How To Be Very Attractive  

Well that’s the hardest part. Not playing victim but being sympathetic to own insecurities. If that is my normal attitude to myself, than other people can mirror calm and positive attitude to me since I show them this example. But once there is any issue, any struggle - it becomes a matter of surviving to not expose myself to the part of opening up. Unfortunately I am not good at either approaches, so I just feel lonely and isolated.

@@АндрейКвасов “I’m such a weirdo, I don’t know when to stop talking, I’m so annoying” bad. “I struggle with anxiety, I hope to find a sense of peace soon.” Good. It’s how you frame it. If people act like dicks at your most vulnerable moments then they’re not worth your time. Be with those who appreciate and love you.

Yes, absolute truth! Owning it without criticizing yourself. Thanks for the reminder!

Yes! Self-aware vs self-conscious, I think it can be a tricky transition but an important one to make

​@@MarioGrecoI agree. I don't like the example they gave. Yours is better. Also, confidence (not cocky about being less good at certain things) is important because if you speak about it like you have a disease, they'll treat you like you have something bad and leave.

I must be super attractive then...i'm super aware of my crazy and don't hide it haha I do give fair warning

No. That’s not the gist. The gist is know your imperfections and be honest about them.

Lol. This has not been my experience. I am crazy self-aware and fairly open. I have had almost zero success with women.

​@@joeleek9976Cheap, broke, stingy? Self awareness is essential but not enough!

@@joeleek9976Same 🫤

Hell yeah 🖤 honesty is very sexy

Did he ever call you again? Hope so.

Google listening in on your date 👀

So you finally found your match..congrats

You know, it could also be a reaction you had to this guy. The fact that your body and mind is feeling out of place/irritated when you're around him, could be your intuition trying to tell you something about him. And It's important to pay attention what signs your body is sending you, especially when you're on a date. 💕

Be yourself apologetically 🤬🤬🤬

​@@yesyesyesyesyesyes2021 Why?

What if both people like each other a lot but there is a problem that needs to be worked on for example someone being closed off or not being able to communicate their feelings clearly? Is it foolish to try to fix it together, or should they be left alone to fix it themselves?

​@@TheGreatWasian_ I'm no expert on the matter, so I'm just sharing my thought on this. I think it first starts by asking some questions (rather to oneself, or to the other person, depending on the goal). 1) Is the person aware they're being closed off and unable to communicate their feelings? Do they wanna work on it? 2) If the person is unaware, did you tackle the subject? What was their reaction? Open or closed to acknowledgment? Based on that, I'd say: if the person is aware and has expressed a will to work on it, showing support and wilingness to go through that process with them can go a long way. All while giving them some space when they need it. And yeah, this might be tricky, as they're specifically unable to communicate their feelings.. ^^" I think it could help if, when noticing signs of discomfort, you express something like "I see/feel you're uncomfortable.. Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?" It could be the first step for them toward expressing their feelings. And, if they're unable to request being left alone, maybe say something like: "I see you're uneasy. Maybe you want time alone, but find it hard to tell me..? If so, it's ok. I'll be in the kitchen, ok? You can come find me whenever you want, be it in 2 seconds or 2 hours. Love you." - allowing them alone time on their own terms, all while still being supportive and showing you care. Showing that you respect their boundaries can be a step towards being able to communicate feelings that can be hard to put into words. Of course, self-reflection is important. And if the person expresses that they prefer to go through this alone, it's important that you respect their request, all while making sure they know you're there if they ever need you: being a crutch they can lean on, not an escalator. If that makes sense.. ^^" If the person is unaware and/or unwilling to work on themselves, there's nothing much more you can do.. beside showing over and over again that being honest and vulnerable around you is safe. I'm saying this, because, how I see it, is that someone won't express their feelings now because expressing their feelings in the past has lead to bad consequences. Staying distant and silent was the "safest" option, so the nervous system has to adapt to a new reality, with time and consistence. Another reason might be that they themselves have a hard time identifying and understanding their emotions. This is called "alexithymia", if you wanna look it up. All this being said, I hope all goes well for you both in the long term! It's also important that you stay aware of how this situation and dynamic affects you personally. It's important that you respect your own boundaries as well. Be a support, not a pillar. I wish you all the best!

@@julsstay74 that advice seems so incredibly relevant and specific to my scenario. Almost like it’s God-sent. Seriously, thank you so much. I’m going to read this over and over a few times and make sure I can internalize this so I can properly be there for this girl in the way that she needs me to. Thank you.

@@julsstay74 it seems like you have gone through something similar. It does seem like a good idea to give her space when she needs it and to be able to pinpoint space whenever it seems like she needs it. My issue is that if I saw something was wrong I would try to ask her directly what is wrong and she just wouldn’t tell me and it would cause a lot of stress on both ends.

