How People Pleasing Can Hurt You + Abusive Relationship Patterns | Unfiltered Storytime

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Are you a people pleaser? I'm a recovering people pleaser and have been obsessed with the word SORRY. The reality is, most of the time I need to stop saying sorry so often, because most of the time I have no need to be sorry. The reality is I struggle with setting healthy boundaries in relationships. This comes down to my self care routine and making sure that I am doing things that boost self worth affirmations and encourage self love routines. I've seen many people pleasing Ted Talks or setting healthy boundaries Ted Talks and have been in mental health therapy for people pleasing caused by trauma that I had not taken care of. In this video I'm really diving into my personal experience with people pleasing, what causes people pleasing and how to stop people pleasing. Let me know what you think. Are you a recovering people pleaser?
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Опубликовано:

12 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 501

@iridescentsolace 2 года назад

I saw the tittle and clicked IMMEDIATELY, I noticed I do things I hate/don’t want to just because it makes others happy and it’s exhausting and frustrating when you realize when it happens

@Katimorton 2 года назад

Omg I know.. it's so frustrating!! I hope some of what helps me is helpful to you too :) xoxo

@MindTrip888 2 года назад

Once you learn to say NO, you may choose to never say yes again! Then they stop coming around and asking, finally! Find those who give back as equals and don't take advantage of your kind nature. Nobody is perfect. Be kind. Be nice. Try not to react badly, it only brings you down. Establish clear boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable. This is the biggest problems many have. Especially when they have roamed in a big house of siblings, they don't know they are crossing lines. In fact they probably have no idea of what quiet silence is. As everywhere they go they are the noise 😉 People need their own space and don't like intrusions. If it happens over and over again they are not so polite and more annoyed.

@MindTrip888 2 года назад

Note: People remember how you made them feel when they think of you. So resolving issues to be kind and ALL GOOD as it were... but to define the boundaries of things that you do not like and annoy you. We all have equal rights, and it is only fair, that we have choices to choose, what, where and when. So an agreement of two or more to choose to be in the same place at the same time doing the same things. Or to be somewhere else. Making an agreed time appointment makes it so everyone is on the same page. Don't be tardy/late. Respect for one and all is important. and Beware, people have triggers to emotional baggage that is NOT about NOW, but is reminded by now of past things. This is not the past. This is different. Let not biases from such hinder being in the NOW, the present, fully to enjoy and participate. Be FULLY PRESENT, or be somewhere else where you want to be FULLY Present. Otherwise you are the walking dead.

@KatelynIngle 2 года назад

I do that too! And financially.. and physically helping.. never said no. I spent my 20s helping family.. and i had no self worth or confidence and i am always anxious and tired

@PH-xh4fs 2 года назад

Paula here. I people please because to not be able to fawn definitely keeps me vulnerable to being hurt and hurt again. I take too much responsibility in a situation so that the other person doesn't feel bad. I keep them happy even when they have some responsibility. I take it all. My situation is trauma based and I hate it. It's better to just isolate. I apologize overly and hate myself then beat myself up. I get it Katie.

@suzushiEitan 2 года назад

I think that the "pandemic" of positive thinking has a lot to do with this. The cultural norm or expectation that one should not be negative or even jugmental. Only to keep the sunny side up all the time. Its like we've lost the ability to enteract without the expectation of being positive. So whenever tension rises, we say "sorry" and feel guilty for something that did not happen.

@Katimorton 2 года назад

Omg agreed!! Toxic positivity could be causing more and more people pleasing behavior!! I didn't even think of that, so thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!! xoxo

@suzushiEitan 2 года назад

@@Katimorton Thanks for the important vid

@frugalhousewife9878 2 года назад

Definitely. I hate when people say, "Just look on the bright side, just be more grateful, just look for the silver lining, just etc." because I kinda can't. I can sometimes but I'm pretty sure other people don't feel the same inside. The statements are very dismissive. I feel like the implication is, "I care enough about you not to want you to be sad, but also I just want the problem to go away without actually doing anything."

@animefangrl0902 2 года назад

@@Katimorton personally, I find toxic positivity is being pushed so hard especially on social media

@animefangrl0902 2 года назад

@@frugalhousewife9878 it feels like people in my life are like "oh yeah, you're an adult now, not a child anymore, so you should be able to look after your own self now and be independent to be a functional human being." I personally have moments where I snap and say " I get it! People have gone through a lot worse than what I'm experiencing right now! But this doesn't help me in my current situation to get better, it only makes it worse."

@ellengleason8761 2 года назад

Sending this to my therapist because I’ve never had someone else say all my feelings so clearly. I struggle with people pleasing to avoid conflict and to regulate others emotions. I think short term I feel like I’m making myself feel better but at the end I just end up feeling resentful that no one does as much emotional work for me as I do for others (trying to do mental gymnastics to diffuse any possible conflict that could arise in a scenario is exhausting) thank you for posting this.

@psite1299 2 года назад

People-pleasing is feeling responsible and guilty for everything that happens to people around - we have to get a clear picture that people are intrinsically ambivalent and we frequently don't have a clue of what's going on in their heads. This makes us feel more secure and free of guilty.

@groofay 2 года назад

My parents' divorce and subsequent emotional neglect when I was a kid led to me doing basically everything in this video, particularly fawning and over-extending to the point of burnout, over-apologizing, and then going through periods of months of not talking to anyone or going out, partly because of depression yes, but also because I needed to "shrink" and take up less physical and mental space in other people's lives (at least that's what my brain would tell me). I still struggle with it--I'm currently going through one of those shrinking periods, but forcing myself to talk to a couple of my closest friends that I know, objectively, don't see me as taking up too much space. I refuse to apologize for writing a novel of a RU-vid comment. This video spoke to me.

@CC-ei8ph 2 года назад

Oh wow, and you've spoken to me. Thank you so much for sharing that, @groofay! I'm feeling you here in my heart.

@JanGroh Год назад

Thank you for your very insightful comment. Hard relate.

