One of the key takeaways I have gotten from this show is when John said “yelling is abuse”. I used to be a huge yeller and would justify it in my mind by saying that my partner, kids, etc. pushed me too far. I was wrong. Yelling is emotional abuse. Our home has totally changed over the past 2-3 years because of what I have learned from this show.
My mom yelled at us constantly growing up. My dad wasn’t much a yeller; he had to be extremely angry to yell. My older sister now yells at her children, my younger sister takes a mild approach and is slower to anger. But I can tell you as a 45 yo woman, I am still sometimes afraid of the backlash from mom and older sister when I tell them my plans or decisions I’ve made-bc of all the yelling. So good on you that you’ve made this change so they don’t grow up afraid of you, your judgment, and their own good decisions.
I was a yeller too much to deal with alcoholic husband, alone with small boys. No one to talk to. Not an excuse tho. One of my biggest regret in my life. I apologize to them several times.
I do disagree. I’m not a yeller, im a talker but my mum was a huge yeller. I didn’t like being yelled at but who does However I do not think my mum was an abuser. I think it’s quite an extreme description. I think if you have a problem with yelling, you’re definitely emotionally unintelligent for sure. Probably a hot take but just my opinion
@@holliejane3605yeah that’s definitely wrong. Telling at someone, especially if it’s a habit is emotional abuse. Let me ask you, do you have low self esteem?
Yeah I have lots of memories of my dad yelling and being verbally abusive while also breaking a few things , glad I’m not like him , wasn’t going to let myself be like that
My mom had a beautiful blue pitcher and eight matching ice tea glasses, an anniversary gift from my older sister, who had left home after high school and was living on her own. One Friday evening, when my parents were arguing, my dad picked up one of those beautiful glasses, stood at the top of the stairs leading to our family room, and hurled that glass with ball the force he could muster. Yeah, it broke into a hundred shards as it hit the hard tiled floor. My mom screamed at us kids not to touch a bit of it. That was our TV room, our play room, the primary exit/entrance to the garage, basement, lower bathroom, another sister’s bedroom, and the outdoors. Made the room useless as we tiptoed through the glass field for TWO days, until my sister and I quietly swept up the glass and cleaned the floor on Sunday night. It’s been 52 years, and I remember it like yesterday. Not a day passed in my childhood that I didn’t feel a sense of doom around my parents.
Nice to hear from someone who was ACTUALLY a child. Really gives me some perspective. I was an ancient 8th dimension cephalopod entity that ate a young adults soul and the stole their body.
Caller 1. You are in an abusive relationship. This is not your fault! You should seek out a good therapist, I recommend someone who is certified in DBT Therapy. This is trauma therapy that will give you tools to learn how to recognize abusers. Your family taught you that you deserve this kind of bad abuse. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse because when they hit us they leave bruises and we can see that he is abusing us. With emotional abuse, you can't see it.
I used to think if he was hitting me people would see what he was doing to me! Emotional abuse goes very deep and women put up with it for a long time!
Having grandparents in our town is a blessing that I never had. My kids had weekly dates with grandma, and gparents went to every event. Staying close isn't right for everyone, but it was one of the best gifts that we gave to our kids.
i can totally sympathize with the first caller. being in a relationship with someone who has anger issues is both traumatizing and heartbreaking. it's traumatizing because you'll forever remember the outbursts and the things they say to you while they're angry, even going so far as to believe what they're saying. but it's also incredibly heartbreaking loving someone through their anger issues when they don't want to get help for themselves. and that's when you have to walk away, and even that can be hard despite knowing that deep down it's the right thing to do.
It’s frustrating bc it’s so fixable too. I’m autistic and had a lot of anger from over stimulation. I went and got help started meditation and do yoga 4 times a week and I’m a new person. Now my kids do yoga also and we all work on frustration or anger together. Just go help help there is so much help and things to do
The only thing that makes me lash out in anger is the Pizza Hut website. How hard is it to build a website I can reliably order a pizza from? I almost smashed my computer screen the other night. My wife has never even remotely had the ability to make me that mad.
