Thank you. Before I "met" you, I knew nothing about : - it's not all my fault always - it's possible to have false guilt - boundaries - it's OK and take care for once self first - narcissism - codependency - it's possible and ok to love yourself - is OK to leave a conversation calmly - it's OK to do something without spouses permission - it's OK to make decisions without asking - NO is a complete sentence - it's not my fault when my wife weeps when I go jogging 2x a week 30min - Having the right to have and keep an opinion YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!!! THANK YOU 😘
Stephanie you put that across so, so well and above all else you are so obviously a true and proper Lady! That being in the old fashioned English sense of the word.
The other comment I wanted to make is that people pleasers are secretly angry and resentful and blame others. But what we really need to do is say no and take responsibility for ourselves and choices. I am working on this!
You will wear yourself out pleasing everyone else and end up suffering yourself. You need to learn to say no & not feel bad about it. You are truly saving yourself & you owe yourself that much. It's never too late. I waited until retirement to start saying no.
I can completely relate to everything said in this video. The only point I would make is to add an additional comment that children can sometimes learn to people please their parents because to say no would mean punishment. I’m talking about children having to conform in order to survive a hostile family environment. The results are the same as described in this video - the child is conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and never learn to rely upon their feelings. They also struggle to develop a cohesive sense of self. These abused children are hard to spot because they are so well conditioned to people please they never skip school, always complete their homework, never misbehave in or out of school and so never come to the attention of anyone who might be able to help them. This is a really good video. I’ve saved it to come back to watch again. One of the most important points that I’m going to take away from this is to stop using the expression people pleaser, and use the expression Disease to Please. I think that when I identify myself as a people pleaser it’s harder to set boundaries because it feels like I’m attacking my core identity. But when I tell myself I’m suffering from a disease and I can self diagnose myself as having the Disease to Please, then setting boundaries feels more like a treatment or a cure for the disease. I can feel my confidence rising just saying this. Thank you for an amazing video.
Yup 100% I didn’t even know I was a people pleaser because I had done it for so long that I didn’t even have a second thought about not wanting to do it. There was zero desire to keep any time for money or material possessions for me. I’d been completely conditioned from a young age that I was there to make everything better, I had taught myself to take physical abuse and not cry and still get everything done. I attract abusers and pack up and move so they can’t find me. All I needed to do was start loving myself, learning everyday and practicing. We will get there!
You absolutely can.. it’s a continuous practice. You start to reprogram yourself and introduce new things into your mind and world that allow you to grow and become healthier.
Disease to please is such a good way to phrase it! I used to think that me being ‘nice’ was a positive trait, but my eyes have been opened. Personally I’ve made great strides but I was just confronted with this professionally as I STRUGGLED to ask for a raise. I realized I was avoiding confrontation, and not prioritizing my needs and desires, to benefit others. So glad I pushed through. It went very well!
Wow! I didn't realise the basis of my indecisiveness, lack of assertion, inability to set boundaries and feeling disconnected with myself. I taught myself to say No when it is a clear "can I take your book?" I can't say no when someone would request "Can I go first? Can I take that project?" I have to respond appropriately to these now. 1- Give up own feelings/needs and get praise for it. (101%) 2- Need for validation 3- Completely avoid confrontation (can't stand up for myself-- abuse is common)
I was thinking about this today I’ve done so much for other people in my life and where did it get me no where . So now it’s time I put my life first .
So true ..I had a habit of feeling really bad to pull away from people I felt uncomfortable with ,because a lot of people will turn it around and make it your problem ..trouble is there are a lot of stressed and unstable people around ...I feel like a coward if I don't make my own decisions , Also these days of spiritual growth ..I do try and do the decent thing ..such a lot for all of us to learn .Thanks Love your video's .
I'm 34yrs old and just starting to really recognise that i'm a bit of a people pleaser especially when it's my family and friends. Now I've reached the point where i've been so generous and forgiving of toxic ppl in my life that they're now used to expecting me to let their bad behaviour slide. I'm done! It's costing me way too much stress and strain it's time to change and think about ME. No one else is!
Really loved this video please do keep these videos coming. There is a lot of us who may not always comment but are extremely effected in a positive way from your videos
I appreciate your clarity and specific examples. It's wonderful we are given the opportunity now to wake up from the stupor put upon us as a child. Now parents can also be conscious of what they are molding in their children. 🎉
Now I see why people think I have a problem when I ask them basic questions about what they want/need or how they feel and their opinions. When its just them growing up in a society which doesn't give and never gave them choices. I love how I have evolved. I will never stop aaking even if they think I am dumb for asking.
