My husband and I are both first born and have been married 51yrs. I chose him due to the fact he was a Christian and we both went to the same church. He has always been my rock but we both think our way is best. It has been a challenge at times but I tend to give in more than him. Our marriage has always been our main focus. He was also a Marine when we got married which fits in with his need to have his way and I understand. I feel so safe knowing we will continue to grow old together ❤️
There's no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship; they're all unique. What makes one person happy might not make another person happy. But I've learned that there's always a way to solve problems. Five years back, my wife and I were almost divorcing because we had problems in our marriage, but we managed to work things out. It was a hard time, but we got past it.
I get why what you're saying is so important, and I honestly want to be happy too. I'm in a relationship, and even though we're apart, I can't imagine my life without her; my love for her is strong. I really want her to come back, and I'm fully dedicated to making that happen. We've tried different paths, like therapy, to fix things.
Moving on from someone you hold dear is invariably challenging, but in my experience, I was guided by a spiritual counselor who prevented the breakdown of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
Thank you for this advice. I'll promptly start searching for her online. I appreciate it. I'm optimistic that pursuing this approach will also lead to favorable outcomes for me; her absence weighs heavily on me.
Years ago, I bought Dr. Leman's book on birth order. I immediately went to the last born chapter only to read that if I was the last born, you came here first. He got me. Anyway, took his advice from the book. I am last born of three and my wife is first born of three. And, Dr. Leman is right. It really has helped our marriage to be a first and last born couple.
I’ve always been interested in birth order. It’s not an exact science, but birth order is more about family dynamics and roles than anything. Each child is born into a different family.
It’s encouraging to read your positive feedback, friend! If you need any help, please feel free to call us at 1‐800‐232‐6459. God’s richest blessings to you! -Mia J.
I was the 4th of 8 children and our home was broken by divorce. My husband was the 2nd of 5 children and a preacher’s kid. We’ve been together for 44 years. Happy to have found each other.
Husband and I had been married 15 yrs. hence our 7th grade middle son (family comedian) brought the book order bok home from school. We decided why not and sat down and read thru it till our stomach hurt. It’s all truth. The best.
Dr. you just described me and the hubs driving just today. For most of the trip, I close my eyes and pray; so I do not comment on his driving or what direction to take or to avoid another driver. He says, I am bossy and he is right and he too is a first born so he understands. When the shoe is off the foot and he is bossy we are I believe correctly in line with Christ so I stay quiet and pray! Side Note: I have a brother who is 18 months younger than me and he leapfrogged over me and has tried to assume the role of firstborn. We are now both in our 50s and he stated to our Mom the other day how proud and surprised I became a Doctor Naturopath (ND), also married a Doctor who is both an ND, MD, who is a bishop in the Eastern Orthodox Church; and we run our family business. He actually thought I was very dumb and would never amount to anything. Well, I ended up showing him and I am the only adult child in our family with a college degree. they can leap frog all the want we will eventually make our way as first born with all our amazing skills intact.
My husband and I are both firstborns and he hit the nail on the head about the car rides 😂 I definitely have a lot of commentary when my husband is driving! I try not to say anything but boy it is hard I’m going to do better! 😂😂
I am an only child married to a twin. We met on eHarmony. We will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary next week. As someone said in another comment, there’s no such things as perfect marriages. A marriage consists of two imperfect human beings. Our marriage comes pretty close to being perfect though. When my parents were killed by a drunk driver two years ago, I took care of everything. My parents, of course, didn’t plan on dying at the same time. If it weren’t for my husband, I could not have survived that tragedy.
I read his book, first born here. I read myself, it’s great for understanding yourself and it makes you aware in order to smooth things in a relationship.
I’m a first born. But I’ve had learning disability and difficulties in my growing up years. That I gave my birth order rights to my sister the middle child. I’m still older but I listen to her like she’s the first born. And she definitely has a first born kind of personality too. I married a first born. He’s definitely as you described! And UGH!! It’s so annoying!!!!! Edited:::::::::: OH!!!!!!!!! My mom was not only criticizing and critical of me the older child. She was abusive towards me. Not my siblings. ( because I definitely frustrated her as an ADHD child, before there was a diagnosis for this). So it makes sense why my middle sister is the “older sister”
I'm the youngest, 8&9 years between my siblings and myself. I was raised a bit different due to the gap. My sister was at flighty and went on to 6 six children out of state, brother was doing him so i got the place of I guess the oldest position. I love them but sometimes we have to adjust to placements.
I’m #8 of 11 kids and married an only child. My parents were married 54 yrs before dad passed. He came from a broken home, parents each married many times. We met at 14 & 15 yrs old and have been together since then, married at 17 & 18 and have been married 54 1/2 yrs.
