3 years ago, at 22 years old i almost took my own life. I was abused as a kid, broken, depressed, anorexic, bulimic, suicidal. I went in & out of psych units like it was a game of tic-tac-toe. Suicide watch. I was on enough Antidepressants to kill a horse. I hated myself. I wanted out. I wanted the pain to stop. The gaslighting* to end. *(when a psycho makes a sane person question their own sanity, and thus think they themselves are the insane one). I wanted power. I got into witchcraft. I thought it would give me the identity i wanted, to be set apart from people who hurt me. It only made me sicker. Sicker. Thats what it did to me. The doctor said id never get well. That i would suffer severe Chronic Manic depression, and never be well, that id be stuck on antidepressants all of my life. I would plot suicide on a daily basis, binging and purging my food as often as opening and closing a door. The pain was too real. People choked me. Assaulted me. Told me i was ugly, i felt worthless. Nothing ever got better. Then my mother died. The (1) & only soul who ever loved /emotionally supported me was removed from the earth. I was stuck living with people who broke me, ruined my identity, thus causing me to hate God. I thought God hated me, that he was just like the ones who tortured me, a family of abusers, who cover up all their actions with the mask of religion. I didnt know that God is on my side. I didnt know that Jesus would Love and Defend me, and fight for me and that He later would heal me, rescue me from Family. The ones who caused me pain. The ones who choked me for wearing a necklace. I moved out after family threatened to throw all my belongings on the front yard, and have me permanently institutionalized in an insane asylum, when they were the ones who caused my mental illness via abuse. They blamed me for the abuse they did to me. To take my life in an insane asylum when they were the ones who made me suicidal. Next morning i spoke with my dead moms parents who let me live with them. I stayed on the antidepressants, prescribed. But they only made me sicker. I got deeper and deeper into witchcraft, thinking it was a solution. But it made me even more suicidal. Self hatred was inescapable. I decided i was going to kill myself. I was going to take all my pills. But then Jesus stepped in. I didnt die. I surrendered my life to Jesus to make me well and heal me. The deity i blamed for me being abused wanted to heal me. He Was fighting for me and Loved me all along. He wanted to love me. He wanted to give me His Heart. HE LOVES ME. JESUS. LOVES. ME . Jesus miraculously healed me - i am off all drugs and dont need them and i dont have any mental illnesses. I am totally healed , full of joy. I’m now a born again Christian, who wants the entire world to know that JESUS WANTS TO HEAL YOU HE. LOVES. YOU. Nuff said.
Man oh man.. here I am, at 1:38am, reliving an amazing day of my life 11+ years ago by binge watching these videos from KRockathon 2010, on nostalgia overload, and I just happen to stumble upon this post.. I got chills, and tears in my eyes reading it. I'm beyond glad you didn't succeed. I didn't either. God saved me from alcoholism, porn addiction, hating life and myself, and wanting to die/commit suicide on a daily basis. Praise God! Jesus loves you brother, and so do I. I hope to see you in Glory some day.