@TheAV1986 6 месяцев назад

I can very much relate to this almost verbatim. 😢

@sarahbridges512 2 года назад

I love this video. I also think when people grow up in enmeshed families and churches, then people pleasers do get cut off for being themselves. So as a people pleaser your biggest fear comes true. Over time as you strengthen your self worth you realize that generally, people won't get upset with you for being you and differing in opinions.

@Katimorton 2 года назад

Yes!!! Agreed! And thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! xoxo

@kristenparish4446 2 года назад

Narcissistic parent/EX spouse so now dealing with C PTSD

@krisrhood2127 2 года назад

If they do they don't really care about you

@theologytherapist Год назад

Absolutely agree!

@robertaspinale9389 2 года назад

I'm not sure when it started that I began having the issue of setting boundaries but people pleasing definitely took shape when it happened. I remember even as a younger kid, having the feeling I was "bothering" people if I called them. As I'm now learning more about healthy boundaries and healthy relationships, I've learned I'm not bothering anyone. Reaching out builds connections and shows people you care. I'm also learning that while anger and conflict are uncomfortable feelings for me, they're healthy emotions. Sometimes we have to be direct in order to make our relationships better! These skills have become a little easier in my personal life over time and having patience with myself. Now, I need to learn how to apply them to my professional life too! :)

@MargauxNeedler 2 года назад

I damn sure bothered my mom to hell for calling about unbelievable chest pain in the middle of the night a few months after I moved out on my own. She shouldn't have spoken rudely to me like she doesn't care and thinks my pain is no big deal if she cares

@fredericmoresmau4303 2 года назад

Of course but i m not in situation to tell people to get lost...

@tmo6349 2 года назад

I totally walked on eggshells growing up worrying I was gonna cause my mom to go off. The thing is, she would go off for no reason at all sometimes. I was afraid to breathe wrong. She made me feel like I had no right to have feelings of my own. I always knew I didn’t want to be like her. And there are obvious things that are easy to avoid, but there are other things she did that I didn’t know were wrong. It’s like it’s all I ever knew, so I didn’t know. 🥲. Now I feel like I’ve made mistakes with my own child not because I did those obvious wrong things she did, but those other things that I didn’t realize were wrong. It makes me feel horrible. Like some people would say that people like me should recognize that they wouldn’t be a good parent and not have any children. But I didn’t know everything I know now when I was 26. My son has a lot of issues now and even though I tried to be the best mother I could, I feel like it is all my fault. I know that it’s not from talking to my counselor about it, but it still bothers me sometimes. I feel so inadequate as a mother even though I have tried harder to be a good mother than anything else in my life.

@goodbyecindyrod4049 2 года назад

Aw I’m sorry you had to go through that feeling like your walking in eggshells suck adds a lot of worry and fear. I think you trying to be the best mother you can counts ♥️

@mrunalkadam8584 2 года назад

I can only get my parents love and respect if I please them, either by doing the chores they tell me to do or I feel like I always have to do things the right way to be seen as a person of value or doing other things I don't wanna do. I never find myself saying no because they ALWAYS get mad at me for saying no. I just can't set boundaries with them. I'm so stuck in this people pleasing trap!

@Katimorton 2 года назад

I am so sorry your parents like that.. that's really emotional abuse, because a parents love shouldn't be contingent upon us doing only what they want. They should support us being our own person and being independent. If you are able, please reach out to a therapist in your area so you can get some support and heal. xoxo

@krishaheckman3180 2 года назад

@@Katimorton you know these comments might be a form of expressing your people pleasing skills. Also , i find that training yourself to see people and yourself as naturally perfect even in the flaws can be a way relieving some of what you are going through. .

@jennarollyson4107 2 года назад

Me too!

@realhealing7802 2 года назад

I worked for love and acceptance in my family. If I said no to anyone, I would be punished. I am no contact with my toxic family. I am tired of all the emotional pain and suffering.

@Hawk_Leigh 2 года назад

I also hate/have a fear of conflict, and it does go hand in hand with my anxiety, sensitivity, and people-pleasing. Your own childhood experience and lack of answers as to why you also hate conflict really resonated with me because I also cannot connect my fear of conflict to any trauma, I'm just a highly sensitive person, and I'll do anything to avoid conflict/arguments. Now that I'm older, I get migraines from tension as well. So just addressing a personal issue with a friend or my parents is a nightmare. It drives my parents crazy sometimes that I avoid conflict and apologize all the time, but I dread having "discussions" and arguments and then getting a painful migraine afterwards...I would really appreciate if you did a future "Kati Unfiltered" digging deeper into the topic of conflict and anxiety

@fivelights907 2 года назад

I am a people pleaser because I dislike confrontation, so much so that I will sacrifice my own health (mental or physical) to avoid it. I ruined my marriage because I wanted to please my ex wife and avoid any and all fighting. You’d think that having a spouse that happily gives you everything you want would be perfect but no, no it does not make a good marriage. I struggle so much with self value, I feel like unless I can can give someone everything they need and want I’m not worth it for them. It’s weird because I always feel guilty for everything that doesn’t go perfectly. What’s weird, is anyone can let me down (it could be on purpose or just because nothing is perfect) and I feel guilty for possibly demanding to much or having unreasonable expectations. If what I give isn’t 100,000% perfect I feel like a failure for letting everyone down and that now I somehow owe everyone recompense.

@behroozshahdaftar4209 2 года назад

Sometimes we people please to gain approval, because other's approval gives us a (false) sense of self.

@billyhunter6275 5 месяцев назад

Help me plz

@behroozshahdaftar4209 5 месяцев назад

@@billyhunter6275 How can we help you, Friend?

@cathyjones9543 2 года назад

It is still my go to response to say "I'm sorry", my husband always nicely points it out and says you have nothing to be sorry for. He is very patient and I am starting to stop my self from saying it sometimes. But it is so so hard. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one!

@RosheenQuynh 2 года назад

I wish I had someone like that in my life 😢 Cherish him

@cathyjones9543 2 года назад

I sure do!!!!

@theologytherapist Год назад

When you've spent so long apologizing for things that were not your fault, it's hard to leave that behind. Your husband sounds like he understands!

