Very enjoyable reinterpretation. This is likely the kind of analysis that Ethan Van Sciver wishes I would provide for his books, whereas I tend to focus more on cleaning up the minor issues so the book can shine as-is. Three quick points: (1) You keep using "ancestor" when you mean "descendant"; (2) ISOM #1 has established that Altona's husband is dead, so he can't be working to put out the oil fire Yaira caused -- but it could be his firefighting unit, who are like family to Altona, and this will reinforce the "reconnect with family" theme; (3) Yaira can't interview at Projexus because as of ISOM #2 she already works there as a consultant, so have her existing job be her "in" instead.
I almost think her being a Viking for the entire first issue would be far more immersive. With maybe the last could pages circling back to the modern day. Or you could have the modern day be slight glimmers and “flash forwards”. Would make for a way more intriguing introduction. Then this book would be a better issue 2.
I would be curious to see that. Haven't read Godlike but the writing and story in Blood Honey are atrocious. Pure amateur hour and the people who say otherwise are lying. Wreaked is definitely better but they story still struggles a lot.
Von, you’d be surprised how many writers have no idea how to use a 3 act structure but they call themselves writers. They have no idea what plot points are, inciting incident, story hooks, conflicts, contrast between good and bad characters, rising and falling action. This and not having a good editor is my biggest problem with indie comics
I would argue that some of the best writers don’t need to think about any of those things, they are beats that become internalized and inherently express themselves in any well told story. It’s not like the Iliad and Odyssey or the Epic of Gilgamesh or even Tolkien or Hemingway or Fitzgerald had spread sheets and plot points outlined on beat sheets. But you have to have a lot of experience to “feel” the beats. The Hero’s Journey is all about how even archaic mythology prove these elements are intrinsic to human storytelling for all of history. I’m not in any way saying Eric or anyone involved has that much experience. But I am saying intentionally using these elements is not necessary to tell a compelling story. It’s primarily for people who do not have real experience yet.
@@ghost-user559 you’re right. it’s funny you bring up internalized, inherent and intrinsically knowing plot points and story beats when writing a story because when I wrote my first graphic novel script in 2019 and gave it to an editor, he said all the plot points and story beats were there in my script and they weren’t all over the place. They were maybe 2-3 pages off from the normal points in a 3 act structured script but they were there. I was glad to hear this because it was my first written script. I didn’t go to school or had a mentor to learn all this. I’m self taught but I LOVE storytelling. I spent hours reading everything I could get my hands on as a kid and watched movies like drug addicts doing coke. I’m still reading and watching as an adult so when it came time to sit down and write, I locked myself away and it’s like I knew script format before writing. It came natural for me. I think these ideas and concepts of storytelling has been embedded in our DNA and we just have to tap into it. Yea, I watched the occasional RU-vid video on how to format your script but they all sounded wordy, boring and had nonsensical information you’ll never used but I still took the information in to use as my guideline for creating structure. I even went back and timed the points in my script and compared it with other Hollywood scripts and it was very close to what’s recommended for 3 act structures. I still do rewrites to clean up and fine tune but I’m happy with how my whole process naturally evolved. I still learning day to day.
I, for one, look forward to more episodes of Unfucked Cast or whatever you want to call it. Review stories that need fixing. Fix them up. Maybe invite others who have an alternative way yo fix the exact dame story. Talk about narrative structure and how we can always find a way to make diamonds out of rocks and all we need is to put in a little extra effort. Or 15 million worth of effort in the Rippaverse's case 😂😂😂
I highly recommend Eric July and the Soska Sisters watch this entire video. Hell, I'd recommend it to struggling writers at Marvel, DC, and IDW. This is how a writer/editor of any merit approaches storytelling. What essentially was published of Yaira is what I would call the roughest of drafts that never saw a re-write. The lack of competent script readers and editors coupled with the idea of "Just get it done! It's finished let's put it out and rake in cash" without at least 3 drafts is what has led to most western media's diminishing returns. You have to care about what you're writing about, if you don't, why should audiences care? Nice work Von, you may wish to offer consults / editing services along with your RU-vid Channel and the comics you're creating and publishing. You did an excellent job in fixing the pacing of the story while keeping most of the elements and even fixed Stephanya (except you didn't correct the misspelling it's Stephanie), You gave Yaira's backstory meaning as well as given her some character motivation. And you did it professionally and positively. FOR FREE. This is of value, in that you gave the character "legs" If I was Eric July (and thankfully I am not), I would incorporate the ideas to make Yaira (and the rest of the Rippaverse cast) viable properties. ( doubt it will be well received by the Rippaverse, as "humility, isn't what they do.") Well done, I enjoyed this.
I really enjoyed this rewrite (and your review). So far the best objective coverage of Yaira's story, the actual content of the book, has been from you and Mike Partyka. I would call them dry (but not in a bad way) scientific examinations of the writing and I enjoy those kinds of breakdowns. I'm working (slowly) on my own review of Yaira but it's heavily edited and leans hard into comedy, so I really appreciate this type of analysis as a contrast to the silliness of folks like me. I felt like the strongest aspect of Yaira by FAR was the backstory. In fact, just because Yaira HAD a backstory, it made Yaira my favorite Rippabook, despite being potentially the worst of the four, simply because I feel like I know the character somewhat, compared to knowing nothing about Isom or the members of Alphacore (except the thimble-full of development we got of Valdez). I liked your rewrite focusing on aspects of her viking backstory and connecting that to the modern day. It was easy for my to visualize panels that showed her fighting as a viking and then using the same technique in the present, or imagine her fighting "for fun" as a viking until she had to use her powers, all sorts of potentially cool artwork that would bridge the past and present together. I know you get a lot of flak for being vehemently anti-July, but I feel like this rewrite is very positive, and acknowledges one of the strongest parts of the book and then looks for ways to elevate that and make the book stronger. This and the previous video review are good criticism. I hope you will give my own work a look and if you find it lacking, give it a similar treatment, simply because I feel like anyone can learn from a thoughtful alternative perspective from another writer. Cheers, man. Good job!
