I would love this type of video to be a regular series! Your comment section is so rich and nuanced, hearing a deeper discussion on some of the topics would be great
I feel so freaking honored and vulnerable in the best way 😂. And yeah, still today the excessive shopping behaviors pick up during times of stress, particularly where outcomes are mostly dictated by others rather than myself. Your channel has helped me and so many others. Keep up the inspiring work, Hannah, it matters tremendously. Thank YOU for continuing the conversation, your kind, thoughtful reflection, validation, and positive community building ❤❤❤
I found your comment to be quite insightful. All these years of shopping excessively and wondering why I shopped. I thought it was the idea of recreating myself, but I actually think your comment gets closer to the truth. It's about control. And showing that I am not being controlled by anyone else.
It's genuinely so uncommon that a RU-vidr says something that I know I'm gonna be thinking about for months, not because it was a super thought provoking or intense topic but because of what they said. I still think about the elegance video every day, and I'm gonna end up thinking about the 2 color clothing system a ton for sure
There is a poem "Autobiography in Five Chapters" by Portia Nelson which I teach my meditation students as a way to talk about turning our automatic habits (in this case, turning shopping as means of control, or coping mechanism) into mindful responses (appropriate levels of reading). I think will resonate very much with the lovely people here and will copy it below. When I teach this, the key is that inserting our awareness before, during, and after the process will itself meaningfully change the choices we make. Thank you Hannah for bringing awareness to our collective shopping habits! I. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. II. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. III. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there, I still fall in. It's habit. It's my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately. IV. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V. I walk down a different street.
@@stephanie_elleI’m screen shotting is as well. I know my daughter who is 23, and can be very introspective will love it! I’ll be sharing it with her! (I don’t think my other 2 children would quite understand the concept just now.. maybe in the future tho!
"Reading too much" sounds like an absolutely wild non-problem to anyone who hasn't experienced it. Reading is great, and I have been trying to read more books lately. However. I definitely used reading novels as an unhealthy way to disconnect with reality as a teenager and young adult. Books, TV, any kind of fiction, can be both wonderful for the mind and a way to avoid reality . Now I go for even easier methods of entertainment for distraction, like RU-vid videos. So moving back to books would be a step in the right direction, but wouldn't solve all my issues (those issues including playing Sudoku on my phone instead of doing chores).
I'm here specifically because reading became my coping mechanism when I was like 11 and continued to consume me until I was like 18. I stopped reading for the same reason I read so much -- it pulled me into another world from where I was. As a high schooler, I started to get more and more frustrated with how hard it was to talk and connect to people in general, and when I was obsessed over a book it was just impossible. I felt more disconnected and isolated from my passion, when feeling disconnected and isolated was the reason I started throwing myself into books in the first place. I feel that way about anything I get extremely invested in (usually shows). I feel so intense, and more alive than ever, but it comes with the low of knowing that until that passion subsides a bit, I'm gonna find it very difficult to exist in the real world and I'm gonna feel much more isolated than usual. I feel like that ties into the comment about about how shopping excessively seems like being out of control while delivering the feeling of control, this polarized experience, but I can't get any further in drawing a parallel
I avoid most comment sections on the internet, but yours truly is a wonderful place. So much kindness and thoughtfulness. A place where it's safe to be vulnerable and to learn and to grow. Thank you for creating this wonderful little corner of the internet, Hannah! 🥰
The section about "creating a problem to solve" really resonates with me, I feel like I'm constantly on the look for a certain piece to buy to fix a problem of not having it, when really it's just another dopamine-fueled act of consumerism that I need not have taken. Definitely will be trying to keep this in mind in future!
This discussion made me immediately think of not only general shopping but FOOD shopping. I stopped in my tracks because it knocked the wind out of me. Having grown up in home that was not food secure, if I don’t have access to a certain amount of food I feel out of control. This lack of control has caused me to purchase more food than I need or eat in excess as a way to regain that control I didn’t have when I was younger.
I love this comment discussion video format because it both continues the conversation and also draws attention to a lot of really good points I missed in the comment section. I definitely relate to the reading too much thing, I love to read but throughout my life I've noticed that I sometimes use reading to disassociate from my reality and, as a highly empathetic person, I think sometimes to emotionally pick at scabs (if I'm feeling down I'll read something that I know will make me even sadder, not for catharsis, but to stay sad). I realize this is happening when I read so much I forget what I've even read, and sometimes I'll even stop breathing when I'm reading! Also sometimes I notice that I read for like, the easy dopamine hit even when there is something else I would rather be doing that requires more effort than I think I can give (even though I usually can) I've stopped reading as much in the last decade because of this and felt kind of guilty about it, but I'm glad I'm not alone, and I'm also trying to slowly repair my relationship with books by reading with intent.
