I Hate Being Transgender 

This has nothing to do with being transgender in general. These are just my own personal feelings that I felt I needed to share. Love you, guys ❤

All i can tell you is that when i see you i only see a girl called mathilda. You have such a beautiful spirit. Now your making me cry 🦋❤

Ok.. your opening statement made me cry. Only you can know your feelings. Transgender is something no one can understand unless they are in that situation. I don’t and never pretend to know how you feel or what you are going through. All i can say is I support you and everyone dealing with that.

my heart hurts for you girl, I hear the pain in your voice and I really feel for you! just know you have much love girl you are an amazing woman please don't forget it!

As a 60 year old transgender woman I completely understand. Even though I’ve getting my surgeries and my face is now more feminine I still struggle with disphoria. It’s a lifetime warranty. I avoid mirrors a lot. Still working on my voice. Crying helps.

The first step to feeling better is to talk about it, you're already there Mathilda. Be with your loved ones and talk to them, let it out. Much love 💜

I noticed that Mathilda and other transgender creators choose to interact with people who are either not supportive or straight-up haters with the purpose of exposing their bad ideas, but by doing that, they are subjecting themselves to a lot of negativity that can affect their mental well being. Take a break from that kind of content, people who like you won't leave your channel. Sometimes I give a thumb up to a video that I don't even watch because I know that it would make me feel bad even though I'm not a member of the LGBTQ community. 💛

As a trans woman I completely understand how hard it is. I hate that life has to be hard for us but we will all get through this together!

I'm glad that you are who you are. You inspired me to accept myself and come out almost 2 years ago. Coming out saved my life. Thank you ❤

Most people use the "youre so beautiful" crap all the time. But I clicked on your video because you were SO beautiful and passable. All I see, even as you talk about it on camera, all I see is a girl. You're litterally where i WISH i was and you make me think, I should have transitioned earlier before I got so manly. I hope you can find some coping because you honestly look and sound amazing

Nobody WANTS to be trans.. I hate it too. I think you are one of the most beautiful women ever. I'm SO insanely jealous of how incredibly feminine you are and living my dream. If I could afford srs in my lifetime, I'd hit the gym,or the lake but I feel so crippled. It hits us all differently, but yeah girl, I'd trade you lives . Feel better, we'll get through it somehow

Same, i hate it. Best i can be is an emulation, a synthetic version of the real. Beats being a guy but it's still a mind bending experience. Wish i wasn't trans. Happy to have transitioned, would've done it all again but dammit is the cost high on a person.

It takes a lot of bravery to make such videos and say what's on your mind. Mathilda, thank you for showing that it's okay to recognize you're dealing with hardships.

“When life gives us lemons we make lemonade” so don’t ever look at something as a problem, it’s just a set up for a higher calling. Great video and Keep up the good work!

Trust me love bug, all of us trans girls know exactly what this feeling is you’re having… I’m actually going thru this feeling right now but this too shall pass… keep pushing sis you’re beautiful ❤️💋

I'm sorry you feel this way Mathilda I hope you get happy again. We all want you to feel better again.

You are beautiful ❤️ and love you 💗 it's okay not to be okay. I and all who follow you (hope it's ok to speak for them ) will always support you and love you and be here for you ..

Masculine features? Are you kidding? First thing; stop looking in the mirror all the time. Women are forever worried about their looks. You look like Kate Winslet, for crying out loud.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Always remember you ARE a woman and try to lean on the ones who love you. I hope you break out of this bad patch. Lots of love.

This is exactly what I go through. Gender Dysphoria sucks so hard. Well said, and hang in there, you got this :)

Hi Mathilda, I first watched your video with Chloe from the Chloe connection this week. I can understand what you've stated and how you feel. All I can say is it is evident you are truly a beautiful person inside and out. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to be kind and gentle to yourself. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Many Hugs!!! Christie

My body dysmorphia has been really bad lately :/ and while it’s not the same it can be really debilitating in how I see myself especially when I’m wearing something that makes me feel dysmorphic. Mathilda you are absolutely gorgeous but sometimes it’s harder to believe than others but just try to reflect on how you feel when you feel good ♥️😌 and it’s ok to have your lows, without them there are no highs. Love you

Wow, that advise with butterfly effect is so helpful, thanks!! I’m dealing with the same s**t and you give me so much confidence at the beggining of my transition! 💛

I can see why this was such a hard video to make. I felt it deep down even though I’ve been able to even out my own dysphoria since coming to terms with my trans identity. I hoped it would go away, but I can see that there will be days that are harder than others. All the love in the world!

