How to make my bully boss treat me better 

You bet; plan out what you are going to say, and keep it direct, mindful, and on script.

Thank you MI. I'm doing my best and btw, I receive my own empowerment from you and others with whom I interact here on YT and elsewhere :)

@@TheWizardOfWords 👊❤

Yeah I’m a day late dollar short and didn’t realize i wasn’t being bullied til years into it!

Thanks, Bonnechance. I think the risk/reward is in favor of the person who safeguards his/her boundaries--in a mindful way.

Thank you, William. Now if this is my mother using another pseudonym--well, ya got me again, Mom.

O Dan won't you give your Mom a bit more credit lol.

It almost makes me angry. WHERE WERE YOU 15 YEARS AGO!! But who can be angry at Dan for more than a few seconds? We can all define kindness, but Dan shows us how to WORK kindness.

That was a wonderful compliment, Erin. Thank you.

I know that's right!

You are welcome, Leafs :)

I feel the same way that you do, nice comment.

Glad it was helpful!

Thanks for your observations, Joseph. Good points. And Happy New Year, Joseph!

Thought separation is an excellent term. My comment as a lawyer who has dealt with these cases is above but part is very relevant to what you have said. No offense to Dan because he is a precious gem. I wrote (in part): 'Once we start sliding down the slippery slope of NOT becoming accustomed to being in a work constructive environment, it WILL gradually chip away at you and transform you into a shadow of your old self. Fixing that can take years, at LEAST! You would not, presumably, remain in a space with deadly radioactive material, right? Think of it that way because that is exactly where you are. Think technical like this rather than personal. Get out of that environment asap and, in the meantime, create a protective bubble around yourself that nourishes and validates your value. Let that poorly managed company or workplace stew in its own rot or implode. Goodbye. Take care of YOU.'

Jennifer, if this woman's behavior was toxic, why was no one backing you up?

@@TheWizardOfWords The others were too afraid to approach the boss about the hostile work environment.... even after they said they would have my back. I just hope my exit letter will affect the boss enough to change.

​@@TheWizardOfWords ​​Dan, I love you, but I am appalled at this particular question if it was not a sarcastic question. I am appalled because anyone who has experienced being singled out by such a boss would know that they intimidate weak onlookers to side with them and prevents them from speaking up! I was in the same situation. Also the boss used falsified navigational phrases in front of other bosses to make it appear that she was NOT the antagonist! Witnesses said they didn't want her to turn on them so they stayed quiet! But then when I left they asked ME for help as she turned on them! They left the job themselves in the end due to the constant toxicity! I had worked there for 14yrs and the last 3yrs was when she came along and formulated a toxic culture because I was showing her up as it emerged she had no managerial qualifications when I started a management course myself and she was unable to help with it. She was 1 boss-step above me.

@@l8diva I think Dan offers great advice here. However, as both you and jennifermoran5489 have experienced, there are certain people upon which this "hard reset" advice might not work. In my case, my former boss would EAT UP any form of deference and humanity that anyone paid towards her. To her, it would come off as weakness and it would add to her arsenal of manipulation. Mind you, I did not put up with her shenanigans. I took responsibility, but in my own way. She feared me to a certain extent. But that didn't feel good to me. That's not the kind of working relationship I want with my boss or with anybody. It became very exhausting working for a person who played too many games with too many good people.

@@lizzi437 @lisk2142 Thanks for your response. My comment was not about *the advice* that Dan gave (I have been following him for many years & agree he provides valuable advice). My comment that you have replied to was about the question that Dan posted on this very thread. I was shocked that he even asked "IF this woman's behaviour was so toxic, why was no one else backing you up?"... 🙄

Happy new year!!

I agree with you! 😁

Find a new work environment if you possibly can; yours is toxic.

Would like to know more about this too

Sorry to hear that smh. I hope you ended up getting away from that madhouse and found peace elsewhere!

I would talk with him privately and tell him that the next time he calls you a name--either in front of staff or privately, you're quitting. Then do it. There are better jobs with better bosses.

You are most most most most most welcome :)

Thank you so much, Deah. I appreciate the referrals and your words :)

Thank you for your message, Lindakitz.

Mary, I certainly appreciate your kind words. Together we can raise the global dialogue, one conversation at a time.

Well, I certainly like the title. I've actually done a video on working with people who will cry. Quick summary--have a box of tissues on your desk. When this person starts in, hand him/her a tissue and say "After you're composed, let's continue." If you feel you're going to cry also, LEAVE THE ROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES. There. you go.

@@TheWizardOfWords Wait, what? You have a video I haven’t watched? And you have one on ISS (involuntary sobbing syndrome)? It was the owner of the company who liked to see me cry. I found out I was a game to him. He ACTUALLY SAID “How should I make Flick cry this week?” to a colleague. 🤬 Cue awkward conversation. I was an assistant & 3 of the guys I supported took me out to lunch. “We love you, we love your work, we can’t watch you be abused anymore.” I’m the one with ISS & it’s so frustrating when I have prepared great words, but can’t get them out. Going to find the Involuntary Sobbing Syndrome video!