I too am trying to repair my relationships with reading (and food), since I always used to combine the two...I am imperfect yet trying....and I do believe that awareness is key and that intent is part of change. I also know that these are ingrained habits of decades -the neural paths are well worn. Appreciating the vids and discussions.
Such an interesting video. I have always felt like I did not relate to your videos that are talking about over shopping. This video changed that for me, I have a problem with over decluttering, actually disgnosed by a doctor has an addiction. I can't hold on to things or own too much at one time. It is all about a sense of control, just done in a different way than complusive shopping. Thank you for this video, lots of things to reflect on. ❤❤❤
I’m not in the mood to be as insightful as all of the other commenters, but I still had to say that this was such a helpful and interesting conversation 😊
This is the first time on youtube that I actually feel like there is a dialogue between the creator and audience. Once again I am learning so much. I resonate strongly with the idea of the need for control and problem solving informing shopping behavior.
The comment on "solving a problem" is so relevant to me. But I also get joy from solving these smaller problems, and so my tactic for this is to open up my problem-solving creativity to think of other ways I could solve it, "real problem" or not. Sometimes it does wind up meaning I make a purchase, but it's usually not what I set out to buy, and it's very thought out. For example: I was so cold in my office and considered buying a space heater. But my list of alternatives - wear warmer clothing, drink more tea, get up and do a few squats, etc - are all super useful. I did wind up buying a neck gaiter, but I feel so much more creative and strategic brainstorming first.
This video gave me so much clarity regarding shopping and control; your insights are profound. Plus I loved watching you do/talk through your makeup process. Thank you for this. Please do another video like this.
What a lovely community we have here🩷 Thank you Hannah. This is a really excellent discussion. It reminds of the boudoir receptions and the philosophical debates you would have had centuries ago.
As a person on the spectrum, shopping is anxiety producing, but reading is necessary to develop any kind of understanding of other brains. Reading is also "safe" where is interaction is usually hostile and anxiety producing. We nerds need "safe" activities that can help us detox and escape having to do masking all the time which is exhausting. You cannot know how relaxing it is not to have to perform, like I have to do any time I encounter a human. Shopping is so rife with anxiety. I usually shop in person with the same clerks so I can get to know them and be more comfortable. Shopping is pretty traumatic, actually. Reading is not joy producing for me, and can also be traumatic, so re-reading is the best. I can "go" to the safe place and not have to worry about my feelings getting jerked around. It's interesting for me to see someone put on a physical face. As a child, I think I just got so used to being yelled at or beat up that I gave up on any kind of physical mask. It's also strange to see beautiful people put on masks. I could never do a physical mask that would "mask." I love your channel; for me it's like looking into a foreign world.
This is such a healing video becaise I notices that in tjis era of influencers, they want to sell us the idea that we need to buy thing that we don't need. And I have fall'n in this path but for a different reason. I have been doing fragrance reviews every week. But it so heard to keep up with the new releases that have been coming back to back, not to mention how costly they are. Needless to say, I do videos once a week. So, I been trying tl problems solve this dilemma of not over spending buy creating content that everyome can enjoy, also not falling in the path of other influencers who are constantly recommending things that we don't always need. I wsnt to recommend things that I find special and not because they are new releases. So, this video has been a blessing for me.
The reading thing... I definitely read as escapism. It's great. I love it, but I know that I use it to avoid my life sometimes. I can tell that I read more when I'm depressed because it takes me out of myself. You can't think about other things while you're reading.
I appreciate the reading conversation. I’m a MSW student currently completing my practicum in a mental health treatment center, and my supervisor said the other day, “Although they are some of the most helpful tools, coping skills don’t make a life.” Healthy humans need something that gives them purpose, rather than just utilizing coping skills to make it from one minute to the next. That being said, I think we also can tend to be overly punitive. It’s tough work to keep in balance an allowance for joy and fluidity and spontaneity, with a recognition that life is not only about fun but also meaning. Be kind with yourself about your reading! You’re still navigating major life transition with a new, growing and changing addition to the family (which is stressful even when joyful!) and also trying to curb a habit that has been hacked by developers to be addictive (re: Stolen Focus). Give yourself grace ❤
Hi Hannah! I’m a long-time subscriber and love your content! When you lived with Julia, you often spoke about how you adore when adornments at large (or beautiful things as you call them) are balanced aesthetically with nods to masculinity and femininity, simultaneously . You’ve shared your dilemma between loving maximalism and minimalism and in your most recent shift to more minimalist leaning aesthetic, you’ve mentioned how this shift has led to a clearer head space and clearer physical space (often referencing your apartment in LA where there was too much house decor, almost piled on top of each other and accumulating dust / spaces becoming harder to clean). I relate to this as a maximalist - it’s really hard to clean and i can understand when you say shifting to a minimalist aesthetic actually somehow led to the acquisition and preservation of “less stuff”. But as a woman of colour, i also like to think about the relationship between white femininity and minimalism and while there are women of colour who may prefer a more minimalist aesthetic, how sometimes a shift or preference towards a minimalist aesthetic with a critique or almost villanization of the maximalist is also an effort to sustain a certain white feminine aesthetic. I was wondering when you made the aesthetic shift towards minimalism, if you considered how your subjectivity as a white woman informed that decision and what it means to let go of the specialness and creative expression that maximalism provides for more clarity and how maximalism is not understood to be “clear”. Minimalism also echos a maturity and shift away from inner child play that is often offered by colours, patterns, textures. Ps i miss you in all your maximalist ways - your printed blouses and print fresh !!!! I would love for you to create a video speaking on maximalism and minimalism through the inquiry of race and gender specifically white femininity
Hannah, watching your videos is a lesson in sociology and psychology. I greatly appreciate how you delve into human behavior while discussing the topics of makeup and shopping. Thank you for forcing me to consider my reasoning for buying specific items.
