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Five Minutes in Matt's Mind

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Matt makes a note of silly things that make him laugh, whether from his mind wandering or odd conversations with friends. This is us, reading through the note. (included below too!)
MATT: / unnamedculprit | TOM: / tomscottgo
New Citation Needed won't be out for a month or two, but we've got over 30 already here in this playlist!
• Ruth Belville and Time...
~~~ The contents of Matt's note ~~~
Keith Moon Landing
(Danny) DeVito Burrito Mojito
Penn Gillette razor
For fuck's saké
The Vengaboys' Intercity Disco: a party in the cab of a 225
Gangrene - a Geordie who's just started recycling.
Roquefort pinafore
Pricey précis
Freddie flintoff's "unboxing” video
St Paul’s Balls
Panache ganache
Squat & haggard. Detectives?
Reagan's Ray Gun
Sarah Michelle Gellar's cellar fella (a man)
Sir Cecil Starboard Sirloin's Sailing Stakehouse and Sex Shop
Surf turf and birth
Sphynx-ter
Crystal meth crystal maze
Premium-Bond villain
Burt Bacharach sack and crack
Vladimir Putin on the ritz
Jeremy Irons Man
La boheme Boney M
Pathetic prophetic prosthetic
Thora Hird's Third Bird turd
Socrates cock tease
Cabaret Charles
Amateurfiteroles
Ouija board / weegie board (Glaswegian)
Exponential existential crisis.
Too noisy to be a civil engineer

Опубликовано:

29 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 598

@brianartillery 7 лет назад

My late mum used to refer to the 'Births, Marriages, and Deaths' page in our local paper as the 'Hatched, Matched, and Dispatched' section.

@thetasigma412 3 года назад

I know that it’s been 3 years but i have to mention how utterly hilarious this is

@meetaverma8372 3 года назад

She was a brilliant mum 💕💕 RIP

@gwyneddboom2579 3 года назад

@@meetaverma8372 pardon for making the joke but has she now hatched matched and dispatched?

@zyaicob 3 года назад

May she rest in peace. Her life was a blessing and I'm proud of the person she made you.

@katshadwick7061 3 года назад

It's a CBC TV show as well (hatching, matching, and dispatching).

@isabijl 7 лет назад

You guys should put a bench on a parking lot. "I'm Matt and I'm Tom and this is a parked bench" please do this

@dragoncurveenthusiast 7 лет назад

Pi Rho I'm sure Matt would love this idea! I do.

@una_10bananas 7 лет назад

Pi Rho +

@helloworld4390 6 лет назад

Great idea, but to have a parked bench, surely it would have to have wheels?

@mbainrot 6 лет назад

**Goes to the hardware store** "well that can be arranged" :)

@pepperjeanne1566 6 лет назад

@MrTedjamable 7 лет назад

Semi-illegal, shiny grey-scale flooring business run by one of the Citation Needed pane exclusively for friends.... Matt Gray's gray-market matte grey matts for mates!

@dasdaasdasda1047 4 года назад

Slight correction, matte means the opposite of shiny.

@clockworkkirlia7475 4 года назад

What if the company goes into bedding, the new focus on fabrics (highly uncomfortable, despite being sourced from the Mediterranean) causing the flooring to become extremely ill-kept carpeting, requiring strong folk using farm tools to remove, sadly resulting in their ultimately pointless deaths, as broadcast by a pirate? Moot martyrs mightily mattock Matt Gray's graceless grey-market matted matte grey matts for mates! (Greatly-grating Graecian mattress mats might matter, matey!)

@kildeer1897 Месяц назад

MYSTERY BISCUTS!!!!!!!!!

@petemagnuson7357 7 лет назад

If you're too noisy to be a civil engineer, can you find work on an oil rig as a crude engineer?

@flainYT 6 лет назад

yes

@iluvearth99 6 лет назад

@lauraireson6358 6 лет назад

@pepperjeanne1566 6 лет назад

@MaximNightFury 5 лет назад

@frustbox 7 лет назад

In German we have a beautiful word for this kind of questionable humour: Verbalsadismus. Verbal sadism. I think many of Tom's reactions illustrate quite nicely why we call it that.

