How do you stop MASKING your Autism? 

The autism diagnosis is simultaneously an awareness of who we are and an identity crisis.

I think this is such an important topic. I am in my 6th decade and still undiagnosed (officially) After many years of unconscious masking and with some degree of Alexithymia, I really struggle to have any sense of who I really am. I feel like I am just a collection of characters that I have invented to suit some particular occasion, like a closet full of old clothes. I would urge everyone on the spectrum to think often about what they actually feel & like & want, and try always to keep a hold on who you really are. It’s work, but we have to prioritize it for our own sake :)

I was finally diagnosed out of the blue at the age of 46. When I learned about masking, realized I was doing it and not only that, but that I was REALLY good at it... I'm a master... I had an existential crisis. I had serious self identify concerns... But after a conversation with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I think a lot of our concerns about masking are overblown. If you really think about it, everyone masks. Even neurotypical folks. They want to fit in to, and nobody is totally 'normal' naturally. So you pick out the traits that you think make a "good person" and emulate them. So it's not even like you're faking some stranger... You're emulating your vision of the ideal person... Which is a noble goal, and really it's how you turn yourself into a better person overall. The problem isn't the masking, the problem is that those of us that were undiagnosed as we got older, we were lacking some very important information when we developed our masks or strategies for dealing with life. So some of our habits or strategies can end up being unhealthy for those with ASD... Because we didn't know we had ASD when we started those habits. So we're in this weird position where we have the wisdom of age, but that wisdom was built on some false premises. So now, later in life, we have to reflect on some pretty basic things everyone learned in grade school/highschool, and relearn how to approach those things. As far as I'm concerned, we all mask, and we always will. It's part of life. But the way in which you mask changes depending on your world view. If you have ASD but don't realize it, you're going to create the wrong kind of mask. One that can cause you pain. Because you built it off the advice of folks who didn't have autism. Now that you know you have autism, you have to go back over some pretty rudimentary life skills, and rethink how you approach those situations with the new found knowledge that you have ASD. I used to say I hated people, they were all dumb, I didn't really want friends. But that was just a mask I'd put on to make it look like I'd chosen this fate for myself. Yes, it helped me save some pride by making it look like I was right where I wanted to be, but in reality, I really did want more friends and disposing that outward image wasn't helping the situation. Now I can just say "I have ASD, it makes socializing hard for me." I don't have to hide the fact that I tend to piss everyone off because now I know, it's not my fault, I'm not being a jerk, I really don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't have to be ashamed anymore, and now importantly, now I have new knowledge that will make dealing with that situation a lot easier. I've started going to autism meetings locally and oh my God, prior to those meetings I'd never been in a room where I felt like I belonged and was understood.

Please don’t stop singing! I also often find myself singing sentences, often repeating things I’ve heard, but not in public. At one point in my life, I had a diagnosis, pre-DSM-V, of Asperger’s Syndrome. It is only recently, by watching relatable videos like this, that I have begun to identify as being on the Autism Spectrum.

I think for me I'm so used to how it feels to mask that I now think that when I search for my "authentic self" I approach it like looking for a mask that feels more "me". But I think the key is to truly take off the mask. It should feel like nothing. It's not "trying to act more genuine" it's actually not trying to be anything. I just think many of us have masked for so long we don't know and can barely conceive of what that would feel like. It's like if you've never had to get naked to change clothes, you could just "poof" be wearing a different outfit. All our lives we've poofed into the outfit we think will fit the situation. Even when we're by ourselves we still have some kind of outfit on. So we don't really know what it's like to be naked. And to the extent we can picture it a little it sounds super scary and vulnerable and like everyone will judge us. But that's what I picture needing to do (metaphorically, not literally going out naked in public!). Yeah. Hope that makes sense!

I’ve only managed to unmask in front of my daughter and any new people I meet. But with people that I knew before my diagnosis when I was masking heavily, I just can’t unmask in front of them. I actually try to avoid them because I can’t help but mask for them and I really don’t like doing that any more.

Another important thing to think about when we're talking about masking is that I think we often do it to try and please other people. I think that right there is the entire reason why I do it and why I didn't think of it as "masking' -- it was just trying to be "agreeable" in my mind. And it's hard to get out of that mentality and start thinking things like, "What would I be doing right now if I didn't have to please everybody else?" Would I be silent instead of making small talk? (YES). Would I be looking somewhere else instead of making eye contact? (YES). Lately, I've been avoiding eye contact altogether and it's been very freeing. It's helpful to shift into that mindset where I start to consider, what do I really want to do in X situation. But it's hard because non-autistic people think that looking them in the eye and talking to them is how you show that you like them. And it's like, if you are an agreeable person, it's very distressing to think that someone might not like you, especially when it's not at all the case. It is a super tough question, and it was also a great video on the subject.

