How Narcissists Decompose When You Confront 

Nah. They recompose -- more of their BS. Narcissists have a magic crayon, a magic eraser and time travel in a magic calendar to create a new and different story as needed. There are only two strategies in dealing with a narcissist: 1) Run 2) Away.

"All cruelty springs from weakness." -Seneca

They can totally pretend to have a rational conversation when they want something from you. It's amazing how fake they can be.

Blaming another and lying to avoid punishment may be childish, but vindictiveness and vengeful attempts at destroying another's reputation and relationships is not childish. As we learn about narcissism, we need to guard against assigning adult motives to a child's behaviour. A child makes innocent and ignorant mistakes and needs to be taught better ways, but a narcissist betrays others in intentional cruelty.

May we all reach a point in our lives that we can sleep as soundly as that precious dog. ❤ Thank you, Dr. C.

I learned that the cycle of abuse in my narcissistic family was never gonna end. I had to go no contact to save my mental health. These people will never mature.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's how it is with these pyschos. So don't. Or do. Whatever. Just make sure it's what's best for YOU. 😐

My wife and attempted to calmly confront the narc in our lives and the implosion was remarkable. He accused us of being “terrible people” and that he wanted nothing to do with us. Full victim mode. If it hadn’t been so serious, it almost seemed comical. Poof. In an instance, we lost a “friend” of 15 years. Good riddance.

I've found that going no-contact is best. Being around a narc is like getting stung by mosquitoes non-stop.

Yeah. It's great having one of these people for a supervisor. You're never allowed to disagree with them, and they plainly enjoy petty cruelty.

So a narcissit is a bully in desguise. Fragile and cowardly on the inside trying to compensate by manipulating and putting down others.

Weird how "confronting" can be done by merely existing and not fighting.

Whatever they say or do, its the equivalent of saying, “Notice me!!”

“A petulant little child” is the most accurate description of these creatures! God help us all❤

Once I finally woke up and accepted this reality, it became much easier to walk away and go very low contact. They have no desire to realize their shortcomings and life is one big competition. I will not stoop to their level ever again. You are the best, Dr. C!

When I was 17 I bought the family Christmas tree. A real one. New ornaments, lights. My boyfriend and I put it up, but we had a hard time getting it to stay up in the stand. The following day I told my dad about the tree being tough to get it to stand up. He insisted I pull it away from the wall. I told him kindly no, I'm afraid it will fall. I then left to go to work. When I got home later that night (he had gone to work himself and was gone when I got home) the Christmas tree was in the backyard, still with light's and ornaments, most of them scattered everywhere. Thats when I knew something was very wrong with him. I just didn't know what. I'm 65 now and that memory has never left me.

I've confronted some narcissistic people at work: they lie, deny, shift the blame, rage, do petty passive-aggressive stuff to get you back, and/or walk off throwing a tantrum......oh, and talk in circles/use "word salad" so you are just as upset, confused, frustrated, etc. or even more so than before you confronted them.

What saved my life was going no contact with family members for the last 22 years... It's amazing how even today, those devils are bitter because they didn't get to destroy me...

Yeah, wish I’d known this a couple of forevers ago. Instead of following through on confrontations, I simply folded, placated, swept it all under the rug. That seemed like a better solution than enduring the repercussions: silent treatment and invalidation. But burying hurts doesn’t work, does it? Neither does ignoring your own needs. So at one point, I just left.

I've had more than one of them try to tell me how I'm allowed to respond to them, that I'm not allowed to raise my voice or get angry. After they attacked me or deliberately stepped right over one of my boundaries (that they were well familiar with). I laugh in their faces and say too bad, you brought it on, now deal with the consequences, you don't get to behave however you want toward me and then give me rules for how I'm allowed to respond. Delusional and controlling.

Omg... The way my ex devolved into barbaric, childish abuse and tantrum throwing blew my mind. He was so incredibly unstable. It was like watching a toddler who could cause serious physical and emotional damage have a total meltdown. Very, VERY unbalanced and wild-swinging, that guy.

Dr. Carter, I watch you often. I listen to every word. Just know, you out did yourself with"How Narcissists Decompose When You Confront." The words on the bottom of the screen are priceless especially when it comes to how WE/I choose to respond. This is decades and decades of knowledge that you're imparting into 14 minutes. This was done so well. You're awesome. So awesome.