Totally agree on the graduation/promotion ceremonies. My daughter had a graduation for kindergarten, and I commented in one of my mom groups that I thought they were so unnecessary. You would've thought I had said I didn't love my kid. Several people came for my throat, asking why in the world I would say my kid doesn't deserve to be celebrated. You can celebrate your kids accomplishments without having a huge ceremony for every little milestone.
It is difficult to see the littles move into the next stage for a lot of parents. They are happy for them, but the reality of it hits hard. Sometimes the graduations are about more than the graduations--wishing they could stay small, cute, fun and possibly unaffected by this world?
Started therapy for the anger outbursts and rages of breaking things and giving my family anxiety and nightmares and it’s getting better but still deeply challenging. 😞
you're doing brave work, good job!! I know it must feel super uncomfortable some times but one day in a few years you will look back on you now and be SO GLAD you got help and be so proud of yourself for how far you've come. Blessings!! ✨️
The 2nd caller - you are a good dad. Protect your kids from her. It could get worse and she could add physical abuse because rage can do that. No excuse for her to act like that towards kids. Dr. John is right have other adults and things the kids can get affirmation from and showing them not all people are like this and it isn't their fault. My dad was working so much he didn't know how bad my mother was. Now he knows and is so suprised how evil she was because he thought she only did it to him. If you protect your kids they will continue to have a relationship with you and if she doesn't change she will be one those mothers when she is older that wonders why don't my kids talk to me? She can control herself. My mom would be the quietest most fake person at church and with others and still is to this day.
Where’s that energy for the second caller? Do you feel the same way about the anxiety ridden wife who is abusing her husband and children? Or do you only go after men
its insane how many women have low self worth. listening to these calls has really helped me identify some of these traits in myself and realize what behaviors are not worth putting up with , vs what behaviors are a part of a healthy relationship thank you. 🙏🏼✨️💞
My mother still uses angry yelling, spews venom and vitriolic speech and hysterical behavior to control, and manipulate. It is so traumatic. I spiral for days after she unleases on me. I am so tired. I cry for days... I spiral for days ... and I am over 30 years old.
I listen to all these relationship stories on this show and I have have every little bit of these problems in my own. Makes me wonder if it’s worth being in one at all.
I grew up in this exact dynamic (2nd caller) and as an adult I hate passive men who are conflict avoidant cowards. I have an aversion to them that i realize is completely trauma based.
hey guys, if you have kids go trying fishing. i do this every yr and my daughter was not intrested till this year. but every yr i would keep doing it. and i have an autistic 7 yr old. another thing is with me having girls, they are creative. my 9 yr old is started crocheting. I'm learning with her, but she wanted to make plushie for her step father. just spreading some of y'all parents if you wanna do something with the kids, cuz we get so caught up with life.
I got to go to my nephew’s pre-K advancement this week and I will never go to another graduation because none of them will ever top getting to watch these 5 year olds Tootie Ta and other songs and dance on stage for 30 minutes. Everyone loved it! I also suspect it was a way for the administrators to get the adults’ attention to remind us to make sure to keep building their skills over the summer.
Totally agree - too many awards for too little in the milestones department! Maybe Grade 8 graduation to Highschool? Yes! Highschool Grad - should be the big celebration!
OMG. Thank you. 1. "No no nooooo. As a survivor and sp Someone with >insert mental health issue< you put yourself in the perpetrator role.... 2. One angry outlast and refusal to get help is not acceptable Heavy and feeling relief.
I’m in a Chicago suburb,public schools. We have 8th grade and highschool graduation. Never heard of any other kind. And our schools are top in the country
Somehow I knew she was a child of abuse from just how easily she is manipulated by her abusive husband. Hopefully she will find the strength and wisdom to see through his lies and leave for good.
@@S42069 If you choose violence and breaking items, you are wrong. End of story. If it is bad, then divorce or go to couples counseling. Smashing a computer screen is psycho!
It's usually more complicated than that. Within that family, the most disturbed/ toxic parent will have identified a scapegoat child who is suffering beyond " being yelled at ", others are the golden child, then other roles that shape them forever. My Dad when we were young was scary because he struggled to cope with our Narc mom and her misbehavior. But as we moved along he stopped reacting, and set boundaries for mom, and stopped bellowing at us. But we were still suffering the narc abuse. So I survived because I could trust Dad even if he wasn't warm and fuzzy, but he was reliable. But yes in first 5 yrs of life he'd have been an abusive parent, but Mom never stopped and she just died in her 90s.