For me unmasking is happening by layers; 5 years since my diagnosis and I'm getting closer to being the real me. Masking has caused so much mental and emotional trauma and a compete identity crisis. The fog is lifting more and more each day and for that I am thankful. Is it hard work, absolutely but so much better than the alternative. I still struggle with figuring out how I'm feeling or articulating how I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing this topic and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us. 💜

FINALLYYYY someone who relates to not fitting into any social group. I hate categorizing and compartmentalizing people bc I know everyone is unique but I always feel like everyone I meet always fits into about 10 different subcategories I've created in my head and I don't fit into any of them, I don't want to say I'm "not like everyone else" but gosh it really FEELS like I am not! Almost everyone reminds me of someone else. I admire the most the people who I've never "seen" before in anyone else, people who feel truly original to me.

This video helped me a lot more than one of those "3 ways to unmask" videos would have. Just being honest and real is so powerful. Isn't that what unmasking is? You are showing us that. It's beautiful, by the way.

I agree Claire, it is very difficult to remove the mask because it is difficult to know what is masking and not. I find if I feel I am forcing myself to be a certain way or say something in a specific way, then I am masking. When I am not masking, it feel more effortless. But also, some things are so ingrained, over time, that it becomes natural even when it really isn't. I am sure you get what I mean. ;) Either way. You can only controll your own opinion of yourself, not of everyone around you. 😘

Makeup has always been a physical part of my mask when going out in the "real world". It's my warpaint. Great video Claire! ❤️

I also use my glasses as a barrier

The hardest part I think for unmasking is imposter syndrome which I experience alot. 😕 and I think alot of people experiences are similar.

I love your intro. Keep singing and being your fab and wonderful self. If you do things that others find annoying, that's on them, it is their problem not yours. I love your videos and your honesty. The more I read and watch stories and experiences of how autism presents in women, the more I believe that the reason I am the way I am is because I am autistic. It all makes sence with how i have and do experience the world, and have done for the past 47 years.

I found this channel through Orion. So glad he gave this channel a shout out. I am also a late-diagnosed female on the autism spectrum. This was such a wonderful, helpful video!

So refreshing you are! First, I think it's 100% right on track for you to not know exactly who you are right now. I am in the same boat. I am only 1.5 years into diagnosis and I had 33 years of masking and trying to prove I knew who I was & impress everyone... so of course it takes a significant amount of time to untangle all that and re-examine the self to figure out what you really like now. I will say I think you are super unmaksed in your porch coffee videos and I adore those! I feel like I can really see who you are and I think she's awesome. Also, a big part of unmasking for me has been accepting that some people will always be annoyed by me, won't like me, won't get me etc. Because all of my masking was to fit in and be liked, I am finding this part to be the hardest to be ok with and feel safe with. It just takes a lot of time and practice and reminding myself that I like me, I am ok exactly how I am and if people don't jive with me, that's ok, those are not my people... there are soooo many freaking people and I can only interact so much anyway, so why am I trying to get everyone to like me? its exhausting. I also think it's important to remember that we all change as we age and go through different phases in life so checking in with yourself and making sure you are doing things because they make you happy is a life long process and it's worth it. I am just trying to be extra nice to myself these days and be ok with whatever parts of me that show up. trusting myself finally instead of looking to others to validate my existence & experiences is my hard work right now. I think it's natural for unmasking to take time and experimenting to see what feels good and what doesn't won't happen overnight or just because you read a few books, ya know. And also remembering that every autistic person is different, so our unmasking paths will all look a little different too. p.s. I put on glasses when I need a little extra buffer too

Lol. I can’t stop singing your intro either! Every time I hear ANY creator say “like and subscribe”, I INSTANTLY sing out loud “hit the subscribe button, ring the bell” Woodshed Theory Style. It drives my teenage daughter crazy, but I can’t stop either 😂💕😊

Thank you for sharing so openly as always ❤ First off, NEVER stop singing 😅 I sing along every time and then it sticks in my head for the rest of the day! I always believed I had a strong sense of self but my identity was always based on my special interests or the people I was surrounding myself with. I joined a group of women a few years back where we’d meditate and sing and share. There was one meeting where we were asked “who are you?”. Never have I been so stumped. Everyone answered with such ease and with pressure to dig deep and speak my truth I became very emotional as I realised I had absolutely no idea who I was. I left the group shortly after as I felt so out of place. I still don’t know who I am and it fills me with an emptiness that only my special interests can fill. But I am trying day but day to let the mask slip and become more aware of the person that’s been hidden for 34 years. I feel like an adult baby 😅❤

Thank you for this. I was just diagnosed last week and I am feeling overwhelmed emotionally. A lot of what you said really resonates. Also thank you for showing me an example of how to respond when someone says to stop singing. I do that too and have gotten those kind of reactions and it just knocks me down. I love your opening and get it stuck in my head all the time. ❤ thank you for showing me that it’s not like a quick thing. I’ve been feeling like I should be able to just drop it, but like you said, I don’t have a good grasp on who I am right now. Big journey ahead I guess 😅 always love your videos! ❤

It is a very important topic, thank you so much for addressing it! I'm late diagnosis as well (at 36 I think). Sometimes for me unmasking is becoming aware of not-doing something that I would like to do, checking in with the why ("because one does not do that" "because the other people might think..") and then giving myself allowance to do it anyway. That can be asking an awkward question, or fidgeting, or makind myself more comfortable, or.. But that is still not "all unmasked", of course... and not always an option. But becoming aware and making it a conscious decision does help, I feel.