@micahphilson 5 лет назад

Games with Nic, For a true pundit, the punts are puny punishment. We live for your groans!

@Neophobic 3 года назад

theres a word for everything in german

@ericpraline 3 года назад

Ich mag das Wort

@myladycasagrande863 Год назад

@@Neophobic yes, it's "alles"

@RainaRamsay 6 лет назад

Matt: "Speaking of which" -Starts unzipping his hoodie- Tom: (much more calmly than you'd think) "Blimey, what's going on?"

@timorgano 6 лет назад

Coming back to this, I just love that you can see a little bit of Tom's sanity die every time Matt speaks... Matt is wearing him down, and soon Tom will be a nervous gibbering wreck...Keep it up, Matt

@johndavenport2847 7 лет назад

A short list of everything that makes Matt laugh: Everything

@probablynot8154 7 лет назад

Hmm let me think of something incredibly dark and probably I'm gunna regret saying.

@yokowan 7 лет назад

*giggles*

@docktorwho4793 7 лет назад

A very good one, Herman Goering's pencil drawings

@MrSafeTCam 7 лет назад

Squeegee Board. What you'd use to clean a ghost.

@LilyRoseGames 5 лет назад

this is amazing

@CoffeeOnRails 7 лет назад

"Well done for slowing this video down for trying to get some spoilers for Citation Needed. Unfortunately I thought you might do this and recorded my own voice later, I just went into the voice memos app on my phone and recorded some audio to speed up over the top. So, unfortunately, uh, you are unlucky, but congratulations, you found an easter egg, and uh I haven't got anything else to really say (glibberish) the recording I am talking to is about 25 seconds and there we go we-re all done, back to the video!" sorry tom and i have no life.

@teuthida1657 7 лет назад

Thank you! Also, I'm guessing that there is "... I haven't really got anything else to say here, but I wanna continue talking to this exactly about 25 seconds..." ~ Another person without a live

@fablungo 7 лет назад

Damn, got beaten to it.

@allisaallisa-wr6vd 7 лет назад

@Wheeze_NL 7 лет назад

Wauw! Let me take of my hat for you!

@rikschaaf 7 лет назад

If I had a hat for every hat written as had I would have had a hat.

@Nulono 7 лет назад

Those two jokes you teased but skipped are going to bug me all day. As punishment, here are two unclosed parentheses: ((

@thryduulf 7 лет назад

))

@asagoldsmith3328 7 лет назад

Chris McKenna (((

@frostplatypus 7 лет назад

Asa Goldsmith ))

@froggyjones6240 7 лет назад

)

@ragnkja 7 лет назад

(((...)

@tiltedtesseract8210 7 лет назад

A normal person has an existential crisis; A mathematician has an exponential crisis.

@ragnkja 7 лет назад

Most of my exponential crises have been in physics calculations.

@AnimeSunglasses 7 лет назад

If "Socrates Cocktease" isn't somebody's stripper name within a week, the internet has failed us.

@PantheraLeo04 4 года назад

Because of Bill and Ted I will always read this as so-crates

@nitehawk86 4 года назад

so-crates coke-trace

@BeccaMoses 4 года назад

my new high-concept but very provocative drag king character

@AnimeSunglasses 4 года назад

@@BeccaMoses I'd go to that show. What other philosophers can we get in there?

@juango500 4 года назад

sorry mann

@Northfan42 6 лет назад

Tom looks like he's genuinely in pain from some of these puns. Yet, he lets Matt persist. Good man.

@lucky_u19 7 лет назад

I salute the people who would attempt to do the closed caption for this video.

@atomicmrpelly 7 лет назад

I thought it would be amusing to watch the video again with subtitles after reading your comment, but sadly they are totally illegible because for some reason RU-vid has set them as white text appearing in an off-white box.

@ragnkja 7 лет назад

Press _B_ to cycle through options for caption background colour, and _O_ to change the opacity of the text.

@atomicmrpelly 7 лет назад

Thank you kind stranger!

@atomicmrpelly 7 лет назад

It's highly amusing.

