Honestly though, as someone who freezes (even in adulthood,) talking it through during a freeze can make it embarrassing. Sometimes saying, “Take your time. You are safe. I am here,” works a lot better. Discussing what the freeze could have been from is something to do later because knowing that they’re safe in that moment is easier to process than an explanation.
Is a freeze kind of like a panic attack? I’ve never had that before but I do get bouts of anxiety at night where it’s really had to sleep or do anything else. Just curious as to what it is. Thanks.
@Dreaming Dreamer the freeze is due to overstimulation, a lot of times from panic, but it doesn't have to be. It's the same reaction we see in deer staring in headlights or possums playing dead. Our brains are wired to fight, flee or freeze when we feel over stimulated or very anxious or in danger. It means that the amygdala (I'm dyslexic I tried on the spelling) is in overdrive and pumping too many stress hormones through the blood system. It is actually a really common stress response in a lot of animals including humans. People who often freeze might also sometimes pass out for the same reasons. i get the freezeing sometimes. It's like everything just shuts down.
The other commenter, Allison, described it correctly, except that it’s not always a complete shut down. A complete shut down is dissociation. A freeze is more like, being able to see, hear, and feel, but not having the capacity to move, speak, or feel anything except whichever extreme emotion that one is feeling. I get them with too many loud noises, too much going on within a day, and with situations that would make anyone else stressed out. I wish that I had a foster parent when I was a child to tell me that I was safe because freezes are caused by the feeling of not being safe being stored in the amygdala. It’s a difficult sensation to unlearn because it’s stored in a part of the brain that stores instincts. Instead I stayed in an abusive situation for 30 years (I wasn’t allowed to move out until I was 24, but the abuse continued until age 30 when I visited.) I’m working through it and other symptoms of CPTSD weekly in somatic therapy at age 34. I broke the cycle with my own kid. Respectful parenting all the way.
I know that they’re connected. Question: do you remember what happens during your dissociation? From the people who I’ve talked to who dissociate, they say it’s like period of lost time. One friend has a book that he writes in recording dissociation times because he could have been standing in the middle of his living room for two minutes or two hours. If you remember what happens, even if your emotions suddenly turn off during a freeze (which happens to me in extreme circumstances), it’s not likely a dissociation.
As an adult with PTSD, this is perfect. I still freeze nearly 20 years after my trauma, and my husband learned how to do all of this sort of thing with me. Just watching your video made me feel relaxed, so I think you're doing something right :)
this, exactly!! I've never been a foster child, but I'm also an adult with PTSD who experiences dissociative shutdowns that look like this and benefit from being treated this way. I'm also lucky to have a boyfriend who immediately took to learning how to help me in this state as soon as he knew that it was a thing I experienced. I hope both you and your husband are doing well and I'm glad you've got someone who does that for you!
This has been so helpful to me as a teacher. Having a child refuse to speak can definitely not be disrespectful but it could be a freeze response. I am always looking to learn more about how to help my students feel safe in my classroom. Thank you.
I’m 42 and suffered with selective mutism as a child and I can tell you it was absolute hell. You want to be able to speak more than anything, but you just can’t. You are locked in. It ends up causing even more trauma because people don’t know how to deal with it.
I have chronic pain which can cause it to be very difficult to speak when it being really painful. I learnt finger spelling BSL(British sign language) and it can be amazing for communicating what wrong, what I need, how people can help when my brain just can’t get the words out my mouth. It can be slightly interesting as I’m not a particular good speller but often the first few letter are enough to get my family to understand. It won’t help in a full freeze situation but recommend some amount of sign language (even if you just make up a ‘timeout’ sign).