"Stop singing" XD That's honestly one of my favorite things about your videos. Please keep doing it :D

Great video, Claire! Never stop being yourself, no matter what anyone says. I have spent my life confused about who I am because I would mask so much. I would always come home after hanging out with people and think “who was that, that wasn’t me, why can’t I just be myself?!.” I was always exhausted. I remember any time I would be myself people would say “why are you acting like that? YOU’RE SO WEIRD!!!”. I remember how much that hurt but I wanted to fit in so I would just go back to pretending to be like everyone else. A diagnosis has helped me to get some answers and I am more secure in who I am than I have ever been. I still struggle and I still mask but I also allow myself to leave places when it’s too much for me.

I'm 53, and have learned recently I am on the spectrum. It's been quite an astonishing revelation to learn that everyone doesn't have different personalities they'd put on for different situations. I just assumed everyone did that! I never discussed what I now know is called masking with others, because I thought it was the way everyone just coped with different social and work situations to make other people comfortable and to seem like a likeable person. It's interesting to me that I've always been aware that some of my 'personalities' (masks) are more exhausting than others to put on, but I never knew it wasn't the same for most people. I just figured it was something people didn't discuss because it's not polite (or something?) to talk about how you're suppressing most of what you really think and feel.

Hello Claire. And as an Autistic male on the Autism spectrum. I try to mask. But it never works out for me. The slightest sound like a police car causes me to have a meltdown out in public. Or like if if I have to go the doctor having a doctor touch me causes me to have a meltdown. I am very easily set-off buy sounds or people I don't know touching me. And I cry very easily. I used to try and hide my Autism from everyone. but when I have a meltdown so easily I figure it is not even worth trying to hide who I am.

Hey Claire, another excellent video for what seems to be a particularly personal topic for members of the community. Regarding "masking for videos", I think that people may confuse masking with acting (or are perhaps more critical) - why would you not want to create a well produced video for your community? However, I love the charm of Porch Coffee and the intent of that forum. Personally, having received a diagnosis much later than you, I still find the mask useful for both myself and those around me. That being said, my masking process was always accompanied by an attempt to predetermine every possible question and answer for an impending social interaction (doctor visit, working with clients, friends, etc). Having subsequently been told that this is not "normal", I gave myself permission to drop this behaviour and I am considerably less exhausted at the end of a day. Yay for incremental improvement! With regards to collapsing at the end of the day, Orion Kelly has an excellent "Coke Bottle for Autistic Adults" video that explains this behaviour really well.

Hi Claire, this video is so precious and I appreciate the fact there aren't quick and simple answers. Unmasking isn't so easy, so thank you. I'm still masking because it's dangerous doing otherwise. My legal recognition is still far away, but something is finally moving. I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I want to thank you for your mission and compassion.

here are lyrics to a song I wrote called "Just Be Yourself". People always act like those are magic words that make life simple and everyone love you. But as soon as they tell you to just be yourself, they add a few things you need to change/tweak to make you a little better. I thought I was me already. Yo ho, yo ho...it's a parrots life for me Just Be Yourself by Mike Finelli I am looking at a xerox copy of a framed photo of a parrot puppet in a mirror that you gave me, to tell me, 'cause words failed, to stop being you the echo hurts your ears and it's nothing new So I'm not sure, what to do now, but make a copy, and hand it back to you so when you look at it, you can see I'm still confused All my life I've been told to be myself and they'll like you and she'll want you just to stay true oh just to be you But I'm not sure that we've been introduced. Me, this is I I, meet Me Has anyone seen myself? We'd love to meet who I'm supposed to be so I can tell Myself I was told to not be Me That I is a scared impostor You're who I already thinks everyone sees Just be yourself But change all of these things Just be yourself But a little more like me You choose each moment Simply decide to choose to be Just be yourself But don't swim in your sea You're too passive way too aggressive Dummy can't you land somewhere between?! You try too hard and you think too much if you tried thinkin once you'd know just what I mean Now go be yourself And you'll be worry free Oh, it's not working then change the you you bring But be yourself only with less and more of every single thing Can't wait to tell Myself when I find Myself Until then, Yo Ho!, Yo Ho! it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me another me to try to be another mask for you to see it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me

+WoodshedTheory *Masking is inherent to females, thus the medical profession misdiagnosing despite the obvious sensory issues.* More female-specific studies need undertaking..

I just realized that I had autism last week. This week has been very tough because now I’m hyper aware of my masking. It’s sort of kept me from doing it because now I’m thinking about it too much. I want to interact with people and need to for my job and not masking for the last week has been making this very difficult.