@FlexitCam 7 лет назад

@JinzoDefiler i agree, me as dutchmen has a pretty good english education, But those park benches are very good for social interaction, even after speaking over 15 years english i still learn everytime from them. I do some Subs for things you might not know, and hack it can be difficult. but its usefull!

@tommoda9589 7 лет назад

excited for the matt and tom harmonising with a helicopter remix

@theninjas2870 7 лет назад

I hope this will be brought into this realm and someone graces this commen with a reply to the said remix

@unakamillasteinsen4817 7 лет назад

Anybody else who sang the third tone in the harmony at the end? 😁

@MirNajJann 7 лет назад

Una Kamilla Steinsen me!! 😂

@max-beckett 7 лет назад

Una Kamilla Steinsen YES

@AntiComposite 7 лет назад

I sang the fourth, seeing as they harmonized with the helicopter.

@LeopardAzure 7 лет назад

I couldn't resist xD

@ragnkja 7 лет назад

Of course.

@Heschoscho 7 лет назад

As a non-native english speaker, nearly all these jokes just go by me. Either because I don't know the things/people they're about or because they're mumbled. Still laughing my ass out because of your reactions. :D

@samramdebest 7 лет назад

you actually got one ‽ I got none of them...

@Heschoscho 7 лет назад

Got lucky on amateurfiterole

@ltericdavis2237 7 лет назад

As a native English speaker, I didn't even get half of them. Even looking at them written in the description, cause most of them are referential. But yeah, I laugh at them just cause of the reactions.

@hdef6602 7 лет назад

true x_x

@Azeria 7 лет назад

I've gone through them all and tried to explain them, it's somewhere in the comments.

@nameredacted725 7 лет назад

I was eating ameteurfiteroles when i watched this. Sainsbury's frozen ones cannot be called 'pro'

@petertaylor4980 4 года назад

While I understand the sentiment, I think that they can't strictly be amateur if you paid for them.

@johnydl 7 лет назад

/me offer's a computer produced mathematical plot of a British comedian's signed medieval weapon That's an auto-graphed graph of Rory McGrath's Autographed Quarterstaff

@brandonmartin-moore5302 5 лет назад

I would never have thought of this.

@iiiiitsmagreta1240 3 года назад

I hate you. Nice one.

@BeastOfTraal 7 лет назад

Miley Cyrus's grandmothers yellow kerchief. . . . . . . . . Hannah Montana's nana's banana bandanna

@brandonmartin-moore5302 5 лет назад

This is so so good

@meetaverma8372 3 года назад

Good

@AJigsawnHalo 7 лет назад

That outro bit is mesmerizing.

@froidesprit 7 лет назад

Helicopter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Matt: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Tom: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Me: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

@CanuckJim 7 лет назад

What about the theft that occurred at a small hotel catering sub/dom enthusiasts - the B&D B&B B&E?

@thryduulf 7 лет назад

It the establishment were operated by a well-known chain of British DIY stores it would be a B&Q B&D B&B B&E

@paulsengupta971 7 лет назад

What if they were taken over by Bang and Olufsen?

@evandavis5223 7 лет назад

How about some role playing while waiting in a hospital? D&D at A&E

@MaximNightFury 5 лет назад

That also serves primarily smoked, roasted, or baked pork, beef, or chicken: the B&D B&B B&E B&Q D&D BBQ at A&E

@jettthorp9444 4 года назад

See, the joke rolls off the tongue if we drop the non-E sounds. D, B and E are all ee sounds, so chucking in some D&D, or maybe even some with just an E sound to end the couplet -A&E- will do the joke well, keeping alliteration* (not sure that’s the right word to describe the same sound words) consistent as possible

@andrerenault 4 года назад

"You're just saying words!" Anyone else think that sounded a lot like Richard Hammond yelling?

@MartynDerg 3 года назад

"those of you who watch citation needed, both of you," cracked me up more than I'd like it to

@ChrissieBear 7 лет назад

"Both of you." Wait, I'm not the only one?!