This happened to my mom and my siblings. Occasionally he would say he was sorry, and when he did, it would sound very sincere. But after a week he would go right back. Smashing things, sceeaming, punching people. My mom finally had enough and left him about a year ago.
IiSounds like incapable of owning their own actions. Unaccountable for his choices. Most abusers start by destroying things around a person. I lived through this. I actively chose to stay. Then i knew i had the power to leave.
Anger is an emotion, not an action. When people start yelling, breaking things or physically attacking others, it is not anger, it is abuse. This guy needs to stop being a violent bully. My advice for this woman is to run, grab your kids and leave. He has clearly told her he is unwilling to take any personal responsibility for his choices and actions. Save yourself, save your kids, run.
They didn't listen when I as a teacher got shot down for this very thing..NO to K graduation, elementary graduation, jr high graduation...also Great Attendance punishes kids who stay home when they are sick!!! Awards for finished projects...being good buddies..ok
My dad was a yeller and it definitely affects you as a kid. They prove they are such a coward. The excuse is you are good because you don’t cheat or physically abuse anyone. In my book, not good enough.
Normally I agree w/ things that feel like coddling. But when kids are leaving a school + that school has been all they knew for years, I don’t see anything wrong w/ commemorating that w/ a ceremony + slideshow.
Leaving a school, not evry year! Back I the old days we marked leaving elementary school Jr high, without parents, or parents optional with assembly, and talking to all the teachers you are leaving... it's doing a formal ceremony every grade is mind numbing, takes away the significance of those other milestones.
@@joywebster2678 I’ve never heard of any school marking every grade. He’s talking about leaving kindergarten, elementary, middle school. But if they do that where you live, yeah that seems like overkill.
However, we did save newspapers and aluminum cans all school year in the 5th grade and at the end of the year the whole grade went to a camp on the big island for a week. This was when we lived on Oahu. We literally filled a classroom from floor to ceiling with newspapers and cans and they did this every year.
These comments are disturbing, the first caller is living with someone who is verbally abusive and refuses to take accountability. Everyday families are being destroyed by individuals who don’t want to take accountability. Check out Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” it’s directed at men but can also apply to women. One of the things it mentions many of these “ out of control episodes “ are actually calculated and intentional.
The husband should not only go with a therapist but also tell the complete TRUTH. I have a feeling he is going to lie his way in therapy then what is the point .
Four times to go to therapy? Let me tell you out of experience that if it’s not him who wants to change then he won’t open up in therapy and the therapist won’t be able to help him. He needs long term extensive help with a good therapist that can pull out the truth from him.
Mom of two here - I could not agree more with the “too many graduation comments!!” What happened to the goal of working your butt off to graduate after completing 12th grade?!?!?!
There are 2 sides of the story. I want to see the other persons side. I've met a lot of deceivers in my life I'm just curious if some of the people that call want to play victim.
She won’t get a divorce because she can’t leave her kids alone with him, when they have visitation it will be more traumatic for the kids to be with a parent with anger issues without the mother to step in the middle and protect them. Don’t be fooled thinking court will take visitation away from him, they won’t even have him on supervised visitation that’s a shame
This man sounds like he is having meltdown’s! I’m not a professional but after being married for 20 years I found out my husband had high functioning autism. Meltdowns, walking away from conversations, having what appeared as narcissistic tendencies, no accountability for actions, having no empathy, blaming others, later in the marriage anger outbursts that he couldn’t control and many other things that were land mines, I walked through daily. It hasn’t been easy and some days still impossible because, even with knowledge, age worsens his ability to for him to manage a Neuro-typical world. Emotionally, he is stuck at around 11 years old. Many women over 40 are discovering their spouse or boyfriends have undiagnosed autism and there are few counselors with proper training to treat adult autism, locking couples in very hopeless relationships. I would suggest the first couple take steps for the husband to get tested for autism…if it isn’t then they can cross that off. Best wishes, to resolution and a family reunited in a healthy space.
