re-prioritize. Dr. C
I find going out for a couple of drinks can be a good way to gain respite from those BAR feelings you describe. So my motto is,"have bar to not have bar!".(The motto is great coz it has a 2-pronged benefit.Sometimes I'll get the 2 different "bars" mixed up in my mind, and think it's a saying I designed to help me lower my alcohol intake by working myself up into a rage whenever I feel the impulse to head to the hotel.).
The narc really highjacks the victim's emotions and thought, he/she does everything possible to enter the victim's head and occupy as much of it's space and energy. It's really a vampire in that sense. And it's so true, the narc enjoys driving the victims into negative emotions, like anger, fear, desperation. I just lately realized how much of my life I spoiled thinking about what's been going on, and also realized how angry I became, how much confidence I lost little by little. This really will help towards freeing myself. I'll keep those words in mind, thank you!
It's hard not to feel contempt when you finally grasps wtheck's been happening to you! It's equally as hard not to act on that contempt! Treat it as you would any waste material---release it, flush it and move on!
I wish I could like this twice. Thank you for what you do. Listening to this today just while I do chores around the house and it feels like free therapy. It's exactly what I need to hear.
Indifference is a beautiful thing - this takes time! I believe we all need time to process our experiences. Allow yourself to feel it all and get it out - I liken it to draining a septic wound. Getting away from toxic people is key. Once you are able to do so, you can process what has happened and learn to never ever repeat. I wish nothing but the best to all going through their individual healing paths - it only gets better, promise. Strive for indifference - one day it will appear 💙
Indifference is so much of a better word than forgiveness. Why do we keep trying to change the understood meaning of forgiveness when we can use better words. Indifference, release, etc...
thanks, I think I understand in a sad way what you mean...but is there joy again somewhere along the road to recovery? Indifference sounds like a lonely road
@@joannaday907 wow that is some pretty brutal pain one must face..."soul destroying loneliness" I think I know what that feels like sadly. However, I'm sure glad I know Jesus because He loves me just the way I am. Praise God. Shalom thanks for the words
Narcissist mother, surrounded by narcissist musicians all my life and I dated at least 5 narcissists. I thought narcissistic behaviour was normal and I easily tolerated it. I’m 43, single for 7 years and I still have narcissist ex’s trying to tap in to my kindness through decades and across continents . They are now blocked. I’m happy I never picked up this negative mentality but I’ve been deeply effected by their lies and manipulations. I love listening to your clips! Laura - An American that lives in Belfast, Northern Ireland ❤️
Forgiving another affects our eternal experience. That narc in our lives desperately needs our forgiveness even if they don't think they need it. We are to hate what is evil but not to let the narc's bitterness transfer to us. Best video yet for me, Dr. C. Thanks. ❤
This is very powerful!! I never quite got it when people would say "forgive", I had felt it was an additional burden put on my responsability. The fact is that often, people in spirituality don't seem to be bothered by people who hurt others, but actually blame the victims and give all kind of excuses to the agressor. I consider that the victim suffers twice, once with the agressor, and then with the people telling you that you're responsible for the agressor's actions. Dr. Les' explanation explains this idea in such a clear and healthy way. This is really very helpful!
Exactly, I am going through that right now. I disconnected from the narc due to a lot of betrayal and abuse and now his religious flying monkeys are saying I dont know how to forgive and love, that I dont know compassion and I can possibly go to hell if I dont accept the person back into my life.. 😏😞
For 40 years, I couldn't understand why I was so sad, so miserable in my marriage. With your videos, Dr. C., I finally understood what was going on (covert narcissism). But yet I still struggle with the anger that often wells up in me as I "put the puzzle pieces together", recalling the moments when he treated me with indifference, lied to me, the deception, etc. I do not like this feeling of anger. I desire to forgive and move on. I try to be cordial. But my anger and even disgust get stirred up when he says something ridiculous that shows he still "doesn't get it". We are separated; divorced soon. But I must have regular contact with him because of our disabled adult son. I would love to be done with him; move on. The pain, the anger that gets stirred up all over again drains me.. It has affected my health, too. I will try to apply Dr. C's suggestions (to forgive, etc.), but I'm finding it's an ongoing struggle. I'm so tired.
