Self love is important for everyone its postive way and it's not narrastic either way and there ignorant people they want attention they can't stand to be with someone else lol lmaf. Awww did wrong things first and then talking about it they want a reaction from Maria mistretta and she don't give a shit about it either way of their manipulation she said no to bullies abusers behavior and doesn't torolate it for real life relationship not stress or anxiety or something like that either way but they don't have time for childish behavior ingore them and they just saying that online dating sites are untrustable because they really are immature people online who are not cool either way. So dont believe in herself and she is enough.
When i was setting boundaries with my ex husband he said, "your being all about you you you. Why does every single thing have to go your way?" I replied, "if you want to communicate with me, there is behavior i will accept and behavior i won't tolerate. If you cant meet my standards then you cant communicate with me period. I have healthy boundaries." He interrupts and yells "what about MY boundaries." I responded so effortlessly that it boosted my self confidence. I said, "i called you to talk. So you are gonna need to listen or i am gonna just hang up. I refuse to argue. And after im done telling you my boundaries, you can tell me yours." Needless to say...he forgot to tell me about his "healthy boundaries" because it was only him trying to manipulate me in the first place. Lol!!!
Your words brought me to tears. I'm 40yrs old and lots of my family blamed me for tearing the family apart for speaking out on an uncle molesting me. And just now I know that I should of had boundaries
Being molested or any kind of sexual or child abuse - the responsibility of those behaviours are in the hands if the abuser. The child being abused is innocent - even if he or she did not say "no" the abuser it does not make the victim responsible for the actions if the abuser in anyway. In fact the power and control is in the hands of the abuser.
I am 58 years old and I feel like a child in Kindergarten, ‘getting’ this for the very first time. You make it sound so easy... And how I appreciate the anecdotes, the specific examples and the step-by-step ‘how to’ tips. I feel like weeping. For the first time in my life, I know what my biggest issue is (setting boundaries) and I have a clear plan for getting healthy. It’s going to take me some time to even figure out what my boundaries ARE but I am ready to love myself enough to put in the work to get healthy. God bless you for sharing this. It almost feels like you are right here in my living room...🙏💕
Constantly breaking anyones boundaries also cause anger ,sadness as SL described.. so works both way..that's why I'm always respecting another person boundary as well as I expect for mine to be..and vindictive behavior can be caused from many reasons, injustice or simple jealousy ,that works both way too...relationships are both way street I hear this a lot..so life is also.
Yes, Prepare for people not wanting you to change for the better. They don't want you getting stronger and happier. They show their true colors and it makes it easier to stand firm for ourselves 👍
That is maybe because they're not used to it. However, there is a *very* important point missing in this video and that is: you need to set boundaries that respect yourself but *also* respect the boundaries of others! This is a given because otherwise you're just a selfish d***head... The people who are still vindictive then are to be dismissed imediately. But most people will actually respect it back.
Setting boundaries (and enforcing them!) is something that for me, a 66 year-old man who has gone this far in his life as a people-pleasing co-dependent, is new and Needed. What you said about the individual and people in his or her life described me. This will be a gradual but steady process on my part. What's done is past and done, but I have ghe rest of my life to look forward to. Thank you for your advice. Kim Kalar
Love to see someone your age learning and improving yourself. Im 27 male but i feel trapped in my own mind because im a people pleaser and everyone keeps taking advantage of me
Thank you! Now I know what they were trying to do, before I was just half aware of their schemes, and I was almost lost and depressed. You saved my life.
Nicole Romero Thank you so much! I’m trying to figure out what my audience really wants from me… There are a few things in the works and I will share them with you guys once they are 100% ready to go. Thank you so much for your comment though!