Erin, have you ever heard the phrase "Keep your chin up?" It refers to how difficult it is to cry with your chin UP. So--when you feel as though you're going to cry, you now know what to do. Now, about that video you clearly missed:ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-mpfKeOOhi_E.html

Happy new year! And I am humbled by and grateful for your gifts :) :) (and now I know they're not "mistaken duplicates." :)

A winding road--and I'm still on it.

I would love to hear more about that too. Some bio would be interesting, inspiring and helpful!

You might have the wrong job.

You're a lawyer? Did you ever study the Little Rock High decision of 1957?

You bet--talk to her.

Hey Man--Happy New year to you from Ajijic, MX and Saint Paul, MN :)

Thank you, Gabrielle.

Always if you have something that works better for you, use it. When it comes to communication, I don't look for a win/lose. This is not a battle. I look to have my boundaries respected, and to respect the boundaries of the other person as well.

Do you mean she doesn't call or won't answer your calls? How has her pattern changed?

@@TheWizardOfWords won’t answer calls only txts. A week now...

Check out some of my other videos, Nicole--specifically the shorts :)

It depends on how fantastic manager feels about bully co-worker. HR is NEVER your friend.

@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you so much!

@@DarkbutNotsinister That co-worker does not report to my manager. She has a completely different manager. She is this way with many others too. I have not gone to HR.

Right. NEVER INVOLVE HR OR YOUR BOSS.

Glad to hear it!

O L--There is very little you can do about the way people look at you--even though I certainly know what you mean. Unless your boss says or does something to make you feel uncomfortable, there is nothing to say to him. Having said that--try to interact with him only when others are present; that will take away his chance to give you creepy looks. If you MUST interact with him when no one is present--keep your distance and minimize eye contact.

Problem is--reading a look is totally subjective. It would be helpful if someone were around to verify to O L that the boss is actually leering. E.g. if he looks this way at everyone--he's not leering; he may be just plain creepy-looking, which is sad for him.

@@TheWizardOfWords Unfortunately he doesn't look at other coworkers this way because I have watched. I am very attractive (not bragging) so it's not like it's the first time men have done this, but it's not usually in a work environment. I do try to avoid eye contact most of the time. I'm not going to lie, I find him attractive as well, but I have never revealed that, as I'm professional and married. He is also married. It just makes it hard because he's my boss. There is definitely sexual chemistry. I avoid him like the plague if possible.

O L, you're either attracted to him or find him creepy; you can't have it both ways. Or you have a vivid imagination, and you wish he were flirting with you. If you're sending me mixed signals, I imagine you're signaling him too. You're watching to see how he looks at other people? Come on now. You want him to flirt with you. You've been thinking about this. You've determined there is sexual energy. Good grief, O L, it is difficult to determine if you are bragging or complaining. You're probably thinking about this guy way more than he's thinking about you. If that's the case, be glad and stay away from him. You're playing with fire.

@@TheWizardOfWords He's attractive, but I'd never go there. A person can think someone's attractive and creepy. The way he looks at me is not professional. Remember Ted Bundy? Attractive, yet creepy.

I wouldn't have a conversation. I'd be polishing my resume and packing my bags.

You're very welcome!

What is your boss saying/doing and is he doing it privately or publicly?

@@TheWizardOfWords Wow, thanks for responding! He is making insulting, derogatory, and offensive comments about me being in a protected class (my boss sees these as "bad jokes"). This has happened multiple times, both publicly and privately, and even in front of some of people I manage on occasion.

The next time he does this in public or in private, I suggest stopping him and saying: "That was not a joke; it was an insult and I'm asking you to stop speaking to me in this manner both privately and publicly. If you don't stop, I'll ask you to come with me to take up the matter with HR." Now here is a warning. He could fire you and have the full backing of HR and you'd be out the door. Or he might stop making the comments, but know his feelings won't have changed. Or he might persist and you go to HR, in which case they might call him in and tell him to knock it off or they might fire you (in a couple of months, so that it won't be seen as retaliation for your going to HR with a complaint against someone HR likes). OR OR OR You could go to HR with your resignation letter in hand and DOCUMENT comments this guy made and when he made them, so there is no question a report was filed. But I'm serious when I say you should do it with resignation letter in hand--combined with a letter that DOCUMENTS this guy's conduct. Tell HR you are prepared to walk out the door momentarily unless HR agrees to shut this guy up. And THEN you have a decision to make--when they equivocate, which they will. Perhaps you can tell that I favor leaving such situations and finding new employment because I have little faith that HR will do anything for you unless they believe your harassment was so severe that you might take legal action against the company. THEN HR WILL JUMP THROUGH HOOPS to resolve the situation. They work for the company, not you--and that's how they act. They don't want a lawsuit. LASTLY--if the situation is severe, is affecting your work, and is persistent, seek legal advice ASAP. An attorney will probably tell you to go to HR with your documentation, and if nothing is done--go back to him/her and they'll lower the boom :)