Last month I was utterly confused about masking, when my roommate brought it up about my autism. So I've been watching several videos about it. So this video is very helpful. I think my true self is the person who likes to wear makeup, I've always really love makeup and hair. A lot of people I know always try to get me to have a bare face, and be natural.. but I like crazy eyeshadow colors, and once again people say I'm masking, because I'm too old to look "weird". But I am weird, and I embrace it. So having said that, that is me not masking. Masking for me is not coloring my face and hair. To me I'm a canvas I like to paint on.

WE ARE THE SAME. I CANT STOP SINGING EITHER. SO MANY REQUESTS. CANNOT OBLIGE. I'm so happy I found you

wow, those glasses be popping on claire

I love the singing! It’s so catchy. It’s super inviting and unique to you. It’s also consistent which I love. This is your channel! Your channel, your rules. 😊

What a great video and a difficult topic. I have seen so many autistic people say that you have to take off the mask and for me, I think that’s a bit drastic. I was late diagnosed as well, so have spent most of my life masking. Like you, I’m finding out who I truly am, little by little and I feel comfortable unmasking for the most part…but it’s with people whom I’ve always felt comfortable with….other people, I mask for small periods of time so I don’t feel drained. I have to admit that during lockdown I felt the most peaceful I have in a long time. Why? Because I was hanging out with my husband, who loves me just as I am and having FaceTime calls with my kids, one of whom is Autistic and the other one, just a beautiful person who loves me unconditionally. I do have FOGO( fear of going out) more than I used to but having that time being around these three people, loving me as I am has taught me and allowed me to feel more comfortable and confident being the true me.

When I was outspoken in work as a newly diagnosed autistic, I was told I was too much. So back to putting on the mask for me

Yeah, I feel that! It is no wonder that I was misdiagnosed with a personality disorder before my autism diagnoses. We take on this persona that gets us through life, depending on the situation. How do we undo that? What I have done is tried much less hard to “fit in.” Eye contact is not something that I force anymore. I am now okay with spending more time alone and/or at home. But it is so hard to simply “unmask.” I don’t know if I will ever fully know what it means or how to fully accomplish that 🤷🏻‍♀️ Oh yeah, I had the weird and nerd labels, from a very early age. I tried to fit in, but I never tried very hard.

One of the best videos I have seen on masking! I love the honesty and the fact you were not trying to pitch a 3 point plan.

I would sorely miss the gingle.

Love your glasses! ❤

I was only diagnosed a couple of weeks before Christmas (I'm now 52) and have done a lot of reflecting. I remember growing up trying to do what the other kids did but because I didn't really understand how, I was always called out for being a try hard and strange amongst other names. I was a problem child, I didn't know how to act socially, my processing delay caused a lot of issues and when I would get home things would get worse as I literally unraveled as you put it. Even as an adult I never really knew how to be accepted. Even when I tried my hardest to appear normal, there were always people who picked on me and I never knew why until now. I was taught about my attitude as an adult and how I needed to change it in order to keep my job. My leader was very kind and taught me so much for which I am very grateful, but this was really the mask that I have been wearing for the past 5 or 6 years. Now having been diagnosed, I don't want to put the mask back on, but at work, you're expected to behave in a certain manner despite their claim to support diversity, they don't really. I'm now trying to work out who I really am, I suspect I am only the combination of a bunch of hyper obsessions but not much more. My eldest who is autistic does not mask at all, she's 17. She is apraxic which means everything that is in her head comes out of her mouth completely unfiltered. We are trying to teach her to try to filter what she says, but don't necessarily want her to mask either. We don't know what to do there. if anyone has any advise, it would be very welcome. love your videos Clare.

I absolutely enjoy your video intros. I look forward to your singing. Thank you for all you share with us and how you do it.

I saw a girl at work and thought wow claire is so just herself grounded and self assured no pretence i feel like that is rare so now I am following sit and not pretending to be vivacious and likeable like my work colleague who is also a claire....thanks claire she has no idea how i admired her groundedness

I'm not diagnosed, but I know I have traits and I know I mask. My mother is schizophrenic, so as a child I learnt to wear a mask both outside and at home, because if I didn't act normal maybe they would think I was ill like mum. At 14 my dad told me he wasn't worried about me any more as I was too much like his side of the family (this is a man who has spent 70 years obsessing about steam trains and has since had a grandchild diagnosed autistic - my brother's son - I have some suspicions!). His comment told me I was right to have hidden myself away but I remember thinking at the time he doesn't know me, so maybe he's wrong. I'd just been showing him what he wanted to see. Now at 30 something I still have no idea who I am - I still mask for friends and family. Since learning about autism I recognise myself in a lot of what I hear, but felt there was still something wrong because I don't know myself. Sorry for all the background, but I wanted to explain why it's so reassuring to learn that unmasking is a long process and I'm not alone - and maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Thank you! Don't stop singing unless you want to stop singing, you do you xx

Sorry, but I couldnt watch through to the end. i appreciate you talking about this, but it just brings up too many bad memories of school. By the end I had given up and started deliberatly trying to push everyone away. It was easier to be the weirdo that nobody liked. Dealing with the isolation and lonelyness was somehow easier than the constant stress of trying to fit in.

