I don’t have schizo affective disorder. I have primary progressive multiple sclerosis. So I’ve gone from marathon running, to … barely walking. It’s been 13 years and I just said to me husband, “Wow… I’m really disabled.” And it’s crazy, but I absolutely struggle TO ADMIT MY LIMITATIONS and then you come on … thank you. I love and appreciate you my friend.
Blessings to you! I do have Schizo-Affective Disorder with a failing body. It makes me so upset that I cannot do the work I would like to around the house. I feel so useless.
Do you know about Dr Terry Wahls and her recovery from being almost bedridden by MS to running and biking. She’s written a book The Wahls Protocol. Best wishes.
@mind5403 Something Lauren says … just about it making Rob’s life more complicated hit home. It’s a fine line between admitting my limitations and NEVER LEAVING MY HOUSE lol.
@@TrueWalker88samesies! I entered into my relationship informing my now 4 year boyfriend that I have ptsd, severe social anxiety, adhd, and Tourette’s and all of the reasons for all of my problems and all of my ticks. He found it very helpful to know the ground rules of my makeup and I feel it has made it easier to navigate a relationship. He is one of those incredible individuals who has never experienced childhood trauma and grew up in a hallmark household, so learned how/ when to help me has been a rollercoaster. His own experience to feeling sad is to just NOT feel sad. He has had to learn that this isn’t a realistic outlook on most individuals.
My husband was my main support. Unlike my other relatives, he didn't bury his head in the sand and pretend everything was fine. Once he passed away, my adult son has become someone I can talk to about my scizoaffective disorder. The illness does limit me, it always has since I was a teen. But I find ways to enjoy life and find fulfillment.
Do not feel guilty as long u are doing something about your mental condition.. probably not an easy process but as long u recognised n working on it. I m sure with love n understanding from your family u will be well.
Lauren and Rob, I want you guys to know that you’ve change my life for the better by helping me to be honest with myself and to people around me, to come to terms with my capabilities. Just like how Lauren described, I too liked to carry on pretending I’m fully capable of doing everything. Maybe “liked to” is not the right word… I strongly wished I could all the things and had no problem with executive function, so I think I may have been trying to convince myself that I can fake it till I make it. That was just setting me up for failure and disappointment (both for myself and others,) further aggravating my sense of guilt and self loathing. It was a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to break, and I was causing chaos and confusion at work because of my trouble with executive function. I knew I was struggling, but I didn’t know how to communicate that with concise words. I knew I needed help, but I didn’t know how others could help me. Then I watched your video on ablism in higher education, and it really was a lightbulb moment in my life. It never occurred to me that there’s nothing wrong for me to ask for accommodations or different ways to work when I’m carrying multiple layers of difficulty. No, there should NOT be any shame in trying to find a solution for me and others who work with me to succeed together. Then I watched Lauren’s recent video about what she struggles with, and Lauren perfectly put into words what I’ve been struggling with all my life - how I have a great deal of difficulty in wrapping my head around abstract concepts, what’s exactly expected of me, etc. Lauren helped me identify my areas of difficulty and find the words to communicate to others so I can let them know the exact ways they can help. In the end of week report I fill out at work, there is an optional question of, “What are you having difficulty with and how can we help?” I’d always left this blank, because although I was struggling a great deal, I honestly didn’t know how they could help. But two weeks ago, I wrote down exactly what you guys helped me identify as my struggles and ways to help. My boss and teammates were incredibly supportive and understanding, and now my work life is a LOT… A LOT easier (probably for my teammates too) thanks to you, Lauren and Rob. I’m sorry for the ridiculously long comment, but I just want to say that your videos changed my life and is helping me be more compassionate to myself in my struggles with chronic mental illness. I wish you guys the very best. Thank you, Lauren and Rob.
First I don't consider it a ridiculously long comment. A comment like yours offers useful suggestions. They are talking about important subjects and making suggestions, but you are talking about important results of their suggestions. So thanks
This made me tear up. i feel this on a deep level. Thanks to you, Lauren and Rob, and to @eddvcr598. Lauren helped me when I was so out of it I couldn't remember basic self-care. Now I'm feeling a lot better, but still, have my limitations. It's okay for us to have limitations. We can do enough, we don't have to fake our whole lives to make a life for ourselves we can't actually live.
