As a Kenyan I see our aunties in weddings advice women that their husbands are their firstborns. A classic way of mothering a man. I think this lie is spread widely in some African countries. And I'm unlearning this. Thank you.
I’m Kenyan 🇰🇪 too and this is so true and it’s sets wives up for failure in marriage. But also when you study the said aunties marriages they are really just stating what they’ve done. They don’t know better
Kenyan too here. I'm younger but I've observed this over and over even in family gatherings. So many women here take charge of the household, do chores and still work a full-time job and even do the financial stuff while being married. It makes me sad to see.
Yes! Let me tell you Maina, I am unlearning this. It is so ingrained in our society, setting us as women for failure. While my wasband was abusive, I finally accept and see where my mothering made the abuse worse and led to my lack of boundaries... To more unlearning for us ladies. There is definitely an awakening
Ladies if a man refuses to take accountability, responsibility, and is emotionally immature, LEAVE!!! A grown man that behaves like a child will not be able to take care of yours, and won't step up to the plate when it comes down to it. Mothering a man like that does nothing, in the end you won't win. Many of us other ladies learned the hard way, don't make that mistske yourself.
This is a super important topic! Our mothering instincts are incredibly useful and important, but in the absence of proper guidance from wiser women in our community, we're prone to following those instincts when we shouldn't. I for one frequently can't tell when I'm mothering my husband vs wifing; he often has to tell me when I'm being overbearing! Can't wait for this video.
This is true... to an extent. "Mothering" in the context of enabling psychological regression on their partner (eg. enabling excessive escapism, fear of accountability, fear of commitment, etc) should NOT be condoned nor normalized. On the other hand, it is psychologically and neurologically normal for men to crave motherly nurture from their partner within a romantic relationship, and this does not always necessarily mean that they are immature nor exhibiting regression. Some men may seek female partners who provide comfort, unconditional love, protection, and warmth -- since these traits are nurturing but also satiating for emotional connection and they create a safe space for vulnerability. Vulnerability is the key towards communication, and in some cases, a form of nurture may be necessary to enhance communication. Furthermore, neural pathways associated with childhood experiences can shape preferences and desires in adulthood. If a man formed neural associations between their main source of comfort and a motherly set of traits from their main caregiver, then these associations WILL highly impact the way they will seek for that said set of traits from the partner, as this would be the brain's way of naturally replicating that comfort. TLDR: It's essential to distinguish between enabling regression/immaturity, and simply providing nurture in a healthy extent within a relationship. So long as all parties within the relationship take accountability of their mistakes, then certain nurturing traits that come from "mothering" can even be beneficial. Regardless, of course, neither party should take the role of a parent nor a therapist.
Hi! I found your comment very interesting. I was worried about being too "motherly " to my partner since I’m the first born of my family and he’s an only child that lost his mother way too early. We have great communication, assume problems when it’s due and both settle boundaries when it’s needed. But he also like being pampered from time to time. For example he likes when I feed him or wash his hair. He also values physical touch a lot. All of this doesn’t bother me and I actually like doing them. But on the other hand I don’t want them to be unhealthy and destroy our relationship later on. Do you think it’s okay for us to act like this or should we stop?
ok video didn’t even start yet but 10000% yessss. NOT worth dating a man child, put that energy into yourself instead. Spend over 3 years in my first and only relationship doing so and vowed to never do that again smh
Just want to say that I’m glad I found your videos before I meant my husband, they have be so instrumental in my healing and preparing to be the wife I wanted to be thank you for letting god use you to drop some many gems to us young ladies ❤
Sometimes there's a thin line between "wifing" and mothering, and it takes discernment to be able to stay on course. Having said this, there's still a place of mothering and fathering one's spouse occasionally just to "spoil" them. As they say, there's a child in every man and woman.