Ive ALWAYS ALWAYS been introduced by ny 2 older siblings to there friends (im the youngest) as their “baby sister” in my much younger years id get so offended and blurt out “im not a baby!” LOL even to this day im hitting 50y/o in a few months and Im STILL introduced to people by my sisters as their baby sister. It use to be annoying in my adolescent and teen years but now as a grown woman i adore it and will forever keep and hold that title❤️
I hate titles like that! My mother and my sister were called that & milked it for everything they could. They both acted like "babies." They behaved like they were too dumb to take care of themselves. Others gave them money, did things for them, made excuses for their rude behavior. People often encourage the "babies" to never grow up.
Whoops - I have a super successful bro 13 years younger and he’s still my baby brother. (I’m in my 60s) I cared for him as a teen and pretended he was mine. Today I call his kids the “babies of our baby” - they light up and suddenly start behaving beautifully.
This is understandable. We are a lot about our environment. It does condition and wire us into different perspectives and personalities. And that all begins in the family setting so this resonates with me.
He said that if at least one parent is very critical of the older sibling(s) then the younger sibling will leap frog over the older siblings because the older siblings end up feeling incapable due to the heavy criticism. Sounds like your parents may have been less critical of you than they were of your older siblings.
I am a first born who had a “critical eye” mother. Dr. Leman described me perfectly! And my sister born 1 year later was more like a 1st born! He nailed it!
That's interesting, about the critical parent! I always wondered why my oldest sister didn't seem like a 1st born but my second sibling sister completely does! My grandma lived with my parents the 1st few years of marriage & hear she was a pretty critical lady... Interesting.
Im so excited about this..i always knew this in my mind, I'm a second born who knew i can't get married to a 2nd 3nd or 4th born i got married to a 1st born and the relationship is so easy.
I'm intrigued by this and would love to read the book. I think broken families makes this much harder to delineate though, especially since there's a decent amount of nuance already with age gaps and parental differences. I am an only child of my parents union, but my dad had a son before me in another marriage (whom I didn't know) and my mom had another daughter after me in another marriage (whom I helped raise). I was also a middle child in the blended family of my mom's second marriage until that ended and I was back to firstborn status. I have a firstborn personality with some mixture of other traits, my mom was also hyper-critical and I was expected to be adult-like very early in life. I'm terrible at giving encouragement to people I know well, a problem I really want to fix. My husband is an only child, but his personality doesn't fit into any category neatly. I guess I wonder how much is nature vs nurture.
I hate to say that nothing that you said matches my wife and I or other people we know. Both my wife and I are second born, and also last born and completely opposite of what you explained. We both are very responsible, write lists, and think everything through very clearly. We also get along very, very well for many years!
Your response in itself exhibits qualities of a last born . Also people can learn behaviors and evolve. There is no possible way for human behavior to have a perfect template because individuals are shaped by circumstances, experiences , physiology, ect ., I am the last born and highly organized but it was learned and mastered from a young age , my nature is to be a free thinker. Like with anything when addressing a large audience , he is generally speaking
I am the classic middle child. It's a lonely place in a crowd of people. I feel like I never fit in with my family. I love them, but I am different than they are, I do things differently. They don't understand. And my little sister really did get away with murder, she could do no wrong. 😊
It’s much more than birth order it’s more the way we were treated by parents and the role that is assigned to us by parents especially if they are narcissistic toxic parents. The first born gets it the worst
I was the youngest of five kids and I had it pretty bad. Was never taken seriously or thought of as capable or competent. I have gone low contact to almost no contact with my family and every time I enter back into communicating w them, that dysfunctional parental dynamic from my parents comes into play. I can’t stand it. I went on to become a therapist and family still thinks I know nothing. So it’s better I don’t communicate with them.
I think he’s trying to say he supports her but it’s in a different way but he’s got some interesting points and I really like that he says not everyone is the same he’s talking generally
I could be wrong, but for the purpose of birth order, I think he counts everyone in between the oldest and youngest as a middle child (unless there is a 5 year or more age gap between the person in question and their OLDER sibling(s). Then they would be considered (personality wise) a firstborn.
I didn't find this birth order as recognizable in my family. Nine siblings, I'm middle..oldest is boy, next is girl and neither carry the first born traits. 3rd was a comedian who was handed some first born traits. I think when one parent has mental illness it can change a few dynamics.❤
My husband is the oldest and has two younger sisters. I am the youngest and have two older brothers. We've been married for 12 years😂. My husband's very intelligent and always March the beat of his own drum and kind of always family. I was the youngest of two older brothers and was always trying to Reign them in. I ended up being the first married and the First with kids! I'm the one who has everybody over at their house and is constantly waiting on everyone. It served me well having two older brothers to constantly have to keep in line.