I still love this channel. Thanks Mathilda for making my days better

I’m just starting my transition . I hate looking in the mirror and see a man staining back at me . The woman’s inside is screaming to come out and it’s finally going to happen this is so incredibly difficult to do but in the end I’m going to finally be free to be the woman I’ve always been .

major respect that you were able to tell your emotians i havent watched full vid yet but hope all thats difficult gets better

I transitioned 25 years ago and still struggle with the same issues as you bring up. Thank you for talking about this. Big hugs

Thank you for educating me! You are beautiful inside and outside. Thank you so much!

I really hope you have a support group. That is soooo important and if you don't please create one - even here on YT or start one via Zoom or something. I've gone through most if not all of this. And there is really no reason to have the adjective in front of who you are.... A woman...... You are the one who places it there.

As a behavioral specialist, generally when people start sentences with disclaimers that they are not "trying to be to dramatic" or "too emotional" ....they are in fact covering that they explicitly plan to do just that.

to me a transgender woman is one of the strongests person of the world always fighting from the inside but the final product is the most beautiful person one can be. the love yourself thing hit me hard because there are times i do not love myself and it is hard to see what can be. thank you for being who you are i appreciate it.

We love you Mathilda. I watched one video and immediately subbed. You are beautiful and lovely and smart and funny and you are so important. and i hope you start seeing yourself that way soon. You're stronger than you know.

In all of your videos, I see and hear a beautiful, strong, kind & incredibly brave woman. Sometimes, though, old wounds hurt and the mental wounds are always the worst.

Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so lonely when the disphoria hits. Those times when you look in the mirror, and hate what you see. I try hard not to look in the mirror too often, and when I do, to not concentrate on the features I know will distress me. I focus on my hair, on my eyes. When I'm shaving, at look just where the blades are, not the whole of my face. You and Samantha Lux are my rocks. You are both so wonderful. You brighten my day. So again, thank you for being in this viewer's life. You make the world a better place by bringing your wit, your grace, and your brilliance into it. 💝

This video that you bravely and vulnerably did for us, is about compassion towards self and others. Thank you

Youre a strong woman !!!!!!!!! 🥺😭❤️ and you‘ve such a big heart, love u and always here for you 💔

I will always listen when you need to talk, like in this video. And I appreciate your advice a lot because I know what it's like to notice something masculine about yourself when you don't see yourself in it. For me, it's like being hit in the face with a funhouse-mirror.

Thank you, going through a hard time and your videos help me so much

I love you for sharing this because I go through it too and it’s so hard to explain or understand unless you’re in our shoes. Thank you 🙏🏼❤️

Well, I think that you are a beautiful and sensitive girl. I'm 67 years old, so I grew up in a time and place where you would have been picked on mercilessly; I would have picked on you too, in order to hide my own insecurities about my masculinity. I was wrong to be that way and everyone else who picked on less masculine boys would have been wrong too. We had no concept of being "trans" at the time. With age comes a bit more thoughtfulness and I am now able to be compassionate about trying not to hurt someone else's feelings and about actually seeing that a person can be a girl in their own minds and in their own souls, but have been born with male genitalia. I'm sorry for the way I was and the way that I behaved. In fact, I had some very feminine thoughts, mental and emotional characteristics as a young boy which I hid from everyone. There is a lot that I don't like about the world in which we live today, but the one thing that has changed exponentially for the better is that we, as a society, have learned to not just tolerate each other's difference, but to accept and celebrate those differences. In summary, I only see you as a girl and I hope that brings you some peace of mind and that it may in some small way assuage the pain and suffering of your gender dysphoria. Peace and love be with you for the rest of you days and all those who suffer in silence.

Your videos have always inspired me and helped me find who I am. Keep being your wonderful self ❤️

I’m actually happy you recorded again this vid because the other got too emocional, because I’m almost crying with this one. Thanks for existing Mathilda. Your channel helps me a lot. :,)

I really just want to give you a big hug. I hope you're doing better now. You have been a huge inspiration to me with your videos and I thank you for all you do for the community.

