It is but I lately have been a little bit more direct and calm in some situations and I think it works, at least to a certain degree. I think you definitely should take baby steps since we, people pleasers, are so heavily conditioned by our past that we figuratively have to crawl back from our "just being kind and not problematic" hole.
I think that’s the problem. You see not speaking up as kind. Being firm is not being rude. For example, a child told to play in the street is not rude or telling someone you are not interested is not unkind but leading them on could be.
I believe it's about how we speak. If your in the moment and all of sudden someone does something underhanded, your initial feeling is anger. If we knew what to say and how to say it, we wouldn't get angry.
Idk why I’m watching this I have to take medicine to not get over angry with people just remember everyone is selfish and acting nice to get ahead and when they take advantage that’s their true colors then your capacity for anger will go up
1. Get in touch with your own needs. Articulate. Minimum requirements. Boundaries. 2. Be confident if your ask is reasonable. 3. See the others point of view. Empathy for self interest. 4. Signal flexibility by giving options. 5. Keep your delivery calm. 6. Make yourself the scapegoat. It's about you anyway and not about arguing them through it. Use 'I have a policy ...' 7. Use the broken record technique. Repeat it.
There is nothing wrong with being nice. I'm nice too and people took advantage of my niceness until I was done with everyone. I got some coaching, read some books, found my voice and now and nice and ASSERTIVE. :-)
21-year-old here dealing with a micro-manager who as of 01/01/2023 will now be a bully boss. I've always struggled to get my points across and to be heard. Recently I've managed to stand up for myself a bit more, finish my sentences and ignore when she buts in, keeping a steady tone and looking her in the eyes while calmly explaining myself. I've been on anxiety meds for years but I'm finally off them due to my progress, I won't let her or any other person make me feel as though I need them again. I will defend myself, I will say no, I will put myself first where necessary. It's all a work in progress but this is my mantra of sorts. My character growth! I deserve respect.
@@serendipitysisters84 (back on the meds now oopsie) but the relationship between us seems to have improved mildly. Less arguing. And I would say I am more confident than I used to be :) I don't regret going back on the meds. 1 step back, 2 steps forward;) you have to have hope in this world. If nothing else^
I was in your shoes in my 20s and unfortunately resorted to alcohol. I'm 40 and only recently began to learn lack of assertiveness has been a big problem for me, I was looking at other areas that weren't the issue. You picked it up earlier than I did.
@@mryan4452 better late than never :) i wish you the best, truly. It wont happen overnight and it is something you have to keep working on, but the outcome will be worth it. X
I think a big in this is keeping it simple. Sometimes we try to reason with people and show them where they are wrong/ how they are mistreating you and this often makes people defensive and want to argue. We simply need to set a boundary with a simple “No” or “Stop” with no explanation. “Stop talking to me like that. I won’t speak to you when you’re speaking to me this way.” And walk away (if possible) if they don’t respect that boundary.
Assertive people aren’t afraid to be wrong. If you don’t like something, speak up, you can apologize later. It’s ok to be wrong. Non assertive people spend a lot of energy making sure they are “in the right” so, when they do speak up that they are correct for doing so. This causes a lot of people to not speak up. It’s ok to be wrong, it’s not ok to let people walk all over you.
I use to be the type that always was a pushover and a "yes" person. To the point that I started realizing that people werent respecting me. You can be nice but still be assertive. I find that it all boils down to how you present yourself overall. If people feel they can get over on you, then they will. But if you from the beginning, come to the table meaning what you say then you will be taken seriously.
Try just saying, "No," and don't explain yourself. People just don't seem to know what to do with that, and they'll be much less likely to try and take advantage of your kindness again.
@@jon_ovo3653 I teach some children once a week, and I must say discovering the power of brevity has been a great discovery at that. One time, I wanted to tell them to quiet down by saying something that tries to be "considerate", such as "Guys, I appreciate that you're enjoying yourselves, but you have to quiet down a bit." The tone of voice is everything here - the actual message is virtually irrelevant because children already know what's expected of them from years of classroom conditioning. When I firmly said, "guys", they all quieted down immediately. I was shocked! I've spent years explaining myself, thinking up the "right way" of saying something... All I needed to do was change how I say something, rather than what I'm saying. This is key to many assertive behaviors. Being able to speak with an assertive tone, rather than sounding timid or unconfident, is something anyone will immediately pick up on.
