I started realizing what boundaries are when I started dating my boyfriend. He's been extremely encouraging of healthy boundaries and emotional maturity. Since I started dating him, my mother has said to me "You're not nice anymore." Cause I'm more confident and now stand up for myself and my boyfriend.
Thought my family would be happy or proud of me for trying to take better care of myself but I was wrong . They wanted me to be fat and unhealthy so they can make fun of me . Bunch of effing immature bullies . Thanks for this video Julia !
Glad this connected Mike. And know that your boundaries were bringing up their anxieties, and their unkind behaviour had nothing to do with you - it was them off-setting their own discomfort.
OMG! Same here. My own father even had the audacity to tell me that he liked me better when I was fat! How disgusting. Your own family can be so damn toxic.
I gave up on trying to set healthy boundaries with my family a long time ago. The non-stop guilt trips and push-backs were mentally exhausting. I finally just gave up on communication all together. It was hard at first because I never realized just how used to the dysfunction I was. But it's been the best thing I've ever done for myself both mentally and physically.
When I moved out of state my sister in law thought it was funny to taunt me about the baseball team I like, I was 26 weeks pregnant and i let the taunting and teasing go on for months until I spoke up because I was terrified to speak up and ask them to please stop! 5 months it took for me to finally say something to her and even then I feel I was way too nice about it. I still get angry about it. Trying to heal. Til I found Julia I didn’t even know wtf a boundary was but now that I’ve learned I’ve looked back and realized how many times I should have set one but I had no idea how. I thought speaking up for myself made me annoying and then people wouldn’t like me and I needed to be liked by everyone. Now I see that’s a PRISON to live in
I speak up and I'm not well liked but, I'm happy my real pain tho no one likes me to speak up..n. one. likes me, lol I'm may be over board tho I can learn tho...I believe
Chances are, if you're here, you know in your heart who is healthy, and who is not. Toxic people are to be avoided. They always try to bring you down. Stay strong!
I have a tendency that I could be 50% toxic. If I don’t use tools to regulate my own behavior, for example, introspection, awareness and boundaries. To one side, there is always it’s opposite or potential for this.
Julia, I operate an outreach clinic for mental health care and substance abuse recovery in Anchorage. Alaska. I’ve used your videos for our Healthy Boundaries group and for our Relapse Prevention class for nearly 2 years. Thank you for every good thing you are doing. People are getting well.
It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, boundaries are essential to make it work ! respecting always yourself and putting yourself first and your best interest, having always a great communication with the other !
A few years ago, I set boundaries with my mom. We had a huge falling out and I didn't talk to her for months. But I'm so happy to say that not only has she adjusted to and started respecting my boundaries, she set boundaries for me. I'm so proud of her that even at her age she is choosing to grow as a person rather than staying stagnant. I write this to say that communication can truly mend relationships and although it may take a while, don't give up on hope 🥰 but of course you can't expect anything from anyone but yourself and not everyone will see their flaws and actually do something about it.
Ok, I'm so ready for this! It is my husband that I need to set boundaries with. I have always backed down and I am just so tired of feeling defeated. Thank you for this video!
My parents divorced when i was 3 and brother was 5. We lived with grandparents for 9 yrs...went to dads on weekends, mom would drop us off. I always heard..." we have to work". It wasnt until i became a parent that I no longer excepted this excuse. But the positive thing...i was became independent and gave my child the love that i needed. Today, im happily married, son is also married and I am self employed. Its crazy how the past is the recipe of who I am. I have feelings but I know i needed it all to happen to make me who I am today.
I’ve already set my boundaries with my family last year, but I just needed the confirmation that it was ok to do so. ...and that it’s going to probably be ok. Thank you very much for this video!💜
I took a screenshot of this and wrote "PREDATOR!" at the top. This is prey training so they can get their supply, aka your energy, served up whenever they want. It might be time to just walk away, Shut it down, whatever works for you. Your worth being loved with your boundaries and being able to love someone with theirs. Honestly, it's the only true love. Anything else is a toxic mimic and many times is not intentionally abusive but unintentional disrespect is still disrespect. They've got stuff to work out, but you don't need to let them work it out on you.
