I often hold other people to the same standards as myself, and then I get resentful when they don't meet them. I am working on lowering my expectations of others because right now I pretty much think everyone is terrible.
A wise woman told me, “if you’re hard on yourself, you’ll be hard on other people too.” It caused me to stop in my tracks and look after myself and what I was doing, not worry about others. It was effective and fast.
I had to look twice at your name because I could've written your comment myself, word for word. But it was a brand new video, so it couldn't be possible. Thank you for sharing, as it makes me feel less weird and unreasonable.
That's pretty spot on for anybody in your spot, willing to sacrifice time and effort because the self hatred ends up eating away our lives from the inside out! incarcerated felons are where they are because they normally live a highly dysfunctional life stemming from insecurity that causes them to lash out at authority and have false sense of pride and overt and hollow self confidence.
I hope you can find even a small way to treat yourself with compassion. It doesn't have to start with the big ask. (Also, that seems like a profoundly counterproductive and shaming thing for your psych to say.)
My life became so much better when I stopped worrying and resenting myself about my ‘bad’ intrusive thoughts. They mean nothing, they pop up, I let them, and just don’t care any further. They pass, and that’s that. Sometimes they are persistent, but eventually they will pass, until they come back. And then same: I don’t fight them, I don’t act on them, I just don’t give them any attention. They’re thoughts, nothing more. Good luck everyone, you are good people, whatever your thoughts are.
I am trying to reach this mindset but I’ve honestly only recently started my journey at 26. What are some skills or methods you use to self regulate? What advice would you give when those thoughts come back and you become more resentful?
@@neoncycle2230 two things: 1. Willfull tolerance: Be ok with what happens in your mind and with your feelings. Tolerate the thoughts, the feelings you get when you go through this process, *especially* when you feel it’s not working and you think you are failing. Tolerate the negativity, and continue what you are doing. And tolerate with… 2: self compassion; be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself. If you want you can use a little mantra when you’re going through a bad spell. I use this one: ‘this is a painful moment. Painful moments are part of life. Now, let me be kind to myself. Let me give myself the compassion I need’. This probably won’t work initially and this will maybe lead to more negative thoughts (‘I am failing’) but then ‘simply’ go back to the beginning. Tolerate this willfully. It’s fine, you are doing your very best. Again, your thoughts are basically uncontrollable. They happen, and if you try to fight them you only feed them. You are a good person, no matter what your thoughts tell you. Good luck!
@@neoncycle2230I used to be very fearful, anxiety ridden about my intrusive thoughts but as I’m getting older I have found that for me personally is focusing on my breathing for as long as I need to. It will bring more oxygen into your brain and it will start to calm your body down. But start with breath work when you don’t have anxiety and it will be there for when you are having bad anxiety. I hope I’m making sense. I guess you need to train your brain and body with breath work. It really works. And after you have done it for a while, you’ll notice you can nip that anxiety in the bud before it gets worse. Once your brain starts to understand that EVERY TIME you do breath work, you feel better, it starts a good cycle. The biggest thing I once heard that has really helped is to know the reason you get anxiety from those thoughts is because of course you would never do that. That’s the mind playing tricks on you. Your brain pulls up the scariest things you would never do. So it’s ok, tell the thought or picture in your mind to F Off, for real. Little by little you will get more control of those emotions. It takes work and time but worth it. You got this!
Hey Dr. Scott, any chance you can have a series on dealing with shame and regret as well? Personally, they're all interrelated issues for me with my depression. Grace is impossible right now.
@UniMagik Accepting your negative beliefs about yourself as something you had to create in order to survive could elicit some grace and self-compassion that may make you feel more connected to others and safe.
I often think of where I would be career wise if I didn’t suffer with mental health problems. I am so ambitious but my emotions and personality get in the way. But I am going to do something I almost never do and turn this around right now by sitting here and taking the time to be grateful for what I have instead. It’s not what I envisioned, but it’s pretty good given the circumstances.