I am the 3rd of 4, the 1st of a set of twins, but was raised as an only child by my grandmother. I am 41 and have trouble trying to figure out my role--even in my work.
My hubby and me have been married for 22 years both first born. He is 4 years younger than me. He is my little brothers age. He had 3 younger brothers. He is a PK. This is both of our second marriages. He had one kid I have one kid. The kids as kids when together fought like cats and dogs. But would defend each other to any other. I was single mom for 13 years.
Brilliant book & explains a lot for me,being first born with a parent, who tended to be critical. I do think ‘sins of the fathers’ etc is so true but knowing what Kevin writes about could avoid this scenario.
I've found it interesting that when I meet people from Africa and Asia, they tend to introduce themselves by including their birth order. We even see the emphasis in the Bible with Jacob's children, and the births of a few other figures. It really can tell you a lot about a person's personality and why they behave and react in certain ways. I wish there was more info on people that come from blended families. I am my dad's second youngest after being his youngest for 11 years, and my mom's oldest. So in a way, I am the oldest, middle and for a time, the youngest simultaneously.
I was the youngest of the family of both of my parents and my own and it shaped all of my life. At twelve I should have left, I tried but they prohibited it. I walked through a different beat of the drum, for sure.
I ran away every week when I was in first grade. My mother hated me and told me so all the time. I had two younger brothers (I'm the firstborn) who were treated so very different. I washed walls, store on a stool and did dishes, folded laundry, and took care of my brothers. My mother said she didn't ever know what to give me for Christmas so I always got a board game, even though I had no one to play it with. My sister was born when I was 12. My parents put her crib in my room so I could get up and feed her during the night. As she got older I was made to entertain her, playing board games, picking her up from school, and taking her along on my dates. She was spoiled like my brothers and hated me to the very end (54).
I was the youngest of 16 and everyone was very critical of me. But it brought a spirit of fierce competitiveness and eventually drove me to success! But the key is learning to take your losses and learn from them!
I was an only child for 15 years before my parents adopted my sister. My husband was the youngest of 4 kids. We’ve been married for 18 years in September. We’ve both had different and unique experiences with our respective parents, but both of us seem to have had to be more mature and do more to get our parents’ approval growing up, so maybe that’s why we work well together.
My dad was southern but we lived in the southwest. I was third daughter followed by only son. When he would introduce me he would say " this is my least one..." As a child i of course understood the non southern definition of" least."...and needless to say it did a number on my head. I get it now...always wonder if dad ever figured out what was happening. I am definitely the textbook middle child
I believe there's always exceptions to every rule I follow the firstborn rule but I'm definitely the youngest child... But then again my second oldest sister and my brother the third oldest also follow the oldest child order... And I believe when we were very young children we were in order... However how our parents raised us we all became very much like a first born somehow... I'm very punctual detail-oriented... Very driven... A type personality... Not at all what some people see is a youngest child so... Although his book might be very good... After listening to this I feel that that doesn't apply to our family
My husband is a middle child one hundred percent the comedian 😂 im the youngest and im more the list maker dont like surprises all my ducks in a row we have a great balance
Too many parents have children for narcissistic reasons and covertly hold them in contempt. Look at the criminal cases we’ve had in the last 5 years. Parents murdering their children left and right. I can barely keep up with all of these cases.
True. my mother is a narcissist and my brother and I have the classic narcissitic family dynamics: He's the golden child (the younger one) and I am the scapegoat (first born daughter.) There are even YT videos on Narcissistic mothers who hate their daughters.
I am the middle child and second born. My older sibling is not the standard first born, because he felt that he was criticized by our parents. I leapfrogged over him and became the classic firstborn.
Our 5 sons all about 3 years apart. Well for 31 days each year. The oldest 2 are 3.5 years apart, the next two are 2 years 4 months apart, then the next two are 5 weeks short of three years apart, and the final two are 8 weeks short of three years apart. My husband is an only, and I am the oldest who was raised my first 7 years with an older foster brother. We just celebrated our 40th anniversary.
My birth order is hard because of my parents divorces and remarriages. Depending on the marriage, I am 3rd of 3, 4th of 6, 6th of 6, or 5th of 6. I married a 4th of 5 (parents married till death they did part) and we have been married for 34 years. He gives me the stability I never had as a kid. We are a lot alike in some ways and very different in some ways. We have an only child due to infertility.
I am the oldest daughter of two younger brothers and felt very protective of them. I am now married (having been widowed twice) to my third husband, all three the babies of their families. The first husband was quiet and a bit pouty (21 yrs together, two children).The second very bombastic, personality plus and 14 yrs my senior and totally devoted and loyal to me (I adored him; 35 wonderful yrs together). The third husband is controlling, manipulative and quick tempered (almost 7 yrs together), and .I’m about to throw in the towel. At 87 I do believe I deserve peace and harmony without turmoil and hostility. Obviously we are unequally yoked and I didn’t pay attention to the several red flags. Seeing them now, so I will make a hasty retreat soon! Not living my last good days with an angry temperamental old man! He does not deserve a good woman, and I’m sorry for him.