You are very beautiful so you have that part down. I will tell you this, I NEVER dislose that I have Schizoeffective disorder until a few months into the relationship. Make sure they know who YOU are and not your condition. The rest will fall into place once someone cares about you.
@@scottcupp8129 Well that sure is uplifting message to give a young woman seeking love. Sorry for your situation but there is a time and place......Maybe you know neither idk.
I am traveling this journey with my daughter. It is the most heartbreaking experience I have ever had. Your videos me hope that one day her illness will allow her to live a better life.
Gym. Get ur kid into something healthy. But keep it healthy. You gotta keep an eye on them I’m trying to get into steroids even though I don’t need them I can clearly see that the steroids are a problem, because I am taking my meds. The meds don’t work 100%, you need to be cool with your kid to keep them healthy
😢🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️🫂my grandson ...now almost 22 😢😢it's bad, really bad... Then it's good ..really good... I avoid calling authorities as I saw what they did to my daughter; (also mood disorder family heirlooms 😢) now 46 My mom 😢😢God rest her soul My grandson...🙏🏼I send you peace and understanding
You both are such brave and wonderful leaders. Thank you so much for sharing your tender, intelligent, and honest conversation. Your love and concern for one another is apparent. Self care always comes first in a healthy relationship. Understanding and communicating ones needs is the tricky part--especially under pressure or in uncharted territory. The dialogue you have shared is powerful and far reaching. Thank you again.
When an intimate partner is faced with the challenges of a loved one's illness, whether mental or physical, it can occasionally give rise to feelings of resentment. Kudos to both of you for openly discussing your experiences.
Since my diagnosis I have not found anyone that relates to my daily life and the struggles it entails so identical to mine as you. Through personal experience and research i have found the only common factor in helping people with schizoaffective disorder is to have someone that actively engages in their life consistently. Without your partner do you think you would be where you are now? I know we're supposed to actively seek out relationships in our life so we can have people to go to in our times of struggle/psychosis. That in itself is not easy and i would like to hear more about ways to cope with our symptoms when you dont have a partner. Besides counselors/therapy, self help tactics that are effective. Thank you for making me feel not so alone. Your videos have literally saved my life
I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear this discussion between you two. You guys are absolute goals. I know it doesn't feel that way and that you absolutely have super hard times like anybody else with profound mental illness. I want you to know this means a lot to those of us who suffer along with you, whether or not they have delusional disorders or otherwise. I'm sure you feel very vulnerable posting stuff like this, but we appreciate that you do. Thank you so much.
I've talked to my wife hundreds of times over 15 years together. She knew how I am, saw me at my worst before marriage. She ridicules me, tells me I'm weak or whiny, calls me names. It's nice to come here to see two adults talking productively. Thanks for always demonstrating hope
I celebrated 11 years of marriage to my husband. I met him in 1992, and been friends the last 31 years. I had a different diagnosis in the beginning(and a few more before the current one). Over the decades, he supported me through hospitalizations, my short time in jail due to underlying psychosis and the fallout from that time which still affects us today. Our relationship was never equal, but we took care of each other. He has his own issues and I am with him as he meets them to the best of his ability. I recently had a mini stroke, and was away for 6 weeks. He wished strongly we could do our vacation(I didn't believe it would be soon), and we did!!! He loved me and my family hoped we would be happy together. Sometimes we don't like each other at times, or wish the other was like themselves, but I think that's anyone in a marriage or long relationship. Your vulnerability and honesty is exactly how our life is. I am his, and he is mine, till death do us part!!!
As an RN and an older person, I will say that at some point, most relationships go through chronic health struggles from one partner or the other. It's great that you are developing the language to voice what you both need. Rob seems like a great, supportive partner. Keep working at it - it's a lifelong journey. You seem like a lovely couple.