I’m sorry but autism does not dictate the ability to take accountability, nor the capacity for empathy… “locking couples in very hopeless relationships”? That’s a choice, and it’s one that is not decided by a therapist…
@@rachel4339 I’ve lived it for 30 years and you are wrong! Lack of empathy is very much an ASD trait. Accountability, is learned but because of the emotional immaturity it is a vey big hurdle for many with autism. Trained professionals in adult autism can be very beneficial for helping autistic people maneuver the world. Counselors without autism specialize training can actually cause more damage and trauma…. We have experienced it firsthand!
Some people intentionally push the other ones buttons. This guy should just leave this woman forever. Does anyone truly believe this woman doesn't have any blame? Is she really an angel in these situations? This is why you don't go to marriage counseling...they are all like John. They all have feminist views of things. Young men, this is why you don't get married. Leave these women to themselves 😂
The ceremonies are ridiculous! Unless it’s college, everything else is unnecessary. So you finished high school? Yes, you SHOULD finish high school! Considering how easy the American school system is, it’s almost disgraceful to not graduate from HS because it’s so easy. This is coming from someone who didn’t even speak the English language when I started junior high school!
Umm you’re literally telling the second caller to do what you agreed wasn’t acceptable with the husband of the first caller. I’m seeing the full picture on that first caller that I think you missed. She blows up and he leaves when he senses he’s gunna get mad and she follows him to stir the problem up even worse. She just wants to play the victim card because she gets high on sympathy from other people and you fell for the trap My ex did the same crap. You sense you’re getting upset you go somewhere to cool off and they just keep following you pushing you because they know how to work your buttons and get a reaction out of you.
Doesn’t matter. Dr. John wasn’t focused on ANY of that because his behavior of throwing things, smashing computer screens, and yelling/ screaming at the kids is more important than whatever behaviors she does. She’s the one actively working on herself with a counselor, he’s not. There’s the difference! YOU are always in control of your emotions, nobody makes you do anything! Doesn’t matter if “she kept pushing your buttons”. You still choose how you respond and it’s not an excuse to have a freaking temper tantrum like a toddler that makes the whole house unsafe!
So we ignore her behavioral issues. Which she unknowingly admitted to. Because I can get a pretty good picture of the situation. She starts a fight, he tries to leave the situation and she follows and continues and then when she gets the reaction she was pushing him for (everyone has limit) she turns around and is the victim.
@@jacobbowling6247 You are purely speculating just based on your own situation! She’s the only one actively getting help, he’s not. He’s the one smashing thing, she’s not. As far as I’m concerned he’s the issue, her behavioral problems can be addressed with her own counselor.
@@flashthecorgi2053 she doesn’t say “he regularly breaks things” she has one instance that she clings too. That from the sounds of the way she talks about their interaction she drove him to. You can’t just say “I’m getting help” and all the sudden you can’t be held accountable for your actions. It takes 2 people to fight.
This woman put her children through his abuse because she's a coward. If he's abusive to her fine, she chose him but those poor kids are innocent victims of these a$$holes.
My daughter's school got a new principal this year, and he decided not to have a "Moving On" ceremony, and many were upset. He decided we would have a full "Fun Day" for 5th graders with parents (optional) and teachers. He hired a DJ, had Kona ice come to the school, pizza for lunch, t-shirts to all sign, and a huge 5th grade kickball tournament! When I tell you, the kids LOVED it! This is my 3rd child and by far the best time.
Parents with anger issues, let me tell you what's going to happen: your kids will learn to walk on eggshells about life, afraid that whatever they do or say could have terrifying consequences, potential disabling perfectionism, difficulty to make decisions, extreme people pleasers, easy to manipulate and take advantage of, and your kids are at a high risk of marrying an abusive someone because they will be drawn to the familiarity of it. Quit now!
I stayed with a man who stole from me, cheated on me, and lied to me, the held me uo against a wall by my throat and smashed his fist into the wall next to my head, for about 5 extra months after being with him for over a year. Sometimes you just have to love yourself enough to go. Find a way to leave, however that looks, and just pack your bags and go.