This video spoke to my heart! Thank you! I think the idea, that shopping can be a coping mechanism for the feeling of not being in control of one life is very on point. About reading: I come from a very well-read family so reading was always a big part of my life and I love it. But the last year I read a lot about the stoics and thought about what is important in life. I spent more time on reflecting, in communication with important to me people and writing morning pages. And now I spent much more time with people whose company I enjoy. I still enjoy reading, but I find myself reading less fiction and more non fiction. I‘ve got the feeling I no longer need it as an escape from my life...
I am going to leave a comment here sharing my thoughts...i shop so i can find my forever products and create a signature look for me (although i recognise in the process this is a "changing"/evolving look). I followed many channels in my need to form an opinion on what i could try. And everybody said declutters are usefull. I found them making me wanna throw up and i could not understand where this feeling was coming from...after some of your videos and some contemplation i realised that the loss of control and choice (although contradicting) exactly BECAUSE of such an abundance of possibilities is what made me sick. I much more appreciate "battle of xyz" in the form you and other creators are doing because you set the parameters upfront and you dont overwhelm your senses. On another note, about your balm expedition i would like to see you trying the rabanne lovebalm in the shade soulkiss which is a desaturated muted neutral/cool brown. Greetings from another (maybe not so) fair desaturated olive toned person
oh i also meant to just show love for the comments / comments section as well. i went through a rut last year where i couldn’t not focus enough to read, and it actually made me feel worse that all i felt capable of in those moments was scrolling. so i especially love the idea of giving oneself grace, especially now when i have found my way back into reading (one of your recommendations in fact! i picked up the right sort of man and really, really enjoying it!!) and can appreciate whilst i am somewhat using it to avoid deeper things, for now i’m saying that’s okay 💜💜💜
The thought of this being a regular series tickles me! Your videos often cause me to really think about my choices & why I do the things I do. If not for that video where you pulled the comments from, I never would've made the correlation between cutting sugar completely out of my life while also gaining the ability to curtail my shopping/overspending. I'm so grateful for that revelation! *isn't it interesting to note that me finally gaining control over my intake of sugar caused a profound effect simultaneously on my shopping/overspending!?
I would absolutely love and appreciate more videos like this from you. It is an excellent involvement with the community space here and you speak through everything so eloquently.
love the "read comments with me" format ❤ also i learned a lot about spending money on clothes these last months because i had to. gaining quite a bit of weight very slowly (from becoming a non-smoker, yay) has brought on a moment of suddenly having almost nothing to wear. it really snuck up on me because of how slowly it happened, so most of my clothes held up pretty well, were just a little bit too tight or just went from their original oversized fit to a snug fit, so i got by with not buying anything new for a long time, not noticing that everything got a lot more strain put on - until they basically all got big tears and holes almost simultaneously and much earlier than i'm used to from the same fabrics and cuts. so i found myself actually having a real urgent problem to solve on a tiny budget and it helped me understand a lot about how thinly veiled excuses many of my reasons for shopping used to be. like when i hear you say you don't have a warm enough coat, my first thought now isn't shopping but layering 😅 and just the same, the control thing absolutely applies to me too because now that i actually need clothes and also need to put extreme care into my shopping decisions, it absolutely happened that i opened webshops thinking "i need to browse this right now to feel better" as a direct reaction to stressful events.
Thank you for your inspiring videos! I gain so much for my personel development and groth from it. I would love to see a video explaining and guidening us through the hole makeup thing for real beginners including tips for finding the right colors etc.
