How Do I Forgive My Absent Father? 

I was the son in this situation. My Dad was not in my life growing up. He started another family and life and I was forgotten. I grew bitter about it over the years. Fast forward to him getting cancer and on his death bed. He finally utters his first words to me. “I want to get to know you”. I responded okay. I left went home and never spoke to him again and he soon died. I couldn’t do it. Yes I have felt guilty about it but I had every right to decline. I think there is more to work with here. I would have been more receptive had my Dad made more effort sooner. I think many people, men especially, don’t mature and often don’t have the skills to be successful dads. I was a great dad. I just did the extreme opposite of what my father did. Two great kids and they hear I love you often. I think the son should give him a chance. Text messages and step mom reach outs are sufficient. Grab onto any offer that is sincere. My dad was just too late. I had to protect myself and I did.

My mother left when I was in the 2nd grade, she split and never looked back. My dad stayed for the state check but didn't care about any of us. I dont have a relationship with either one of them, I didn't ask to be born. They failed as parents, I have no guilt for not trying to fix what they've done.

John you're right. A few yrs back we were honored to have a new set of nextdoor neighbors who quickly became our extended family. They were wonderful people who had a couple sets of nephews and grandsons, two who were struggling to get to a good place with their stepfather and two struggling with life in general. My hubby struck up conversations with them and he quickly became Uncle Steve to them. We invited them over regularly for meals/movies and hang out time. He was able to listen to them without parental bias or pressure, he pointed out practical wisdom and strategies for understanding and starting over with a stepparent and life's first steps and missteps, etc. The original neighbors' generation are long passed on, but the time and extra insights spent with these boys were so self-rewarding, something both my hubby and those boys will always treasure, especially since we never got to have our own kids. Steve even got an amazing thank you call from the boys' mother, telling him the stepfather relationship was much improved and thanking my hubby for the support. It does take a village to sort this stuff out. Best of luck to the caller.

@05:10 "It's not the kid's job to heal these relationships, it's the parent's job" 🗣🗣🗣

My ex is an absentee bio dad who recently reached out to my child so he could get to know his grandson. What a batch of crap. He’d gone no contact when my daughter was five and now she’s in her late thirty. All on the flake. He had his chances.

If it may bring some temporary sense of closure or understanding, it might be worth reconnecting. But whatever happens, it won’t fill the void or change the fundamental emptiness of existence.

Two things are true in general. No need to feel guilty. You owe him nothing. Conversely. you are both adults and if you want a relationship the past is irrelevant. You have equal responsiblty to create the relationship you want.

The timing 🥲🫶🏻

The son has nothing to feel guilty about. His dad owns the guilt PERIOD. I lived through this. Parents like this cause a life time of damage to their child’s soul.

I met my bio donor a couple of times. Other than that there was never a relationship and that's how I like it. Stepdad was a better person and that's who I call Dad. By my own choice I neither want nor will ever have a relationship with bio donor. I don't hate him, don't have any feelings whatsoever for him and never will.

That made me teary eyed. Damn.

I think we all needed this 🥹❤️ Let's heal together 🙏🏿

This reminds me of just how much I miss my old mate Mark, affectionately known as ‘dad’, as was my nickname to him. Although we ended up on opposite sides of the globe in and out of contact for 20 years or so with all the life stuff - geez I miss him. Brain cancer and freezing Saskatchewan winters took their toll. RIP Mark. My point is, John is right we can have many dads, sometimes you just gotta accept loss and move forward. Take your time and keep an open perspective. Rural Australia.

Releasing the pressure in my relationship with dad was so much amazing, his tool kit is quiet bad and the dad he had was also bad which is sad but doesn’t justify it just explain you know I’m trying and also being respectful… not only for him but also for my own peace of mind honestly

Video title: How do i forgive my absent father? Me: You dont.

Wow I could’ve made this exact call, almost word for word, except it was my mom.

he threatened to leave, he threatened to stay. Everything is a threat, unless he pays

My parents are experts at guilt trips. Emotional blackmail. I’m learning to not let it get to me.

All I’ll say is people are complicated. Very few people are all good or all bad.

Hey Dr John ,how do you know that the mother didn't stopped his father from seeing his son?

