It’s so nice to have all this free content on RU-vid that is so helpful and valuable to people who don’t have the extra money to go to a therapist. I really think that wouldn’t even be as helpful as watching your videos online. Thank you so much for all the help you provide to people like myself. You probably have no idea how many lives you have saved. I hope you are truly blessed in your life because you have been such a blessing to so many of us.
Hi, I’m Kaitlyn! I just wanted to say that your videos have really impacted me. I’ve been going through a gigantic shift in my life and I’m really trying to grow, and doing the work to heal from trauma. You are an amazing teacher and have really made a lot of the information soak in for me, even the info that I already was aware of. Thank you 🙏
I’m new here 🌻 I’m recovering from a narcissistic 7 year relationship and I guess Ive been ruminating about this relationship for a year now .. exhausted! Thank you for simply explaining what I’ve been going through (in my mind) alone. Time for change . What a eye opener 🧐
That's right, the first step to approach our change is awareness, another good step is making a game plan. Recovery from past harmful patterns is work, and the gradual shifts in our mindsets give us hope. Start and keep going!
Hi! I just wanted to recommend a book to you real quick. I’m also recovering from a somewhat similar situation and I just read Jackson Mackenzie’s book Whole Again and it was really helpful. Hope your having a good day 🌺
Thank you for a great and deep analysis of what ruminating. We need to learn to manage our mind, we are not our thoughts, we need to learn to tell ourselves a positive and optimistic story. And observe the negative thoughts critically like a scientist detaching ourselves from them to learn what kind of message they are communicating. Thank you for a very helpful video.
My son Greg was a little "pirate" who loved to run around with kitchen knives!! Lol. This example resonated with me!!🤣🤣 (now he's 33 and his hobby is making beautiful custom knives!😁)
This video was pretty crazy! Nailed my situation right on the head. I've been ruminating for a while now about an incident that happened between me and my supervisor at work. He was very harsh and loud with me in an unfair manner. He earned my trust over time and then broke it due to that incident. I wanted to be on good terms and was ruminating in hopes that somehow it would cause him to see the error in his approach to me so that we could move past it. But the reality is he chooses to behave as though he doesn't care. There is no point thinking on this, trying to change his decision. On top of that it was all within a workplace and I struggle to see what is real and what is just a work face. Jobs these days, not a lot seems authentic and it is painful to be a part of at times. This video helped me learn that I need to accept the reality of the situation, my bosses choice, and not try to change things that are out of my control even if it is for the better in my mind.
Really insightful. I sometimes have this, especially if I'm tired. Sometimes asking myself if this thought is helpful is doing the trick (also learned that from you), but when I'm really tired, this probably will help me more. Thanks ♡♡
Thanks for this one, Julia. I think the guilt that comes with rumination is also a thing - Being so self aware doesn't change what is happening. I am watching myself have these thoughts over and over.
You have such great topics that you cover and you give so much hope and healing to so many. I come from a Narcissistic family.. Not till I was older did I become aware of the devaluing and disgarding syndrome I was subjected to. They need you but they don't want you there.. Over and over. I was close with my father but my mother didn't want me there. I could name countless horrible things I was subjected to. Only to walk away for years and and heal. Triggers can get you every time as well. You just need to know the syndrome. It's so important that we take care of ourselves because no one else will better than ourselves. 🙏❤ Thank you so much for your precious time and effort you give. I've been following for years. I totally adore you. 😊
I know a girl from high school who said on FB, "Hey we need to get together." I was so please, and told myself I'm going to do it. Then she rented out the VFW and picked a date. Still good. So happy. Then she invited other people from other classes too as well as our own class with people we know. Then the Delta Virus is now rampant down where she is. Then my choices to get there are to drive six and a half hrs, then arrange for a motel room for 3 days or so. Or fly from my city to another state and then down to get to the place. Now the Delta Virus is rampant, and there will be people there I don't know and I don't know if they are vaccinated too, all of us crammed into a small room with masks (I can't see and get to talk with the people I know), or without masks spreading chances for the virus. I want to go, but not so badly now because of the time, the money, and now the stupid virus....I still can't decidekk and seem to go back and forth about this, as the beginning plan evolves on and on to something I don't really want. ANY suggestions?
Im glad others are benefiting from this message, I personally kept waiting for you to get to the point instead of advertising is your group you want others to join, I kept waiting for you to get to natural tips and helpful ways to stop renovating and never heard them period you did good job of explaining what ruminating is fine I didn’t receive any benefit for tips to stop at
Nobody has ever said what you just did, in regards to your first memory example, that has resonated with me so much. I’ve dealt with this issue for years and now I find out that I’m not alone and there’s a term for it. Thanks.