Dr. Scott, I fucking love you. And not in a creepy stalker and/or parasocial lunacy type way… I live u bc I can show your videos to my therapist to help better express myself or a specific point, etc. Thank you so much, and know how fan-fuckin-tastic you are!!!
No such thing as a thought crime! But, I love the characterization 😂😂😂 My mother, who was a brilliant educator, used to say "Never judge your thoughts or feelings. There is nothing you can think or feel that millions haven't thought, before you." And, thank God you didn't become a soulless Bezos or Muskrat! You're the best at what you do, in my book. Down to earth, relatable, and sound advice. I have thoughts daily about what I'd like to do to tRump and I don't feel a bit of guilt! 😁
I forget what first prompted me to realise this, but it’s been so helpful for me to realise that the thoughts that appear in your mind are not a reflection of who you are; it’s the way you RESPOND to the thoughts that informs you who you are. You can have all kinds of disturbing thoughts, but if you’re not delighting in them and indulging them they aren’t a reflection of who you are.
Look up the "replication crisis", "DSM fraud" & "deadly psychiatry medicine". They are all frauds. The more psychs a country has, the more suicide is performed there! His "schooling" was all about studies that were later proven to be FRAUD!!! Thus the "replication crisis"! His education was at the hands of frauds. The *Science* proves it.
@@roblena7977 Thank you. As a little girl, I couldn’t understand what I had did that was so wrong. I remember saying to myself “I try to be a good girl.” I believe it was her strict Catholic upbringing, God was is punishing God. You were never good enough in His eyes. Which I know now is not true, He is kind and loving, He forgives us . Thank you all for responding to my post with such support and understanding.
I am impatient with how I think and feel (depressed) everyday- Tired of it! Today I thought I would actually be glad to find out if I had a terminal illness so I can just say goodbye. Anhedonia sucks
@@skeptik-ci5xo I watch a lot of videos and educate myself on these things but now I have too much information. I don’t know how this goes away because I don’t want to take medication. I think it’s from drug abuse.
@@iamgodphotography Yeah, I hear you. Education is only part of the equation. And unfortunately it doesn't just go away. It requires work, which is hard to initiate when you're that severely depressed. I tend to get relief from taking some type of action. I am terrible at challenging my negative thoughts; My evil brain tends to maintain the upper hand. Some days are easier than others. Some days require Herculean efforts. Some days are impossible. When all else fails I practice gratitude (it really works) and am slowly, slowly, slowly learning to have some self-compassion. I would try to get some outside support if that's feasible for you.
@@skeptik-ci5xo yeah and this is reoccurring because I had it in 2020 and it lasted three years but what help me was taking psilocybin mushrooms honestly. Right now I can’t find any, but when I do, I’m definitely gonna give that a go again. I have a therapist, but she really doesn’t do anything for me. It’s hard to find a good one and she thinks that I am an addict so I don’t have that on paper. What sucks is that I am so bored that I just stay in the bed except for four times a day. I walk my dog. Good luck to both of us.
I know I’ve felt that way before. I found it helpful not to fight it, to just let myself be that way. It’s pretty painful, but being kind to myself, looking after my own care, being gentle with myself, all helped. There are many people who need you. Stay aware and don’t give up please. 🙏🏼 ❤
I don't compare myself to other people; I compare myself to who I used to be a few years ago (and even last year). I know who I was and what I am able to do and my current self is vile compared to who I used to be. I don't like the person I am, but I don't know who I want to be or even how I will be able to live in the future (and yes, I do have passive SI).
"judging yourself without proper context" - now this is something to reflect on. I like it. However, at the same time, I look at other people who have had seriously harrowing life experiences and are on top of their game. I often think I am letting myself off the hook by making excuses for why I am not where I want to be in life. Realistically it's not black and white; it's probably a bit of both which need to be better balanced. This is a recurring theme that I probably should address in therapy, since I am not objective in this regard.
