This is a fascinating story. I am impressed with the ease with which you talk about personal issues such as breasts, menstruation and mood changes. It seems to me that your account of going on and off testosterone could be valuable to doctors in several related fields.
I just want to say that usually i cant sit through a long video of someone talking but the way you speak and your voice is just captivating. It also helps that you have amazing eyes and your smile is to die for.
wow. I don't know what has been said in other comments, but your videos are so refreshing because I see they are real and full of substance. it's exactly what I needed to hear. I really appreciate your ability to communicate your feelings and your insight is spot on. I admire your humility. I would love to hear more spiritual aspects of your journey... really anything you have said is quality and I feel honored to have even been able to contact you . I thought I was going to transition but didn't four years ago. I no longer live in despair and dysphoria about my body or my gender but it still everything still is confusing to me.
Thank you for this--your thoroughness, clarity, and story-telling ability definitely benefit your viewers. And isn't it interesting the malleability of the human body!
I appreciate these videos so much, they are just what I've been needing. Been struggling a lot with my gender and I don't honestly believe I'm trans, however I don't feel like I "fit" within any gender role and it's difficult and confusing. There are many parts of me that are male, but many female parts is well. I can't imagine making the decision to... pick, so to speak. I can't imagine trying to rewrite history, to some extent I feel like it's too late and I'll never be fully satisfied with myself if I don't change something inside of me. I wish I could just somehow be both and be accepting of my body and have others be accepting and understanding of my differences. Your videos have given me a lot of insight into the FtM lifestyle. I don't know if I'll ever be happy with my gender but hearing stories helps me get through my dizzying thoughts and emotions. Thank you.
I feel exactly the same. Not quite trans....though not male or female... Sometimes I feel like I have two souls in one body...instead of feeling like my soul doesn't match my body. if that makes sense.
Your videos are so insanely helpful.. I really appreciate you and your strength in sharing these stories. I've been wanting to take Testosterone solely for looking more masculine and deepening my voice.. And as disheartening as it is knowing I'd wouldn't be able to be as androgynous or as masculine as I'd like to be from taking it.. Like I'm glad I found this video because I wasn't able to find anything about starting and then stopping it. I guess I'm stuck looking how I do, I mean it seems the only thing that really stayed for you is your voice.. and that'd be insanely helpful for me, but.. It wouldn't really be worth taking it just to get a lower voice. I'm non-binary, but I'm constantly struggling with my looks, and my voice, I have NEVER had someone question my gender or refer to me as male when first meeting me.. I have to constantly say my pronouns and my gender... But there's NOTHING I can do about it besides taking testosterone. At least that's what I thought. But even if I take it, it seems like I'll just end back where I started eventually... Thanks for the video though. It's nice to at least know I don't have to waste my time.
+hellaciouslyrad Everyone reacts to T differently. As soon as I took T my menstrual cycle was gone, I had full on facial hair in 3 months. I wasnt emotional anymore. Nothing made me cry and nothing made me mad. etc etc.. Then again, I must have already had more T than most women because I would be taken as guy every now and then without even trying. I know that very feminine people post T take longer to have changes appear... I am actually considering stopping T because of my family. It sucks to have everyone around you support you except the people that you care about the most in your life. You just want T to change your voice tho ???
Sei Wot Naoh That just happens to be an important part of it. I want to be more masculine, and having facial hair is a completely neutral thing for me. I could do with or without. The voice is basically just my *first* concern though... because even if I can make myself look very masculine, as soon as I speak everyone starts calling me She, and Her, and it's very disheartening. I'm honestly relatively androgynous, I can pass as a really young cis boy if I try, but that's about it.. but if I speak they instantly refer to me with stereotypical feminine pronouns. I feel like overall having outside changes will make me feel a lot better, even though I don't want to get any surgery or anything.
As promised, I am back. I love this video, and even more, hearing what it is that you have to say. Not all of of us will transition, I still have a lot to question myself. I like to hear the honesty that comes from people, and you did this here. People need to hear all aspects of what a trans life entails, and even if someone physically transitions, it does not always offer a free pass to happiness. Hearing all the aspects of transition including detransition is real and it gives people like me comfort to see more sides of the story. I can see that even if I do not transition......we are all the same, and I do not have to feel like I am alone. ( .^_^. )
what's the next video called? has anyone ever told you that you're a great storyteller, btw? normally people dont have me for the whole video, let alone two back to back. also, has your voice remained deep, was it naturally deep, or? i have a pretty low voice for a female, and i've always thought i sounded masculine, even since i was a child, even though people tell me i don't. so like i've always been curious how deep my voice would be if i was a guy.
