Hi, my name is Dorian and I'm STILL an addict.. and I keep relapsing. 

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that I'm still here..

Massive respect for putting this out there. It’s not an easy thing to do so I commend you. I’m 32, been sober since 28. Everyone is different, but talk therapy was one of the keys to success for me. Don’t settle for a therapist you don’t vibe with though. And in a way, videos like this are talk therapy too.

You deserve to be sober. Your family deserves it. But you gotta go 100% sober. My dad is 73 and relapsing into alcoholism. But thankfully he was 100% sober during my teen years, and it honestly changed our lives. I'd be a different person if he'd not abstained for years. He did it by putting a calendar on the wall and marked it ever single day he was sober. Everything is better when you're sober. But it takes 100% abstaining. You can't cheat even a little.

Please don't ever feel the need to make your videos private under the rationale of them being "too personal" for a "programming channel" - the main reason I subscribe to you is how genuine you come across while in front of the camera, in contrast to many other content creators in the coding space who work to cultivate an embellished image of themselves and their lifestyle in order to attract an audience. The honesty you showcase in your videos is so much more valuable to me as a viewer, and not only helps me in extending empathy for people who have endured rougher life circumstances than my own, but also serves the larger purpose of conveying that the field of programming is inclusive to individuals from a diverse range of backgrounds.

For anyone reading this and struggling with addiction I just wanna say a bit of my story not only to help others but for myself too. I’m currently 23 years old and 3 months sober from smoking weed and about 3 years not drinking. I grew up playing sports my whole entire life, playing hockey, baseball, golf at highest possible levels for my age, especially hockey. I was raised just like most kids being taught drugs are bad never do them. Which I never I did until I was 17 years old. I was going into my draft year in hockey and was ranked top 75 in the country 🇨🇦 and ended up being absolutely ruined by my coaches. After that I just said fuck it my life isn’t going anywhere so I started hanging with the kids that liked to party. I started smoking and drinking just at parties and maybe the odd night with friends. It didn’t start to get bad until I broke up with the first girl I fell in love with. I quickly started smoking bongs from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed, I never thought I had I had an addictive personality until I actually sat down and thought about it. Just like Dorian said I also can’t do something without going 110% at it. Also My parents both have never done a single drug in their life so it never even crossed my mind I would be like that. I became so addicted it got to the point where I couldn’t do anything including eating without smoking first (video games, going out, going for shower, walking dog) literally anything. Now I’m here laying in my bed at 2:45 in the morning thinking about how far I have came. And no it wasn’t just weed I had issues with at the start, I abused Xanax for a long time and same with cocaine. I just didn’t want to feel the pain of losing my gf, losing my career in hockey and all the pressure of life in general. I’m kinda of just rambling on now but my point was if anyone is actually reading this and is struggling just know you aren’t alone. I can promise you if you put your mind to it you can do it. People are there for you, I am here for you❤ people do not talk about and converse enough about these things. Society has taught us as men to keep or feelings and thoughts locked in our head and to suck it up and be a man. Well fuck that. If your struggling please reach out to me or anyone. Love anyone reading this, you got this ❤

Thanks for your story. Weed was actually a gateway into my alcoholism (disclaimer: I have an addictive disposition) I spoked weed a lot in my university years,drinking was not an issue, but I'd developed an unhealthy relationship with smoking, obsessing about it, getting angsty if I'd run out. Eventually due to a change in living circumstances, I no longer had access to weed, so the wake and bake became a morning vodka shot, the tired evening buzz became mixing every available drink in one glass and nursing it. That spiralled to being physically dependent on alcohol, consuming a litre of vodka, or gin or Chinese rice wine every day. I'm now free from the slavery, I don't count days, because the focus is on not picking up the first drink. Ultimately I'm addicted to sedating my brain,I know I'm addicted to heroin,gambling,cocaine,pills despite not dabbling in any of them, because I am an addict. Good luck.

this showed up in my recommended and I'm glad it did. I saw the title and instantly went to it. I'm 35 and have been an addict since I was 16 or 17. January 1st ill be 4 months sober. haven't done any substance at all. I never thought I'd make it this far. and now I love it. so much has changed in the most positive ways. being honest with yourself is truly important and you definitely do that.

I didn't even know who you were before this video was recommended to me. You'll likely never see this either but I'M PROUD OF YOU. We're right around the same age, with a similar addiction story. I still struggle with a lot of things related to my addiction. It takes a strong, sincere person to make a video like this. I wish you the best and hope you can make the changes you outlined in this video.

This hurts. My dad is an addict and my whole life he went through relapse/sobriety/relapse/sobriety. He was never there, though. He would lock himself in his bedroom. He ignored us. When he did interact with us, it was yelling and picking fights. He got fired from all his big boy jobs & blew through my mom & his retirement money… at 69 he works at goodwill and lives with a roommate & my mom will have to work her whole life unless I get rich and can help her. He’s been sober almost two years now, but I worry about him relapsing all the time. As long as you spend time with your kids and show them you care… I wish you the best. I struggle to have empathy for addicts after what I went through growing up.