Thank you for making this video. It made me reflect on my behavior through a lens I have never considered. I certainly have a shopping problem, I have had one for years, and it has gotten me in varying degrees of trouble and derailed what I consider my more important life goals, has felt at times like something I couldn't control - that I couldn't control myself and my own impulses. But thinking back to when it all really started - when my love of clothing and excitement over the freedom to dress myself as I saw fit for the first time in my life - and when it repeatedly spiked through the last 8 years since those initial splurges, in each case, it has been during times in which life have felt not only out of my control, but directly in conflict with my wishes. More specifically, when I have ended up exactly where I wanted and planned and spent years achieving to be, and I was completely dissatisfied once I got there - grad school, my job, my perfect relationship with the kindest person who made me incredibly happy. In each case, I was unable to control my reactions to the outcomes I had so desperately and fervently sought, for years and years, and in each case my dissatisfaction with my life and my disappointment with myself for feeling that way made me go on benders of monumental proportions. For some of us, as I remember you remarking years ago upon reflecting on your no buy year, shopping is a way to try to fix what we feel on a deeper level is wrong with our lives. But perhaps it is also a way to get a semblance of control and predictably over how we feel and what feel in a time where we cannot otherwise trust our own reactions and feelings. The response after shopping is predictable and stable - whether it be joy over the purchase or misery and shame over the bender.
I relate to the first comment and I will reflect on that and other ways I can take control that is more healthy. I have been spending more than I can afford lately and I started a low buy coincidentally during the new year. It’s been going well overall and I’m proud of myself. It was especially hard at first. It still is at times since I’m so new. Reflecting and analyzing consumerism and shopping has helped me critically reflect on why I want something. Not always but it’s helped. I stumbled upon your interview with the financial diet and it really made me think hard about it all. This is for my comrades who struggle with shopping! 🍻
I liked this video topic. I’m very game for more. I’m mulling how the topic applies to me…but first responses are…poverty and how that informs spending. I spend too much time agonizing and researching over how every dollar is spent. It’s a control response. It’s a self soothing behavior. It’s necessity. It’s self care. It’s healing. It’s drug of choice. When I change the program to other things, I feel refreshed and happy though, so I think I’m currently doing the drug of choice model. I too have been turning off screens to read or some other thing that checks my productivity boxes. I’ve been mulling since you first spoke of this topic and certainly need to do more. Thank you for such a great discussion!
There are so many interesting points in this video. I would love to see more on this topic. I can definitely see how shopping can be one way of feeling in control or a way of solving a problem when life gets too much. I am working on a vision board at the moment, and I can see I have a lot of things I want to achieve that are rather long term in nature and will take a long while to achieve. It can feel somewhat overwhelming, and sometimes, the brain just wants an easy quick fix, a positive step towards these goals, and shopping can fit that bill perfectly. For example in the long term, I want to have a beautiful mature garden that I have all the knowledge to look after myself instead of using a gardener like I currently do. But that takes a lot of study and time spent outdoors. In the meantime, it's easy to spend binge watching videos on roses and picking the perfect one to buy for my garden. Is that learning how to get the best out of my current ones through feeding, pruning, dead heading, and getting outside and putting in the work. Nope... but it's easier to tick off the list!
More videos like this please!!! This felt wonderfully conversational, and I really loved hearing your thoughts on the comments. It's so fascinating to watch all possibilities of the human experience play out in the comments
this is such an englightening video. especially the comments about reading! one person said that they felt guilty about reading getting in the way of productivity and I agree, but we have to remember that toxic productivity exists. i know it's the feeling our parents (mostly the baby boomer generation) instilled in us. that we should always be doing something, doesn't matter what, as long as we're not sitting and "wasting time". my father is like that, my ex boss is like that too. she used to tell me how much stuff she did over the weekend, how she cleaned the floors on her knees, how much she cooked, how many things she's done in her garden and what not, and she would always end with "i did not rest at all, but i didn't waste a single minute of my weekend", and that kind of mindset is so unhealthy. nowadays we work much more for much less than our parents did, we struggle with wars, global warming, late stage capitalism, we need to start accepting that sleeping in on weekends is fine, being bored and doing nothing is fine, reading in your bed is fine - if that's how you prefer to rest and relax IT'S FINE. and we need to stop listening to our parents and the older generation in general that love telling us that we're wasting our time. we don't. we live, we do what helps our mental and/or physical health, and what makes us happy. and that's okay. also, question/recommendation: are you familiar with Jonna Jinton and her content? for some reason i think you might like it. she lives in the far north of Sweden after she dropped her life in Stockholm and moved to this swedish village. she often talks about her life, the joys and the hardships, very touching content + the visuals are insane. i highly recommend.