At 40 now I can honestly say I've always had low self esteem, but a month ago I made a decision after self reflection that learning too be assertive and setting boundaries had too happen. Its the best decision I've ever made, confidence is growing everyday x
Thank you again! My Boundaries have been set, even in my late 40’s, it’s a scary move. I’m the only sibling w/out human kids. Recently, I have heard a sibling say ‘I place others people needs before my own’”, I know why they say those words💔 I want to tell all of you here on this thread, I know it’s going to be difficult. it’ll be worth it for all of us❤️
YAY new subbie. Thanks for this video, I really learned how to set boundaries at age 25/ 26. I had a former friend I used to go to church with. At 1st she seemed cool, slowly but surely she started asking for favors & car rides all the time. Everyone needs compassion, favors or a helping hand from time to time. If they are constantly asking for favors or too dependent on others, please bow out quickly. Anyhow I finally told her No & she had an attitude about it. Good Riddance.
OH MY GOSH Kristina ..... I "messed with" my siblings system, once a year ago and another time about 15 years ago ...... and "they didn't like it". One time I turned up for my Dad's 80th birthday party, and another his funeral. I tried to get them on board and have never been able, as you say. I've said 'NO, I've had enough' and removed my self. I'm the naughty one!! You have 'nailed it' thank you!! Yup, it's all me "what's wrong with you", they say. And so on. Free-er, happier, fuller, yes, I'm happier.
No matter how many conversations about boundaries I've had, I still find so much value in being reminded how it's not always easy for either party and to let others adjust to our boundaries while we stay firm in our decision, lest we inadvertently train them that our flimsy "boundaries" are actually an invitation to be coerced. Great video! Thanks again, Julia ‐ Love your work!
When I first moved out of my parent’s house, I was told by my sister how selfish I was. It’s harder now for me to set boundaries with the man I’m living with. It’s also very hard for me to see how toxic I can be. Thanks for this. Happy holidays 🥳
Thank you so much. You have really done alot of research on dysfunctional families. This just touches on me,my challenges and dysfunctional family. May be I have not clearly spoken about boundary settings. I am learning now. You are part of my online community. This is where I have found acceptance and like mindedness. I have been exploited,violated, gaslit and humiliated for way too long. I think am part of the problem due to luck of clear communication. And I have accumulated alot of anger. I will continue this lessens
Healthy boundaries only work with healthy people. Those who want to keep old patterns and keep doing the same toxic behavior will resist your change. They will argue. They will pout. They will try to manipulate the situation. They will blame. They will point fingers and try to make you feel guilty. Pray for them. Pray because they do not realize that the boundaries are for you and you alone. Change for the better is doing something right for you. And you alone. I can't be held responsible for people's other choices and I will not hold them to mine. When I've set boundaries with family and so-called friends the ones not receptive tried to make me feel guilty. I don't feel bad for changing for me. I won't be ridiculed nor made to feel bad for making choices for me that are right for me. If they can't handle my choice, then they'll walk away. Let. Them. Go. I know I did. Life is much more peaceful without handling toxic, immature behavior. Lesson well learned. Thank you Julia.
Thank you so much Julia!!! This was much needed and something i’ve been struggling with for as long as I can remember till this very day. Hoping to enter 2020 with healthy boundaries without any GUILT.. which is also a killer to battle. It would be interesting to hear you talk about the origin of guilt. Happy holidays love!💕
Thank you so much, this is obviously my most important topic/lesson I need to learn. As a high empath, highly sensitive person, I have very big problem set up boundaries in relationships, and it is causing me lifetime problems. I hope I can finally learn and be in full power.
I'm 55 and dealing with an issue with a sister right now who just told me on Christmas about how she visited my ex-wife, whom I've been divorced from for seven years. I really didn't want to hear that she was interacting with my ex-wife AT ALL, as they weren't ever even familiar with each other to begin with. I haven't talked to her about it yet as I felt a need to process a little bit of shock which went along with it first. I've pondered telling her or sending her a voice message stating to her that I don't mind her interacting with my ex-wife if she feels the need to do so, but unless it's something that she might want to or feel the need to alert me about, I do not wish to hear about any goings-on between the two of them. However, I can only so vividly imagine her responding to such a request instead of with a simple "Okay" but, rather, "You sound just like Dad.", whereby I'm not even sure whether I ought even bother; I don't like her that much anyway. I do believe if my sister wants to have a healthy relationship with me, she fully understands what she needs to do in order to facilitate it.
After listening to this and many other of your videos thank you very much I have learned a lot. Yesterday I sat a much-needed boundary with my sister, after six months of being pushed around and spoken to disrespectfully I very nicely told her I wasn’t having it anymore. I told her what I would do and what I wouldn’t do to help her care for our mother. I got all the backlash that you listed in this video plus her last words to me were “screw you”. Even though my sister has cut off our relationship, I am so much more at peace now.