I mean, just from my own experience growing up, refusing to dual was never about sorrow or disrespect for me as a kid, and always about the fear that no matter what I said, I would get in trouble. A lot of kids just shut fireball when they're afraid or overwhelmed. Ooh, and I hated when my parents made me look them in the eye. They only ever did it when I was in trouble. So even to this day, if someone tells me to look at them, I don't want to. I always advocate for never forcing a kid to make eye contact if they don't want to. And only encouraging it when it's for something good, like asking them to look at you so you can tell them you're really proud of them. But like, so much of the crap I got on trouble for as a kid that was me being "disrespectful" or "having an attitude" was actually just me being terrified and having no clue what to do
Reading the comments about how they weren’t treated this way as a kid makes me sad. I was fortunate to have a mom and supportive family during my ptsd as a kid. As an adult, I have the ability to say words to my peers like “sorry, my brain is shutting down. I need a few minutes” when I shutdown, and everyone just lets me take my 5 minute break to come back to reality. I’m evidence that it is better to treat a child kindly, because it will help them to be able to handle it into adulthood.
Yeah, the whole "don't force them to talk" is sooo important. When my PTSD goes haywire thinking is impossible. And so many people try to "help" by asking over and over again what is wrong. Like it didn't help the first time you asked, why do you think the fifth time will help? I need to just turn into a potato and calm down. Ground my feelings, distract myself, and just try to relax. Giving me a hug, putting on some music or a video that doesn't require thinking, or giving me a fidget is infinitely more helpful than trying to figure out what set my panic attack off. Because a lot of the time it was nothing in particular. Or nothing at all, but my brain deciding that right now is a great time to replay all the worst moments of my life on repeat.
I use to freeze as a kid all the time. Now at 45 and after looking into cps records. I find out that they all just thought I was “slow” I guess times have changed and signs of trauma are better known. Thank you for educating about these things. You’re helping build a more understanding empathetic world.
I think it's always important to let the child know you're not going to scream, shout or hit and that you don't hate them. Children who've been abused often blame themselves for what's happened and their reactions to triggering things.
My niece did this. Turns out it was raising your voice at her or saying dont. They were her triggers. Shes no longer triggered by those at least, and is starting to voice more and more the things she dislikes
You're so lovely and kind, I'm at the big age of 25 almost 26 but your videos are so soothing and comforting and, almost healing tbh. Love your content. ❤
You are truly the best keep doing what your doing.. I was in one of the 2 foster cares I was in as a child after my dad died my momma just broke down and they took us from her...one of the ladies that got me and my sister was soooo mean to us... our dad just died they took us from our momma and this lady was so mean... she would make me sleep away from my sissy on a couch with no blanket she was horribleto us.. then they found out all the stuff she was doing to us and 5he other kids and she could no longer be a faster parent. Then they placed us in another foster home and she was sooo sweet a few months later my mommy got us back...
I really like this video! Someone very important to me sometimes freezes and becomes nonverbal and I try to just be with them. A lot of the time they want me to hold them, so I'll just sit and hold them for however long it takes until they feel comfortable enough to speak and move again and are ready to do something else.
Your patience and compassion are inspirational. Thank you, as always, for fantastic and educational content that can help all people who are advocates, caretakers, and guardians of children
I am a freezer and anxious crier, and I remember at my worst, I literally wouldn't speak until that person went away which could take SO Long ... I was always taught that talking back to an authority figure was disrespectful. Saying something like "Go away" would be considered rude. (Even If I didnt yell It, and meant It genuinely) So I think a "Should I let you think about what you'd like to say? I'll come back In a moment" options should always be voiced, If the child Isn't In Immediate danger or need to be helped
The thing about patience is not waiting it out like you have to bc honestly you’re not in the mood and you’ve had a long day Its giving more than you have, even when you have none, like you have a limitless supply of patience bc thats what makes parents strong
As an adult I still freeze up sometimes. Especially when there is a male around. It does get embarrassing and I try to push through it. I’ve been getting better and I can feel safe knowing my husband won’t get mad at me to hit me if I do something wrong, drop something, or break something.
I froze and hid a lot as a child. My home life was actually pretty good - no abuse, but my father could be intimidating just because of a strong personality. I was one of those kids who said "no" a lot and my mother called me stubborn. I remember too, in 4th grade, being sent to stand in the hallway (HUMILIATING!) because I would not answer my teacher with some basic subject question. I knew the answer but just could not speak in front of the class. I was shy and withdrawn until I was 30 and had a friend who role modeled confidence and friendliness for me. So to relate to this video - it is NEVER a good idea to challenge or punish a child for being shy or fearful. Especially if you don't know the source of their reluctance. Laura is demonstrating gentle questions and great intuition to ferret out the real problem and address it calmly and slowly. This example involved possibly other people waiting but I'll bet most young kids will recover within a minute or two when you just give them some space, stop chattering and let them decide they don't want to be left out :)
“Do you want to walk like dinosaurs to the door?” Me, who also freezes, at almost 25: *nods with a whisper* yes, please. I'm sending this to my therapist and my friends.