WOW! you have one of the most enjoyable videos on RU-vid!! Thank you so much for letting us in and sharing your life's journey. There is something about your confidence and androgynous look that really draw me in. In a non gender way. Like truly listening to your words and experiences without gender attached. (I hope that made sense) Anyways thank you again for sharing and can't wait for your next video. Subscribed!
i swear i could look in your eyes forever. you have the face of a cherub. my goodness! i hate to reduce this entire video to aesthetics, but i was so moved by your beauty. i need to go to bed, so i don't have time to watch a video of this length at the moment. however, as someone who is genderqueer as well, i will return and watch it in its entirety. sending you warm vibes.
Hi! I have never heard anyone speak on RU-vid about being off of T. Especially for a year and give details. I look forward to your next vlog. At this time I wonder if you gave T enough time. Maybe you would have learned more about your emotions, etc. over time. And then would have been able to work through some of the things you mentioned. Only the best for you. Anthony
I just watched your other video first on "why I quit testosterone" which I thought was good.. I think you express yourself very well, and I especially liked the other video about who we really are, our ideas of what should be, what really is,, I'm not saying like you did, of course, but I was very impressed.. I subscribed and will watch your others in the near future. Thanks for posting.
Wonderful video. I'm on the precipice of my own gender journey, and your insights and experiences are of great help. You also have a very nice way about you. Many thanks, and looking forward to hearing more from you!
impfish I'm very touched by your comment. You said so little, but you said so much. Were you an English major, by chance? I hope your gender journey turns out to be full of adventure.
Hey there. I just came out as trans* and am seriously considering starting T. However, I have a lot of things I'm trying to sort out... the whole gender thing is crazy. I look forward to your follow-up video & to hear about your experiences! Solidarity.
Emerson Rensink , gender indeed is a complicated cluster. Or a very simple cluster with complicated labels. Either way, I hope to help you find what you're looking for. Good work on the GMO front, btw.
Hi there...I'm a mom to 4 great kids. ..(boy 22, biy18, girl 17, boy 14). Its a huge long story. But my daughter came out as gay in october and 3 weeks ago told us that she believes she is transgender. I won't lie...I'm a bit freaked out. But I love my child completely and unconditionally...so right now I'm just trying to get educated.....knowledge is empowering and extremely comforting to me. I'm wondering...how old are you? Are your parents supportive? Did you think you were gay at first too, like my daughter? Ans most importantly. ...are you happy? Although you sound so mature and calming in your video....I can't help but wonder if you are sad. Good luck...I have subscribed and will keep watching..hugs
Heather Hanson I'm so glad you reached out. It is true that "being transgender" has become an increasingly popular trend inside the young lesbian community. It's difficult to know if some are just following the tide, or if they are "truly trans." However, I don't believe it's our job to screen them-to see if they're right, or if they're just confused. I'm afraid if you tell them they're "not transgender," they might feel pressure to prove you wrong, and thus make a premature decision. The best you can offer is complete support for their exploration (as every exploration of our human selves is worth it, and deserves understanding), so they won't feel pressure to make a decision one way or the other. If your child is not transgender, the difficulty of this path will deter them in time. If they are transgender, they really, really need you right now. Heck, they really need you right now anyway. Let this play out; let them reveal themselves to you (and find themselves, in the process). I am 26. I never came out to my parents as gay, because the word never seemed to quite fit. I knew myself to be male (in some sense) from a very early age, but never attempted to voice it. I came out as trans 4 years ago now. My parents were not supportive, and remain that way today. We have mostly lost contact. It's no doubt: this road is not easy. It's not for the thin-skinned, and those of us with no family support experience a lonelier path than others. I've spent years with the "why me?" syndrome, and often just wanted to be "normal." Only recently have I found happiness in my trial, and tried to make it mean something more than just..."I was born with a defect." This doesn't have to be an exclusively painful or lonely journey, and your support for your child right now can be that difference. I'm sorry I don't have more concrete advice to offer. I have never been a parent, and can only imagine how trying this is for you.