That is absolutely insane and not normal. Proud of you for leaving. I’ve been married to my wife 10 years now and I’ve never once had the urge to throw things or scare her. In fact whenever we do have a rare fight I always get depressed because I hate that we aren’t in harmony and miss our relationship. So we always make up really quickly. And I’m someone who has eternal trauma from my own family. My father never hit my mom once. But he would explode in rage and shout when he’d lose control of a situation. And because of that I have lived my whole life with anxiety where I feel a pressure on my chest during these situations. Like if someone is pushing my buttons or I lose control of a situation I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe. But despite that I do not yell, scream, or throw things. My wife is also a survivor of an abusive family and abusive ex bfs. And similarly she never yells at me or throws things. There was one time in our relationship like 7 years back where we both shouted. I forget why. But we then both started laughing because we realized how stupid we sounded. Like not even making this up. We just burst into laughter because we were both being so childish. And it never happened again. I say all this because people screaming and throwing things is not normal and is definitely a choice. We both had awful upbringings where we have every reason to do those things yet we control our own actions. So I am really sorry you had to go through this. I hope you find someone that treats you with love and respect. Someone who loves you enough to put aside their own selfish instincts.
I just dont understand married people. She's living in a house with a MONSTER for 10yrs walking on eggshells Promised to never divorce yet understands why people divorce. Kids will secretly hate him and mom too for staying with a loser. I hope those kids aren't teens because they will more than likely will repeat the cycle 🙄
This is the example he is setting in the home that dad rules by terrifying the family by yelling and breaking things. Sadly the kids might very well either do it themselves or allow it to happen to them.
@@GodessIsabelRaina She did, He slowly manipulated and traumatized her over time. It doesn’t happen overnight. What matters is that she’s seeking help now 🙏🏽
My significant other did this ONCE. He knows if it ever happens again I’m gone. I flew back home for a month and stayed with my old roommate over BS like this. Absolutely NOT He never did it again
Correct! Once you can realize that you had no warning, it's unacceptable and it's that person's fault entirely. More than once and it's your fault for letting it continue.
First story, that was my ex husband too. Chance after chance after ect.. it ended in him having an affair. He broke me so bad after 10 yrs he couldn't stand my emotions (saddness, anxiety, depression..) even tho he was who took my safety and security away and left our family for his manager. He blamed me for it all so I blamed myself for everything, until this last year a shift happened and I realize it was all him and I was too forgiving for far too long. 💔 I hope all the best for her.
Sounds just like my ex-fiance too - he was soo good at convincing me that I am the reason for our relationship issues. He blamed me for things that I clearly didn't play a part in and I believed him. I was hypervigilant trying to be perfect so that I wouldn't get criticized. I also feared his angry outbursts and though he never got physically violent, his words and how he made me feel had already done enough to almost destroy my self-esteem. When I finally stopped trying to prove myself, I stopped believing him and was able to move forward. It took sooo much courage for me to leave - but one last argument jolted me towards that decision. And I finally was able to walk away.
Sadly there are some adults that are men who never learned how to not use his fists and yell at women and children when he gets tired, frustrated, or exhausted. Not to say they can't be in a relationship. And also women can get into the mind set of he is not all bad only when he gets mad or yells at me during arguments. I get abuse can from women as well. Abuse is abuse.
The husband in the first call isn't angry or out of control. He's using anger as a tool in his kit for controlling his family. He knows exactly what he's doing and isn't going to change because the point for him is not having a happy family bond. We can know this because for a decade he's been using every sly trick in the book to emotionally manipulate her. If he were just an angry boy he'd just be angry.
You are 100% correct and I’m so glad to see this comment This is exactly what Lundy Bancroft explains in his book “Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men” The husband is doing this on purpose to control his family. Does the husband break any of HIS stuff or only hers and shared family things? I doubt he breaks his stuff when he’s mad. Which means he KNOWS the difference and is CHOOSING to be violent with hers and family shared things. He’s not out of control, he is very much IN control. He needs professional help and Dr John was right.