As a professional in STEM, I commend you for talking about this. I've also struggled with drug abuse throughout my life. It's a strange feeling blacking out on a weekend and doing a pick-me-up on a Monday before putting on a tie and heading into the office. I had to dial it back after getting hospitalized, and it sucks that I had to hit rock bottom to get my shit together.... For everyone with secret lifestyles, know that you aren't alone. I know how chaotic and isolating substance abuse can be....

Accountability is super important in addiction recovery. Props to you for putting this out there. Highly recommend finding a way to connect with other addicts and mental health professionals who can coach you through this. Addiction is a life long disease and should be treated with the same attention as any other serious disease where the potential outcomes include death i.e. cancer. Good luck to you on your journey!

Oh no , soooo sorry to hear this. You inspired me into getting my shit together and learning how to code at 52! You're a helluva dude, you got this Dorian... First step is admitting it.👊🏽🙏🏽

From a video game addict. Don't try to tell yourself that you should stop video games. Tell yourself that you can do more than just gaming. You'll see changes. You'll get bored of games. You'll manage your time and balance it and that's what happened to me. I think that we shouldn't try to change for the best. Just try to change for the better and the best will eventually come.

Bless you!!! Find and bring joy to your life. AA or NA…doesn’t do it. Especially if you see that EVEN potentially positive actions or habits….can become an addiction. ❤❤❤ It’s the person, not the action. But really…it’s the baby inside of you, that is calling out for you to Love & accept him. Wholeheartedly. Which is truly what he (you) deserves. Feed that lil one inside. Feed him JOY. Every day. Figure out the things that make you feel like that perpetual 10 yr old Inside of each of us. That still has Hope. Still holds the magic of life. THAT is what EVERY “addict” needs in their every day life. (Which, sorry all, but that’s all of us. We may pick a ‘good’ habit/addiction…but ask why do you do it?) If you instead, each day focused on finding joy in every day things, feel exhilaration, That is what EVERY “addict” needs. And bring others that same experience….well then, that is where self love and acceptance starts…and that is the ONLY PATH you can take towards healing. How can you love another, if you can’t love yourself first!? Start there, then the rest will come. I promise. 💕

I also have a ciggerette and alcohol addiction, sometimes I have long streaks while trynna quit... Sometimes I relapse, HARD... I concluded that the best way to quit is not obssess over quitting, but be to accept and take responsibility as soon as you relapse, you know, before you get too deep into it again. This has worked for me so far ... I pray for the best for all of us!

There's a lot of resonance between our stories. I started around the same age . . . got high for the first time around 7 or 8 years old. A friend and I were in the habit of swiping cigarette butts as you mentioned and we had no idea what we'd stumbled into when we found a bag of roaches ... it hit us years later when the same friend and I got high together for the first time deliberately at 12 or 13. I turned away from drugs, including pot, much sooner, but went way further down the rabbit hole with alcohol. I can say this about alcohol ... it only tends to escalate. However bad it is now, it can only get worse. And the tolerance does not seem to diminish with time as it does with other drugs. At least it didn't for me. I drank a lot for a teenager but didn't really make a profession out of it until my early 20s. I worked my way up to 12 - 18 natty ices a night before undergoing a bone marrow transplant in 2005 at 25 years old (I am in good health now). I quit drinking for well over 6 months and I can clearly recall the first night I drank thereafter. I got a 12 pack and figured I'd be hammered half way through, maybe even sooner. I drank all 12 and wished I had more like I hadn't missed a day. I eventually transitioned into a beer connoisseur. I got really into high ABV imperial stouts and porters. I was active on beer advocate, I had a spreadsheet, but I was really just a drunk. The drinking was causing problems at home. I never struck a living thing in a black out rage, but I was a cyclone of random violence unto inanimate objects around the house if set off. After a particularly explosive night of drinking, I started my recovery journey in 2011. I made it two years before financial issues demanded I drop out of grad school. I came from abject poverty. I grew up knowing hunger in a way a child shouldnt. I never thought I'd go to college, let alone make it to grad school, and when I had to take a leave, I relapsed. Not only did my intake not diminish in two years of sobriety, it increased markedly out of the gate. I never returned to nightly drinking, but the binges increased in intensity regardless of the time between them. I began having to drink so much beer it started seriously fucking with my stomach. I switched to whiskey. Problem solved. I eventually worked my way up to a fifth of whiskey every time I drank. And when that wasn't quite enough, I began purchasing liters. And then the whiskey started fucking with my stomach. Switched to vodka, problem solved yet again. Switching to whiskey and vodka also made it much much easier to hide my drinking. I'd go months between binges sometimes. I was very adept at compartmentalizing my drinking. I made it back to grad school and finished. I never had another incident of drunken rage as I'd only drink alone. My better half worked nights at the time, which made it easier. However, I was eventually found out in 2016 and thus began my longest stint with sobriety. I made it 3 years and we lost our german shepherd unexpectedly. I took her to be cremated and picked up a half gallon of booze (2 pints of whiskey and 2 pints of vodka). After 3 years without a drop, I picked up exactly where I'd left off. My last relapse was in December of 2021 and it landed me in the hospital with withdrawal for the first time. That's another thing I learned. I would go months and months without drinking and then go on these mini benders. I had no idea what was going on the first time I ended up in withdrawal as I didn't know it was possible as a binge drinker. Turns out the withdrawal tends to get worse every time you go through it and it's even worse yet for true binge drinkers. It's called kindling and the physiology is quite interesting. Nothing I experienced in my 5 year battle with cancer, including anything during the bone marrow transplant, comes even close to the nightmare that is alcohol withdrawal. It is hell. And even after ending up in the hospital in seizure territory nearly a year ago, I still struggle. My daemon never screams or shouts, but it whispers at all the right times. When I've been working too much, and things are going to shit, it whispers. I've learned to cope with anger, but when a sadness hits me that I don't know how to cope with, it whispers. When things are going really well and that in and of itself makes me nervous, it whispers. It's a fucking fight, man. I know that when I'm active in recovery, the fight is a little easier. AA did not resonate with me. SMART recovery, with no higher power, and based on tools founded in cognitive behavioral therapy and rational emotive behavioral therapy, resonated much more. I still haven't drank since the hospitalization, but I'm also not active in recovery right now, and often wonder if it's only a matter of time, even if that time is 3 or 5 or more years. I fall into that same trap of suffocating everything in my addictive tendencies. After a relapse, I'll do at least one online meeting every single day for months. And then once I miss one, I don't do it at all for much longer. I've talked to hundreds, if not thousands of addicts in the last 12 or 13 years. i learned that while my drinking pattern is atypical, there is no such thing as a unique alcoholic snowflake. i've talked to at least dozens of binge drinkers just like me. I had no idea there were so many people in the world successfully hiding their drinking (until unsuccessful) and finding creative ways to dispose of their empties. My main point is what I said at the beginning. For people like us, this tends to only move in one direction and it tends to end in handles of vodka. One doesn't have to go there, one can get off the train at any time, but it's the only way it goes.