I soooo agree with you about how it should not be seen as an ideal for a man to look for a woman who treats them like their mother does. If he has a mother, he should go to her. A woman is a mother only to her children. They are what made her a mother after all. Same goes for her and her father. Nurturing qualities can be exercised outside of motherhood of course, but baby-ing a full grown man is an insult to both of your intelligences. Looking for someone to not just have the good qualities of your parents, but rather be a parent to you after you’ve left their household sounds like a bunch of potential psychiatric issues that need to be unpacked. Comforting your husband through a rough time≠mothering, I will say that. Because we can seek comfort from anyone, but if he’s looking at you to take care of all the problems you’re comforting him for, as if he’s incapable of handling them when he actually is fully capable he just doesn’t want to do it, and you as a woman do do that, that’s mothering. That tells him that when he feels that he’s facing a problem thrown at him from the world he can run to mommy and she’ll call the principal or take care of it. I also feel like this ties into weaponized incompetence that some guys do, and Jasmyne I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. I feel like it ties into this topic because a lot of guys will sometimes like to feel and act like they’re a “leader” or powerful but then when it comes to certain things they have to do, say in a household or relationship, and don’t want to, they’ll shift that responsibility onto the woman by either completely neglecting the duty until she does it or acting like he doesn’t know how to do it. And then still act like he should be looked at as a leader. It’s hard to look at someone as if they are a leader, if you’ve already shown the person that you’re leading that you’re incompetent in basic areas and force them to mother you otherwise things that help a household or relationship function, just don’t function. Of course this can look different for every relationship, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Edit: 7:15 this statement right here is why I bring this point up. I feel like a lot of women say or do this not just necessarily because they marry someone they can’t respect, it sounds like they are with someone who potentially utilizes weaponized incompetence and thus they feel like they’re caring for someone in a way that’s like caring for a child and not a fully grown adult. Because this person has shown that they do not handle things that mature and able adults do, and still making him feel like “the man” of the household feels like gentle parenting or throwing a dog a treat for doing “so well!” That is just my pov tho.
exactly. I feel like this part wasn't talked about at all and it was necessary. I've seen too many women in my family suffer from this weaponized incompetence, that leads to the man sitting on the couch or doing his own thing happily while the woman cleans and cooks like a maid. Not cool at all
Amazing advice! I have been noticing habits of mine like these and this video helped to show me more that I can be cautious of. Trusting my fiancé and soon to be husband has been the answer to most of it! ❤
I didn’t want to mother my ex but he wouldn’t do chores, cook, take care of our pets, etc. I communicated often that he had to participate in heavy lifting in the relationship but he had too many issues and used his trauma as an excuse to play video games all day long. Broke up with his because of it
Ooh the one that got me the most is offering unsolicited advice. Mainly just for training our puppy. That’s super hard for me. I’m the dog trainer of the family, so people do need to mirror my actions when they train the dog as well, so I do give tips and advice a LOT. But is that bad? It’s very important for everyone to be on the same page for dog training or your dog won’t listen to them… hmmmmm and he rarely interacts with them in a training manner so it’s difficult to watch
Oh, backseat driving. 😬 I'm embarrassed to say that when we first got married I was highly obnoxious in this area. I have course corrected, however, and only speak up if his attention needs to be directed towards something potentially dangerous.
I’m not going to lie,i jumped to other parts of the video before watching the Peter Pan and Wendy portion.I almost thought “okay,i am doing these mothering things but what if the man is actually acting like a overgrown boy?What if he never takes accountability,never cares about your opinions or values your feelings?” When i watched the first part of the video,then i understood…if a man is a Peter Pan…just leave!!!If he isn’t,then yes we need to work on not treating him as if he is one.
Good video! It's really needed these days. I'm just wondering how much of this advice could equally be given to a husband, though. For example, I don't want to be condescended to or nagged about my driving or constantly being reminded to take my vitamins and probably most, if not all, of the things on this list. Which of these things that you discourage in a wife is the husband supposed to do to his wife (besides leading her)?
Dude ,men like motherly energy ,we were raised on it. Guy can say "i am not your dad" for ever reason you need a male to help you in your life, but girls are quick to tell "i am not your mom", so next time you need help or emotional place tell yiur man to dismiss you cuz he is not your daddy..
If you have to act like a mom towards your man, he has a lot of growing up to do and is not the right person for you at this moment. If a man acts right, we wouldn't treat him like a child.