How nice of you to share! It pushed me a little bit towards to be more understanding when it comes to gender dysphoria. I don’t think I could ever get it as a cis girl but it sound a lot like when you goes through a hard depression. like it’s doesn’t matter what you look like in the mirror cause all you can see is the imaginary demon version of yourself. Take care!

Girl you can make it. You're beautiful inside, and out!! I understand.... I'm an older transgerder female. I look in the mirror, and ask the same thing... it's ok to be emotional..... I cry a lot. I wish I was born a biological female 😪. We have to cheer up, and continue onward, and upward. 💘

" What affects me is my own feelings"

I can't express all my feelings with normal words but I'll just say that we all support you and I personally hope you are doing okay Mathilda, we luv you 💕💕

Stay strong! I too suffer from this, you’re beautiful regardless. Keep slayin 🥰

I totally understand you 100%. Like myself I say to myself why wasn't I born a cis woman, instead of trans. I had to ask and answer my own questions. It wasn't easy to answer the questions, I would cry and feel nobody truly understands me. Until I talk about this with friends they kinda knew. The bad thing about Dysphoria it will never truly go away but like you said believe and love yourself you can deal with it a little better

Dear Mathilda, I think you are a wonderful person, inside and out! The butterfly effect is such a good advice to everyone! 🦋 I hope you find more ways to love the reflection you see in the mirror. And I don't mean surgeries or beauty treatments. Much love to you 💖

You seem like a very strong person. And you are beautiful. :) "Enjoy" your bad times. They also make you who you are. I know.

No one would think you were trans so pretty.

OMG girl, hang in there! The struggle is real and I know the experience all too well. Stay strong warrior, you got this.

Thank you for this video. It’s so helpful to hear someone talk about these feelings.As you said it’s hard for people on the out side to understand. They see someone looks and seems like everything is ok . I’ve been having similar feelings when I look in the mirror sometimes and listening to you helps.

Hey, I just want you to know I love your channel. I'm trans too, and haven't really started my transition. And I'm scared about everything, and it's really comforting to watch your videos.

I’m with you, girl. You are fabulous, inside & out.🌻❤️

hope youre doing ok, you seem a bit down. sending you lots of love Mathilda

I struggle with my problems too. I admire your bravery and honesty.

❤ Much love to you - I think nearly everyone of us can relate on some level. Your 'butterfly effect' has always been the reason I don't wish I was cis. I am more than happy with who I am, I know the struggles in my life have made me a better person. I love who I am and those in my life. We quickly learn to dismiss hateful people, but yes, dysphoria is that gremlin in the corner of your mind which rears it's head occasionally and we have little defense against. You are strong, WE are ALL strong, sadly some of us haven't made it but everyday, in tiny miniscule steps, I feel it gets slightly easier for the ones who come after us.

Thank you. It's easy for some of us to see you as a beautiful woman and be jealous (cuz you're freaking adorable), but it's also inspiring to hear that you have the same feelings as those of us that don't ( and won't) "pass" and that we're all vulnerable to that inner voice of doubt. It takes real strength to be real, I appreciate that more than I can say. Much love, and again, thank you for sharing yourself with us. You make a difference.

I know this video is from 2 years ago but I think the message is still relevant. 😉 5:43 Women also have masculine features, not everyone is a cover-girl. Everyone is constantly aging, your body is not frozen in time. Learn to let it go, Mathilda. Accept yourself for who you are. Your body is just a container. You have a loving partner, you have better life than most of the people of the world. You wanted children, family. Use your "power" to do something great, something to improve humanity. Stop caring about how you look. Everyone's body is changing day-by-day. Write a book, or more. Do art. Paint. Make a movie. 😉 You are Mathilda Hogberg. No matter what do you do with your look, you are the same person. I keep my hopes up for you. 🤞

Oh Matilda, how I relate :), wish I could give you a massive hug! My grandmother (classic old fashioned english lady) has an embroidered sampler on her wall that reads "Walk with your face to the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind." That message is so true! There are fun and amazing days to come, we march on! X

Thank you so much for your sharing! You put into words many of the thoughts that myself (and probably many trans people) struggle with. Dysphoria is a horrid monster that lurks on the other side of the mirror, waiting to strike at us. We need to stand strong, and overcome it together.