Learning to show yourself more self compassion like you have discussed here has been a life changer for me in last few years. It's hard to master this without falling into the trap of feeling so sorry for yourself you wallow in misery - it's more just understanding why you are struggling and feeling compassion as if a friend was going through it and validating yourself. It helps a lot.
Yeah it's such a slippery slope into getting swallowed by your own misery. I often try to think about my issues as changable, telling myself I have the strenght to change, but it all too often leads me down the path of ''why me, what have I done to deserve this'' and ''life is torture'' type of thoughts. And before I know it I wasted an hour crying and self pittying.
Crying for an hour is what was needed for you. You didn’t waste anything, instead, you gave yourself the self love you needed. We have to try to see things from a different perspective. At least you aren’t in Diddy’s shoes. 👀
I watched this today because self-hatred is absolutely something I am experiencing. I had a conversation today with my boss that had aspects of what you said. A focus on self awareness…. This is one that I will revisit - as a reminder… it’s not a magical cure, but it’s a much needed reframe.
I appreciate rethinking the notion of holding yourself to higher standards in this way, but this is also why I am so great at my job. I know some employees are not capable of meeting my standards and performing at the high level I do. However, in general, I hate myself for things I would easily forgive others for as well. There must be a middle ground and this is a good reminder of that. ❤
I love this channel so much! I remember finding you at one of your first videos and feeling like you truly understood what it’s like to be in a situation because of mental health (because you have experienced it!). Thank you for deciding to join RU-vid and share your experiences and knowledge. You are adding so much value to the world.
Such great words of advice. I live mostly in a vacuum with no-one to provide feedback on how I'm doing, so I've taken to praising myself not only for the good things that I do, but also for the 'bad' things I think of, but don't do!
I don't understand anything of your world, but I do know that hating yourself isn't the only thing you have. Just being alive and breathing is another thing you have, and even though it may seem small, that is all you need to live. So I want to believe that hating yourself isn't the only thing you have, but you are the one who needs to believe. I know that is difficult to believe, but I know you can do this. Of course take whatever you need from this to help you. Since I am no therapist, but a normal guy trying my best to help others since others have done the same for me.
I understand what you're saying, Cam. But the other commentator has a good point. Look around and see what you have. Do you have your health? Do you have a warm place to sleep? Do you have food on the table? I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict...and sometimes all I feel like I have is that I am sober that day. Look around at the minutia...you will likely find tons of tiny tiny things...but tiny things add up. My best to you.
Wow! What a powerful video, that I didn’t know I needed!! No wonder I feel terrible about myself a lot of the time, I’m doing all of those things! Thank you for what you do, you are helping so many!!!
This is kind of unrelated to this video but Ive been struggling really bad for a very long time and bought your book after trying to have a heart to heart with my mom about how I’m feeling. I was feeling hopeful and the second it arrived my mom says to me, “oh you got the crazy book” and I know this might sound stupid but she ruined the entire experience for me by saying that and me getting so hurt by things like that is probably a big reason why I’m suffering but I’m commenting hoping for someone to help me find a positive association to it again or knock sense into me.
I would love to thank you for being so kind and empathic towards mental health. You are the first therapist I see that is so empathic with what people are going through and is not judgmental about it. Please continue making these videos. You have no idea how many people you are helping. Me, for example. Continue the amazing work you are doing ❤
As a person who strives to live life with a compassionate heart, self-compassion has not been my strong suit. I have to be intentional every day or I dip back into self-loathing. Is it possible that self-loathing has an evolutionary purpose? It must have because so many of us struggle with it.
It reminds me of my dad telling me he would rather have an employee who was a little bit unsure of themselves than someone who had unwavering confidence. Someone who questions themselves is a better worker because they are double checking their work and being careful. That is a workplace example, but I think it is better applied at a basic survival level, too. But you and I are taking the self doubt to extremes, at least at times. Take care, friend. ❤
I must say, your videos are always so helpful and relevant, rare find on such topics, thank you ! Prosecuting myself for thoughts and Unrealistic rules/codex, that's indeed me, working in the last years on these and self compassion. (Any upcoming video about dysthymia/persistent chronic depression ?)