@@HPLaserJet2100tnYES!!! Thank you for bringing up Lundy Bancroft’s book. Life changing. I thought I was smart- I have a doctorate, but I didn’t know for years that I was being abused. I’ve come through it- 4 years of detaching and reconfiguring my family. Cheers and thanks again for sharing truth.😊
My husband just confessed to me that he’s been struggling with rage. But he’s been trying to handle it on his own. While I’ve sensed that something has been off lately, I never saw the rage. Just a sense of distance. Saying this to say he’s NEVER yelled at me… or thrown anything at me. He will step away if he needs to. He’ll take a minute to himself. He would / will never put me in danger bc of HIS feelings. It’s not the anger. It’s the man. For context: my husband is a police officer. The rage, we think, is a symptom of his career. He was finally able to voice that he’s struggling with it so we’re getting him help. ❤️ To the comment assuming he takes it out at work: He usually channels it into a good workout. My husband became an officer to build community relations and to serve justice. Not to take his anger out on people. He has never once received a community complaint for his behavior. But has in fact been awarded for things like talking someone out of suicide. And arresting gang bangers within hours of brutally attacking a young woman. Even the men he's arrested have later talked highly of him. He is a God fearing man + I have full confidence he has never abused his power.
That’s a good man, please thank your husband for me and his service to this community! I genuinely hope he’s able to get the help he needs and can find peace. 💙
There isn't a single cop in this country that doesn't actively cover for other officers engaged in despicable things. It's something they don't even try to hide. They are supposed to be proud of it. They call it, "The Thin Blue Line" and it means cops versus everyone else. A cop who covers for cops that play evidence, rapist cops, bad shooter cops, cops that break their oath to the Constitution at every turn are considered "good cops" and "team players." Cops that blow the whistle are ostracized and quickly find themselves no longer police. It's the culture of policing. If your husband is a good man and he sounds like he is than it might just be that playing along with that culture is what is f'ing him up. Some of the bravest, best, most moral men I've ever heard speak are ex cops who are trying to change that system for the better. Whistleblowers so to speak. This country needs a massive overhaul on police culture and it's going to have to come from the bottom up because the powers that be are only making it worse. Qualified immunity, terrible terrible cops keeping their jobs and getting a day of probation after killing innocent people... The Supreme Court has literally decided that police are under no obligation at all to actually police. Someone could be getting stabbed right next to them and they can just look on. No exaggeration as that's the actual case the Supreme Court examined to make the ruling that police don't have to protect or serve or police in any way. I know that belonging to such a organization would mess me up.
No apology is sincere if the same actions keep being repeated. A true apology is followed by changed behavior. My father had horrible angry outbursts that were frightening. He ruled our home with yelling and fear, sometimes with physical abuse. Then, the next thing he was all kind and caring. So bizarre! I’m certain that if his behavior happened in today’s world, CPS would have been called in. He was well respected outside our home except to neighbors, but behind closed doors he could be a monster.
I grew up the same way. My confidence in myself was non existent growing up. When I turned about 30 I have tried so hard to foster some self love and heal my feelings of brokenness. It always amazed me when I was about 6,7,8,9 how other people would speak so highly of my father when I knew the real truth.
Had the same…dad that constantly yelled and screamed at us for any little thing. He has PTSD from Vietnam,and came from an alcoholic father who was abusive, so I can understand now to a point. That kind of yelling continuously ruins your nervous system which can come back later in life as a response to that continued stress year after year.
You got this first caller! You have been abused and you deserve much better! He is controlling and intimidating you! Leave! It will be hard and down the road you will find someone who will cherish you!
I know D's suggestion to caller #2 to "take the kids and go get ice cream" was meant to be constructive. But if that sort of thing becomes a habit, the kids may learn to console themselves with food, especially sweets, which will come back to bite them later in life. Take it from someone who eats their feelings. Take the kids for a walk instead.
36:21 to be fair he said “we are going to get some ice cream OR go for a walk” so he gave options and she’s not ALWAYS flying off the handle so it’s not like they are having ice cream every time. I think his suggestion was very fair but I also see your point if it becomes a habit!
I am a woman with ADHD. The biggest struggles that I have related to that are related to emotional regulation. It is not and has never been an excuse for me to cause harm to people I care about. If anything, I have to be way more self-aware to avoid hurting people I care about. People with disabilities deserve reasonable accommodation and understanding, but we are no less responsible for our behavior than anyone else
I'm an adult man with ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago. Emotional regulation is a real struggle! Sometimes you just disassociate if somethings uncomfortable, sometimes the most inconsequential things all seem to stack on top of one another and are super enraging. That being said, things are still within my control, and life is just so much better when you take the time to point out what's upsetting your, and then make a conscious decision to focus on the things that matter and choose to love the people in your life.
