Cheryl gives personalized male and female examples of false, forced, traumatizing consent. She explains how this trauma happens wonderfully using her survival house. I suggest everyone view her video, - Do You "Overreact" and Don't Know Why? To further explore the survival house. It is on RU-vid Thank you, Cheryl, for this forceful, important, eye opening talk 🙂
@5:57 surprised me. I had no idea. I'm so glad that I found this talk. I really want to get this down to where I fully understand and can competently practice.
wow, this really opened my eyes! I have done several things wrong on this front, but i always shook it off because the other person could have simply said no. I mean, it surely is tempting to put the responsibility in the hands of the other person, especially if they only have to say out two letters. only now do i realize, that i never really tried to understand, why they didn't just say no. At this point, i am wondering: Would it help, if i contacted those i failed on? Would it benefit them in any way knowing, that i now know what was going on inside of them, and what i did to them, and why i didn't know better? I would love to hear your opinions and advise
Some people find it healing to hear from the person who hurt them, and others don't. I'd suggest really writing out your thoughts about what happened, getting SPECIFIC about where in Cheryl's model you crossed their boundaries. Once you have that, I'd suggest asking someone to read it thoughtfully to interrogate your points: are there other ways you crossed their boundaries, that you do not list? Are you using direct, candid language and avoiding passive voice? Do you actually apologize? This will help you grow in your own thinking. That's just a draft of your thoughts: actually reaching out to the people you hurt should involve - you guessed it - consent. How can you ask them if they would like to hear from you in a way that preserves their safety, and doesn't trigger any trauma responses? There are multiple different ways, like even letting a friend of theirs know you would like to contact them and requesting they introduce the topic. It's really cool that you are examining your experiences in this way and learning from them - I hope you learn a lot from this messy process of repairing that harm.
i’ve been scouring for videos about this following the end of a tough relationship, and this is finally the one to help me understand things that happened. Thank you so much for this, it’s an incredibly important watch
The example given here does not pertain to anything that has happened in my freeze response to stress. I will take my leave without posting further opinion that is likely to harm those who resonate with this video. Good Day.
Sorry but that is a ridiculously complicated "equation" to get true and honest consent, not that I disagree with any step of that equation. The only practical, meaningful way of fulfilling all aspects of that equation, is to ask the simple verbal consent question, within the context of a life long commitment (aka marriage). It is only in marriage that there is a) the absence of the triggers and b) the presence of safety (assuming that the marriage commitment vanishes, as soon as the relationship becomes abusive in any way). Note I am not saying that marriage = consent, either partner can say no still (but consistent "no"s also imply the abandonment of the marriage commitment), but loving marriage does provide the context (safety and absence of triggers) for that question to be enough.
Just watched this and really appreciate it, found it very informative. As a guy I was never taught this level of consent before and that's probably almost every guy as well which is a shame. I'm looking forward to applying HOTSPICE to future relationships.
What a great way to empower young men and women. I feel this information is transferable to many different situations where we have to make difficult decisions.
I was 20, a girl asked me if she could kiss me. I said no. She kissed me anyway. The next morning I thought it was funny. I was 25, I walked a girl back to her place. She kissed me, as I did not even thought she would and I did not want it at first place. The next morning I was happy I could be the source of her moment of happyness. I never thought about it as bad. Why this? She liked me and did not mean no harm.
It’s all the more devastating when the perpetrator is a female physician who’s more than 10 years younger than you and was someone you admired. It’s beyond the cruelest thing because she was so good at causing such a deep trauma bond. I don’t think anything can undo the harm she’s caused.
Isolating me forcing me to hear em worked for em to not have been verified i said no and to stop immedietly. However a reminder in the morning and a expected debate was reality followed more grueling hours of same yesterday and 2 consecutive years.