It's good that you are self-aware about all of this. I am another addictive personality, have my life ruined at the moment. I've took a hard-left on my road and went into some bad paths in my life - 4 years ago due to seeking escape I went into a casino, and these 4 years are the worst years of my life because I became addicted and ruined my whole life in just 4 years. Prior to that I've been also addicted to gaming for my whole 20s, and I am still a heavy smoker, 7-10 blunts per day. Sometimes when I have only 5 I feel bad coz it's not enough. You see how this sounds... I am getting a very decent salary as I work in an IT company, yet I don't have anything to eat at this very day and it's just the beginning of the month. My point is - addiction doesn't choose, I have an IQ of 149 and yet I ended up in this black hole with suicidal thoughts and a very hard road in front of me, I wonder if it's manageable to get out of this one really. Keep yourselves in check people, life doesn't choose who and where to hit sometimes.

Bro.. you are a fucking SOLDIER. I applaud you for surviving, thriving, and now inspiring others. Great freaking job man

This was an an extremely brave video to make. These relapses make sense from your childhood exp, but taking accountability shows you're fighting hard against the tide, and being the best version of yourself for your wife and kids is the most commendable action a man can take. Thanks for sharing man!

This takes a lot of courage to upload onto RU-vid, especially since you already have a core audience for your coding videos. I hope you continue down the good path, don’t give up! Have a good one brother

Doubt that you’ll see this but I am also battling addiction. I’m a first generation Cuban immigrant. Been living in Miami for 20+ years & I’ve been through hell and back (not all the way back). I wish you nothing but strength and know you’re not on this journey alone. Take good care ✊🏽

I have been fighting for my sobriety for almost almost 9 years. I have relapsed multiple times but I pick myself up dust myself off and keep fighting. It was so important for me not to judge myself. Guilt and shame will keep an addict high. So I continue to forgive myself. Thanks for your story❤

Thanks for sharing this man. I've watched a lot of your videos and seeing you become "successful" in my eyes has given me a lot of hope and motivation. If it helps you have been a positive influence in my life and given me relatable hope that I too can turn my mistakes into a better life. Thanks for sharing this...story and experience. It made my day more hopeful and bearable.

So...I'm in the process of quitting smoking weed. Thank you for sharing man!!.. This helps me a lot!!! And hopefully will help other people thinking to right themselves too. And for whoever needs to hear this, Remember!!.. The fact that you're watching this video, it's assumed to be one of the first steps you took to start quitting addiction. Be strong!💪💪💪

Your awareness is growth. Owning your shit. As an addict parent I can relate. Out of my 4 kids my oldest has the disease. She’s also the child that suffered the most from my behaviors. She committed suicide 3 yrs ago after drinking a 5th to herself. Dorian I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come and for recognizing that things need to change to be a better version of yourself. I wish you and yours the best. I have faith in you. Don’t expect perfection shoot for healthy change

All I’m gonna say I’m glad I came across your video bro. You have no idea how much your Chanel changed my life.

As a 28 year currently struggling with the same addictions, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. Stay strong!