Listening to the first part of your video was painful. It hit all my buttons, but at the end I felt relieved when you made the point of what’s the point of if you can’t say no then someone always wants your yes. It makes you realize who is for you and who is not. It brought comfort. It can help weed out the people that you’ve out grown.
Hey, thank you so much for this teaching. I feel in the beginning of my journey towards learning how to set (and keep!) healthy boundaries. I have been through a shame and guilt storm thinking I’ve harmed someone close to me. But what happened is hat I’ve said “no” for the first time after almost a year of saying “yes”. I feel relieved because it gives me hope that I can do it and that I’m not a complete selfish person. Going back in there.
I have a super codependent, enmeshed, entitled, passive aggressive, gaslighting, narcissistic unit and when I became aware and set boundaries and removed myself I literally had tons of criticism like “who are you to upset the hierarchy in our home?” “You don’t get to tell me how to treat you.” And so much more and I’m tired of putting myself down to make them feel better and on top of that continue to be kind to them while they talk terribly to me. Even when I speak up and apply things I’ve learned about passive aggression it literally still continues. I’m learning that this is more about me being safe and not having the outcome of them changing their unhealthy behavior
Omg you've helped me so much!! My parents want me to breakup with my bf just because of his religion! ..they are threatening to cancel my university courses if i dont listen to them! How sick of me to think they know best!
There is a lot of talking about boundaries, but too little about counter-moves or push-backs. But they are actually the ones we need to learn to tolerate and are the key to succes.
I've heard all of these things. I struggle with ana but I've been in a relatively good recovery. My mom still talks about her trying to lose weight and diet and how much shes eating per day and so much and I tell her not to talk about that around me and she basically always says "I have freedom of speech! You cant tell me what to do!" And when she gets upset she say stuff like "I apparently made you anorexic and who knows what else. I'm a failure of a parent!" It's hard when I hear things like that but I have to remember it's for my health.
This is such a great topic. Very on time for the holiday season. I started setting boundaries, loving myself self, and putting my mental health first because I am a very empathetic person and absorb energies. Some things I’ve heard are “You’ve changed”, “You’re selfish.” If I was respected enough, they would respect my boundaries which is why I have to be distant with them. Barely talk to my moms side of the family and I feel stronger and in control because I do not have to deal with the abuse. Sorry not sorry.
Christmas Eve. Good timing for the release of this very relevant video clip. All the family interactions out there. Be strong, people. Hold fast those boundaries.
I really needed to hear this Julia. You got yourself a subscriber and follower from Northern Europe (scandinavia). Setting boundaries are also teaching others how you want to be treated. If they don't comply, it's their problem.
Part of this reminded me why I had problems with my family on my father's side. That side consists of the ones I didn't grow up with. This resulted in them telling me what to do and not to do as to not upset anyone. They were fine with giving me parental rules knowing full well I was an adult who preferred to do as i please and have the freedom to be myself. They showed signs of not realizing the real me is not some clone or carbon copy of any of them. This video would have helped me through those moments when I was uncomfortable around them.
Shared with my son he's supported me and we are growing together trying to be the change I want to see in others daughter almost there . This is were I'm at and enjoy your videos they feel like confirmations .blessed be and God bless you
This is the first video of yours that I found by looking for ways to better handle the trigger I was feeling I have been binge-watching rewinding and replaying your defensive, trigger, and boundary videos all morning! Thank you for teaching the why and the practical!
I live in a flat in England, my neighbour who lives downstairs is a very intrusive narcissist (well from my prospective). It's caused so much anxiety with her not respecting my boundries. Now that I've started too set my boundries she has taken things too the next level and not in a good way. On the plus side other areas of my live have improved massively since working on my boundries and setting them in stone. Guess the ying and yang is part of the journey.
i've gone through that cycle of establishing a boundary, sticking to it, and eventually getting worn down and pulled back into the old system multiples times in my life. i recently decided to give up on pursuing the things that excite me to do free labour for my parents because that's what they expect out of me. but everyday i just carry so much resentment. a part of why i made the choice to allow them to encroach on my life and future is because it's comfortable knowing that i won't have to worry about paying the bills. but i've realised (through a hexaco test) that i actually have low self esteem. so i'm trying to understand how to have a good self esteem so that i can feel safe and competent in making decisions for myself.