I confronted my father when I was 40 years old after he kept showing up to my apartment for years trying to hoover me back into his ex-wife's life for another round of abuse. Out of everything I said to him the one thing he didn't like the most was when I told him to stop trying to control my life.

My relationship with my sister was always bad but when I finally told her I wasn't coming to her holiday party anymore because she always made it as inconvenient for me as possible she freaked out. Then I told her I needed some space from the relationship. She devolved into an out of control toddler. It was unbelievable how much of an over reaction. Having no contact with her for 3 years has been wonderful. I only wish I did it sooner.

called out my neighbour for being a "know it all". He immediately started projecting that I was childish etc. Within 2 hours he physically assaulted me! Now I have the power. Reported him to police. I have told him so. I have gone no contact. He cant even look me in the eye when our paths cross. Thanks for your videos.

Remember the 3 words... Just Walk Away. It's a complete waste of time and energy trying to reason with a narc

Excited for this one. I find it scary to witness time and time again. It's like breaking a smoky window and seeing all hell wide open when looking through it, but not shiny bright and fiery..more rotten, dark and broken. A whole lot of deep, dark nothing and at the very bottom a little figure in form of a toddler that wants to be comforted.

Narcissists hate ambivalence because they want you invested in their self perceived importance. Walking away is the best last word and will protect your mental and emotional health too. If they were worthy of your time, they’d realise that and we all know that they will not, so walk on by.

The mistake I made was believing the people in my family that display NPD traits were actually regulated or composed !

You cannot reason with a narcissist. From such "stay away".

It's so nice to know the last 50 years I wasn't alone. Others had this too and it's them. Not you. Your efforts really were valid. You're good enough.

oh wow, that's why I felt like I just can't say anything to them... because whatever I say, they use it to go against me.

The blame reversal is insane! Very good video for insight. Thank you!

Decompose is a good word for it. Slow rotting breakdown one small bit at a time. You don't really notice it day to day but when away from the narc for weeks or more at a time it's really obvious how bad they are starting to struggle with even what used to be basic functions of life they once excelled at.

I gave up on trying to get through to my husband emotionally a long time ago because it was too painful. His response to me wanting to talk through anything at a heart level was to walk away mad, and give me the silent treatment, which only added to my angst in trying to resolve the emotional angst I was already dealing with (I always went away feeling way worse for trying), and he wouldn't relent until I apologized, even for the things he did wrong... so the entire weight of the relationship was on me, and still is... I've just become a bit better at protecting my heart over time. The few times he did verbalize anything, either before, during or after my attempts to resolve something, he said terrible things that certainly did not line up with the fake persona he's been hiding behind... things he never apologized for, either, and never showed any remorse for... simply reverting back to "life as usual" after I apologized for everything. His excuse for not talking (about anything on an emotional or personal level) is that he didn't want to say something he'll regret... and I get that in a healthy relationship, this type of break can be a good thing... but that later, after you've calmed down, you both take time to reconcile and set things right and you both verbalize a determination to do whatever it takes to make things right... this has never happened even once in my current relationship. I'm thinking that when he says he doesn't want to say anything he'll regret later, it's not because he cares about hurting me with his poor choice of words (like you'd have in a healthy relationship) it's because he regrets showing his true nature by verbalizing those hateful words that he harbors in his heart... and hiding behind his fake persona is paramount to him... fearing exposure is his greatest fear. I'm thinking of the scenario of getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar - one person feels bad because he/she got caught and feels bad about going behind his/her mom's back and will do whatever he or she needs to do to make up for it and never do it again. The other just feels bad about being caught (for a minute), then immediately shifts gears in thinking about the way they will approach this in the future, so that the next time they do it, they won't get caught. One has no intention of changing their bad behavior, the other insists on it and will do anything they can to make sure they get away with it next time, and the time after that, etc.