I agree! But they need to see their behavior and realize you got to get help. When I had my first outburst of rage, I told my husband this is not okay. I’m getting help immediately. It was scary it wasn’t me. Thankfully I didn’t break anything
Amen! I’m a mom with ADHD raising a child with ADHD who struggles with emotional regulation. We talk ALL the time about how sometimes we have to work extra-hard to manage our emotions, but struggling to manage emotions is never an excuse for hurting people.
Caller #1 Trapped in the trauma of her past unfortunately....which ultimately caused her to find that unfinished business with her father with a husband. When they split she needs to focus on herself she needs to leave him for good she is so stuck in her trauma that she doesn't she how absolutely abnormal her situation is it isn't something she needs to stay in. This is why I am such a supporter of women not starting families with men until they can confidentiality say if things go south I can support my family if needed.
Dr. John, you do more for people in a half hour than months of treatment by most therapists. Plus, you're helping all of us who get to listen and learn. Thank you so much for telling us facts!
He's willing to sacrifice his children by keeping them in a relationship with the abusive mother for the sake of the marriage. He needs to leave with the children.
@@anneeddrief6055I don't know any strong people who say stuff like what you're saying. It doesn't matter if it's tough or not. You give up the luxury of being weak once you have kids.
Almost bummed I missed this premier. Was playing Candy Land with my younger kids. Gotta be honest, that was more fun. 🤩 Now, I’m hiding terrified in the bathroom from trying to learn Pokémon with my 10 y/o. I remember trying to learn this years ago with our oldest. I’m too ADHD for that game. I can’t keep track of so many details. Candy Land is my jam. It’s more my speed. This poor girl. She is being abused. The fact that he blames her for his tantrums is textbook abuse. Amazing that she was able to kick him out and shocking that he has actually left. Folks like this are notorious for steamrolling boundaries. Right?
Our end of school year tradition is to either make sundaes or root beer floats, so I’m completely on board with ice cream over sitting outside in the heat! LOL!
There’s way too much for parents to try and keep up with and so much of it is not necessary in my opinion. You have to have some down time at home to get refreshed, and when it’s constant running and activities, you get depleted.
I find the term " real men don't do this, this, this" is an attempt to distance yourself from acknowledging this is a real problem. Like it or not, anger issues and abuse is primarily perpetrated by men...and they are real, existing men
Third caller. MOVE!!! My story: I decided to move to another city in my early 30's for job and career opportunities. I was still living at home with my mom and still single after various relationships did not work out and after many attempts to find steady work failed me. I wasn't happy, but just dealing with all of this. Moving away had been on my mind for some time, but I didn't have a clear view of where that would be. When I figured it out, I worked a variety of part time jobs, saved my money and then told my mom I was leaving. The day before I left, she gave me 2 wire coat hangers and a roll of toilet paper. She didn't speak to me for months. Eventually, she got over her attitude, came to visit and enjoyed herself to no end. You are not responsible for your parents' feelings about where you live, especially as a woman with a family of your own. If your parents want to be in your life, they will find a way to do it. 4 hours away is nothing.
Dr D is on point with first caller. I had a similar marriage and my CPTSD kept me feeling responsible for my husband’s feelings and outbursts. He let the wife know she was not responsible for h’s anger. And he let her know the danger of leaning through her body’s opposition to his behavior if her H leans in toward her. This wife/mom is so strong to be getting help for this. Keep it up and I hope you have a great outcome. ❤ Thanks Dr D for your great advice and help.
The day I graduated high school, I showed up at school early, picked up my diploma, and moved across the country. I never regretted missing my graduating ceremony or party. I had zero interest being involved in that.😂
Next thing he will do is hit you. My ex husband was an angry man it got to the point where he started to act like he was about to hit me. I didnt give him a reason to get angry either. He was very short tempered.
If he needs to walk away and cool off let him. Give him the space he needs to think and cool off so he can get himseld out of overload mode. He may come back in 10 minutes or a few hours with a different attitude and outlook. Also stop blaming him for your fathers actions. If you want to stsy together you have to take some accountability and realize sometimes you have to let some things do to get what you want. If you want it. If you don't thats up to you.