I never thought of myself as a people pleaser because I always thought it was those women that love hosting parties and doing everything for everyone else. I'm not that social so I couldnt relate until this week when I realised several new 'friends' I'd made were women who didn't actually seem to like or respect me but wanted to use me as free emotional support and boast to so they could feel better about themselves. These false friendships made me feel awful and were painful. I looked into how they'd evolved and realised I'd really wanted them to like me and be friends as I was lonely and flattered they wanted my friendship ie I put them on a pedestal then tried to 'be a good friend' which I'm now realising is code pendent people pleasing behaviour. I've not replied to one of them because I can't bare to listen to her whining about petty problems and I def feel a bit nervous and guilty not replying but it's also kind of exhilarating standing firm and putting myself first. It's been really useful realising I had this people pleasing tendency, it's also other piece in the puzzle.
Thank you for mentioning that you sometimes fall back into old habits, because I've noticed, as much work as I've done to overcome people pleasing, I've also been through a lot and it's affected me in this way, and I've noticed that I've slipped back into old ways. My confidence has really taken a knocking in the last two years in particular, and just seems like for my whole life whenever I try and move forward someone steps in and has another jab at me? I was feeling bad about slipping, but I guess it's just normal to regress at times. I've noticed that I have started asking friends for their opinion again, when I know it's not the best for me. I grew up with a mother who made all the decisions for me...even what I wore sometimes, and I had to learn how to do this for myself as a younger woman leaving home. A woman I know reminded me the other day that I don't need anyone elses opinion, which was kind of her. I've just felt so low and like i'm really nothing...after a few people really judging me as worthless. You can feel it even if they don't say it to you in words.
When I ask someone for their opinion I usually have a good idea of what I want to do. I am just asking for a second opinion, another way of looking at things. Problem is people get mad if you do not take their opinion over yours. My goal is to make the best decision I can not to abandon my opinion but to get another prospective. You need to learn who to ask on certain topics.
I basically people pleased myself to homelessness I’m so discouraged I overcame sexual physical abuse addiction been sober 5 years it’s taken me twenty years to obtain 5 consecutive years of sobriety. Just tired scared and feel I’ll never get better
Thanks!!!! This is so true - I have seen in life people Will use you if you let them!!!! I have always been the type to give more than I get -which is good according to th bible and I have been blessed = but there gets to a point you have to put your foot down!!!
WOW!! This hit home for me. So glad I came across this video. It makes so much sense why I've been this way for all my life so far. But then again, I'm Libra sun & rising so that explains a lot for desire to please others, asking others for their opinions, having a difficult time making a decision, and fear of confrontation. Thank you!
This channel has been eye opening to me about issues that I could not bring to terms. Although healing is further down the road, the first step in healing is knowing the problem. Learning that there is a title for the way I am (an empath and an extremely codependent one if I must say) gives me a reference point to begin the stages of betterment. I’m grateful to learn from you and words cannot describe my gratitude! “Always forward, forward always.” -Luke Cage-
Years ago families had many children and engaging each one on their opinion and having discussions on why their parent/caregiver has instruction what should be done would have been impossible and very stressful. I come from a family of six children, two parents and we all survived. As an adult I can now make my own choices and have my own opinions. ❤️
Usually, if there was a conflict with family or friends. I would get up and walk away. 😢 I try not to do that now. You're right in few relationships I've had narcissists. My last friend a fell in love with used me for my money 💰 and they knew how I felt. Turned it around later a and said it's all in my head. So now I've gotten the strength to block an delete them.
A ''disease to please'' that's the best phrase I've heard in a long, long time! having spent my entire 48 years trying to please I concur it is a dis-ease! Its hard to stop, were supposed to be this way as empathic humans, but as your many videos on the subject prove it can be unbalanced and self defeating at best, abusive to others at worst. I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of 'no' to practice!
My family's view .... "Do as I say and not what I do!" Even, when I got up the nerve to stand up to it, after I got counseling help, they would say everything we do for you, and this is how you treat us? I do have a new life in another state and continue to work on my problems while watching videos like this, however, I still dream about past trauma and still attract people who have similar behavior patterns like my family's and yes, I have a hard time making decisions at times and feel guilty a lot of the time when I try to stand up for my needs.
Stephanie absolutely ❤your videos you made me take a look at something from my childhood, my mom used to always make me iron her clothes for work, and I hated it with a passion! so I think I learn to just do for people because she made me do these things not being aware that's it's a part of people-pleasing👌 I didn't mind helping people, but when I realize people take advantage of it that's when I had to put my foot down🤣 and now people🤔 are mad, which I don't care💪 thank you so much for helping me to reflect on my childhood💕
I totally feel what you say. I am proof because I am a baby boomer. My parents made the rules (Pls don't misunderstand though, because I loved them so much and they loved me --- they are in heaven now) but yes, in my time, we just followed. The good thing is that it taught me to not do the same for my girls. I listen to them, I respect their opinions, and see things from their perspective. Life is a learning process and if we take the good lessons from our experience, we are able to set ourselves for success and happiness. Thank you. You are amazing!