I suppose narcissistic decomposition is what you've referred to many times when instructing that we observe people's demeanor in conflicts. It's a great term, revelatory. Many times, it's exactly how I've found out I was dealing with someone really unhealthy. Afterwards I've thought to myself that just wanting to bring clarity to a situation wouldn't be a big issue if our roles were reversed. Not so with a narcissist. Their whole premise for interacting with people is fundamentally different. For them it's narrow over expansive communication; while you might reflect a great deal upon how to express yourself clearly they're in fact reflecting a great deal on how to say as little as possible. I think you can even spot them in how they talk or write - lazy, aloof, self-permissive, riddled with intentional glitches and obfuscations.

Exactly. A confronted narcissist may brutally attack you emotionally or may fly into a rage. The lesson I learned is that it is better to move far away from the narcissist, geographically.

My precious late dad, Jesse Jayne , always said “ you can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that upset him”. So true!! ( that goes for women too of course) and I tell my children, be mindful of what you put your energy and effort toward… your time and your heart is so valuable. If someone is depleting you… get the hell away from them!

After my mother's narcissistic decomposing, not long after I said only three words namely 'you are acting', I thought others would see there was a problem, but to my surprise, I was once again the problem and had to be punished. I don't mind, it just took a while to become aware of it.

Narcissists are out for themselves only. Seriously. The rest of us are seen as a means to an end, the end being an enormous ego and a persona of perfection. They are so incredibly fragile. A confrontation means a narcissistic injury and they can’t tolerate it. So they revert to shockingly childish behaviour like blaming, name calling, screaming, yelling, pointing the finger back at you (I know what you are but what am I?!), dodging accountability. So sad.

This video touches on one of the biggest challenges i face daily with the narc in my life. The dynamic is so toxic, I'm left bursting at the seams with frustration and resentment that corrodes my character and leaves me completely disgusted with this person. He used to be collaborative, receptive, and brought an attitude of reciprocal regard to conversations where there was conflict to be resolved. He was sensitive to my feelings and appreciated constructive criticism; these mature and admirable qualities contributed greatly to my affinity for him. Conversely, when he had a complaint to voice, or a helpful observation to share, he did it respectfully and with kindness, which i appreciated. Fast forward 8 years, and the nightmarish deterioration of our relationship has become a burning dumpster fire devoid of any trace of healthy conflict resolution. The gaslighting, justifying, shame dodging, blame shifting, victim playing, and poo flinging he brings to any conversation that requires maturity, self examination or diplomacy is done with a COMPLETE absence of empathy or objectivity. Listening to him talk and try to justify the inexcusable or invalidate every thought i have makes me sick. I have zero respect for the way he thinks, responds, and behaves. Where did my friend go? How can someone change so drastically? Was he totally faking it for those first couple years? I hate him. And i am beyond disappointed in myself for allowing this dynamic to continue. Thank you for examining a topic that i am struggling with so desperately. I find your videos tremendously beneficial to returning to a place of Dignity, Respect, and Civility!

This man is so insightful and calming 💖

Narc gone out of my life set free

Dr. C. If I live to be a 100 yrs. Old, the Narcissist will never amaze me again. They all follow the same playbook. They are"All" users, and after years of exposure I have learned when it's time to cut and run. 9 yrs of putting up with a difficult self centered daughter in law is enough. Her fragile ego and grandiose outward attitude has alerted me to the A Typical signs of a Narc. In spite of the fact I do enjoy spending time with my Grands , I refuse to be used and invalidated any longer. Time for Emotional Detachment to be implemented . Thank you for your wisdom once again!!❤

I find they have all the power. Every thing always has to be on their terms. If not, they drop me. Even my own so called family.

What is also confounding is the fact that THEY FORGET exactly how horrible these infractions are and expect everything to go back to normal once they no longer want to continue the narrative. I don't think "feelings" have anything to do with it. Their aggression serves a purpose (for them) and when they've moved on they expect everything to be as it was before their explosion. It really does underscore the fact that they have no feelings (which is why they have no empathy) and emotional response is really irrelevant to them.

Dr Carter, thank you so very much! Your videos have given me a proper perspective on things such as this, where I was always made to believe I was at fault. Now I see these realities as they are and no longer completely manipulated by them. It is still a learning process but getting better every day. You have blessed me in a huge way. Again, thank you so very much! You are doing the Lord’s work and saving people daily from lives of bondage🙏

Nothing so enrages my father as being confronted with undeniable proof of his actions. He insulates himself from the harm he causes with denial and when put in a situation where he can't protect his ego with lies, he punishes the truth teller. The last time we ever communicated, he told me that he was blocking me and suggested that I change my change name. Since then he has messaged my mother and told her that I've made him miserable for the last 50 years and yet I'm only 49 years old, which is very telling on a number of levels. They are selfish, dishonest, and without conscience much like a toddler who hasn't yet developed self awareness or empathy.