If you feel upset when you speak, close your eyes, and count to 10, taking in and exhaling a breath for each count. I guarantee you that before I could not speak up for the life of me, if someone spoke to me a certain way, I’d get emotional. But I started practicing that when I felt like I was going to explode, and I’ve de escalated so many situations by doing it, the difference is night and day. It takes quite a lot of practice though, and it takes diligence.
Timestamps 1:51 1- Get in touch with your own needs. 3:39 2- Be confident if your ask is reasonable. 5:38 3- See the other person’s point of view. 5:40 4- Signal flexibility by giving options. 7:02 5- Keep your delivery calm. 7:44 6- Make yourself the scapegoat. 9:31 7- Use the broken record technique.
Definitely needed this. I’ve struggled with being assertive from high school into adulthood. It’s taking a strain on relationships and my career now 👎🏽
As Law Enforcement Officer, I am typically a "nice guy". I am now a Supervisor and had to start being more Assertive. I do this by being more Direct, speak with a certain tone, and show other officers that I am "Not Scared"! I am willing to do anything with little help and most of the time, it comes across good.
I stood for myself and was asked for a personal talk to the chairman and my boss. The talk was like "why did you behave like that? this was not good", like they talked with a child. Not seeing my points, ignoring the fact that I am the expert in the area and other people just said BS. What then?
DonKingKong exactly I completely agree. The same thing happened to me. I stood up for myself, received the silent treatment for months the bully lied on me to the Superintendent, the Superintendent knows this person is a bully because people have reported this person to HR several times and nothing has been done about it. I finally left after 7 years.
I’ve been really nice too long, I have to go back to school assertive, I feel like I came off as weak, every time I spoke up for myself, people would always say I have anger issues or somethings wrong with me, I just want to be respected 😭
Simply put, assertiveness Is a communication style/skill that can be learned and developed. The basic idea is for one to know how, & when to say YES and when to say NO and applying certain degree of courtesy while doing so.😄
Being assertive seems awesome but has anyone else confronted people who don’t respect being told nicely ? I have a co worker who only listens and respects me when I respond to him in an aggressive manner and laughs when I’m nice about things.
That's the similar situation in my job, actually. I think assertiveness works to a certain degree. And for some people it's enough but not for everyone. The simple solution would be to change the department/job itself but most likely it's not really doable. Maybe trying to limit your interactions to just professional stuff will work? Or maybe he's going to crack eventually if you will keep calmly presenting your arguments etc. Personally I love to completely ignore people like that (some say these are toxic people) whenever I can. Just trying not to associate myself with behaviours that are not align with my liking.
true, I dealt with this. Like he said in the beginning, a coworker wasn't pulling their own weight. I asked, and I was upset when I asked and Im sure it showed in my voice. Since then, he does what he's supposed to do. But this was after I started slacking off at work.
I want to invite you to think about how you could say, "Hey Bob! I really enjoy working with you and I want to have more open communication. I don't necessarily like talking to you aggressively and I feel conversations are more effective when they come from a nice point of view. I want you to know that I appreciate everything you are doing here at our company and I don't want to be aggressive. How would you react if I were to tell you something that I felt needed to be changed or improved and instead of talking about it aggressively I would say, I'm serious about this topic and they you would know that is my sign to you signaling that I would talk aggressively about this but I don't want to do that. So when you hear those words that is what I am conveying. What are your thoughts on that?"
This video is absolutely amazing-thank you! I recommend it to all my clients who are working on building their confidence. As a hypnotherapist specializing in anxiety and confrontation challenges, I've witnessed the transformative power of hypnotherapy. Just today, I helped a 67-year-old client overcome a lifelong fear of confrontation, rooted in childhood experiences with his father's anger. For the first time since he was six, he now feels full of confidence. I'm thrilled to introduce him to this assertiveness training video. It's incredibly effective and will empower him to regain nearly 60 years of lost confidence, allowing him to assert himself in any situation. When paired with hypnotherapy, this outstanding video serves as a powerful catalyst for change. Thank you, Kyle, for creating such life-changing content. Best, Richard Bloom Richard Bloom Hypnotherapy
trust me guys, if u just meditate even for 15min for a day, ur connecting ur mind with your heart, once that happens, you speak with ur mind and not with ur heart, this way u can be more clear and people will not try shame you, i myself m not a shrewd person but this has helped a lott!! Hope this helps ❤, ask if u have any questions
If you don't speak up you're screwed because you lose value and feel bad in the long run, if you do speak up you're screwed because you're difficult and people (both their allies and others) support and defend the person who stepped over your boundaries.