OMG. The proust shopping comment. SO SO TRUE. Shopping has been a way for me to show that I'm in control, I'm in charge, and I get to dress to please only myself. I wonder what trauma this came from for some of us?
Recommend MAC Glow Play as a balm to try. I absolutely want the same things out of a balm, with enough colour to be more than 'nothing' but also moisturising. It isn't long-lasting, but balms never are for me - but I'm happy to reapply throughout the day. No weird taste. Not sticky. A bit of shine (but not liquid shiny). Just a little bit of colour and moisture.
Yes, more please of this type of video! I have been using shopping as control deliberately lately. Today, as a matter of fact! Super-long story, but the gist of it is, I recently got out of an abusive relationship. The guy used jewelry to try to manipulate me, and the stuff he bought me was stuff that didn’t even suit me and that I didn’t even like, yet if I said so or didn’t wear it, he would get his “feelings hurt”. After our breakup, I have been actively searching for and buying jewelry I love. Bonus if he would find it absolutely ugly!!! The more opposite of the jewelry that loser bought me, the better! I have been enjoying this activity to the utmost!!!!! 😂🎉😮 Today I got a couple more pieces for myself that will arrive right around Valentine’s Day, and I am thrilled!❤ One of the things is little sword charms for my hoop earrings, titled “Not Today!”
“Once you know that some of what you do is a reaction to where you were before… How much do I want my life to be ruled by those reactions.” Damn I think I owe you a copay.
both things can be true - I can be learning so much about myself and my coping mechanisms and also be counting the seconds until I can click the link to see where that amazing sweater is from.
This video was so nurturing, so thank you. Again, yes, best comments section. haha. I've been staring a lot lately at this very issue with myself. I'm in the most bizarre circumstance right now where I've chosen to be on a job hiatus, to give myself some well deserved rest. But the constant low-simmer need to be employed and know where money is coming from is there at all times, making me rest*less*. So the obvious solution would be getting a job, but the contrasting need of the moment is to be without one. And then making matters worse, because I can't target the real solution, I'm redirecting toward a misguided one to scratch that control itch: BUYING something... with no new income and job currently, I should get one, but I need to rest and be without one. WHAT IS THIS WEB? haha. So this discussion is really hitting me where I live right now, and it was lovely hearing yours and others' thoughts on it. More more of this, I say! haha
For me, I think I am not far enough in my reflection and unraveling journey around my behaviour to say the core reason is this or that. But I discovered something in just observing my behaviour and I can use this to my advantage. When I research an item (or just browse beautiful things) I get FOMO and an urge to need it! I completely lose touch with the sense if I need it at all. But if I compare things from different categories with each other, the perspective comes back. So budgeting seems like a good way for me. Example: on my wishlist are two bicycle bags and a sweater. The sweater I WANT and the bicycle bags I need for a biking holiday this year and I will continue to use them because I ran a lot of errands with my bike. If I can buy only one of these two things there is just the question of what colour should the bags be😅 One of my wishes for this year is to learn not to be lost in the wanting of new things. Learning to appreciate what I already own is a good first step.
Makes me think of one of my favorite quotes from the incomparable Neal A Maxwell. In an address to religious educators in 1970, he said, "We need to do a better job, I think in helping the young to appreciate the high adventure of orthodoxy, helping them to know that it is not something which is muttered approvingly in a high priest quorum full of old men, but that orthodoxy is, in fact, the system by which the gospel principles are weaved together in a fabric which keeps them in check and in balance with each other. You see, the doctrines of Jesus Christ by themselves are dangerous. *Any principle of the gospel, isolated, spun off, and practiced in solitude goes wild and goes mad*. It is only the orthodoxy of the gospel that keeps it together, because these are powerful principles that need each other. Just as the people of the Church need each other, the doctrines of the Church need each other." (Emphasis added) Here he refers to "principles of the gospel," but the statement equally applies to any virtuous principles. They need each other or they go wild and mad. Great thoughts, Hannah. Thanks for sharing.
Im curious how you conceive, refine, and finalize your projects & parameters? Does it start with a prompt (ie: what do I wish I had in abundance? How do I feel about my time management? Etc) and go from there? Do you write it all out longhand or brainstorm digitally? Do you only ever run 1 "challenge" at a time or are some able to run concurrently? Once you're happy with the terms you set for yourself, do you keep a written reminder somewhere you can see it daily? Scheduled phone alerts? Or does it just remain locked in your mind? Curious what happens behind the scenes before we hear about your next growth adventure!