I do this still as an adult, however when I get this I am like a rag doll I don’t respond at all nor later will I remember what happened around me while I am in that state, I usually dissociate when I freeze up, trying to shut myself out of this world. I remember my mom said I was very scary, like I was a literal rag doll she could talk to me, touch me, move any of my limbs and I would just not respond. When I come back from my fight or flight response It leaves a blank spot in my memories as I don’t recall anything.
thank you!! i take the normal state trainings here in California - i take the learnings and bring them to life the best I can based on my own experiences and the families I work with across the country!:) I'm glad they are helpful to you!
Subscribing because I hope to become a foster parent in the future and these tips are incredibly handy to know while taking care of a possibly abused child
I was an undiagnosed autistic child, and I froze up pretty often. Sometimes it was a shutdown, similar to a meltdown, but internal. It's when you reach such a point of overwhelm from something, often sensory but sometimes to do with emotional regulation, or maybe something not being how you expected and you can't process the change, or a bunch of other reasons. It often was accompanied by either a panic attack or heavy dissociation for me, sometimes both, and most of the time my throat would get so tight that it was pulling on my jaw and I couldn't speak, or I would be unable to translate my thoughts into words, or be having really bad alexithymia and not known what I was feeling except not good. I had some people who yelled at me for curling up and not speaking because they thought I was being disrespectful intentionally. Or some people who'd get really really hurt if I froze up in conflict because they thought I was ignoring them and didn't care how they felt. Or people who would try to force me to speak and explain what was going on and why I wasn't talking, sometimes out of frustration, but sometimes because they were panicking because I was panicking and they couldn't figure out what was wrong and would get increasingly upset the longer I was frozen. I've also had people guilt me for freezing by being really self depreciating and making untrue assumptions about why I'm reacting that way and what they must have done and how I think they're a terrible person when I don't and can't tell them how I actually feel or why I'm actually acting that way. For me, a lot of the time I just wish I could run and hide when I freeze, don't want anyone around because I don't trust them to help me. The few times I have had someone actually help me, they've stayed very calm and soothing, and sometimes just sitting with me in quiet helping me calm down, saying reassuring things like they're not mad at me, I'll be ok, I'm not in trouble, they'll help me, etc. Also helping me through breathing exercises, letting me rock or stim, getting me cold water and tissues (because crying can also set off sensory issues).
Ooooh god thank you! I was in really bad foster care and childrenshomes! When I froze I put myself on the floor and lied there. One time one of the adults kicked me to snap out. Then he shoved my to the side, because I was blocking the way for someone. I way called a wet sack of potatoes. I use your videos to learn how it could have been different. Maybe if one day I have a child I can do it more like you and not like them. ( I don't have children because I fear might be a bad mother and have too much trauma in me. )
I’m so sorry you went through such a terrible time in foster care. That you are studying what is right is the first step to being a good parent if and when you are ready.
Sometimes I just can't speak after some situations, like if I'm mad or sad, and having someone talk and maybe change the subject or telling jokes helps me
I wish somebody had taught me earlier that it's not just fight or flight, it's fight, flight, or freeze. That alone, would have made me feel more normal.
