No, it's not ok to blame your spouse for your adultery, not even in your mind. Not true. They were in the same marriage and did not cheat. Cheaters cheat and blamers blame. Growers grow and communicators communicate. Prayers pray and pleaders plead. If your spouse did something to cause you to cheat, then they could have also stopped you from cheating. You cheated because it sounded funner and easier than growing and maturing and communicating and suffering and praying and patiently getting on the same page as your spouse. The point about the cheater having empathy and compassion for the spouse they betrayed is an excellent point and necessary for the betrayed spouse to heal.
I don't think he was saying it is "ok" (based on other podcasts he's given). Rather, I got the impression he was saying, if that is where where the cheater is at, then they need to keep it to themselves! Hopefully the cheater will grow, just as you suggested, and not continue in that false state of mind. I agree with you fully that it is never a true / ok to blame the spouse.
This guy is right on the money with everything. I feel like I’m going through this “as the victim” and I see all the signs he is point out to the T! Now hard part is getting your spouse to understand this.
The shock I felt was so severe, my heart broke. I was diagnosed with psychological trauma after handfuls of hair started falling out, which lasted about 9 months, and emotional anxiety and deep pain consumed me. Betrayal by my love, at 10 years of marriage was the most painful experience I’ve endured. I still have not been told what caused him to betray me and have a secret life for 6 months. So we’re kind of stuck still, 1 year later. I didn’t feel true remorse it was more of just trying to make me get over it and “get back to normal” we are starting the boot camp and it is helping but I still need the reason as to how this happened to move on to the next stage.
Maybe my spouse is in pain but when you are going through chemotherapy and your spouse is not there for you but sending gifts to another woman for 3 years it doesn’t get much worse than that
I am sorry that you are going through it. But trust me there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Weather you are with your spouse or not but your life is more precious and please take care of yourself and don't let anyone hurt you.
Are there any videos on how cheating is abuse? My husband refuses to believe that cheating, lying, putting my physical health, putting my safety at risk and risking our children's well being and lives by bringing them into his affair is somehow NOT abuse.
Honestly I have expressed my feelings over and over again. The more videos i watch the more I want to kick his ass out. Yes, i am still angry and hurt so why would I continue to allow it happen forever???
maybe it's time to do exactly that. if he's not going to do any work, then it may be time. here are two helpful articles to help you with that or with consequences: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
If you want to see an eloquent example of the inner state of a betrayed spouse over time, through recovery, I recommend to you "On the Journey" by Elaine VandeReis. Very illuminating for the unfaithful spouse to read.
Never felt that pain.....couldnt eat for a week...i knew it was unhealthy but just couldn put any food in my mouth without getting nauseas...lost 20 lbs...
That was me the first time it happened 28 years ago couldn’t eat. Found out two months ago he had an emotional affair. Doing the boot camp by myself he just tells me to pray and move on
Does anyone else think that if your spouse is constantly texting and talking to members of the opposite sex that they are in fact cheating? Mine does this to me while I am sitting in the same room. He knows that it bothers me, but he continues to do it and accuse me of not wanting him to have any friends. We have been to multiple marriage counsellors and he brushes the whole conversation aside.
i'm not sure you're asking me but since you posted, I'll graciously give you may own .2 cents. the fact is, if he is doing it and you're not enforcing any boundaries or consequences, he's going to keep doing it. you have more power than you think, but only if you act and draw boundaries and lines around your life. if he gets to keep doing what he's doing, and there are no consequences, why would he stop is the question of the hour i fear.
I have literally the same problem and I won't put up with it. If he wants them he can be with them. If he wants to be with me then they go away period.
My wife had an affair and did none of this. I was the one who found the couple’s therapist, who showed patience and empathy when she was racked with self loathing, and then two weeks after D day she called it quits and said she wanted a divorce. I think what hurts more than the affair is the lack of remorse, the lack of e patchy and compassion, and the betrayal of all the promises and commitments we made to each other for years and years. She’s more interested in focusing on herself, on her selfish needs and desires, than anything to do with our family let alone me. I don’t know how to square that with the person I thought I knew for years, with the person I loved so much.
I have been trying to find info or sharing of similar type of affair. I am an American living in Australia with my Australian husband of 5 years. When my husband found out his ex-wife was dying, he did not tell me that he went to see her in the hospital. They had been married 14 years and the marriage was dysfunctional...drug/physical abuse...but intense. Then by the time she got out of the hospital, I was in America for a month visiting my family - especially my 25 year old grandson who was dying of brain cancer. While I was gone, my husband took her 3 times to doctor/hospital appointments and then they were intimate. When I got home to Australia, he stopped being with her because he said he couldn't lie to my face. I was home then 4 months and went back to America for one month again to see my grandson. While I was gone he saw her 2 more times -intimately - and then she died. When I came home, he disclosed to me what he had done - saying he loved me, that he told her he would never leave me for her and that he knew she was dying and that the whole situation was untenable. I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar situation. He has never been unfaithful before and he says he will never do anything again - I do believe he won't. My heart is broken but I can't find any info/resources/sharing that addresses an affair that has similar parameters - dying ex-wife. HELP PLEASE....
I am the unfaithful. I am curious as to how should the healing process start? I know that it differs from one person to the next. Just wanted to know if proofs should ever be discarded, kept or what not? Does it help to discard or keep, or does that depend on the situation? Do you have a video maybe that could enlighten me more than you could explain? Thanks in advance.
The lack of empathy, and godly remorse is spot on. The list; was spot on as well, and sadly my husband ‘spends 90% of his time saying all the right words but in 20 months, has never walked those words out for longer than a couple of days. I started to send this video to him, but it’s on your list... “letting him initiate recovery work”.... but he hasn’t taken the initiative to follow through on his own. Maybe a little help and more explanation of the difference between saying I’m sorry, and “owning” the things that were done. My husband repeats to me and everyone how he has taken the responsibility, he says I’m sorry a lot, but his actions, and defensiveness speaks differently to me.
What does it say about the spouse if they are able to keep up with loving you while living the lie? I could not recognize that there was an issue because we were still intimate, going on date nights, saying that we loved one another. It was as if there wasn’t anything going on and I’m confused.
it's very normal RJ. I'm sorry that it's so tough to digest, but it's a very normal type of thing to do as they are living somewhat of a double life. are either of you getting any help at all?
I forgive her but i still feel hurt like she doesn’t care about my feelings after 15 years why throw it all away 🤦🏽♂️ and she really hides her feelings so hard...i still feel like she still talking to the guy I really don’t know but she wants me around but why to hurt me more is it really done all these questions smh pray for me.
This is what I had to hear, as an unfaithful , I want to learn and work hard to win her trust and heal , I know it’s going to take a lot of work but I’m willing to do what it takes.