@jonathanshaw6784 7 лет назад

IoKnight oh my god! I'm not alone!

@StrokeMahEgo 7 лет назад

IoKnight it's at least three of us

@davec8385 7 лет назад

we four shall stand strong

@rchard2scout 7 лет назад

There are dozens of us! Dozens!

@ltericdavis2237 7 лет назад

We are not alone!

@mattandtom 7 лет назад

I've pasted the contents of my note into the video's description, in case you can't tell what we're saying! --Matt

@amyjayne6950 7 лет назад

No you didn't!!!

@mattandtom 7 лет назад

If you can't see it you need to click "Show More" below the description just below the video --Matt.

@amyjayne6950 7 лет назад

That wasn't there before ;) Love you both! Watching these brightens my day!

@thhori2727 7 лет назад

Park bench idea: trying to collectively hum the THX deepnote.

@AMTunLimited 7 лет назад

By the way, they're called "word avalanches"

@bradrolph44 5 лет назад

6:10 you did harmonize yeah, major third. always surprises me that humans are so good at finding harmony on their own

@spacewarpphotography1667 7 лет назад

This sort of wordplay inspired me to do something similar for my friends every Wednesday, so non-sarcastically, thank you for that! My favorite so far is: Working together, Mr. Stantz, Mr. Charles, and the girlfriend of an explosiphilic filmmaker have harnessed the power of deadly sea creatures to produce a weapon to conquer the world. It's... Ray, Ray, and Bay's bae's electric ray ray!

@DrawCuriosity 7 лет назад

I think Matt and I are on a very similar wavelength, I also find most things amusing! 😂

@frederikhansen3813 3 года назад

Five minutes of Matt laughing hysterically and Tom saying "No!! Not doing that!!"

@Nodus 7 лет назад

alternate title of this video: PerusingAParcelOfPoorParkPewProposals

@MicroBlogganism 7 лет назад

Matt Gray's grey matter memos

@westlifejjfan 7 лет назад

MicroBlogganism or 'what's the matter with Matt Gray's grey matter. Or the material in Matt Gray's grey matter 😀

@lillyapidastra8759 7 лет назад

Cara Watson Tom Scott describing this episode to his future son: 'Fey natters on matters on Matt Gray's grey matter, son!'

@stumbling 7 лет назад

May Matt Gray's grammatical grey matter matters matter?

@alleeum 7 лет назад

Wonderful, all of these!

@ArrangedNoiseFan 3 года назад

5:19 “I see you’ve tried to slow this video down to spoil citation needed. Unfortunately, I thought you might do this. And I recorded my own voice...? (Unintelligible)”

@welcoe 3 года назад

"Well done, slowing this video down to try and get some spoilers for Citation Needed. Unfortunately, I thought you might do this, and recorded my own voice later, uh, just into my phone on a voicemail of that to provide some plausible audio to speed up over the top. So unfortunately, you are unlucky but congratulations you found an easter egg. Uh, haven't got anything else to say here but I'm gonna continue talking to this cause I actually need about 25 seconds there we go and we're all done, back to the video."

@micahphilson 5 лет назад

This sort of thing goes on in my head all the time. Though I more often have perfect song, band, or album titles. "Programmed Hypocrisy", "Seeing a mushroom in the clouds", "Afterlife Support", and "Last Man Ständig" (ständig is german for "constantly") are some of my absolute favorites.

@jamesburgess3512 7 лет назад

You know, there's a city in Canada with an exhibit on the horsemen who were there at Jesus' crucifixion: It's Calgary's Calvary Cavalry

@harrietriddle2197 5 лет назад

Catered by Calgary's Calvary Cavalry's Carvery.

@zyaicob 3 года назад

@@harrietriddle2197 i want to keep this going but I'm too weak

@Big-The-Dave 7 лет назад

A traffic warden at the Jedi temple on Coruscant: "Darth Vader's Alma Mater Meter Maid"

@SonOfFurzehatt 7 лет назад

These two must be fans of I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue. "This week's prize is sure to delight fans of Chinese food and handicrafts. It's this lovely set of knitting noodles." "This week's prize is guaranteed to keep any housewife warm in bed. It's this electric Blunkett."