Hello- I am a new viewer, a diagnosed co dependent learning how to set boundaries at the ripe old age of 58! Better late than never. I guess. Thank you for the informative videos, I have begun using your techniques and advise and I must say it feels great ! Yes I have gotten some kick back from people close to me but I know they will come around and adjust to my new sense of self. Overall I feel empowered. Thank you
Great video! You are right on on all of this! Great illustration with the toddler and the candy at the checkout. Thank you ; you help keep me going & trying to be emotionally healthy---a lifetime job!
This is prob my new favorite, thanks! Needed the reminder that intense pushback is normal and to be expected, and that it doesn't mean I'm doing something bad or wrong.
My brother (who is alcoholic) once told me "You complain for every" when I started putting some limits, specially my mom also told me once "stop being aggresive" when I wasn´t just want to set boundaries.
Thank you Julia Kristina! It works, it works, it works... I had seen your videos about one year ago and they got me started thinking. I was pretty confused back then. I did not quite understand what was going on around me but I knew something was not right. Things are looking so different for me right now. I managed to focus on the things that are really important for me and feel so much more balanced and clear after setting my boundaries. I guess it is something you have to work at preserving and it is not done once and for all. I am trying now to use one eye for what is happening outside and the other for what is happening inside. This way i know what is possible for me and what is not. Thank you again.
This is a great video, thank you Julia Kristina. I think there is another category, which I more often experience, and that is the people who pretend to be supportive or to 'understand where you're coming from, etc etc' but then - unconsciously or otherwise - set out to sabotage you in your efforts with direct appeal to your weaknesses and desire to be reasonable, along the lines of "just this one more time won't matter, you can start that tomorrow! C'mon it will be fun, you love this!" - that sort of thing. And repeating it frequently until you cave in. Their behaviour's motivated by the same feeling of threat to what feels comfortable to them, but it is disguised as a supportive reaction rather than open hostility or rejection, and so is often more manipulative and - unfortunately - effective.
I love your point about people only liking you for your "Yes"... and setting boundaries.. Very eye opening! Thank you for all.you do to help people! Gods richest blessings to you!
Seems strange to say this now, but a few years back a friend recommended I set better boundaries. I realise now, that at that point in my life I was so conditioned to people pleasing that I didn't know I was allowed to set boundaries! It was very difficult, but I stuck with it and my relationship with my family member is so much better for it. In the long term she is also happier for the change because she sees me as stronger and worries less about things she can't control.
Thank you such a great video. I'm still working on this worrying about others will think if I've a disagree. However I've learnt setting boundaries and doing whats best for me is much better for my happiness and health and therefore my Fiance and daughters as im more confident thanks again
The comment i got was ... "but it takes two! " ie. You're not playing the game. It's clear after this video. Resentment that I'm out of the system. The painful thing is the fear of losing those loved ones. But you're so right, if I can't say no, then my yes means nothing. Great video, thank you.
I’m so glad I found your channel! This video is great! I’ve been applying boundaries for years but to have you in my corner now I can tell is going to help with all the other things that come up navigating life, reparenting myself while growing a family! I’ve already shared your links!! Thanks again! 🙏🏼✨🦄
it’s difficult because i’m in a place right now where the backlash im getting is so severe that i don’t even feel safe to hold my boundary. i feel like i just need to people please but only for emotional safety until i can leave
I have heard all of these things from someone in my life and when I have decided to stand my ground they try to gang up and force their agenda and I have still held my ground i have been disowned. I have lost a huge extended family and am now working on the immediate family and my older brother just made his choice.
What they said to me was “you’re not normal! “I was like, thank you. I am trying to shine as a unique individual I am, normality is the last thing I want.
right now i am dealing with an alcoholic who i am refusing to enable. what i am getting is "i always loved you. i can't believe you don't love me. how can you do this to me?" and "i don't want to come over there because you criticize me and lecture me" - and no, i don't criticize or lecture, i simply refuse to take her to buy alcohol and refuse to let her use my mom and my autistic nephew to borrow money for alcohol. she is no kin to me and has only known us a month and already is using her manipulations on my entire family.
Wow, LOL, it seems you have met my family!!!! The crappier they act the more happy I am about going no contact. They just don't get it, more evil does not make me want to come back and be like them. It is irrational to do mean things to someone "to get them back." Only an insane person would go back for more abuse when they can be free. If the only change I get is to be free of the narcissist it is a good change. Change brings growth.