@aintiffanyloyal 2 года назад

I literally cry after hanging out with anyone and I ruin all my relationships because I’m so convinced that I’ve done something wrong… I want to read the emotions and signs of people so deeply that I end up not ever having a good time or normal conversation it’s the worst I end up icing out every1 ugh

@spark.99 Год назад

So, I am not the only one experiencing this issue.

@jamilabrown617 2 года назад

I believe my people pleasing comes from childhood trauma and it usually happens to me when I make a mistake. I used to get yelled at as a kid when I made a mistake. I have this feeling to make it up to the person when the situation isn't a big deal. I tell myself I'll do better next time, but that's when my perfectionist part of me comes out. I'm trying not to be perfect and please everyone. But it's so hard!

@Allaboutthemooncc 2 года назад

Totally relate!

@kentanderson1890 2 года назад

This is a battle I fight all day, every day. Some of my issues are the same as yours. I'm 58 years old, I abhor conflict--grew up with parents who truly did not like each other, yet "stayed together for the kids." My entire childhood was tension and conflict. Now, I still (even after therapy) struggle with apologizing. I was married for 19 years, have been divorced for 16. For the last nine years I've been with a wonderful woman, and we are engaged. But sometimes I get carried away apologizing because I'm terrified she will be upset with me. She never is, the things I imagine she is upset about are only in my brain (thank you, anxiety). But as patient as she is, I know it annoys her for me to over-apologize. And yes, I apologize basically for existing at times. Not an attractive quality. But I am trying, I am working at trying to recognize this. Your video really touched me. Thanks.

@jenaya_laila2442 2 года назад

To end People pleasing= make yourself important enough to take yourself seriously + boundaries!

@3RTSN 2 года назад

Honestly I find myself being available for people to talk to but when I need to talk to someone. Well there's no one available. But I don't want anyone to feel the way I feel in those moments. So I keep myself avaliable. Thoughts on this? Because I'm not sure if this is people pleasing or not?

@craeearc 2 года назад

I have found myself doing this too... most people I know aren’t mature enough to hold space for others, because it will trigger them. I’ve discovered that it’s important to set boundaries on “emotional dumping” from others, you should not be an emotional punching bag because you’re an empathetic listener. Since I’ve focused on self-care and filling my own cup first, it’s helped me be more mentally and emotionally stable. Setting boundaries has helped, the friends who only used me as a crutch when they were panicking have now faded away, and the true friends remained. I’ve learned to take accountability for my feelings and actions, while also holding others accountable for their own. Wishing you well on your journey!

@3_m_1_7 2 года назад

It's good to be open. What I would focus on rather than how much I'm being listened to vs listening to others is whether or not I have something that is more important for me personally to do, especially basics like eating, sleeping, taking a moment to assess how I'm feeling and taking a time-out if needed etc. Second order of operation would be to cater to myself first especially if I find myself among people who don't reciprocate. Finally maybe begin to reflect one's company and I would also be paying attention to my tolerance of being alone, if there is no tolerance then you may be able to identify that as a driving force and begin to suspect some degree of codependency there.

@kendraalmon4159 2 года назад

I do the same thing!!

@nora-cu1de 2 года назад

I feel like part of me is dying when I don’t follow my heart and decide to please people just because I don’t wanna be disliked. I’m trying so hard not to be a people pleaser. It’s not easy. Thank you for sharing amazing videos Kati! Your videos saved me so many times.

@YOU-niter Год назад

Sorry! I met someone who taught me to 🛑 stop saying “sorry” you have nothing to apologise for! This statement was the jolt I needed to realise why I did say that word constantly. It started me on my journey of ending my people pleasing ways.

@CynthiaSchoenbauer Год назад

This is the BEST explanation of "fawning" that I have ever had in my life. Fawning is ignored in fight or flight, and freeze... But fawning is what I have used to make my self feel safe around a very, very dangerous father who puts his own feelings waaaaay before mine and kept me doing his will so he would "be able" to support the family.... waaaaay too much responsibility. I responded to his needs but he never responded to my emotional needs in any way for me to feel safe. It felt just like a very unsafe place and like I had no family behind me. I work for just the opposite now!

@nineangels7572 2 года назад

I'm tired of people pleasing. It makes me feel drained & empty. I know I need to learn more about self care & resting.

@marissar30 2 года назад

The other day I broke down in therapy. As I am there crying and telling her how I feel I apologize to her. She asked me why am I apologizing? I didn’t have an answer for her. I just felt it was something I had to do. Something I have done most of my life.

@ConcreteRose32 8 месяцев назад

This came right on time! Looked at some videos on people pleasing in the past but you know what they say.... When the student is ready the teacher will appear. And nothing hits home like an experience, which touches your feelings. My experience was about 2 weeks ago I was at the store trying to make a choice between 2 different items and this older lady came around the corner with her cart and I stepped out of MY position and said "I'm sorry" and she looked at me and said "don't apologize for Who You are" and she looked at me as if she was trying to make me Think about WHY I was apologizing. There was no malice on her face nor in her voice. And it clicked right then and there and I said 'right! Why am I apologizing?!" After all these years that moment did it for me. It was just so automatic to say "I'm sorry" or "excuse me" and now I think it's always been to make myself appear on other people's (if not lower) level just to make others comfortable. Thank you for this video. It was a big help along with that experience and I plan to re-watch several times until it sinks in.

@lionatheart42 Год назад

So much of this resonates with me. I’m kinda shocked that not everyone experiences this because it’s so deeply ingrained in me my whole life.

@chainsnPearls 7 месяцев назад

Dear kati. I am a chronic people pleaser. I say sorry to even everybody. I do cry so that people dont mad at me. I will accept everything that other person is saying even it cause me problem. And when i started taking stand for me people get more mad at me . I always ask people if you dont mind. Plz dont mind. And all that stuff. It scares me if someone is angry with me. And people around me takes advantage of it. I feel soo soo depressed for all that. Thanks for your help.i will try

@k8lyn3mma 2 года назад

Ugh I found this to be so validating! I have always struggled with people pleasing, partially due to how I was raised to always be the bigger person, was in a high demand religion, so on and so forth. But honestly I’ve noticed this pattern in my relationships also, where I will show extra love and try to go above and beyond because of the people pleasing and need for control over them liking me (probably bc of my negative self image), and I will get a lot of positive affirmation early on, and then at some point people just expect things from me because I didn’t set boundaries. Then at that point I feel like I’m being used and do not get anything in return. It sucks because it’s partially my fault, but how do I stop so I don’t get resentful and emotionally burnt out?