I was bullied and ostracised a lot when i was younger, and i always have this fear that its going to happen again, or will always happen. I have a group of friends now and someone entered it a year ago who took a strong dislike to me, he was very passive aggressive and put me on the spot a few times. It was very humiliating and reminded me of the times when people misunderstood me or saw that i was different in some way, then bullied and ostracised me for it. He got to the point where he was going past my house say nasty stuff about me, and digging inti my past by talking to people who knew me a long time ago. No one else in the group had this problem with him, and the very few people i told in confidence were shocked as he presented very differently to them, and they liked him. I felt like i was going to be ostracised because i was the only one experiencing this. Eventually he stopped and i must admit the few times i saw him after he looked guilty, like he was aware he did wrong. By that time i had distanced myself away from the group as a whole to avoid him. I was ruminating a lot about him and why he would do this. Recently he went away and i decided to go to an event with the group and found that people had missed me and wanted to be around me! I even got a message from one of them after that said they were so glad that i went! I was ruminating about it all because i was protecting myself from being ostracised, so i distanced myself from the whole group. What used to happen as a younger person and kid was that one person would take a disliking to me and then others would start to agree, then id get kicked out or gossiped about. Even if one or two had no problem with me being in the group would become unbareable because i would constantly be put on the spot and bullied. This hasnt happened now, my friends still want me around even if this person does not. I find it hard to be around him, and im going to an event tonight which he may be at. Ive decided ive got to go, because otherwise im just ostracising myself. He triggers me a lot but i cant carry on like this, its made me very miserable. So im going to takeyour advice here, and on your 'how to deal with your triggers' video, even though this is hard and it makes me feel so strongly. People do want me around.
I'm New to this, just been discarded by my narcissistic wife, because I challenge her by calling the cops on her for assaulting me a number of times over the years. This is the first time I called the cops. Now she has chucked me away like a bit of rubbish, and has started having an affair, even though we are married. I'm broken, and scared of being alone. My thoughts are racing around my head day and night. I've lost a lot of weight. I feel broken. I didn't even know there was such a thing as NPD. all this has happened on top of my mum dieing a couple of months ago. I'm lost, and don't even know if it worth carrying on. Thank you for your intelligent video's.
Hello people. Im Ben. Im here after a downward spiral after a decision to leave a stable job and cozy home, over a year ago. Lured by higher pay but later major insecurity. A rash decision which i am ruminating and regretting daily..... add in other life stresses (divorce and kids) Exhausting and a personal hell.
I really appreciate this video. I have a few questions. When you are have a ruminating thought, what are some positive thoughts that could help you shift simultaneously? How and at what point do you assert that thought so that you can shift your thoughts in a different direction? How do you recover from the mental exhaustion that comes from ruminating thoughts?
I spend all my time ruminating over constantly making mistakes and rash decisions, and then regretting it, so it seems to confirm what my parents constantly kept telling me oh you are useless or oh now look what you’ve done ,so I suppose I believe it and by constantly going back over it is re affirming that what they told me is true,
awesome video, especially what you talked about getting something out of negative thoughts. gotta get in the bottom mud layers and scoop it all up. edit: "negative"
I'm here to admit My toxic behavior of ruminating about this narcissistic Dude "friend" who seems obsessed with His own sense of happiness and not others but has a dependent personality alway relying and demanding on others to do things for him to make Him "Happy" but is often a temporary fix. I'm thinking My first step is to set boundaries by not calling Him for a while. I gotta stop before it gets Me sicker and more unhappy.
Stephen Edward, Slow ly distance from him. Other people cannot control your happiness. Be careful what you feed your mind. To feel better reduce negative thoughts and overthinking. Avoid comparing, reduce negative social media and avoid constipation as it affects the mind. Your breathing is closely related to the brain [mind] and gives relief from stress-anxiety. To relax sit on a chair or lie down, neck straight, eyes closed, avoid moving too much and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for 5-10-15 minutes or more. Never meditate with expectations but with awareness. Don’t fight your thoughts. With daily practice the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Observe your breath sensations before sleep, when reading, in the kitchen, when taking a walk etc -----anytime-anywhere. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a better life. Best wishes--Counsellor.
Thank You Julie, an excellent video that found me just when i needed it!!! Learning about the secondary gains was very eye opening. I am already putting these concepts to use, and getting control of my busy mind!!!
I'm afraid if I don't have those thoughts I'll end up repeating the mistakes. Keeping them in the forefront of my mind will help me spot that same type of person or situation easier and get the hell away before it's too late.
