these podcast episodes really need to be longer!! like around an hour for a deeper conversation because 30mins is really too short for a podcast like this
Couldn’t agree more with Nicholas’s statement on being the friend that always initiate a catch up or meet up. It can make a person feel like the one that does not initiate is not that keen in maintaining the friendship… … 24:47
This ep hits me hard. I no longer has any core friends as they’re all married. I’m always the initiator & if I don’t do it, we will never meet or contact. And there are groups where we only reduced to meeting once a year during Xmas & just last year, two of my group of friends also decided to not ‘sound out’ anything. When I asked if we are meeting, everyone says ‘probably can’t cos XXXX’. I felt so… 5th layer friend? So overtime, I decided to always be alone when I used to be a social extrovert. I’m 36…
Q’s story is so relatable! It’s unintentional but a situation that still happens cos it requires balancing effort and priorities to still meet whether attached or not
on the opposite spectrum, there's me whose ex-gf prioritized almost EVERYTHING over me. be it all her other friends or even her new colleagues for most of the 2 years into the r/s. her logic was that she had 'lost' all her friends in the past after she got too deep into a r/s, and she didn't want to repeat it again. basically a type of 'insurance' in case we failed as a couple. (err ok) for new colleagues, her logic was that this was a new workplace, and she was trying to 'break' into their culture as she's quite different from them, Chi speaking vs her (Eng speaking), and mostly foreigners and diploma holders (vs her, SG and uni-educated). ok fine. but funnily enough, even after 1 year next came all the OTs + unpredictable ad-hoc work outside of work hours since it's the nature of her job (ok fine) but for it to be ALL weekdays..? later on she mentioned that she's basically waiting for another colleague to finish their stuff for her to send it out (this one can do tmr right), and sometimes even after that they all continue chit chatting and chilling in office one day i decided to drop by the canteen below her office for lunch since a client's meeting ended nearby, and wow what a coincidence she was also lunching with her colleagues. we saw each other, but guess what, she pretended i didn't exist, didn't want to acknowledge me while i sat alone at a table nearby eating my own lunch. the breaking point was when one day she 'happily' told me she was going on a planned holiday trip with her colleagues, and for 2 whole years, i had kept pushing for us as a couple to go on a trip, and would always get rejected for reasons like 'my work now is unpredictable', 'no one can cover for me', 'my mum likely won't allow' a waste of 2 years of my life yearning and hoping, and never getting what i wanted. (thankfully i found someone ALOT better and am much much much happier now) TLDR: whether it's friends or your partner, don't fall to either extreme and only prioritise one side and leave the other side to rot
Bruh I relate to Q so much that it hurts. As the single friend amongst all my attached/married ones I really feel like my friendship is taken for granted at times. Back when I was much younger and they all got attached I got angry and resented them because I was putting in so much effort into the friendship but they glossed over it. Resentment led to arguments and arguments led to distance for 1-2 years before things got better again. However, it's still hard for me to accept at times because I'm still the one who has to put in more effort because I remember to celebrate their birthdays etc. They have done the same for me but it's little to what I do and I'm not sure if I'm overly expectant or they are not putting in enough because they have other lifelong commitments and I'm just a friend. It's a harsh reality i realised I have to face and suck up because I'm on the shorter end of the stick.
My ex doesn't like me to hang out with him and his group of friends and got angry whenever I asked if I can tag along (he always mentioned that he needs to entertain me. However, his group of friends also brought their girlfriends to the gatherings and the girlfriends are not part of their 'gang'), and he doesn't like to hang out with me and my group of friends (even though my group of friends are people he knew as we were both from the same poly class) throughout the 9+ years relationship.
The secret Santa stitch - my friend group just does the gifting among ourselves but the partners can still come during the actual exchange outing just to eat and hang with us if they want to :’)
