How do you know when your marriage is over?  

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If one person doesn’t want to work on the marriage anymore, it’s over. I asked my ex boyfriend what is important in his life. He answered, making money, going to the gym, working hard. He didn’t mention“ I want our relationship“, or „I want a partner“ or anything like that. I knew.

My husband broke my ability to compromise. I'm leaving. I've given and given and given. I work full time, take care of our son full time, do all the chores and cooking... NOW that I'm leaving, he's "working on it". He's doing a good job, but it's just too late. 10 years of this crap. I don't have anymore to give. Even if he's "perfect" from now on, even the most perfect relationships require compromise. I just can't do it anymore. I'm not going to bother with any relationships after this. Any man I would be with would have to give on damn near every issue at this point, and that's not a relationship. That's not fair.

I would really like for you to do a video that outlines how to recognize if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was in a marriage for 15+ years and I didn't realize I was being abused. There were no bruises or broken bones, no sexual abuse or anything telling. But he wore me down over time until I was no longer recognizable with words and actions like throwing objects at the wall. Once I asked him to leave, it only took me 2 weeks to feel like my old self again. I researched and recognized all of the signs of an abuser... afterwards. I would really love it if you could help others in this situation to recognize what is happening because I never knew it was considered emotional abuse until I was out of it.

I had a priest tell me, that marriage need regular checkup just like a car. So once a year at least you should see a counsler/therapist and talk about your main isues in the relationship and how you should make it better.

When I got engaged to my husband, his Aunt took me aside and said, "Remember this, remember this feeling, remember the reasons that you love this man." And I can never see myself with someone else, and my husband has helped me get through so much of my traumatic experiences, that nothing he does can or will make me leave him.

I think neglect is also a good enough reason to leave

It's over when you feel disgust for your partner.

This video is really good. Sometimes when your partner "doesn't want to do the work," they are unwilling or incapable of communicating that, which leaves the partner who is desperate to fix the relationship feeling crazy and unable to find healing.

I saw a local counselor near the end of my marriage, unfortunately it was not quality therapy, and maybe it was already too late. My husband cared more about his comfort than mine. I was sick, because of his emotional abuse, and he couldn't even see it. I even had HIM apply the ointment to the spots on my back I got from the stress he caused me, he still couldn't see it. He blamed me for my own unhappiness saying it was a choice. It was an MD who turned the lightbulb on for me, when he told me my various ailments would only worsen unless I did something about the stress. That was an OMG moment. Visions of the movie "Alive" in my mind. Marriage ended 9 years ago. SO I think if your health is seriously jeopardized by your marriage, it's time to go. If your spouse wants to keep you in a metaphorical cage, and won't let you have friends or family, time to go. If he tells you can't leave without his permission, time to go.

Revisiting this video...I've heard advice from "other" RU-vid channels that if you're considering divorce...that's one sign your marriage might be over...but also to consider what your life would be like a week...a month...a year...2 years...5 years...with or without your spouse. If you'd be miserable without them...then you try to convince them the marriage is worth saving. If the answer is you'd be miserable with them...then you know for yourself the marriage is over...

Thank you for this video. It was helpful. Recently realized my husband is a narcissist and has an attachment disorder. He has been verbally abusive most of our marriage. Will be married for 25 years. Been a rollercoaster. In the process of leaving him. When he is nice, it is hard to do but I know it is an act. This cycle has gone on the whole marriage. I'm finally gonna be free very soon.

I find intolerable to be with someone who nearly always has to be right and/or rarely ever apologizes or admits errors or mistakes. Another mysterious nono is when I have a feeling that I don’t know the person better with time. It’s as if one year later I still know as much about that person as what I learned during our first weeks together. I wonder why this happened and if it was something that I brought about.

Would you do a video on living with a partner with depression and anxiety disorders? I’m struggling finding resources and my husband’s depression can really effect my own mood/ my own issues

Marriage Story is so heartbreaking because you can see that there was a point they could have worked it out.

They are putting their comfort above your own

I have lost the purpose. There was no space to love him. He didn't need anything from me really apart from intimacy. I wanted to give by doing things for him. But he managed all by himself. And I became depressed more and more. We couldn't figure out ourselves what is wrong exactly. Our 14 year relationship could have been saved but only through the therapy. Please don't wait before it is too late to fix.