I have a thought that I’m not as good as ‘them’. I can’t reallly articulate why. I have ideas that swirl in my head but I am having to work on pinning them down. I want to know the why so that I can release it. Being part of a family of 4 competitive girls has a lot to do with it!!! 🤣🥰🙏
I think it's helpful but slightly misleading to have people thinking we "get" things from ruminating, as if we intended to consider some unresolved negativity... 💁🏻♂️Negative/regretful thoughts can be like echoes, and they can also be intrusive. 👉Ruminating is a Response👈 *It is an indicator* that *we need reconciliation & resolution.* 🧠"A problem you cannot solve is a problem you cannot forget."🤯 But we can accept what we can resolve. Or we can choose to move along.😑 That is the key to "letting go" of ruminating thoughts, but in fact, we're *not "letting go",* we're actually taking control of the situation we ruminate about, and choose to deal with it or decide it's not worth resolving. ✌
I have watched several different ruminating vids and I have found yours to be the most helpful and insightful. I struggle with rumination often as a way to resolve relationship conflicts (it doesn't help of course!). I am seeing that 1) I do do this as self-protection and 2) not so much about punishing the other person, but as an inability to have action oriented tools to handle or speak up for myself and have stronger boundaries. I tend to get stuck when I feel uncomfortable with difficult/negative emotions that I am not fully processing and instead of feeling the feelings....I try to problem solve scenarios in my mind without doing the actual work. Am I supposed to be 'doing the work?' or just letting it go....how do you know when it is time to just drop it!
Stephy, How are you now ? Be careful what you feed your mind. To feel better reduce negative thoughts and overthinking. Avoid comparing, reduce negative social media and avoid constipation as it affects the mind. Your breathing is closely related to the brain [mind] and gives relief from stress-anxiety. To relax sit on a chair or lie down, neck straight, eyes closed, avoid moving too much and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for 5-10-15 minutes or more. Never meditate with expectations but with awareness. Don’t fight your thoughts. With daily practice the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Observe your breath sensations before sleep, when reading, in the kitchen, when taking a walk etc -----anytime-anywhere. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a better life. Best wishes--Counsellor.
Hey Julia, happy Thursday friend, I have been dealing with this lately. Thanks for talking about it, I'm learning how to stop, I appreciate you lots friend 😊 ❤ Happy Thursday to everyone
OCD and overthinking is taking away everything that brings me joy and I'm trying to get my control from intrusive thoughts but it's hard because I have been abused and my self worth is in the ground.
This is JUST what I needed to hear! I was getting something from the thoughts that lived in my head rent free. I questioned it and I also learned what really my thoughts meant. Thank you!
Hey Julia, i'm relatively new here, and ruminating thoughts and overthinking are just a few things in my life to have really troubled me over much of my life (I'm now in my 30s), and I feel these thoughts are really what need to be left in the past as many of them come across as torturing, having been through bullying and being embarrassed to name but a few when younger. What you explained here, particularly from around 8:43 onward was exactly what I've been going through and a big, BIG way on how to handle it, so thank you for sharing this. Much appreciated. Dan P.S. love your top you were wearing here as well.
Then there are individuals that do not love you but do not stop involving themselves into your life and affairs directly and indirectly( gossip, stalking through others, etc.) even after you have removed them from your life or expressed disinterest in having relations with them. 🤔 Have a good weekend everyone. 🤗🥰😹😻😊
This makes so much sense and I wish I watched this video a year and a half ago. I’m thankful to be in a better place in my head. Not allowing myself to ruminate my thoughts that was a horrible place. I’m on the mend and thank you for your videos. ❤️
Great topic! It's interesting to think that we might be getting something from ruminating. When recollecting past harms, I find myself ruminating about what would have been the best way to respond, what would have been the best thing to say to protect myself. I think that it's the brain trying to come up with the perfect defense in case that situation happens again in the future. Unfortunately, pondering such things again and again becomes counterproductive and unhappy.
Thanks for the awesome video Julia, you are the best of the best. Occasionally I catch myself ruminating over slight injustices?? I am vilifying the other person and it makes me feel good. And they are unaware of it. It’s clear as a 🛎 bell.
My brain ruminates WHILST I’m asleep. I have dreams ever night about work issues and I wake up feeling unrested. Any suggestions for that? All research I’ve done lead to dead ends.
stay well and strong all xxx personally I struggle with anxiety and ocd and have thoughts like things I cannot control and responsibility, I often feel like I am responsible for things that I'm not and I feel bad saying that x as i feel guilty alot and full of worry and fear alot xx sorry to be down not my intention love all xx ❤
This is something that has been happening to me since I could remember . Even as a child I remember laying in bed at night doing this to myself . Being sexually abused and abandoned as a child really made feel very unlovable all my life to this day I battle these thoughts. Never did I stop to think I was getting something out of such negative thoughts . Thank you for all the knowledge you share in your videos . I’m now a recovery and ptsd coach/counselor and just starting out so all your content is extremely beneficial to myself and my clients.