I once broke a glass and freezed. I sat there and watched somebody clean it up and the person got realy mad because he thought i was sitting there to control his work/watch if he does it right. Now i know it wasn't my fault. I just didn't know how to cope with the situation.
i know this video is old, but i’ve got bpd and cptsd (and some other stuff but those are the most relevant to my question) and im wondering if you’d ever consider doing a video like this and the fawn response one on kids who have a fight response, whether that be physical violence towards themselves or others or just general aggression when triggered. fight and freeze are my two most common responses personally and i don’t see a lot of people talking about how to best support someone who reacts aggressively to triggers
I normally react with fight but some scenarios especially with loud noises i freeze and start freaking out internally. If i drop something i cover my ears and freeze asweel and start shaking. Im 19 and my boyfriend helps so mich. if were in public he drags me away and hugs me and says things to calm me down
Listening is good. Questioning only teaches the child to make excuses and ultimately fosters the child to manipulate/go into a pretend freeze so they can get their way. Yes, all humans manipulate especially if they will get alone time with parent and special treatment.
When I freeze, I am physically incapable of speaking. It's called selective mutism, although I heard they're trying to change the terminology to better reflect it's involuntary nature. It's terrifying to want to say something, to have a million words pressing on your brain and lips, and not being able to open your mouth to speak. I don't say this lightly, because I lived through years of it, but I'd rather be beat than go through another moment of sobbing, trying and failing to open my own mouth. At least with abuse, it's someone else doing the bad thing to me. When it's in my own brain, I can't escape it. I wish I had someone who understood what was going on when I was younger. I still get frozen like that, but it happens less now that I'm an adult. The trigger is people yelling at me and, messed up as it is, it happens to adults a lot less frequently than it happens to kids.
What do you do with an adult who freezes? I never know what to do. We can’t just stop everything to figure out what the problem is if the person in question won’t respond to anything. I’m at a loss.
I want to know something though... how about your own child you've been with all their life and you really think they don't have trauma but of course you want to prevent trauma from happening and they have a response like this. How do you know it's serious vs something quasi silly like they just want to watch something on the computer but don't wanna say it for some reason? I'm not a parent but I'm asking because I think parents too need to learn so how do you learn? And children too learn how to navigate the world according to both the circumstances and their inner world so I winder can we really conclude every issue is a serious issue? So with all that in mind, how do I as a parent learn to be kind, compassionate, accomodating and helpful but at the same time build resilience in my child?
Wow this is really great because I’m that kid who shuts down or freezes when things get bad or if I’m scared. This is exactly how I wish people would respond. Thanks for the great post as always Laura! 🥰🤗
I spent my entire childhood in foster care. I am a senior citizen now and still feel the scars of the mistreatment I received. You are a wonderful foster parent and know how to make a little one feel safe. These kids as you know are so emotionally traumatized and need someone to reach out with kindness and understanding.
@@mattybrunolucaszeneresalas9072 well some people just don’t realize how much trauma affects a child because they haven’t been through it themselves. It takes patience to understand kids like this and some people will never fully understand that
I have PTSD and GAD with severe panick attacks. Alot of it is from my childhood. When my panick attacks get really bad I can literally lose the ability to speak. I freeze up and I can't process anything. I really wish my parents had treated me the way this lady is in these situations. Instead I'd get screamed at or hit for being "disrespectful" because I wasn't answering them and I couldn't explain to them that what they were doing was causing my brain and body to shut down. And the screaming just made it worse. Fun fact, screaming at a person to "Relax" while they're having a panick attack and hiding under a table, isn't going to make them relax.
Yeah, if someone is scared, panicked, etc, ordering them not to be doesn't help. I've had a doc do a similar thing and ugh, it sucked. As in I was told "Don't be scared, I do this all the time" followed up seconds later by "Why are you still scared, I told you not to be". Like yes, let me just turn off my PTSD because it's inconveniencing you. 🤦♂️
For me when my anxiety acts up I self talk I guide myself out of the intrusive thoughts and I tell myself “ You’re alive , you’re safe and you’re loved”
As someone with both autism and PTSD from trauma I can say there is quite a big overlap (at least for me). I wish my parents would have known these methods, but I am glad to hear they are so helpful to your child. Wishing you both the best.
Yes! I’m Autistic and ADHD, and I didn’t know that until recently, so I’ve done a lot of research. Autistic people actually do have a significantly higher rate of having PTSD than neurotypicals do. I love that this channel models such beautiful, respectful, sensitive ways of treating children, no matter where their needs stem from 🤍
@@LadyMuskratJamz What I hear a lot in the autism community is late diagnoses, parents not knowing how to handle their children and accedentally harming them with their parenting styles or turning abusive in a last resort to try and keep them in check, so that statistic doesn't surprise me at all. Not only parents btw but also teachers and other caretakers.
