How to Date Like You Had a NORMAL Childhood 

These recommendations also go for friendships. I get too intimate too fast with everyone I meet. I act as if we’ve known each other forever and disclose way too much of my personal information almost immediately. Thanks for these insights.

In my youth it was usual to have sex with someone, then find out if you actually liked them. So holding off on sex is good advice. I suggested this to my daughter who made her longterm boyfriend wait 2-3 months to see if she liked him before they got beyond friends. It is delightful to see how confident and happy she is with him. Waiting really sorts the worthwhile from the players.

This is soooo true. I craved emotional intimacy so much that I jumped into physical intimacy too fast and actually felt super uncomfortable in those "relationships" because I didnt give myself enough time to get to know them, and thus, thought there was something wrong with ME. Deep down, this is not how I wanted to go about dating, I wasn't always like that. I feel a lot healthier now. Last night I said to myself, "Do you think its possible someone can love you even with your anxiety?" & it actually made me cry. I released a lot of built up pain & feelings of being unlovable.

As someone who had a nice childhood, I feel people with normal childhood are often also not okay with having sex and then being discarded. It's the dismissive avoidants (attachment style) who can do that. And perhaps there is a difference for women and men, women being the ones to bond more easily. It's weird how we're being told that we should have sex with whoever we like and it has no bad consequences for us. I don't think it's the case for the majority.

I have felt ugly for most of my life. Unfortunately, it didn't help that people told me that it wasn't true. I literally defended the idea of being ugly. I now know that I did this to protect myself. At one point in my life, I gave up dating or hoping for a relationship. Only a few weeks this changed drastically. I met a young woman I fell in love with. I think it's extremely unlikely that she will return those feelings, but that's not the point either. All this long-suppressed longing for love suddenly breaks out of me. It is incredibly painful. Your videos help me understand me better. so much of what you say applies to me. I think there was at least one major trauma in my life, as I was hit by a car when I was seven and had to spend 3 months at hospital. I also come from a quite disfuncitonal family, as I had to see how my dad beat up my mom.

This was really validating. I had been doing structured dating (without calling it that) for many years, and it even resulted in my most meaningful relationship yet, which lasted 5 years! That said, we broke up for many reasons over a year ago, and ever since I've had a lot of set backs... the ambiguous loss of that relationship has re-activated many childhood attachment wounds and I feel like I've been stumbling around bleeding on every possible relationship I touch. This reaffirms for me I can, and really have to be, discerning to stay regulated and open to possibility.

1. know what you want in a partner 2. date and be ready for the person you want, let the people go you dont want 3. dont get too fast to intimate with the people you date 4. be cautious with having sex

Less self-love blabber, more self-respect lessons !

I found you recently and have been binging your channel. You are hitting a deep spot within me that has been needing a voice. Thank you. God bless you. 🙏💗🙏

Healing involves bold choices! What a great statement! Done the too fast thing. Did not realize it was because of childhood ptsd, but it is now making sense. Lots of stuff in my childhood, teen years. Sex? I was raised to wait until you are married. What happened to that? I did wait until we were married with my second husband, but it still did not make a huge difference, he had too many addictions and I just can't live like that. Anyways, great video, thank you. I really ENJOY your calm, kind approach, not making viewers feel bad for past decisions. Easy to listen to suggestions from someone like you. You are very helpful

Yeah I’m one of those that has really wanted love and a relationship but managed to avoid getting into any relationships at all so far. I kind of became a bit suspect of myself because of this fact as in that it’s weird that it’s something I wanted so much but it never happens. Also I started realising this year with a couple of bad dating experiences that I don’t have the capacity to have good boundaries in certain situations. Thanks to your videos and other searching I’ve done I’m starting to see how deep cptsd goes. It’s like my brain goes offline and I can’t process situations properly in the moment. And then I look back retrospectively and feel really ashamed of myself for not knowing how to better handle a situation with a pushy guy or something. But it seems like I should cut myself some slack. It’s hard to date when you feel like you can’t trust yourself to be discerning and also when you feel triggered by getting close to people and the whole mess of when/how to mention you’ve got certain issues due to cptsd. It’s like...that’s not a fun thing to say about yourself. But your videos are an incredible resource and I’ll definitely be checking out that course!