Faye Wareing Hi! So if you have allowed your boundaries to be violated by someone time and time again the way to start enforcing them is to just start enforcing them. I know that sounds really simple but the reality is you can always start right now where you are. There is nothing specific that you have to do you just have to be really consistent going forward to show this person what your boundaries are and if they continue to violate your boundaries there has to be a consequence and enforcing the consequence. Following through with what you say you’re going to do is so important now. If this person has been in your life for a while and they have become accustom to being able to violate you and your boundaries then this will take time on both of your parts… on your part to be consistent with enforcing boundaries and on their part to get used to the new you. It will take them time to realize that you will no longer tolerate their behavior.
@@StephanieLynCoaching You cannot even fathom how useful, poignant, and profound your reply to the original poster's comment is for me. I am sending you the deepest, most sincere gratitude. Despite this being a year after the fact. Man. It reaches. Thank you
Great follow up comment from the presenter 👍 Setting boundaries for ourselves is very much like raising a child. Parents have to be disciplined and accountable to stay consistent with keeping their childrens boundaries enforced as well as choose appropriate consequences when violated. We must apply these same parenting skills to ourselves 💗
Point by point I connected with what you are saying. I am learning that setting boundaries builds self worth & self esteem, feels great. Not sometimes easy but well worth it. I can see where in dating these things are very important. Thank you Stephanie
Capricorn Man Setting boundaries and being able to enforce them is very self empowering and it is showing your SELF that you come first. That you can take care of yourself and stand up for yourself. All very good things to increase your self-worth and self-esteem.
I started cleaning house after divorcing a narc husband. My self confidence soared after that and I ceased contact with 'friends' who I realised were just the same, who would use me and then ignore me. The same with family. It's been a four year journey, but I am now at peace and do not allow people like that into my life any longer. I felt very guilty at first, but now I know that my actions were right.
angh642 I am the same. Got away from my long time narc boyfriend for 3 years already.. I was surprised to know lots of my friends by that times were just like him, using me and ignored me, said cruel things to me whenever they pleased.. I'm totally free from those type of people now.. feel so good
When I mention something new and interesting in my life to my old friends, they never ask me about those things. They never ask me how that's going. They have a boxed vision of who I am and where my place is. They never acknowledge the good things that happen to me, because, they don't want to believe it. They always have the right answer and if you don't agree, they tell other monkeys all the bad, made up things about me, but, never the good things. They skip right over any joy you have found.
Hello Stephanie , I'm going thru a divorce after 28 years of marriage . We have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren . My oldest daughter is just like her mother very toxic , my son sides with his mom my youngest is more my personality. Just tody I texted my son about his fiance coming into the house without acknowledging me . His fiance has been hanging around with my ex wife , I'm sure you get the picture . I texted my son and explained to him that his fiance was disrespectful and that I wasn't going to accept that from anyone . I told him that we need to talk and clarify this negativity . He didn't respond to my text . I'm learning to love myself again and being firm on my boundaries . Thank you so much for your time and consideration for others . I appreciate you very much .
Bianca Pacheco Yay!! I have my own playlists as well! It’s always good to listen to positive information. Keep dumping that stuff and then eventually something will stick. All the best!
This is a great video Stephanie Lyn, I always struggle and could not find what is right and what is wrong. I was always in stage of doubt.As I always wanted to make other people happy so when I stood up and try a better understanding,.Cannot tell you how much effort I put to start learning about these stuff. I used to seek confirmation from others despite the fact that deep down in my heart knowing somethings was not right and I did the right thing to walk away and set my boundaries. Sometimes the cost was high, ending to losing what I was thinking love.You know how many years it costed me for redefining and understanding these stuff. I thought I should write down this under your video, please keep continuing this. The impact you create from making these stuff available for people for free is great and it is not measurable. I am still learning and seeking for growth.i found your summarisation is so valuable, someone need to go through the pain to understand fully what you are saying. Thank you Thank you
Love! Love! Love! Thank you for this incredible video! I am a "recovering" people pleaser, setting healthy boundaries and standing by them! It feels amazing!! Your videos are so informative, thank you!