@futureshocked 10 месяцев назад

People pleasing is INCREDIBLY damaging. And I say this as someone who has engaged in the behavior and just went through a fresh breakup with a Dismissive Avoidant who was engaging in the behavior. It's lying. People Pleasing is actually just lying. The faster you own that and drop the excuses the better life gets and fast. With my recent ex, I told her this and after our breakup she admitted that it was a huge revelation in her life. She realized it wasn't just me she was doing it to but actually multiple friends and family. It's a pervasive behavior that gets people tired of you. And the worst part is that YOU end up hating the people you're 'trying to please' because you don't understand why 'they don't have boundaries'. YOU are the one without the boundaries, actually.

@Nightmaremarshmellow5614 4 месяца назад

When you said you struggle with this too it really made me feel more understood knowing all of us watching are not alone

@janathena7164 Год назад

I was trained to be a people pleaser from a very young age. I grew up in a violent household & in order to minimize the violence that was directed toward me, I kept my head down & did exactly as I was told. My father made it very clear what his expectations were of me & I did as I was told as an extreme form of self preservation. It has been REALLY hard to break the cycle. It makes me angry when people say really negative things about people pleasers. Initially had no choice & it has taken me years to try to fix the pattern.

@beewest5704 Год назад

It was a valid form of coping in the situation you were in.

@jimkaye8160 Год назад

Katy, I am 70 years old and am just now slowly changing my behavior. It has been such a burden all these years. I have lost a few “friends “ who it turns out were not real friends. Your video has helped me more than you know. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!

@sarakjeldsen769 Год назад

I have I'd say an extreme aversion to conflict as well. To the point where I'll feel stress if I know someone doesn't get along with me or thinking if I don't do enough I'll lose a good connection. I think also as a single girl dating, you're exposed to a lot of guys who make you feel like you're not doing enough. "you look great, but I go for personality not looks" or a guy you date posts about how he can't wait to make new memories with better people. Dating itself sometimes centers around pleasing people in just the right way, but I love what you said that there are people who enjoy being around us just for being us. Good to remember. A good relationship shouldn't stress you out or make you feel less than.

@nala9750 Год назад

I say sorry all the time as well like you Kati 99.999 percent of the time I don't know what I'm sorry for, but also like you it's people pleasing, and afraid of conflict, I'm going to try and do the "ask myself questions before I blurt out "I'm sorry" and see if a sorry is really necessary, so thank you for that. I never knew another person to describe what I go through daily in anxiety, people pleasing etc.. most people including my parents just don't get it, so it's feels good to be validated and not feel like I'm the only person in the world that sometimes struggle with these things.

@elyaequestus1409 2 года назад

My people pleasing is definately rooted in trauma. I am female & autistic. I just dont 'vibe' with society, I dont vibe with most people. I recently realised that I was feeling anxious all the time, to such a degree that I didnt know what relaxation was. I think it was/is just my autistic brain being sensitive and just not knowing what to do with the loud, overwelming world. And people expecting, demanding & guilt tripping me into coping with this busy world. My mom would get angry and frustrated at my melt downs. She would with anger, a swat on the butt or something similar to 'pull me out'. When I got older, these methods were replaced with shame ("You cant do that in front of others") and rewarding 'good' behavior. It fits well with this quiet abuse that Kati described, it wasnt big or loud. It was my mom being deprate to regain power over the situation. It was her vs me instead of us vs the situation. No matter how hard I tried, I could never overcome the obstacles I was facing. No matter how hard I tried, I could not succesfully vibe with other people. My selfworth was below freezing point and this did not change with my diagnose. Autism in females is still poorly understood and only very recently I actually started going to an autism specialist. These meetings have been life altering in so, so many different ways. I finally feel ready to take my parents with me to therapy and get them to talk about my autism so they can be educated on my brain and what my locus of control exactly is. The locus of control exercise (Go watch that vid on therapy in a nutshell, it is awesome), yoga and meditation helps me quite a lot with regulation. Accepting this all though. Accepting this all is tough as nails because my mom really did her best with the tools that she had. She just didnt have the right tools and then dug herself in, telling herself that it is was the only way. Just. Difficult.

@frugalhousewife9878 2 года назад

Definitely feel a lot of this. I can't stand conflict. I hate it. It makes me physically anxious. I think there is possibly a normal amount of conflict in my life but I handle it terribly. I think I probably need a lot of therapy but I'm not sure even that would fix everything and I have no idea when I might be able to afford it and have adequate time. I'm sorry you deal with this. I hope you feel better. It's hard to deal with issues that don't make much sense.

@sarahcouture24 Год назад

Omg i say sorry all the time too! People hate it and call me out on it constantly :( i try to stop, but it is so hard to stop the habit. I get so mad at myself for being such a people pleaser or for saying sorry all the time. The fawn response definitely comes from abuse, anxiety, and low self esteem.

@elhamfari6879 2 года назад

I used to think that it would be good if people would tell me; stop trying so hard. don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong. I know how much you care for me you don't need to prove anything. Think a little bit more about yourself. I've finally realized that I don't need other people to tell me all those things, because I know myself best and I'm the only one that can make me feel better about myself and put myself first.

@americaaubrey4264 2 года назад

Needed to hear this! This morning, people pleasing as I reflect briefly has hurt me a lot especially at times financially! People have also told me I constantly over apologize and over explain myself so something I’m working on and this pass week I signed up for therapy… thank you for your videos, they’ve helped and continue to help me a lot :) hope you have a gr8 day

@middledog466 2 года назад

also, the idea that saying sorry is a way of minimizing yourself totally resonates with me, and i see this in others. i have experienced the stress of both sides of people pleasing, it’s a struggle i unfortunately know well (haha)

@AmeliaOak Год назад

When you started talking about your thoughts I said OH MY GOD! I can't tell you how many times I have done that, but not said anything, and then when they talk to me...everything is fine. It does help to distract to myself!