I have never seen one of your videos before, glad I did. Respect to you for putting this out there. I wish you all the best. I believe you can do it. Good luck man 👍

From what I can tell, most addictions are emotional. I'm a developer that used to wake and bake and I do it every now and then. I remember clearly that it was mostly because I never realized the moments I was under huge amounts of stress and got used to coping that way. I do like Atomic Habits by James Clear because it lists out ways to form good habits while unlearning bad habits. I hope this comments help in any way, shape, or form! Kudos to your Spain trip!

I don’t know a thing about coding but I watched this video and subscribed immediately after watching. Thank you for sharing this!

Hey, hope you enjoyed Portugal. I'm in the same place, I need to stop drinking … I'm a functional alcoholic since I can remember. When I'm at school (I'm at 42 Lisbon, learning to code) or working I don't drink, as soon I leave work and meet friends I drink too much. I was able to stop smoking weed, but struggling to quit cigarettes. Let's do this, let's stop this nonsense and live life without addiction. Greetings from Lisbon. ♥ Love your videos

No one’s perfect. I believe in you and proud of you. Thank you for sharing this video. You show people that it’s ok to fall down. That it’s more important what you do next and that you don’t stay down. Truly thank you for sharing.

I'm craving sobriety I can't stay straight it's a journey I'm here with you understanding your struggles because they are mine stay strong we can do it.

You and I have a lot in common But unfortunately I’m spending thanksgiving alone I’ve got a 6 year old daughter and I can’t be there with her and your video has taken me out of a very very dark place. I literally woke up today telling myself this is my last thanksgiving. Thank you for this video.

Much love admiration to you Dorian! I feel you on alot of this. I have been struggling addict for several years and these days If I'm not drinking then I'm smoking and if I'm not smoking then I'm drinking. I'm really glad this video came up because lately I have been thinking about my addictive personality more then ever and I seek to stop my destructive drinking problem (then hopefully move on to weed and nicotine) and it's been so hard.. I don't feel me when I'm not drinking I don't feel fun or as social but I know that I can't keep drinking because I can never have just a few. I really appreciate this video and wish you the best of luck man🤞

Hello, Dorian! This is my first time commenting on your channel but I wanted to commend you for your bravery. Please, continue to strive for greatness! We all have our demons but you not only exposed them but you are constantly battling them instead of succumbing to them. Prayers going up!

The only real programming influencer. Thanks for keeping me motivated to get a real job.

Thank you for this video. You're extremely intelligent and I believe a lot of people like you become addicts because they don't know what to do and how to deal with being gifted. We push away our strengths. We also just want to be happy, fit in and have a purpose.but at the same time we are lazy and have no motivation because our brain pathways are fried and dependent. Things that made us happy before, don't anymore. Therefore we get that fix instead of working for it. We don't know how to deal with bad emotions nor we want to be dealing with anything other than feeling good... high. Addiction is the biggest challenge and a teacher. Some of your videos I have stumbled on really made me think and have motivated me. I'm happy you have a family and a career to fight for, I know you can do it.

Thank you for this! The past few days, i’ve been having trouble facing myself but this has definitely directed me to confront myself and take accountability with my choices. Thanks for being an example!

You are a great human Dorian and your heart is in the right place. Don’t let a mistake get to you, keep your head up and keep sharing these awesome videos. The world needs more of the content you’ve been putting out the past several month s

It happens, mayne. It's a part of getting clean for many people. Harm reduction is the important thing: don't go back to your old dose. Cut it in half or, preferably, in fourths to compensate for reduced tolerance. For some addicts, the black-and-white all or nothing mindset of "I used a tiny bit of any substance so I relapsed & the clock starts over" is harmful. 100% sobriety for 100% of one's life is a great goal but not realistic for everyone. The important thing is your health & safety. Use via a safer method: smoking over injecting; snorting over smoking, etc.

If it helps, you are the healthiest looking addict I've seen in a minute. Most addicts I know have a sunken face. That's not me doubting you, just a compliment. I hope you continue to improve and stay healthy. Peace be with you

Dude I relate to this video so much. Grew up in a rough neighborhood, started drinking and doing drugs young in life, started slanging on the side... all of it. I'm in a decent spot now in my 30's but I need to really shift gears and be the best dad I can for my daughter. She loves her dad more than anything, I don't drink really or smoke around her but I just need to focus on making a career out of my art or programming knowledge so I can set her up when she's an adult.

Thank you for still being here 💙✨ I pray from the bottom of my heart that you will stay sober. You're in a difficult psychological war, but you're 100% capable of reprogramming your mind. Please, don't give up on yourself!

Recognizing the issue and patterns is the first step. You got this 💪🏼

You aren’t alone brother. Stay strong and keep going. Sending positive vibrations your way.