Some people think they are using boundaries when they are actually walls. Pia melody discusses this in her books and videos. It's difficult to understand each other sometimes. It can take good critical thinking and complex thought skills. I think temperament and the subtle differences in values is good to understand. The book please understand me discusses this. Working through issues can be difficult. Bradshaws fair fighting rules are great. Abusers and ignorant people evade and divert and deflect with the heavy use of logical fallacies. It's a good way to understand how someone is not in reality. You can't have intimacy with people who aren't in reality. It's painful when it's someone close to you and you can't work things out. John gottman discusses this and also harville hendrix. I've noticed in my family people not understanding boundaries and thinking they are setting a boundary when it is actually rigid and inappropriate. They abuse and then evade, divert, deflect from the subject. They don't seem to know that they lack empathy. For example you will be discussing something and they will globally label you in a hurtful way and it will be missatuned or a misunderstanding and you try to discuss it and they go to darvo. Deny, attack, reverse, victim, offender. When I tell someone what I perceive, think and feel I want to hear them do the same and really try to listen. Seek truth and find meaning together. It is a social norm to text sometimes. To rigidly expect no texting might be seen as rigid and controlling. It can be seen as dominating. You want someone who is flexible and moderate. For example, if you say I don't want so much texting, which sounds moderate, and they text you and you respond as if you meant no texting at all, they could see you as difficult and we want to listen to see if their thoughts and feelings are valid. If someone thinks you are setting strict rules, it could come across as if you are in a fantasy world and center stage and they're minor players. It's not pleasant for someone to counter everything you say, and in fact it is what abusers or confused people can do. But I want my loved ones to feel comfortable to disagree and respect their rights to be heard. The "I really wanted to hear from you on the phone this time" after telling someone ambiguously that you prefer less texting, could sound like you expect them to read your mind (cognitive distortion and sign of problem psychic boundaries) and disappointed when they don't behave the way your idea of the ideal person should. Like a director of the players on your stage. I don't know if I would rush to judgement or jump to conclusions that someone is testing. Abusers rush to judgement and jump to conclusions with poor communication. If someone thinks I am conceited or arrogant, I want to hear the data and their point of view. And self reflect. Work through the issue. Not an authoritarian dictator. Overall though I really appreciate your videos which are inspiring and important for us to expect to be treated with dignity and respect. I just don't know about ordering a person to call and not text. People might not like it and not tell you.
While I would normally agree if they respected you these type of conversations wouldn't be a problem to have a conversation and say hey, that was not cool, clear violation of boundaries.
Doesn't like confrontation, codependency issue, people pleaser attract unhealthy relationships. Know your standards in relationship as what respect is, if ppl have to be honest,. Feelings when boundary is violated-Anger, frustration and disappointment. Practice self love and talk calmly and say that "what you did is right and this is how I feel and it's not acceptable". Stating boundaries: beginning of the relationship is the easiest. If boundaries are violated, come from self loving, confident place and express what's expected. Let go of people who would drop off. Let new healthy relationships would replace them. Narcissistic, manipulative people give backlash. Stand your ground though it's tough to enforce boundaries. Know that their backlash is not about you, don't feel guilty. That's just the part of their manipulation.
Stephanie Lyn Coaching very true. Because of both my ex wifes being toxic I have been working on myself for almost 3 years now and recently started going to college for psychology I am going to become a clinical psychologist with emphisis in A.B.A, Personality disorders and trauma
Dear Stephanie, I dont usually do that, but thank you for these videos, apart from the fact that I would love to have you as a friend, the style you have explaining yourself makes you such a beautiful woman! I hope through my profession people observe me like that as well! May you have a good life
I attracted so many toxic relationships with weak boundaries and a lack of self love. My inner critic was telling me I was undeserving unless I gave people more than they gave me back. I was a huge people pleaser as that kept me “safe” in my family of origin. It was exhausting, and became painful when I began jumping from one toxic relationship to another, not knowing why. Now I am okay with letting people go, by offering forgiveness first & opening space for purposeful relationships that meet MY needs. Getting clear on my relationship standards & taking an inventory of my friends is so important.