Wow! Your timing is amazing. I just spoke to my therapist about this today. It will take practice and I’m willing to try to love myself. Thank you for this information ❤
The most helpful thing to do about acknowledging your own story is often reframing it. Most people know what happened, but they're standing in their own way of healing by holding onto a perspective that no longer serves a useful purpose in their life. It did when they were surviving it, but now that they are trying to heal, they need to change their habits, change their thoughts, and change their mind.
Daily Delight: Perspective adjustment from Dr. Scott. Thank you for this gift. You have given me viable language to use in my discussion with my inner critic. Actionable advice is always appreciated!!!
Not sure how you got inside my head because this entire post was spot on how I habitually treat myself. Thank you for pointing that fact out to me. I have some advice for you too. If you get some "ordinary" friends who are good in their field but also have balanced lives perhaps you can enjoy life more i
Hi! I've found your content incredibly helpful in my journey, and I'm wondering if you'd consider covering trauma where there isn't an abuser/traumatizer. For example, natural disasters, medical emergency, etc. The PTSD I'm fighting now (enhanced by existing depression) is from a medical event, so many existing resources aren't as helpful because theyre often structured around the idea of the people who hurt or neglected you - while I had almost exclusively people who helped me tremendously, but still nearly died.
Manager/employee analogy is perfect. Wow, I expect so little from my friends and family because I feel like I don't deserve their time energy or attention. Then get mad at myself for not managing to make a phone call, shower, or take out the garbage. Interesting.
Eh. I have to push back on the comparison bit. There are a lot of sociopaths I grew up with who are happy to be so today (I grew up in north Florida, so you can probably guess) and I'm disqualified from any cohorts outside of that (purity tests are rough). When you see enough horror being rewarded, you lose faith in humanity AND yourself.
A messed up thought I have constantly is I hate everything I think about. Everything I type out enrages me. Even without shaming, roasting and screwing myself over and over. I think about writing a comment and then just stop altogether. Knowing it’s impulsive. Knowing no one will like it. Hating everything I write and say. I ask myself why but then get angry about it. Anyone else type out an entire comment and hate it so much you just delete everything? I’d love to figure out how to stop that sort of overthinking and over sharing when I do type, talk, think about. I’m struggling hard on it right now.
I mean my life has been fine and I still struggle with self worth and self hatred, depression and anxiety. It all boils down to perfectionism and I do hold myself to these high standards as well. Right now I’m beating myself up because my business isn’t maxed out, not at its best.
I can understand the comparisons to people in your career and the jacked dudes (I don’t compare myself to jacked dudes, just Victoria’s Secret models). You are doing such a great service in your field by posting your content for us to watch and learn from. Also, overly jacked dudes isn’t an attractive aesthetic to me. I saw somewhere on RU-vid someone saying that women try to look attractive in the sense of what other women think is pretty (big lips, long eyelashes, hair extensions), and men do the same (big muscles, and whatever else you think may be attractive to women but really isn’t).
I've read multiple books from Brene Brown and while I think that she is amazing as what she does, your book is definitely comparable to her work in terms of impact. It has a really good writing style that is easy to read while still delivering deep messages. I hope you'll write many more books like it! (I also tried to read Bessel van der Kolk's book multiple times but I find it really hard to read and way too depressing 😅)
Also the whole saying goes, "A jack of all trades is a master of none but often times better than a master of one." I don't understand why people only use half of it. Same with "Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back." These are meant to be uplifting and yet people are mis-using these idioms 🙃
I know I hate myself excessively. Ive been this way my whole life as long as I can remember. Yet whats ironic is that I would visit past photo albums, past artworks, videos I filmed long time I ago, and I would miss that me so badly I would trade my life to go back. So I must love myself in some ways but Im just never there for my present self. Self worthlessness is absolutely exhausting. I think thats the worst thing about it. it drains so much life and energy out of you that life at one point becomes unbearable even when you're doing nothing. Just existing sort of feels painful and it feels like a prison cell you can't escape from. I swear the door is right there and Im free to get out anytime I want to, but I just decide to trap myself in my small room because I have nothing to do and nowhere else to go. I feel like i don't have a place for myself on this earth. I often feel cursed but I don't exactly know why.