I agree! I think if it’s a super compulsive thing, then it’s probably for an underlying reason and the man needs to mature. But some women can still be with mature men and perhaps have issues with mothering sometimes out of a fallen urge to control. Or hard habits from a past toxic relationship
Quick question: my man is super masculine so i can already “sit back” a fair amount. however, he’s late all the time. i know for a fact he’s late for everyone and everything so it doesn’t necessarily hurt my feelings. but i don’t know how to handle it because i sit around waiting for him so much. i asked him to just let me know when he’s going to be late so each time he’s supposed to arrive anywhere he just kinda automatically texts me. he’s really embarrassed about it a lot because his friends make fun of him but i don’t know how to act and maintain respect for my own time without bossing him around.
It sounds a bit like time blindness, which my husband has. He literally doesn't feel the passing of time -- an hour can seem like ten minutes to him. He's learned to heavily rely on checking and rechecking his watch and setting alarms to allow him to stay on track for work and get to appointments on time. He's not in that habit when he's just at home which makes family prayers, children's bedtimes, etc run really late but he's working on it.
Hey :) as someone who has ADHD and for so long struggled with time, it honestly changed for me once I truly got tired of being late to things. When it came to picking my partner up from work, or being late so much to work that I was having meetings around my tardiness is when it really dawned on me that it was a big issue. When I understood how being on time for things really matters is when I got better at it. I’m 21, so I learned earlier and now I’m on time 95% of the time. What I can say is praising him when he is on time will definitely help. It will make him want to be on time even more. When he’s not on time however, try not to nag him (If this is something you struggle with, I understand first hand as this is something I have had to do a lot of work in) Don’t tell him everytime he is late that “he’s late” or “never on time” if you notice after having the first conversation with him, maybe a month later that things haven’t gotten even remotely gotten better, then you can bring it to his attention again. If he went from being on time once a week to 3 times a week, that’s progression. Changing a behavior takes time (also something I’m learning) so be patient, kind, and gentle! I hope this helps.
I was today years old when I found out tinker bell was trying to kill Wendy. I watched the movie very young and didn’t gravitate towards it so I never remembered the story line but damnnnnnn Tink was terrible.
@@sofiabravo1994 naw, for the right woman that’s not a problem, watch one piece. In fact the more childish y’all can remain the better. Adulthood is just a disease caused by prolonged trauma, being childish is what makes the world go round. 😂
I’d suggest asking yourself a few questions. Why do you want to mother him? Is it because he’s childish and thus could use his actual mother or is it because you’re a bit controlling yourself because you have an urge to control everyone around you due to unresolved trauma? Hope that helps 💛
@@JasmyneTheodora He's a mature man and I'm the one who wants to do childish stuff with him. I am not controlling, I just overcare for him that he finds annoying. Instead he is the one who wants me to be a bit angry and controlling. I'm a calm peaceful woman who doesn't like fighting, sometimes he scolds me "just to make me fight with him" It’s been two years and I haven't had a fight or scolded him even once
I watched a video recently by an older male RU-vidr. He said women should take care of their man like he was your son. He didn't say view him as your son or treat him like your son. He said that women should take care of him like he was your son. He said that women should want to influence not control every aspect of his life. To do that, you should nurture him in a manner similar to what his mother did. Comments?
I do not agree with this extreme statement that mothering your man kills attraction. Lots of men absolutely appreciate a woman that is caring and actually sees him as a fragile human being with weaknesses.