I've been married twice, widowed twice, and I know for a fact that marriage is a sacred, life-long commitment that takes a whole lot of work! Communication is definitely key, but I don't think you 'catfished' Rob. It takes two to tango and he knew what he was doing when he asked you to be his wife and life partner. No marriage is perfect, believe me. This is where the heavy lifting comes in, ESPECIALLY when kiddos are involved. Being straight forward honest, being willing to share ALL the deep secrets, and loving one another in spite of the past. Doing your best to stay healthy, stay focused as a family, and staying active in this relationship is what's going to get you both through life as not just partners, but parents and grandparents someday. You two have been through some tough times already, but here you are having a very open, and public, conversation about your relationship and that's KEY! Just keep talking, supporting and loving each other. God bless!
Hearing Rob’s discussion of resentment felt incredibly validating. I was a sole carer for my father at the end of his life, and the resentment that I felt as a carer absolutely gutted me after he died. I loved him and loved looking after him, but it wasn’t easy, and it did negatively impact my own mental health. This channel gives me so much, both as a neurodivergent person, and as just a human living a human life. Thank you both for your vulnerability.
Please please please do a series on this!!! This is definitely in my top 3 to 5 favourite videos if not my favourite!!! I love you guys so much and I support you and your family so much for everything that you do.!!! No one does it better thank you so much for your transparency and working through the hard things to teach all of us. God bless you Rob and Babies❤️❤️❤️
I don’t have schizophrenia or sza but I still find your channel really helpful. I also joined the general discord and the community has been very helpful. It’s just full of really kind, and caring people who have really been very welcoming and supportive. I’ve developed connections with several people who all have helped me in different ways. It’s helped me understand more about other mental illnesses and the stories of everyone i can. It’s the only place I’ve had where i feel comfortable sharing how i actually feel.
Thank you for posting. I have a chronic autoimmune disease/disability and CPTSD among other mental health diagnoses, and I have this core belief that I’m unloveable, or it would be unfair for someone to love me because of the needs I have and things I can’t compromise on. I know it’s a cognitive distortion but that doesn’t make it feel less true sometimes. Seeing the love and support you and Rob have for each other gives me hope that I might have something like that someday.
My husband was diagnosed with Schizoaffective about a year ago and your channel has given us both so much insight and hope. I love love love the way you articulate your feels! It can be so messy sometimes, and I can watch one of your videos and say "oooohh, ok," I understand! Now I can be helpful. I cherish the role reversal, as you articulate similar feelings that my husband has, but in ways that I understand. My husband prefers to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself until they slip out. I love what you said about balancing intimacy and chronic mental health disorders because staying out of co-dependancy but still being supportive is like... A very thin yet winding line. It was the toughest when his paranoia and delusions made him think I was leaving him and looking for a replacement spouse and I just constantly reminded him who he was, who I was, what our goals are, and sometimes I just have to roll with it like, "I know what's going on in your head, but we're not giving that any power today. Look at me. We're together today. I love you today. We're staying in the Now." I also know if I need to fall apart, he's always there for me and appreciates the opportunity to be supportive.
You are a good person. I wish my wife was 1/100th as supportive and understanding as you are. I get ridicule, name-calling, and verbal hostility from my spouse. On top of my illness. Please keep being good, this world really, really, really needs it
Thank you for bringing this subject to light. I am a caregiver for my husband and son . My brother has schizoaffective . He does very well but this channel has given me an outlet and is very helpful. It does get overwhelming sometimes as a caregiver and it hard to balance personal space and care . ❤
We are grateful that you are doing better, Rob is a nice guy regardless of whether you have a mental disease or not. He seems really patient, and caring.
I am struggling with depression, alcoholism, ADHD and social anxiety. But videos like this are helpful in getting a handle of it all. I'm glad there are communities like this for those of us that need proper and experienced views on dealing with these type of issues. Thanks for the videos.
Thank you so much for this!!!! I'm the caregiver( my son has a chronic mental illness) and I got very very close to burning out some time ago.This conversation really helped me realize what I've been doing" wrong" and I'm sure it will help me " better" myself and being able to deal with the situation in a better way.Thank you❤
As someone with mental illness once my son was an adult I made him go with me to meet my therapist. I wanted to he to understand I really was sick and I was really doing all I could do And had been for years. Then I told him he needed to go to therapy so he could understand me and how to deal/work with me. I even offered to pay for it. Bottom line sometimes the caregiver needs loving care too.