I met the most amazing man. I recently wrecked that relationship because of my own fears and anxiety. I'm finding it so hard to forgive myself.

Yeah, oversharing and rushing is actually bad for yourself, because you just don't know person and they know already much about you. I have this compulsive urge to share and then man think I'm stupid and try to manipulate me in just sexual relationships. There was times when I got trapped. But what helped me in dateing is to remeber- to not ignor my emotions. When I started to pay attention more on what I feel during interaction- it helped me, because desperation is closing eyes on all red flags.

I was diagnosed with complex trauma and PTSD 1.5years ago, I'm a 57 year old woman worked a diligent 12-step program, worked as a drug and alcohol counselor and I'd many years of therapy had absolutely no clue PTSD, and went to therapy because I looked around and realized I never had meaningful relationships, never trusted and gratefully had a trauma-informed counselor was able to to really help me understand some things and it amazes, so as I learn he'll accept this diagnosis and desperately wanted a relationship that's based on healthiness I am lost I just began watching your videos and I absolutely they've been so helpful to me because I want to know and understand more and you're fat you're helping me do that and I appreciate it so much, I can't wait to see more as I begin looking at what I really want in a relationship what I bring to the table what's compromisable I didn't have a clue cuz I never looked at that therefore I've never had any successful.relationships, I truly look forward to learning more and listening to more your videos thank you so very much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have someone whom I feel deeply for. He has had a “complicated” childhood too and has had a relationship history similar to mine. We both want to do it slow and get it right. We are both well prepared to move on if it isn’t right as we already know the hell we can get stuck in. I have concerns because of my over sensitivity to be aware of not seeing things clearly and being aware we both have patterns of fear of rejection and abandonment and knowing anxiety does not always look pretty. I am so grateful to you and your videos and when I can afford your course on my disability pension (for CPTSD and related issues!) I’m going to get it. I know it will be life changing. I thank you for you everyday now I know of you as I feel so understood and now better understand myself. Spending much of my first 53 years on my “own” even in (narcissistic) relationships and the last 3 years on my own in peace has been the best not having to put up with abuse and the chance to see the truth you can’t in the chaos and start to heal.

the title!!! :´D maybe it´s just me, cause having a weird sense of humour is one of my coping skills, but gosh...this title just made me laugh out loud. :D thanks for your content. as always VERY helpful, and delivered in your calm, structured, soothing way.

I like you....you just connected all of my relationship puzzle pieces together in 7 minutes and I've been trying to figure this out for 20+ years

When I was growing up my authoritarian parents' views on dating and sex were ANCIENT. I went where the attention was (over-eager charmers) and missed signals from the nice boys. Even though I always tried to go slow it seemed I was in the relationship and only then saw they were not husband material for me, so ended things. One day I hope to keep my anxious attachment in check while I give us both a chance to develop a true healthy connection.....for life.

You’ve certainly blossomed since this era. Love it!

I feel like this type of person doesn't exist in this day and age for us :(

6:26 For those unsure how long they want to wait: For long term intentions, 3 months is a good rule of thumb.

Hi, do you have any recommendations for people who have had turbulent childhoods but have become more avoidant than anxious? I have standards and boundaries and pick good partners; the problem comes in when it’s time to get close to them. It seems like most of your advice is to those who are more anxious and get too close too soon. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.

You added more value to my life than anything else many thanks

Attraction makes things seem almost impossible.

43 and never had a boyfriend... mom told me no one would ever love me and it was true. 25 yrs of trying and I have a 100% rejection rate (I'm big and not attractive), it just wasn't in the cards for me. I stopped trying about 3-4yrs ago. I don't want anyone to settle for me then I have to listen to a lifetime of being bitched at. I hate being lonely but it's a peaceful life. I think the kind of loneliness I have will lead to a much shortened life (which is actually a huge relief).

This is exactly what I needed right now! Thank you!

But I've also been accused of being "misleading" and "deceptive" when I haven't brought up my issues early on. So, you can't win.

Not ready to date, but I will reference this when I am

Everyone needs this advice👏👏👏

Thank you soo much ! This is some of the best information ive ever heard what a great simple delivery! Subscribed❤️

That's why we wait until marriage, don't bond with someone not 100 percent committed.

I can relate!! Thank you for covering this topic!!!