@jessikapiche6097 Год назад

You know Kati, you really reminds me of my own therapist who was saying 'sorry' a lot. ;) As I became more and more open with her, one day where i was feeling really good, i started being able to 'share' emotionally... And so as she said 'I'm sorry' yet another time, i stopped. I looked at her and said no more for about 3 seconds. She looks at me back kind of serious all of a sudden. I said 'You Always say 'I'm sorry'... and i just wanted to say to you that it is because you are such A GOOD PERSON, that even when you say something i need to hear, you still care so much for others, that you want to make sure they know YOU ARE SORRY THAT IT MIGHT HURT TO HEAR IT...' and i laugh. she laughed too, and of course said I'm sorry! and we laugh some more... ;)

@maryellenseward7385 5 месяцев назад

You just summed me up right there. 😅 Just realized recently that people pleasing is actually an anxiety issue.

@catalinasody3817 2 года назад

I feel you! I feel the same. I apologize for things that aren’t my fault. Immediately after, the other person says, ‘There’s no need to apologize’. I hear that response often so I must be apologizing too much. Not sure why….. To keep the peace maybe?

@roshanrahealer 2 года назад

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm not a fan of conflict and have childhood trauma, so I am healing from people pleasing. The worst part is I used to people please with people I disliked, or even abhorred. Now, I've been pleasing myself more often but feel guilty when I do things for myself. I have a fear of failure and a fear of success, so it feels like I'm back in war, only with myself this time. Thanks for all your videos! I've learned a lot and love how vulnerable and honest you come across. Bravery points galore!

@JenN-hr1yc Год назад

I'm a people pleaser. Working on change. I can relate to the controlling emotions. I don't want anyone to feel bad or have a hard time so am constantly volunteering myself to meet what I perceive as their needs then feel resentful that my needs don't get met. As I am working on prioritising and meeting my own needs and allowing others their feelings I am finding some people who are used to the people pleasing me definitely don't like the change. These are the relationships that for me were not really two way in any case.

@elhamfari6879 2 года назад

When you talk I feel that I'm talking. I have struggled with people pleasing for a long time and I hurt myself over and over again. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only person that suffers from people pleasing.

@sophiabracknell1962 2 года назад

I think what you said about “saying sorry” all the time resonates with me. I often think things are my fault or that I’m to blame when someone’s upset. And trying to adapt my behaviour to tip toe around them is spot on to. I think asking the question “what are you sorry for?” Is powerful. We are not responsible for other people’s emotions or actions but unfortunately we have to heal from trauma that existed within these relationships. It’s hard.... but not impossible.

@fivelights907 2 года назад

I am a combat vet with PTSD. I was medical in Iraq. Anyway I’m am a people pleaser because I dislike confrontation. It makes me angry with myself and bitter towards others.

@utFLYrockets Год назад

I wish I would have watched this video several years ago. When you talked about your parents having a minor argument and you wanted them to stop arguing, it hit home for me. I people please mainly to avoid conflict and I should be in control of and take care of myself first

@_Renee2 4 месяца назад

I'm a recovering people-pleaser too. Mine is rooted in childhood trauma but, I'm working on it.

@darylwilkinson9882 Год назад

Hi Kati, I've recently discovered your channel and I think it's great! This video in particular was very enlightening and made me think about my own behaviour - I definitely struggle with people pleasing behaviour and I 100% recognize myself in what you were describing here - I constantly apologize for things that are clearly not my fault or even have nothing to do with me at all, I always feel like in in the way when I'm in public or that I'm inconveniencing people (like in the supermarket when trying to pack my stuff after I've paid for it and feel like I'm holding up the line), I always double or triple book myself for fear of upsetting someone by saying I just can't make it or I'm already busy, I avoid disagreeing with people because I don't want to argue or have some sort of confrontation, and I often worry that friends or family are upset or angry with me, without any evidence at all. I'd love to see more videos about people pleasing behaviour and more tips about how to deal with it. Thanks!

@ip-organizeme 2 года назад

This video speaks to me so much. I didn't think of my reactions as people pleasing but more so that the scenarios annoyed me when someone reacted the way I didn't want/ didn't expect or lack of reaction all together (ingrateful). Would be very appreciative if you can do a video why overthinking can go down the latter path of "this is annoying" "please just go away" or "please just tell me what you want already". Hope it's not just me.

@sarahpavri 10 месяцев назад

Thank you for this video. The past few years have made me realize just how much people-pleasing seeps into my conversations with people. I think mine comes from a lot of anxiety and trauma. Learning about different experiences that can lead to people-pleasing has helped me keep it in check. I try to distract myself too because it helps me regulate simultaneously and I try to check facts with a trusted person who will help me look at the situation more objectively.

@martinkelly2926 7 месяцев назад

hi there kati omg everything you have mentioned i sooooo resonated completly it like you was taking about myself i do have found myself being a people pleaser and saying sorry for being sorry what the hell !!!!!!!! my hole life changed 3 years ago after the death of me mum and dad and the collapse of my family and found myself in a very toxic relationship she turned out to be very narcissist it was only till i had to leave the relationship it was only then looking into my relationship from the outside-in ... my hole reality of who & what i thought. I .... & my relationship was..... has been shattered forced me to look at myself the stuff i did & said behaved iv now been on a healing journey facing my shadow!!!!!! ( the dark night of the soul) and my spiritual awakening i just wanted to say thank you for your videos they helping alot xx

@philpell9002 2 года назад

Thank you for sharing this, Kati. It's a real pain in the ass and especially when I believe it makes you a target for takers and narcissists as well.