I remember telling my mom that she can't enter my room until I say so. She definitely didn't like it at first and was like "but what if you hurt yourself and I can't enter?". She eventually accepted my boundary and has not opened the door without permission since.
This video has just answered so many questions I’ve had for the past few months! Thank you soo much for making this video it has really helped me in so many ways.
Thank you so very much for this topic!!!!! I have so many people who take advantage of my kindness and when I try to put up Boundaries, it gets that much harder with the individual meaning they play mind games/manipulation even more so they can get what they want from me!!!!
Great video! My family has been putting me down for the past 5 years because dating within family! I am in a committed relationship with my brother in laws cousin. I have 3 sisters 1 brother .. 2 of my sisters are still acting like toddlers and there is no resolve because my sisters want there way! My brother in law & sister were super close to my boyfriend until we started relationship then all hell broke lose! My sister lost her best buddy to unload all her past with daily!!
When I set boundaries with my roommates family (who often called me to do various things), they one-upped everything I told them, like it was a contest. They were unhealthier, their home was messier, they had less food, etc etc.
One tired refrain I am hearing from an in-law, because there's not an immediate response to texts, calls, and there's space needed--- (because he's DIFFICULT and unconscious) ---is "You're being CRUEL to me when you don't call me. You HAVE to call me. You HAVE to do this. It's KILLING me that you won't TALK to me."
They say it takes 3 weeks to establish a habit. Maybe that means you have to establish a boundary and enforce it 21 times with each person before they accept it.
I remember trying to set boundaries with my older sister a couple of times due to criticising me about the way I dress lol! Every time I try to do that, she starts ridiculing me by saying that I’m too sensitive and said that she has a right to tell me what to wear without realising that that’s not how it works and everyone’s got a preferred way of dressing therefore she needs to try and respect that.
I'm new to setting boundaries. In my current (2nd) marriage, I've weakly set a boundary with my Queen about seeking support from another man. I trust fully that she's not physically cheating. I don't like that she seeks his support in other areas. At the same time, he can provide her a place that means she doesn't have to live in my van which is not a good situation. I have a lot of fear surrounding this relationship coming to an end, i am most likely suffering from some heavy codependency.
I said no to a friend who wanted something that invaded my privacy, was an unreasonable thing to ask, and made me feel uncomfortable and put me in the middle of a weird situation. She wouldn't drop it and when she didn't get her way, she lost her temper and said, "I don't know why you're making a big deal about this," "Frankly, I'm disappointed that after all these years, you don't trust me," ect. Long story short, the friendship wound up coming to an end. I remember thinking that the last thing I expected to happen after working on my boundaries, was to have a close friend have a problem with it.
My sister told me this once when I asked her to stop telling me her views on the psychological reasons why I couldn't get pregnant. I told her that this was something very deep that I needed to understand by myself and she replied to me: "I'm tired of you treating me with disdain". I felt hurt from her reaction but it actually made feel freer to get distance from her and to start understanding my need to set better boundaries
Yes family do seem to be worse tho have had to distance myself from a friend because they trampled over my boundaries. Due to my social anxiety I ask that people do not just turn up at my house but text first to see what I’m up to and if it’s convenient. Everyone else apart from my father now does this but he refuses to, he just turns up whenever HE feels like it. What infuriates me even more is when I put do not disturb or PRE-ARRANGED visits only notices on the front door he totally ignores them and knocks and rings the bell! I am at my wits end and it’s making my anxiety so much worse.
"your choice not to come to Christmas is hurting your kids, youre being selfish", when the reality is that I am hurting myself if I go AND I am teaching my children to stand up for themselves because Im standing up for myself AND my children are sad when they see me being treated poorly by my family during Christmas time so they are happy we are not going.
My mom is a master manipulator with guilt. When i try to set a boundary, she will switch into high gear and use every piece of arsenal she has to get her way. She will NOT take no for an answer without fighting. Her favorite phrase is "BUT IM YOUR MOTHER!!" She also says "but i was REALLY hoping you would say yes. I REALLY want you to say yes" she also uses " you NEVER do such and such. Also i guess im a terrible mother. I will never ask you again. Etc. Etc. Its EXTREMELY difficult to have boundaries with someone so im emotionally immature. She calls me 3-4 times a day and if i dont answer every time, she makes a big deal out of it. The more i day yes to her, the more she expects and demands. I NEED BOUNDARIES WITH MY MOM MOST OF ALL. and im 50!!! Btw, im Heather