I knew there were many things wrong with the X. He spoke inappropriately, acted improperly, sexually inappropriate, did everything inappropriately. I had to get rid of him. After the split, I've never dated again because I can't take the chance. I needed to feel safe and sane.
Yep, safe and sane....I crave that again, no contact can actually feel more like stalking, cause you know they're hanging around in the background most places they know you go....it feels less safe in a way
@@cathrynestone260 I'm glad you removed yourself from the unhealthy relationship and you're fine living on your own. Be safe and God bless you as well!
Christine Haigh I left my ex 7.5 years ago at 49. I’ve yet to date anyone. I am terrified of experiencing that pain again. I’m in therapy, I’ve grown a lot, and healed some. But I’m a social hermit, a shell of the gregarious and confident woman I once was. I work long hours and love living alone. I doubt I will ever be in a relationship again. I’m not as angry as I once was. I’m not as afraid of the world outside my door as I once was. But I have a long way to go to find a way to trust people again. I wish you luck and peace and self love in your journey. ❤️
Yes, staying stuck in anger, contempt and disgust is destructive to one's own self. The interesting thing is that watching Dr. C's videos, sometimes repeatedly, helps one get free of those emotions, and that is why they are such effective therapy.
Everything you've said here, Dr. C, makes perfect sense. I think my feelings of being stuck and unsure of myself has a lot to do with the length of time I've been in my marriage. I've forgotten who I was before this relationship, and I'm just so physically and emotionally tired. I also spent so many years trying to please my narc, that I forgot to make myself a priority. All these things have to be relearned, and I do wonder if I still can.
Spot on, Dr Carter! Another great video. Living in contempt & resentment doesn’t help anyone. Don’t give the narcissist that kind of satisfaction. Focus on yourself & live the life you intend!!
Thank you for your videos.I am 48 and finally figured out my parents are severe narcissist's. Struggled my whole life and now with their age and financial things the truth of their depravity is sickning. Yours and other videos have been helpful in retaining my character and seeing through all the fog.When you realize you were just a toy in a dog's mouth by your own family contempt is massive.
The passive aggressive’s abuse can be implied insults, the arrogant cold stare of entitlement, and denial of involvement or instigation, acceptance of wrong doing or responsibilities...I am also too tired to continue to fight, because it’s easier to have contempt and walk or run away from the pain....
My aunt, who reads the Bible a lot, said that bitterness grows roots and spreads out. Do you want to be the better person who affects others with your bitterness? And the bitterness ruins you
true. dont let toxic ppl grow roots in u. hand toxic ppl to the lord in prayer. he w deal with them. much better. i have had toxic ppl get back to me after a while and apologise for their venom after i had prayed for them. but they did not change it was just once. an apology and thats it.
Yes because we are imperfect and need Christ Jesus and the Father and Holy Spirit in our lives to sheild us from the damage. We are only human. Otherwise we revert to what is only natural and normal to feel that way and have to retrain our brain. It is difficult and harder than a dog learning new tricks. We are human and have to walk away. The department injustices is not on my side. I was framed and beaten thrown in jail and evidence exfoliated while incarcerated.
Connda Pierce yes bitterness can corrupt many. Your Aunt is right. This is one way the narc affects many people. They inject bitterness if we allow them we poison ourselves with rumination and by letting that bitterness affect our choices and other relationships. It has roots and grows.
Yes they do wake us up ! Love that! Our enemies are our footstools. Actually your enemies will improve you and grow you the most by giving you the opportunity to overcome emotions and evil. They actually put life into perspective and teach us a lot more about ourselves and people than our friends many times. We need our enemies.
You will not get there thru hate, friend. Trust me on that one. But at the same time, you do not need to like them. You get there because you finally realize you are worth it and you have a purpose. Do not let anyone distract you from that.
I really needed to hear this video today, and there it was in my feed. I’m angry with myself this morning for allowing my narc SIL to steal 45-minutes of my day yesterday (on the phone) with a new development in her victim narrative. I’m angry at myself for listening, instead of putting up a boundary, or making up an excuse to get off the phone! As many of you have already said, Dr. C shares the most useful information on everrything-narcissist. We can only change ourselves (grow)-the narcs will never change-the work is ours. That’s some honest tough-love right there. Thank you, Dr. Carter!
I've been holding onto my bitterness for YEARS and it did change my personality! This is good stuff. We need to know how to recover from a Narcissist - thank you!