This should be top comment

It sounds like a great way to weed out superficial idealists

I know what you mean. 🥰

What was the joke? Lol

@@DanniBby I said something like "don't be mad at me papa" in a flirty way

@@Morale_Booster that is funny

username checks out

All the normal rules don’t apply when dealing with a narcissist. By their nature they stomp on boundaries, and flip the social contract on its head. It doesn’t matter how genuine and authentic you are, the narcissist is not meeting you in a genuine or authentic way. They’re in a competition with you, in a game you didn’t even know you were playing in the first place. Any “weakness” you share with them, will be tucked away to be used against you at a later time. They’re playing 4D chess when you just thought you were on a coffee date. They literally have an injured brain, it can never be healed, your empathy will be used to hurt you. It’s like you’re in the room with a demon, you better never turn your back on.

True narcissists aren't typically self-aware, but they are pretty good at pretending to be as a manipulation tactic. They can even portray themselves as empathetic & selflessly caring for others (esp on social media), but they treat their partner like crap. It's all part of the game in creating a façade for the attention & flying monkeys.

​@@sighthoundlady15Jesus Christ heals, if we allow Him❤

Brilliant!! I love what you share with us, Alan, and the way you share it! ❤

That's what I was thinking; the worst thing you can say to a narcissist. You are telling them you can gaslight yourself.

Fair enough. But it seems a moot point. Why would anyone (who isn't self-destructive themselves) aim to attract such a person?

@@MaryDunfordit just happens sometimes. People don’t think about the bad things in someone when they like them. They find out about them later.

Self-awareness is a never ending project. The type of person you are describing believes they have a little book inside them and they just need to read all the pages, and then they know their flaws and wonders and will forever and ever be completely known. They proclaim, “I have issues”, or tell you their issues quite readily as some kind of armor without doing more work and call themselves self-aware. This is akin to having a leak in your bathroom and shouting, “There’s a leak!” and expecting that to be the end of it. Perhaps the video (though it was a short) should have made the distinction that it’s the people who endeavour to continue mining themselves, accepting what they find, and showing compassion to themselves and others through the process, with some humor to boot, that are truly self-aware. But people who just repeatedly tell themselves they are “self-aware” or seek confirmation from others they are self-aware by unabashedly dumping their problems on to any passing soul are, usually in my experience, not very self-aware. Another poster displayed this quality talking about being on a date and unfortunately feeling quite moody, but not knowing why. They explained it, and luckily the date found it “mature and sexy”. Not everyone will, but it worked out. The poster seems like the type of person who doesn’t just label themselves “self-aware” but goes about the journey expecting a lifelong discovery of mountains and valleys.

Completely agree

I feel you.

If you be yourself, you are eventually going to find your 'tribe' 💖 Maybe you search in wrong places :)

Same here. Thought I finally met like minded people, but they run away when I opened up my heart to them 😢

May I ask what are your interests? got me very intrigued. Sorry for the weird question 😅

Huh

So you must be a liar

Personally, I find journaling and therapy are the best paths to self awareness 😊

We are born with some really loud self awareness! Wet? WAAAAAAH! Hungry? WAAAAAH! Some folks don't move on from there though, granted.

Well, I’m more familiar with empathy (which is a close relative) and yes - we have a set point in terms of that because we’re built differently. But we can improve it with some training or guidance from an expert (a counselor most likely). You can see some of this play out in career choices - a counselor will usually have a lot more empathy and self awareness than a computer programmer 😊 Always exceptions of course, but we know we’re built differently (personality psychology shows us that with a good distribution of people based on most anything you want to measure - self awareness, assertiveness, empathy, introversion, etc.) We also know that we can improve/change certain behaviors, but I think most psychologists would say we can only change so much from where we start from

Yes, this happened to me, I opened up and was very clear I understand I seem a bit weird and crazy, and they took it as a gift to just blame me and couldn't see their own behaviours. Glad to be Free at least, sad, I really liked them at first, but no self-awerness to be found.

I know plenty of people that dislike self aware people, but that’s simply because they aren’t good people & want someone they can manipulate & control.

the majority of people aren’t self aware. and plenty of people like them.

That indeed is true! Maybe this is why i often time am good at discerning people's intentions, if they are good or not and simply what type of people they are in the first interaction with them..of course i do not let the first impression lead the way i interact with people, because that would be a big mistake on my part but i do keep it in mind.

Eh. I try to be aware that others have different motives than I do, so I tend to give others more of a pass if they might be having a bad day. So I tend to get a bit more burned even if I may keep them a little farther than a more trusted person. I think I'm pretty self aware. I don't do it entirely out of nice-ness. I also want others to be fair minded of me when I'm cranky or uncharacteristically rude.

Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.

Trueee!

I love this!! Good on you! 😊

Yeah but you were only weird according to her. What if her perception of your weirdness is actually awesome to you and others like you.

