How does it feel to be Trans? | vlog75 

I'm transmasc non-binary. Been on T for ten weeks, and I am happier than I have ever been. For so much of my life, I tried to woman. It did not work. Wearing formal ladyclothes made me feel like I was in bad drag. I felt awkward, clunky, very "bull in a china shop." I felt very out of place being in a group of women, as if I was wearing a mask and trying to fit into something I didn't understand. Guys were more comfortable to hang out with, especially nerdy guys because I had no interest in 99% of sports. Problem was, many of them didn't see me as enough of a guy to be one of the guys. My core friend group generally didn't care about gender, fortunately. Our weirdness matched, and that was what mattered. Everywhere else, though, I had to pretend to be something I wasn't. My mother asked me decades ago if I wanted to be a man. I thought about it, and decided that while that would be fantastic, there's no way I'd transition if they couldn't build a functional dick. Much later, I thought, "Well, maybe if they can make something almost like a cis guy's dick." Eventually, getting a "real" dick didn't matter at all-- I just couldn't keep living as someone I wasn't. I started exploring medical transition options just prior to the pandemic, and got a gender-affirming care doctor just this past summer. (The pandemic gave people a lot of time for introspection.) I spent a lot of time depressed. I'm 5'7" and built like a football player (hand-egg, not soccer). Body dysphoria was pretty strong-- I hated menstruating, hated my tits, couldn't related to liking skirts or dresses at all, felt no connection to anything feminine. I liked being relatively tall and broad, but trying to make that fit into a summer dress and feel good about it was a nausea-inducing experience. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was when I finally got my first suit! Black suit, hunter green tie with matching pocket square, I looked _good_. Felt good, too. Once I had a hysterectomy, the dysphoria was drastically reduced. Now all I have to do is get top surgery, and I'll be content. I've also started weightlifting (think strongman more than Olympics); my coach is very supportive, and is helping me shape my body to get it the way I want, while still building functional strength. There's joy, for sure. Recently, a close friend gave me a birthday card with my new name on it. I don't cry much anymore, but that made me choke up. If I'd had any remaining doubts about my new name, that put them to rest. I'm Jonah. (Also, right now, being trans feels kind of uncomfortable. I'd like to thank/cuss out testosterone for my first UTI in over 30 years. Hooray, antibiotics!)