We should never feel guilty for the poor choices our parents made. We should never feel like we have to forgive someone who purposely chose to not be a good parent

This was painful to hear.

I needed this. 😭 My dad left when I was 5. He has a good job, no addictions, just a narcissistic. He gradually lost contact with me and once he remarried and had two kids, he completely stopped contact with my brother and I. It hurts so bad. And I can feel this caller’s pain. Being let down by an adult who is supposed to be so important in your life, is the worst pain. Dr. John reminded me that it’s the parent’s job to fix the relationship. And he’s right. My dad didn’t want a relationship with me, because he could have had it all these years. I will say, knowing him has helped me know what to avoid and now I have the best man I know, my husband. He’s the best father. ❤

My dad left when I was 12 years old. He returned briefly when I was 19. After that, I did not see him till I was 35 years old. My father’s sister…my Aunt reached out to me and told me that my dad was really sick that I should call him. I was obviously angry and didn’t even understand why she was asking me to call him, but for some reason I did. when I finally called him, He sounded really weak. After I initially called him a few days later his girlfriend at the time called me and told me that my dad was really sick so I skipped work and ended up going to his house. Long story short I had to take him to the hospital that morning. He was bleeding out from his rectum, we found out that he had stage four colon cancer. For the next 10 months until he died, I actually took care of him. Still to this day I’m not sure why I took care of him, but I will tell you that it did me more good because by the time he passed away, I was no longer angry at him and I was not carrying that baggage any longer. I realize when he was sick that he wasn’t that strong man that I always thought he was as a child. He was just a regular man with a lot of problems. at the something I did not understand growing up. We never spoke about why he chose to live his life away from us …it didn’t really matter to me.He never said he was sorry for staying away. But he did say he wish he would’ve done things different in his life. I don’t know if you’re going to see this message or even read it. I chose to leave the past behind and it helped me with my future. Hope you decide to do the right thing for yourself without any regret. Life is too short to carry baggage.

My biological dad was never in my life. He was a raging alcoholic, completely debilitated. He lived with his parents until he died at 43 years old. By the time I entered the foster system at age 6, nobody could tell me anything. I was already the man of the house. I’m 37 now and spend as much time with my child as I can. I won’t be like him.

My dad was absent from my life too. He was a raging alcoholic. I tried so hard to be a part of his life, and he never wanted to be a part of mine. He died some months after threatening me. I used to feel scared that he would die and we would never reconcile because I felt guilt. And it did happen. You know what? I don't regret not reconciling. He had his chance. He had 26 years of chances.

My “father” walked out my mom when I was born. I’ve never met him. I don’t know his name. I never want to reach out and I would never want to have a relationship with him, he’s a person I would never have respect for and if he wasn’t a stable human being I’m glad he wasn’t in my life. Saved me headaches and heartbreaks. Plus why would you want your children to have a relationships with a man that didn’t care for his own children.

You don’t need to say “I love you”to someone just because that person is your parent!

Sorry for your lack of connection with your father. My children were disowned by their father when i divorced him. He divorced himself from his kids! Stop carrying the guilt of your father. I told my children "any man can be a father, it takes a special man to be a dad".

Even as a woman with three adult children, there is a young mom in my life who asks me for guidance once in a while. It truly IS an honor. Ask your friend's dad. Do it. ❤

Parenthood is a calling that many answer to but was never called to do. We have to remember that sometimes the best thing a parent can do for us is to not be there. There are many parents that jack up their child's life because of them actually being in it.

My father refuses to talk to me or reach out to me. He has a whole other family. He wasted a lot of my time and effort to reconnect in the end, only to tell me it's better if I just leave. (After I sold everything and moved across the country to reconnect with him based on a web of lies.) Haven't heard from him in 6 years and do not expect to hear or see him or anyone from his side of the family again.

The timing for this for me,is absolutely insane!

My dad left and I didn't see him for a year after a year it was mainly just if he wanted us for something. None of us really talk with him. I don't feel like I hold any hard feelings from him I just don't associate with him really. It would have been nice if he took care of us even while he was away. I have so much to thank my mother for. I still remember my dad telling us not to tell my mom where he lived. I later found out it's because if they knew he would need to pay child support. There were days he would show up in fancy cars meanwhile my mom couldn't afford food for us to eat.