I totally agree, I'm such a push over even apologise for things when I'm not in the wrong, just so I don't upset anyone and when I do occasionally try to stand up for myself it comes back at me, and I still end up feeling like I did something wrong, people lost interest if they had any to begin with and don't engage with me anymore, Damned if you do, damned if you don't for me and it makes me so depressed 😔
I used to be very kind and gentle nature. I avoid conflict and used to be people pleased. Then till, I meet with one group pr work bully and it give me long term psychological effect. From that point, I begin to learn and practise assertive skills. I still have fear when I face to so aggressive communication skills . But I think that I will practise everyday till one day, I can face to bully and say to them. " I didnt feel comfortable about what you did to me, you need stop all."
As a teacher/instructor, being assertive can be one of the hardest things to do. Because you’re entire position is based on giving to students and letting them take (information, time, knowledge ect). Any tips for tough situations specifically pertaining to that position?
Hey Chase, being assertive isn't about putting walls and blocking people out. It's simply about being true to your own needs and boundaries. So in your case, perhaps it's about still giving the students an opportunity to soak up wisdom and information from you while also setting appropriate times and ways of doing that. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but perhaps you've found yourself getting burnt out at times when students aren't respectful of your time (either by requiring more hands-on time, or just by not being prepared). I think you have to step back and recognize that if you are constantly compromising your own needs, you won't be able to help your students as well as you can. But if you can assert your own needs and boundaries as a teacher, you'll be in a better position to serve them, but you'll also teach them some larger lessons about the importance of prioritization, time-management, and maybe even delayed gratification. In short, I think you should rethink the idea of writing your students a "blank check" with your time and energy. Again, I could be off the mark since I don't know the specifics for you, but I hope this helps a bit.
Here is one example and how to be assertive. When ordering food through the drive-thru. Don't say can I get a number one with a Sprite. Instead I would like a number one with a Sprite. When you use the word can I get. You asking for permission but when you say I would like, you are being Direct with what you want and how you want it.
I was kind of assertive today (I think) and now I'm fighting the worst anxiety 😂😥 I was at the deli counter and there was no tickets being called so I had a bunch of people push Infront of me I just smiled and waited too anxious to say "hey I was here first!" Anyways I finally get called and this lady confronted me and said she was next...the worker stood up for me and said I was here for a while she demanded to see my ticket (they just started calling numbers as a large influx of customers had lined up) I firmly told her I had been standing there for quite a while and I was infact next...I felt proud for a second and now I feel terrible for not just being quiet and letting her go before me 😫😅
@Ebony 93 Hell no, you did the right thing, and the fact that it made you feel good is proof of that. It doesn't mean you have to do it all the time, but when you're not feeling like taking any crap, nip it in the bud like you did. Pushy people usually aren't the badasses they pretend to be.
Great video and useful tips… I was raised to be a people pleaser by my parents (like a lot of us I think), in my case my mother was also a people pleaser and my father was soft to the outside world but insecure inside and he took it out on us with blind rage… (never physical just insults etc), my mother never defended us and told us to not talk back to keep the peace, hence why I never formed the ability to talk back and to walk away from conflicts because they scare me, and why I take more abuse then what’s healthy for me. I have good experiences in the past though with being assertive (being calm, telling them how it makes me feel, and then they would stop) but I also had a miserable experience which lasted for about 2 years (last job) where I received a lot of verbal abuse at work and always acted like I was ‘above it’ and like it didn’t touch me. I see my mother in my actions since I saw her also take verbal abuse at work and she just kept smiling and sucked it up (while becoming alcoholic, depressed and isolating herself from people, … I have a tendency for addiction too -stopped smoking weed though- but still feel depressed and I have always isolated myself from people because I feel like they eventually hurt me and like I’m too soft to deal with them). So it’s definitely not easy, I even changed work directions because of it, I went to become a truck driver (after having worked in the corporate sector, real estate), I will start work soon and since I will have contact with new people I’m pretty anxious about it and hope I don’t fall into my old habits. When I was young all I could do was either suck it up or become very mad, now I replaced that with being passive and distancing myself. Ahhh I know it’s all part of the journey but life seems like a never ending self help course sometimes, I’m jealous of people who come across like assholes and are respected, but each person has a path to follow and I guess this is mine.