Wow you are insightful for your young age. Thank you for your advice....you put everything that i want to be for my child into words. I am glad that you found peace and are happy on your journey. I am quite sad for your parents. I see your videos and see a person who is confident and strong. I watched and found myself hoping that my child will have that same surety someday. Even the most open minded parents see their children with blinders on. Right now I am trying desperately to back up and see my daughter the way the rest of the world sees her....pretty awesome. No matter what gender she identifies with. Thanks for your response. I wish you nothing but happiness, love and strength in the future.
Heather Hanson Then you are indeed a good parent. If it helps (for you or your child), here is the video I made for my parents when I came out to them as trans. They had a negative reaction, of course, but I still think the video explains things in the best terms I could've used at the time. Maybe it will resonate with your child's current situation. I gave this to them on a DVD. Only afterward did I upload it to a remote corner of the Internet, to share with close friends when they asked. I feel very moved by your desire for knowledge, and that's all I meant for this video to be: a bridge between parent and child via knowledge. vimeo.com/26816599
Omg...thank you Emma Lee. That just brought tears to my eyes. I'm not perfect...still trying to grasp a hold of this whole thing and getting educated. But one thing is certain...I love my children completely and unconditionally. I have made mistakes....but mostly out of love....and I'm not afraid to admit to those mistakes. Sadly..im not convinced that my daughter sees me that way. She is struggling and takes a lot of her frustrations out on me...you know what they say about hurting those that are closest to you. Sometimes its hard...but I always try to see things her way....that helps me carry the load a little bit easier. For any parents out there. ...my first and most important step was to accept that this really doesn't have anything to do with me and my parenting etc...It's not my "fault"....that is the most important step for us parents...once you remove the guilt the rest is a whole lot easier. Still learning...still not perfect. Thanks again...its so nice to hear that. Hugs
OMG, you are sooooo Gorgeous!!!! This was an awsome and amazingly informative video. Thank You for sharing this with us. Best of luck to you on your new journey of self discovery. 🙏
I can relate to a lot of things that you're saying. Also about how you mentally felt while you were on T. I was on testosterone too for about a year and am now 5 months off of it. My eyebrows got thinner, my period came back, but that's really all I've noticed so far. I'm interested to see the video about why you went off of it, Also. Like many people commented below me I really have to say you are incredibly attractive. Take care.
Sascha M. Thank you for your audience. I have watched your video and find you to be well-spoken and introspective. I am interested to know why you went off the T as well.
I removed all of my videos but that one, because of people invading my privacy and spreading information about me on Facebook groups. But thank you. It was because of my identity changing from FTM to a more non binary/agendered state and I was becoming way too masculine and I didn't want anymore changes. So, that's mainly the reason why :)
wow very touching and sincere coming from the heart story telling! Im touched by your journey! Good luck to you whatever path you take in life! You seem to be a well adjusted kid, so hopefully, you wont have too much problem adjusting. I hope your family and loved ones are with you throughout your journey! Take care! Thanks for the video upload. Please keep us updated. YOU ARE SPECIAL, WHATEVER and WHOEVER YOU ARE AND WHATEVER and WHOEVER YOU WILL BECOME IN THE FUTURE! Stay positive!
Thanks for sharing! I hope you will upload the next video you mentioned in this one - it would be very interesting to hear about your reasons to get off from testosterone.
I'm actually genderfluid (identify as both male and female) and my spouse is also nonbinary, but identifies more as Agender. I was curious about my level of discomfort as female (dysphoria) and wanted to know if testosterone therapy might relieve this and what happens if I change my mind. I am curious abut when the voice changes back too because I sing, but I am worried that doing this would just move me from one type of discomfort into another type f discomfort. I've often wondered if the answer for me would be top (but not bottom) surgery. I guess you can't really give me these answers but we appreciate your bravery and this video. Being informed can help in many ways. So thank you!
Gene W. Identity is such an ongoing process, isn't it? By the way, I see that you like Japanese culture. Do you speak any of the language? I was fluent about a year ago; I should really brush up.
BluntedFSharps Yes, it definitely is. But it seems there's a more comfortable point we can find in our own identities that we can rest at, making only minor changes, which is always relaxing to consider. I only know a few words here and there, haha. I wish I knew more, but I don't have as much time to learn. My priority is learning Cantonese because it's the language my gf's family speaks.