Just diagnosed at the age 40+ after a big burnout. I am still at the level of digesting the news and getting overwhelmed from not realizing the obvious all those years. Now they will start medicine for anxiety and depression first, and just started therapy. My body falls apart from stress and I do not even realize I have anxiety till they tell me I have anxiety. How am I gonna understand if I am masking or not, too much work is waiting for me. I see that autistic women are very different, we do masking and seem normal. I really liked your channel, it looks genuine. Also thanks everybody for all the comments below, even my best friend does not know it yet since I left the country for a while. (I am not a native English speaker, sorry if there are typos or so)

This is so affirming thank you for sharing your experience with us

Just be yourself... for the most part it meant, just accept having no friends and being bullied. I found that unmasking is about circles, and the wider the circles the more of a mask I put on. You are such a brave woman. The best place I could be me was as a leader, and then the label of weird was seen as alright, creative and strange... Thank you Claire

I loved this video! Thank you for sharing your experiences. Brought me to tears! 🥹💗 I could relate.

I just wanted to say don't listen to anybody who tells you to stop singing I thought it was silly and it made me laugh a little 😆 besides it's about you being you and I love to see people being authentic with themselves. Self love is the most important love.

Before I can figure out how to unmask, I think I'm going to have to figure out how I'm masking. I'm not diagnosed yet; however, I do find bewildering the idea that neurotypical people wouldn't transform into a professional persona at work. My colleagues are completely baffled as to how I stay so even-keeled at work no matter how much chaos or pressure. Should I even tell them what's in the secret sauce? Thank you for being vulnerable, Claire. You are my hero. Please don't ever stop singing!

Incredible video. You aren’t alone. No one is here. Your words speak so true

Claire I have an experiment for you to try in regards to The Who am I really? (Who is this person behind the mask??) 1. Get to a Target or Walmart, some place that has a toy section. 2. Find the Barbie doll section. 3. Walk up and down , observe the ballerina Barbie, veterinary Barbie ect. 4. Realize how good Barbie looks masking in all of her roles. 5. Understand that even though Barbie is a multi masking super hero doll no matter what her outfit or accessories she is always just herself. *the label on her box doesn’t change who she is 6. Pick out your favorite Barbie bring it home 7. Use Barbie as your visual que to remember to take yourself out of the box (a label can’t define you)and play life the way you like best! Also Barbie’s real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts just a fun fact (can u guess my special interests 😅) Hope this comment was enjoyable 🎤

Thank you for your thoughts. It's really helpful to hear other peoples experiences. I'm new on the journey of discovering myself, but old(er) on the wheel of life. I've often wondered who I am, really. I found you from the discussion you had with MOTS and subbed right away. And I enjoy your singing.

I’m in the very beginning of my journey and hearing about your personal experiences was so helpful 🥰

Thank you so much for sharing that. It really helps to hear that. Especially the dramaqueen part hit me. And crash down after work/social situations is still happens to me a lot. Hearing that relives me a bit🙏🏻

I used to be in choirs in my schools and a couple of gigs at my church. So I always appreciate good singing when I hear it and judging from my layman’s-as opposed to a licensed teacher’s- training, you have a very good mezzo-soprano voice. Have you considered joining a community choir? I’ve never had to do it very much myself. Though I’ve since realized that random whispering is my main stim. I know that I’ve annoyed more than one person but, like with your singing, I have to get it out or I’ll explode. Sometimes I’ll even be doing it and not be fully aware of it. It’s one of the hardest lesson I’ve learned as well. But we can never please 100% of the population no matter what we do or say or don’t do or say. Being everything to everyone is impossible. There’s this saying that goes, love yourself first and then the right people will. That is, the right people for you. 🙂