My grain of sand to your story and, more generally, to the opinions expressed in the clip: I'm not sure everyone reacts in the same way when someone else shares with them their "craziness/vulnerabilities". From my experience, there were those who felt directly threatened, while others were genuinely surprised, and some were even concerned and a bit cautious. I don't think I ever met anyone who was pleased or amused by it😅. Obviously it also depends on the degree or kind of craziness we have and decide to share..😊

I agree

Yes! Because I also saw their flaws, and they were shocked. The difference is I accepted them, but they could not. Sad

@@somethingbambi875 I fully agree but I also want to add that these people usually tend to deny and or ignore flaws in relationship. Flaws are natural, we learn from and work on them. But they won’t go away by looking away.

My self-professed ‘avoidant’ husband is very awarely distancing himself from me - and he seems to be edging further and further the more I discover and deal with my own childhood trauma, hang ups, and addictions. He has no interest in working on himself ……………………..

Mostly they aren’t ready for the accountability that comes with self awareness or they’re toxic & want someone that isn’t self aware making them easy to manipulate and control.

Exactly

Looks get a man on a date. But this is how to keep them

Women beat themselves of for looks, not men. Men dont even look so detailed at your looks, its yourself.

Yeah women are saints who don't go for looks or bank balance right? 🤣

or every woman on a dating app

Everyone is crazy but in different ways. Crazy is an umbrella term and covers a wide range so yes everyone can be uniquely crazy. It's like saying everyone is hungry so no one is hungry. Sounds good but everyone really is hungry, just at different times.

@@currentlynoname7499 still doesn't make sense to say sorry then for being crazy/hungry

I'm sorry to hear your dad said that too you. It must feel hurtful. Try to reparent yourself. My mom used to put me down. I am now reparenting myself and tell myself "You are my favorite!", "It's okay!", "We got this and you got me!"

@@caseywun390 thank you

don't listen to your dad I'm sure you are kenough ♥

Well, maybe you can work on how you 'serve' the info to the other person?;)

Yeah but that’s not a good enough reason to not be vulnerable with ppl anyways, just do you.

That's exactly the kind of person you'd need to weed out. Still stay true to you. It's the best way to expose people who aren't for you!

Agree

I think you missed the point

I have this tendency too. I've never been rejected too bad until this year. It isn't bad rejection but it still is... I'm starting to wonder if true friendships exist. What do you think?

I personally think that whoever coined the term trauma dumping has a serious empathy deficit and most likely can't handle the impact of their own ill actions on other's lives. Now, if the person or people to whom the trauma is disclosed gently state that they're low on energy or bandwidth that day due to other circumstances, that's completely fine and understandable.

The difference is you don't have to tell people your weaknesses when you just meet them. You work on your weakness on your own/with close friends or family, if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, obviously they will become someone you share all of your weaknesses and strengths with, but they aren't on that level before you even start dating

You don't get the point, self awareness is important because it let's you know that the person can grow with you. If you and your significant other start living together, they will be able to see what traits you have that clash, and how to make them not clash, how to work together, how to exploit both of your strong suits and protect the others weak points. And ofc this goes both ways, so I suggest you start learning how to be self aware

@@yesyesyesyesyesyes2021 I didn’t comment that self-awareness was bad. I commented that it doesn’t add to anyone’s attractiveness and that anyone who tells people all of their crap as soon as they meet them is setting them up for more crap. In addition people should know someone’s issues and challenges long before deciding to live with them. Learn. To. Read.

@@serenityjewel you heavily implied that self awareness isn't a desirable trait, so I told you to learn how to be self aware bc of all the benefits I said in the last one. And yes before you start living with someone you should know their downsides, but that is learned in the dating stage when you two learn each other, not told from the get go

@@yesyesyesyesyesyes2021 Nope. I did not. You read that into my comment, which is completely separate from me implying it. My comment is in response to the video telling people to lead with their challenges in relationships. My experience, which is the first thing I stated, is that people who begin relationships telling people everything that’s wrong with them are generally unhealthy and not trying to get better. Like you said, we learn about people’s downsides in the dating stage, not by having them told to us from the get go. I never implied self awareness was negative because I don’t believe that it is. Self awareness, combined with action, is the difference between living a mediocre life of disappointment and struggle and living a great life of satisfaction, happiness, and joy.

@@serenityjewel ok 👍

In the short run yes. But in the long run, the importance of looks fades.

@@sadiadagreatThat’s true however physical appearance is the thing that makes you approach the person in question yet alone to be willing to go on a date.

​@@sadiadagreat wholly disagree. It might not be the most important thing over time, but it will always be important. Social studies show time and time again that the success of relationships long term boils down to whether or not the couple finds each other physically attractive long term. The good news is, what a person finds physically attractive can change over time, and personality can influence that to a degree.

you are already on a date. physical attractiveness is a given.

@@tmgn7588 I don’t understand please elaborate

Yeah, but only if you are also good looking, tall and rich:)

Good looks inevitably fade.

​@aprilbarter but they're the best attention grabbers, and people usually have more tolerance with prettier people

​@@aprilbarterMost attractive males retain their height, facial structure and build, even as they age. The features that men find attractive in women are more likely fade with age, which is why men will often cheat with a younger woman. (E.g. Dave Grohl)

Lol! True