@skevoid 7 лет назад

Clearly it should have been "Burt Bach-Sack-and-Crack-arach"

@deeelmore4560 6 лет назад

skevoid YES. CORRECT.

@arthurhenriqued.a.ribeiro2078 3 года назад

Or maybe Burt Crackarach's Back Bach and Sack and Burt Back-a-Crack Bacharach and Sack

@fanaticalpotato 7 лет назад

Squat and Haggard _do_ sound like detectives! I'm also quite glad Tom went for a major harmony there.

@q9968 3 года назад

Matt is a memetic hazard

@really-quite-exhausted 3 месяца назад

I misread this as "Matt is a magnetic lizard" 😂

@traisjames2 Год назад

I absolutely love the jokes at the end of Citation Needed.

@robburgess4556 7 лет назад

I wanna know which jokes Tom refused to say :-)

@elbowsbuns1896 3 года назад

Same here.

@biiianciii888 4 года назад

Matt is me making puns and Tom is all of my friends collectivly sighing

@kathrynblodgett1969 7 лет назад

The helicopter harmonizing at the end was awesome. And your minds bouncing off each other like that is what makes you two so funny. So we may have 5mins in Matt's mind, but also 5mins of seeing Tom's reflection. Reflection not copy. The mirror warps and bends light creating something new by combining 2other things.

@AmySoyka 7 лет назад

The colour of a dull tin roof and a male cat in a kilt = Matt Gray and Tom Scott.

@morthoton7789 7 лет назад

When you have a friend like Matt xD Then again nice harmonization at the end 10/10

@infrabread 7 лет назад

Sees title: "5 minutes in Matt's mind". Sees video length: 6:28.

@InsideInterpreting 5 лет назад

Tom should go into the microwave meals business and sell Tom Scott Hotpot. Matt should design yoga furniture for IKEA so he can sell Matt's Flat Pack Back Mat.

@GryphLane 5 лет назад

Japanese rice wine made for a vulpine. For Fox Saké.

@WryAun 3 года назад

I really hope one day when Tom's made it big he'll come back and tell us about these jokes he cut Because he thought they'd damage his career

@ricardoquerubin3962 3 года назад

You saying Tom hasn't already made it big?

@WryAun 3 года назад

@@ricardoquerubin3962 he could go bigger

@balrogdahomie 6 лет назад

Matt seems like the best kind of friend.

@LetsTryVlogging365 7 лет назад

Matt you should tweet the ones Tom said no to!!! Up vote this if you think he should!

@PaganSamurai 6 лет назад

Congratulations, you win a pair of pants made of juice pouches, covered in symbols to the Egyptian beetle god - Khepri's Capri-Sun Capris.

@MasterHigure 7 лет назад

I always liked the characterisation of Ghandi as a "super callussed fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".

@aspidoscelis Год назад

Few titles inspire such dread, yet anticipation.

@leapoffaith20 6 лет назад

"Good, wonderful" That was really the only reaction you could've given.

@tannerwatson7023 7 лет назад

Tom you're awesome your main channel is very interesting and then when you bring Matt into it, it becomes funny and just fun to watch

@hullinstruments 4 года назад

Pretty sure this is my favorite video on either one of y’all‘s channels. And it proves the theory that yes opposites attract… Regarding both couples and friends. I love you Matt, and I like you Tom.

@Gilgwathir 7 лет назад

Now I have knots in my speech center neurons from trying to pronounce these things. +unnamedculprit I love this. I annoy the crap out of my friends with stuff like this too =)

@micahphilson 5 лет назад

Opium-oblivious oscillating ocelots obfuscate Omaha Orpheum outdoor opera operations. My family came up with that one day at lunch. I've actually forgotten about half of it!

@Longquark 7 лет назад

Matt says "Scraping the barrel of park bench ideas" but I honestly think this is one of the best ones :D my mind kind-of has a way with words like Matt's so it's inspirational also that aircraft harmonization

@comradegeneralvladimirpoot1313 5 лет назад

The inner machinations of Matt's mind are an enigma.