I have only embraced autism via a self diagnosis, recently at 58, but in general people start to unmask in their 40's and women especially in their 50's. Neurotypical or not. My unmasking looks a lot like honouring my inner 5 year old. She's the part of me who defiantly says, "I don't want to!" (Hear a snarky tone) She's the part of me that will start the meltdown when i am trying to hold it in. It's being honest to others about your reality and limitations. You may want to have a response for them, but you need time to formulate your words. "I'll get back to you on that." It's admitting that you are having to be inconvenient, in order to participate in interactions because you need things a certain way in order to function. It's admitting certain people, by their very nature trigger you. I have finally, made that work for me, without having to suffer. One women who comes in part time where I work, initially caused me meltdowns. She was loud, moved fast, and gave orders. I couldn't handle it and it caused me melt downs. Luckily I have an understanding boss. The first time, it happened I did what I usually do find the smallest, most distance job and do that, but I told my boss why I had to do it. I broke down boxes and swept floors for the rest of the day. I also, and this was huge, told the other person, who is actually a very talented and upbeat person. "You are fine! It is me!" without explanation. Since people like to avoid what weirds them out, it was enough for her. Her occasional presence has triggered me a couple of times, but I make a point of interacting with her when i am not triggered, telling her, I like her work, and "It's me, not you, trust me on that." I am sure my boss has since told her I am on the spectrum. My boss knows I do not adapt to sudden changes in routine well, and gives me time to rally. I really didn't want to be working anymore, as a women in my late 50's or being neurodivergent, but this job has helped heal so many wounds from my working past. Knowing how many times neither I nor the people who had to deal with me, knew what to do with me. Another thing I learned, is I can really only socialize as a teacher or information provider, or boss. All other conversations are more difficult and I am not very good at them. Admitting your not good at something is an important part of unmasking too. Luckily my job is working in a garden centre and I have education in horticulture. In my volunteer work, I coordinate a community ceramics studio, and my other education is a BA in Visual Arts and I am professionally a ceramic artist. In both scenarios, I am quite confident and comfortable most of the time. When I do watch people, in the ceramics group for example, go into a closed conversational bubble and are having a lot of fun, I feel like an outsider, but I remind myself, it's okay. It has no bearing on me, and I actually do not enjoy that kind of thing anyways. I also accept that meltdowns will happen after situations like that. Its a release, and it's my normal. I kind of had a head start with the ASD diagnosis. (I was diagnosed with ADHD and Fibromyalgia) I started realising by my 40's people didn't like me, but a few really love me, and I am so grateful for those few. I've had one friend since we were 17. So I stopped trying to fit in, or pretend most of the time. Only my passing customers get a masked version of me, and even then, I sneal out from behind the mask and baffle them occasionally, Lol. Thank you for being vulnerable, It does get better. Facing the limitations, and welcoming them, is a great place to start. Especially if you were always told how smart you are. You can be smart and dumb at the same time. And get good at it ☺

The part about work and putting down “yourself” and putting on your work face… I think I learned to disassociate from myself on a regular. I’m just learning I’m autistic at 45 and asking “who am I” is the scariest thing I’ve ever explored. Who am I when I am whoever needs to show up in whatever situation. It’s difficult to admit that I have at times even shifted my base line values to “be” what was needed in a particular situation. Thank you for having the courage to sharing in the unknown. 💕💕

Keep on singing - it is obviously part of you. Still trying to come to terms with masking, and working out how much I do it after being diagnosed on the spectrum 18 months ago at the age of 61.

I don’t know if I’m masking when listening to you talk about it. It’s exactly my experience. I also had people tell me on Singstar that I wasn’t looking at the camera enough. I know at work I was a professional version of myself and didn’t talk about my true interests like singing because I thought that didn’t come across as professional, literally my list of interest on my CV are things I thought others would be interested in. I was also very careful about talking about any personal matters which people would think badly about me like the neighbourhood I grew up in etc. I don’t know how long I’ve been masking, but I don’t know if copying people is something neurotypical people do. I had the wider categories like you but also I’d make a count on my head of how many people I saw with a certain type of clothing and would try my best to fit in but I grew up poor so it was difficult. I remember watching addicted to love with Meg Ryan in and I copied her as exactly as I could. I’ve copied others too. Even when I sang it wasn’t with the tone of my natural speaking voice. Unfortunately this reinforced my tendency to mask because I had more success doing that than being myself. I think I masked at first in my emo/punk rocker stage but I feel like that’s the style I like the most. I think I have been masking lately trying to appear like an academic though. I even have two speaking voice pitches and it’s annoying I can’t just talk normally to some people. I think my lower voice must be the real one but I’m not sure. I think I’m just gonna make a mental note to myself if something I do or a piece of clothing or colour is something I like and see where that takes me. It’s hard because I’m 37 and I wanna dress like a punk rocker and wear band t-shirts but I think there’s an expectation to dress like a mom when you get older.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's what I go through any time I let myself be introspective, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. (Though I wish that nobody had to go through it... not knowing who you are is really hard!)

If there is a song in your heart, never be afraid to let it out.

Talking about it is key not understanding what’s going on what’s happening to us not understanding that we are autistic. Learning about autism through the autism through our community. This is what else so everything that you do on this channel you’re amazing because you give yourself and you’re so authentic and you’re helping the artistic community so in actuality, you are guiding the masses and helping us all just by doing what you do and talking about this today. Just like when you learned about your late diagnosis in through the community you learned why you do what you do when your limits before we can help other people, we need to understand ourselves fully first , that’s key. Most of my friends are no longer here. They’ve committed suicide because of that having these communities I am an artistic dyslexic person. I love who I am and I love the way I think I think God for your channel and you I appreciate it very much. All your hard work. Thank you so much.

I haven't finished the video but I love the singing! I sing it to myself sometimes since words will cause sayings/songs to pop into my head lol. My coworker watches you too and we sing it together sometimes! 😂 Both of us love it. 💜

You're doin really good girl. Videos like this help me get the confidence to just go to a therapist and be honest about how I've been experiencing the world for the last 20+ years. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I truly do feel I experience things that happen with ASD individuals, especially masking and melting down. For what it's worth your singing is really great too :D You have a nice voice for it !