I don’t know if this is the place to say this but here it is. My dad left my mom when I was 13 out of the blue. It was painful not only obviously for her but for myself and my sibling. I didn’t realize how traumatic I think it was, however, until I realized that “Easy on Me” by Adele is about her justifying her divorce to her son, and I unexpectedly started crying. Always take care of yourself, but if there are children involved, please think of them too. Parents often say, or at least my dad said, that children will get over it, but from personal experience, they don’t. Anyways, I hope everyone is well and thank you for reading this comment. Thank you as well to Jonathan and Alicia and Mended Light for this video. I think I want to show it to my partner, as we are currently on a wait list for couples therapy after breaking up and getting back together - and we are also Cinema Therapy fans! Thanks again.

I’d love to see a video on setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Thank you for all that you guys do here on Mended Light :)

My husband and I just separated a month ago after a deeply traumatic first year of marriage during COVID. We both desperately want to work it out, but I can’t even be ok a room with him anymore without having an anxiety attack, so I’ve been avoiding him for a few weeks. It’s so incredibly heart breaking wanting to accept love and affection from someone who just makes me feel like I’m dying a thousand times over and over again. It’s also incredibly bizarre.

I know speaking from previous relationships in the past when it came to the point where I would absolutely dread just being in the same room as them on a regular basis, I knew that the relationship was in crisis mode and it was time to make a serious change or leave

My husband and I are polar opposites but Alhamdullilah we have made it work so far. We both have very different ways of handling relationship problems hence some of the journeys we have to do alone - My approach is to openly and honestly discuss the problem and what we can do, while he prefers to sit it out in silence and try to make changes in the future based on assumptions. But the three columns (appreciate, tolerate, dealbreakers) is such a good idea as a grounding exercise! it so easy to get overwhelmed with emotions during a tough season. I realized I have more on the appreciate collum than tolerate. Feeling more grateful and love. Will definitely go back to it during hard times.Thanks so much! -

So I want to thank you, this video brought me a lot of peace today. I've never been married but my parents got a divorce when I was 10ish. This helps me understand that my parents were in such a stressful relationship that they chose a divorce to end that pain. I'm not saying it was a happy or stable choice for ME, but for them, they are both in happier marriages now.

Thanks for your compassion in this Jonathan. I am recently divorced, and I felt seen in this. I really fought for our marriage, I really loved my husband. However, he is an alcoholic. I was in denial about it in the beginning. He would get verbally and emotionally abusive when he would drink a certain amount. He would tell me to leave, or that he wanted to separate. I just took it for a while. He would apologize the next day and seemed to be taking efforts to grow and heal. When that wasn't happening we were good friends. However, the cycles never stopped. Therapy dispelled it for a while, then the pandemic hit and things blew up. The last time he was drunk, called me names, and told me to leave, I couldn't take it one more second. I left... on July 4th...that's some cosmic irony. I realized since that we were trauma bonded, and I was just as addicted to the relationship as he was to alcohol. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but now nine months after leaving, I know it was one of the healthiest things I've ever done to leave a toxic situation. Watching this felt helpful in letting some of the grief flow. If you don't already have videos on grieving divorce/relationship could you make one? I could use some support. Glad I found your channel. Also love Cinema Therapy. :) Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

I'm going through exactly this situation right now. I love my husband but we don't fit. I've known for years and now I understand why. I'm so relieved and happy to start moving on with my life.

Thank you! The three columns (appreciate, tolerate, dealbreakers) are a good idea to communicate. We had misunderstandings when I only communicated appreciates or dealbreakers, but not what I'm tolerating. "You don't agree to any compromise" had been a valid statement, because I went into the "dealbreaker negotiation" with the absolute maximum I could tolerate. Also, showing what I appreciate more often is both harder and more helpful than I'd have thought. Question: How do you not mess up your kids when the parents have very different parenting styles? For us, it results in having different implicit rules, which we can discuss, but also we execute the consequences very differently. Like, "I need to be angry when it's serious so that they understand it's serious" VS "I show and explain to be calm even if it seriously upsets me"

What's surprise me the most in this video is the word "concubine". In my native language, it means basically common-law marriage. A long-term relationship, living together, but without getting married. In English, it looks like a member of a harem. I wonder how the word changed meaning in my language and whether it means something about how we really think about relationships.