As a child without a doubt....with out a doubt , you just naturally believe that your parents love you... and you just believe it ! the mental illness comes when in your childhood mind, you just can not understand how someone who loves you, would want to hurt you. You think of all sorts or reasons ; it was because of me, or it was my fault for not measuring up to their expectations - i am the bad guy - not them ! They love me so it has to be me. It took me almost my whole life to know and accept that they did not love me. And now, as an adult, i am expected to behave as an adult - deal with and accept what life has to offer because hey ? i am an adult and i have to behave myself and not behave out of line with emotional outbursts or try and get even. This is very hard. i suffer from depression and can not trust anyone. I am like a stray cat and will always be on the watch. The most horrible thought recently has been that when my mother who is in a nursing home dies, I will regain myself. Terrible i know !
OceanSound100 Don’t feel bad. My narcissist grandma outlived my mother by several years. My mother had a heart condition which was worsened by the terrible treatment she endured from Grandma until the day she died in her sleep.
They are certainly destructive for certain. My mother was super sensitive about many things, very vulnerable to anything she perceived as a slight. She talked almost suicidally during that ladt week, saying that Grandma had been so mean and demanding. It is almost ad if mother lay down that night and willed herself to dir.
You mother reminds me of a best friend i had. Very hard story to hear of . I hope "you" are well..! and that you had a loving relationship with your mother. A grateful thing i can say about myself is that i can love fully - i have a son and he knows how much i love him - so this is good :)) Like the Bible will say " this is good "
I choose to disagree with the recommendation to forgive the narcissist. By judging them with feelings of contempt, I am reminding myself what they are. I will never treat them as anything but an enemy even if I must be polite to them on a day to day basis.
Forgiveness can really only be given to someone who asks for it. Narcs dont think there is anything to forgive so how can you forgive them something that doesnt exist in their mind...save your forgiveness for your own beautiful self..x
I know that forgiveness comes with loving yourself and letting go of the trash they tried to put on us. But being reconciled to someone is not the same as forgiveness I would never be reconciled to a rapist the pain is too deep they are Judas in my eyes they come to steal my precious life
But I can forgive it because of the power of the cross. That way I get to start all over again as if it never even happened to me and those people? Their end is destruction!
I have been through the whole spectrum of emotion toward my narcissists and am surprised that I am now at a place of compassion and forgiveness---- but not forsaking my boundaries. It's very curious and also very liberating.
Thank you for this video. I had an experience this evening with my husband that left me in tears. Frustrated, exhausted, spent.. fed up. I’m in a process of an exit plan and the days that I spend indulging the “norm” are eating me alive until this exit plan can come to fruition. I sat alone after the encounter, rapid cycling from anger to overwhelmed back to anger again. Tears flooded my being, but nothing was coming out as the sheer rage that was building inside me blocked any release. I retreated to a private room, had everything ready for a good scream, and instead was brought to my knees in a kind of defeat I hadn’t felt in a long while. I softly spoke out loud how angry I was. How everything about this person repulsed me. How I want nothing more in this moment than to be completely rid of this toxicity and get out of the environment. The tears were able to flow freely. I could feel my heart beat. I sensed the person I had lost trying to manage its way back into the driver seat. I sat there, our dog tirelessly trying to lick my face, and faced the fact that this is NOT the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to harbor such negative emotions ( although valid) towards another human. It’s not a natural thing in my mind, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I returned to the dirty kitchen where I was needed , started the dishes, and this video popped up. There is a gold brick of wisdom within this message that I whole heartedly needed and thank you and God for putting into my space. I needed to hear this, and it’s crucial to my sanity right now. So thank you. Thank you for providing such content for myself and people like me who hold contempt for the narc in their life. The most meaningful part was the forgiveness piece. That it’s not about what THEY deserve, but about MY peace. That truly hit home. And I needed that reminder today. Thank you so much.
Narcissist are created by other narcissist. They are not born that way. Picture their abuse that created what they became and you won't feel so bitter. It does not make their behavior right or okay but gives a root and a reason for it.