20 years in a relationship before I learned about NPD and BPD. I feel trapped in this marriage and am confronted on a daily basis with my shortcomings. I want to get away but there is too much entangling us. But each day I get closer to making that sacrifice in order to save myself.

Dr. Carter thank you for explaining why a narcissist cannot be trusted while we are being reasonable when allowing for imperfection in ourselves and them. Now I understand that trying to maintain a healthy enough relationship with a narcissist is an almost impossible goal in life

i tried to confront a narc it didnt go so well the narc went in a rage and blamed me i learned the best thing is give no closure and walk away you cant deal with one

"You seem to forgot". My mother's favorite words. She'd leave me hanging and then blame me for getting anxiety about her lack of time management.

Dr Les I saw exactly this when i confronted my then wife. She was a child internally and then admitted she didnt know how to behave. But she had plenty of empathy for herself if thats not a contradiction. She didint want a partnership she wanted control. I got out, with dignity, but it was very upsetting.

I'd be curious to know how a counselor such as yourself deals practically (actual verbal responses) with an individual you're counseling when they decompose in your midst. That might help folks. Thank you for your videos.❤

My narc hoovered and asked me to reel off his shortcomings so that he could learn (he was secretly seeing if I was worth continuing to manipulate or whether I had too strong of a mind) I didn't realise he was a narc at the time, I was discarded 2 weeks later and the reason was for being who and how I am, of course Accepting that in order to engage with them in any relationship means they will not allow you to have your own perception or narrative or any kind, unless they consider it unimportant, which is why sometimes they allow it, is where I am at No thank you! You are my favourite on the subject Dr C and I thank you for your work. You are a true credit and treasure to survivors.

It's strange how unpredictable these individuals can be on when they have a meltdown. Just when you think they may lose it and you've been walking on egg shells, simply they don't. I am learning that it can be over a minute matter which leaves you thinking, where did that come from 😳

The intro reminds me of something my narcissistic ex used to say: “People who really love each other never argue and never fight” What complete BS.

I remember i was in the car once and i confronted my dad about something and i could tell it was making him uncomfortable but it was really important to me and he just started speeding up and wouldn’t slow down we literally got pulled, I’ve never been so happy to see police in my life lmao.

I call myself 'the foolish one,' though I don't beat myself up. I had a long friendship with a covert narc. I finally set boundaries and then, I started to really make a "push," no doubt seen as a confrontation with me, or, from me. Sure enough, the decomposition hit. Not in seconds or minutes, rather, it took a month or two earlier this year. Exactly as Dr. Carter describes here. The end of March, I finally went 'no contact.' Don't miss him at all. Saw him at a social gathering a couple of times. Is he ever ANGRY! And, I say, GOOD! He can get as angry as he wants!

My ex narc did this I think. During my liberation and multi state move these past few weeks I've discovered my older sister has some narcissistic tendencies. She actually bullied me a few days ago. I don't want to break contact with her, but her mean words were hurtful. It seems like you're always having to suck it up with narcissists.

It's particularly interesting when you watch them decompose in a court setting in front of a judge, and then wonder why they lost (and blame their lawyer).

It's incredibile how this is so precisely describing those sick dynamics. I am still in denial this is possibile, though I have experienced it, and fought for asserting myself, over the last 2 years. It feels like a nightmare that dynamics like this exist

As always, thank you Dr. C. Great video. Having the sad opportunity to withness this decomposition you speak of, I know I have the happy choice of who to engage and spend my time and energy with! I choose peace.

One of your very best videos, Dr.C. I owe you such a debt of gratitude for helping me break away from toxic relationships.

My ex punch the wall and blamed it on my daughter and I. That was the last straw for me.

Holy moly DrC. For as many times as I have been accused of making "everything a competition" when all I've been doing is stating clearly all of the things I handle and that a partnership requires input on both sides. It's just a projection of his viewing it as me calling him a looser isn't it?? It's all just a projection of his internal turmoil? I can't tell you how many times I have said no, neither of us can win when we both don't participate It's supposed to be a team!! We are both supposed to work together toward the wins.