For a very long time the rumanating was so strong that I just could not redirect it. Then I realized that I needed to try and stop it. That also took a long time and a lot of practice. I had made the decision to pray the Our Father, everytime I would start rumanating. At first I would rumaninate for quite some time before I could redirect it. Then gradually, I was able to redirect it quicker. I have prayed a lot of Our Fathers. Now, after 25 years since the divorce, I can say that the rumanating was perhaps due to the fact that there was never any closure. So many things were never resolved, so many things needed to be said, for me at least. I seemed to remunate about something until I got an answers, or more like an understanding, closure. And then I would move on to another part of the relationship which needed, I figure, to be resolved. I have come to understand that this type of trauma/injury requires a lot of time. Don't let anyone shame you for doing what you need to do to get over it. It will take a lot of time. It is not mind over matter. But once I made the decision to try to redirect the rumanating, for sure, this was the beginning of my journey down the mountain sort of speak. Journey towards peace and contentment. And regaining my mind.
Key in recovery from past harming patterns, is practicing to combat the thoughts that prevent from moving away from the past. A method that worked for me, was to set the timer on my phone, every hour or so. The more time went by, the longer the gaps in the alarm.
This video has really struck a chord with me. I often wonder why do I do this to myself? I have never realised its because I feel as though I am getting something out of it. Thankyou ❤
What a great video. As a alumni from the Shift Society. Life is so much more empowering and inspiring. I am more mentally stable and the shift society allowed me to make the best life change : Being Happy. I think a lot about many things and Ruminating thoughts appear frequently. I believe that I am growing and letting go on the "ultimate thought" that has held me back as a child. I continue to minimal committable and it seems that things continue to be better and better after the self-trust exercise.
I liked your example of ruminating about someone as a means to get back at them even though they have no idea that you are doing this. I do this with people and have found that there is a trigger that puts me in this thought pattern so I try to deal with the trigger.
I've been ruminating as a defensive, self-righteous measure as I was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist for a long time but after watching your video Julia I realise I don't need to keep doing this. I have recognised through being mindful that I'm having these thoughts on repeat but can't understand why I can't stop them, now I can as I was getting something from them without realising it The way you've explained it made sense to me and I now realise I don't need to keep doing this as how this person behaved towards me was on them and not my fault at all, I was just a target for narcissistic supply. Thank you for making sense of this Julia as I hadn't thought of my thoughts in this way before and your video has helped immensely.
Hello Julia thank you for this amazing platform. I really am in need of assistance with keeping a roof over my 7 year and mine head and get into a safer place. I have a go fund me set up under Keeley Mason. Anything helps just like your channel. Thank you and god bless everyone.
This is spot on for me since I ruminate a lot, as in a lot. When someone has done something wrong towards me, I allow it to take over me because I was angry and I couldn't get back at them. If I keep myself busy, I stop ruminating but that was just me escaping.
Excellent video as yours always are. You have the kindest eyes and lovely smile, which makes such a difference when one is struggling with an emotional issue.
I prepared for a job interview for three weeks. The question I was given was a brain teaser, and I solved it correctly, I was so happy my preparation helped. I even took a picture of my solution-it was good, clean, clear, and the interviewer told me I had solved the problem and that there was not much room for improvement. But the next day, I received a rejection call without any explanation. They just said they didn't want to continue with me. I felt devastated. I did everything right, I solved the problem, and I expressed myself the best I could, but it still wasn't enough. Now, I can't shake the feeling that the interviewer is still in my head, questioning everything I do, as if I have to justify every action. I can't stop thinking about it. It's been more than a week, and I still find myself replaying the interview in my mind. I feel judged even while cooking, gaming, or working. This constant replay is exhausting, and I just want it to stop. It is affecting my performance in many other things even upcoming interviews, I am unable to prepare.
Imagine being framed for a capital crime, everyone believes you did it, only the person who framed you knows they framed you and after 7 years in prison, you know that they now think you did it and you kind of think you did it -- but you didn't. They framed you and there's no way out. It was a perfect frame. Would you ruminate? Yeah, you'd ruminate. And ruminate. And ruminate. Then think about lunch . Then ruminate some more.
Holy moly! What do I get from hanging on to these feelings about someone? Thats a question to ask myself. Such a great light you’ve shown on ruminating/resenting someone. 🙏
Really helpful perspective that I didn't realise there was a secondary payoff when the "loop" doesn't stop. I have noticed ruminating thoughts are worse when tired and or stressed like a script that needs to be cleaned out and rewritten. Thank you Julia
I finally believe no one wants to be around me, and have peace for the first time. Explains so much. I don't hate anyone, though I don't expect to connect w/anyone deeply.