@@TheWizardOfWords What a blessing you are! I cannot thank you enough for your suggestions. This is all so, so helpful -- I feel like I finally have the words I need to stand up for myself in this situation. And this couldn't have come at a better time (have really been going through it lately). Again, I sincerely appreciate your help. I look forward to signing up with you for more of your tools and will continue supporting you here on YT. Your videos have really helped me a lot -- truly. Thanks for what you do!

You are so welcome

I think that friends at work present a risk to you. Personally, I'd pass. If at all possible, keep work separate from your social life.

Give me a specific example, Kristina :)

@@TheWizardOfWords So for example, I was asked to proofread something for my boss (all my colleagues are non-natice speakers but speak decent english). He sent it via email. I took a look, rewrote the text and sent it back. Then a few minutes later he asks about the salutation at the end (Best regards, X). Apparently I had missed that part out; I didn't think it was necessary to proofread it seeing as we have automatic salutations in our email template anyway. So anyway, I answer his questions about how to write the 'Best regards' part and all is well. But then he sends a snarky 'Remember to copy-paste all the message next time ;)'...I just saw this as a totally unneccessary thing to say when the issue was resolved and it was because of human error! It was essentially like asking me not to make a human error again which is not possible surely! And also he puts smiley faces all the time which comes across as really sarcastic. So yeah, this was the unneccessary criticism I was talking about. Thanks!

Well now! Thanks HHW :)

I don't think so.

☺☺☺

Whatever you do, do not try to go over the head of your boss--ever. My suggestion is that you have a meeting with your boss and ask specifically about a project or projects that were not passed on, and request guidance as to what needs to be improved before these are presented to the CEO.

@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for your reply Dan. Yes I have developed enough intelligence thanks to you not to do that. That’s a good idea to phrase it like that. I never thought to say it like that I was just going to charge in and say ‘why haven’t you passed it on’? You are a genius. Hopefully other people benefit from your advice on this too,

What if the boss tries to ignore the usual processes and ignore the stakeholders/ decision makers ?

That may be, but . . . .

Many many thanks, SIL. Sorry it took so long to say that--vacation and all that :)

Yes. I teach MINDFUL communication, which means protecting your boundaries without confronting or engaging in rude behavior. The idea is to uplift the global dialogue, one conversation at a time :)

Your boss gets upset by your trying to do a good job? Is he afraid you'll get his job?

@@TheWizardOfWords i think it was more about a situation where deadlines were involved and I wasn't being permitted to work to my usual standards, even while meeting that deadline. His communication in this case has mostly been "don't ask why just do it" which I really hate, it was explained to me by others at my company.

Keep looking, Sam. I have a couple on my YT channel.

Yes, they are still available for purchase :)

@@TheWizardOfWords How do I book a session pkg & get matching pants?

You write Jean at jean@danoconnortraining and she'll fix you up so you'll look just like her.

Dan I have been watching your videos now for a couple years and I just think you have the most incredible mind! I wish I had a tiny Dan on my shoulder all day long to help me navigate the world better 😁. Thank you Dan

I would respond to the first with: "I am surprised a professional such as you would make such a personal comment that offends so many in this company. I wouldn't expect that of a leader who has the company's best interests in mind." And then I would walk out before he makes another smart remark, and I wouldn't look back. In re the second comment I might say "Really? So you give yourself approval to be offensive and blame the one you are offending for hearing you? Really?" That is how I would respond, shortly before I left his/her employment.

dan@danoconnortraining.com

👍👍👍

Marwa, from everything you're telling me--you need to search for a new place of employment. No job is worth PTSD.

Thanks so much Dane for reassuring me indeed I am planning for this in Jan. I just want to say I am deeply grateful for your videos and I feel I need to absorb all these skills to make my life easier. I wish you a great year Dane!

Thanks, Marwa, and be sure to go to my YT channel and search "how to quit your job" for the full video--not just the short.

Cite my source? You give me too much credit, BP.

@@TheWizardOfWords 😆 I double majored in English and International Economic Security Policy like 20 years ago. Can you blame me? Good times were sure to be had. 😄 Hope you got a kick out of that one. I sure did. Thanks.

How did you handle that?

And I am wearing the uniform because it was given to me as a gift--from an Irish woman who liked the colors.

Suzanne, you are too kind :) :) :)

Thank you for starting off my new year with your gifts. I will try to earn them!

Thank you Suzanne!