This is such a important conversation. My partner deals with chronic depression and I totally relate to the messy balance of prioritizing her needs over mine, or feeling really guilty when I articulate an annoyance of her behavior sometimes because even though it's generally a symptom of her illness and she can't control it fully, it can still have an impact on me. That line of knowing when to communicate that and when it's just me being grumpy and maybe best to keep to myself is tricky. Love your videos!
hopefully you two can find some sort of shorthand code so Rob knows it's caregiver time, without having to have a long conversation in any given moment 🖤🖤🖤
My son is diagnosed over 1 year now, and doesn’t socialize with anyone including his family at home. Your a inspiration and helping me believe there is hope.
Lauren, you a frickin superhero and a legend IMO for what you do for this community. Don't beat yourself down by feeling like a burden or a fraud. You are great. Thanks for all you do and stay well.
i love this so much :D i just wanted to add. lets not forget also the person without the mental illness can feel their limitations, it can be anything from not knowing how to help the kids or how to use a tool. to fixing something in the house. and they can just feel as bad about themselfs. no one is perfect. and thats a good thing :)
I love you two. I don't have a mental illness but I went from being absolutely healthy to having Covid to having heart failure and all the disabilities that brings on. My husband is an amputee so he is also disabled. We may not all have the same struggles but many of us do have struggles and your videos help us face them head on. ❤
I think having difficulty with “perspective” about life and things in the relationship is part of the illness. Communicating about the “real” shows love for self and your partner and exemplifies a healthy emotional space.🌻
This is a super hard conversation. One that a lot of people never want to say out loud let alone in the internet for anyone and everyone to comment. Very very brave. I hope they continue to be honest and respect one another’s true needs and do the best they can for themselves first and one another.
Thanks for acknowledging the caregiver side of this condition, which can be lonely and emotionally and mentally draining. after going through this for years with my husband. I wish I had decided on more self care for myself, but I was busy working and raising my family. Anyone who is a caregiver should take time periodically for themselves to try and rejuvenate a bit, so that you remain strong as a couple. At this point in our lives, I would consider my husband and myself good friends.
Ive been struggling this yr a lot bc of how bad my bfs bipolar symptoms have been. He doesnt sleep at night, he spends all his money, he goes from being nasty to sobbing from remorse, the moods have been out of control. He couldnt afford therapy bc of having bad health insurance, but i had enough so i sent him myself bc of how badly he needs it and possibly to try to adjust his meds again. We've been together 10 yrs and he wasnt bipolar when we first started dating, he was diagnosed at 27 yrs old 5 yrs into the relationship. Ive seen all the trauma that happened to him that led up to this point. Some of it even has traumatized me as well. I love him so deeply, but it really is the most exhausting thing a caregiver to their functioning spouse can deal with. This video couldnt have come at a more relatable time for me.
This is a frustrating spot to be in. Make sure you get therapy and self care time for you! Being in the space between med changes can be rough, but once the balance is found, things will smooth out. Show love, support, and patience for your partner and for self!🩵
@@texasgoddess323 i appreciate that feedback. I have been going to therapy myself ever since his diagnosis bc i had no clue what to do at that point. Best decision i ever made bc its the only time that can be just about myself and no one else.
@@BeingBetter i dont think anyone with any type of illness should feel like a burden as long as they really are doing everything they can to be their best self. Believe me, sometimes i dont even wanna put the work in bc of how exhausting life is. But doing the work not wanting to suffer every day is always noticed.
Lauren, the way you talk to/about yourself is not your fault, but it’s heartbreaking to listen to. It reminds me of how I used to talk about myself when in psychologically unhealthy relationships where I blamed myself for everything. I hope you’re able to arrive at a place of empowerment where you can release guilt and shame that doesn’t belong to you.