@JoeBleasdaleReal 4 года назад

You have won a stretchy piece of cord used by a member of the clergy: *Vicar elastic.*

@Funzo2000 7 лет назад

I have to say as a person who is often referred to as a "dick" for being extremely critical of everything. Both Tom's main channel and Matt and Tom make up a very large proportion of the videos I have ever liked on RU-vid. Love you Tom and Matt :)

@AFN2750 3 года назад

If I spent five minutes in Matt’s mind, I feel like I would be scarred for life

@woodgreener 7 лет назад

Die Hard villain flattening Tony Stark's Charged Particles? Jeremy Irons irons Iron Man's ions.

@moongirl26 7 лет назад

I love Matt's giggle!

@diffjuns323 6 месяцев назад

While I was trying to fall asleep the other night I was struck with "Lorem Ipsum Salts"

@maxximumb 7 лет назад

A psychic window cleaner's squeegee board?

@MetaBloxer 7 лет назад

"Those of you who watch Citation Needed, both of you..." It took me 10 seconds to get that joke, but it was worth it.

@johnno4127 7 лет назад

I'm so glad there's a new Citation Needed in the works!

@borismatesin 3 года назад

It took me THIS LONG to realize "Burt Bacharach's back, crack and sack" has the same meter and accents as "Chim-chiminey, Chim-chiminey, Chim-Chim-Cher-ee". I don't know what to do with that information, really.

@MrJoecordo 6 лет назад

my brain has been doing this with words my whole life......for instance, there's a trade show for folks who live in adobe igloos to show off their psychedelic drugs..... the "Mexican Eskimo Mescaline Expo"

@FTE99699 7 лет назад

haha "I'm not sharing that one!"... jump cut: Matt tried anyways :D

@ThelifeofLauren 4 года назад

Definitely started harmonizing with them at the end.

@kathyh8047 4 года назад

i just love how done tom is lmao

@requiembeeblebroxx 7 лет назад

Helicopter duet: best ending to a Park Bench video?

@brianartillery 7 лет назад

Michelle Gellar's Cellar Fella - If you are going the 'Buffy' route, then that's Spike, surely? In one season of the show, before he got himself a nice crypt (with a TV and an armchair), he shared Xander's basement. Not an ideal arrangement, but it did show Spike's love of Weetabix - he crumbled them into blood to give it more texture. On hearing this, Giles said, with feeling: "Remind me to never eat again...".

@harrystone6852 6 лет назад

Matt is the best human being

@d3str0i3r 3 года назад

friendship goals

@Zooooch1989 4 года назад

So I'm binge watching this series,and I keep catching myself saying "they aren't sitting six feet apart!"

@tempest_dawn 7 лет назад

Gave you guys a thumbs up just for that lovely harmony at the end.

@samdibb1786 3 года назад

my brain works like that too so was laughing for the entire 6 mins

@wolfbd5950 4 года назад

3:35 nice callback to the 2 Drums and a Cymbal video

@Commandelicious 7 лет назад

"You are just a rude engineer." ... ... ... "Awww" 8)

@AhmadLad 4 года назад

Matt gray to Tom scott is what Andy zaltsman was to John oliver. A source of painful joy

@therese294776 7 лет назад

Necessity of avoiding Citation Needed spoilers = more Citation Needed in the offing. This makes me so, so happy.

@NinF37 2 года назад

I love Matt’s laugh, it just makes me smile

@markmcmillan1146 7 лет назад

Don't worry guys, I sang the fifth.

@tess77262 3 года назад

Matt giggling always makes me happy

@teamcyeborg 2 года назад

The captions at 5:01 basically just sum up the entire thing

@CharlieElwess 7 лет назад

Laughed loads at this. Harmonising with the plane at the end was superb!

@jackielinde7568 7 лет назад

6:06 Making music with the doppler effect. I don't think it's been done before, but it's definitely possible.

@InsideInterpreting 5 лет назад

Tom and Matt had to move away from their previous video format as there was a bad smell coming from a tool someone had left underneath them. Yes, it was a park bench wrench stench.