The last time I confronted my narc about our kids - I behaved very poorly. I’ve gone no contact because I need to stop this trauma bond. I’ve gone right back to where we were years ago, before we divorced, and I don’t like how quickly I lost all the work I’ve done on myself since the divorce.

My sister is 8 yrs older & a total narcissist. She acts superior, & only what "she" says, goes. She is controlling & manipulative & so is her husband. Sadly their 3 grown kids shadow them. We cannot deal w/them, so as far as me & my Family are concerned, they don't exist & we are much healthier for it.

There was a party game where each person gets a series of written questions. One question was "Describe your spouse in one word." I described my spouse as sensitive. My spouse described me as ruthless. ... Thanks for the videos, after years I still want validation that I wasn't mistaken, that my spouse (now ex) really was that bad, that impossible.

I lost my keys. Have had more help and kindness from strangers helping me find them. My narc spouse said”it shouldn’t have happened.” I didn’t respond to that.

My opinion: It's like trying to nail jelly to a wall. These people are impossible, shape shifting chameleons. I haven't even watched the video yet 😊

I confronted the narcissist. At the time i didn’t know I was dealing with a narcissist I thought I was dealing with a bullying type of person. It started off calm with indirect/subliminal commentary and boy did it escalate. I triggered some major narc injury (unknowingly) by saying some very direct and honest things and boy are they relentless. It never ends. It’s a literal “for life” kind of mentality. She still gives me dirty looks and tries to smear campaign and do the whole thing over the argument that happened 2 years ago lol. Everything Dr. says is spot on. Blame shifting, immaturity, lack of composure, looking for your weakness/insecurities, not acknowledging anything they do. it’s literally like arguing with a child except I would chose a child over and over bc at least it’s developmentally appropriate. My best advice is to say ok, roll your eyes and walk away lol but the eye roll might give them some supply so watch out lol 🤪

Have watched a ton of your videos but never commented before. Thank you so much for ALL of your work. It has helped me survive at my job for the last year. However I quit suddenly on Sunday after the manager did exactly what you outlined in this video. Wow. You were/are so spot on and I am incredibly appreciative!!!

This is great therapy. It has clarified so many years of craziness and has given me the tools to understand the narcissist and flying monkey's actions. That, in turn, has enabled me to move forward in my search for answers. The answers have been flowing like water now. I am still dealing with very ugly people who will do anything to steal, hurt others and cover up...without one thought about their actions. God provides, though. Always. Peace, comfort, joy... and people like you who are willing to share with those who need your insights. Thank you!

Excellent. This video met me exactly where I am now. I'm in the beginning stages of divorcing him. I've made my will, heath directives, etc. And found a safe, decent place to rent, and I'm moving in a week from now. I tried living in the same house, but upstairs. But things blew up anyway, and he ordered me to leave with nothing because it's all HIS. So now, at 74, with only my social security, I start a new life for myself. I cannot tell you, Dr Carter, how much your videos have helped me to get to this juncture without being hurtful to myself or others. I discovered you 2 years ago. I tried my best to live with him. Now it's time to give my best to me and others who are appreciative. Thank you. ❤

I watched Wednesday video and commented and my questions were answered just now on this one. We need some miracles.

Thank you Doctor Carter, you are a “ an Angel sent from God”! I have learned so much by listening to you! May God bless you every day for helping so many people!

I can't tell you how accurate this is. Thank you for everything Doc

Thanks for a great session. I haven’t seen my narc in weeks.it’s absolute bliss.he’s hiding and I am very absorbed in living my life.I keep thinking of his partner . She must be so,embarrassed? She accused me of shouting at the narc, and stopped talking to me. But since then he has shouted at everyone and even lost jobs because of how he is. Surely at some level she must know she was wrong to accuse me?but who knows? You can’t negotiate with insanity.thanks again Judy from uk

Swear I saw my narcissist's face go sallow and dark during a confrontation. She looked like she was becoming a husk

They make deflection an Olympic sport and they win the gold .