Hi from France. I want to share a bit of my life story: sole son of an alcoholic dad. My old man started battling his addiction in his 50s. That was nearly 15 years ago. He's still struggling. But he's doing his best. It's not about quiting forever. It's not about being flawless, it's about being able to love and better yourself EVEN if you slip up sometimes. You're battling something much bigger than yourself. Whether you make it another day in sobriety or not isn't the most important. The most important is that: when you slip up, you get back up. It's not over unless you say it is, so keep it up man. I know it sounds silly but trust me, I'm extremely proud of my dad for him wanting to get his life back together in his 60s, even so because I know how hard this is. You should not be a slave to the alcohol, but you shouldn't be a slave to your guilt either. Accept that you're work in progress. You can also tell your loved ones you're struggling and that you want to be better. It's your cross to bear but don't be a martyr. You're a survivor. Each day that you haven't touched the bottle is a day you reclaimed, period. Be proud man. Love yourself, be good to yourself and your loved ones. Peace

So much respect for you

I was debating myself if I should take a beer right now or not, because it's 23:00h and I hate the fact I drink every day. I work in product, nobody would ever expect for me to battle my somewhat addition with drinking behind doors.I think it's very brave & much needed for you to take a step forward. Especially for women as well, since I have enough things working against me in this industry I would never have the "balls" to speak out about this. You're very brave and thank you for creating visibility for people working in IT + struggle with an addiction. Society just don't want to believe these two things do co-exist.

Hang in there my guy. I think you're a powerful testament to why we shouldn't be treating drugs as a crime. We need public health resources to help folks like you. You have a heart and don't want to keep sliding off the rails because you know exactly what kind of mess that makes. I honestly don't know why people would prefer their taxes to go to repeat wars instead of helping people get and stay sober, even if it takes a thousand failures. At that scale, what repeated actions are the bigger harm to our world? To bring it back down though, I think you have a good head in spite of all that's gone down in your life man, and I believe in your abilities and strengths. I wish you all the best with getting sober and working towards becoming your greatest possible self. It's never too late.

In 2021 I was registered for a mobile and web dev course in college. I relapsed and quickly remembered why I had quit in the first place. Everyone is either in jail, dead or still doing the same thing except with a bad liver and Hep C. As crazy as it sounds, I still had my mind set on being a coder before, during and now after my relapse. I just needed to fix myself. I've been sober since may 1st and took a year off for myself, I work night shifts, code and play music. All of this in a loop EVERY single day. I'll be in class by next fall. As much as it pains me to see you struggling, you are an inspiration. As we all know, addicts are great at making up excuses and excuses sound best to the person making them up. I now cannot use the excuse " Well they aren't addicts , they don't know how hard it is for someone like me" and so on. You're around my age, you have the career I'm thriving for, you have a loving family. That's all I've ever really wanted and to see that you've done all of that while being an addict set's the bar high but achievable. I thank you for this video very much. I may go to meetings but I havent found jesus or whatever lol I believe in science while others pray to get by I find other ways and this video is one of those ways.

my moms a doctor , my father is an engineer didnt came from the same place as you but i sure am in a worse one now a days my english aint great but hope u can understand me been doing cocain like every week for the past 2 years listening to your story is really impactfull I am portuguese and hope you had a grreat time here! big up man one love fam

I'm not very often on this channel, but it will change after this vid. Everything you mentioned in here was part of my life as well! Minus meth and jiu-jitsu. Even now, with stable relationship, demanding job in IT in finance and while doing Comupter Science degree, I do relapse sometimes. These days it's 'only' alcohol and video games. I try to keep it under control, but I don't live under any illusion I will some day not be an addict. However, it's crucial to learn about yourself, about the brain and how the addiction works, because it get easier to control it. Great vid! Thanks for being so transparent! I hope you had nice holidays with your family in Spain!

Dorian. You're incredible for sharing this. I've struggled with substance abuse since I was 13-14 as well. Trying to get my s**t together right now and take programming seriously to keep myself focused, motivated and occupied. We are not who we were in the past. We can continue to move forward and be better people. That doesn't mean there won't be some hiccups.

great video man , I’m currently fighting a fentanyl addiction and it’s so scary to think about how eventually I gonna have to face being sick for a couple weeks

Thanks for sharing something so personal, Dorian

Huge props for making this video. You're touching home with a lot more people than you think. This is your channel, it has your name attached to it. I believe your channel is more personal than you think. People follow you for you, not JUST your knowledge. Thanks Dorian, you're the man!

What an insightful video! We make addiction as something that needs to be treated, and it is something that causes harm to an individual's life most of the time. But I think we don't realise that alot of people have addictive personalities, and its not easy to get rid of something thats already embedded in the way of your life and possibly your brain as well. I had phone addiction for as long as I remember(even watching youtube video now when I should be doing something else), and it stemmed mostly from isolation and self-loathing because I needed to find instant satisfactions and distractions from my own life. RU-vid was perfect for that.. so here I am with barely any social life, friends, stable job, but just bunch of useless videos stored in my memory. I literally have no purpose in life as I have no attachment to myself whatsoever. But I hope that Ill find something else to be addicted to that will be a little more nourishing than youtube videos. Im sick of watching and praising other people living the life I want to live..