I'm a social worker who specializes in trauma (I don't work for CPS, but I've worked with a lot of kids who were placed outside of the home), and your content is fantastic! I hope more professionals and families (foster or not) get access to this information!
As an adult with the kind if trauma responses from childhood abuse- physical, emotional and SA- the “change the subject” type response you showed here is SO effective with me and with many adults and children I have worked with. Often whatever has caused us to freeze has done so because it’s so overwhelming it kind of short-circuits us, so trying to get out if that state by further thinking about, talking about it trying ti identify our feelings or what caused them while we are still in that state only makes it worse… But changing the subject- and specifically the example like you showed here- “I think I forgot to pack the chalk, do you remember?”- completely takes the focus off of us and our overwhelming feelings and thoughts, but without ignoring us. The idea that someone else needs my help (even if just about chalk or whatever) gets brain on a different track because it’s no longer focusing on myself. And being helpful and useful to others and seeing their appreciation really helps anyone struggling with anything. Yes, quiet down the space, acknowledge that you see they are reacting to something that maybe scared them or reminded them of something bad, reassure them that you aren’t upset with them, it’s not their fault, and they are safe. Ask them if they want to tell you what it is or talk about it, or if they would maybe rather do that later. If they respond later, or no response at all, say “ok, I’m not going to push you, but I am interested and you can come talk to me about whenever you feel comfortable. In the mean time can you help me with something I forgot/need to do/ etc.” The making clear that they can come back to this if they want to whenever they want- and following up at least once when you have time to talk with then in private without being rushed, is so important. Because many of us feel like there is no “right time” to bring up our trauma, that it’s never ok to talk about and, especially if we have had bad responses when trying to confide in others before, many people- children as much as adults- have internalized the idea that “no one wants to hear about it and I’ll lose this person, scare them away, if I try to bring it up.” But ya, asking them to help you with something is a fantastic way to break the “freeze” because it sets our mind on another track, and entirely safe one to focus on, and one we can feel good about.
Yep. Redirection and distractions are so helpful. I shared a RU-vid playlist with my partner of safe videos that are guaranteed to not trigger anything. Then she can just put it on the TV, a phone, whatever, and hug me.
For those of us who are learning to reparent ourselves as adults, these videos are super helpful! Laura models language and behaviors that have been unfathomable to me when my therapist asks me things like, "what do you wish you could do/tell younger you in this situation?" I feel like I freeze at that question less and less now.
It feels healing to watch you. It teaches me how to be the safe adult I need while at the same time makes me feel comforted to see how you try so hard to help those kids feel safe with you.
This, like all your others, are awesome!! Both as a therapist and a future foster parent (gonna specialize in teens!!), I see a good amount of resources out there for kids who go into fight or flight, but rarely are there resources about helping kids/clients who go into freeze or fawn. Which is hard because shutting down or fawning are extremely common responses when your abuser won't allow anything to be the right answer to the problem they're creating. Thank you!
@@BetteDavis19 Yup! I have a storied trauma history myself and fawn is a BIG response for me so it's wild when I have to educate my fellow therapists on it while trying to deal with it myself through therapy and limited resources on it.
@@anacoanagoldenflower YESSS I just explained to my therapist about fawning too lol, next time I'll try to look for someone who says they know more about that, it's a newer theory, I guess!
Never heard of freeze or fawn before, but now that I know what it is I realized that this is what I do. Particularly fawn when it has to do with other people being mad at me and freeze when I need something but I'm unable to communicate it (like, I need through here, please move. That one's hard for me.)