Your comment may come from good intentions, however it shows that you did not watch the full video, or did not watch is thoroughly. You are conflating mothering with being ‘caring’ or acknowledging that your partner is a fragile human being. The two are very distinct things. Mothering is the act of bringing up a child, so a relationship between two grown adults in this case will always be maternally driven as well as the relationship having a power dynamic whereby the women is in a domineering role. Not only does this undermine and cuddle your husband, but places you in a position of authority and power which will conflict with a masculine man’s drive to be seen as proficient and capable. It is important as women to differentiate between the two, because men and women are fundamentally different and these things will be looked upon differently. A man child or boy will welcome this relationship and this will eventually lead to bitterness and burnout on the wife’s part especially after a women has children. Her maternal tendencies will be directed towards her child and not her husband. She will automatically look towards her husband as the head of affairs and leader, however the man will fail to take the lead and this will eventually lead to resentment on the women’s part. As she will not look at her husband as a capable leader ready to take charge , but will look at her husband as a burden or immature child incapable of decision making and this will lead to further cuddling and women concealing their true feelings under scornful comments, underplaying their husbands role and trying to normalise his ineffective actions of leadership and constantly berating her husband or infantilising him. Eventually his offspring or people around him will pick up on this energy and will either emulate it or call it out. These are all things we do not want, a wife should be able to look to her husband as the provider and leader, yes the husband can converse with the women about set issues however it is the man that is the leader and the head. You can have the feminine attribute of caring and being attentive to your husband without mothering him. Caring and being attentive to a CHILD is different from being attentive and caring to a MAN/ HUSBAND. A child is not fully developed, theirs a level of secrecy established because their not able to handle important and sensitive information, this often Infantilises the child and places them as vulnerable. A man on the other hand is a grown adult, effective communication should be established when caring or communicating your concerns albeit in a mature and respectful manner.
@@omo8150 all these so called influencers giving advice on how to treat a man have totally lost their damn mind. Not every relationship dynamic is equal and the Bible says it best: a man should leave his parents and go cling to his wife
I grew up with a childish/immature father which resulted in me watching a toxic peter pan syndrome cycle, therefore I never let myself raise someone’s else son, the only son i helped raise was my brother
Ladies it’s not that our men don’t appreciate us , but men have a “ let you figure out “ kind of approach to help and we have a “jump in and help even if it’s not asked “ . Knowing this will help us understand each other .
I didn't realise how many of these behaviours I followed. I grew up in a household where my mum had to assume a leadership role and my dad could have a temper at times. So I regularly over ask how my partner is doing and take charge of situations. This was so eye opening thank you ❤️
Great video as always. Well thought out and original. I can definitely relate as to emotional monitoring. My fiancée, lovely as she is, has a tendency to ask me if I’m okay. Some days it happens 3-4x a day. I have asked her to please stop asking me that multiple times because I always just say “I’m fine”. I’ll be honest I don’t know why it irritates me so much. Maybe because usually it’s something minor and I don’t even want to address it, or maybe it’s because I will talk about it if I want to. Glad you brought this up because I’ve talked with a friend about it too and he has experienced the same thing.
I’m the wife and my husband was the emotional monitor at the start of our relationship and still sometimes. I totally get how annoying it can be. He would all ask the time if I’m okay and yeah, either I am or if I’m not I will be and don’t need to talk about every little thing 😅 it’s an interesting topic
From my experience it sounds like insecurity. Often women are afraid when men are quiet or distant that theyre unhappy in the relationship. I’ve heard from many guys this isn’t the case. Take it as a sign that she could use some reassurance. In the moment you may need some space, so just tell her your fine but tired or whatever. Then later do something to make her feel special. The more you reassure her the less insecure she’ll be, the less she’ll ask if your alright and the more she’ll trust it’s not about her.
Absolutely love your channel. Sharing truth restrained by love. From one fellow sister in Christ to another, God bless you for speaking on these topics! ❤️❤️
1:52 agree, women nowadays make it seem like the men are supposed to hate their mothers and worship them like there’s some form of Goddess on the Earth it’s so sad
Yes, One way of identifying a man child is they constantly try to escape accountability and responsibility. Another is they can't take criticism like they see that as an attack on them.