I have been watching this channel for advice about programming, but these types of videos are helpful in their own way. Obviously I don't know you as a person but it's amazing to see someone power through a desperate situation and become an entirely new version of who they were. No matter who you are this story is applicable to you, because every person will go through their own form of this kind of struggle. Thank you for sharing your story Dorian.

You are very courageous to share your weaknesses with us I admire your strength as a human being. Especially nowadays where seemingly , everything has to fit a certain way, I find it very positive when people open up about their struggles. Stay stong dude! Im learning to code for 7 months now and its men like you who keep me on track and help me stay positive when Im feeling like a turd who cant even print out hello world sometimes. Again thank you for producing content like this its really rare! please continue to do your thing! 👍

I've been suffering from addiction pretty much my whole adult life since early HS (35 now) and I share a lot of similarities with you growing up and what not. I was getting goosebumps the more I listened. I can get sober but then I can never figure out what to do next. So I get hooked into videos games and use the least its not drugs excuse. When I get sober I isolate and just do not want to talk to anyone or even have the urge to make friends. I got wrapped up in a lot of shit during covid and honestly surprised I'm still alive. I'm to afraid to have kids because I do not want them to have to deal with addiction. I lost my Dad when I was young to alcohol I think alot of problems stem from that. Was nice to hear your story and opened my eyes that I'm not the only one. I'll be following your channel.

Dorian, as a person who pretty much had the same dysfunctional childhood in South Florida, aspiring to break away from it and into data science... I am so thankful for you and this channel.

Good for you! Gaining awareness is key to change. 15 years sober, drug free and cigarette free for me. Try not to focus on the addiction label focus on finding balance and you’ll find your way! ❤

Here's the thing. You felt the need to be open and transparent with your audience and speaks volumes how human you are and you are committed to fight this. Thank you for being this open, for sharing your struggles and for being here. Your videos of coding made me feel more confident to get the career done. Big love Dorian, stay strong!

With this Video, you are freeing yourself.... Lot of addiction comes from "Shame" ...... When you get this vulnerable with people who could "Shame" you for your "Flaws" ..... YOU ARE ALREADY IN THE PROCESS OF FREEING YOURSELF ! Don't be ashamed, DO BETTER but don't be ASHAMED........ Respect yourself enough to do better because you were wise and strong enough to become a software engineer through all the chaos...... that proves that you are not a weak man.. you are STRONG.... Stay Strong.... No one is without flaws.. We are all working towards our best selves... KEEP BEING strong.... We Respect You, We wil NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER JUDGE YOU EVER !!!! you sharing your software engineering stories has given MANY OF US life.... LITERALLY..... so we WILL be with you through this journey of freeing yourself.... GOD GOT YOU!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME

Love your honesty mate. I've had a similar life to yours, trouble with the law when I was young, tried every drug that you named, binged on acid, mushrooms. I was an alcoholic at one stage and I've smoked weed since age 14. I've managed to get rid of all those addictions, except for smoking weed. That's the last one I need to get rid of, eventually, but for real it's better than being a sloppy, arrogant drunkard. Try tapering down your weed intake each day, beat your record daily by having one less hit than the day before. You can still function perfectly as a father and smoke a bit of weed on the side though my friend don't crucify yourself too much.

I agree that everything can be an addiction. I'm currently 6 weeks sober from alcohol but I chase dissociation with RU-vid, desert, and the occasional edible. I've also added a healthy addiction to working out. As an addict myself I find I have so much love and understanding for others going through the struggle. Good on you for owning it and holding yourself accountable in a public forum. It's really hard to find a why sometimes but mine is currently a self challenge. I recently moved with my wife to a new state, to a town known for being a brewery capital of the eastern US. My wife left me and after a solid two week bender I'm back to being sober again. I figure if I can do it under so much duress, all alone in a brewery paradise, I can do it anywhere. I am strong and so are you, but so is addiction. Anything you can do, whatever mental framing it takes to take away it's power can be beneficial. Good luck on the journey

Happy Thanksgiving! Whether you relapse or not, everything you've survived makes you a champion in my eyes. I hope you're proud of yourself man.

I never knew you were from Miami until now watching this video. What's crazy is that what you describe at that age being around the drugs and the rich kids, that's just what life was like in Miami in those times. It's crazy what can be "normal" depending on your surrounding. I'm from Miami as well brother, and you just took me down memory lane. Back in the day everybody did something. Really was rare to have any friends who didn't do anything, the good kids drank and smoked weed. You have come a long way and are an inspiration. I started following your channel last year around this time because I want to learn how to code and I took a detour to get a license in a trade (barber) so I can make some money while I keep learning to code which I am now coming back to. That's my 2023 resolution. Keep strong brother, you got this. I started BJJ last year and I'm down 65 pounds since. BJJ is one of the best decisions I have ever made. 💪

Dorian, I think I speak for many of us who watch your channel. We all love and respect your honesty. I’m glad you’re open with us. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey man I'm in a rehab program right now and I'm glad that you're sharing about your addiction and I wish you the best in recovery.

Dorian! Don't be an addict! Surround yourself with things than better than the addiction! Take care of your family! You can be a good husband and father! You can do this!