@pmbluemoon 2 года назад

I used to people please until I drove myself into the ground. I had a mental breakdown because I just couldn't do it any more. I love the people I am around, and try way too hard. Then other people caught on, wanted to be my "friend" so they could get in on the help and kindness I was showing my friends. Today I had someone call me and ask me if I could come help them clean their apartment, and I said no. I felt bad, but I told myself, I can't please everyone, and I NEEDED to make sure that my boundaries were intact and I didn't give in to trying to please yet another person I barely know. I'm slowly but steadily getting better, it's still a battle for sure, but every little step counts and I can say that you have helped me in many ways with all kinds of things from understanding my friends and families issues to understanding my own. Thank you Katie and I hope you have a great vacation! 👍💪

@adararelgnel2695 Месяц назад

I feel like ive been walking on egg shells with my people pleasing friend. I dont want to ask her to get together at a time that shes not available in case she feels compelled to say yes when she doesnt want to. But if i ask her when SHE wants to meet up she throws it back at me. GIRL! my schedule is more flexible, dont worry about it. I LEGITAMETLY can arrange my schedule to do wtvr works for YOU while you CANNOT. Honestly, im here cuz I dont think we can even be friends anymore. Its gottwn really bad. Shes always upset at me because she agreed to do something she didnt want to do and I never even knew. I cant do this anymore.

@Lockystephenson 2 года назад

I’ve always been a people pleaser. Past history of complex trauma and multiple anxiety disorders. I don’t see why it’s such a ‘bad’ thing? It’s a survival mechanism and has kept me safe in the past. I’m learning to be myself and express myself without worrying so much about what other people think or want for me. Do what makes you happy as long as you’re not hurting anyone, including yourself.

@MargauxNeedler 2 года назад

In my case, fawning allowed me to be overtaken by others' agendas that ran me into the ground financially, so that's how it can be bad. I also was having a tough time not being certain of what to do and let other people make decisions for me instead. I was so angry before and couldn't even think straight. After being a victim of fraud, though, I've come out the other side of that hell with much more assurance in myself. I was uncertain, but only because everyone else was saying my ideas were wrong... only for me to end up listening to someone who only wanted to take advantage of me in the end. All the other ideas I had in mind beforehand would have been a much better idea. But at least I have learned and still am learning many things that I wouldn't have if it hadn't have been for that experience.

@FrederickDunn 2 года назад

Another excellent topic. My wife is a relentless people-pleaser. It's a source of stress that seems to be endless. The current issue is with our extended family, spouses of our children. She does everything for everyone absolutely free and she ends up with very little time to herself. My concern is her fixation on being "liked" by our daughter-in-law. She can be paralyzed by a lack of gratitude or acknowledgment from someone she's given so much to. Wanting to be liked by others is heavy on her mind and this is a standout since my wife is extremely nice and loved by everyone... save one, the DIL. I'm fine with being acknowledged or not, and that's freeing. But my wife has a profound "need" to be liked by those around her. How can I get her to simply accept that not everyone will convey their appreciation or affection? The more she tries to reach out, the less she gets back. Family is different, we want everyone to care about everyone, and it just isn't realistic. Thank you, I'm binge-listening while I'm working.

@middledog466 2 года назад

the trick of “not engaging with that person and letting them know about that chaos” is a SUPER good point that helps me, too. the anxiety andinos racing is very real and very valid, but it can be a lot for the other person to respond to (and when they do, it creates more content for us to grow anxious about and assess) gotta give ourselves the temporary space we need and deserve

@italiang11 2 года назад

Omgosh! Okay editing Katie's input really resonated with me. Why the heck do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings??? But also to fact check myself I feel like I could come up with facts to tell myself and make me feel worse. Or maybe that's just being stuck in the spiral and rumination.

@hrathweg 2 года назад

Girl! Yes! People pleasing reformer here! I take it from shame. Feeling shame is so hurtful! Even though I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed about x, y, or z. I take it to be from always being in trouble or doing something wrong/impulsively! I have come to believe that I am either on the spectrum, or have adhd, or both… and being born fifth out the six kids, with a baby sister who was born sick, I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault, I was not allowed to ‘whine’ which was the easiest way for me to communicate. My parents split when I was little, so on top of being in trouble for everything all of my other siblings did, I felt responsible for that too. I feel responsible for other’s feelings because my actions caused mad/sad/glad/bad reactions from all family members. There is a little girl inside of me that just wants to be believed that I am good. I have to accept my negatives and compassionately love all of me. It’s the only way to not feel responsible for everything else.

@ana-wp8qx 10 месяцев назад

This was such a vulnerable and such a HELPFUL video omg Kati. Thank you so much for your honesty. If you ever feel lesser of yourself as a content creator, this is your sign to keep going. You are making a big difference ❤

@Rebelynn56 11 месяцев назад

Yes, yes, and yes. I am guilty of just about everything you talked about. If only I had known then what I know now, I would have had a much better life! I loved the way you spoke about distracting and facts , how you put it into real situations, where it was more 'solid', if you will, not so abstract as it seemed to me in DBT. Of course, DBT wasn't even a thing when I was younger. Thank you!❤

@rogerpiper330 2 года назад

Hi Kati, I've only just found your videos. I've also just been diagnosed with Asperges, I'm 47. I loved this video about saying sorry and people pleasing. Its something that I do all the time. I say sorry to people at work all day long. Hearing you say that you do too has really helped me. I also hate conflict with other people and I did not realise that its why I say sorry. I loved your Distract, check facts. I also think its me, and thats why people are acting like they do. Im sorry half the time for just being me. Anyway Im so glad I've found your channel. You also have amazing eyes. Sorry if that sounds weird lol. Xx

@londons.8974 Год назад

I definitely resonated with this video. I have that trifecta of people pleasing, weak boundaries, and conflict avoidance. A lot of it for me comes from a religious upbringing from which I took strong internalized homophobia and internalized racism(not sure if that is a thing but it feels right). I'm only now in my life seeing it and in a mind space where I'm telling myself I have to do something about it. So thanks for making this video, it helps to see someone so strong have struggled with the same thing.

@AllenArmstrong_1 2 года назад

I'm exactly the same with every point Kati. My best friend, therapist, and psychologist tell me that I'm a people pleaser... I say what I think people want to hear. And it's all because I avoid conflicts. "Sorry" is the number one word in my vocabulary. I also want to help people however that I can and put people ahead of my own needs.

@LoyalToTheMicrobes 17 дней назад

I'm always trying to adjust to others, I feel like I don't even know who I am. This is easily one of my biggest problems.