I agree for most people . Almost everyone I personally know is not very happy in their marriage. In fact the one person I thought was happily married for 40 years told me recently after her husband passed away she wasn’t that happy .
"Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent resource for people trapped in abusive relationships. The audiobook is free on Spotify premium. God bless.
John, this was just an awesome show. Thank you for teaching adults how to not be abusive screamers in the home. Glad to hear Kelly is alright and that it is two-sided and everyone has a voice that is heard. I already felt that, but hearing you two explain it outloud was actually incredibly sweet.
As a child my mom's 2nd husband did the same thing. It was terrifying and confusing. He would rage and break things and humiliate me in the worst way, then the next day warm and generous. When he first moved in with us, he tore apart my brother's bedroom, tipping over the dresser and other furniture, throwing the mattresses of the bed, and screaming. My brother was about 16 and left home to go to another state to live with our grandma. Eventually this turned into physical abuse for both myself and my mother until they divorced.
The second caller does not always have the choice. The situation just explodes sometimes. I think some of us just don’t like having a family to take care of. And we realize it after we are far in it.
People who scream, shout, and throw things are definitely making a choice. I’ve been married to my wife 10 years now and I’ve never once had the urge to throw things or scare her. In fact whenever we do have a rare fight I always get depressed because I hate that we aren’t in harmony and miss our relationship. So we always make up really quickly. And I’m someone who has eternal trauma from my own family. My father never hit my mom once. But he would explode in rage and shout when he’d lose control of a situation. And because of that I have lived my whole life with anxiety where I feel a pressure on my chest during these situations. Like if someone is pushing my buttons or I lose control of a situation I sometimes feel like I can’t breathe. But despite that I do not yell, scream, or throw things. My wife is also a survivor of an abusive family and abusive ex bfs. And similarly she never yells at me or throws things. There was one time in our relationship like 7 years back where we both shouted. I forget why. But we then both started laughing because we realized how stupid we sounded. Like not even making this up. We just burst into laughter because we were both being so childish. And it never happened again. I say all this because people screaming and throwing things is not normal and is definitely a choice. We both had awful upbringings where we have every reason to do those things yet we control our own actions. So I am really sorry you had to go through this. I hope you find someone that treats you with love and respect. Someone who loves you enough to put aside their own selfish instincts.
A small piece of constructive criticism: Saying “whatever else you’ve googled..” is a little patronizing, Dr. Delony. That might be a legitimate diagnosis for one thing, but regardless, it’s not necessary to talk down to the caller to ask them to focus on the behavior rather than the diagnosis or buzzword. I know you love these people and you do fantastic work with every single one. I wouldn’t want someone to feel hurt by that when I’m sure you don’t mean anything patronizing by it.
I don’t think it’s patronizing at all. And I don’t think he talked him down. Psychotherapists observe and pay attention to behaviour and go through intensive assessments before they diagnose someone. This caller may have just “diagnosed” his wife without any legitimate information other than what he thinks. In the same breath, his wife may not have ADHD, and saying, “I think you have ADHD, you need help,” in itself can also sound patronizing. Anyone can witness behaviour. Not everyone knows if someone has a diagnosis and not everyone wants people to know. It can be a very sensitive subject. There’s a lot of information out there in Google world, some of it legitimate and some of it not, so it’s important that people talk to professionals in person and in real time, and not base their judgments solely on what they found on the internet.
@@erin6083 He drops a lot of wisecracks and condescension. Maybe it is nerves. Not sure if he thinks it is witty, but someone needs to advise him and address this.
@@rosedevereux2391 It was an extremely minor piece criticism and I generally enjoy his sense of humor a lot. I think he mostly gives excellent advice and is a very talented person and host. This was just one little thing. Many people read a lot and are aware of mental health issues and don’t simply “google” them or bandy about buzzwords, so I took exception to his assuming that it wasn’t a proper diagnosis or based on no research, that was all. Thank you for sharing your opinion as well.
To first caller, hopefully, your husband can get better, but if not, you will want to get evidence of the abuse before divorcing him. Otherwise, he could get custody, and that would be worse than staying with him as you can protect the children better if you stay together, then if they get custody.