You do not at all look like a man. It doesn’t matter what your gender dysphoria says or anybody else. You are a girl and you look like a girl. ❤️

Actually I feel the same way and I'm a cis girl that is generally considered pretty... but there are features about me that I percieve as masculine and I HATE it it ruins my self esteem. I also always see them in the mirror and it just doesn't look like what my ideal always has been and I feel other people can see these not so feminine traits I think I have. So this is a universal issue I think.

I love you Mathilda. Thank you for being so truthful about the journey!

Hi Mathilda 🌸 I just felt the need to communicate that one thing I’ve noticed with a lot of people who are transitioning or have transitioned is that the excitement of transitioning gets the best of them and more often than not, the kind of therapy they go through is often not properly skilled to help them understand the magnitude of their decision. I think for the most part, before are in rush to get rid of the feeling that comes with being trapped inside a body they would rather not dwell in. Most have the idea that transitioning will solve all their problems but all it does is open up to different problems they have never faced before. Once most people have transitioned, they spend a lifetime trying to convince their body that it’s female, that’s why at least I believe a lot of Trans women over compensate. The battle is a tug of war between who you were and who you’re becoming. It becomes difficult to bury who you were while also being difficult to arrive at a point where you feel feminine enough. It’s this constant pull between what was, what is and what should be. A lot of people then end up de-transitioning hoping that perhaps by doing so they won’t have to deal with gender dysphoria they way they did before but they’re also not prepared to deal with the mental challenges that come with de-transitioning. I think the battle is one of identity. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and what you’ve been through. The answer perhaps lies in the question: Who am I? Not who am I supposed to be, not who do people want me to be, not who do I think I am but rather who am I? Who am I behind all of these layers of struggles? If I didn’t have this body and I was just a gust of wind, what would I represent? I hope you get stronger and find ways to deal with this Love ❤️

I don’t really know what to write as a comment here. I have tried a couple times now. But I guess I’ll just say this. We are all here for you and we all love you. I believe in you and I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me and everyone else on the channel. Thank you so much for what you have done for all of us.

I know how you feel. I was finally able to start my HRT in February and I thought I'd be really really happy about it and I am but I'm also drinking more and listening to a whole lot of black metal not that that has anything to do with it but it's some pretty dark stuff and I generally just kind of hate myself right now for no other reason than I don't want to exist anymore because I don't want to be trans anymore. I know it's just a temporary feeling and it will pass because I am happy with my medication I am happy about what I'm doing and I am generally happy about my life but sometimes you just hate yourself or hate being trans or just hate being alive even if you're grateful for all of it.

As someone which suffers from depression for decades I can empathize. It almost sounds like a brain chemistry thing. Who knows there might be some kind of medicine which will help you cope with these feelings.

Stay strong girl. Some days suck, just have to push on through.

I know it might not make you feel better because, like you said, nothing anybody says makes it better but just know that the community of us who support you will never give up on you and will always continue to love you no matter what. even if you aren’t to yourself, you are beautiful to us and a huge inspiration to be brave enough to cope with this and make this video. ❤️❤️

Your one of the most Beautiful person I have ever seen. There isn't any part of you that I can or have seen that say any different. You are one of a kind. Never let anyone tell you different!!!!

Thank you so much for being honest and sharing! You are helping so many people and I am one of them. Sending you much love ❤️

Mathilda thank you so much for the message. I have been struggling for months now with my darkness. My father passed away May 11th of last year and i was ok with it until my aunt sent me his belongings. The biggest thing was his Flag cause he was a former service member . His death then hit me emotionally hard . A few Months before he passed . I told My family about my transition . He was 100% supportive. Thank you again for your words. If you feel down my inbox is always open to you or anyone.

Emotions are hard. Have always been hard for me, feelings, wish i didn't have them.

Love you lots and lots Matilda I was texting my sister at the end of the video so I couldn't say goodbye to you but I love you as a very close sister and I hope you have a very wonderful week!!!!!

I feel this video so hard. We're here for you, girl. Thanks for being honest about this topic. It hits us all.