I made a challenge for myself to finish a book every day in January. And it ended up being very enjoyable. I learned a lot about myself and my reading. It reignited my already ignited passion for reading. But I did wonder at one point “is this a cry for help🤔”. I’m in a transitional period and figuring some stuff out and this project was the little bit of taking care of myself and my passions that I wanted even if I might not ever do it again lol
I use shopping in a number of ways, but I think the over-arching factor is self-soothing. I’m sad and depressed, I’m bored and lonely, I’m anxious, I’m happy, I’m jealous…the momentary relief is a temporary burst of endorphins, but almost always comes back to bite me. As soon as I see the funds depart from my account, I’m in a serious place of buyers remorse and planning a trip to return the goods before they’ve even left the warehouse to travel to my front door.
Like others, I’m very interested in your balm research too. I want all the things you prefer, with the addition of gluten free. It will be fun to follow your research!
When I watched your original video, the reading thing didn’t even register as something to be questioned since that’s been my dissociation of choice since I could read! Maybe 6??? The internet and shopping came waaaaay later, around the age of 12-13! I remember my mom ripping books in fits of rage since I would read all night and day instead of doing school work!
What a wonderful synthesis of these topics so dear to my own heart. I have replaced literal drugs with other drugs, and then I have replaced process addictions with each other, one of which is reading fiction. I am a therapist at a recovery center and I work with these nuances of control and power daily. In my own journey I have given up so many "fire escapes" over the years in pursuit of healing and acceptance that I have finally come to believe the Sufis- "at the root of all longing is the longing for God." Now I am striving to see God in the silk blouse at the thrift store that fills me with lust before I impulse purchase it!
I have one more comment on the "Shopping bad" notion: Most of the shopping in the world is done by women. Many sources say: "Over 80 percent of purchases and purchase influence are made by women." Not just because we are being marketed to heavily, and because many of us tend love shiny things, but also because it is socially often our role: In the household - we are often the ones that keep the grocery shopping lists, more often than not it is the woman (I acknowledge that I'm talking about heteronormative scenarios which are still the norm) who is in charge of decorating, sometimes even of picking out clothing not just for children and herself but also styling her husband; as a friend and family member - women pick out gifts for friends and family more often; we make a lot of the purchasing choices in the traditional family or hetero couple. Not to mention, it does take a lot more products to keep up a nicely groomed feminine appearance than a masculine one. And here's the issue with that: Most "traditionally female" activities, interests and hobbies are, still today, deemed less smart, less soulful, less artistic and more frivolous than the ones more associated with maleness. I'm sure all of us Beauty lovers have experienced the cliché. And this is why shopping, while not only necessary in many ways but also bringing a lot of value and joy in some cases (of course awareness of overconsumption etc. comes into play, shopping addiction and so on...) is generally looked down upon. So, women are being "trained" and encouraged to shop for anyone and anything in life, while also expected to have self-control and not give in to the addictive nature of consumption. Predicament! Thoughts?
For me shopping is not really a control issue. A lot comes from my inner child. I had a nice childhood and money was not tight but not endless either. My parents prioritised skills over material things. So for example, everyone got the chance to learn an instrument of our choice but fancy clothes or later computers we had to buy with mostly our own money. I'm the third of four children with two older brothers. I was a chubby child and always very! tall for my age. For most of my childhood I wore hand me downs (is that a thing?) from my brothers and even pretended to like it, because my brothers were my heroes and I am a huge people pleaser. My very petite sister got mostly hand me downs from other girls in the village or new things... I was sometimes jealous of her. I think I secretly was a girly girl all along but didn't know how to be one. What suits me, where to buy clothes. For my teenage years and my early twenties I was a goth girl and saved money for these clothes or sewed them myself. Now, for the last few years I have worked, earned a nice living and gained some weight. So I was in need of and in a position to replace a lot of my wardrobe. A lot of the clothes were well used to shabby because I owned them for a long time... Your "how to match your wardrobe to your lifestyle" series helped immensely with that. Last year I caught myself overspending on my new wardrobe and making unwise purchases. Slowly I realise that I don't shop just for my adult self now but for my inner child who is still sad she couldn't have all the shiny things and wasn't a little princess when she was young. For the last few months I became quite good at distinguishing what are wise purchases. But I have a lot of work to do with my inner child to heal her.
Haha funny I had recommended an Aritzia they’re great jackets. It’ll last you for years and years and years. It’s a good choice and it wasn’t that much for the quality you got.
Hmm. I think when I shop for clothes online, it's more out of a sense that I have a limited budget, so I'd better make the right decision. Sometimes shopping behaviors happen when I am feeling anxiety and am trying to shut it off by scrolling though something, anything. I have more of a problem when it comes to shopping for sugary foods than shopping for clothes. I don't shop for clothes often. I fear not having sugar in the house at all times. I turn to food as comfort and control more than to beautiful things as comfort or control.