You're so correct; communication is so important. You're also right that you did the best you could at the times you were talking about. As you grow closer, you learn more about the dynamics and make needed adjustments together. My partner and I, in a much simpler example, realized that when either of us didn't sleep well, we need to give that person a wide berth that day. We don't come to them for things that take energy out of them, or discuss complex topics or plan making. It's the kind of thing you learn with experience. And you adjust with love. ❤
This makes me think of some of the topics discussed on the Squirmy and Grubs channel, they talk about equality in their relationship despite navigating whats perceived as physical and medical setbacks
I really admire Rob and see him as a good role model to myself. Mental illness surrounded my family as I was growing up and continues to surround my family as an adult with a fairly large family of my own. His compassion, listening skills, patience, boundaries, and humor are all something I find immense value in. These are traits that I strive for but I'm not quite as good at as Rob. So Rob, thank you for being there for Lauren and being a good example for me to follow.
💯🎯 Absolutely navigating our capacities and managing to find the right balance are considerations we all face in our lives, especially when living with illness and caregiving. Thank you 💐🎉💐🎉 Lauren and Rob for sharing with such vulnerability and honesty the real challenges. It's no understatement to say this 'Living With Schizophrenia' Channel is contributing to Changing the World 🌎 for the betterment of many and your efforts are 🌟💚😊💚🌟 Greatly Appreciated.
I'm 61 and had no idea I had mental struggles when i married 36 years ago. My husband has been wonderfully supportive while not really being able to understand my struggles. We have adult children who have/are struggling as well. I thank you for this video in helping me to see that I don't have to always be apologizing for and trying to make up for who I am. My hubby would never expect that from me so I shouldn't expect it from myself. You're in a good place in relationship together and best wishes for your continued progress and joy in the journey!
In my experience it is very helpful to have a fixed schedule for the needs of the support person (f. e. "1 h of running after work every day, meet with friends " or whatever that person needs). That way the support person has the chance to stay healthy and at capacity. It is important to treat this like a doctors appointment, not cancelling it without important cause. It also needs to be respected from the person who receives support. Without the schedule it is very unlikely to make it work long term.
It seems like you're being too hard on yourself. We all present a more acceptable persona in the beginning and have to learn who the person really is over time and experience. But it's great to communicate like this for sure! Thanks for your channel.
I think that everyone presents as more healthy than they actually are at the beginning of a relationship. It's a natural thing...nothing wrong with it, it's just how it is. Good to be aware of, though! Anyway, this is just a small thought about a profound video. Thank you so much for putting your experience out here, you are a hero.
It's wonderful to see two people so much in love. Lauren, don't take the guilt train. In my experience, it's not helpful. As you said, consistent communication is the key, where each person can express their needs. To paraphrase Mick Jagger, you might not always get what you want, but you might just find you get what you need. Checking in each day with your partner is very helpful. Regarding limitations, we see people with serious disabilities doing incredible things. They say there's no such thing as a hill to high, just a hill that was climbed too fast. Love to you and Rob. You guys are awesome.
I have been exploring my own identity and mental health more deeply in the past few months. I have been realising more and more that throughout my life I have masked a LOT by being 'high functioning' and I am starting to struggle more and more with the masking, but it also makes me feel like a burden or that I might have hidden the 'real me' somehow. And I am also peri-menopausal now, which has changed my sexual responsiveness too. So this conversation has really resonated with me. I need to move past the feeling of 'shame' and to find a more constructive and collaborative way of dealing with it all....
I haven’t watched this video yet but I wanted to tell you thank you for what you do. In my 20 years and 13 hospitalizations. I have learned more about my condition than all the therapy and groups I’ve had combined. My mom has learned a lot too. I would say more but an episode is just starting for me a few hours ago… I can’t really think straight but just wanted to say thank you❤.
As an autistic person, this topic is the main reason I haven't been able to commit to a relationship, despite developing feelings of attraction and attachment towards many people during the years after my last breakup. My last partner left me shortly after I announced my diagnosis to her, surprising even our mutual friends. I've been feeling like a burden on everyone I hold dear ever since.
She was clearly not the person who’d fallen in love with, and that’s awful. Someone with a punderful name like yours should never be treated that way lol. I’m autistic too. My longest relationship was with another autistic person.
I have OCD and I have these feelings of guilt sometimes, too, when my overthinking and intrusive thoughts invade what feels like should be "normal" situations with my partner. Being met with compassion as well as their honestly about how it affects them is a gift, because they care enough to talk about it.