Gene W. Cantonese were also written in traditional Chinese characters just that the pronunciation and some expressions will be very different :) I am a Taiwanese and I speak Chinese and Taiwanese and a lil Cantonese because the basic concept is pretty similar lol I think Mainland China is the only country that uses the simplified Chinese characters, but at the same time, it is used pretty widely in western countries since it's easier to write. However, I have to clarify that traditional Chinese characters are the ones that are real Chinese, not those which were simplified because once u simplify them, their true meanings were already gone, they became drawings instead of a language!!
Perfect. Now I have a crush on some youtube guy I've never met. Ok - let's get serious now ;) thanks for sharing your experience. I didn't even start with T yet, but probably will in about a year. People who talk about detransitioning help me a lot to see what could be my future. I define as genderqueer, so I'll never pass as my gender anyway - the question for me is now, from which side I want to be misgendered. Looking forward to your next video!
dasMaiki, I find it interesting that you may never pass as your gender, because genderqueer, third gender, gender other, non-gender, bi-gender, etc. is not a part of our society's vocabulary. How much our words define our parameters... It's amazing. The term "detransitioning" bothers me a little, though I know it's a word befitting for some folks when they decide to quit T. Detransitioning seems to indicate that I am reversing a previous transition. I plan to talk about that word in a later video. Thanks for the youtube love
+BluntedFSharps hey love ,you are courageous and beautifully designed for the whole world to see you are humble unbiased and honest. . don't ever stop being you the only weirdos are those who don't recognize beauty. Peace.
Oh also I thought your descriptions of what happened when you went off Testoterone, in this video, were interesting, since I am new to understanding exactly what happens when you go on it.. Certainly the stamina aspect sounds wonderful. I would hate to give that up. Still the opposing situation also has its benefits as you pointed out, the perceived ability to feel, I guess is what you were saying... wish I could watch more today but I need to get off computer, Best to you.
To be on injections to complete the transition to LOOK the part comes with serious harm to the body. From your video (well done and truthful), is another difficult decision. I'm glad you made this for others that might be in the same predicament and need some guidance. You are magnificent and brave. You are not alone. Be happy and healthy is the key.
Hi. I have a lot of complex feelings, both about gender and sexuality, and I've spent the last few years trying to put so many labels on myself and NONE of them fit. Every time I make a decision something happens which makes me doubt it all over again. I've come to realise recently that I don't WANT to be put into a box or put a label on myself. I really wish that the world would just be completely gender neutral so that pronouns, names and stereotypes wouldn't really matter anymore.. sorry haha. I was just wondering what your thoughts on gender/sexuality are. But if they're going in your next video anyway don't worry. But thank you for this video. It was really inspiring and I've come to realise there are a lot more choices.
crazi4yu I can empathize with your disdain for labels. I too wish that gender mattered so little that we didn't need therapy, surgery, vlogs, marches, suicide prevention measures, and days for remember hate crime victims. I will discuss some of my personal views in the next video. Thanks for your comment
It's curious, I definitely can't cry since testosterone injections hit my system. However, I am so calm, right now, I've never felt this kind of 'chilled' emotions before.And I don't get angry or I get angry way less. Are you concidering going back on t? I was off for a month and I felt horrible
Emilijus Sebastianas Why did you feel horrible when you went off the T? I remember feeling off-kilter for a few weeks after quitting. I suppose the estrogen was reestablishing itself in my system.
It was more mental than physical I suppose. I felt insecure and alienated. And then after a month or two I hit my muscle with a Nebido injection and felt like a fucking gladiator straight away, in a snap
You're absolutely handsome and beautiful in every way. I really enjoyed your video and support you with whatever decision you make, as long as you're happy, that's the most important :). (I forgot to say the following) Edit: I can't really relate to all the things you're talking about (the testosterone) because I don't "suffer from" gender identity dysphoria, but as a female, I have been through a certain phase in my life where I thought being someone else (a boy or anything like that) could help me ease all the pain I felt at certain times (so I acted more like one, to others of course I was still a girl). I often wonder if it was just because I love women in particular, even though I don't consider myself as a lesbian, because people are people to me, and I don't feel comfortable with labels at all et cetera. I think the feeling of not fitting in anywhere just hurts us the most and in that way I can relate, often this is one of the only reasons why we change ourselves (without wanting to generalize here), in order to get some acceptance, (because people like stereotyping and if you don't belong anywhere "you're out".). If I may be curious. Do you have/had the feeling you had to change yourself FOR yourself (in the end), or because of the fact that people don't see you as how you see yourself? And if people would see YOU as how you see yourself, would you still feel the urge to change your physical self? How is that for you? Excuse me for the lack of structure in my comment.