#AskATherapist What to look out for when considering if a parental relationship is worth mending? Background: While I've never had to worry about my primary needs (food, shelter, clothes), I've never had a loving relationship with my mother. Like a true tiger mom, she was focused on academic results and if I failed in her eyes, it would always be my fault. I don't doubt that she loves me in her way, but I don't feel a connection with her. Recently, she has been diagnosed with stage IV cancer and will most likely pass within a year. I make sure that she has the care that she needs and manage her health situation, but I feel reluctant to try and connect emotionally. I'm scared that any attempts might lead to the deterioration of the solely functional relationship we have now and leaves me with a worse memory of her. I apologize for the heavy subject, but I hope that you can share your insight. Any advise from other commentators are welcome.

I actually wonder what do you mean about dishonesty? Cuz i think even though my husband doesn't keep things from me, he's not very sincere about his worries, feelings and stuff. I used to apreciate the fact the he seemed not to be afraid of looking vulnerable bc he says how much he likes/loves me, but since i started to demonstrate insatisfaction on our marriage, he takes it as criticism and acts like he doesn't want to lose me, but he also doesn't feel like working on it bc, for him, there's nothing to be fixed. I'm seeing problems, i should be the one trying to see things differently. That kills me! And I know that if we split, he's gonna be the one being sorry the most.

I love your voice don't ever quit this job. And the wisdom.

Realising I was the only one working on it, when I thought it was a partnership. Underlined by a divorce being demanded (yes, demanded was the word) on the bedside while both my daughter and I weresick... Only later did I realise HOW abusive it was and that narcissism was at play :( I shoukd have left rather than stick to what I was taught; divorce is not an obtion..

I've been watching Cinema Therapy for ages and love it, I never knew you also have your own channel until today. Really like what you're doing here. Gonna spend my sunday doing a deepdive through your videos :D

Very good video. We don't check the usual boxes but I do feel things are very uneven at times. Saw you on cinema therapy! :)

Great video! It took my husband awhile to get help for an addiction, but he was white knuckling sobriety and doing his best to be a good husband... which at the time felt like not enough, but in hindsight it WAS something! Life in recovery is so awesome!

I love your videos. One of my best friends (Emily Rasmussen) introduced them to me a few months ago and as I've been going through the aftermath of my own divorce they've helped so much. Through this experience I have painfully learned that the relationship should be separate from your love for your spouse. That was my ex husband's problem: the lines blurred too much for him. I think that your love should fuel everything else but, to comment on where you said, "All you need is love is a lie," I believe you can't have one without the other. And I think a video on how to draw the line between: building up the relationship, and focusing on your love for your spouse when you're going through couples therapy could be extremely helpful. Thanks again for all you do!

I love the videos, especially Cinema Therapy! Not even married, just enjoy watching these

Fantastic video! Thank you for posting 🙏

Your work is so supportive and appreciated. Thank you for doing what you do.

You always have the best insight and you are so genuine! Thanks!

A very helpful message delivered in a compassionate, caring and soothing voice. I like that you empathized with the situation your audience might be facing at the very beginning....thank you for this message!!!

Thank you for posting this video. This is so helpful. I'm going to show this to my husband (hopefully he doesn't take it the wrong way lol) and get us to work on our list to see were we feel in our relationship. Then take it to counseling if needed. Thank you so much.

Excellent video, thanks.

What should we do when someone os not willing to go to therapy with their partner because they say they don't believe in it? Without going to therapy, there is no way of mending because the communication is not there and they end up saying hurtful things... Is this a lost cause?

Very insightful and meaningful. Thank you 🙏🏼

You are an angel, Jonathan.

This is so helpful in my life right now... thanks for making this video....