It’s not the job of a child to build a bridge to their father.

I struggle with this gentleman's experience. I lost my Dad when I was young to cancer. My Dad was special and loved me. My Dad and Mom were a great example of how a marriage should be. I always hoped for a marriage where two people put effort into each other and their family. Love through hardship and difficult times. I know my parents weren't perfect and they made mistakes. That being said they were perfect for me. My Mom took on the task of raising all nine of us alone after Dad died. When I got married that was the image or vision I had in my head. Someone who is willing to go through the depths of hardship and be there through it all. My dream or vision on marriage and love was shattered by the man I love. Our children were so emotionally abused and neglected by him. Our daughter hasn't spoken to him in almost three years. He came from a home of physical and emotional abuse. There was also serious neglect. He has been in fight or flight mode since his childhood. Our children are hurting. I'm hurting for them, for him, and for myself. He sees himself as the victim. He drinks, does drugs, and is a workaholic. For a time he didn't drink, but he would just substitute other things to fill the void. He has an addictive personality from his childhood. He honestly was never all in. In the early years it was mostly neglect and some verbal abuse. Overtime it got worse and worse. By the time he walked out I was physically and emotionally exhausted dealing with working and taking care of our family. It is way more complicated than what I am sharing here. I have come to understand that he sees himself as a victim. Life is hard and sometimes really tough things happen. Over time there was more verbal, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. So much was happening it was a nightmare. We are all in therapy except my husband. He thinks he doesn't have a problem and thinks he can fix himself. The truth is he has married three times. He has other children that he neglected and it shows. I should have seen the red flags and ran. I will say I am grateful for being blessed with our children. We have struggles, but we stick together through hardship. I honestly think that for most women who are committed to their marriage and relationship end in divorce because their spouse is not fully committed or all in. The other point I will make here that I have seen as a stumbling block in any relationship is when one or both seem to think in a selfish way. The word or phrase often is, "I have to figure out my life". I for one am so tired of when people say "MY LIFE". That in my eyes is a very selfish thing to say when you are married or have children. If you want to stay single that is totally fine. Just plan on being alone and don't ever attempt to have an intimate relationship with anyone. When you get married it is no longer your life. You become one with your spouse. You choose to face all the ups and downs together. You raise your children as a team. I have watched many marriages in my area end because the husband chose himself over his spouse and children. In any relationship you have to make an effort to truly see the other person as a part of who you are. What happens to one happens to the other. I wish my husband understood that. I never put forth the effort to see me or our children. We were there to fulfill his needs and expectations. I could see what was happening, but when I would talk to him about things he always had an excuse or said he would work on it. The problem is that his excuse was always his justification for not being present in our relationship or with our children. Now they are all grown and he is distant with all his children. He walked out when our youngest was still in high school. He has been gone almost three years now and he hasn't done anything to build a relationship with any of them. He seriously doesn't even know his kids. He is so disconnected. I am trying to wrap my head around why he never filed for a divorce. I finally had to make the decision last year. He accused me of just wanting his money. He couldn't be more wrong.

His father wants nothing to do with his son, but wants to make his son the bad guy and himself the victim. My abusive and alcoholic narcissistic dad does the same thing

Sometimes there is no winning and no sense in any of what happens in people's lives. Yes, it's the father's responsibility to heal their relationship but when someone can't be a father, the children can as well mourn that loss and connect on a human level, no expectations. I did this and it brought me so much peace. Some people really can't do it and to radically accept this may be only thing left to do. My brother couldn't give that step, he's still very angry. And that's ok too.

I was estranged from my mom for 7 years because of some very hurtful actions on her part. At the same time i was doing some hard work on myself and learning to forgive myself for mistakes I've made in my life. Then i realized if i was going to forgive myself, i needed to forgive her. She was likely doing the best she could with where she was at with her own demons. I reconnected with no expectations, and it went really well. Shortly after that she got very ill and died. I'm so thankful i was able to have some kind of closure before she went

It’s never the children’s job to fix the relationship between them and their parents

This one hit hard for me, I went from age 18 to now(age 28) not seeing my dad, only the occasional text every couple months checking in. I had a moment similar to this one maybe 2 years ago, and decided that I wanted to try to repair the relationship, mainly through phone calls and more consistent texts, since we lived about 8 hours apart. We had last spoke on father's day of 2023, and had made plans to finally see each other on 4th of july, and he passed away a week before the 4th, and never being able to see him again sucks. He was only 54 and wasn't in the hospital, so it wasn't anything I saw coming. I know all situations are different, but from where I'm sitting, as bad of a father as my dad was, not reconciling sooner feels like the wrong move.