I love your singing and I sing along with you! Never stop!! 😊

Thank you. Your video had a very unmasked feel to it. I benefited personally because I have .come to the same conclusion as you have, there is no one size fits all answer on how to unmask. I feel lost in my own identity too! I'm 39, undiagnosed but recently self diagnosed. So I find myself wading into my own identity a little at a time, and when I find something I really enjoy, I feel like I've gone just a little deeper into my true identity and now that deeper level feels okay and I'm going to run with it. Example: I really like bouncing on my mini trampoline while watching old 90s power rangers. This is something I truly love that I would certainly mask at a social event. Or when telling someone at work what I like to do, I would definatly leave this out. But now I'm finding that I'm comfortable with that part of me because it's real. Its who I really am. I even have to tell myself it's okay to be this way, I still take care of adult stuff, I just feel comfortable in a childish way too. Just sharing some thoughts and things, your video was really good and I paused it several time to reflect on my own behaviors, past and present. Thank you Claire.

ty for this video, your sincerity shines through. as for what you are talking about and trying to figure out, this is why tony atwood's (i think it was him..) saying that often autistic people think about existentialism a lot really resonated with me. masking and all the social discomforts make us question ourselves, what is real and unreal, etc etc. in other words, totally relate to what you are wondering about too. 👍🏼

"becoming comfortable with not knowing" - what a wise insight.

💕I love your singing 😍🎶 🎼 thank you 🎵 🤗 proud of you, stay strong 💪

The distinction between the mask an one's true self is an interesting one. I find it particularly interesting, because as a metal musician, I've kind of been putting on a mask as we use face paint, and as a musician it has helped me boost my confidence both on and off stage. In a sense, I feel the stage persona become a super hero version of myself, where I'm all powerful. Of course, in other parts of my life, masking has held me back, subdued me. But over the last year, with much aid of psychedelic mushrooms, I've come to learn about myself on a much deeper level, and I now have a better feeling for what's "me" and what's the "mask".

I love your singing! You have a beautiful voice!

Thank you for this video . I am recently self diagnosed and I feel stuck in this unmasking process . Listening to your journey helped me feel better.

I love the intro! ☺️ I love the rabbit skillet

Don't stop singing! Keep singing Claire! I like it when you do it 🎤🎵🎶🎵🎵🎶👍

I loved your singing. It was fun and happy. You have a great voice. It also reminded me of my mom because she sings a lot too. Was late diagnosed adhd, and friends and family that are autistic. I like knowing how our brains work, so I can show how I care more, and not annoy or frustrate my loved ones who are autistic. A lot of what gets explained makes perfect sense once I hear it, but I wouldn't have know unless someone told me. So, now with all these videos where people share their insights, I can be a better friend to them.

I got a bit tired of hearing from my mom or others saying “be yourself.” When I didn’t know how to be myself. It’s not that simple. Kinda annoying that every time i expressed myself, it’s always met with the words, “be yourself.” It’s such a vague ish phrase and confusing. How do you would even expand from that? This vid does kinda helps on the how to unmask, it takes time to find what we like and don’t like, self reflecting, setting boundaries. Especially allowing ourselves to be deserving of be our own comfortable selves. I don’t know how to describe but yeah. Hope every one of us will keep finding those things that we love about ourselves within and outwardly.

"who is your true self". oooofff. yep. I felt that.

You know as I think back to when I was in my 20's I knew I was doing it. I remember there have been times I have said I was a chameleon. I could be who I had to be when needed. In my 20's I also realized I had no idea who I was. I hoped age would help but it didn't. Now I feel I am getting closer..I hope. Not diagnosed, I realized it about 3 years ago. I am almost 60. Thank you for broaching a tough topic. I've been bingeing your channel all day.

People who are hurting and unhealed, judge and/or criticize sometimes. What they do or say, is about them and not you. I think you are refreshing and thank you for being you :) Love your singing

Thank you so much for talking about this. I was diagnosed last year at 39 yrs old and am unravelling all this too... really interesting process.

so honest

Just saw this video. Luv it! 🦄💓💯. Found you through Orion's U Tube Chanel. I really like your videos alot. 😊

This was really helpful and I love the format. It’s nice to hear you share more casually. I had a lightbulb moment listening to your video and saw how I too was a cheerleader and then suddenly switched schools and kinda became a punker. I definitely changed my behavior to fit in with different groups and had done that all my life. I am still in investigation phase but I so relate to all of this and I am finding implementing these ideas are helping my life. I too love to sing my words. I break into song all the time. My family is musical so its not too weird for us but I know others might not get it. But who cares? Were adding to peoples data base. 😂😂😂 Thank you so much!!!

I can handle the singing if there's something shiny in the video, your glasses helped make it not so bad. You're not bad at singing, it's just high and I wear headphones because I stay up at night mostly. Love your videos ❤

It's that voice in head that watches my actions and tells me, that's not me or "what would a 'normal' person do?" Or "what an I doing this? I hate doing this, it's not me!"

❤ please don't ever stop singing. loved the video.