Almost impossible to meet someone worth dating.

The optimal start is the idealisation and a following discard phase. This is pure health.

I see the sale ended. My friend just referred me to your page and videos. If I am able to get a discount, I would love to try this course. Unfortunately, I cannot afford full price right now.

I do this all the time.. go all in thinking this person is the one and yet keep others as friends or buddies.. the one i want i never get cuz act stupid n needy the others i careless and hv most attention from… i just want to date normal

Thank you for these precious videos

God bless you for trying to help men and women date properly,very thoughtful of you. Pray to our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ for guidance if you're dating or looking for a serious GF/Fiance. I didn't pray for MANY years and it still haunts me to this day and probably will for many years. You dont want to be me so pray every morning,midday,and at night,please. Fr.Lasance Missal has many useful constructive prayers for each section of the Day.

Thank you for giving us hope for love and happiness ❤️

How do you do this while not feeling abandoned?

Unfortunately this doesn’t take into account the reality of the dating market today. Lady, your work is fantastic for self healing, but you don’t understand how today’s dating landscape is structured with dating apps and social media. Your method applies more to women rather than men. The way your relationships happened isn’t common in the least bit for most men. We don’t just get happenstance scenarios.

How can I get over the crippling fear? I freeze up and can’t think or talk correctly. I feel like I’m out of body watching myself be a fool and I can’t do anything about it.

Thankyou, this makes so much sense xxxx

A covert narcissist will slip tight under all of this...

What’s normal? What everyone else is and I am not?

What if no one opproaches you? I consciously avoid online dating because is full of emotionally unavailable low value guys.

This is a good subject.

People like that… pretty much don’t exist though

thanx

You are lovely!

How do I enroll in your online course? Any links available??

I have worked longer and harder and smarter than anyone including you but nothing works. GOD IS OBVIOUSLY THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP ME NOW.

This is misleading. I had ptsd and crappy childhood and learned to do these things on my own, I also met many people who came from loving families and ended up with toxic partners abusive etc. There is no such thing as "normal" . But good points for sure ❤

Wildest dreams.

😂😂😂 here for the title

I think a good amount of time to get to know someone is 10 years. Is it a good timing?

Awesome

no, i did not have a normal childhood , i will not try to deceive anyone that i did. no dating, no relationships.

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💓💓💓

❤️❤️❤️

There are several problems before we even start. although I know your motives are excellent. However, you say 'if' marriage is what you want. But this is the thrust of most of your videos. Assumptions that began in l3th century around 'true love', based on some daft poets like Dante, and Feminisism which generally suggests sex before marriage is a good idea, even if you are 'in love' Most cultures do not date and guess what, there is a reason for this. Being alone with a man who does not know you, your friends or your family is fundamentally a very bad idea - thousands of years of human history were not turned over by Simone de Bouvoire who ended up lonely and sick in a hotel. Secondly, by the time you are 25 your choices have reduced radically - cos the good guys have gone - thus by all means go to University but get married while you are there and do not leave motherhood until your 30s. The greatest guy I ever met was when I was 12, and this was considered rather silly, as I hadn't seen the world and dated a lot of people. Trust me he would have made an excellent husband.Guidance of your ancestors religions will have much more common sense in it than 21st century psycho babble based on the terrible ideas which have confused women and men introduced by Existentialists i.e Atheists like Johnny Sartre and Germaine Greer. Not being married is a social stigma, that is why it makes us so uncomfortable, but women who achieve good things are often not married. I know women who have met the love of their life in their 70s - but to give false hope to millions of women is, in my opinion, erroneous, and we should look at ways of avoiding everything that suggests that you have failed if you do not have a man in your life. You have not. If you feel lonely and empty it is not the lack of a man or love - you can make loving choices every moment of the day. You would be surprised how well I sleep and how wonderful and peacefully I wake up. Pray,pray and pray. Have done it for 30 years - and I was the Queen of Depression - I still have it, but I turn these periods of a week or so, into retreats and give thanks for the bad as well as the good in my life. Truly it works. Good luck, the pain you feel is real, but you are loved you just cannot feel it because of your childhood and it ain't coming from the exterior. Crappy childhood fairy, much of what you say is true, but perhaps you should make it clear that your message is 'how to find a husband'. Good luck with your project.