thank you for sharing your video. i really want to start T soon, i just havent found a doctor yet, and still dont know much about it. youre a very handsome guy
I enjoyed your video, it was very interesting and I'd like to hear more in the future. As for my story, it is really just beginning. I have started the surprisingly long journey to begin taking testosterone just recently. I am constantly amazed to hear of the subtle changes our hormones can have on our reactions to things and people- it raises interesting questions about personality and nature. With that said, I'm pretty afraid of seeing changes in myself when I start testosterone. I have a (perhaps irrational) fear of losing myself and becoming somebody that the current me wouldn't like. Again, I'd like to hear more about the emotional changes that you went through on testosterone, perhaps to get an idea of what I'm in for. Take care.
ClockworkRobot100 , I had a similar fear, and it wasn't entirely irrational. But perhaps we don't so much "lose ourselves" as we do "become different selves." Some people say they are "becoming themselves," and their old selves weren't really true. I guess the important question is: are we okay with what we've become? Are we still good people when we change? Tough questions. My next video focuses a lot on the concept of "becoming," and what that really means. I hope you'll keep me updated on your journey as I continue to share mine. Much luck to you.
Wow, thank you for posting this video. I've always wanted to know what will happen If I have T and then stop it. I love your eyes btw ^^ very beautiful, I fall for them at first sight~
Hello. I love hearing many perspectives and am looking forward to your story which is not very common. You appear to be frank and insightful. I will be transitioning starting June of this year for top surgery. I have yet to take testosterone or take any other measures. Thank you for sharing and look forward to a little exchange if possible.
I would love to chat with you about testosterone and your upcoming surgery, Promise4U123. Send me a private message on my About page if you have any specific questions before my next video comes out. Thanks for watching
Hi Jonah. I saw both your videos and I have several questions to ask of you. It'd make a lot more sense to maybe do this over a chat, and if you're ok with that, then it'd be really great. Just in case you're not comfortable doing that I'm gonna ask you what I can think of here. First, I'd like to thank you, a lot, for posting your videos. Things like GID are so much into shadows, even in the minds of people dealing with it directly that any and every discussion helps. My question to you is that when you started on testosterone, like I'm thinking of doing right now, what were your expectations? Like, in my case, I sit around visualizing all these changes on me, and the whole 'cons' part of taking shots kind of seems insignificant to having all of these things happen for real with me. But I am a little doubtful, especially after watching your video, I feel like I might end up arguing the same things against myself, that are you really doing this just for the sake of a pronoun? So, well, while it may not really possible to be 100% sure for everyone, discussing does help. My second question is, well, once you went off them, didn't you miss those changes at all? Finally, is getting off T really worth being called a 'she' in public? Thanks, you're doing a great job!
King Every discussion helps. You're so right. To answer your first question) Before I began testosterone, I used to sit around and visualize bumping into girls I had liked in the past, and them seeing me AS ME for the first time ever, and finding me more attractive with a male physique and facial hair. That did indeed happen, but it felt ingenuine, and I came to realize the REAL ME was me without any added substance-au naturel. I expected to become a new and improved version of myself, but my expectations were unrealistic. The T ended up decreasing my confidence and I ended up missing my face. I feel more attractive and confident as myself in my natural state, without the injections. For your second question) I have missed my strength and endurance the most, but I've had to make up for those things by going to the gym, running, staying active, and eating well. I have not missed the oily skin, acne, coarse hair, different body smell, and body hair that came with testosterone. Granted, there's nothing inherently bad about those qualities, and I WOULD have gotten used to them had I stayed on the T. Third question) I am not called a "she" in public but MAYBE once a month. I am sure most people are confused about what to call me, and then decide on "he" once I open my mouth. My deep voice will never go away, and will aid me in "passing" (whatever the heck that's supposed to mean) for the rest of my life. Learning to deal with that one time a month has absolutely been worth it. Not caring what others think has been its own test, and a very valuable lesson.