It doesn't matter where we live or our walk of life , I use to hate the internet and all it stood for ,but I am so happy that there are some positive news and feedback that can help me. that can't travel the world looking for a Dr to talk to , here is what I think ,it's nice to know that we all have some thing in common ,we can help each other buy sharing what we know ,and learning from the experience we have gone through , that proves Jesus Christ is bringing positive people to help others,all be safe and stay positive
Thank you so much for such an amazing common! One of the benefits of social media and the Internet is exactly what you just said… We have the ability to connect all over the world and share each other’s experiences and not feel alone. The fact that were able to educate each other and overcome these things is so amazing! All the best to you
Can you please make a video of how to balance your assertiveness? I feel that because when i was a child people had no respect for my bounderies and i was a people pleaser, i went in to the other extreme where i put my boundaries a bit aggressivly and a bit too much aggressive now. Thanks a lot you are one of my biggest self awaerness teachers😍
There’s no doubt. I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I am tired and exhausted and I wish the entire world would go away and leave me alone and stop putting pressure on me. If I could be a hermit I would be happy. I hate having people around me. I love my alone time even away from my husband.
I've never asked people if I'm making the right decision. I do what feels natural for me and if anyone asks why'd I do that for I did it because it actually was right for me. Someone could give you advice on what to do but who's to say that advice is best for you? One time my mom said this was after we'd had carpet laid down, this was in mine and my husbands house and she was telling us how to handle the situation because something had gone wrong and do you know what she said to me "If you go on the phone unsure of yourself they can fob you off, you have to be like, now this was supposed to come with this, this and this..." And I thought about it but that didn't come right or natural for me obviously it came natural to her and was a eye opener for me to hear what she would do but I'd go at that differently. Say, if I did do that and they came back me with that much aggression I'd crumble. I wouldn't be able to handle myself so when people give you advice it's what works for them. What I would do is, if I couldn't sort it with the person I'd go over their heads and put a complaint into management and they can make it right with their employees. I don't go tow to tow with people. I've never been comfortable with anyone making choices for me so I loved it when I reached 16, and then 18, and then 21 because I was reaching legal age where I could make my choices because it is my life - a lot of people might not agree with how I live my life but I think the whole point of it is to enjoy it. My mom and dad have never approved of my choices, it hurts but after awhile I don't really care. It's just because they'd do things differently. However I did look to mom for a whole portion of my life for validation that I was making her proud but I was making myself miserable but if I was living life the way I want, rather than in the ways she does I was never going to get that approval and I had to mourn that, she thinks highly of my sister because their life styles and choices are similar and so when they harp on at me I try and shut down because they are judging me in my life for my decisions I make, and the reason why mom gets so mad is because she feels I should come to her and ask her opinion, that's what my sister does but I don't. Mom says to me other children come to their Mom's and ask for advice, I always went to my Mom (but she's highly controlling, and advice turns into a lecture and I get unsolicited advice anyway and by not going to her although I may make bad choices but at least I learn from them.) Thing is, my mom and I've heard this from her mom how she's frightened of me making a bad decision so all the decisions have to be evaluated, and thought through before we make one. To some extent I do agree with it but she can't make a decision, I know what I want ad go for it whether it's which tiles to have in my bathroom or which wedding dress was perfect for me
Thank you fir your videos. I went through a really tough time recently, and your videos played a big part in me starting to understand what happened to me, and how to start healing. Thank you
I am very good at making decisions usually! I select something and go! and i have some PP tendencies still, yet I'm workin on it! it is about boundaries and standards...
I find that to be clever…..for wits, ‘The Disease To Please’……. It is step to positive for the awareness. The social distractions are known to go on for the social life, but we just have to find ways to really decide for ourselves.
A really horrible combination is a people pleaser and a needy manipulator. You end up hating the the manipulator but being too passive to say it to their face, until one day you explode.
Really look forward to all your videos! Was raised to put others first and then learned to fill my own body and soul first. Such a hard thing to unlearn though. I still see my siblings do it and it makes me cringe. Can’t change them though
This is so true, though I think there is a darker way in which somebody gets the 'disease to please'. If somebody has grown up in an abusive household pleasing others can be the only way they avoid being abused. Then later in life if they are preyed upon by a narcissist, pleasing them becomes the only way to avoid the stress they will put on you for not doing what they want.