Thanks a million

These questions can apply to any relationship😁

I'm not even married. I will use your list with my partner. We'vee had to deal with a lot. It's put unnecessary stress on us both. It's been a real challenge.I've left twice temporarily.we have 2 bubba's. I'm a step mumma as well. I'm only 23! We are Actively trying still. And there's been improvement!! This list may help.Your videos are insightful. Thank you :D

if nothing changes I could still be happy. That's a good one.

Yeah. I realize today that we came too late to the therapist. Today I'm getting a rocky divorce, but I also know this is for the best, as I've learned the painful way about the deal-breaking column, and to stand up to that, to not accept that even if I wasn't without fault myself.

What about being in a marriage when you both have kids together and one person WANTS to make the marriage work and doesn't want their spouse to leave, but the other person is unhappy and has been for awhile and doesn't want to stay?

I believe that basically our growth of character as an individual, which only we are responsible for, is the purpose of our life. So, to me, the question to ask about any relationship is, can I follow my path of personal growth better with this person in my life, or without them? It takes character to stay in a relationship, and it takes character to leave. Either way, we don't get to abdicate our path of personal growth. We just get to choose what feels like the most supportive situation for it.

Habitual lieing.. yet he is working on himself.. but it came down to me being the only one wanting to be in the marriage and trying to build anything positive. I finally realized that I at the very least deserved to be with someone that wanted to be with me. He was just married still out of obligagion

Lost a marriage of 37 years. We were very young when we married and got some things wrong. We waited far too long to seek help. I am revisiting this one-sentence comment one year later to add a few things. If you are in a marriage and both partners believe in a permanent commitment, barring abuse or infidelity, working together to restore the relationship to a healthy place is best. While this video points out when making such an attempt would be monumentally difficult, I would still say to make that fight. In my case, I am in a much better place today, with someone who is a better fit, both of us armed with a road map for success, but even with an incredibly bright new future life ahead, there is also enormous loss as a result of the divorce that cannot be wished away. The loss of the marriage impacted nuclear family relationships, extended family relationships, career path, lifestyle, housing options, and retirement. In light of the potential loss, I return to my initial statement urging everyone to seek help early. There is great value in learning what makes relationships fulfilling and applying that knowledge daily together.

My question is if one partner has asked for therapy/growth for years and is finally over trying but the other partner is finally and genuinely ready to try is it worth it?

I'm living in a sexless marriage over one year now and has been a problem most of our marriage. Two months here then maybe every three months and kept getting longer from there. It's devastating and he's ok with it. I'm not. Our marriage has been through a lot for sure. Mistakes made on both sides and we did counseling and things got a little better and I went through six years of counseling dealing with past trauma.. he shuts down when things get hard and says he's in his 50s and tired of everyone taking from him was his reasons for no sex. It hurts a lot. I love him but I can't stay in it and pretend the problem away. I just can't.

I know I’m late to the party, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to broach the subject of couples therapy with a partner. I’m in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, and we’re about to have a child together. While our relationship isn’t necessarily suffering, we definitely have some communication issues that I want both of us to be aware of and move past. So, I wanted to involve counseling, but I’m trying to avoid making him feel like I’m accusing him of doing something wrong by asking for it.

I know you guys do couples talk and I don't know if it is possible but as a disabled parent I would love to see a couple who deals with disabilities/chronic illness. I happen to have Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis as well as having Bipolar II, ADHD, and C-PTSD. I know you've done videos about dealing with trauma but I think it would be nice to see a family that looks a little like mine. I guess.

I love my husband and consider him to be a great friend, but he's been borderline and sometimes past that emotionally abusive to our kids and though he claims he's trying to be different, the trying only lasts for a few days at a time. I think I'm at the point where even if he could actually make a full turn and never do it again, I don't know that I can ever regain the respect I once had for him that went out the window when he started calling the name calling.

NO you didn't! You didn't just throw Adam Driver (with Marriage Story) at me X'D Ahahah I didn't see that coming. I could and should have but, .... wow.

Is this also fitting for unmarried relationships?

Can someone pls list their tolerances and non negotiables pls for me bcs I was in a very toxic relationship before and was gaslit so much that I don’t even know what is a healthy request anymore 😢

I really should have expected this video to be hard to watch 8) Thank you for it though.