@Yambataller 4 месяца назад

A lot of things are not even from this lifetime but trauma/karma from previous ones. Situations or problems in our lives are opportunities to undo that. Life is a big opportunity.

@operoverlord 2 года назад

I seriously struggle with people pleasing for the exact reasons u mentioned. Reading wise intelligent great people's quotes like Mark Twain has helped get me out of myself, and think about other people's bigger problems. Like people having it worse than u. It also gives me hope like they're big secrets that are unveiled. One quote by, I believe, Winston Churchill that helps with conflict is something like "If u face a danger do not turn your back to it and run. U have increased that danger twice as much. Instead face it unflinchingly and u have reduced that danger by half."

@CaptainSoftboy501 2 года назад

My friend sent me here and WOW I have been called TF out 😩 Literally, not even five minutes in, I was immediately reminded of my kindergarten teacher who verbally and physically abused me. I did nothing to her. I remember always trying to be kind and be perfect so she wouldn't hurt me and guess what? It worked. So yeah there's that trauma and the potential start of my people pleasing. God, I could write a whole essay explaining how everything connected to me and the new things ive learned bc if this video. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us!! It has helped me gather so much insight on myself :')

@mkon29 2 года назад

Thanks for the video, Kati! I have anxiety and BPD and not that long ago I realised that my strive to please people and avoid conflict is rooted in my subconscious fear of abandonment. Even if I fully know I haven’t done anything wrong, I still tend to apologise excessively and make amends, which, I admit, may seem as a sort of pathetic move sometimes. But I can’t stop doing that cause I always feel like people would leave me after I make a smallest mistake and/or disappoint them. I know it’s a toxic mindset and I’m trying to work on it, but it’s still a long way to go.

@mkon29 2 года назад

@Richard Marvin yes, the biggest challenge was to acknowledge and accept the problem :)

@nikkib6506 11 месяцев назад

I people please to avoid conflict at allllll costs. It’s slowly, emotionally killing me. 😔😔😔

@realhealing7802 2 года назад

My people pleasing comes from growing up in a narcissistic family system. My family shamed me and made me feel guilty if I didn't do what they wanted. I am no contact with my toxic family. It's time for me to heal.

@contentedspirit9022 9 месяцев назад

Oh Kati, i fully understand this and your feelings. My grandmother passed away just a few months after I obtained my nursing license and Army officer commission then started active duty in the Army over 1000 miles away. My mom had passed away a few years earlier, so they were very close to us three granddaughters. After my grandma died, my grandpa just was so lonely that he couldn't continue. They had known each other since my grandma was 3 years old. He passed away 3 months to the day of my Grandma's passing. That broke me because I was very close to him. Please take care of yourself. Im sorry you're struggling, but i fully understand. Sending hugs your way.

@ghostie7790 2 года назад

I like the title “kati unfiltered”. It’s perfect for these types of videos. People pleasing was drilled into me by my parents and culture. I’m working on it though and it has made my life so much better.

@talitaiorio 6 месяцев назад

Oh my god, I feel SO SEEN! Hearing you describe what I feel regularly is a mix of comforting and terrifying. Thank you for being vulnerable so other people can grow with you.

@NF-gl2px 7 месяцев назад

Hi Kati! Thank you for your video. I was in group therapy and the main therapist called me a "people pleaser" and she really had ill intent behind her comment. I never saw it as a bad thing, but now 7 years later I see I did not establish healthy boundaries. I just wish it had been a nicer and more sensitive therapist that delivered that back in the day! She was actually burned out and cruel & should have never beenin her position 😢 one day at a time❤

@Coyot0xx0 7 месяцев назад

I could write a mile long comment but I'm worried that I would be a bit too much so I just say thank you so much for opening my eyes as well as all the other grateful commenters. Stay blessed!

@clairemarie5212 2 года назад

I haven’t been able to stop:( i will lie, give up, get walked all over, just to prevent conflict. Being a part of conflict raises my anxiety the most out of anything else in my life, and I will do anything to keep out of it. It’s probably the thing I dislike about myself to most. It makes me feel weak, immature, and small.

@kirstymunro95 Год назад

Totally resonates with me overthink constantly apologies do things I don't want to do because I'm afraid of conflict or being seen as rude

@theologytherapist Год назад

I love how people pleasing can be related back to Religious Trauma. When you speak about fanning over someone, it resonates with issues I see in my clients!

@mariasammy8643 2 года назад

I people pleased for years becasue I had low self worth. I never cared about my feelings but I was always worried about how others saw me. It makes me sad when I look back at how low my self esteem was and how certain "friends" exploited my kindness. Thank God I got older and wiser and will not put up with this behavior anymore. Had to live and learn. Thanx for being here for us Kati and listening!

@josephineh4391 10 месяцев назад

First of all, THANK YOU Kati for making this video! It really help me a lot to see where my people pleasing behaviour comes from. I know I have people pleasing behaviour trace back to my uni era but it hasn't really effect me that much from day to day until I start working. I work in a hospital as a healthcare provider, and this people pleasing trait has made some major negative impact on me. I noticed when I need to deal with pushy/audaious patients/ doctors/coworkers/patient's family member, I started to people please by doing what they want, saying what they want to hear. All of this is because I want to avoid conflict just like you! It make me very uncomfortable, anxious and stressed when I need to confront someone. This is quite problematic because deep down I actually disagree with some of the statements these people made, and yet I don't have the gut to oppose what they said which leave me with resentment and looping over and over what have happened to me. Thank you again for the video!

@candy2325 2 года назад

This video is something I need to see. I’m a recovering people pleaser as well and some of your examples you gave shocked me because I didn’t even think it was considered people pleasing. Lately, I’ve been working on boundaries a LOT. I had a friend call me while she was running errands and shopping and I was on the phone FOREVER hearing her picking up items and so distracted and laser focused on what she was doing than actually having a conversation and barely listening to what I was saying. So, I put my foot down and politely excused myself and told her I need to eat dinner and we’ll catch up another day. She definitely got the message because she later texted me to apologize about being so busy while she was on the phone with me (I’ll reach out to her in the morning) I’m not gonna lie, it felt awkward setting a boundary, but it was necessary. I feel like being direct with people in the most cordial way possible and being polite should get your point across, so your not feeling resentful and beating yourself up. I have a whole list of other things I’ve done to curb people pleasing, but it’s way too long lol 😆

@WatchmanJon Год назад

Thank you Kati for putting this video out, this describes me to a t' and by reading thru the comments I now know that I'm not alone.. realizing that aspect alone has opened a door to recovery for myself and I'm sure many others! thank you and God bless.