Why yall gotta make me cry at work?! This is my same situation…

FORGIVE YOURSELF!

I’m not crying you’re crying. 😭

Leaving my toxic Dad behind is one of the most constructive things I ever did for myself.

My father was in prison for 20 yrs not a good father by any means but still my dad will be 10 yrs this dec he’s been gone it made me an amazing father to my 4 boys love u pops

Great advice!

My situation is odd. My father was around and in the home, but he was emotionally absent. I never once had a conversation with him. I would try, but all his responses were one word responses. I literally never felt seen or heard. I always fantasized that on his deathbed, we would finally have a heart to heart, but even then, he just looked right through me like he always had. It was such a puzzle to me. I never could figure him out. I never knew anyone who had a similar situation.

shoutout to the fathers that never raised us

Sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a $5 bill I never understood you then and I guess I never will

Reach out to your dad. You don’t want live with the guilt you are feeling. Do it for you not your dad. At least have that final conversation if needed. Since you feeling some guilt I would say reach out to

It is hard. But remember, forgiveness helps you.

I disagree with dr John. Take him for what he is. He’s your dad. If you’re thinking you’ll regret not making things right before he dies then chances are you will.

I would tell Cole, your dad made his choices, alcohol & depression won out over his child. Children grow into adulthood, there are no do overs when a parent chooses to be absent during the child's milestones. Then, the child becomes an adolescent, then, hopefully, an adult. Being there is so important, being available, tuned in is so important. Children need their mothers & fathers. Although 3 of my 4 children choose to not be in contact, I know I gave my all to them to help them have the skills to go into the world as adults. All 4 are happy, healthy adults. Educated, kindhearted, in the careers of their choosing. The one adult child who chooses to let me be a part of her life, doesn't understand her siblings any more than I do. I focus on her, lavish my love on her, give her my time. Focusing on who I do have instead of what I don't.

i wouldve loved to have a dad take me to baseball games every few weeks or whatever

This is my story… I finally did reach out and my dad died 3 months later. Make the call.

Saying you gotta take care of them and feel bad for them just cuz they’re old now is like not seeing the fact that when you needed to be taken care of they didn’t have that same heart for you . they didn’t take care of you when you needed it, so why am I supposed to feel bad just cuz they got old and need taken care of

Growing up with my father in prison for 20 years, I was determined to break the cycle and become the best mother to my four boys. His passing ten years ago marked a turning point, pushing me to seize every opportunity and succeed for my family's sake. Today, I am blessed with $60,000 every week, allowing me to provide abundantly for my family and support God's work and the church. For Your glory, LORD! HALLELUJAH!

My dad had to be a shitty father so that I could be a good father to my children. Or so I like to think.

Some of this could be PAS. Just saying

PA I don’t. Reached out to try and get his gma’s phone number and got a sob story followed with “I’ll send you money when I can” Sir? I haven’t seen you in 18 years. 😂😂😂 didn’t you owe like 72k when I was 10? Keep your money.

I’m basically same situation but but 10 years earlier, and this definitely opened my mind about my situation.

WHAT IF, instead of believing that is a bad thing to be abandoned by our Dad, we think that it was the most blessing gift from them to us? I do really believe that my father's absence was the best for me, after all, he's a narcissist.

After years of therapy and self care, I forgave my father for my own peace of mind. I cant do anything else. But ive reached out millions of times. I cannot force him to want me in his life. So ive accepted that he wont be in mine, and that I need to make a life for myself and my future kids thats free from abuse, absence and pain. I do hope he walks in and we can talk. Because deep inside i want my father to know, to understand how much i needed him. But i cant unless he walks into my life at some point. Unfortunately he is full of pride, he may never walk into my life. And i can accept that. But if he does, i hope he can see that ive done well for myself and the family im growing will never feel any pain that i felt as a child. I hope he can look at me and know that his horrible actions could not break me.