What do you do if someone keeps involving you in their relationship? I recently found out that they are getting a divorce and part of me felt like it was my divorce. I’ve moved away and stopped contact for months because of all the abuse that was bleeding into my days, but I’ve learned I don’t want to be in the middle even if I can offer a voice of reason.

Sorry for the nitpick, but... 4:20 *They're (1st one, 2nd line) Great video though. A very informative and very important topic to discuss. Thank you for making this. I was talking to a friend about this just a day ago, so this was really helpful. Gained a lot of insight on the when and how of a sinking ship. I know the video mainly discussed marriage, but I'm assuming these rules apply to other kinds of relationships as well? What about non-romantic relationships?

would really like to know more about partnership and finance. how to keep balance in the relationship and at the same time balance the economy. at least once a year or more often my partner spends his share of his savings on himself and only himself. yes it is his part to do what he wants with. but it also means that if something happens, an accident or something in the home needs to be fixed I have to pay for it all!! we really do not have much money, and it scares me that no matter how much I sacrifice. and save every penny I can, I feel it will never be enough. if anyone has tips on how I can feel better / safer, that would be great.

So I think me personally, I myself made a choice that I dont think was true to myself. I got married and I dont think I really wanted that, but forced myself to do it, and to like it. How do I now set things right? I really dont think I can do this marriage. It sucks the energy right out of me. We're going to live apart from now on. Having just the weekends together, maybe than marriage will be okay than. but Im in big doubt. How do I do this if I still really think it isn't going to work?

the person who doesn't want to work on themselves is my mom....i completely agree but i can't leave her. i'm too lonely otherwise. i know it's pathetic but i've tried and i just can't. how do i find the strength? bad oxygen is better than none.

#AskATherapist What to do with vastly different libido from your partner?

Doesn‘t that go for relationships as well? Or how do you see a marriage to be different? Of course, you have a piece of paper and made a vow but it’s still a relationships, isn’t it?

NIN was right, Love Is Not Enough.

Honestly, you should be done if you can’t stand to be in the same room with them for more than 2 minutes at a time From now on, all of my relationships will only be for one night

Does emotional abuse count? Cause I think my marriage might be in trouble if that’s true

I feel like I haven’t even been in a marriage. He won’t look at me or touch me. He looks at porn and buys cars/ car parts. He tells me I am in charge of my own happiness. I have gained over 40lbs feeing worthless and unloved.

There are a lot of other things in the family that can make you happy, perhaps you should not always look out for your partner to make you happy. There are kids, a home, security. All very valuable. Sometimes you just do not have the choice to leave, so you must make yourself as happy as you can. Get a job you like - or at least keeps you busy. Get nice friends that care for you. Play with your kids. Care about yourself. There is no use in whining all the day. Sometimes you just have to get along with what you got.

Haha I had a boyfriend who after he initiated the relationship, insisted that we were incompatible and I only wanted him for his schlong. So we stopped sleeping together and simply skied together. We lasted about a half dozen ski trips. Just us wasn't horribly bad, but with a third skier, he could not stop being an asshole to me. It's like he had to prove to the other guy that he wasn't in a relationship with me to such an extreme, the other guy jumped to compensate, and we both soon stopped even texting him to go skiing again. He got so pissed off that this guy and I went skiing the next Saturday without him, he called my rf id reloadable ski pass in as stolen, so the gate to the lift went red light, and I had to give security all of my info, including the time and amounts I had just reloaded onto it the night before. Now his season pass is suspended. Don't f$#@ with me.

She won't kiss me, won't touch me, won't be physically intimate, won't have sex. declining for 15 years (about 2 years after we adopted 3 children), less and less for 7 years and nothing for the last 8. Perimenopause and menopause are a factor - but she simply won't seek medical support - going to therapy, but she isn't invested in anything except making all of this about me instead of addressing her intimacy / touch anorexia issues.

Heiraten? Das ist Luxus wie sie davon sprechen. Aber möglich. Können Sie nach all den Klienten überhaupt noch Lieben wollen? Liebe ist frei, Liebe erwartet nicht Liebe zurück zu bekommen. Bevor Liebe wachsen kann Was muss! Da, da sein beim gegenüber? Besteht mein eigentlicher wusch in der Tiefe eigentlich nicht viel mehr ich selbst sein zu dürfen? Geht das überhaupt mit einer 2. Person? Oder ist das schon die Abhängigkeit? I like you.