This video has done a great job of clearly explaining and exemplifying what it means to be assertive and communicate assertively. A lot of other videos just put emphasis on describing and soothing "low self esteem", which is assumes that, A. That is the case & B. That the issue is simply "plug the square block I'm the square hole". Definitely with liking, saving, and taking notes.
I definitely found this video very helpful. I sometimes feel too scared to speak up because I’m always worried about how the other person might react lol!
This is very helpful. I am trying to work on not being too nice and not being aggressive. May struggle is to not be verbally aggressive when I feel that someone has been deliberate and malicious in running over clearly stated boundaries.
I have a coworker that is overwhelmed with her work. My manager asked if I'd be willing to take on some of her work until she's caught up. Fast forward TWO YEARS and I'm STILL doing it with no end in sight. Not to mention, NO PAY RAISE for the increased responsibilities. Now that coworker who was once grateful, is emailing me asking me to do more. She says it politely but when I refuse, she starts in on character attacks, accusing me of "wanting to do the bare minimum." If I truely wanted that, I would not take have agreed to take on some of HER work on top of my own responsibilities. It makes me feel bitter about helping her and management keeps talking to her about the way she speaks to me but she's only professional for a few days and goes right back to the attacks. I've been assertive with her but it doesn't work. I've ignored her emails that are riddled with insults and simply forwarded them to the manager and asked that she address the behavior. No change. The manager says she agrees with me, but has yet to give his coworker a WRITTEN warning. At what point do you go to HR? I don't want to create a worse relationship with this coworker (I need her expertise sometimes) or create tention with my manager.
This is interesting... I didn't really think I was assertive at all, but listening to these pointers I am actually pretty assertive - most of this learnt through dealing with customers naturally, I guess it is because it's really good for getting lots of experience with conversating.
This content is a true masterpiece. A book I recently finished on the topic was a catalyst for change. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
"They're just being self-interested, not trying to screw you over." That's good advice cuz I distinctly feel screwed over quite often. Like when the jewelry store showed me manmade stones, when I wanted natural, and DIDNT TELL ME. Then they blamed me for not stating I wanted natural stones only (shakes head). There's a HUGE difference in value, and the prices they quoted me were in line with natural stones, I researched later. I was incensed!! They were trying to take advantage of me for sure. I blew my top at them. Hence why I'm watching this video.
These are reasonable approaches. One thing I’ve noticed this past year is that, this not only applies to people who are “pushovers” but also people who tend to be “aggressive”.
this video really helped me a lot! I've always thought that I am too soft and people just walk all over me. Now I can effectively help myself without sounding too harsh. Thanks a lot! You've earned a like and a subscribe!
Wow just discovered you. Loved this video...!!! I deffinetly need to work on keep my tone calmed. Ive done everything else but without being calmed it doesn't work at all.
Hello professor Thank you so much for your help and advice. I really appreciate your job. I wish you peace and happiness under the sky of prosperity. All the best. Take care and have a good time. Your follower from Algeria
Very informative👌👌.Could you do a video on peer pressure for teenagers and some tips on how to focus on their school work.🏫📝.Looking forward to hear from you.Thank you and God bless you.
thanks Deborah! I don't generally do anything focused at teens, since I occasionally talk about alcohol and other adult stuff. but thanks for the suggestion!
Problem is when I am assertive with people its usually after they have disrespected me and its too late. Often I find that being assertive for me doesn't work and unless u have really strong belief in how and what u say it falls flat. Most people will say "okay," when u tell them what u want but I truly believe most people are just so self interested telling them is often a waste of time. I have lost count of the amount of selfish, unapologetic, remorseless people I have met. Being assertive can be worked on, but I truly believe natural confidence and respect are just natural personality traits which are hard to teach. Its like learning to sing or dance etc... sure u can improve but you will never get to that level of a natural. Before trying to be assertive, if u are a people pleaser or overly aggressive you will need probably hours of therapy and confidence building before it can even appear natural.