I’d like to push back on the notion that shopping is a neutral hobby or activity, like reading. Consumption is directly tied with carbon production, meaning the more we shop the more dire our ecological reality becomes. If shopping is an area of our life that we go to, even occasionally, for empowerment, control, or healing, that means our self worth will be directly tied to our own destruction. Comments like the first you shared don’t make me wish for “shopping in its place”, they make me wish for a life where there are alternative avenues for us to exert power and control. A genuine question: where else do we get the same satisfaction of executing researched action that shopping gives us?
For me, it turned out that what I worried was a shopping issue was undiagnosed ADHD. Now, shopping behavior is still one of the "numbing behaviors" I can overindulge in, but I understand it and have way more tools.
Anything done to excess can be harmful. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Open your eyes and realize that everything you do might be a beautiful memory someday. 😊
Hannah, thank you for your nurturing oversight of this, my favorite corner of the internet. I’m forever striving to be free of black-and-white thinking, and to hold space for more than one feeling, or truth, or need at a time. More conversations like this, please!
When you talked about your quest to find the perfect tinted lip balm... I'm sitting there - with my freshly-enlightened mind - going, "So, you created a problem (finding the perfect tinted lip balm) that you will now try to solve by buying things (all the tinted balms on the market)?" No shade whatsoever. I just find it very fascinating that there was a real-life example right there, happening in real-time, and it just passed by undetected so naturally and surreptitiously. It's made me realize that it must be so entangled in our lives that it's unnoticeable until we really sit down to mull over it; so frequently present in our lives that we don't pay attention to it.
Thinking about this shopping/control relationship reminded me of the book Beauty Sick, and there’s this line in there about how as women we are sold the idea that beauty will help us achieve our goals, and then that leads us to pursue beauty above all else (often in the form of buying things)
I also think the control-regained or thought it was regained with shopping is an issue, not because its "bad", but because its not likely the real root-cause confrontation and, thus, delays the more deep and long-term healing. It is often very temporary for that reason. It's also why many report the research, purchase and anticipation of delivery of the thing is the more satisfying part (vs the use and ownership of the thing bought).
I shop for a few reasons other than outright needing something. Sometimes, it's out of boredom, although I shudder at the thought of being bored. I truly believe that bored people are boring people. But I think sometimes I am just looking for a specific kind of entertainment that's not as laudable as watching something informative or doing something productive. Sometimes shopping is just what occupies me in that moment. Sometimes I feel I am comfort seeking. I have nothing major to need to seek comfort from; I have a pretty nice life. But everyone gets a little general life anxiety/ennui, and I'm not immune. The last reason, which I think is a big one for me, is that I feel like I'm 'getting something done.' Even receiving the package in the mail makes me feel like I handled a task. Whether I'm stocking up on something necessary, or trying a new thing that I think will help me self-improve - it's like a feeling that I crossed something off a to-do list in some way. (Example - I've been needing a bigger mixing bowl, and now that I bought one, I 'got that done.' I bought some backup black work clothes, so even though the ones I have are fine right now, I am prepared for when they fade and wear out, so I 'got something done.') I have been trying to get things done that are free - I should exercise, I should meal prep, play my guitar, etc., with the things I've already bought, rather than feeling like I've 'gotten something done' by buying something.
A contrary view; think of all the art, songs, stories, poems, games, and imaginings conceived when we allow ourselves time to be bored! Boredom can lead to wondrous expansion of the mind.
@@emilyhuffman7815 Well, I agree; that's partly what I mean...... anyone can get temporarily bored, but stewing in that feeling and not doing anything and remaining bored is something I find shameful.
It's interesting about feeling the need to get something done (and shopping) and feeling shame at doing nothing and being bored. Sometimes it's the stillness that we are trying to avoid
I never really thought about shopping from the control aspect. It makes perfect sense because I tend to want to buy myself something when things are chaotic and out of my control. It's like if I can't control what is going on around me, at least I can buy myself something for having to put up with all this nonsense that is out of my control.
Ultimately shopping can become a coping mechanism and an addictive behaviour…I know because I am still trying to get out of that hole in the sidewalk!! AND it is my fault for continuing to fall in. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” -unknown
I feel like this 28 minute video has said more about my feelings towards shopping quicker and more efficiently than my hours of therapy has ever done. The comments and the video were so well articulated that I'll have to go back and watch it a few times to actually grasp everything. Well done! Also, a total 180 but might be worth looking in to the Make Up By Mario moisture glow lip serum. The packaging isn't as lux but it probably contains more of the product. Nice colors too!