@josephwatson7152 2 года назад

When you poke in and edited saying that you feel responsible for other people's emotions oceans, that struck a chord big time with me. Ugg

@stephaniewanjiru522 Год назад

I loved that you said that it could be because you lack self-worth and negative self talk

@solomancambridge2572 Год назад

Your content is so helpful to me Kati. I see it now. No one wants to be around a Pleaser Fawner Footstool Doormat Placater Accomodater Go Along Bob Follower Simp Nice Guy Cuck Easygoing Pete I see why I did those life saving behaviors for decades. It was because when the malignant personalities around me got angry lives were literally put in danger. People were "Permanently Silenced" in District 13. (My Book Title) Both parents Abandoned me as a child. Wow. Thats the fist time I brought that truth to a concious level. Damn, at 52, this is my reality check. Oh well, its never to late to heal from the traumatic violence of a Alcohol and Drug fuled household headed by an in & out Borderline/Narcissist birth mother. Imagine that. Smdh

@wetboy72 2 года назад

Omg, I have always just said sorry. My friends are now pulling me up on it. Some of my friends actually fined me, every time I apologised. Still trying to stop people pleasing

@Katimorton 2 года назад

It's so hard to stop saying "sorry" all the time!! Omg.. I still struggle. But being aware is honestly half the battle.. so keep at it! You got this!! xoxo

@briengardner1840 8 месяцев назад

I discovered my level of pleasing through texting. Because it gives you an opportunity to read and think about your response before you sent it. What my impulsive response is, and the one I eventually send, are often different. It reminds me to pause before answering during conversations.

@ronnierizalte1800 2 года назад

Hi! Miss Kati... I'm struggling the same thing though I haven't checked on to a therapist. Although i don't say sorry quite often.. but as a male built with "male-is-built-for-work" idea, I offered a lot of time and effort for countless people just to be liked, fitted and feel useful in return. really not a work but helping to an extent that they were the only one growing in our relationshi*.. I also a have that swirly twirly thoughts, uncontro;;able worrying that i might be -what i call "double speaking" and a worrying they would think that I might be manipulating them to give me a favor.. it's tiring. even writing this now, gives me a worry that i'm just making this all up.

@ashley-vr1cg 2 года назад

I loved your insights on people pleasing. In my experience, I try to please people in order for them to perceive me a certain way, I don't know if that makes sense. I was wondering if you'd sometime talk about intense feelings of embarrassment while trying to break out of people pleasing. Love your vides xoxo

@plantxarmybtsgrowth5776 2 года назад

I really felt that today Thankyou

@AO-qp2od 2 года назад

Thank you so much Katie for being so open and honest about all of this! It is honestly so refreshing to hear a mental health professional talk about their struggles openly in such a non-judgemental way! It helps me realize that we ALL struggle with aspects of relating to others, and that it is a very human experience. Thanks again and I'm glad to hear you are doing alright :)

@happygucci5094 Год назад

You NAILED this Katie- thank you I feel ( uncomfortably!) seen. 💗

@piamuran3557 2 года назад

It's also so automatic. My therapist (I know...transference, but you do notice things your therapist does) always says sorry, even if I drop a book or a wallet. He also used to say sorry to every story I've told him about my past. I did mention it to him and he said he would be more careful as other people had also mentioned it.

@nfeaster4 10 месяцев назад

Thank you for sharing your experience here. It is helping me to unravel my own deal with people pleasing and how to bring more internal peace to myself. I appreciate the tips around fact checking, and checking in on hunger, loneliness and the other factors that can keep me disregulated.

@m3tr0id86 2 года назад

You're so right about the people pleasing part. Most of the time I just suffer the pain in silence. I do not have the means to see a therapist and I am aware of free versions of it here and there, but I also have a very strong distrust of people because following their advice, I ended up wasting 15 years of my life, where I am now self aware that I am someone that doesn't have a lot of time and some people not a lot of patience either. All I can say and warn others is don't think being very intelligent is sunshine and rainbows. It's both a blessing as much as it is a curse in itself. Take myself for example. Graduated with a 4.01 GPA in High School, learned on my own that college without a long term plan is a waste of time and a lot of money, corporations such as Lowes, Kroger, Gamestop and ect. try to make places like that look like a family, but is more akin to a cult and people will at times capitalize on people's misfortunes, stop thinking for themselves or pick up suicidal tendencies and call it a challenge (ie TidePod, Cinnamon, Skullcracker, Carona and ect "Challenge") and so much more. At times I feel so hopeless that I isolate myself as much as humanly possible to not show people that I suffer so much and refuse to ask for help, because unless you understand that people are more likely to listen to someone with unbridled popularity to someone that is not even a blip on radar.

@timtreefrog9646 2 года назад

Thank you. Yes it ruins my life. I overwork so much in order to please my bosses and because I am anxious that they will think I am not good enough.

@Katimorton 2 года назад

Of course! I am so glad it was helpful, and I am so sorry that you feel your people pleasing behavior is ruining your life. Ugh. I know that feeling. Just know that one moment at a time we can do our best to choose to act differently. xoxo

@timtreefrog9646 2 года назад

@@Katimorton thank you. (I know you hear this 2000 times a day, and have likely become numb to it) but your videos always help me. Thank you so much for putting them here. I hope your people pleasing behaviour improves too. Mwah xxx

@angie-lalalooloo 7 месяцев назад

I'm such a people pleaser, to the extent I struggle to do things where I put myself first.

@Naymichelle76 Год назад

New subbie here! I really enjoy your work. You’re so transparent and genuine. I have aspirations of becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, but keep putting off because I feel so messed up. Seeing how authentic and transparent you are gives me hope that I can do it too, and be human.