I love love this video. I am a new grad nurse and I wanted to take a vacation after graduating in January. A lot of things happened after my graduation. I took the boards twice. I passed on the second try. I was supposed to go to Italy in March for my birthday and as a graduation gift but unfortunately I did not pass my first try so I cancelled my trip to Italy to study for the boards. Now, that I passed I have been doing over times at work. I recently, had. a job offer to a cardiac unit here in SoCal. I thought of taking a vacation before October because it takes over a year to accumulate Paid Time Off. I mentioned to my friend that I normally travel with that I want to take a vacation. She said she wants to join. I told her I am not sure because as a new grad nurse there are so many classes I need to take before I start, I don't wanna make plans then my manager would ask for me to take certain classed and what if im out of the country. I also have a temporary job i'm starting in first week of July. As a new grad, the orientation will be intense especially I did not have enough clinical experience because of the pandemic there are so many to learn. My friend is thorough when it comes to traveling. She has timelines with the itineraries from the moment we wake up until we go home. I feel overwhelmed just thinking of planning with someone to go to Europe. I just want a spontaneous trip. I cannot plan in detailed like her. I don't have a PTO yet and she does. One time she suggested to take a longer and I could not say "NO". She started getting upset by saying 12 days is not enough for me. Eventually, I said yes regardless of me not having a PTO from work. I became unhappy towards the end of the trip. So now, I am planning for another one and she would like to join I told her I am not planning to invite this time because I just wanna stay on the dates I want and I only wanna go to places I wanna go to. She already took off. When I said "NO" she started telling me harsh words that I feel like I am a perfect person. She told me when I talk I bark like a dog. She kept on and on and on. I realized and I told her I need to change my attitude of always saying "Yes" just to appease people because this is wrong at the end i became resentful. I decided last week to learn how to say "NO". She cut me off. Thank you for saying DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. If ever I am able to have a vacation this September I just wanna rest and not think of others. Self care and self love. I got tired of taking care of others like talking to the hotel front desk while my friend is taking a selfie and videos. Thank you again 🤍
I have a coworker who constantly testing my boundaries. First I get mad, then I wait to calm down before confronting him. It falls on deaf ears. So is it wrong if I push one of his buttons to show his actions have consequences?
I’ve seen several of your videos and they’ve all been helpful but this one is especially! I wasn’t sure how to tell people what isn’t appropriate, and also to keep calm within yourself and not be angry. I’m going to be a mom soon and I’ve had lots of trouble with my borderline mom, and narcissistic MIL. I’m not hopeless about it anymore. Thank you so much😊🙏
The lessons repeat until we learn them! Once we have learned the lesson, those people will either change their behaviors toward you, or they will disappear from your life altogether!
Awesome empowering video. I have been frustrated not knowing how to set that boundary. I'm going to be respectful and not angry when I set my boundaries. I'm going to guard my heart and maintain my happiness, confidence and peace. I was ready to go there and would have burned some bridges.
As you grow older and look back and what you recall is belittlement ,constant demeaning comments, hateful words , physical violence , etc ..It will be very clear why these people are no longer in your life. Once you pick up a hot frying pan ...You know better than to do this again.This really bothers the haters ..
Unbelievable. After a two year long (intense, daily) search for some semblance of healthy parenting advice, the life-changing video that rocks my world has nothing to do with parenting whatsoever. And yet I now know exactly how to parent my children properly. Where has this video been all my life? THANK YOU.
I listen to a lot of what is said, sometime it's hard to receive what is said because I feel like I am in an echo chamber, lots of reverberating thoughts. I try to analyze what I am hearing, and I have come to the conclusion that what you mean by loving oneself, is practically engaging one's will. A passive will is dangerous, that I understand, because others that detect such in a person, are quick to victimize them, and the one with the passive will is wont to defend against such. Healthy self regard is not just being out there to be trampled on by others, but developing a conscientious awareness of one's surroundings at all times, taking nothing for granted, and being honest with oneself about one's feelings, thoughts, attitudes towards others in the local environment. If that is what you are promoting, I think I get it, and thank you for your help. I find you easy to listen to, and your insights have helped me to deal with my stuff. Broke free from a very negative relationship over the last year, and am feeling a whole lot better off for it.