Rob is wonderful and so are you. You will be feeling better soon as your mood etc. stabilizes. Right now your depression is clouding your view of yourself and situation. It’s hard and challenging. This too will pass. Thank you both for your caring ways. Feel better soon❤
Being a caregiver should happen naturally, unrestricted and with unconditional love. Part of being a caregiver is understanding that things may not always go as planned. Be prepared to embrace spontaneity with kindness and grace.
Thank you both for talking about this. I am struggling with the balance of being a caregiver and romantic partner to someone who is mentally ill. It is comforting to know I am not alone in it.
I appreciate how articulate you are. For anyone with any chronic illness, it's a challenge to balance optimism about capacity instead of throwing in the towel also while accepting the reality of the challenges to capacity. There are two levels of how capacity is limited: Primary limitation is the impact of function in life. Secondary level is sort of the snowball effect of how things pile up or back up in life because of being out of commission in the first place.
I listened, sometimes nodding with understanding, sometimes smiling as I recognize emotional steps I have taken on my own journey. I think the last words you said to Rob, sorry and thank you, are the very kernel of your new understanding. And it's just growing up, we all have to. You are very beautiful and you two communicate very well. With love to you both.❤
I am talking from a perspective of not really knowing what happens behind the curtain so please keep that In mind - I feel that something is off in the relationship however I am not entirely true that it s about the illness itself, more that because you both work TOGETHER and ABOUT the illness it makes it kind of a forever subject that can be more tiring that having to deal with it as a spouse who can get out and doesn’t see you for sometime - which is something everyone needs I feel that the fact that you both work together and on something that is all about what YOU feel can be very burdening for him, it s too many roles for one person to have and it creates to much proximity (some stuff are not to be shared between spouses in my opinion, not talking like suffering etc but not all the time or else) I think again it s not about the illness but about your dynamic of life etc
Thank you for this video. I have been having similar thoughts lately and didn't know how to articulate them and this was so helpful to see you navigate. I'm autistic, ADHD and I have PTSD plus my husband is a disabled veteran with PTSD. I think this is something we both struggle with and even though we have conversations about support needs we hardly talk about the caregiver aspect that we both play so much. I think maybe most of our discussions lately have been coming from this place of lack and watching this video reminded me of how we both are coming from a place of support in so many ways. You guys are wonderful. Thank you for all that you do.
Thank you for including us, the audience, in with this difficult and heavy conversation about communication. Lauren, I like catfish, but I don't think you catfished Rob lol. You two are 100% capable of communicating and living well together, and it gives me more confidence that I too will someday may find someone to sit down and have these conversations with!
It seems to me that the issues you've been talking about are more universal than we might perceive. Of course, being in a close relationship is more challenged when there is significant illness and/or disability, and when these challenges are prominent we need to deal with them as priorities, but in a very real way I think that we have to face such challenges in almost every intimate relationship. I also feel that your desire to communicate more openly and directly about the demands of these situations is at the very core of ensuring a sustainable way of maintaining the health in that relationship. You have my admiration for acknowledging the importance of facing the issue directly and openly. I hope that it gives you both an increased confidence that you will be able to help each other to the fullest extent. Thanks for this video. it is tremendously inspirational.
Everybody has differences that need to be accommodated for in a relationship, you are being super hard on yourself. Remember that you are amazing and despite struggling with your illness you are an awesome partner and a cool person in general! You deserve everything you have, and you didn't catfish anyone lol
The hardest thing for me was accepting the fact that I have schizophrenia, and that the thoughts and paranoia I experienced weren't 100% based on reality. These videos from you guys and others that I have researched have helped me come to terms with it. Communication is a weak point for me, but it is something that I am going to have to work on. I hope to have a relationship as solid and enduring as yours seems to be some day. Thank you for making these videos.
I have been in healthcare over 30 years, retired now. I like your informative videos and recognize what you are saying. Hope things work out better for the both of you. You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing.
I have watched this channel for awhile and have gotten so much from it. I’m not sure why I am feeling this but I just feel really badly for Rob right now.