I am an adult with PTSD and OCD. Most of my life I've had the freeze response but I didn't knew what it was. As an adult my PTSD and OCD got worse and I had freeze responses very often, I started doing EMDR which is a psychotherapeutic technique and for the last couple of years I've barely had any freeze response so I extremely recommend it. If you have any questions do ask, I'll be glad to help 😊
@@luce3619 it's a technique that stimulates both sides of the brain with light touches in your hands to help you reprocess and release the "stored information". Our brains store everything, the good and the bad and this technique helps release the beliefs, patterns and behaviours that are negative to us but that once upon a time was used as a way to survive (like freeze response) and after releasing it you load a positive belief to replace the negative one. I've been practicing it for years with a licensed and trained psychologist, but I've also used it on my own (of course is not as deep as when aided by a professional, but it does help) when I get triggered or when I got freezed (waaaaaay back now) and it helped me tremendously.
I’m doing EMDR for depression. I see my therapist virtually, though. I either have to tap my shoulders, toss a ball between my hands, or use an online program where I follow dots on a screen back and forth from side to side. We’re still trying to figure out which method will work best for me. So far the online one seems to be affecting my thinking the most.
@@ErinLastNameRedacted that's great, I hope you find the best way for you. For me it's the shoulder touching, but if you are more visual probably the dot is a better idea. Best of luck with your treatment! 🫂 You can do it!
I love your videos. I'm raising my granddaughters and unlike riding a bike, everything doesn't come right back so fast. I finally realized what I've been doing wrong. I was trying to parent from the perspective of being a grandparent. I can't be Nan Nan. I have to be mom. Your videos help me stay calm. I'm so angry at my daughter for doing this to her daughters that sometimes that anger pops up in our everyday lives and the girls think that I'm angry at them. I've made a lot of progress on fixing that, but I still have a lot of work to do. Your videos and the lady who does the pleasant peasant/mama cusses videos are life savers. I know that you make these for foster parents, but I want you to know that you're helping others types of parents too. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
She helps bio parents too.. . I don't have chilsren, but maybe will have one. I'm not used to children; I absolutely don't know how kids "work" and have 0 instinct about how to handle them. Her videos are sooooo helpful!
Easy grounding exercise. "Can you look around the room and point out 10 things?" I would do this for a friend. Usually by 6 or 7 she's was asking if she could do duplicates, and I was cheering her on.
That probably works better against anxiety than overstimulation, because when I’m overstimulated the last thing I want is to have to focus on anything sensory and have to communicate about it, even nonverbally.
@@ragnkja I was thinking that way too, but turns out it actually does help me with overstimulation, because it gives me something to focus on in the chaos of stimuli, making it feel a little less chaotic and overwhelming. Might be worth a try to see if it works for you.
My heart melts - that’s the kindest way to help a child (and an adult of course adapted!) out of a freeze! I read from others that they are the adult - and I am, too. I wish more people would develop compassion and understanding for trauma responses. From you radiates so much compassion and understanding! A big thank you for making such great videos also helping us adults for ourselves!
I'm a grown up and I sometimes freeze. Was even in a hospital, but they found nothing, so it's probably just autism. It helps me when my fiance is there, waiting for me, hugging me, talking to me.
The children in your care must feel so safe around you. Ive been actively seeking out your videos and rewatching, because you make me feel calm and safe with the way you handle things. Thank you! Xx I appreciate what you do!!
This is beautiful. Even as an adult, i shut down as a trauma response and very few people understand. Thank you for being kind and educating yourself and others on these important topics
Thank you. I am a person, who can shut down and freeze sometimes. For me, it is part of my personality, I think, since I never endured traumatic childhood. I want to let you know, what helps me, because maybe it also might help some children: when I freeze, I want to move again, but I can't. But my brain can be tricked by something like giving me something to hold in my hand AND telling me to hold it. I will grip it before I realise that moving my fingers is also a movement. That helps me realise that I can move. The world feels really unreal to me in those situations and I strongly believe moving is neither possible nor safe then. Realising that I just did move something, my fingers, and nothing bad happened plus the weight and feel of a real object pulls my brain back to reality. Since I am rather far from reality in those situations, words don't really reach me. You might tell me, I am safe, but even if my brain was able to even catch the words, they don't mean much against the huuuuge feelings of fear and dread. Yeah, you say I am safe, but it doesn't feel that way. Because it's not about reality but about the place where my mind went. And that might not BE or feel safe. That's why I need pulling back to reality in a more basic way. This will not help every child, because people are all different. But maybe some children are like me and might find it useful.