What a great video, I really look forward to the "Ask Hannah" series ☺️. I don't have a question, but rather a suggestion for a future video. The "bare" cheeks and lids look reminded me how different your makeup was at the beginning of your channel. I would love to see a video where you recreate one of your old makeup looks ( glittery oil spill eyes and editorial blush draping), maybe by reacting to an old GRWM. 😊
What I love about this video is the deeper content around (in this case) shopping. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the messages we receive as women about beauty and behavior as it relates to the bazillion dollar beauty industry. Your journey of seeking a more quality-over-quantity wardrobe, and your parallel journey toward a less-is-happier makeup look, fascinates me. How do those choices influence the way you see beauty-centered marketing, if at all? Honestly, anything philosophical thing you want to talk about will be interesting. It’s why I watch. 🥰
This really spoke to me, especially that second commenter. I have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, and that also leads me to feeling out of control and overwhelmed. I've recently realized that I have to keep an eagle eye on my shopping during the week before my period, because I am so desperate to feel like I'm problem solving.
Omg I’m in a Hannah video lol. I really, really love this discussion. And the video idea of just talking through comments when there’s such obvious themes in the comments section in reaction to the original video.
Overdoing anything is a sign of stress. It's not necessarily a bad thing unless it starts affecting your life negatively, such as health issues, financial issues, mental health issues, etc, but it does mean that you should look introspectively at what is bothering you and try to address it without fooling yourself. Such things need to be recognized and managed to the best of your abilities, I find.
Provocative and interesting stuff! Asserting control through consumption habits made me think tangentially about all the things we buy in order to "become" something or someone else, from wanting to be a specific hobbyist to becoming a totally organized person who's going to own their next new year. We resist the idea that ourselves alone can be cross-stitchers by picking up one (1) kit at the store and giving it a try, and we love the idea that a huge planner and stickers and washi and pens and to-purpose gorgeous notebooks will make us super productive manifesting achieving people. We've really tied consumerism to identity and motivation and being That Girl. Sometimes I think they're inextricably linked at this point. But it can be decoupled! HLP and compatriots are living proof, lol.
"Reality is that which even if you don't believe it, doesn't go away". Lisa Marchiano (This Jungian Life) said this, I think quoting someone else, on a recent podcast episode all about truth. I loved the intro themes in this video and pinged so many thoughts back on to that podcast that I had to share. She went on to say that therapy (or in our case introspection in general) is the process of letting yourself know what you know. It is easy to "let" yourself not know something because it's hard, inconvenient, confronting etc. So thanks Hannah for the nuanced reflection your thoughts on careful decernment on shopping motivations. Love your channel!
Wow these comments and your further discussion was so insightful! Loved this video. I think I connect this theme of finding control in shopping to how I felt about food for a long time - seeking control by constricting my food intake and being very particular about what I eat and when. I find the line between soothing and destructive behaviour very hard to draw sometimes, especially because food is necessary to live (and to an extent, so is shopping) and healthy eating is a productive and good goal. My mother, for example, lost a lot of weight recently, going from obese to average weight, and though it was good for her to do this (as she was beginning to develop negative health outcomes because of her weight) she still has a very toxic relationship with food, labelling foods as inherently bad or good, and punishing herself for eating too much or eating the 'wrong' foods. But from the outside, she looks like the epitome of control, as she has been able to keep the weight off. But eating cake isn't bad! Finding joy in food isn't bad! In fact, it's a beautiful part of many cultures around the world, and my mother is a chef, so she knows this to be true for herself personally and for others. I think the control-seeking element of these behaviours is also interesting because in a capitalist, patriarchal structure we place so much value on one's ability to control themselves, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Behaving in a seemingly 'out of control' way has very negative connotations for your worth as a person. Especially as women, we are told to keep our emotions on such a tight leash, so as not to be perceived as crazy or overly-sensitive, which historically has given men the perfect excuse to limit our freedoms. And because shopping, historically and contemporarily, is seen as 'women's work' or a female hobby, there are a lot of complicated and often contradictory emotions surrounding it, which are rarely attached to mens shopping habits. I just find this whole topic fascinating, and I'd love to see more videos about it!
Basically since I’ve had my own income and money to spend I’ve always felt an inherent guilt about how I spent my money. Maybe part of me felt like it was frivolous to spend money on beautiful things, or maybe it has more to do with the fact that I’ve often fallen into the habit of spending every last dollar in my bank account (putting myself into precarious financial situations constantly). Ever since finding HLP’s channel I’ve felt so seen and understood, and I feel like it’s really helped me deconstruct and understand that guilt. I’ve been mulling deeply over whether a no buy year would be helpful for me, or maybe something more like Hannah’s new limit on shopping behaviors, but either way I am so grateful to have a place to learn and grow and better myself in regards to spending habits.
I think shopping is a way to chase the “fantasy self” sometimes. I often daydream as I browse about the experience I’ll have with/because of the things. I think its sometimes an expression of having trouble being content in your current embodiment or life circumstances and fantasizing about being more beautiful, happy or fulfilled.