This right here is why support groups exist, so that couples and partners can find a safe space to open exactly that kind of discourse, and keep it running. Doing so from the intimacy of the bedroom or living room is extra hard, as it is for any sensitive subject.
i wish this was a conversation that could've been had with me. I was recently broken up with by someone who i'd been with 2 and a half years and i'd never foreseen the end. We both struggle with mental illness, and during the conversation where our relationship ended, there was so. much. shit. We were imperfect humans in a relationship and i'd genuinely thought we were managing the best we could with what we had access to during the time. When Rob said "it feels like we're in this together" it kind of broke me because that was the exact feeling i've always had. i dont know when i'll be able to open up like that to someone ever again :(
It’s hard to be completely honest with others, before we reach a point of being honest with ourselves. Authentic connection follows naturally from self acceptance. I think many - if not all of us - struggle with authenticity, to some extent. The current cultural pressure demands a cheerful, pastel perfection… and though we preach “self-acceptance“ at every turn, many of us treat our raw, messy humanity as a flaw - and seek to edit it out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. What you describe is human. It’s part of a human journey. Diagnosis or not, you can’t give your partner what you haven’t learned to give yourself. That’s true for all of us. ❤
Thank you for talking about this very important, yet often hidden topic. I've been having trouble with another aspect in a partner relationship with a (partly) caregiver dynamic - sex. I have been struggling with mental health issues (trauma, anxiety, issues with self image and confidence etc) for a few years now, while also trying to navigate being in a relationship with a wonderful caring person. It's been complex for multiple reasons, one of them being something similar like the caregiver dynamic you describe. I've been leaning on my partner for support a lot, to the point where the dynamic is sometimes quite unequal, and the seemingly small situations and sometimes lack of communication in the moment and certain resentment building up etc - it's familiar to me. Parallel to this we've been struggling with physical intimacy and sex. I have a feeling that this could be at least partly related to the fact that the caregiving dynamic somehow dissolves the physical attraction - it's such a different mindset and a different way to relate to each other and somewhere there physical intimacy and sex specifically just gets lost. It's almost like you start to see the person as a caregiver and less as a (sexual) partner. Especially it's me, the person being taken care of, who has this problem - my partner from the caregiver position doesn't feel this issue as much. I know it's a very personal topic so I completely understand if you (Lauren and Rob) wouldn't like to comment, but if anyone in the comment section has any similar or perhaps completely opposite experiences, it would be great to hear from you.
nothing is equal. it’s give and take. you couldn’t be a fortune teller. anything can happen, good or bad god forbid. and it changes daily. you’re wanting to strive for perfection, and as you age you say wait, maybe i can’t achieve that. maybe i’ll have ups and downs, but you can’t feel like you misrepresented yourself. a situation may suddenly cause you to feel insecure, at that moment he can either understand it or pout about it. he has to separate out from his want and realize the overarching concept is helping you to remain in a good place. which really is more important in this scheme of things. better for all, better for the children, better for day to day life. it often happens in relationships especially in aging. one person may be the caretaker. it can switch. that’s what the marriage vows are about. it’s not static. your problem is everyone’s problem who is in a relationship. the specifics differ but it’s the same problem.
I’m so glad you said this as I wanted to say the same thing. There is no such thing as equality in relationships. Sometimes one person gives more and another gives less. It’s a reality of life. The question really becomes, is there value in what I’m giving? Not , is it equally valuable? Sometimes our best has to be enough.
I think one thing that might be missed in this conversation is that for the person with the challenge, they are able to work on their journey of self-acceptance BECAUSE the caregiving person(s) are helping to carry thier portion of the daily load. The caregiver in some ways will need to work more on the daily stuff and end up feeling second in the successes of the person with the challenges. This I feel can be a big cause for resentment. When there is successes for the challenged, they get the glory, yet when there is failure, the caregiver is there bearing the brunt of that failure. This said, I enjoy your honesty and openess of your video's. They are helping us work with our daughter and her journey. Thank you and keep posting.
I also have schizoaffective disorder, and luckily I have found a very loving, supportive partner as well. These men truly are saints. I appreciate my partner everyday. Im so happy you have a supportive husband.
I have so much love and appreciation for the vulnerability and honestly that you share and also for Robs perspective. It has changed the way I look at relationships.