Hi I love your channel u just subscribe ,I'm totally a person pleaser I never say no to anyone just because I'm worried they don't agree ..I love listening to you you really give great advice,
one thing that is interesting is the intersection between differing personalities and parenting styles. I would argue that parents should be ready to adapt their style according to each child's unique disposition, on top of being aware of how, say, an introvert sibling is going to approach conflict with an extrovert sister and narcisist brother, lol, and finally I would say hands down hats off to parents who parent, aka take on the toughest most important job in the world. Ever. Smh 👏👏👏
You ha e spolen very well ... I wish you well.... Thank you so very much ...iam indeed so honor and delighted ... Thanks alot for that may oyr lord bless us for the redt of our lives Ameen indeed ....
I like the topic and first time commenting Growing up in different culture, I can definitely see your point of giving options . And you explain the disease of many losers For giving them many options here in the us ?
I need more practice saying no. Your ex husband was a horrible narcissist too? My ex was a horrible narcissist. 13 years of hell. well. 11 for sure. It's when I finally found out that not only was he a narc but, how on earth did I get to be with him?
maybe you shouldnt force him to put on coat , just tell it is cold outside and if he doesnt wear it willfully he would get cold and get sick.. if he doesnt choose to wear it is a lesson for life :) 4:00
Focus on yourself and no to those who harrassment bully or not nice to women and say no. I'm no longer a people pleaser because I say no to themselves toxic men online I don't care about there bullshit behavior and leave the mj posers and bullying men and abusers manipulater men. Keep saying no I never date or ever have x with any of then I rattter throw up instead. Bye bye toxic men.
Great advise and it will take some time but I'm going to conquer the need to people please! I've done it for far too long. Thank you! And by the way has anyone ever told you you look Alyssa Milano? You could be her twin!
@@StephanieLynCoaching what to do if your parents controll u and they use your past mistakes over what u cant do mines wont let me get a job or they think all i do is complain and i dont even if i have a reason to i mean i have to have a life? Im way over 18 i cant call family members for help because some are messy and gossip and if i said or do something i will get yelled at constantly like im retared or something one time some one told me DO NOt COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT A JOB!! Since i cant do what i told is there a way out of this situation
Maaann when I tell you I have the HARDEST time making decisions because I’m always thinking about how it will affect others and how it will affect me... smhh I gotta stop!!
Hi! Has anyone suggested that you read Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More"? There's a chapter about the detachment from (what I think is) the thinking style you're talking about. It changed my life significantly. The very first time I put this detachment into practice, the Biggest weight lifted off me & stayed off for years. Recently I struggled with it again. I moved in with a bf, and I killed myself trying to cook and clean and keep everything else in order. After some time, I realized the codependency. I was able to step back and start rearranging my priorities in order to start taking care of Myself first again.
Hello kelia, unfortunately it's not that easy to stop pleasing other people, all of us are people pleasers who try our best to have the best self image to show the world out of fear of being judged and not being accepted by society. Maybe you get peer pressured from your friends or maybe you don't want to disappoint your parents and try to reach up to their expectations, or even trying to pleasing someone you like by doing what they tell you to do. Honestly all of us suffer from this, all of us don't want to seem weird, and try to fit in society's standards, and add political correctness into that! It will make us feel tired due to the constant run of faking a perfect image. Fortunately there's a way to deal with all of this and get rid of people pleasing for good. You see, we don't usually are aware of what makes us so attached to some people that it feels so hard to let them go so we do whatever we're told to do, even if we don't agree with it. For example maybe your friends want to go to the club, and you feel like going tonight, but just because of the fact that you want to please your friends you say YES INSTEAD OF SAYING NO. Now the short and easy solution I recommend doing is to get more friends, socialize and go out more so you would have some kind of ABUNDANCE that will allow you to have options and have some authority over yourself, however in the long run this solution doesn't work, since you'll get caught up on people's expectations again and it will fuck with your brains because as soon as you get that love from everyone you will IMMEDIATELY think about when all of this is going to end and HOW YOU are going to keep their approval. So what I do "recommend" doing is to start let go all of the SOCIAL CONDITIONING , CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS(or smaller scale hurts) and reconditioning your Brain to become awesome and live your life to the fullest, freely on your own terms. If you're interested in learning on how to do the above hit me up on my Instagram @theboringkaps I give free consultations (BUT ONLY FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE ACTION AND ACHIEVE THEIR GOALS, NO DABBLERS PLEASE). Peace ✌️
13:09 spot on! For me, here where it's all at. In a word it's EMOTOPHOBIA (not to be confused with Emetophobia). It's a fear of negative emotions, both in others, and the self. I have no idea why this word is mostly ignored. For me it's been the key to not only understanding people pleasing, but basically everything that I could never articulate about me emotionally.
This is completely me, and I have always gotten taken advantage of and then been so hurt when that person would not be there if I ever needed help. I could not understand how you could give and give and that person didn’t even care, by being this away you just attract users, sponges.