You look GREAT with your hair pulled back like that. Looks better than when loose. God bless.

There is no such thing as normal people.

I waited 6 months before having sex with my last partner. We spent that time talking everyday, he was extremely patient, sweet etc but still he turned out to be a bad egg

Before watching: It involves leaving the house, doesn't it?

Still struggling to get into a relationship period. Affection, intimacy and love of any sort are not things Ive ever experienced before. At this point I'm just turning into a bitter and hateful person. I'm having success healing in other areas of my life but this one is the big barrier that keeps dragging me down.

Does anyone else have the opposite problem and keep potential partners at a distance??

Wish I had youtube back when I was starting out in life. 🙁

I’ve said this before on your videos but i really can’t get over how I wish I’d seen these in my teens and twenties... I feel like my life would have been so much less traumatic in the relationship department. Learned these things the hard way.

Thank you for this! My wife of 21 1/2 years passed away in June of 2017 from brain cancer and I have been hesitant to re-enter the dating thing. I am taking master's classes (Liberty U.) to be a counselor and read about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) which then led me to Childhood PTSD. Being a Vietnam veteran my wife always suspected that I was suffering from PTSD but whenever I took the test on the Veterans Administration website it came up negative but when I took the test from your website and scored rather high. My mother passed away when I was 6-years-old and my Dad married an evil woman who became my evil stepmother! I look forward to taking your online course. My next subterm starts on March 18th! I just met someone and am going to go out to dinner but from the initial chat with her, it sounds like she had a crappy childhood too!

I have been really enjoying your videos because I am not a person with CPTSD, but I have a ton of girlfriends who are. I seem to collect these beautiful, amazing, compassionate women who are extremely wounded and lonely. My husband and I often find ourselves being surrogate parents for these friends and we watch them cycle through really unhealthy relationships and traumas. I've never really known how to help...other than being a friend, but recently, I've started sharing your videos with them. I hope very much that they will watch and heal and find the happiness they deserve. You seem to have really dialed it in, and you are able to articulate your concepts in easy to understand ways. Wow, you are an angel! Or a fairy...but whatever, I can see that you are a force of GOOD in the world. Thank you for what you do.

Oh boy, did this one make me uncomfortable. First, I am one of those who focus on the needs of my past partners and not myself. Then I would become, as if I were an actor, what I believed she wanted me to be. I would then find myself walking on eggshells, afraid that the real me would pop out accidentally and ruin everything. I've been married three times and I can say that they never really knew me and I never really knew them either. I was so focused on them, that I didn't slow down and really experience them. And this, along with being mucho Codependent is exhausting, both on me and my past relationships. And now I'm scared of repeating it all over again. It just seems that no matter how hard I work on myself, I still win at shitty Relationship Bingo. I end up with a lot of drama (which I'm attracted to at first) or a cold fish emotionally.

You are 100% spot on with structured dating. The more space that the wrong relationship(s) takes up in our lives, the less space we have to give to to the right ones.

I always question WHEN is the right time to bring up the fact that I have trauma and that the relationship may be more work than a relationship with a "normal" person? I don't want to drive the person away, but I also feel like I can't enter a relationship without bringing it up and having a serious discussion about it. Because I don't want to make the relationship official in any way and then have them leave me because I'm "too much", because I have relational trauma that can only be worked through via relationships. I want them to know exactly what they're signing up for. There will be some days I'm going to need assurance and a little extra love and care. And I don't know the best way or time to bring that up because it's a very heavy, personal subject.

I can't get through the 1st date because either they are trying to rush things or I see big red flags. If one would take the time to get to know me, I could and would want to kiss him. If I found out he was someone I wanted. lol

First question should be , are you ready to date? Maybe not and that's okay. I find men often persue and it can be difficult to get them to understand that you are not interested in dating. I'm not sure why that seems so extreme. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to be alone, work on yourself.

any suggestions for what happens when you use a structured approach, connect with someone intellectually and emotionally before physically, but then they sense something is off when it comes to the physical aspect? In my experience, the type of people I connect with intellectually are very different from those I connect with physically. So there is a lot of passion with the wrong type of people and a lack of that passion with the right people. Combining both of these is my biggest challenge. I've always had really good female friends that are smart, nice, educated, from good families, etc. but was never really sexually attracted to them as my feelings led me to women with more issues. Thanks

can you do another video like this to give us an example of what Healthy Relationships look like?