The best way for me to find peace and calm and serenity in any situation «12 STEPS» from alcoholics anonymous (not only for alcoholics in my opinion but for everybody with great challenges and suffering). 😘 Love, Dolores from Montreal
I have a GAD and social anxiety, and while I Guess it's nowhere near as challenging as schizoaffective, I still needed to hear your conversation with Rob. Need to clarify things with my partner too ♥️
I have had this exact problem from the other end. I am also mentally disabled, but my past partner was diagnosed with bipolar and he outright refuses to admit that it limits his abilities as a person. You said word for word something hes said to me near the beginning. It was chilling. You are right, it is very ableist to deny yourself the reality of how your disability impacts you. It's internally toxic and it is frustrating for a partner to try to help care for you in those times where the symptoms are showing but maybe you don't want to listen. Especially with an issue like bipolar where direct peer support to let you know when you are going into mania is so crucial, particularly when you are still developing your own awareness. It did drive apart our relationship unfortunately. I did try, but my ex is quite a bit worse than you describe yourself to have been. So, if that offers you any comfort, take it. No matter what, you have been doing the work. And even if that doesn't feel like much in the shadow of all you have left to do, then just know that no matter what, as long as you keep at it one day at a time, you'll always be better than my ex, lol. Where i draw a line in my relationships when it comes to this particular issue is when my partner stops (or refuses to start) doing the work to educate themselves and understand themselves with their disability. Particularly when that refusal, that internalized abelism, begins to express outwardly onto others. For example, my ex would refuse to admit he was making bad financial choices due to his mania, and then we would be in a bad place financially as a consequence. He would refuse any and all help to get him to be aware of how his actions were being influenced. And then when i would have depression or PTSD issues, he would tell me that i was letting my issues define me by talking about them and the symptoms i experience. That by taking the time to be aware of the fact that i couldn't show up as myself due to my disabilities, i was essentially limiting myself to my disabilities and that instead, what i should be doing is trying harder and not letting it hold me back. It's one thing entirely to have that sort of toxic abelism towards yourself when you are still struggling to accept the reality of your new diagnosis, but its a whole other ball game when you start projecting that onto others. In that situation, the only thing the person can do is protect themselves by cutting contact. It's so so so dangerous to be projecting toxicity like that onto other people. Especially since you never truly know what others are going through, or where they are on their journey. I was lucky enough that i have had a lot of valuable guidance growing up and i have done a lot of research and internal work with my disabilities and the reality of how they impact the lives of myself and others. So when i received this treatment, although it did confuse me and put me in a bad place mentally for a while. I was eventually able to validate myself and my reality over his opinion. I came to terms with the fact that the relationship with him was worsening my health and there was nothing more i could do other than to let go, because his toxic abelist viewpoints were not, in the end, my responsibility if my health was going to be at stake. I'm grateful for that inner strength of mine and I've gained a lot of self respect in the process of making that decision and my own resolve. I can only hope that if anyone reading this is going through something similar, that they will have the power and awareness within themselves to be able to determine if continuing in that environment is going to be detrimental to their healing journey, and make the move to distance themselves if it is.
Everyone is weird in their own way. If I were you, I’d see a psychiatrist. But be weary of medication. I gained 100 pounds in 1 year of taking meds. Medicine has serious side effects. Psychiatrists can be an ally and help you by writing letters and stuff
i hope nothing but the best for the two of you in your marriage. i want you to know you are not a burden lauren; when you love someone, there are things that we all have to put extra work and strength into. communication is so important, and i want you both t o one day learn to stand up for yourselves and your well deserved needs. i hope something came of this for you both.
I recognise some of the issues you talk about. My stepson developed paranoid schizophrenia starting about 17-19 years of age. My wife (we married when my stepson was 5) does at times feel guilty that she "saddled" me with this burden. However, I married her and all comes with it (she has struggled herself for years with depression and anxiety) and don't feel she should apologise or feel guilty. We have over the years established a relationship that enables me to take some "me time", usually through cycling. Thus I think we have the balance about right. It became a little more complicated when my older son produced a lovely granddaughter for us. Scheduling time for us as a couple and individually needed some thought but it can work out. If you are committed to each other all hurdles can be overcome with a little effort and consideration of both each other and oneself. Great video, thanks for sharing.