I can't feel any guilt for not talking to my dad, but I'm not gonna force myself either. He didn't force himself to be with us, why would I?

There seems to be lots of estrangements these days. Family is important. Try to patch things up.

This was an amazing call. My parents aren't really in my life- they are more like acquaintances than parents and I never even considered asking a friends parents for guidance or wisdom. That gave me so much hope.

I’ve tried forgiveness and it didn’t help only made things worse. Forgiveness is not always the answer. Sometimes the answer is mourning the death of your parents even if they aren’t dead yet

No respect is due to someone who didn’t respect me

Sometimes even bad examples can be helpful. My parents and my wife’s parents had very bad, loveless marriages. In both cases it was mostly because our mothers were bitter, angry, and selfish---but our fathers hung in for the kids. When I was young I synpathised with my mother's complaints, but as I grew older I saw how false she was, blaming him for everything and putting contradictory demands on him. My dad and my wife’s dad were imperfect in other ways, but they were strong and held their families together. My wife and I decided we weren’t going to make each other miserable like our parents, so we had a happy marriage. Sometimes even bad examples can be helpful.

My dad left when I was 3, met him when I was 20. I literally don't even think about him unless I see a video like this. Just move on people. Stop holding onto this hate and anger. It really isn't worth it. Having kids is hard, I have kids. I understand, even if I disagree.

Some fathers just don't get it. You were the child and he was the parent that wasn't there. It was not your responsibility to step up to the plate. My dad did the same thing. He didn't have a clue how to be a father. He thought he worked and was a provider and that was enough. It isn't enough. When me and my siblings were young and my parents were going through a nasty divorce, he apparently was angry we never called him. WHAT? We were also going through the nasty divorce with them. We didn't want to upset our mother or we'd have to face her wrath. It had nothing to do with not wanting to call him! And just before he died, he told me he had never seen my stepmother drunk. WHAT? That woman bought Scotch by the case and would fall off her chair in the dining room at dinner. I didn't argue with him, I just let him have his delusions. He was clueless and in denial and he was never going to change. Some people should never have children. My mother was the same way. The two of them wanted a large family when they got married. Both of them never should have had children. If you want to have a relationship with your absent father, have it and be kind to each other. But don't expect him to change. Just accept him as he is. You have to let go of the idea that he'll be the father you wanted him to be. Let all that go.

And still there are no compulsory courses and exams on how to be a good parent. Some churches provide workshops, and people get counseling when things are going wrong already. The neglect and abuse of children is just heart-rending.

Watching this kind of videos so i can continue healing my father wound to be the best man and the best social worker I can be feels great! Feels like im not alone!

I made mistakes as a divorced dad, didn't handle it right. Thx God my adult son's are in my life today.i wish Dr J would have more grace for parents who messed up I guess it's a call in show not a therapy session.

Grew up with a Dad who never spent time with me as a child. It’s traumatized me. I was told at 15 to get a job if I wanted money. I had to get out at 18 also. I will never forgive my dad. When I had kids 11 years ago. I made sure he had limited access. Also I spend all of my time with my kids. I make sure I post pics of our vacations and every event so my dad will see it. It took till I was 40 to not hate my dad. I am neutral with him now. At 49 my dad is 78. He knows I will not be there for him when he gets in bad health. I told him this. When I told my dad why I hated him. He never apologized. He gave me a speech about growing up poor. And his Dad would beat him and he was a drunk. My dad told me. He made sure we never had to lift a finger and had private schools. Told my Dad. That had nothing to do with you never spending time with me. I will never be like you. I tell my kids how much of a dirtbag my Dad was..

These kids moms need to be accountable for their part in these situations.

Why do they re uploading the same videos all the time

You realize how much better you have it than billions of people who have lived before you and are living now. Also if you find true forgiveness you will realize how bad it is for you to not forgive. "Absent father"? Come on, look around the world for 2 seconds

People need to understand that it's OK not to make a mends with a father who was absent and didn't care about you growing up. My father physically abused my mother, and he was an alcoholic. When he died, I didn't go to his funeral. I have a family of my own, and I was there for my children.