Bro, this is the first time I'm writing you a comment. I understand and relate to your story alot. I'm 34 and still struggle with addiction. I'm married have a job but I am still weak to these substances. I wish I could stop but I think it's really all more psychological than physical. Because I can go some time without drugs but then I always relapse and return to them. I use to be a heavy drinker as well. I've taken all the drugs you have mentioned and then after a accident I got addicted to pain killers. I was never a pill guy becuase I thought thats what white people do, but when I had my accident they gave me heavy pain killers and already being an addict this was a death sentence. I use to take so much i would have multiple seizures in the street and wake up in the hospital. My wife I have now sticks by my side through all of this and she's patient with me. But this is my 3rd marriage and 2 of my wives left me becuase I was an addict. I don't know how to find peace through all of this, I don't know how to stop. I think it just we have addicted personalities and this is why. Wish the best buddy, I am watching watching video now but I had to stop it just to write this message, and sorry about it being so long.

W Dorian, It's certainly not easy to admit addiction. Great video!

Nothing to be embarrassed about it’s a sickness and believe it or not if u help just one person it’s a win❤❤❤

I can only agree with the majority of comments that say the main reason they follow you is because you are genuine, we can relate to you in many different levels and you show your true self, a reality that many go through but try to hide as hard as they can. Everyone goes through hardships and addictions at some level, and having someone strong enough to talk about theirs and see that we are not alone, helps a ton. You are a huge inspiration man, for me and for many. Thanks for doing what you do, and keep on your grind, i wish you and your familly the best, peace!

Thanks for not being afraid to talk about these things. As a relatively new developer, I struggle to talk with others about my own challenges, mental health, and addiction. Truth is, you inspire me to break the silence.

Abstinence isn't the only option. I've been in recovery for 10 years now. I don't even want to do drugs and alcohol anymore, lol. I think about how I used to live vs. how I live now, and I can't even imagine how I managed to function. I do not follow abstinence. I drink occasionally with my friends, but if I start to get drunk it doesn't feel good. I don't *want* to get drunk, and I don't *want* to do drugs. I love the life I'm living and I want to be as present as possible for it. There is no shame in abstinence in recovery if that's what you need, but it doesn't work for everyone. What's worked for me is doing the hard work of dealing with my mental health issues and figuring out what I really want out of life. I will always have a biological predisposition to addiction, and I keep that in mind every day, but I am no longer burdened by the want and need to drink and use. I just wanted to share my experience as an alternative. There are many paths to recover, and it is really about finding one that works for you! And, that it is possible to get past the cravings. It is possible to get to a place where you don't even worry about this anymore, and you can let it take a back seat to the other, more prominent issues that are pressing in your life. As long as you're alive, you have the chance to change things. Keep working on it, because you, and your family, is worth it. If you haven't seen a mental health professional, consider if this is an option. It can be a lengthy process, but it can be super valuable. There is a lot of support out there if you start looking at it, both irl and online. If you need it, find a group that resonates with you. The support of people who understand what you're going through can be important at times. You've got what you need to do this, and that is the want and desire to live a more healthy life. Keep it up! It is not easy, but it is doable.

Much respect for putting this out. I never would I just hide it from my jobs. From a very similar background, hs dropout, obsessive personality, drug addict parents, etc. etc. Pro tip: Don't call yourself an addict. You are obsessive yes but that's not a problem that's a very useful personality trait. You only have a problem if you believe you do.

Bro, great stuff. I can relate too much! Sometimes I'll be sitting at a cheesy corporate meeting, thinkin' to myself, "I wonder if anyone else in this room has smoked crack with a homeless man?"

For someone who struggled with addiction growing up I just want to say you are one of the few people who inspired me to at least recognize the problems & try to change myself for the best. Stay strong man & you should feel immensely proud of yourself for opening up while helping others along your path! Thank you for positively affecting my life more than most people I've ever physically met. Happy Thanksgiving Bro!

My sister just got out of rehab and I think you can do it too, you can improve. I used to struggle with bad suicidal thoughts and depression spells but I finally got the help I needed back in 2013 and have been better since, not perfect but I have the tools to manage now. You can do it. Please don't give up on yourself.

Your honesty, vulnerability and your ability to hold yourself accountable are a great sign that you’re on the right path. Sometimes you may think that relapsing is a setback but it’s really an opportunity for growth, to learn what factor contributed to the relapse and an opportunity to redirect yourself again towards your healing path. You’re an inspiration and I wish the best, I know you will overcome these obstacles and become the man that you REALLY want to be. Greetings from Spain too! 🙌🏽🇪🇸

This video really hit home for me. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story

I drink way too much, and that always ends up with me doing cocaine. I've been going like this for 7+ years. I'm 22 and a self taught software engineer. I have been coding since I was like 13, and been working professionally for 4.5 years. I wanna quit drinking etc and begin working out, eat healthy, get enough sleep and take care of myself. Unfortunately I keep relapsing and procrastinate. I have a very addictive behavior as well, and I also think that's why I've become so good at my job. Whenever I'm not preoccupied that's where I begin to relapse.