Chief, all other projects also had professional writers 😂😂😂 the Rippaverse is CURSED 😂😂😂 And I'm not talking about Rippa. His ghost writers is a pro in the business. Rippa couldn't write his way out of a paper bag.
@@True_Chemo They wrote ONE low effort mervel story with zero relation or impact on the overall marvel world. Then they spend their entire lives making low effort gore porn amateur trash. Theyre still at beginner level if we go by what other pros with their years of experience would be pumping out.
Yeah this was actually a really good rewrite man. If I had one criticism I feel like you could have kept isom's sister and made the other lady her assistant or her partner helping her in the science lab or something. What's that's another day I want to bring app why exactly did you highlight her being a black scientist. Like the way you worded it made it seem like that was a problem or something, What besides all done this was really good and it gave me some helpful advice like my stories
"why exactly did you highlight her being a black scientist. Like the way you worded it" Because those are the tropes from Marvel. They're devoid of character development. Mary Sues. Very lazy and very indicative of not actually having writing skill, and or, just having an identity politics agenda.
He did keep Isom's sister as the scientist and made Stephanya another lab technician. I believe he highlighted Altona because it's been an ongoing trope in comics and other media of late, black, girl bossing and super smart being their only character traits. (example: Shuri from Black Panther or RiRi from Iron Man).
Because so many of these characters have "smart and black" as their defining traits. No personality, no angle whatsoever. It's a full-on trope at this point.
@@mindandbody7971 Okay I guess I just didn't notice. Honestly done right that trope isn't really as annoying plus I'm pretty sure Sherri was already super-intelligent
It's always fun to fix writing issues and great practice for your own writing. I do it all the time with Starwars lol. That said I still feel like this is too busy for 1 comic. I feel like I would just completely toss the 2 Yaira-like villains and just have Magus Nuumite be the 1 sent after her. Tease the other 2 at the end of the comic.
I personally like this story rewrite a lot. This definitely makes me feel more of what a hero should do and should become. And thanks for explaining some more things about writing such as character arc
This video wins on many levels. Please review Call Sign: Orion when it releases on Fund My Comic. Everyone who has read the script says it’s fun. I don’t think Mike Baron’s editing will let you down.
@@VonsHauntedCastlefrom now on, I will refer to myself as a Ghost tech millionare I may be an unknown tech millionare or a ghost of a dead tech millionare, who knows. Spooooooky
@@ghost-user559 He did mention many times that Chuck dixon was involved in the writing of ISOM so in a way, he WAS trying to imply he was the ghost writer lol And i quote "If people found out that Chuck Dixon was actually the one doing some of the writer, they wouldnt have these critcisms they label against me". A few other streams he implied that there were other people writing it and that it wasnt him. I personally dont care because i didnt buy a product because someone else made it. I buy it because its good shit. I dont hate a product because its made or ghost made by someone else, i hate it because its not good shit.
Your story made me tear up. Something I would add - as she was living 1000+ years among humans, she could have caused Titanic to sink with her powers, or a plague, earthquakes, she could be the one behind all major disasters - while stealing some "trinkets" just for fun - living in a cave- castle filled with treasures from all over the world(s), reading scrolls from Alexandria, and perhaps taking care of some extinct plants and animals, which could later be useful for connecting with Bloodruth - making potions, for example. Btw, has anyone noticed: Magus = MAGA. Soskas must be laughing their asses off.
Love the critique! Haven't read Yaira because I don't want to give this clown money for bad work but its very clear they are trying to write Yaira as badass for the sake of being badass but it ends up as making the character a villain and no one would want to spend time and money with that character. Yaira should have been more of a vigilante hero (to explain the conflict with Alphacore) who kills the villains rather than arrest them. If they want to have Yaira be a villain to anti-hero then they should have gone the Vegeta route where she debutes in a book like Alphacore or ISOM, gets beaten and humbled, which leads to her redemption arc. The flip flopping shit that Rippaverse does where "they don't play by the rules" and never act like heroes or have any likeable qualities while at the same time they want you to sympathize with the characters is insufferable. HAVE CONSISTENT CHARACTERS PLEASE!
This was a great analyzation on how a comic book reconstruction should be handled not by downplaying it but by honestly breaking it down into a lesson on how it could be bettered, and I applaud you for being able to acknowledge your pretty harsh and negative review in your last video, I was hesitant about watching this one but am glad I did this was very educational at best , I read the book and basically agree with all your points and cannot deny your treatment of the script was a logical improvement ...really don't get all the hate for July when all he is doing is what many other comic book creators are doing trying to create an alternative to the current state of the big 2 or just create a comic book as a fan of comics.
"Fuck good stories and characters that will earn the fans' admiration for years and generations to come, lemme put out these dogshit comics to build up my resume stepping stone. " - July...maybe, not really. Von said, "Hold my bloodbag, Imma fix this trash." In this version, Yaira has purpose and she's tolerable. I would say likeable, but I'd need to see the emotional impact of the art to really take it there. Yaira lowkey proves that the Soska's still suffer from SJW brain (social media history aside). They can't write good vs evil, good characters, good deeds. Same with July. That's why it's all trash, they are morally bankrupt.
love IT ILL BUY A remake OF THIS comic BOOK AS A parody/BUT CLEARLY NOT MORE LIKE A "CLEARITY" ..over all Yaira is there Wonder Woman ..to bad you caN'T MAKE IT AND CALL IT Ayrian or something just move the letters around