@jasmine pls do a video on these three topics, ive severely hurt my chances with someone bec of my lack of maturity and i only had romcoms and aunty culture tell me how to treat ur man, which completely ruined his feelings for me after dealing with it for a year... i dont wsnt to repeat the patterns. I'm trying but i keep feeling insecure that im not good enough bec even weeks of keeping up the good stance i break and burst out immaturely and act crazily
My sister made two children with a Peter Pan. Now she’s alone because he ran off with a Tinkerbell. They’re fun at the start but they can’t handle responsibility and she ended up being a second mother. It destroyed it. He is still just a boy with two babies he never sees (because he’s too lazy).
i got some ideas too on how to stay as a wife and not the mother 1. Understand what makes you feel beautiful and share that with him. It leads to better emotional, mental, and physical intimacy. 2. Express appreciation and be grateful when ypur husband does something for you or for the home. It makes him feel needed and see he has purpose in your life and family life.
Never trust a man that you can’t ask to help put up security cameras around your home or even so much as a doorbell cam because he is very much in cahoots with people who benefit from your lack of protection ✌🏿 I wonder if I made myself clear enough that they better stay tf away from me & keep their roaches to themselves.
We always hear “women like the bad boys” but you are so right. It is not that we like “bad” boys we like Peter Pans. Cute, fun, take you on adventures, seem wild and free. They do tend to always have a tinkerbell on the side and they will never be a masculine leader. So profound.
You have no idea how much I needed this video! I do all of these and am constantly combatting that side of me. I believe it has been the downfall of my past relationships. I am seeing a man who is very masculine and whenever I do any of these things, he will immediately be upset with me. It has been difficult to navigate this because previously I didn’t have anyone to correct me or stop me in my tracks with that behavior. This video is very very helpful because now everything clicks in my mind and I can see how and where I can improve! Thank you!!
@@Satsusss hi yea after 6 years on and off. We finally broke up. In the end he found something to be upset about and decided to break it off. Now that I’m out of that relationship I can see much more clearly that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and he had many narcissistic tendencies. He had a lack of empathy and I don’t use these words lightly at all because it took me so long to understand. Even after applying the key things from this post he would just find other things to be upset over that most people wouldn’t think about. I still think this video is very helpful and I will be applying it to my personality as I am prone to people pleasing. But I will make sure to evaluate the person and be aware of their behavior towards me more.
I love nurturing him not because I think he’s an overgrown boy. And no it’s not a constant thing. While my husband is very secure with himself and regulates his emotions well, at times when he’s under extreme stress I want to support him emotionally and by nurturing him a bit he feels supported and cared for…that’s my role as a helpmate. He has emotions too…God said it is not good for man to be alone. My attraction towards him hasn’t changed but increased. I respect my husband. I love that he needs me and he loves that I need him and yes he’s a fatherly figure to me as well more often because I’m a woman that needs a leader and security. I know men and women are different.
This topic is key in a marriage 👌👌 this is the basis of the empowered wife podcast which I would strongly recommend to anyone who wants to heal their marriage!!! It’s never too late for us wives to learn how to support and walk in unison with our men ❤️ If you are struggling in your marriage at all, i urge you to give the empowered wife by Laura Doyle a chance!
This really exposed some parts in me that I am thankful to learn and willing to change. I don't emotional monitor as much but I am still working on it. The disagreeing one is a huge one for me because if I don't agree with something or don't understand something I will let the person know. I am glad that I know this while being single
Awesome video! I think as Christians, it's better to use the term "mother wound" and "father wound" instead of "mommy/daddy issues." The fact is that we all carry wounds from our childhood because our hearts are made for perfect love, the kind of love that we can only receive from God, but we were raised by fallen/imperfect humans. Even if you had great parents, everyone carries some mother/father wounds. We need to open those wounds up to the Lord in prayer and also open them up to our spouse in a mature way so that we can receive healing. Whereas, I think the term "mommy/daddy issues" really comes from the evil one who wants us to believe that we are unlovable because of our wounds and sins, and he wants us to hide them rather than receive healing. I still completely agree that it's not correct to act like a mother towards a man with a mother wound; that's just replacing one unhealthy dynamic with another. However, I think a man and a woman should be able to open up their wounds to each other in a marriage and be received by each other with tenderness and compassion. I think that is truly how healing and sanctification happen in a marriage!