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I am a first born daughter who was raised under a father with a citical eye. My sister a middle child but a baby of the family, becos our brother is 8 years young than her, assumed the role of tge first born and has been treated as such by my parents. Ive always seen this but didn't know it was a thing or it was real! Its always hurt me. I hold it against my sister probably more than my father. What is the answer to this. And what am i now! Im the first born, but ive never been many of the things a first born should be. Im was Dr L said here. I chose to give up and run wild. At 55, with a last born husband, I do behave as a first born, in our marriage! So does the leap frogged eldest, take on another birth order role or personality. I hope you read this Cubby Bear! Ive been googling to find you speak more in-depth. Thanks for the insight!🇳🇿❤️🇺🇸
I have said to a co-worker before, "Of course I know how to get what I want, I'm a last-born." Although I don't get really stubborn unless I absolutely know I'm right.
Interesting that not one word was said about men hating wives questions. I am not sure if this was just an exaggeration or a joke but it’s very true for those who are raised in critical homes! As one man told me he was raised in a critical and condemning home and could end someone’s career with the swipe of a pen. I clearly saw these are the people who will be difficult to live and get along with. They don’t like questions! Male or female makes no difference. In my opinion a man who hates questions is fearful for some reason and that causes walking on eggshells if they can’t handle questions. One woman when asked a clarifying question turned around and asked, why are you persecuting me? My advice is everyone should take care not to marry these kind of people until they grow up or get help with this flaw/problem within themselves. I don’t think it’s fair to label all men as being this way either and I certainly hope it is not true! The woman in this comment was the man’s mother who I shared his feeling of power over other peoples lives that he worked with. I know how to weed these kind of people out of my life now, ask questions 😂
I agree with so many things said here. Of course there are differences in each family, but children looking to see where they fit in and adapting to their environments makes perfect sense.
I have no idea why you don't, but so wish you'd enable Closed Captioning! The camera kept roaming so I couldn't always see Dr. Leman's face when he talked, which would have assisted hearing. But without Closed Captioning - I was lost most of the time. A shame.
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I'm like 3 yrs apart from older sibling. There are 4 of us total. I've always felt like a tag along and one with no prominent opinion. To this day I don't take criticism well from some. I feel like a first born with last born tendencies ..
I’m the middle daughter of 3 daughters. My older sister married an oldest son. I married a middle child, and my younger sister is about a be engaged to a youngest child😅
Me and my husband are both the youngest in our families. He was 11 yrs younger than the brother above him, and I’m only 17 months younger than my brother lol
I would like at the traits you have and possess. Do you have leadership and a take charge mentality? Or do you feel incompetent, timid, not take seriously by family or others? I think you get the picture.
@@jenautumn214 For the purpose of birth order, I think it clumps everyone after the first and before the last as "middle" children. I do not think the miscarriages "count" in that sense since they never had a major influence in your life (other than knowing about them). Not that they weren't important, just that they weren't physically around.
@@jenautumn214 I'd say you're a middle child with older and younger siblings. I'm 4th born in a family of six children. I fit the middle child description as he explained.
This is just generalized information that could potentially help people understand each other’s perspective on how to live life practically speaking. It might not apply to all. I know for myself, I am only child and typically, not always, this position in the family order tends to be exactly like he said and for myself his theory is correct. I can better understand my husband since he does apply to the youngest in the order. This info is definitely helpful.
the youngest by my opion are the wildest and funnest outgoing and ready for adventure ...thats why you dont see much of them her. they are exploring the world .
Not agree. My sister is the oldest and she's not the perfect list maker ect. She's messy and don't care. I'm the middle child I want stuff to be perfect I'll make the list, make sure everything is doing write. My husband and I are both middle children and still so different
If you watched William and Kate, often they were videoed competing in something against each other, I found that odd. As you say Dr Leman, marriage is NOT a competitive sport. Thank you. Indeed, a healthy marriage is not.
@@lilysgram5886 yes, it's how they were raised which is not healthy at all. First-borns are no better or worse than any other people. And the sad thing is that they are not prepared to see their younger siblings do well. That was their parents' job to do to raise them as equals in value. Parents cater to culture that is of no help to first-borns. If parents can't love more than one child, only have one. Only-childs have exponentially a better chance than a first-born competing. For example Kate wasn't strong enough to carry that burden of being "better" than her siblings. But she had to be by hook or by crook.