Thanks for that refreshing view point. I often get stuck in that contemptuous close loop and realized its only residual self abuse from the narcissistic experience. I believe it becomes evident after your post traumatic experience relaxes and you have more peace and clarity in your mind. This video made me realize I have to snap out of the cycle of contempt and aspire to grow myself in a more positive fashion. Thank you
I have to say that to get stronger after the narcissistic abuse is one thing.The other is to find someone who isn't narc and as we know because we live it in our skin morality is not something that people respect.They discuse themselves as good people just to lead us to the trap.We are not from stone and when you have been burned 3-4 times it's not easy to try again-espesially when you see what is happening around you also.Thank you Dr Carter
When I think of what is most helpful in situations like this, my beginning point is to identify the qualities I want most predominant in my life. Hate is not on that list. When I hate, that means I am living with someone else in charge of me. I don't like who I am when I hate. So letting go of it is not a sign of weakness, nor does it mean I have acquiesced to the wrongdoer. It means I have moved on and that person has no hold on me. Dr. C
I find anger very, very important at the beginning in order to have the energy to kick them out of my life - that‘s right. But then forgiveness has to set it. Not immediately. Eventually. One day. It only makes your life better and separates you again from the narcs, who continue to live with negative emotions. That‘s the ultimate victory over them.
I‘d like to add that it really takes time. I couldn’t believe that i could be happy again. The narc destroyed it in me. But now i regain my old energies again. Now i see how different i am from that person. He‘s stuck in a negative mindset and won‘t be able to change, because he has a mental disorder. But i have. :) My old self has returned, because he could not destroy the core. I feel emotionally detached from him now. The only thing i feel is pity, and this is the worst for an egomaniac. 😈
@@Suedetussy Yup, Anger serves it's pupose. It's called righteous anger. And I think it is a very healthy emotion when justified. I don't even feel it is necessary or even healthy to try and "forgive" if you don't feel forgiveness!(and why should we feel forgiveness is in order in the first place?!) But the Ability to Let the Shit GO ...IS Necessary!! Hopefully we all Learn from our time spent in Hell with the Narcs, and that we do one thing, ...Leave them in the Frigging Dust and MOVE ON!!!!😉
Nan Nan EXACTLY I find if I I’m really taking care of myself anger expressed in a positive way of course is the best stage to be in then I can really take care of myself
Best advice I’ve ever heard: “Release that person from the hope of restitution.” It’s a pretty solid definition of forgiveness in actuality because forgiveness is supposed to keep you on the same level so no one owes you anything. But I take this as exhuming all expectations of this person earning back their withstanding from you. You expect as little from them as possible, but not necessarily in a cold way. It’s more like forgiving them from the duty of earning expectation which more in turn releases you rather than them. I like that.
I had known my Narcissist on and off for 45 years. We briefly dated in our twenties after I had become a widow at 24. Eventually ,we both married different people but kept in touch over the years. I never saw any real negative sides of him other than he was quite the player in his 20’s. At age 65 his wife of 34 years passed. I immediately sent my condolences and offered to fly out West to help. This is when his program to assimilate me into his Narcissistic plan began. First he started with the honeymoon phase. He was so affectionate, kind loving. Sweet talking. I didn’t recognize him. He NEVER was that way in our 20’s but I wrote it off to him having been married to a kind woman. Upon my return to the West Coast, several months later to help pack his wife’s items, he started with small little rages. Then after awhile, it was nonstop rages then gaslighting. He drank nonstop morning to night. I just kept locking myself in the guest room while he paced back and forth screaming obscenities at me. I didn’t know about Narcissistic abuse at the time, so thought I was going insane! By the time I left him, I detested him. My love had turned to contempt! Now these 6 years later I’m NO CONTACT and am educated about Narcissistic abuse. I have forgiven him and this Empath is healed and living her best ever.
Okay. Sixty years spent in psychiatric hospitals, E.R.’s from suicide attempts, Conversion Disorder that made me an invalid bed-ridden and in a wheelchair and in double diapers at 40, loss of an eye from two assaults with permanent facial nerve damage and thousands of psychiatric medications to name a few things, from parental, family and a multitude of strangers abusing me for their own gain is a lot to be overcome. They put you in such dangerous, life-threatening situations an awful lot too. How could they enjoy watching you in agony and then contribute to it with more of their narcissistic abuse? My narcissistic mother told me that the family wanted me to kill myself even and told me repeatedly to do it. The contempt and hatred towards these people can be consuming. I don’t know how I can overcome such extreme trauma but these videos help me some. There’s no help out there for people with little money. Thank you Dr. Carter for giving us this help free of charge. God Bless to all targets of Narcissism.