It’s really great that you are making these kind of videos. I wish I had learned things like this back when I was a teenager/young adult. This is such valuable wisdom…
Could you please tell more of these allegory stories like the Peter Pan one? I find them so fascinating, easy to remember and relate to certain situations in my life and what to look out for!
💯 my ex, 💯 our struggle, 💯 why I left the relationship even though I had so much love for him. Great video, thank you for spreading this awareness. Much needed today.
So guilty of emotional monitoring! I take on others' emotions so it's so important that they be ok. I do that as a mom and a wife. Will be working on this.
You've shared SO many great tips in this video- some I wasn't aware of, so I'm going to have to watch this TWICE! Your ministry and channel are such a blessing- thank you, Jasmyne xo
Thank you ! I definitely noticed that I am such a “motherly “ person and your video came at the right time . God bless you and your message to ladies raised by a fallen world ❤
I have agreed with your videos 100% but I have to say most men are immature manchilds, we should first find the men who aren't like this and THEN not mommy them.
Work on building your trust in your husband. You fear the loss of control, that the outcome won’t be as good as it would have been if you had directed or done it yourself. When you build trust, you’ll be able to relinquish control and let him take care of you without fear.
I do think its good for men though to have some childish nature, especially if they want kids. I think its good for people (who even had bad childhoods) to remember the best moments of their childhood, and hold onto those
Absolutely. Big difference between having certain childlike qualities like goofiness and silliness and not assuming the responsibilities you should assume as an adult 👍
Beautiful video, eloquent and very sweet as always. Ive been guilty of this but learning and maturing, especially as my relationship to God has deeepened and I've come to rest in my feminine nature and true desires which aren't to mother a man, though I had those patterns from unhealthy upbringing. Thank you Jasmyne, blessings and love 🙏🤍🌹⛲
I understand what you’re saying, that should not be the only dynamic of the relationship. However inside of each of us lives the child we used to be, many of whom went through a lot of traumatic instances. Being able to step into that role when your partner truly needs it can deeply strengthen your relationship and make them feel safe. My husband is an excellent provider, leader, husband and father. But there have been times when he needed to allow his emotions to run free, going through an extremely hard time in life, needed a shoulder to cry on, to be held and told it’s going to be okay. There is nothing wrong with stepping into that role on occasion in support of your spouse.
Men do not feel their best when women are taking care of them. Men thrive in masculine and women thrive in feminine roles. Both partners will never be valued enough from each other. I struggled with this in a past relationship. It wasn’t love…
Women in my opinion need to save their mothering instincts for their kids and their attractive, alluring, and caring side for older adults because in my experience even if you truly want to help a man you are enabling them. I called myself helping a man that is proficient at fixing cars and it distracted him and my steering wheel wouldn’t turn. Well because I interfered he forgot to take the suction inlet of my power steering pump because I stepped out “ my comfort zone” by assisting in something he’s excellent at when if I had left him alone he would of figured out that there was a cap on it. So trust me ladies us thinking that men need our help all the time because if these men can be in the military and navigate tough work environments they don’t need our help trust me they are more able and capable than we give them credit for.
Dear jasmyne, I'm new to dating and also the guy I like is inexperienced as well (we're both 21)... could you please make a video on how to be a romantic partner?
Great video! There were some men I dated who were looking for a “mother”, & maybe it’s a coincidence, but I noticed they were the ones raised in day care & were also uninterested in doing the work to grow out of wanting to marry a mother.
RU-vid suggested this video to me, I feel grateful for it, I was in a relationship where this dynamic of mother and son existed, I assumed the responsibility of healing my emotional wounds, I am working In being my best version and this helps me to be aware for my next relationship, thank you!
Your explanation of the Peter Pan story is very profound. How many of us watched this cartoon as a child yet never conceptualised any pointers wht you mentioned....deep...very deep...Thank you so much for your insights
I am so glad I came across this channel before getting married, I never knew emotional monitoring is bad thing because thats hoe they show it in movies that a wife should know when something is slightly wrong with their husband, and thats how she shows she cares for him, also the motherly nature because women want to control husband, but the want to control someone lies in they being immature, hence peter pan. So real solution is not to marry one. THANKS Alot❤️