Great Job Claire!! Your message came across loud and clear, Claire! 😊. You mentioned traits , can you share what your particular traits are? Or perhaps it's a video that you already did and I haven't seen because I only recently began watching your channel.

When you’re singing, I do the same thing at work, especially under stress, people or believe me I vocal verbal stem I sing and repeat stuff from TV or movies, or things that I’ve watched of commercials specially, to get out my feelings that’s how I learned how to articulate and speak Getting my emotions, deep emotional feelings out by vocal and verbal stemming singing. I noticed you do that at the beginning of your videos. It’s awesome to see that is unmasking. I find that I am really connected to other people emotionally. How must feel per Betim what people are thinking and feeling truly about me and it’s overwhelming even though I don’t get when they are annoyed at me and stuff but I see it after that’s shocking I feel because we’ve been masking most of our lives I am 53 years old now been working with autistic. Children is an educational system. The school board for 33 years now the lead you name it you wouldn’t believe the things that they said about Nuro diverse children by myself, but I love who I am, I wouldn’t change a thing. I love the way I think I don’t have a problem understanding autistic children whatsoever I understand exacwhat’s happening in real time which Nuro typical people cannot do I know it’s because of my autism and I relate to what these children go through even though I’m able to do the same thing with non-autistic people, Nuro, typical children deal would probably give her head is with my colleagues, putting words in my mouth not understanding me misunderstanding what I’m saying taking it the wrong way I’m just tired of having shut downs and meltdowns, because of masking

Your singing sounds so soothing

I found this really helpful and it made me feel less alone :)

0:54 this is the first vid of yours that ive seen, i love the singing!

Thank you! 😢 I’ve my whole life been autistic in school and now since I’m 13 I’m glad that can understand and relate it makes me cry in happiness

You have a beautiful voice, keep singing 💖 I loved it! Your video helps me understand masking. Diagnosed at 65yo last year. I necer knew I was masking to survive. Bullied at home, invisible outside 🥺

I just got my diagnosis last month (at 33) and at my appointment yesterday this is something I brought up. What is actually me and part of my personality, what is the autism, and what is a mask?! So that's something we're going to work on.

I saw you talking with Orion Kelley and had to find your channel. You were discussing masking so this video is the first I'm seeing if yours. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and uncertainty even three years after diagnosis. I'm looking for someone qualified to diagnose me as I inch closer to my 50th birthday. So yeah, who am I really? Who have I been? Isn't the mask me - I mean, I chose it (or them since how I present changes situationally.) I am terrified of this process, but my self-diagnosis makes so much sense of my life. I'm thinking I probably don't mask much around my husband and our kiddo - we're all in the spectrum and couldn't be more different in the way our neurodivergence expresses itself. My son's diagnosis led to my husband's and, six years later, mine. I had to figure it all out for my son but he's a tween now and more self-reliant. The IEP stuff for school is taken care of... Anyway, I can finally seriously consider this for myself - and it's both terrifying and liberating. I score autistic af on every inventory but also have ADD, depression, anxiety, and, it seems, pathological demand avoidance. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I'd at least known there was a biological reason I was so different and weird. I was diagnosed with ADD in college, which definitely helped, but this? I appreciated that you talked about how wearing your glasses helps and went back and forth on whether wearing makeup and changing out of PJs was a form of masking. I remember asking why we dressed differently for church if God was only interested in our souls. The explanation that dressing well, being clean, etc showed that we cared, that we would put effort into preparing for church and that God appreciated that. The coolest thing was that the explanation had nothing to do with what other people thought. And while my thoughts on God have changed a lot since I was six, I still dress with that mindset and it doesn't feel like a mask because it IS a very conscious and deliberate decision. (This excludes middle and high school ;) I think about what's appropriate, what shows respect, or what's best for gardening or whatever. Even when I dress for my hubby, it's because it's a way I can show him how deeply I appreciate our marriage. Isn't it amazing how some things we're told stick with us? For good or ill. Thank you so much for being real and sharing your experience. I'm especially grateful for your singing because I do that too. And it's fabulous that you're just talking about it - no Five Tips For Unmasking crud. Those can be helpful, but your video is infinitely moreso. I think seeing other autistic people being autistic is more helpful (and sometimes heartbreaking) than any polished made-for-RU-vid video. Why? Because it helps me see my own autistic traits - I thought I was weird and even evil. Even after all the research I did for my son, I still couldn't see myself - until I started seeing myself in other people. Does that make sense? Instead of looking for traits that I admire and might mimic, I'm seeing the real me in little bits and pieces in videos like this.

Wow nice to see you today.

Please DON'T stop singing. I love it. It's you. And I get it. I bust out in a sing sing diddy at least once a day. It just pops out and it feels good.

Great video, thanks for the thoughtful content. I have female autism in my family & it's helpful for understanding. Re masking & makeup & presentation: these are issues that plague most women in our patriarchal society, autistic and non. The pressure to conform, for women in the modern world, is immense; in a sense, we are all being forced to 'mask' & hide our true selves. It must be terrible to deal w/this & also the stress of an autism Dx. Your reflective thoughts resonate for many.