I am working thru the after effects of the range of emotions with my ex narc.....emotional acid...what a great term! Another great teaching...thank you Dr. Carter
Gaining back my identity and knowing it is good was a huge step for me. I had lost myself and had zero self confidence. It took me about 4 years of work to regain that feeling.
I really didn't have a choice about forgiveness. My narc spouse died of cancer, and I experienced something I didn't expect over the course of his dying -- pity. I spent years being angry (contempt is the perfect word) at the way he behaved, not just toward me; he alienated everyone. Once he was gone, I decided to forgive him. I suffered from PTSD and would jump at every sound. I had to let it go. So I sold the house, moved into a new one and started a wonderful new life. 24 years was more than enough to sacrifice. Now I hope that reincarnation is a real thing and that he was reborn to parents that were loving and normal. Narcs don't get that way all by themselves.
I listen to this diamond again and again when any contempt creeps in. Your advice is splendid. I also practice Ho’oponopono to forgive and release. I prefer to let go with love. Contempt does keep you trapped. I’m forever in Gratitude for your help and advice. It’s life changing. I want peace post narcissist. It also helps me deal with the ones still in my life. They don’t bother me now. I seldom see them and thanks to you I fully understand they seldom change. Thankyou 🌞
Only it’s my daughter. So difficult. I got away from her only to find out she’s inflicting my grandkids with her constant premeditated deadly drama. Yes I stepped back into the arena. You have helped me so much. Thank you.
My narcissist broke up with me over me doing laundry while we were on a facetime call. I had been waiting hours because he couldn't talk to me since he absolutely had to watch a basketball game (he doesn't even like basketball). He said I was a "selfish son of a bitch for being so inconsiderate of his time." Then weeks later had the audacity to ask me what happened and said something like “we just haven’t figured out how to be loving towards each other yet.” 🤦♂️ We???
It's good they broke up with you. Be happy. But please please please remember to NEVER NEVER NEVER go back to them. Resist getting loved up again. Recognise it for what it is, if it happens
Juza Delle Nuvole the narc husband walked out on me cause I liked my exes pic in 2017 , so he said u emotionally cheated on me so I can’t trust u, all this while he told me 2 days before that he was sleeping with some hook up he meant on tinder. But I had to be ok with cause apparently “ he was honest “ . They are delusional mofos
The best revenge I got is I am 😁 HAPPY. Drives the Narcissist 🥜. Took a long time time to recover from the abuse. Now if I have to be around him, he is unable to gaslight me. He is the one that leaves even angrier because he couldn't ruin my time! HA. I just laugh to myself and never stop smiling.
Contempt for me came as a result of me being able to admit when I was wrong, but that was only one sided. I never heard the opposite coming from the Narc. At that point, I lost all respect for them and contempt was soon to follow.
How you can possibly expect any closure from a person who has never ever been interested in your input in the fist place? Closure from a person who wouldn’t let you finish a sentence without talking over you and hearing only himself.I mean Never Ever! Once I realised this it gave me my sanity back.
Contempt and hatred are saving my life. Earlier there was only pain. I was almost dead. Almost hospital wards my entire life. Now I am resurrecting. And this thanks to hatred and contempt against the people who almost killed me.
Letting go, that's the last and hardest step. Don't waste your life, raging at these lunatics. Don't let them poision your life. They don't even deserve to be in your head and your heart... It's not easy, letting go, but I'm working on it.
OMG, I actually used to call my narc "Hitler" to his face, mostly because his mother was German and we spent 13 years stationed in Germany. Now his name is Diablo because the thought of actually saying his name out loud makes me sick. When you talked about forgiveness, I didn't shake my head, I snorted out loud. Having been married for 40 years, and also having worked in a very toxic environment for 17 1/2 years, contempt runs through me like tree sap. I'm not even trying to get better, I'm just trying to survive from one day to the next. There isn't a lot of hope on the horizon, so insidious was the damage done to me. As one person told me, it changes your brain patterns. On a different note, I learned that Celiac disease is in the same family as leprosy. Not only does my son have that (due to bariatric surgery), he also has brittle diabetes (which we now believe was also born from that same surgery) , so we're hoping the two don't cause his neuropathy to advance too quickly.