This was a very inspiring and enjoyable video to watch! Points were well defined. Overall video was direct and and non offensive (just like the subject matter at hand).
35 yr old female and I was super shy as a kid I d to hold things in like that. I got better at not holding it in and saying things to people but still not that great at explaining myself fully. I still lose my cool sometimes but I don't let it linger forever
I so need to practice this i am such a nice person I put all my needs aside to help others than I find because of my good nature people don't respect me.
Nr. 8. Think what you just dropped (a thought; a question; a need; a goal) from your mind: stop giving attention to the other: some people are experts to confuse one: when you remember what you droped; sure you can pick it up again
This has been the issue my whole life and has held me back. My wife has no respect for me because I'm so passive and afraid of confrontation. I let things boil inside, then I blow up. I've cursed out two bosses. The worst thing is I don't respect myself for not being assertive.
I understand your point. You are trying to make the situation more positive in nature. Don't you know that we have already tried all the 48 power tools to win these situations and it didn't work. The construct of this world is not with the manner in mind. Everything is built from the powerful to the powerless. Look at the world, everything is arrogance in nature. We even invented nukes to level the field to manufacture morality. Don't you know we already failed time and time again! As long as the operating field is not leveled (greed, jealousy, evil, and deception) up the conflict continues. Don't forget the Machiavellianism.
Very interesting! I am a woman but this will be helpful for me at work. I am not a very assertive person and easily backdown so I am trying to find ways to communicate effectively
You've had time to think about this and rehearse this when people are in the heat of the moment with an argument they can't just think of s*** like that you can't either
I find people just don't care what I say or need no matter how or when I say it. It gets forgotten or passed off immediately. I have a feeling that it has something to do with my presence I've been told many times I look and sound like a child pitch wise and I almost feel like I'm being pushed around by adults even though I am one myself. I do get a little more respect with some makeup and mature clothes on though so it kinda proves my point. Also wth are you supposed to do when the other person is completely unreasonable and careless?
I get you, I got that feedback before too. Soft voice could be part of it. Make sure you make good eye contact when you speak. Also speak more slowly and higher volume. If it is at work, tell people what you will share before you share it to keep their attention. And finish what you say even if you get interrupted. You can check this tips too: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-s4V6IpMi7fM.html
I just reamed my boss for not being clear with my schedule and another employee underneath him making it very difficult for me to leave on time. I was very direct. Too direct? Idk 🤔. I just want my time respected. My issue is feeling guilty about it after , like I was too hard on him. I'm also conflicted because I would love overtime... When it's communicated ahead of time , as opposed to pushed on me at the last minute.
A coworker wouldn’t admit he’s going skiing. He’d call in sick instead. At least at my workplace. Then the coworker who gets hit with double the work can’t lay on the guilt trip or hold the colleague responsible for not giving enough notice.
It should be mentioned if you tell certain people your boundaries or what bothers you. They will do those things more. Be aware of who you're around, even if it's your own family or even your parents theh could be narcissistic or enmeshed and use the info you give them against you.
I'VE BEEN ASSERTIVE SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, WHEN MY OLDER SISTERS WANTED ME TO DO CHORES, I WILL ANSWERED BACK WITH ASSURANCE, THAT I WILL DO ANYTHING THEY WANTED ME TO DO, IF ONLY MY MOTHER WILL AUTHORIZED IT.
I have a son, a grown man in his 50s, sometimes I need his help, some support, do I get it from him, no? I've always been independent, stuck up for myself, asked for help to when I require it. Neighbours are giving me gipp, music throughout the night, repetitive, making me ill. Environmental health are dragging their feet, a word from my son would be very helpful! I've given up, we no longer speak. In other circumstances I can assert myself, reach amicable agreement. The neighbours are something else, have mental health issues.
not a man, but I thought this was very helpful, love the policy idea! :) The repeating tip, and the modification instead of no were really helpful too!
What if I already do all of these but people (my parents to be precise) still ignore me/get angry at me/want to surpass me when I'm talking about my needs and ideas?