Wish this concept of structured dating had been taught to me when I was about 10. Seriously, I hope you get to share it with a young population web wide.

I LOVE this video! Thank you!!! I’m worthy of structured dating! 💕

at over 40..lol..I am happy today, single...lol

"What if you only had sex with someone who knows you and loves you, is committed to you, and can handle what comes up for you emotionally" Trauma Me: Well I guess I'll never have sex again..

This video helped me in meeting my now partner, a relationship like no other. Dysregulation is very minimal but when it occurs he helps me through it. Structure is that word I was looking. Thank-you

I´m swedish, we get-got crap education from the start ;) So this could be great to teach teens a bit about today, again. Some real Respect on both sides. And also, about more than just sex, respect for our bodies our beings and our feelings. I´m 61 and, I dont want crap or someone just to have someone in my life. I do want better relationships, both friends and maybee a man in my life again. If it comes out of respect, and a real willingness to be together, in both. Have had to say: No No NO, so many times, cause I´ve felt that terrible neediness, or the angers fears in some, in too many men in my age. They are terrified of anything more, than a woman, who do, or say are, anything else, "what they want her to do" I am not that woman, anymore! Had some good PT´s for that too :) Thats Freedom, and being able to feel when one should say: Yes, or No. And you are Fresh Air, to listen to!

Are there any vids on cptsd and Stockholm? I’m 30 years in and don’t know how to get out with a narcissist... help please!

I agree Skywatcher...I am 63 now and for the first time in my life, I have healed enough on my own that I do not even want a man bringing his baggage into my life...I have become self sufficient and secure all on my own and I love my life...society programs us to want relationships because there is big money in it. Women on their own are a threat to society...and sex is not what it is cracked up to be....I feel men want to go after women for the sex mostly instead of wanting a trusted friend, etc.....lets not buy into the assumption that you are not "complete" without a "man"!.... I am so happy ...this is the best time of my life!...and I have animal companions which fill the need to love and be loved...

Your videos are really of public utility. You're answering questions I've had for years. Bless you

Who would have thought, what I really needed in my life was structure ☺️

How do you do the small talk? When people are talking about their families, I feel intense shame that I can't say "Same! My parents were great!" I know what people say about girls with "daddy issues", some of it has been said to my face. I end up talking to people who relate to bad families, even though what I usually say is "I'm not really close with my parents, just my brother." Since I don't know what healthy families look like, I ended up dating mama's boys enmeshed with toxic mothers because "look how family-oriented he is!" And healthy people run from people like me .... and they should. So, fairy, how do you handle the early stage of getting past small talk?

I love this and it pinpoints the problem I’ve had in dating where the guy wants to move way too fast and it’s overwhelming to me and their feelings and/or ego are hurt that I don’t want to move fast. This is a common problem. It turns me off and pushes me away. I don’t know how to explain it to them or get them to transition to a slower approach Without hurting their feelings and their taking it personally

There are a lot of good women out there over 40 but there aren’t that many good men out there. There just aren’t.

Thank you so much Anna. If anybody thinks this is controversial then good for them, I know this has helped me immensely and I would dare say it’s going to help others understand too 🧚🏻‍♀️🌸

Dear Anna, your courses and videos helped me to change my dating and relationship patterns. Thank you so much fir the wonderful work you are doing and the love and sympathy you're spreading. Lots of love from Austria, Europe ❤️

The only dating advice I got from my mom was "all men are BAD". I laugh at the movie "Waterboy", where the mom tells her son "All girls are the devil", because it remindse of what I was told. Not very constructive or helpful!

I'm 67 and a "dementia" widow: I care for my spouse with advanced Alzheimer's. I don't want to marry a third time, to risk having to take care of one more person for a sustained time. I just want a friend with benefits and no cohabitation. I'm listening to this to be able to achieve a long-term erotic friendship. That's all I want.

This short video is really powerful to me, it's like half of my anxiety is gone. Thank you 🙏

I suffer from a trust crisis. It is very hard for me to trust woman , in general. The last time i tried, it almost got me killed. Past experiences gave me every reason, not to trust woman.

Sounds like buying a car.