I've watched the good doctor's videos many times, including this one. I have commented before on this but just wanted to update that I have forgiven the narc couple I was 'helping' (it was like getting a double whammy). I DID have feelings of contempt and actually vengeance as well (which is not like me at all! After all, it would be very easy to do knowing their weaknesses, but where would it get you? More trouble most likely). When it finally sank in that they are empty inside and cannot face up to who they really are, I actually felt free and smiled for the first time in ages. It wasn't a 'Ha, I'm better than you' feeling, it was a relief is the best I can describe it. I KNOW who I am, they don't. They have a horrible existence, and though like most, I struggle with bills, etc., I'm truly happy with life and who I am. Even the stupid stuff coming from the WH admin doesn't bother me anymore (it used to wind me up no end). I do NOT agree or condone the behaviour, I kinda see it for what it is, if that makes sense? It takes time to get over the abuse, but finally a💡 went off inside with a realisation. It's very difficult to explain (thank God I'm not a therapist, lol), but forgiveness really does set you FREE. I really hope that everyone watching these videos gets that very same freedom from forgiving. I am now ME again and feel so happy because of it. Now, to stay away from those narcissists!
i’m working my way through dr C’s videos and i’m blown away. they are just right at just the right time. i’m 53 and on a long road to recovery and i learn new things every day. ‘forgiveness’ is like forgiving a debt (a release) and moving on. its not forgiveness of behavior or absolving others of sin. it took me long time to get that. wow.
Dr. Joyce Meyers said that when you don't forgive you become like that which you haven't forgiven. For example if someone hurts you you now have that poison in you and forgiveness is assuring that the poison doesn't stay... kind of like a vampire bite is what creates another vampire. Forgiveness would be the vampire antidote. Also though, I think many well meaning Healer's don't understand the nature of narcissism and encourage victims (for lack of a better word) to forgive in a way that requires equal good will on both parts. They mistakenly send guppies into the mouth of sharks because they don't understand the danger and that narcissists don't simply "need a hug" because he's a "hurt person who hurts people" because of his wounded "inner child." Lots of so called healers and spiritual leaders are perpetuating codependency and dysfunction based on encouraging interaction that is spiritually deadly to the abused. They act as if you lack "faith" that things can improve rather than hard core facts and awareness about people with psychological disorders above your pay grade to handle. You can forgive and heal with no contact and from a distance.
I have a sister who is narc, and so much of what you say applies. For years I believed her about me, but I am better able to stand my ground with her now.
I just bought your book on Barnes and Noble! I appreciate your insightful analysis. It's totally helping me through a challenging time. Thank you Dr. Les! ✌💜😊🙏
Just rise above these a holes and never lower yourself to there level. Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a drunk! Does no good only makes it worse.
Pain is the teacher.... never mask it, never run from it, never bury it...feel it and you’ll come out on the other side free of the pain and much wiser. The universe sent you this test because it knew you needed to learn the particular lesson..... pain (and often money) is tuition paid.
Especially if you have been abused I think it's perfectly normal to feel righteous anger. But the narcissist will never give you any kind of apology. You have to let things go for your own peace of mind. Moving forward each day, living a beautiful life! That's the balm for your soul💜🌈💜
Hmm.... I recently learned through indirect message, that my ex has/had cancer. My response was: Uhuh. Our common aquantance wrote: But this is serious. I basically answered: So what? Now I've had about 10 wonderfull years without communication with my ex. So whatever happens I've had those years. My neighbor - a single mother - about 20 years younger than me: When I was ill, she called the ambulance - eventually it was nothing to serious - and stayed till it came. I am far from beeing rich - VERY far - but as soon as I was released from hospital I bought her the biggest box of luxury chocolates I could scrounge up. Hospital staff got the same in 3 boxes. But then: It was the least I could do.
Forgiveness is choosing to move on from people, places, situations and circumstances which brought pain, sorrow, grief and cut off the emotional cords of pain, contempt, disdain and repulsion from them.
I know I have healed when I dont talk about it much any more, it was awful having that obsession. I realized they are just messed up people and glad to be away from it. I am glad to be enjoying life and not wasting my time on these people any more.