I've only recently found a way to stop making that last mistake. Those other three are still a struggle for now but 2025 will be the last year i deal with those.
Actually knowing only part of the context can be worse imho than not knowing anything. I once inhabited a certain environment and this left me convinced that given said environment I should be XYZ. I didn't look at (sarcasm) silly stuff like personal wants, I tried to ram wanting XYZ down my own throat and then called myself a loser for not getting it. Imagine jumping from the bushes at an Arts student and yelling "your mom is a doctor - therefore your faculty choice is invalid". Silly, isn't it?
How do you balance acknowledging your own story and making excuses? Everything feels like an excuse when you were previously able to function well above average previously but now can't.
I can be down on myself sometimes, but I grew up in a Christian end-times cult and wasn’t raised with the tools to live as an adult. I’m also trans. Life can be very difficult for people like me, and I need to remember not to be too hard on myself if I’m struggling.
I think I am in an entirely different paradigm of self hatred lol.. nobody hates me as much as I do. On a scale of serial killer from 1 to 10 I'm probably a 7. But I definitely had drill instructors that were 9.5's 😅. Just one step away from being a serial killer lmao
I'm schizophrenic, it's easier for me to fly to Australia by flapping my arms & find the Loch Ness Monster in the forest than do what you're saying here.
How can I stop hating myself when my childhood best friend killed himself because of me? We were about 8 years old, he was attacked by neighborhood girls (the ringleader was the landlords granddaughter), beaten, molested, raped, attempted drowning and attempted castration, I witnessed the initial beating, they threatened me with it too and also threatened with eviction if I didn't keep silent, so I ran amd hid in the woods. Hours later, I snuck back home expecting my beating at every shadow, the police were waiting, they asked me about it and then blamed it all on me. I was grounded for months and the girls were never punished, finally he came home from the hospital not the same, his light was extinguished, our friendship was done. His family moved soon after, when I was in my early 20s, I found him and begged him for forgiveness and apologized for my failure, he just turned around and walked away. I just found out recently that he killed himself a few years ago, naming me as his reason why he killed himself. He would have been famous, he had that charisma, he had the will to do great things and I failed, it should have been me in his place all those years ago, I wish I could rewind 38 years and take his place. The world would have been a better place if he never suffered that.
So, you lost one of the most important persons in your life ánd you blame yourself for it. That’s a really tough place to be in. That is a lot of pain you are going through. If this happened to a friend of mine I would be very considerate and kind to their situation. Being put into a situation like that as an 8 year old child is terrible. An 8 year old is pretty much incapable of making a rational adult decision, because let’s face it, they’re just a child. And to witness a friend being beat up and being unable to do anything about it is traumatizing. And then to carry that trauma for so long is horrendous. I’d actually put my arm around that person and show them compassion. Wouldn’t you?
You were 8 years old. You were threatened with physical harm and eviction. You did nothing wrong. Your friend (dis)placed his anger at you. By cruelly naming you as the reason he killed himself he wanted you to suffer like he did. Nobody forces another person to end their life. I hope you have a good therapist who can guide you to let go of the guilt. And I must repeat- YOU WERE 8 YEARS OLD!
if they killed my grandmother why should they love me i think its obvious i know one name alexandrova there are of course a lot more but im scared who those people are because they are around me and it makes me anxious
This was so true, spot on and extremely helpful. Thank you. (That business list of comparison sacrificed their morals and compassion for others - you are a league of your own Dr. Eilers)