You sir are the most enlightened one on the topic off narcissistic people. You don’t encourage us too get in tangled in their web but educate us too learn and peacefully remove ourselves from their insanity with ours intact ❤🇮🇪

Once I felt stable I found it relatively easy to deal with them.

Gus looks like a person of peace … thank you for your advice much needed at the moment .

I found that it still hurt when he didn't listen (duh- he NEVER LISTENS- he DOES NOT CARE!!). It was only when I got to the point that I NO LONGER CARED that I didn't feel angst. I was no longer triggered.

The person with narcissistic tendencies I live with rarely, and I mean very rarely, argues. She will act as if listening while I’m trying to get my request across and at the end, she say something short and sarcastic. She almost never raises her voice. Her method is to act as if listening and then discard or reject my every word. No cooperation whatsoever ever.

Just confronted my narcissist “friend” yesterday. I stayed calm & respectful & said we were totally over as friends!

Hello Dr. Les Carter and Hello to the lovely Mr. Gus listening intently. LOL.

Yep! Hitting on ALL cylinders! How true! Confronting a narcissist is NOT a pleasant encounter!

Most of these talks are about malignant narcissists. Narcissists have these defects to a much lesser degree. Indeed, we are ALL narcissists in this age, the age of narcissists. I say that because a root cause of narcissism is creating our own reality, radical independence, the loss of objective realty to which we must conform our minds and hearts. This is why psychology and psychiatry cannot fully grasp this pathology because it does not acknowledge (generally) a universal moral standard. STILL, your vids are very helpful (if a little depressing because it seems so hopeless to deal with a malignant narcissist). indeed, "what about you?"... so frustrating. Also of note, I've known three people who want to control me and give advice. The counsel is actually quite good, but if I take it and do what they recommend they always reject it. And the irony is they need to take that very advice themselves and reject it vehemently, falling apart if you suggest it: quite AMAZING to watch. ..... "I haven't grown up... I'm about to show you what a petulant little child I am." so.much.this. like bratty, petulant teenagers, indeed. Yes, blame reversal is at the core.

Im watching this after a confrontation with a person i think is a narcissist. The particular situation involved a person who always forgets things. Daily...i constantly have to brinf things to them at work that they forgot. They constantly forget important things and they lock their keys in the car atleast twice a month. I sat down and tried to give them a system on how to remember things and they blew up on me. also, one day I forgot this persons candy bar, and in return they told me i was unreliable and forgetful. I was expecting some empathy, since they forget things all the time. They made a big deal about my one blunder and blew up when i pointed out the habitual habit they have of forgetting things. They changed the subject and started bashing me on things not related to the conversation. I simply provided them with steps they could take to stop forgetting things and a way to make sure they have their keys before they lock the door. They blew up! This video is spot on

The Narcissist husband went into decomp, when I confronted his about the affair he was having with the Boss's wife. I had a witness to his infidelity. He asked the dumbest question...who was it as if he could change the facts. His melt down was quite a sight!! He didn't even bother to try to explain...like I said he became one Big Pile of decomp

How about institutions and offices of authority in various fields create a valid vetting process for these horrible people. They are coaches, teachers, high ranking public officials, police officers, doctors, supervisors, ect. They literally ruin people's lives with no accountability or remorse. I know karma eventually catches up to everyone but more should be done to identify these people before putting them in authority positions.

Dear Doc, this one truly explains so much I've experienced w/ my narc mom. This is her behavior exactly. I am so thankful to finally understand! 🧡🌷☮️

Dealing with others narsassism has aged me over the years and them aswell

Dr. C, thank you SO MUCH for sharing all of your wisdom with us all! You have helped so many people with your videos and podcasts! Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Amen. Run fast! get Therapy AGAIN

And the when you silence. Them. They induce conversation when they need something.

My sister's favorite phrase is "The right way to do X" At a major company word got back to my mom "You daughter is an itch" Left the workforce at a young age. Her "explanations" vary over time "Women don't get opportunities" "My carpal tunnel in my hands...." At family events, she still points out the University she graduated from and degree (every stops doing this in their 20s) She has been working from home in her basement selling Crafts at street fairs despite her advanced degrees Net/Net: She brought her failure upon herself and blames everybody else I stay away from her

Great insights, and painful, especially before Christmas. On the other hand easy. Just keping the necessary distance without blaming myself.