In a sincere way, I look up to you. You're a brave soul. I have a few questions though. When you started taking T, did it feel right? Or did you feel like you were just starting something new? ORR will these questions lead on in the next video? I'm subscribing either way. I want to know your side.
Cori Arview When I started T, it felt like the realization of a dream I'd been dreaming my entire life. It felt exciting and terrifying. And I had hope that it would mean congruence. But as you said, I will touch on these things in my next vid. Thanks for your comment.
I want to know that since you've quit T, do you experience any joint/bone pains? I've heard something about quitting hormones will have an adverse effect on your bones. I want to start T soon.
Cóz X I still have very light hair growth on my face, and I shave about once a month. Clitoral growth (in terms of length only) has also remained. I also still pass as male the vast majority of the time, so perhaps there is some masculine quality left in my face or body that I cannot see myself.
I LOVE MJ! Nice poster in the back. I also ID more as genderfluid. PS you look like Peter Pan or some shit and its making me really jealous. Peace and love
I think you're brave to talk about such personal & sensitive subjects. You look androgynous now, if you don't mind my saying. I mean it as a compliment. I want to catch up on your other videos. Btw I'm not trans but I am gay & mix in the LGBT community & have trans friends.
No, it doesn't. That's why male to female trans women have to train their voice to be feminine, because the voice changes due to testosterone are irreversible.
Great video! I am cis female pansexual.. I look forward to hearing about your beliefs regarding gender, sexuality and everything in between.. And I have to agree with the comment below.. Your very attractive.. Have a beautiful day!!
+Monkeyybooy She is beautiful and that is fact! I am 43 and find her very attractive. We women love beauty and she is just that...so why do you feel confused? lol Trust me you will find so many women that are so great looking you cant take your eyes off of them but there is no one would make me want to be sexual with them. You are fine! lol
Im a pseudo hermaphrodite on T. I have to take it because my body produces less than yours and my bones are fragile from never producing enough T. A female dose of testosterone when your older,like after 23 (no hurry though)when it drops off suddenly for females might save you from later bone problems,which when your older or any age really suck.
I really enjoyed your video, I as we'll feel gender less. But sometimes, I just rather just let my self know what I stand for. Than explain to everyone what I feel, and what I believe. I guess only the people who truly know me will get to see my real image.
I have a curiosity about Female to Male trans. Don't get me wrong on anything I say here. Im not a trans, but a very vibrant (about to be 30) bisexual. I am curious because at a young age my, now ex, stepfather went through these changes between my ages of 7 and 18. My mother had just come out as gay to me and my younger (by a year and 12 hours) brother when I was 5. Then we introduced her girlfriend and her 3 sons in to our lives. I remember seeing the changes and even helping her wrap her chest on day when he was running late and my mother was not home ( I was the only girl). I can tell someone everything there is to tell about my experience through this, but I can not tell someone about his side of it all. I am interested in what you are putting out here for us to see. I have always wanted to know what it was (is) like on the other side of this and if she ever thought of changing her mind. I just want to say thank you! I went through all this when you had to keep your mouth shut about it, I was not even allowed to let others know my mom was gay. Thank you early 90's. But thank you for putting what you went through out here for us to see and understand.
about the anger issues and not being as emotional (crying), i think it depends on what brand of t you take, me for example were really cold before t and now i think everything about animals and cartoons(for kids) are cute, and get teared eyes if someone tells me a sad story(about kids or animals). i am more happy and confident now then before t, only times i am moody is around when i take my shoot(before and after) i take nebido(10 weeks between every shoot) and other ppl that take nebido, seem to change a lot like me. we also get a beard faster, and the monthly cycle stops for most of us who take nebido after a month (like myself). But maybe i am wrong it can be genes too because the ppl who take nebido is uk and Scandinavian, so maybe we change different, even if we had taken same brands as the ppl in america.
***** I heard there was something called a laryngoplasty that many MTFs do to feminize their voice, I don't know how effective this surgery is. If it does work on an MTF wouldnt it work on a detransitioing FTM (FTMTF) to regain somewhat of a feminine voice