I am sure all of this is good advice for foster parents but it's just also really really good ways to interact with children. Even our own children/grandchildren sometimes get scared or confused and may not have the language skills to process and verbalize why they're upset or even over what. Behaviors can be rooted in trauma and then sometimes they're just rooted in being a small child - a time of life when daily life events can overwhelm immature coping skills. You're doing a good work here in helping adults develop some of those tools to put in the "tool box" that people who deal with children need to have.
What I love most about these videos is whether the adult does the "perfect" response or not (each kid and trauma situation is so unique it can be somewhat hard to say what response helps them most especially if the child doesn't even know or can't clearly request it)...whether adult does "perfect" response or not, most important I think is the intent, feeling, energy, character behind it. If there's that genuine feeling of care, compassion, respect for rights and autonomy, and desire for the child to be healthy, happy, and feel safe (within what theyrecomfirtable with and pace their nervous system can do), allowing trust to take its time to build, a child can feel that love. On some level it well help heal and relax some layers in them. Same with adults or animals.
As someone who was in foster care + emotional trauma, this validates my feelings so much! Shutting down was my coping mechanism for so long. Seeing this is a blessing because now, I can help myself and others feel heard ❤️.
This is great info for how to handle anyone who has PTSD or trauma responses. As an adult who suddenly can't go into a store or make a phone call, it would be so awesome if people would speak with validation and acceptance instead of acting like I am just too lazy or selfish etc. Yes, my PTSD can appear selfish but it's not an active choice. As the world has sped up and everyone has filled their calendars to the max it seems many have forgotten about the human aspect and don't budget time for compassion. You're doing a wonderful job teaching others just how to be a decent human, all people esp parents can learn from you! 💞
My daughter recently taught a 4yo who gets berated for wetting his pants (not trauma related, just slow to potty train) that “it’s ok; it was an accident and accidents happen” He was instructing a 5yo who was trying to mock him, with those exact words. SCORE!
With my own son and a couple of children I worked with we referred to the feeling as being stuck. As in "I can see you have big feelings about that but are feeling stuck." Most common issues are feeling rushed, misunderstood, and overwhelmed (although scared makes a lot of sense when trauma is involved). So we need to back up and slow down. I remember my marriage counselor saying once you have activated fight/flight/freeze/fawn your body takes a good 20min to fully calm down. You might not need a full 20min to get a child calm enough to start gently communicating and making progress... but I am now mindful of how I handle the next 10-20 minutes as they probably aren't ready to explore what is behind the feelings.
I had my GGS yesterday. He suddenly just stopped. I let him do so. I asked him if he'd like come up in the chair in the chair with me holding out my arms. As he came up he just totally relaxed. He wanted to be held. He's 5, I don't care how old someone is. Everyone needs hugs. Not all can ask 4 one. Some hate to be touched or crowded. It's okay. Sometimes just saying "I care" are best words ever. I'll sit quietly or softly utter a story if it's going to help. Watching the clues. They're there. Best to you.
Thank you, Laura, for the work that you do. I just barely avoided the foster care system in my own childhood, but I strongly understand and empathize with troubled kids and have wanted to be a foster mom for ages. After the things I've been through it's very difficult to make me cry, but the loving compassion you demonstrate to these kids gets me in the feels every single time.
I was never in care but this definitely triggered something in my brain, I hope when I have kids I am able to validate their feelings and that they feel they can always come to me
I’m an adult who still freezes and this just warms my heart to know kids going through this still have good people in the world bless you for all you do 🕊❤️🙏🏻
Man, I love your videos but most of the time I can't bring myself to watch them cause I just don't want to be a big ball of emotion at 3 pm on a Thursday. As a mama I can't imagine any child going through this, feeling so traumatized at such a young age and all because some adults weren't ready for them. The strength you have to take these babies in and not completely fall apart after hearing their stories is just commendable.
I can so much relate to this. Im 31 but still get into freeze quiet often because of trauma. Thanks for sharing how you handle it. It helpes to see it from another perspective.