I so get you. My whole life has consisted of replacing one addiction with another. I’m now in my 50’s and it’s all still such a battle. It’s a relief to know there are people like me out there.

You don’t sound like an addict. You sound like someone who experimented with drugs… Addicts cannot stop themselves at all at the cost of everything else. I wish you a good and safe journey. Happy thanksgiving 👍🏻

Happy Thanksgiving, Dorian. You've inspired me and others to learn how to code and change careers. You'll find your way. You have my prayers man. God bless.

I can't recommend Jiu Jitsu enough! keep training brother, I recently got my black belt and even at this level there is always something new to learn, and the friends I have made there have been awesome and worth it, the hardest thing for me has been finding balance between everything such as jiu jitsu, work, hobbies, etc. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope it all goes well, enjoy the time with your family overall, happy holidays.

Thanks for opening up man. Hopefully, I will be brave enough one day to tell my story.

Everyone has struggles Dorian. No ones is perfect. Happy thanksgiving to you and your family!

Dorian you are such an inspiration to me, after all the stuff you’ve been through and you still managed to get it all, thank you for sharing

Best wishes man. I have experience with a lot of addicts in my family and people I know and I have never seen them be able to do anything in moderation. The only time they are successful at being "normal" is when they completely cut that stuff out, strictly. Perhaps going into meditation, or other healthy "addictions" might help, like you said. Idk, just putting words out there on the internet in case they might help somehow. Love your vids bro, very inspiring. Your journey is relatable in many ways and I think it helps people, but that is because you want to do what is best for you and your family.

I feel ya man. I also have a very addictive personality. It's a blessing & a curse depending on which activities you obsess over. Being addicted to martial arts or coding is a much healthier "addiction" than alcohol or gaming. Keep the family on the mind all the time man. Any time you feel that urge, replace it with something else. Want a beer? Go find the kids and throw some ball. Want a bong rip? Find the wife and get spicy.

Hello Dorian, please don't give up trying no matter how many times you fail. I had no idea about your issues and I'm shocked but then again we are all humans and we all have things we need to overcome or work on.

Happy Thanksgiving Dorian! Many of us are grateful for you and your articulate way of sharing your story. You give back more than you know with your videos. Hope you’re enjoying your travels with your loved ones!!

I'm so glad i came across this video. please, continue being yourself. one thing we are missing from RU-vid is your level of realness.

Relatable man, main difference is I've never been addicted to anything 'good' yet in 25 years. This video has inspired me to find that thing and then go on to be a positive role model. Stay strong man 💪

Great video! I applaud your intentions, and I know what you're going through. My ex-wife was a heroin/crack addict. I also suffer from drinking too much when I do. I even signed up for IOP, the same one my ex went to many times. It was only then that I realized what any addict has learned after going to rehab, and it's scary as shit. And what I thought going in, was that rehab and IOP's would somehow help/cure your addiction. The scariest part is realizing after going that there is not a God dammed thing, they can really do for you. So, the saying "If it's going to be, it's up to me", took on a whole new meaning. An even better saying is "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". It's ALL on US. And not until WE are ready to get clean can we do so. And that's the depressing part for a true addict. My ex went to over fifty rehabs, overdosed, and almost dies over ten times. When she left me, she was sober for two years. I don't know how she is doing, but as Dorian bravely pointed out, relapsing is part of the process. He also mentioned that the addicted personality can be addicted to ANYTHING. We just change addictions... for A while. The good news for you Dorian is that you are going public with this, have a great awareness of what you want for your wife, kids, and yourself. My opinion is, if your kids are over the age of six, and you do relapse, It would be best to do it away from home in a safe place so the kids don't see. Childhood trauma such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Disorder, and PTSD begin in early childhood. You may even have suffered this from growing up with your mom. Anyway Dorian, you are my hero for releasing this video. I hope it helps many struggling individuals. I wish you and your family the best of health and happiness always.

Hey Dorian, Props for putting that out there! As someone who had a similar journey I commend you for being open about the struggle. It's clear you have an addictive personality, which as you've outlined, can be a blessing and a curse depending on how you use it. I've watched just a few of your videos (recently discovered your channel) and it's clear that this coming year is going to be one of the most challenging in your life. It also has the potential to be the most rewarding. If I were you, I'd stick to the YT addiction because it can give you the financial peace of mind on your journey for the next year. Put everything else you have in to being the best dad and husband you can be. These memories will be some of the most influential in all of your lives. I don't imagine you want to repeat the cycle with your kids of what you went through growing up (I'm referring to your first experience doing coke) so to me, that's priority number one. Also, despite what your family and friends said about this trip, you're not crazy. You're doing the right thing. I think you dodged a bullet on the 700k mortgage. You can rent apartments in Thailand for far less than what the bank would have been pocketing off you. You'll probably second guess yourself but don't worry, it's natural. We sold everything and left Canada back in 2015. We've made mistakes but I still think we made the right decision. I know this is long-winded but I genuinely wish you the best. Much respect. - Alex