Thank you so much again (, I've been processing again after my break up of 12 years, my trauma was 12 years ago , i met him before it, he'd been through alot with me ,in the way of recovery , yet hasn't been going good, I needed to move out of his place again. ) & With Boundaries & Standing my ground with setting boundaries, my family over the years they haven't saw this boundary setting as healthy , but as isolating , & being paranoid , its been hard , but I needed to make the changes , my life after trauma & PTSD, naturally took a different direction, as I processed what had happened
Thanks steph! Yor job is amazing! I also ad another rule for me: don't open up to much whit everybody and explain everything to other people, its OK to keep things for myself, no one have to know everything about my life and what I'm going trough! And that rule save me from a lot of troubles!. Thanks again, sorry for my English i still learning!.
This is me so much at the moment. I'm so anxious and am scared of upsetting people if I defend myself but listened to this and it totally makes sense. Now the hard part... Putting it into action... I'm going to have a good damn go though. Thank you Stephanie
I always used to make excuses for other people- I used to do that A LOT. Even now, I do it. Less than before, but I still do it. Sometimes, it is not fully conscious.
This has to be the most important video I've ever watched.. I needed this in so many ways and I'm going to start setting boundaries immediately. Thank you so much for making these videos. I don't know if you realize how extremely helpful these videos you make really are for people who feel stuck and can't get help.
I Love to talk about such things, you are a true human being. You don't need to care about the people who hate you, you can throw them in the list of ignorance, in your mind.
It is a happy place to be and a self-loving place when you do not let anyone ruin your vibe. It is a practice though but you have to care more about your own happiness then about living in fear and letting others abuse you.
I'll test this on a cardiologist I'm going to be seeing. Recently there was a person in my life who began gaslighting me. I ended the "relationship" by blocking her contact. She wanted me to tell her what she'd done, she wanted to create some drama connection, or something. She is a narcissist. I took responsibility by saying, "I don't do drama. It's me, and its how I am now. I've changed." The End. Thank you for sharing.
The thing that i learned is Describe Explain Assert Reinforce Mindfulness Assertiveness Negotiate that is what i have to use to set boundaries and sometimes there is no negotiating with what they did
It's not easy to learn how to set boubndaries and not feel guily for protecting them if you come from a family with an overly narcissist father and a mother who project all her anger into you....
It's all common sense, but nice to hear it and reassuring. I actually started doing this recently. I was a lot like you. Good to know I'm moving in the right direction. Thanks again for another great video.
I live by the 3 strikes and you’re out rule. . First time is on you, second time is on me. Third time you’re out. I do that in the beginning of a relationship and whenever it is needed there after. It’s worked for me. I don’t need someone in my life. I would love to have someone in my life… Who contributes
You are truly amazing! I wish I knew all that many years ago... But I'm here now ;-) and really grateful to have discovered your channel. Your talk really help me. THANKS! :)
Loved the video.. Great tips and very practical approach. Most importantly, it taught me that it is necessary to remain calm and self loving when setting boundary! Thank you so much!!!
From hearing, comes wisdom ,from speaking repentance , many people wit come late, so I belive it's not too late repent. I just want enjoy my life, I am poor I am happy, sometimes I felt like money is worst enemy for humanity we created
I enjoy watching ur videos so much. I have learnt a lot from u. The understanding sets me free and thank to u a thousand times. u r my life saver. U r doing great. I feel lucky to have found u here. everyday I learn from u. I will keep learning from u. there r healthy for me. Thank u
Thank you Stephanie! This video has been enlighting! Gonna do my best to implement this. It’s gonna be tough since I never thought I had to establish boundries. I thought I just had to put up with people’s attitude. The first thing will be to know my standards. Again, many thanks!