3:24. Im a big fan of your channel. But man.... i think something i feared most is infidelity. Not that I am insecure about this. Its just that once a couple is married, if he/she decides to cheat, everything is 50/50, divorce will most likely happen. If my spouse/wife ever had infidelity with another man while we're married. Its literally over. Once that trust is breached, it is very VERY(not saying its impossible, but close to), hard to breach that gap.

I strongly disagree with the statement that when someone says “I don’t think therapy can help me” means they don’t want to do the work. And I think it’s dismissive of one’s feeling of hopelessness.

honestly I hate so much that I'm watching this

I am never a fan of divorce. If someone is abusive, send them to jail and apply for conjugal visits. You do not have to live with someone to be married. Getting divorced just because passion is no longer there, for example. A marriage is a lifelong contract, including having witnesses. Unless fraud was involved, said contract should be binding, unless one had an affair or something. Ideally, people should be working together to meet each other's "needs", reasonable needs or unreasonable. Unreasonable being shallow things that still trying to meet would be act of goodwill, like accommodating one's OCD rules or meeting the other's financial concerns (reasonable being staying within one's means, unreasonable being demanding excessive wealth).

That's a ridiculously easy question to answer. . Did you get married? Yes. . Then it's doomed, and you should get it annulled or get divorced as quickly as possible. . Humans are not a monogamous species. Most species that are, have a very specific physiological adaptation that makes them so. It's not "love" that does it. We lack that physiological trait. Sociologically, there are a few reasons for a monogamous relationship, but most of those are conditional and only arise out of our grotesquely broken cultural norms. Eliminating those detrimental cultural aspects would likewise eliminate most of the rationale for getting married. Emotionally, there's no reason for marriage at all. The fantasy that people are meant to be together has caused more pain and trauma than most of history's wars. It has, in fact, caused some of history's wars. All emotions are explicitly and exclusively transitory states, and cannot ever be permanent. Any attempt to make any of them permanent, or even merely extended and/or more frequent, is extremely detrimental. Feel it, and then let it pass. Our lack of acceptance of this fundamental neurological fact, leads to lethal assumptions about happiness and love that have given unscrupulous individuals an enormous amount of power over everyone else. The sham wedding industry alone steals billions from the population every year, and offers only social instability and mental health issues in exchange. . Everything about relationships today is still about possession, about fixation...about maintaining certain conditions well past any reasonable timeframe or status. People need to learn to stop holding on, and take much more seriously the (somewhat childish) adage, "if you love someone, let them go." Everything always changes, and resisting that change is fatal. You can roll with it, embrace it, dance around it...but you cannot, ever, stop it. Love is no different. You will fall in love, you WILL fall out of love...over and over. Trying to force a relationship to exist in those times of "out" is nothing but harmful to both parties (or "all" when in a poly situation). Part of the problem is when one individual is still in love, while the other is then out of it, and that makes it harder to let go of someone, but it must be done. That said, more often than not, neither is in love anymore, and the one who thinks they are, merely doesn't want to give up their possession (or be given up as the possession). We center our lives around this idea, and without it, we feel unfulfilled...and that's dangerous. . It all comes back to the reality that all emotions are temporary, and are strictly transitional from any one state to the next. We fixate on happiness, and so we have grossly warped ideas of what happiness is, and how to attain it...and worst of all...we get this notion that if you're not happy, YOU have somehow failed, rather than the fact that it's physiologically impossible to be constantly happy, no matter the conditions. If you're not in a relationship, then you're not allowed to be happy, and if you're not happy, then you're a failure. That's our society's mindset today...and it's beyond wrong. . Be happy when it's appropriate, be sad when it's necessary, be in love when you bump into someone special, and miss them when things go apart...but never cling to any of it. Flow, bend...move with the moments. Take them in when they come, good or bad, and let them go when the moment passes. The harder you hold onto anything, the worse things will always get. Love and relationships are not excluded from this. . Marriage is a sociological disease of human civilization.