I've had these days and still do, it's hard and it comes from nowhere sometimes, I'm not too far away from my bottom surgery and I'm questioning myself everyday at this point, but I know it's my next step, the thoughts we have others won't understand being trans is difficult but we have each other, your videos help me greatly and all I can say is thankyou and your beautiful and amazing hunni keep the videos coming they help so much ❤xxx

You are a beautiful, awesome, wonderful women. We all understand how scary, hard, and heartbreaking transition can be. Lots and lots of ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ to you

First lesson: Do not speak of hate, it's not our way. most trans are gentle souls in spite of pain which is part of transitioning have a nice day ❤️❤️

Over the years i lost, all my grand parents, my brother, my mom, my aunty and there are days i miss them so much. Or when my dysphoria acts out a lot i even wish i died in their places or i would have been born in the body i should have or even that i would have never been born at all. With the pandemic it makes it even worst almost like every second day, i can't watch my self in the mirror almost can't do any thing that day. But i won't give in, won't give up, i stay my ground and keep moving forward no matter what. And i will enjoy every last second of my life until the very end, without regretting anything. Often it helps me by simply meditating, self reflect for a while or do what you mentioned in your video. Also you hear it a lot, but let me say it to you once more you are beautiful, smart, strong, funny, such a lovely person... Much to you and every one else.

You're lovely as you are, always! I find it personally helpful to be careful of the thoughts that come to me that invoke a story. The stories, more often than not, have a way of leading me further away from my truths than closer.

Your personal backround, your personality and gracefull beauty make you almost a real life Disney princess. And technically you already have a potential prince charming as a boyfriend. Seriously, look it up, it actually makes sense.

You’re gonna get through it, bad times are always temporary

Praying for better days ahead.. Times are really tough right now. A lot of people are struggling right now, not to take anything away from you. All of our personal issues seem heavier these days. . Thanks for sharing your story. You are so beautiful and brave.

Thank you mathilda! I think this is a really important conversation, and is something very common amongst trans women. When I see you in your videos, I think "How could this woman ever think that she looks masculine?" But I know how it is, because I experience the same thing. I look in the mirror and most days can only see a man, but everyone around me tells me otherwise. And I just can't see what they see. I know it's difficult to talk about, but I think it would be really helpful to hear you go into more detail about what features you feel dysphoric about? It would help other trans women get more perspective, and help us feel less alone knowing someone else feels the same way about those features, and that you look amazing, so what we see must be different than what others see!

You're not alone in this my beautiful friend. We are all in this together, stay strong as you've been so far, because if you don't stay strong, you won't know what's the beautiful ending. I LOVE YOU MATHILDA, FOR REAL ❤🌼🌻🦄🌸💋

you are beautiful just be happy . happiness comes from the inside. live your life, love and be happy

you helped me when I was in a dark place and you got me through it were all here for you and have a better day

Mathilda, this video describes exactly what is happening to me often lately. I feel with you.

I think all of us trans women go through these things many times throughout our lives. We have to think about how much happier we are now than before. Try to see the positives and remember nobody’s life is perfect and without tough times

It's fine to have masculine features. I am a cis-woman and I feel that sometimes too. Of course, gender dysphoria is very different and this is something I will never know but; know that masculinity and feminity are energies. It's the yin and the yang. And, absolutely both of them have to exist within us in order to be a complete person. Mathilda, I came across your contents first through instagram. And I saw a very beautiful and elegant woman. I started following you. I didn't even know that you have an instagram page or you're a trans-woman. Then one day suddenly I bumped to your RU-vid because I was searching about PMS among trans-women. You're a beautiful, bright woman with a golden heart and with a beautiful journey ahead

Just getting over 2 major strokes in Oct it’s not the same but when I look in the mirror I don’t see the man I was I see a weaker version of me . I lost the use of my left arm ,memory loss and have a brain clot in the right side of my brain that controls my emotions I cry a lot and get frustrated I’ve been following you for awhile you are a beautiful person and have taught about transgender people and the community. Hang in there we all have issues I’m trying my hardest and it is not easy. My wife has been amazing in helping me lean on Christian ,talk bless you take care

As transwomen it's hard to look in Mirrors some days but I don't look for masculine features I always look and see the beautiful person I am inside. Honestly I find strength in Wonderful loving ppl like you Matilda 💯 You are an inspiration to us all..💗

As a trans woman, still pretty newly hatched, I resonate with this so hard.. Stay strong beautiful! We'll push through.

You are beautiful stay strong in this world it can be tough and brutal but light is always around if you look for it.

If it means anything, thanks to what I've learned from you I have felt so much better about moving forward with my own journey. I appreciate you so much~

You are a lovely person and we all have your back and you are just so strong!